I have been living in a bubble. I think that was probably foolish of me, to let my gaurd down and just live for a while, but I think I had to. What is life if you spend it all living in fear of what could happen? And what’s the point of leaving a narcissist if you’re just going to keep living like he’s (or she) is still following you?
Sadly though, its kind of the truth. Because he cant‘ just let me go live my life and be happy. If I’m happy without him than that means that it wasn’t just that I didn’t want to be married, that I would rather be alone. It means that he was a horrible husband, who treated me like shit, and that I found someone else who actually loves me, protects me and makes me happy. It also means I found someone who isn’t afraid of him, won’t be intimidated by his bullshit, and won’t leave me just because my ex is totally obsessed with his own importance. Basically, he is still fixated on me, even though he’s married to a new woman (and has been since just 3 or 4 months after our divorce was final).
Revenge For My Happiness
Ive done my best to totally seperate myself from him, I don’t get alimony or child support. We have no assets together, I don’t even have the car I had when we were married anymore (mostly because it broke down AGAIN, so Im using my partners’ car until I can get my credit up enough to afford a new one). The one and only hold he has on my life is the kids. And he knows it. So now he’s trying to take them from me.
It’s unreal to even write that, sitting in the court office with him the other day I honestly couldn’t even believe what was going on. That he was saying I’m a bad mother, that we need a child family investigator, that he thinks he would be a better full-time parent and I don’t deserve to have my kids, that his new wife would be a fine replacement for their real mother. There was no thought for what the girls would want either.
Obviously, He’s a Liar
And the thing that makes me the most angry is that he knows its all bullshit. The ONLY reason he’s doing this is to try and get control. He’s punishing me for moving 45 minutes away and starting a new life, with a new man, and he pissed off that my kids love my partner and his kids. How dare I succeed without him? I was supposed to be drowning and miserable without him controlling my every move. (Weird, right? That I would be happy- insert eye roll here). Oh, and now that he’s remarried, she has money and credit for him to use up, so he can fund this stupid vendetta.
So, now I’m facing a battle I never thought I would. I honestly never thought he would do this, and yes, I know that’s naive, I should know better. How many of you have told me this happened to you? But here I am, shocked, totally pissed off, and intermittently scared of how the hell I’m going to afford all of this. Because obviously, I’m going to fight it every step of the way. Forever if I have to.
It is just a terrible reminder of the truth, a narcissist won’t ever really let you go. I don’t want to scare you if you haven’t left yet, because dealing with all of this shit is still better than waking up every day and having to see his stupid face. And I have a lot of happiness in my life I never had before or would even have dreamed of having before. But you shouldn’t ever think that just because things are fine for the moment that he won’t try something at some point. Don’t make my mistake and ignore the possibilites of retaliation from your ex.
Luckily, the Universe is smarter than I am and has been looking out for me, I am blessed to be surrounded by smart people who have already fought this battle and can help me. From advice on what I need to do next, to knowing the right people I need to talk guard. To all of you, with your amazing support and prayers. Even though sometimes I’m scared, I feel stronger than I ever have and I know it’s going to be alright. Its all about faith and courage, and I can do this.
I haven’t written in a long time, I am sorry! I actually haven’t been able to sit and ponder things enough to make any sense in a while, and Im not totally confidant that this will make sense either. But I have some things on my heart to share, so here it goes…
Seems the longer I am removed from the Narcissist the more I see scars I didn’t know existed. I guess the main one I have noticed is that I am afraid.
Oh, I know how that sounds, like I will jump out of my skin at the mearest shadow of confrontation or that my stomach drops and I want to ignore every text or call from the Narcissist. Thats not totally what I mean, though those things are a little bit true.
I am talking about being afraid to love people too much. And not even of feeling love too much or loving someone too much internally, but the external expression of love, of letting my partner know exactly how much he means to me, that is terrifying because that is power, and giving a man power is dangerous, right? Last time I did that, the man used it to try and destroy me because I used to believe that love solved everything. If you just loved someone enough and they knew how much you loved then than they would also do whatever it took to keep the relationship strong. Or at least to try and not hurt you. Thats what I thought and I was wrong.
So what now then? Never love again? I cant do that. I need more than just myself, I need a partner. Thats how I was made, in my soul. And I know that goes against everything that feminism and our culture tells us, but having someone to love and care about and build a life with makes me happy. And not having that makes me feel like there is a huge hole in my life. (That hole was there while I was married as well since he never wanted to be partners.) Humans are made for community and to be companions to each other, not to be alone. And thats okay, as long as we respect each other. So no, staying on my own and never loving someone again isn’t the answer.
Actually, I am not even sure I have the answer, maybe just becoming aware of the problem and my own need to self protect is the start. It takes a lot of courage to share your vulnerabilities with someone, even someone you love. And the risk of them not understanding the way that you want them to is high (in my mind). Because how could anyone fully express what they feel, and how could anyone else fully understand it?
A New Life
Having this blog has ended up being far more than I ever expected. Sometimes it feels like a lot of pressure because I am only one woman and I dont have all the answers. I dont want to mislead or trick anyone. And I guess I have maybe disappointed myself a little by finding out I am more scarred and damaged from all I have been through than I once thought. Being in a relationship, especially a good one, brings all my wounds to the forefront and I am forced to realize that I am not 100% okay. Which I know is crazy, obviously I am human just like the rest of us.
Trying to be “Normal”
Truth, I tried so hard to act totally fine I almost had a total nervous breakdown. Thankfully, the Universe caught me before I could really mess up my life irrevocably but it forced me to really look at my choices and how I was pushing myself and where my priorities were messed up. I am still not “all better”, because I am human and we collect scars as we go through battles. I will never be the same girl I was and to think I could go back is foolishness. That has been a hard realization actually.
I suppose I am still healing, and figuring out how to be who I am now. Which sounds a tiny bit nuts, but its true. I have a new life with its own challenges and obstacles, and its amazing and wonderful and tiring and stressful and normal. And Im trying to keep remembering that too, this is normal. No one has it easy, we all carry scars, every one of us. We could have been anyone, and we would still have been wounded by this life. We aren’t special just because our wounds came from someone we loved. Most wounds do. Its the ones we let close to us that have the power to hurt us. Maybe our injuries are worse than some and maybe not, the true test is in how we deal with it, in how we grow from it. And actually, in doing that, we take the power away from our abusers and we win.