I have been involved in the children’s book industry for over 20 years. I joke that they accidentally let me in. Indeed, something must have been going on…stars momentarily aligned, portals briefly opened… because not only did I get “in,” but my first book, Prietita and the Ghost Woman was written, translated and illustrated by all queer Chicanx people. Gloria Anzaldúa, Francisco Alarcón and myself.
AND not just that, it’s a decolonized retelling of a traditional folktale, La Llorona; AND Prietita, the main character is a young genderqueer person; AND they’re apprenticing with a curendera. I mean, oh my gawd, what?! This is amazing! Truly.
I was ushered in on the wings of a multicolored Alebrije singing the song of Xochipilli and Xochiquetzal on the wind, right? YES!
And, not so much.
It was 1996. None of us were closeted, but I know for myself, queerness was not what I talked about when I went on school visits. And on the rare occasion I presented with Francisco I never heard him broach the subject either, with anybody, not once.
Back in the day it was radical enough to be in a school talking about race and ethnicity, belonging and reflection, even equity with kids of color.
Back in the day it was radical enough to be in a school talking about race and ethnicity, belonging and reflection, even equity with kids of color. So the character Prietita and I, put one foot in the proverbial closet. I stayed silent about their gender queerness to the kids, and when asked if I was married I never denied that I was partnered, but if possible I avoided talking about the truth of who my partner was.
A sage queer, I knew how to measure and sense; sidestep, to keep myself safe and solid. I usually had a day’s work to get through and I needed to keep things moving.
Incidental homophobia would slow me down.
I’m tattooed, pierced, my hair is dyed and I dress fabulously! To the kids I was an edgy oddity that wanted to PLAY! But at every turn, I could see how my queerness might erase the work I was doing, work that I loved and was committed to. I had a part of myself that would go on autopilot with the kids, the teachers and principals. I was aware of what I was doing, but it was beyond my control.
I was teaching about First Voice and equitable reflection, but honestly, I only felt safe with a part of myself being heard and seen. I was protecting my heart, my livelihood and my life’s work.
I was teaching about First Voice and equitable reflection, but honestly, I only felt safe with a part of myself being heard and seen. I was protecting my heart, my livelihood and my life’s work. Gentle avoidance and partial acknowledgments became a part of the game. It helped soften the edges as I skittered through situations that would clearly have been inaccessible to me or greatly altered as the BIG QUEER that I actually am.
I comforted myself with the fact that queerness was deeply embedded, coded, into the understory of all my books, whether illustrated or both illustrated and written by me. I knew as queers, we always search for ourselves and each other, between the lines.
First Voice, is the idea that a community should speak for itself.
Children's Book Press - YouTube
Working with Children’s Book Press changed me. I used the opportunities provided by the press to heal myself, and my own silence and invisibility and still do. Simultaneously, it was CCBC (Cooperative Children’s Book Center) that provided a sane-making, touchstone along the way to reference with their statistics on children’s books by and about People of Color and First/Native Nations. I have been sharing them for as long as I’ve been making books. The journey has been long. Children’s Book Press began moving toward First Voice in 1975. It would be another ten years until CCBC would begin keeping stats for books by and about African American authors, and another 9 years before Native Americans, Latino and Asian Pacific Americans were included. Now another 24 years later, LGBTQ Americans are included in the numbers. 43 years.
Healing takes time that’s why I always call out the heart and the bones of it. We get sick, have kids, dear ones pass. Presidents, politics, social movements. We have to bring our bodies and spirits and emotions through. We must negotiate safety and fury and find peace. It takes time for a paradigm to shift. It has to happen inside and outside. But it is occurring.
I have learned. Voice is a revolution.
The Background Story
VOICE: within a patriarchal, Western society those who can be heard is based on how close one adheres to social standards either by birth or behavior. As a consequence, many queer/trans/intersex authors and artists who create children’s books remain silent about their private lives, especially if they’re Indigenous or POC.
Across communities, the LGBTQI community has been severely marginalized through deep judgment about who we are. Historically, this has been used to create separation between queer/trans/intersex people and kids in society, even our own. Despite recent progress in marriage, parenthood, adoption, civil rights, social justice, California education initiatives and more, judgment and aggression still happen in both big and small ways. It can be social, political, legal, personal, professional, even physical and can weigh heavily on queer/trans/intersex people, often adding to the silence already experienced as Indigenous or POC.
There is a growing trend. Just like with Indigenous and POC communities, many of the people writing about the LGBTQI community are not from the community.
As a result there is a growing trend. Just like with Indigenous and POC communities, many of the people writing about the LGBTQI community are not from the community, and consequently do not have to negotiate the same kind of structural and personal silence. Instead they are parents of queer/trans/intersex kids, as well as related professionals. They lack lived experience and often any connection to the actual LGBTQI community.
However well-intentioned, their work tends to perpetuate implicit bias and power structures that contribute to the very oppression they hope to mediate. (speaking specifically to children’s books)
Not only do those writing from outside the community generally perpetuate the binary and erase its historical context;
– they often prioritize and give greater value to all things cisgender and heterosexual;
– fix emotions and related gender and queer experience as complicated, sad, scary and overwhelming;
– affirm frames that require queer/trans/intersex children to be exceptional, saviors or self-sacrificing;
– focus nearly exclusively on males, especially ones wearing dresses;
– and consistently include bullying narratives.
They also tend to be almost exclusively white.
When we look at the newly documented LGBTQI statistics, we can clearly see that the vast majority of children’s books are by non-community members. And while authors could stay in First Voice or #ownVoice as parents and professionals, they rarely do. Instead they step in and speak as authorities and/or use their voice as the voice of the LGBTQI community.
It only makes sense that the same Social Justice frameworks developing for equity in children’s books regarding race and ethnicity include the LGBTQI community.
This is problematic on numerous levels. And with great thanks to CCBC for providing yet another touchstone to move forward, the time to heal this must be now. It only makes sense that the same Social Justice frameworks developing for equity in children’s books regarding race and ethnicity include the LGBTQI community, especially since queer/trans/intersex people are a part of every indigenous and community of color. It’s time to bring this next level of the conversation forward and unite Indigenous, POC and LGBTQI equity in children’s books. And beyond. These oppressions are intimately tied together.
