Loading...

Follow My Odd Sock | A funny look at life with a limp. on Feedspot

Continue with Google
Continue with Facebook
or

Valid
Bite your tongue.

There have been many famous orators throughout history.  Winston Churchill, Martin Luther King Jr, Abraham Lincoln, Susan B. Anthony, John F. Kennedy and others.

Souls who delivered powerful messages of motivation, inspiration, hope and social change.  Stirring speeches that echoed betterment of personal growth, civility & mankind.

To this list of greatness I would like to add one more not-so-well-known orator…..my father.

You see, my dad had a way with words…..curse words.

Dad was fluent in the language of expletives.

He was profane without being vulgar.  Tawdry, but not tasteless.

His swearing was unwrinkled.  Flawless in form & structure.

Don’t listen TOO closely.

Fans of SpongeBob SquarePants called swear words “sentence enhancers” but to my dad they were a part of everyday language.

He was the only person I ever knew who could use a curse word as the noun, verb, adjective AND preposition in a single sentence.

So fluid in cussing, yet he wasn’t obscene.  He was coarse but not crude.

My dad’s words could make General Patton blush.  He would put rapper 50 Cent to shame.  He could sober a drunken sailor.

Mind you even HE had limits.

The four-letter “F” bomb was never uttered.

The F-word was for beginners by dad’s standards.  Over used by amateur linguists.  “Step aside tenderfoot, let ME handle this” I imagined him saying to those new to the language.

A day in obscenity.

Sure, Franklin Roosevelt was a polished speaker who rallied the masses in America’s history.

But just imagine if FDR would have sprinkled a few of my dad’s favorite flowery phrases into his fireside chats.

Oh the greatness we would have achieved!

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 
My fav

Johnny Carson will forever be my comedy idol.

Delivery so smooth.  Wit razor sharp.  Often he was at his funniest when the joke was a dud (which was a rarity).

As a kid I struggled to stay up (with permission) to watch him non-school nights.  As an adult I struggled to stay up because, well, it was 11:30.  But that is not my point.

Johnny Carson performed many characters during the show, my favorite of which was “Carnac the Magnificent.”

The great Carnac was an eastern sooth-sayer who would reveal answers to questions found in “hermetically-sealed” envelopes.

Low budget rip off.

In a lame tribute to Johnny Carson & Carnac, My Odd Sock presents the MS version known as….

“Socknac the Magnificent”

You will be shown two pictures.  In the first, the great Socknac will reveal the answer.  Followed by the second picture sharing the question from the Doug-spit sealed envelope.

Hold all throwing of tomatoes till the end, please.

Enjoy…..

Answer #1 Question #1 Answer #2 Question #2 Answer #3 Question #3 Answer #4 Question #4 Answer #5 Question #5 Answer #6 Question #6 Answer #7 Question #7

And finally (Thankfully) the last envelope…..

Answer #8 Question #8 Told ya.

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 
Grab a cart!

It has the title “Grocery Goofs” because this post is nothing more than me rolling through a grocery store poking fun at items on the shelf.

And that is WAY shorter than calling it “Me Rolling Through a Grocery Store Poking Fun at Items on The Shelf.”

Grab a cart and let’s go shopping.  You push…

Cat fight.

Sitting side-by-side on the shelf, Mrs. Butterworth’s & Aunt Jemima tolerate one another, but that doesn’t mean they like each other.

Woody maybe, but not Buzz!

Who would have guessed Buzz Lightyear wore Pull-Ups?

“Defender of the Universe” has bladder issues.

Damn.

Spice is nice.

Huh, “dill weed” was also my nickname in Jr. High.

Making me nuts.

Quite possibly the dumbest name for a brand of coffee.

Shouldn’t it be “Chock full o’ (coffee) Beans?”

No wonder everyone switched to a Keurig.

Oh it has issues.

Tell me this product doesn’t have self-esteem issues.

It’s a nut.  It’s a flake.  It’s unsweetened and organic.

Plus, oh how I love sulfites in my coconut flakes!

Dumb it down.

For people who haven’t mastered use of the measuring cup.

God help us.

PG-13 rated.

“Extra Virgin”–this Olive Oil isn’t even old enough to date.

Lid so tight good luck getting it opened.

Yummy.

Because real fruit has such inconvenient, awkward shapes.

Needs a lot of help.

From the package I assume this product doesn’t need any meat added since the glove guy is missing a finger.

