Lost in Transgender is a blog about Crossdressing, Autogynephilia, Transgender, Feminisation Transsexual Fantasy & Crossdreaming, Male to Female Transformation, TG Films & Videos and Forced Fem & Men Becoming Women
I first saw Bibi Anderson in Vincent Aranda's 1977 film 'I Want to be a Woman' (Cambio de Sexo) when I was a teenager.
Bibi played a transsexual showgirl in the movie, which required her to expose her male genitals at the end of her dance performance. A later scene shows her stripping off showing herself naked after SRS. She explains that due to the SRS she now has to wear a latex penis to satisfy the curiosity of the audience. She holds out a box containing the latex penis during one scene in the movie.
I simply presumed that Bibi was a Spanish cis actress playing the part of a transsexual showgirl, wearing the latex penis.
Bibi was born as Manuel Fernández Chica, on 13th February 1954, and spent her childhood in Malaga. Bibi was assigned male at birth and began female hormone treatments as an adult, changing her name to Bibi. Bibi is also known by the name Bibiana Fernández, I believe both names have been used when crediting her works.
When Bibi became her true self, she began appearing in cabaret and burlesque shows in several of Barcelona's vaudeville locations. This was during her late teens and early 20s. I can only presume the shows she appeared in exploited her pre operative status.
Bibi had become an extremely beautiful, tall and glamorous woman, who would not look out of place on the cover of any top fashion magazine.
It was during this time that she was discovered and asked to appear in Aranda's 1977 film 'Cambio de Sexo'. There is a scene in the film which shows a poster for Bibi's stage show out side one of the theatres, which could possibly be the real show that Bibi appeared in. Perhaps the sequence within the film was a record of one of the actual cabaret appearances?
Bibi was a real asset to the the film. Her acting ability proven she became a celebrity all over Spain, making several television appearances and releasing many successful hits songs.
Bibi with Victoria Abril
In the 1980's she appeared in many of Pedro Almodovar's movies such as 'Matador', 'Kika' and 'High Heels'
Almodovar's 'High Heels' was his usual visual feast of colour and style, which used transgender characters.
Here we see Bibi in a musical dance sequence. You'll notice that her co star in the film was Victoria Abril, a cis actress. If you remember Victoria Abril played the transsexual woman in the earlier film 'I Want to be a Woman', Cambio de Sexo.
Tacones Lejanos - El baile carcelario - YouTube
Here is also an earlier Bibi Andersen music video of her song Lady Champagne.
Bibi Andersen - Call me lady champagne - YouTube
Are you affected by crossdressing? Do you have cross gender feelings that you find difficult to talk about? Why not try Cross Dream Life at http://crossdreamlife.lefora.com
Joesphine Joseph - Male or Female? - Freakshow Exploitation For those that follow this blog you'll know that I have a keen interest in exploitation film and if there's even a hint of gender swopping then I'm on the case. I recently dug out Tod Browning's classic 1932 film 'Freaks'. A film made during the free reign of the pre-code era before sensibilities and censorship took control over Hollywoods output. For those that are familiar with this vintage curiosity you'll know that what makes this film different is the use of real 'freaks' who were not actors but themselves. One of these characters was Josephine Joseph, half male and half female, having a body that was split down the middle as half male and half female.
In today's world this film by Tod Browning will initially be seen as a non PC bad taste exploitation piece. However those that are brave enough to watch this film and see and judge the film for what it is will see a film which begs the viewer for tolerance and acceptance.
The film was banned in the UK for thirty years, even then being released in a highly cut down format. The original was released at 90mins but due to censorship issues it was cut down to 64 minutes. Sadly the original version is lost only the cutdown remains. From watching the film I get the feeling that many of Josephine Joseph's (JJ) scenes are now missing. I fear the film was cut as it was thought the film was too upsetting for the general public to view. Disabled people in film was a total taboo and was so for years after this films controversy.
But back to the reason for writing about this movie. JJ was the character who was playing her/himself within the movie, and in real life made a living from appearing within freak shows at the time of filming. JJ scenes in the existing version of the film are very limited here is one of the team:
Freaks (1932) - Josephine Joseph Scene (2/9) | Movieclips - YouTube
In freakshow fashion hermaphrodites were usually displayed in the half and half state. One side of the body male and the other half female. An outfit was also also created to help manifest the illusion of half male and half female, which would be a one piece, where one side was male and the other half female.