Within a social justice frame it must also be noted that the next to be heard in LGBTQI children’s books are almost exclusively white, cisgender voices of gay or lesbian people. While necessary and important, they tend to perpetuate uneven power dynamics, including implicit bias around race, ethnicity and sometimes gender. It goes without saying that when white voices are the only ones heard, it gives the impression that only white people are queer and trans.
Who’s Controlling the Narrative
It’s fascinating to look at the CCBC stats and literally see who’s telling stories. Except for the Native American community (which I believe is in large part due to the amazing work of Debbie Reese) ALL MARGINALIZED COMMUNITIES have the majority of their stories told by authors OUTSIDE OF THEIR COMMUNITIES.
There are countless, amazing stories about Indigenous and POC and queer/trans/intersex people that ALL NEED TO BE TOLD, but it matters who is telling them. Not just because there will be greater meaning and veracity for a first voice/own voice author, but because our presence is needed.
There are countless, amazing stories about Indigenous and POC and queer/trans/intersex people that ALL NEED TO BE TOLD, but it matters who is telling them. Not just because there will be greater meaning and veracity for a first voice/own voice author, but because our presence is needed. This is not a trend. This is not about ‘diversity sells.’ This is about real people and communities. The heart and the bones of it. We are here and we need to have our actual body, spirit and heart included for the change to be both real within and without, and final.
We speak differently, see differently, even feel and think differently and we can and should affect the world. This is our gift and power. Our stories and ideas cannot be co-opted then sifted through white, cis, straight authors and publishers and remain real. Beyond actual plagiarism, the very act of others telling our stories takes our power away, contributing to both real and systemic silence.
These stories about us are not actually about us. Ultimately, they can only ever be frames that show how white, cis, straight authors and society feel about, and see us. Even if they value us, it is still ultimately about them.
What does this communicate and at what level? That our lives are a publishing trend? That we are not adequate to tell our own stories? Or simply that our lives continue to be a source of income for the dominant culture, but not for ourselves?
I have heard amazing tales of workshops at large conferences specifically designed to teach white authors how to write stories about POC. Is that why in the last 3 years stories about and not by have dramatically jumped for communities of color? What does this communicate and at what level–to Indigenous, POC, LGBTQI people? And what about to white, cis, straight authors and artists? That our lives are a publishing trend? That we are not adequate to tell our own stories? We cannot be trusted to speak our own truth? Or simply that our lives continue to be a source of income for the dominant culture, but not for ourselves?
Sitting at a table of librarians recently, I asked if they thought it was better to have a book that was deeply flawed, or not have a book at all. I thought we might have a lively discussion, and being librarians I thought they’d go for the books, but everyone agreed. It is better to have no books at all than books that are fundamentally flawed. A book out in the world stands as an independent authority. It generally doesn’t come with an informed librarian, parent or teacher to point out where to apply critical thinking to see beyond the limitations of the author or how that author fits into a larger dynamic in society. It is what it is.
Books are power.
Children’s books are raw power.
First Voice/Own Voice and Healing
I’m haunted by my first book. In my imagination, the spirits of Gloria and Francisco have entered the pages and are walking down the road with Prietita. A self-described dyke, a gay man and a genderqueer youth. Prietita is holding a drawing of Ruda. This is the herb that the curendera needs to help heal their mother. They’re committed to finding it even though they must cross into forbidden territory to do so.
Published over 20 years ago, the queerness of this book has become more and more obvious to me recently. It was always there. But healing takes time.
First voice/own voice is an essential turn toward equity. Just like Indigenous and Children of Color, LGBTQIA2S+ kids should have access to stories by and about authors and artists just like them and not have to read between the lines. This open reflection, relevance and empathy contribute to a sense of well being, value and belonging in the world, making it doubly essential for queer/trans/intersex kids from those same communities. The ongoing stigma that separates and silences our community in relation to kids and family is changing, but MUCH more change is necessary.
Has that time come? Now that we’re included in the count?
The final post in my blog series was done in two sections, if you missed the first part on THE BINARY & THE HOLISTIC SELF, find that here. And, if you missed any of the last four weeks on NATURE, MULTICULTURAL AWARENESS, INDIGENOUS HISTORY, & EARLY US HISTORY check those posts out here.
WELCOME TO the second part for this WEEK – THE HOLISTIC SELF & THE GENDER WHEEL!
As we close this gender series with the second section of PART FIVE, we open our eyes to a whole new way. Firmly embedded in the truth that queer/trans/intersex people and experience are everywhere throughout nature, we move into new, truthfull ways of perceiving ourselves and the world around us. Using holistic thinking to keep the truth alive, we turn now toward the holistic self and gender, and ultimately land on The Gender Wheel.
With The Gender Wheel as a resource to navigate the world, more truth and ways to include every body open up! A tool to find yourself and understand our community in holistic ways.
As parents, educators and activists we have the power to expand beyond the gender binary, learn about and use more gender neutral pronouns and create lasting change. Now is the time for a whole, true world for us and our kids!
Step into the circle, where we ALL belong!
In the first section we explored the holistic self including exercises to call in more of your own holistic self. Now we continue on.
Here is a reminder of what the holistic self includes, as well as an image of those elements in concentric circles. Both images are the holistic self.
The HOLISTIC SELF includes: BODY, SPIRIT, MIND, HEART and the UNKNOWN.
a holistic perspective of gender can be seen by including the truth of the WHOLE SELF.
BODY: the body you have – intersex, trans, cis and more
SPIRIT: that inside sense of who you are of which gender is a part
MIND: how you interpret your sense of self to the world, pronouns are a way to communicate who you are within the current culture or reality
HEART: your self in relationship, including partner, family, friends and community
UNKNOWN: all that is yet to be discovered about yourself
By truthfully including all of the kinds of bodies present, you can take a significant step away from the false binary. In the most basic sense there are at least 3 kinds of bodies: Intersex, Transgender and Cisgender. In order to create familiar landmarks, and because they are still so widely used, I add the markers of boy and girl to these three. This expands people to a minimum of 6 kinds of body: intersex girl/boy, transgender girl/boy, cisgender girl/boy. Within these 6 body types, there are countless variations, some of which reach far beyond these limited words. Body variation is a fact in all species. It’s prevalence in relation to sexual organs, inside and outside, marks it as an important and necessary trait of biodiversity within a species.
Truth clears the path of false debris. There were never only two kinds of bodies.
Spirit: Life Force, Personality, including Gender.