Maybe they like toilet paper.

Finally, what is with Charmin’s obsession with bears?

Could a whole marketing campaign be based on the adage “Does a bear sh** in the woods?”

Really?  I’m baffled.

It has been fun going up & down each aisle.  Looking.  Taking pictures.  Not buying a single thing.  I am surprised I wasn’t searched by security.  At least not THIS time.  No wonder I’m not allowed to go to the store with my wife.

I’ll be in the car.  Meantime, keep moving.

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

I may get somewhat preachy here–so beware.

Every single one of us looks for the magic pill…the infusion-palooza…the divine answer to slaying the MS monster.  We know a cure doesn’t exist yet we search anyway.  (No harm in looking, right?)

Because MS has a mind all its own, best you can do is saddle-up & hang on for the ride.

Though there are some simple steps you can take to make the ride less bumpy.

I’ll share my MS philosophy.  It’s nothing Earth shattering, really.  Just straight-forward advice…

Is it THAT easy?

You put good stuff in…you get good stuff out.

What am I talking about?

Good Stuff In includes:

Good Food.

Good Thoughts.

Good work.

Good Food

I’m not talking about some crazy diet here.  Just make better choices.  More grilled, less fried.  Get your fruits & veggies each day.  Snack on some nuts you nut–almonds especially.  You don’t have to completely eliminate the sweet treats–just limit them.  Swill more water instead of soda.  And don’t eat after 7pm if at all possible.  You want to wake up hungry!

Good Thoughts

I struggle with this the most.  Don’t let the dark clouds swirl.  Think on the positive.  Don’t dwell on the past OR the future.  Make today special for you–better yet, for someone else.  Compliment someone–make them feel good & so will you.  Remember there is always someone worse off.  So grab the day & make the most of it.

Good Work

Move it.  Get up.  Walk.  Dance.  Swing your arms.  Reach.  Stretch those numb legs & feet.  Sit outside in the fresh air.  Listen to the birds instead of your phone.  Make silly faces to tighten the muscles of your grill.  Work your brain.  Do a puzzle.  Read.  Learn something new.  Do some math.  Do some more…and then get up & move again.  You don’t need a gym.  Just work it.  Phew!

And now, Good Stuff Out includes…

Do I really have to tell you what you get in return?

Better sleep.  Stronger mind & body.  Less spasms.  Less constipation.  Healthier glow.  A bigger, brighter smile.  You will hold your head up.  Feel more content.  Confident.  Positive.  More energy.  Less fatigue.  Better balance.  Less spasticity.  More appeal.  People will want to be around you.  Look up to you.

You will be amazed at all the good stuff you will get in return!

All hail My Odd Sock!

All this worldly advice.

You probably think I’m some great emancipator.  A legend of light.  A Sock Shaman, if you will.

But I didn’t tell you anything you didn’t already know.

You had the knowledge in your head all this time.

You know the right thing to do.

Now just get started.

Meager offering.

Figured.

I knew I should have passed the plate BEFORE giving you the pitch.

At this rate I’ll never be able to build my crystal cathedral.

Oh well.

Keep moving.

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 
Giving forward.

I added this shirt to our charity pile today.

But for an embarrassing reason.

Oh it is in good shape.  No rips.  No holes.

It fits well.  Not too big.  Not too small.

And it looks good whether dressed up or casual.

I like it.

So why give the shirt to charity if everything about it is positive you ask?

Well, it’s the neck hole.  It is too small for my ginormous skull.

Tale of the tape.

Measuring just a mere seven inches wide, the neck hole is a perfect fit if you are a pinhead.

But for me to squeeze my head through, I must stretch the fabric to its absolute limits.

Threads strain to the point of ripping.

Seams stressed to near failure.

What the hell?

While I tug & pull & squirm to get the shirt over my head, I look like a fashion ghost.

A snake trying to swallow a hair egg.

As the struggle seems to continue forever, I think of my poor dear mother who birthed a seven-pound head through her loins.

It is no wonder she walks with a limp some fifty-five years later.

To those who believe this account is a fabric of exaggeration, I present photographic proof from My Odd Sock archives…..

Not suitable for small children.

No filters.  No photoshop.  No special effects.

Just stark evidence of my head being bigger than a ripened watermelon.

To my well-worn shirt I bid a respectful farewell.

You served with honor and gave it your all at every wearing.