The illusion was also enhanced by two different hairstyles, one side male the other female. Rumour has it that many who were in the 'freak' scene exercised one side of their body making it muscular and toned whilst leaving the other side soft and flabby to create the 'moob' required for full effect. Some of these performers were male and some were female. I strongly suspect that JJ was actually a genetic born female who was exploiting public interest in the gender bending performances of the freak shows,
In real life JJ was a bit of an enigma. It is not known if JJ was actually male or female or actually perfected a convincing stunt pretending to be a hermaprodite.
JJ was prosecuted in the United Kingdom at a show in Blackpool for false pretences and conspiracy on account of their "Half Woman-Half Man" circus show. Joseph claimed to be 27 years of age at the time (although in reality she was 33–34). The court alleged that the show was a fraud, and that she was not a true hermaphrodite.
JJ was married to George Waas. Much of JJ's personal life, including birth name, date of birth and death, has never be correctly verified.
The fashion of the half male half female continued to arouse public interest and was also part of the German burlesque scene of pre Nazi Berlin in Germany. As shown so perfectly here in the opening credits of Tinto Brass's Nazi exploitation film Salon Kitty.
Salon Kitty opening number - YouTube
Tod Browning's Freaks is easily available.
Are you affected by crossdressing? Do you have cross gender feelings that you find difficult to talk about? Why not try Cross Dream Life at http://crossdreamlife.lefora.com
As transgender athletes are a hot transgender topic at the moment I thought I would do some research into the history of how the establishment has exploited cross gender within sport competitions.
During my research I came across the story of Heinrich Ratjen who was born Dora Ratjen. Dora says in her own words, "My parents brought me up as a girl I therefore wore girl's clothes all my childhood. But from the age of 10 or 11 I started to realize I wasn't female, but male. However I never asked my parents why I had to wear women's clothes even though I was male"
Dora Ratjen AKA Heinrich Ratten or 'Heinz'
Dora was forced by the Nazi's to replace their Jewish high jump athlete, as part of the Berlin 1936 Olympics. The Nazi's were fully aware that Dora was a male who had been brought up as a female by his mother. So the Nazi's would rather have a trans person winning than a Jewish person. The whole concept is highly bizarre.
In 1938 she was examined by a German physician who described Dora's genitalia as having a "coarse scarred stripe from the tip of the penis to the rear", and stated his opinion that with this organ sexual intercourse would be impossible. It is from this point onward that we perhaps understand that Dora had an intersex condition.
After the war Dora began living as a male, calling herself Heinz.
Times magazine reported that Dora had presented as Hermann, a waiter in Bremen, "who tearfully confessed that he had been forced by the Nazis to pose as a woman 'for the sake of the honor and glory of Germany'. Sighed Hermann: 'For three years I lived the life of a girl. It was most dull.'"
Heinz refused all interviews about his life so it is very difficult to confirm the real story of his unusual life. Heinz died in 2008.
The film Berlin 36 covers her story, of a version of the story which will differ from the reality of her life.
Crossdressed and ready for the Nazi Olympics
The synopsis for the movie is:
Nazis remove talented high-jumper Gretel Bergmann from Germany's Olympic team because of her Jewish faith, and they replace her with another athlete -- who turns out to be a man. Together the two conspire to ruin the Nazi Olympic ambitions.
Here is the trailer:
BERLIN 36 | U.S. Trailer - YouTube
The film is easily obtainable on DVD and streaming services. Well worth a watch. Enjoy.
Over the last few years I feel I have come full circle regarding my outlook on gender. As a very young child, pre school years, I decided that males and females were in fact the same. The only difference was the clothes that men and women presented in. My brain also decided that these 'costumes' that provided the gender difference also permitted the wearer to behave in a certain fashion, either masculine or feminine. Such a belief from myself as a young child was entirely understandable. Adults know that the costume that you wear dictates how you behave. If you're a policeman in uniform on duty you'll be in work mode commanding a level of respect compared to the same person dressed casual at a social occasion.
Such a simple ideology dreamt up by a young child meant that becoming a member of the opposite sex could easily be accomplished. Where this original thought came from I really don't know. The presented image of the female either adult or child, together with the permitted behaviour and emotions that were allowed by females was very appealing to me. So my brain fixated very early on the ability for me to experience 'girlhood'.
I will now share with you some random transgender memories which have stuck in my mind over the years.