In the last 120 years there have been numerous attempts at trying to locate, define, explain gender. But a full understanding of gender remains elusive in Western culture. Considering the binary and the systems of oppression, is there room for gender to be fully understood in this context? Or is that the point? Erasure.
Here are two points of reference. One is from 154 years ago, another from 29 years ago, both are moments of naming self in relation to queer/trans identity in relation to Western culture.
“Male Body with a Female Spirit”
The first person within Western culture to publicly define and defend what would later be called homosexuality was Karl Heinrich Ulrichs.
“Already in 1864 and 1865 Ulrichs had published a series of five booklets presenting a new scientific theory of homosexuality, the so-called third sex theory, which, by asserting that the condition is inborn and natural, formed a basis for his demand that the contemporary antihomosexual laws be abolished.” “The essential point in his theory of homosexuality is the doctrine that the male homosexual has a female psyche…” Psyche is defined as human soul, mind or spirit.
“… to the point of his theory, he recalled that as a child of three and four years he wore girls’ clothes and found it painful when he first had to put on boys’ clothes. He protested, “No, I want to be a girl.”
Note: This was the same time that Darwin began publishing his theories about nature in 1859 through 1881.
“Two Spirits, One Heart, Five Genders” Indigenous North America
“At the point of contact, all Native American societies acknowledged three to five gender roles: Female, male, Two Spirit female, Two Spirit male and transgendered. LGBT Native Americans wanting to be identified within their respective tribes and not grouped with other races officially adopted the term “Two Spirit” from the Ojibwe language in Winnipeg, Manitoba, 1989. Each tribe has their own specific term, but there was a need for a universal term that the general population could understand.”
The term Two Spirit cannot be directly translated into LGBTQI definitions. As Will Roscoe notes, it includes specialized roles, gender variation, spiritual sanction as well as same-sex love. It is rooted in tribal tradition and is unavailable to people without tribal affiliations.
How do we understand gender? Instead ask, how do we understand the full breadth of nature and its mystery?
Despite the fact that these are two very different times and experiences, Karl Heinrich Ulrichs in Germany and the Two Spirit people of North America, both used spirit and included more than 2 genders to express who they are.
Some people in Western culture ask if gender is necessary and can it be eliminated? But what we call gender is part of nature. Elimination rings of erasure. Nature is a vast dance that holds grand diversity, meaning and mystery beyond human comprehension.
How do we understand gender? Instead ask, how do we understand the full breadth of nature and its mystery?
Nature holds the energy that infuses matter with life. It is the power of growth and healing. It bursts forth and rises up and never ends. It is the mystery of death, birth and eternity, even infinity. Poetry, song and art have been the traditional tools to express the power of nature for time immemorial. It holds the mystery of love, attraction, family, community.
Only so much can be contained, dissected, examined before even nature flattens out and perishes under Western culture’s restrictive systems and binary gaze. Nature cannot ultimately be controlled, much like love. It is larger than us. We are a part of its great and powerful dance and what we call gender is integral.
What I know from my own experience is that gender is how spirit moves through matter, much like the life force or how a person’s unique personality animates their form. Gender enlivens the body, the same way spirit brings the body to life. It is as unique as someone’s personality, it is the dance of nature, it is mystery and love. Gender is not isolated. It is an expression that permeates every aspect of self, BODY, MIND, SPIRIT, HEART. Gender is self as spirit alive and part of the natural world. It moves through the whole self animating, dancing, reaching out to connect.
Mind: Pronouns – They, She, He, Me, We, Ze, Free.
Within the context of patriarchal oppression it is challenging to think or speak of gender without flattening it out, stripping the spirit, the mystery and profundity of the deeper value. Ideas of gender expand and deepen when seen within the context of the whole self. The real truth of gender is meant to begin within, where you can just BE, without the need to define and box yourself in. Alone, in your own mind, gender can be pronoun-free and perfectly nonbinary as “I, me, myself.”
Pronouns then become the way of extending your gender out into the world, beyond yourself. Again, the power is yours, sourced within your own knowing, your own BEing. Your knowing includes yourself and the world you’re navigating because pronouns can be used to bring your true self into greater focus, or maintain fluidity. They can also be used to maintain safety and privacy.
Love is one of the foundations of life. It is vital. And in most ways, it is a mystery much like gender, best navigated by poetry, song and art. Expressions of mystery, emotion and depth.
Love is necessary and valuable. Can you explain why you love who you love? More importantly, why should you have to? Who can separate their heart, their love from their true self? In fact, who we love often makes sense out of who we are and vice versa.
Here again, LGBTQI2S+ people are so prevalent in nature, that our numbers signify we are not random aberrations, but instead our presence serves an important and necessary purpose within our species.
Unknown: room to expand and grow into our larger SELF.
It is nearly impossible to know what we don’t know or have forgotten, but leaving room to grow is a way to invite those parts of our self back into awareness.
But in order to fully understand queer/trans/intersex experience and presence, it is necessary to step outside of Western culture to explore systems and perspectives that center nature, indigenous thought, our whole selves, and our whole lives.
The separations that have developed between identities and experience of LGBTQIA+ people in Western culture over the last 120 years have been useful in acknowledging difference, unique contribution and the vast diversity in our community.
But in order to fully understand queer/trans/intersex experience and presence, it is necessary to step outside of Western culture to explore systems and perspectives that center nature, indigenous thought, our whole selves, and our whole lives. Doing this often shows more connections and interweaving between us as queer/trans/intersex people than Western culture has room for. More often than not, it is in having this larger perspective including knowing the past that we can more fully know ourselves in the present.
Look again at this image to see gender in relation to the Holistic Self.
Ironically, although I knew it was there, I only recently drew the singular Self in relation to gender. I did it in response to a parent activist I met whose work I wanted to support with an image. It wasn’t until I did this that I understood that my notions of gender have always been in relation to my whole community, every body together, connected, similar to a communal system. Perhaps because I am a queer femme or because I am Xicanx that I’ve always focused on the dance. It was through the dance of gender between people that I better understood my own gender and those fabulous queer/trans/intersex people in my community with whom I wanted to dance.
In my world, gender is rooted in love, community, connection, relationship. It is when we see ourselves together that we understand ourselves and each other more.
THE GENDER WHEEL
These four aspects of the self, BODY, GENDER, RELATIONSHIP and PRONOUN aren’t necessarily fixed. For many they are fluid, either all the time or for periods of time. In order to accommodate the holistic self and the infinite possible bodies, hearts, minds and spirits in combination and potentially in motion, I needed a symbol that was natural, dynamic, infinite and inclusive to portray gender in truth.