My hope is that you bring the same fashionable grace to the next owner.

God willing he has a smaller gourd.

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 
Oh brother.

Unless you have been living in a cave the past couple years, everyone is familiar with the ongoing investigation by Robert Mueller.

Well, finally the nearly 400 page report has been completed.  Although it claims no collusion—it DID cite many examples relating to multiple sclerosis.

Here are some of the interesting results found in the Mueller Report of MS…..

…you don’t realize you have to pee till the seat belt is fastened…

…you never actually meet the “friend’s Aunt’s cousin” who also has MS…

Watch your step!

…if a rug has a wrinkle, your foot will find it…

…some automatic doors close way too quickly…

…your hair looks its best when you have nowhere to go…

…the Tide Pod Challenge is nothing compared to swallowing a Prednisone…

Dammit!

…you will struggle to button a shirt before noticing the buttons weren’t lined up…

…the item you want on the grocery shelf is always juuust out of reach…

…if there’s something good on tv, you won’t be able to stay awake to watch the whole thing…

…when considering a drink, you must weigh thirst versus number of possible bathroom visits…

Bob Mueller

…a foot massage feels better than any treatment…

…fashion never looks good sitting in a wheelchair…

…a scooter will fail to charge on your busiest day…

Wake up, sleepy head!

…your deepest sleep of the night happens right before the alarm goes off…

…having a short memory makes it easy to forget a bad day…

And finally,

…you would write a letter if someone could read what you have written…

Who knew the special counsel would uncover SO MUCH about multiple sclerosis!

Keep moving.

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 
A big day!

As we all know March has been MS Awareness Month.  (Timely of me to mention this with only a couple of days remaining.)

But did you realize March 28th in particular has been designated as Progressive MS Day?

Well if you didn’t that’s okay too because this is only the second year of its celebration.

It is official.

Progressive MS Day is the brainchild of the fine folks at Genentech (makers of Ocrevus, the MS med specifically for progressive types of MS) as a way of raising awareness of progressive multiple sclerosis.

They invited me to help promote Progressive MS Day (and thereby lower its standards) as I have been living with secondary-progressive MS for many years.

Just how will I help?…the only way I know, by posting my usual dumb thoughts on social media (mostly Twitter).

For those of you not using Twitter, I’ll share my nonsense below…..

“I’m sorry, what was your name again?” #ProgressiveMSDay

**********

TTTodayy is PPProgressiveee MS Dayyyy

–Me, having hand spasm while typing about #ProgressiveMSDay

**********

Hoping for a telethon but I suppose a day will do.

#ProgressiveMSDay

**********

Spasticity & I are tight.

#ProgressiveMSDay

**********

You ain’t got shit till your disease is a hashtag.

#ProgressiveMSDay

**********

Sorry, I would have flipped you off but I drive with hand-controls.

#ProgressiveMSDay

**********

Voted “Most likely to get a chronic disease” in HS.

#ProgressiveMSDay

**********

Almost as fun as joining AARP

#ProgressiveMSDay

**********

Looking forward to getting spinners for my wheelchair.

#ProgressiveMSDay

**********

And lastly…

I would have tweeted sooner about #ProgressiveMSDay but I had to pee.

**********

Me cheering for Progressive MS Day.

There you have it, my worthless contributions to #ProgressiveMSDay.  (Bet they can’t wait till next year!)

Whatever day it is, live it to your fullest.

Keep moving!

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 
What does it mean?

I am not a numbers guy.

I don’t believe numbers influence life’s decisions or events like some may think.

But looking back I begin to wonder.

The number ten, or a factor of ten, really seems to rule what is going on in my world lately.

For example, February of 2009 was my last day of working.

Ten years have passed since.  (And I haven’t really missed it!)

It was ten years ago I went on disability.

Also this summer will be the tenth year of writing this goofy blog.

Pretty weird , huh?  Well, the plot thickens…

Last year my wife & I had our 30th anniversary (a factor of 10).

Meanwhile next year will be the 30th year in our home.

My father passed away twenty years ago this summer.  And my mother-in-law has been gone ten years in November.

It gets weirder.

Just last week I got a phone call from my MS nurse practitioner informing me she is leaving the Cleveland Clinic after working there for twenty years.  (Incidentally, twenty was also the number of years I worked at my last job.)

Oh and how long have I been seeing this person for my MS?  You guessed it, ten years!

Even weirderer…

I have twenty bucks in my wallet.

