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News Biscuit by Ron Cawleyoni - 2h ago
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News Biscuit by Guest - 2h ago

4Crosses

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Following on from Theresa May’s “new and improved” Brexit deal number 10 have confirmed that should this “bold offer” fail, a series of alternative fonts will be exploited to try to secure the necessary parliamentary agreement.

“We’ve fallen into the trap of re-presenting the deal in the same, tired, Times New Roman and MPs are, well, just bored”, said a spokesman. An at times “feisty” cabinet meeting apparently discussed a number of options. Italic was ruled out at an early stage and whilst there was significant support amongst the ERG group for Old English Text this too was rejected.

Early indications are that this freshening up may garner some support it is unlikely to be enough to see the deal through. In this case Mrs May will “scour all fonts” with the hope of beating parliament into submission before 31st October.

Liberal Democrat leader Vince Cable stated that some of his MPs might support a freshly presented deal but “only if it’s written in the original French” whilst the DUP are apparently holding out for Wingdings.

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Fifty nine year-old Kevin Philpott, a warehouse manager from Stoke, has just completed a labour of love he started at aged seven when his Mum gave him an old spool of sewing thread.

Because that was the inspiration he needed to set him on his way to building a miniature 3D scale model of Britain’s entire road system, with different colours and gauges of thread used to illustrate minor, major, trunk and motorways.

‘People think it’s been a pointless exercise,’ said Kevin ‘but it hasn’t. The amount of pleasure this has given me over the years, coupled with my sense of incredible achievement now it’s totally accurate in every detail (up to December 31st 2018) can’t be bought.’

‘I’ve even had an email from Blue Peter inviting me onto the programme next week and Guinness World Records are coming tomorrow to assess whether my model is a record. But actually this is only the start for me.’

Kevin then went on to confirm his sights are already set on his next project when he will render the entire Cosmos using a variety of materials such as grains of salt, sugar, rice, dried peas, ball bearings, ping-pong balls, tennis balls, footballs, beach balls and sticky-back plastic.

When asked if he found the the sheer enormity of the new project in any way daunting Kevin laughed: ‘Well it may take me a while but by the time I’m finished then just maybe Brexit will be sorted out… although I shan’t hold my breath.’

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A bitter row has broken out today calling into question the veracity and political correctness of the sentiments expressed within the lyrics of Mungo Jerry’s iconic 70s chart-topping smash hit, ‘In the Summertime’.

Physicist, Dr William Glynn, says: ‘I’m afraid it’s time to debunk this classic as being nothing other than nonsense. Take for instance the opening line – ‘In the Summertime, when the weather is hot, you can reach right up and touch the sky’. Well now, and not wishing to be seen as pedantic, but quite simply this is impossible. The average reach of even a tall person standing upright is about ten  feet. The sky goes on to infinity. So it’s a claim that is obviously complete nonsense.’

And anti-drink driving pressure group, THINK, has added its weight behind the row. A spokesman commented: ‘The lyric, “Have a drink, have a drive, go out and see what you can find”, is quite the most irresponsible thing I have ever heard. NEVER have a drink and a drive under any circumstances whatsoever. It is a shocking notion to condone, worse even than the dubious message often sent out by these Rappers like Doggy Snoopy-Snoop and Mr Thingymabob who glorify all kinds of nefarious and downright criminal behaviour.’

However the song’s composer and lead singer with the group, Ray Dorset, was quick to defend the band’s position. He told BBC 6 Music’s Mark Radcliffe; ‘We’re not bad people, We’re not dirty, we’re not mean, we love everybody but we do as we please, when the weather’s fine, we go fishin’ or go swimmin’ in the sea. We’re always happy, life’s for livin’, yeah, that’s our philosophy.’
After hearing Dorset’s remarks Dr Glynn conceded: ‘Well I suppose that’s something. Fishing and swimming in the sea are entirely possible for most people irrespective of their height, and what’s more, they are activities considerably less dangerous or illegal than drink driving, unless it’s at a Barrymore party.’

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ITV are under pressure to bring the tabloid talk-show host back for a one off episode, featuring Jeremy Kyle interviewing Jeremy Kyle. Having had his show cancelled due to the suicide of one of his guests, viewers are interested to see if he can work his ‘magic’ on himself.

In the TV special, Mr. Kyle will have his relationship and dependency issues aired for all to see; followed by the obligatory soul-searching, tears and punch-up in the car park with a girl called ‘Chantelle’. A lie-detector will then be combined with electrodes and attached to Mr. Kyle’s genitals; not to find out the ‘truth’ but simply because he ‘likes it like that’.

Critics have accused the show of human bear-baiting and poverty porn – the only kind of porn where everyone gets f$cked. Said one guest: ‘I was treated like human excrement, exploited in the worst ways imaginable and all I got was a bucket of Chicken McNuggets – which according to my DNA test, turns out to be my son’.

In the ultimate act of depravity, Mr. Kyle – gorge rising – will be forced to apply his own false mateyness to himself. ITV insisted that a welfare team, including a consultant psychotherapist and three mental health nurses, will be on hand – but mainly for the audience

hattip to  Sinnick

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