One organically rose from my heart.
I began developing The Gender Wheel and published its original incarnation in 2010 in The Gender Now Coloring Book, one of the first books to address transgender and intersex topics with kids. It conveyed how I saw the world around me and was rooted in my personal experience as a queer, femme, Xicanx artist/activist/parent having healed from the effects of profound homophobia in my family of origin. I initially created it for my then 5 year old child, Zai to share about the people in our community. I was committed to passing on a queer/trans/intersex-centric perspective in my family rooted in mamiearth.
The Gender Wheel rose from:
Cultural significance – infinity, eternity, calendars – Mayan and Aztec
Nature – shapes and patterns of growth, my Mexican American father conveyed a deep love of nature and respect for the cycles of life and death
Circles/Concentric/Movement/inclusive, nonlinear – holds infinite positions around its circumference and moves forward and backward
The Gender Wheel includes 4 concentric circles:
The first 3 circles are the SELF: Body, Inside or Gender, Pronouns
and the 4th circle is the SELF in Relationship
In the beginning, The Wheel had 3 circles and primarily focused on Body and Inside or Gender. When first published in The Gender Now Coloring/Activity Books, my intention was to exponentially expand ideas about bodies and gender and begin blowing the binary apart. For reference and confirmation, The Wheel is then seen in context with nature, global cultures and history to see how it rolls and understand its reach.
The center circle meant to designate self later became the Pronoun Circle.
The 4th circle, Relationship, is COMING OUT this year along with The Rainbow Alphabet, a book for young ones about LGBTQIA2S+.
All circles hold infinite potential. Familiar markers are placed around each circle to show connection and flow, but words are in constant flux and the truth is WE NEED A LOT MORE WORDS to truthfully express who we are. Because the binary is so deeply embedded and because I’m focused on kids, I use the dominant boy and girl in our culture and try to play, rearrange, reconnect, expand and steadily dismantle them to support new ways of thinking about old patterns. Beyond 2 boxes or a spectrum with two ends, The Wheel is a place to find yourself, see your community and know you belong in the circle.
Each week of this month I’m focusing on a different theme in relation to Queer/Trans/Intersex fabulousness. If you missed last week’s post on MULTICULTURAL AWARENESS, check that out here and the previous week’s post on NATURE can be found here.
WELCOME TO INDIGENOUS HISTORY WEEK!
In PART THREE of the gender series we open our eyes to our ancestors in North America, the lives they lived and the echoes of that time that still sing through to this day. Beginning again with Leslie Feinberg and their book Transgender Warriors, we position ourselves here, on the land we live on and the people who’ve lived in North America for thousands of years.
There is an undeniable strength and power that queer/trans/intersex people hold. Opening up to multicultural awareness about gender showed that the history and presence of our community is global and stretches through the expanse of time with great variation. As we look at queer/trans/intersex history here in North America we find a similar story.
We see courage, persistence and endurance. Frequently in matrilineal/matrifocal communities, we can see an inability to deny the power of nature within the self, and instead a commitment to give it expression, fluidity and freedom. Like many global cultures that acknowledge 3rd and 4th genders, multiple gender expression permeates a vast number of indigenous cultures in ancient North America.
3rd and 4th genders provide a more nature-based embodiment within a culture that supports and celebrates roles for queer/trans/intersex people. These are the kinds of roles that create connections and bridges, synthesize information and experience, and maintain expansion for their communities. Valuable roles that serve their people and time, but can also serve as a lifeline to another person at another time.
The National Museum of the American Indian when it was located in the Bronx. You can now visit the museum here.
In this short video, Feinberg speaks about the moment they first found 3rd/4th gender representation. The truth in our ancestors was so clear and undeniable, it could reach through time and open Feinberg’s eyes to their own self. It was at The National Museum of the American Indian.
Outlaw - Leslie Feinberg on Discovering Transgender History - YouTube
Although numerous tribes never forgot and remember to this day the presence of 3rd and 4th genders from their traditions, most knowledge about gender went underground during the time of aggressive colonization and rightly so. But when knowledge goes underground for safety and survival reasons, it is easily lost or temporarily misplaced. The fact that this knowledge was not lost and in fact could not be denied and is rising with greater strength even now, is a testament to the enduring power of queer/trans/intersex people and the positions they played in North America’s historical past.
In contemporary times, it can be challenging to step outside of the Western framework and into a more indigenous one. Western messages have become deeply embedded, even internalized, until it seems they are reality itself. And sadly much of the documentation that reflects pre-colonized perspectives are filtered through heavily biased individuals and systems. However, by putting them in context and looking with a queer eye, we can gain a valuable window back in time that can help re-frame and potentially heal the present.
From Transgender Warriors, “ ‘Strange country this,’ a white man wrote in 1850 about the Crow nation of North American, ‘where males assume the dress and perform the duties of females, while women turn men and mate with their own sex!’
I found hundreds and hundreds of similar references, such as those in Jonathan Ned Katz’s ground breaking Gay American History: Lesbians and Gay Men in the USA, published in 1976, which provided me with valuable research. The quotes were anything but objective. Some were statements by murderously hostile colonial generals, others by the anthropologists and missionaries who followed in their bloody wake.
Some only referred to what today might be called male-to-female expression. ‘In nearly every part of the continent,’ Westermarck concluded in 1917, ‘there seems to have been, since ancient times, men dressing themselves in the clothes and performing the functions of women…’
But I also found many references to female-to-male expression. Writing about his expedition into northeastern Brazil in 1576, Pedro de Magalhaes noted females among the Tupinamba who lived as men and were accepted by other men, and who hunted and went to war. His team of explorers, recalling the Greek Amazons, renamed the river that flowed through that area the River of the Amazons.”
Feinberg’s book fascinated me because of its range. It is a sweeping testament and holds the freedom and the beauty of containing their own personal experience and exploration as part of their documentation.
“I began to hear more clearly the voices of Native peoples who not only reclaimed their traditional heritage, but carried the resistance into the present…Two historic developments helped me to hear the voices of modern Native warriors who lived the sacred Two-Spirit tradition: the founding of the Gay American Indians in 1975 by Randy Burns (Northern Paiute) and Barbara Cameron (Lakota Sioux), and the publication in 1988 of Living the Spirit: A Gay American Indian Anthology. Randy Burns noted that the History Project of Gay American Indians ‘has documented these alternative gender roles in over 135 North American tribes.’