My car gets thirty miles per gallon.  (Both factors of 10).

Used sparingly!

And there are only ten dental flossers left in the bathroom.  Which, for as often as I remember to floss…should last me the next, you guessed it–ten years!

I look to you for an explanation of this phenomenon.  Do you believe in the meaning of numbers?  Has a certain number influenced your life?  Let me know with a comment to share with everyone.

By the way, there are three hundred words in this post.

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 
Let’s go shopping!

They go by names like Costco, Sam’s Club, BJ’s & the Warehouse Club but the business is the same…membership stores selling product in outrageously humungous sizes.

This is confirmed by the fact that the shopping carts come bigger than my Honda Fit.

Having just received a sale catalog from a neighborhood Sam’s Club, let’s go shopping together to see what we find inside.  (YOU can push the cart.)

Owwie?

Here we have some first aid stuff for boo boos.

Quite frankly, if you need this much Neosporin or Band-Aids, maybe you should call an EMT.

You might be better off with an IV & a tourniquet to stop the bleeding.

Eat’em up.

There is no limit on packages of delicious Johnsonville Brats.

The only limit is when your cholesterol count reaches four digits.

Easter Bunny on hyper-drive.

Easter will soon be here so Sam’s Club offers “sweet savings” on candy.

But if a crème egg isn’t enough, you can always get the kids jacked-up on 5-hour Energy & Red Bull.

Wet music

This floating speaker comes in plenty handy to drown out your cries of help in the swimming pool.

Dee-lish!

Save three bucks on Jack Links jerky.

(Sasquatch no where to be found.)

Tasty fun.

Stock up on Reddi Wip Whipped Topping in the 3 pack size.

Perfect for young lovers & honeymooners.

(Comes with a free insulin shot.)

I want this!

Here is something I think is kind of cool!

And if it sinks you could always use a floating speaker to play a swan song.

Burnt again!

Here’s a cooking tip:

If you need non-stick spray to make pasta, it may be smarter to get take-out.

White meat or dark?

Lastly, we have Tyson Chicken Chips.

Now exactly where on the chicken are the chips?

Must be near the nuggets, I suppose.

That does it for my shopping list.

Tell me about your trip to the club store in a comment while I head to the checkout.

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 
Let’s eat!

Researchers at Brigham and Women’s Hospital sought to find a connection between an allergy & the activity of inflammatory disease.

Their work found new evidence linking food allergies with relapses of multiple sclerosis.  And results were published just this week in the Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery & Psychiatry.

(My copy was somehow lost in the mail and replaced by an issue of US Weekly.  Therefore I was unable to read the complete study but I DID learn about Arianna Grande’s new beau.)

Let’s get serious.

Though the fine work done by Brigham and Women’s Hospital was legit and the published results promising…the following mumbo-jumbo is my own ridiculous thinking of foods I could EASILY AVOID if found to be harmful to my multiple sclerosis.

Here is my list…..

Brussel Sprouts Raw Oysters Black Licorice Jello Salad. Yuck all the way around. Beets Wine

(I have never tasted a wine I enjoyed.  I’m okay with a wine cooler, just not straight wine.)

Celery Walnuts French Onion Soup. Cherries Cow’s Tongue

(My mom loves cold cow’s tongue sandwiches.  I think she was dropped as a baby.)

Shredded Wheat Braunschweiger. Smells as bad as it sounds. Fancy Christmas Cookies

(Give me the old standard chocolate chip.  No balls, pinwheels or weird shapes.)

Olives Coffee

(I’ve never tried it and never will)

Kiwi

(Fruit with hair.  I pass)

Gummy Bears. Just get stuck in my teeth-not worth the effort. Coconut & Pineapple

(Let’s hope I never get stuck on a tropical island.)

Wassail Crab Legs

(I love crab but crab legs are too fiddly for my MS fingers)

Cavatelli Pasta Fruitcake

(It’s official, no one likes it.)

Apricots

I am sure there are more I could add to the list.

Perhaps you have a few foods you would like to see here.  I encourage you to share them in a comment for all to see.

Let’s get serious.

Again, the study & findings are real.

My useless musings are strictly for entertainment only.

Let’s cure this damn disease.

Read Full Article

Read for later

Articles marked as Favorite are saved for later viewing.
close
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

Separate tags by commas
To access this feature, please upgrade your account.
Start your free month
Free Preview