“I knew that Native struggles against colonization and genocide—both physical and cultural were tenacious. But I learned that the colonizers’ efforts to outlaw, punish, and slaughter the Two-Spirits within those nations had also met with fierce resistance. Conquistador Nuno de Guzman recorded in 1530 that the last person taken prisoner after a batter, who had “fought most courageously was a man in the habit of a woman….”
These books are joined by one that drops more specifically into the life and times of We’Wha. Will Roscoe’s The Zuni Man Woman was published in 1991. It won the prestigious Margaret Mead Award, as well as the Lamda Literary Award. We’Wha was the most famous lhamana, a traditional Zuni gender role, now described as mixed-gender or Two-Spirit.
“In truth, the ground American society occupies once may have been the queerest continent on the planet. The original peoples of North America, whose principles are just as ancient as those of Judeo-Christian culture, saw no threat in homosexuality or gender variance. Indeed, they believed individuals with these traits made unique contributions to their communities.”
“The evidence of multiple genders in North America offers support for the theory of social constructionism, which maintains that gender roles, sexualities, and identities are not natural, essential, or universal, but constructed by social processes and discourses…”
It may not be possible to fully understand indigenous perspectives on gender and sexuality after centuries of colonization, but by turning in this direction we can begin to learn. In listening more closely and opening our minds and perspectives, we can help root a present and a future where queer/trans/intersex and indigenous people are once more treated with deep honor and respect. Our ancestors are still alive in us and on this land.
This makes it valuable to more fully understand the history of indigenous North America. Numerous stereotypes persist because of deeply biased scholarship.
One book I recommend to expand perspectives is 1491/New Revelations of the Americas Before Columbus by Charles Mann. It helps with envisioning what indigenous North America must have been like. Very different than what most of us were taught, it helps give some framework to the economic, spiritual and healing/health systems functioning at that time.
Here are videos that share some of the inclusive, indigenous genders still singing through from the ancient past into the present time in North America.
Although in ancient time as today there has always been a 4th gender, what is sometimes called female-to-male, it appears within a patriarchy these representations are more actively suppressed. What is sometimes called male-to-female is more frequently represented.
The Middle Road/Kane Wahini, Wahini Kane in Hawaii
PBS HAWAII PRESENTS: A Place in the Middle - YouTube
Man, Woman, Muxe/3rd Gender in Mexico
Muxes - YouTube
Two Spirit/Native American Tribes
Two Spirits in Native American Culture - YouTube
Two Spirits, One Dance For Native American Artist - YouTube
A closer look at WORDS and Native American experience
Two Spirit People - YouTube
IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT…
You are surrounded by a vibrant, beautiful group of queer/trans/intersex folks. It may be a small group or even a very large group. A strong underlying feeling of mutual respect and a sense of service and belonging permeates everyone’s actions and reactions within this group and extends to everyone beyond this group. In fact, you’ve experienced a deep feeling of being fortunate and lucky ever since you were a small child.
You were always seen as a gift, and encouraged to blossom freely. As you developed into your queer/trans/intersex self you were cherished and your family invested in you to develop your natural skills.
Creativity, spirit, service, mediation, intuition, home, family. Strength, insight, endurance, freedom, independence, passion. These strengths are valued within you and allowed to flourish for the benefit of yourself and the community.
You know that everything in nature includes your reflection. Rest down into yourself.
In a Eurocentric, colonized environment complete suppression is the name of the game. Genocide, slavery, aggressive interruption of culture, stealing and destroying land… The true history of the US and the indigenous people of the Americas has and is suppressed if not completely distorted either intentionally or through ignorance by the dominating culture.
While minor change has occurred to bring greater truth, it has been extremely slow and education remains severely lacking on multiple levels. One of the primary problems is that the majority of people are taught through the public school system where perspectives that do not include indigenous history or people in a truthfull manner are passed on by positions of authority. These perspectives are then firmed by larger social, political and cultural systems.
The colonization of North America was at all times an economic venture. Anything and everything that could be used to disrupt and overtake the perceived resources was employed. 3rd and 4th gender roles in indigenous cultures were people who generally held more economic, spiritual, sexual, health and social power than most in their community. It is not surprising that there are stories about specifically targeting and shaming these individuals. This would diminish their role as well as fundamentally impact their community.
Racism against indigenous peoples of the Americas can be personal but it is always systemic in the US. A country that evolves from aggressive colonization holds at its core the same principles that created it. Unless these foundations are consciously addressed fully, they continue without interruption and permeate all aspects of society.
Over centuries of developing justification for aggressive colonization, numerous theories were provided that falsely position indigenous and POC as inferior to Europeans. Although proven wrong, the emotional impact of this kind of promotion has lasting effects on the mentality of the population at large. Again, if not consciously addressed these sentiments have a life of their own across a society that systemically oppresses indigenous people.
“Alternative gender roles were one of the most widespread and distinctive features of native societies throughout the continent, yet they are barely mentioned in ethnographies and, until the 1980s, no anthropologist or historian comprehensively studied them. A conspiracy of silence has kept the subject obscured and hidden. In the eight volumes published to date of the Smithsonian Institution’s state-of-the-art Handbook of North American Indians, berdaches* are mentioned in entries for only sixteen tribes—an accuracy rate of barely ten percent based on the number of tribes with alternative gender roles listed in the index here.”
*Note: ‘Berdache’ is an outdated Persian term no longer in current use, brought over by the French to designate 3rd and 4th gender roles in indigenous North America. Two Spirit is the term adopted in the 1990’s by native people to reflect an alternative to Western labels like “gay, lesbian, transgender, as well as berdache.”
The indigenous and POC LGBTQI2S+ communities continue to be some of the most invisible, silenced and marginalized people, even within the LGBTQ movement, which has historically maintained a predominantly Eurocentric bias.
BACK TO THE TRUTH and PRACTICAL, DAILY APPLICATION
By creating a truthfull foundation that includes nature, multicultural global awareness, as well as the reclamation of the suppressed history of North America, we literally begin to reconstruct the world we live in.
By creating a truthfull foundation that includes nature, multicultural global awareness, as well as the reclamation of the suppressed history of North America, we literally begin to reconstruct the world we live in. This is not isolated to one area of thought or theory. This quite literally touches everything. And as we bring this information into more common awareness, it changes everything it touches. The world is queer and always has been.
Making this world view accessible to our kids, not only makes their lives better, more sane, it resonates OUT, changing the present. And from there, it changes the future in ways that we can only guess.
Quite literally, truth heals. We may not know the specifics of where we’re going, but we can clear the path and open up to the highest good available. By acknowledging what’s happened and what is, we can heal through to the present.
What supports this kind of knowing and healing? We need our queer/trans/intersex, LGBTQI2S+ elders to connect with our kids. We need our queer families to hold these truths and pass them on to their kids at home, and when possible get them shared in the schools.
We need to pursue whole stories that address not just LGBTQI2S+ oppression, but the systems that were brought to this country through colonization and the impact they’ve had and continue to have to this day. Together we are stronger.
Here are 4 areas where you can put truth to action:
1.Think differently. Imagine different ways to consciously engage with kids that includes expansive gender expression beyond the binary.
From The Zuni Man Woman:“Before the ages of four to six, gender was not emphasized as an attribute of the child, and parents and other relatives referred to the children of both sexes with the same term, cha’le’, or child. In fact, cha’le’ was applied to the offspring of any animal. Only later were children distinguished with such terms as ‘aktsek’i, young boy, and katsik’i, little girl.
change the nouns you use to refer to kids and people in general to include the possibility of 3rd and 4th genders: kids, child, people, folks, y’all, peeps…
5 weeks of expanding the mind and beautifying the world with Queer/Trans/Intersex fabulousness!
I’ve been studying and living my queer culture for over 30 years. There is much wisdom and beauty within it, great artistic expression and brilliant scholarship, small intimate stories and large sweeping narratives. This series is rooted in my community and meant to bring into greater light some of the basic truths of queerness in the world around us.
Since the 1990’s there’s been a noticeable uptick in queer scholarship in the areas of history, science and more. Not surprisingly, holding an outsider perspective lends itself to seeing through the dominant culture’s deeply held prejudices in numerous fields. Queer scholars have the tendency to expose what is and always has been in nature, in society, in history, in humans, with less filter and a queer lens. This leads us to what is truthfull, while teaching us more about LGBTQI2S+ falsehoods and how and why they’ve been perpetuated in our current culture. Understanding how these larger societal systems function and getting current on this kind of scholarship helps us mediate between what is real and what we and our kids have been and are being taught in the world at large.
Understanding how these larger societal systems function and getting current on this kind of scholarship helps us mediate between what is real and what we and our kids have been and are being taught in the world at large.
By stating what is, the need to defend, prove or convince others eventually becomes moot. We simply are. We can all stand in the truth of what is and grow from there. This has an enormous impact on our hearts and minds and bodies as queers/trans/intersex, and changes the ways that we move through the world inside and outside. Instilling confidence, belonging, respect and value are not something we have to work on or prove that we deserve any longer, we simply are. Allowing an internal shift to take place in view of this kind of information is key. The truth of what is will set us freee! We are and always will be, Queereternal, Gendernow!
The foundations of my gender work are the same ones that reverberate through all of my work, whether it explicitly addresses gender or not. Holistic, nature-based, rooted in self and community love, truth speaking, IPOC/LGBTQI2S+ centered, fully inclusive and meant for practical daily application.
Gender Now Coloring Book published in 2010
I began gathering resources and sharing my gender work for kids and families in 2010 with my Gender Now Coloring Book. I wanted a solid go-to resource that I could use with my kids that would also be valuable for other families. It’s loaded with information. TONS of information! (There are a lot of games and play too!)
I’ll be teasing out some of the resources and details of Gender Now as we move through this series. I just have to say, everything is jammed with love! I hope this serves as a call to more and more truth and love centering and listening to the LGBTQI2S+ community, especially Indigenous and People of Color (IPOC). Our gorgeousness abounds! We must share OUT!
What’s in store each Week
Each of the next 5 weeks will focus on a different theme: Nature, Multicultural Awareness, Indigenous, and US history, and finally the Gender Wheel. The series is appropriate for grownups and young adults, but is ultimately about bringing greater awareness and support to our kids and families.
Each week begins with an introduction to books by queer scholars and goes on to include the following sections: Imagine for a moment, What is commonly taught and thought, Back to the truth and Practical daily application with 4 areas where you can put truth to action. There’s also coloring pages, children’s books, scholarly books, videos and more.
A Holistic frame is used throughout the series. Mind is not separate from body, and sexuality is not separated from gender. This perspective is developed through the course of the series culminating in the Gender Wheel. Consequently, gender is seen relative to the LGBTQI2S+ community.
This series is just a beginning and is not meant to be a sole resource. It is a glimpse into a fraction of the research I’ve done. It is explicitly meant as a doorway to further study and play. The more we lift up and use the brilliant scholarship from our own community, the sooner truth will support us in creating a more equitable world of love and respect.
WELCOME TO NATURE WEEK!
In PART ONE of the series we open our eyes to the natural world all around us, remembering that we too are a part of nature.
We begin by looking at two highly praised books that represent a slow and growing trend. They document the reality of animals. As a consequence they also highlight how Western culture has suppressed the truth of queer/trans/intersex expression and presence in nature. While it will take years, perhaps even decades for the professional field to create overarching academic frameworks to accommodate this shift in thinking, the information is out there now and its strength is growing.
As parents, educators and activists we can support a shift toward this kind of truth telling by keeping ourselves abreast of this developing scholarship and exploring how to put it to practical daily use, especially in the classroom and home.
After 10 years of research, Bruce Bagemihl’s Biological Exuberance/Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity was published in 1999. Nature/International Journal of Science said, “This book should surely become the standard reference work for research on the topics covered.” It gathers in once place a staggering array of over 300 mammals and birds, documenting same-sex partnering and extensive gender diversity.
“The animal world—right now, here on Earth—is brimming with countless gender variations and shimmering sexual possibilities: entire lizard species that consist only of females who reproduce by virgin birth and also have sex with each other; or the multigendered society of the Ruff, with four distinct categories of male birds, some of whom court and mate with one another; or female Spotted Hyenas and Bears who copulate and give birth through their ‘penile’ clitorides, and male Greater Rheas who possess ‘vaginal’ phalluses (like females of their species) and raise young in two-father families; or the vibrant transsexualities of coral reef fish, and the dazzling intersexualities of gynandromorphs and chimeras. In their quest for ‘post-modern’ patterns of gender and sexuality, human beings are simply catching up with the species that have preceded us in evolving sexual and gender diversity—and the aboriginal cultures that have recognized this.”
In 2004, Joan Roughgarden’s Evolution’s Rainbow/Diversity, Gender and Sexuality in Nature and People was published. Nature/International Journal of Science weighed in again saying, “As a compendium of information on sex and gender diversity in the natural world, Roughgarden’s is the richest and most authoritative book available,” making it a perfect companion to Bagemihl’s book.
“Roughgarden’s compilation shows wide variations of gender expression among vertebrates, demonstrating that several stereotypes about gender are simply incorrect, she maintains. For example animals aren’t just male or female; individuals can be both male and female at the same time or be one or the other at different times. Males are not necessarily bigger than females, and in many species, it’s not the females who give birth but rather males that incubate eggs in a pouch. And like the Bluegill Sunfish, many species have three or more genders.”
Sex-Changing Clownfish (4-min) - YouTube
And the scholarship continues. These two books don’t reflect the work of one person, but literally hundreds of people working in their field.
A 2009 study says, “Same-sex behavior is a nearly universal phenomenon in the animal kingdom, common across species, from worms to frogs to birds, concludes a new review of existing research.”(1)
IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT…
Take the time to try this on. Stop and imagine that everything you see around you in the natural world is queer/trans/intersex, similar to humans. Every plant, every animal, every insect and bird, flora and fauna alike.
Imagine the natural, exuberant expression of everything, visible everywhere you look. Feel yourself as an integral part of all of this. Couple this with the idea that all of this diversity and expression is appreciated and valued as important and necessary. Nature and all that it is, is seen as perfectly natural.
‘Queer’ is no longer other. Queer! is everything.
Finally, imagine growing up and being taught this in school. Imagine your parents, family and friends speaking casually about the queer/trans/intersex-ness of all nature as if it’s normal and necessary and encouraging you to learn about it too.
WHAT IS COMMONLY TAUGHT AND THOUGHT
Charles Robert Darwin (1809-1882)
At this time and for a long time, Darwinism is the name of the game. Charles Robert Darwin (1809-1882) is considered the father of evolution and described as one of the most influential figures in human history. The impact of his work cannot be denied or diminished, despite the fact that there is a lack of evidence for most of his theories.
Beyond his basic thoughts about evolution, he included that nature is inherently competitive, the purpose of sex is procreation, females of a species are small and coy, while males of a species are large and aggressive. Anything and everything falling outside of these parameters is aberrant according to Darwin. And coupled with his belief that man evolved from apes was the belief that the white race was the most evolved thus superior, with all other races falling in graduated ranks below. (This last one continues to be knocked down through genetics that state there is only one race. All humans are equal.)
Now I don’t pretend to know everything. In fact, what I’m sure of is that there is still much to learn and synthesize in ways that I cannot know, possibly ever. But I do believe there is much that can be known. For example, it is always valuable to look at what is, especially when it comes to that kind of influence attributed to one person. Looking at Darwin’s context, what his theories explicitly and implicitly foster and/or promote and how they’ve impacted our LGBTQI2S+ community can be known and can shed light on a larger perspective of how Darwin’s theories still function in our society and why.
Here are some extremely general sweeps to place Darwin in context. He predominantly lived and worked during what is called the Victorian age in England, 1837-1901. This era is known for hypocrisy and repression, sexual restraint and a strict and limiting moral code. It is also a time of great transformation, including a shift from a highly religious social frame to a more secular one. Until 1861 homosexuality was an offence punishable by death. Slavery was legal until 1833.
Darwin’s theory of evolution was seen by some as a threat to traditional creationist beliefs. Still it was widely accepted by the 1870’s by the scientific community and a majority of the educated public, marking a secular shift in consciousness at the time.
Queen Victoria reigned and is the namesake for the era, however the British Empire was a patriarchy and sought to expand across the globe using violence, particularly in Asia and Africa.
Some of the fundamentals of Darwin’s theories will sound familiar as they’ve either been subsumed into Western culture or rise from it. These beliefs can become invisible, creating an implicit back drop that constantly promotes and supports the patriarchal Western Culture from the inside out.
These include but are not limited to, man over nature. Women are inferior. Man over woman. Nature is competitive, not cooperative. Survival of the fittest. White supremacy. Sex is for procreation and the survival of the species. There is only male and female. Everything always partners in heterosexual pairs.
On LGBTQI2S+ Community:
The impact on our community begins with the erasure of queer/trans/intersex experience and bodies from nature through the exclusive focus on heterosexual males and females. Our invisibility makes it easier to control the dominant narrative about us, maintain judgment, as well as avoid talking about bodies and sex. When queer/trans/intersex experience and bodies do come to light they are positioned outside of what is considered normal and positive, because sex without the possibility of procreation is considered fundamentally wrong, even unnatural.
BACK TO THE TRUTH and PRACTICAL, DAILY APPLICATION
The more we look at nature and how it’s talked about the more we can see the layers of impact Darwinism has had on science, Western society, and our community in particular. In contrast, Joan Roughgarden’s work upends much of Darwin’s impact by exploring the prevalence and consequent value of queer/trans/intersex expression and bodies in nature, while framing them within the context of the natural world as largely cooperative.
Her perspectives and those of many more like her, propose that there is another, more authentic way to include all expressions of gender and sexuality throughout the natural world in ways that do not encourage dominance and prejudice.
Joan Roughgarden’s work upends much of Darwin’s impact by exploring the prevalence and consequent value of queer/trans/intersex expression and bodies in nature, while framing them within the context of the natural world as largely cooperative.
You can learn more through her TED talk:
Sexual diversity in nature: Joan Roughgarden at TEDxAmazonia - YouTube
Here are 4 areas where you can put truth to action:
1.Think differently. Open up to the possibility of thinking outside of Darwinism. This includes thinking beyond opposites and binaries, beyond stereotypes and generalities. Take time to look at nuance, greater and greater inclusion, what erasure if any is functioning and if and how context influences things. Try looking at things from new and larger perspectives. For example, it’s not about ‘understanding or explaining gender.’ It’s about looking at everything and seeing how gender is naturally expressed everywhere all the time around us.
2.Speak truth. Open up to new ways of speaking that reflect an expanded understanding of nature and gender. For example, stop saying ‘boys and girls’ and instead say people or kids. Become aware of more and more gender assumptions. For example, excusing boys for physically rough behavior while assuming or encouraging girls to be less physical or physically smaller. And so on.
3.Interrupt falsehoods. Speaking truth is awesome, but it has to be coupled with interrupting untruths or it has no power. We must also take the time to say what is not true and acknowledge that almost everything around us is saying these untrue things about nature and gender, but that doesn’t make them anymore true. If we don’t model this for our kids, no one will. We can embrace the truth about nature now. Some simple examples are kid movies. Speaking the truth about Clown Fish, bears, snails, whales, and so on. Snails are not girls or boys. Some lizards are lesbians. Some animals are both girl and boy.
4.Educate toward truth/children’s books and adult resources. These are what I consider my absolute basics to date.
These days, these days, these days. Everything changing. So much discomfort. Everywhere hope and courage. So much waking up as the children take to the streets speaking truth OUT loud.
So much more waiting in the wings.
These days, I close much of my correspondence with “take good care through these bumpy times.” I can’t not acknowledge the world shaking around us, within us, reality shift, shift, shifting about. I personally feel compelled, driven, but always looking to soften and slow down to stay strong for the long dance and the ever moving earth.
Last year feels like a blur. It was a deep and challenging year and I’m damn happy it’s over, although there were some pretty fantastic times too. This year feels different. I feel strangely seasoned, knees bent, head up. Blowing in the wind like a tree.
It’s vital that our kids see adults creating books, investing in their own voice, expanding OUT into the world with their own stories, histories and truths.
It was a phenomenal journey that began in 2015. As I look at the three books and the 58 artistauthors who shared their work over this time, I’m humbled and perfectly blown away. They prove to me what I know in my heart. Everyone has a story. Everyone is an artist and it changes us when we express.
It’s vital that our kids see adults creating books, investing in their own voice, expanding OUT into the world with their own stories, histories and truths. I love indigenous, POC, LGBTQI2S+ narratives unbridled by limitation, valued from the heart, and not just included, but centered. I love creativity allowed to flow in service first to ourselves, and then overflowing out from there into our communities, changing the world.
Voice Is a Revolution mini-course in School of the Free Mind
This last year I dropped deeply again into the practice of children’s books. I wanted to share through posting a few videos to the school, but much to my surprise it resulted in a mini course just added to School of the Free Mind called, Voice is a Revolution: Writing Children’s Books from the Holistic Self.
It validates that it can be personally challenging to come more powerfully into voice, which leads to sharing what practices supported me most during this last year and finally a series of guided worksheets to support coming into a more holistic voice. This last piece is connected to a workshop I got to do during my Fresno residency. I’m excited because this holistic piece resonates throughout my work and one of my goals is to make it as accessible as possible to folks. It expands who we are! Of course I’ve got a picture book in mind.
For me personally, a strong voice and a holistic self are fundamental to staying strong while having my own indie press. Everything I do in some way points to folks starting their own presses and expanding beyond the traditional systems. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to turn the tides of our culture, but the time is clearly NOW. Make Books Now!
I’ve got a number of more books in the makes this year. I don’t want to say what, when, where, how–too much until the time comes, but there are some fabulously marvelous bits!!!! And this Fall I’ll be sharing something I’ve never done before and it is moving me toward one of my secret dreams.
I’ve also begun a partnership with two fabulous activists, Laurin Mayeno and Mauro Sifuentes. Already deep in the mix, we’ll be doing a private presentation soon, and then present again this summer at Gender Odyssey in Seattle. Aligning our work and standing together feels revolutionary and comforting. I am beyond excited to push beyond the binary with these two.
Counteracting Bias with Action
The unconscious, implicit bias in some of the LGBTQI children’s books by non-LGBTQI authors communicates on a much deeper level than the “main” story and perpetuates systems and perspectives within our culture that are damaging to our LGBTQI youth.
I’ve also begun sharing my new worksheet, Vetting LGBTQI Children’s Books with Love at the North Bay LGBTQ Family Symposium last month. After two rounds of plagiarism this last year and seeing firsthand the kind of distortion and damage that can be done by non-LGBTQI people speaking about our lives and realities, I felt I had to do something.
I consolidated the framework I use to review LGBTQI children’s books with a queer-centric perspective into a worksheet to open the conversation (you can see this in practice at our School of the Free Mind/The Heart of It LGBTQI book reviews). The unconscious, implicit bias in some of the LGBTQI books by non-LGBTQI authors I’ve come into contact with communicates on a much deeper level than the “main” story and perpetuates systems and perspectives within our culture that are damaging to our LGBTQI youth. I’ll be sharing this worksheet next month as part of my Gender Month (read more below).
There are an abysmal amount of children’s books for our community. We need MORE QUEER VOICES and stories rising from QUEER WISDOM and LIVED EXPERIENCE. WE need to lead the narratives that are connected to our lives and families and LGBTQI2S kids.
Book Festivals, Interviews and Reviews
March I’ll be at the Tuscon Book Festival. Feel free to come make art with me at one of the workshops if you get a chance. I’ll also be on a number of panels with other amazing artists and authors who have received the honor of a Pura Belpré Award. And I get to share the stage with Peter Reynolds in one panel, another favorite of mine.
Ok, like I say in my workshops, I’m going to shut up now. I have literally a thousand or more things to bring in but there’s more serious play to attend to, like next month. March is Gender Month on my blog. Every Friday I’ll be sharing a big chunk of my research here and how it ties to The Gender Wheel and much, much more. There will be articles and videos and reviews, as well as coloring pages, curriculum and play!
There’s some gorgeous queer scholarship out there and I want to shine the light on who has informed my work.
Lots of information for grownups and kids. Just like with children’s books where I share everything I know from 20+ years in the biz, I’m going to share all the extra fabulously nerdy research that lies within my gender books for kids that I’ve accumulated over 30+ years of queerdom. This is an inside story. There’s some gorgeous queer scholarship out there and I want to shine the light on who has informed my work. I can’t wait!
Alright darlings, love. Love and love and love and more love.
Make it strong, make it aggressive and sure footed, aim for your own heart, your own spirit. Dive into loving your truly valuable self. We need you. We need your voice, or we are not a whole people. Together, we are the revolution. The world is changing right now. It’s going to be a long dance, but with deep self love spreading out to community love, WE ARE THE WAY. Voice is a Revolution.
Take good care through these bumpy times my love, xomaya