Doing my early years of school life I soon learnt that such desires could never be made public, and needed to be kept under wraps. I remember playing in the playground once and a girl came up to me and said 'You scream like a girl', I was so ashamed. It was as if this girl had seen what was on the inside of me. My manner at the time was just like any other boy, or so I believed, however I was very shy. Another thing I was ashamed about was that I could never throw a ball over arm like the rest of the boys. If I attempted to throw a ball overarm it would only travel a very small distance. The other kids teased me saying that I can't move my arm right and throw like a girl. Sports days were an embarrassment.
My parents moved house a few times, when I was very young, which meant I had to go to a number of different schools, which didn't help with my shyness. One thing I noticed was that at each school I went to there was a 'girly boy'. Oddly enough these boys played with the girls and didn't get picked on by the other boys. I remember being totally fascinated with such feminine boys at school. I didn't befriend them as this would be a serious risk to my own acceptance. Why was I so fascinated by them? Well here was a young boy my age who was expressing a behaviour pattern, girliness, and he was dressed as a normal boy like me. He didn't need to have the costume to enable him to act like a girl, nor did he act ashamed as he was simply being himself. I would watch and admire the feminine boys from afar whilst at school. At one school the resident girly boy was playing a game of kiss chase and he caught me which meant he had to kiss me. I had to put on an act of struggling as he gave me a big kiss in front of my friends much to their amusement. I secretly liked the kiss, I was eight at the time.
As I grew up and went to the local comprehensive (12 to 17 years), I noticed the local feminine boy was not treated very well at all expect by the other females. The males would ridicule anything different and of course he was. I was still very fascinated by such feminine males, but this feminine boy who was girly in every way to the extreme also had a sister in the same year. The may have been non identical twins. What was strange about them both was that she was exceptionally masculine, she was dressed as a normal girl but had the behaviour and manner of the other boys. She was never teased like her brother.
So my private study of gender through feminine boys or masculine girls was all I had to understand my own concepts of gender. To make matters even more confusing the 'twins' when they reached leaving age they both presented as heir assigned gender. He was no longer girly and she was no longer boyish. Both had gone through their own internal transformation. Maybe this was forced upon then in order to conform? I will never know.
On leaving school there were two social icons who renewed my fascination with cross gender behaviour. Boy George and Marilyn. Seen here is this short clip (actors playing Boy George and Marilyn) from the BBC drama 'Worried About the Boy', which is a must see. There are full versions of the film on YouTube to watch.
A Gurl and a Boy: Marilyn & George - YouTube
In my late teens I had developed twisted testicles. Yes this is exactly what you think it is. The blood supply is cut off and the testicles die if untreated. The pain was so great that the doctors 'saved me' from castration. Looking back I often wonder if it was my own body rejecting the masculinity that was to come.
It was also during this time that sexchange operations made headlines, usually in the Sunday tabloids. With the usual very unkind comments, which would result in transphobic arrests by police if they were printed today. Tula (Caroline Cosey) was the beautiful Bond girl who used to be a male, Stephanie Anne Lloyd who used to be Keith Hull made the headlines with her sexchange too. With Stephanie's story the newspapers printed some form of untrue bizarre story regarding the events leading up to the sexchange. They stated that Keith has contracted a rare tropical disease and that the only cure was to take oestrogen and have a sexchange - how bizarre. Stephanie later reinvented herself and became the owner of the chain Transformation shops in the UK.
Another unusual story was Stephanie Robinson, who I first learned about through her modelling and her appearance in a TG magazine. Stephanie was particularly interesting as she did not fit the usual narative. The following is from Reuters
Stephenie Robinson, a British transgender police officer born Stephen, never felt like she was trapped in a wrong body and never dreamed of living life as a woman.
Robinson’s transition from man to woman began 35 years ago with one doctor’s diagnosis that the reason behind her unmanageable sex drive, suicide attempts, violent outbursts and occasional cross-dressing was simply because Robinson should have been female.
The doctor proposed three treatment options to the then-26-year-old computer engineer: brain surgery, aversion therapy or female hormone treatment..
Desperate not to be sent back to a psychiatric hospital, Robinson decided to try female hormone therapy. The estrogen treatments addressed her psychosomatic issues, which ranged from hypersensitive skin to a violent temper that, at one point, prompted social services to threaten to take her children away.
But Robinson was far from being overwhelmed with joy.
Stephanie says, “The impact of estrogen taking is that you will feminize and there’s no way out of that.”
I myself have been feminized to a certain degree and have used estrogen to bring about an inner peace. Which has its own problems in its self. I have written many times about my oestrogen use here and here for example.
One of the sites that I always like to promote is CrossDreamLife which is a friendly forum for gender questioning people. The forum is also a good support centre for those who can't transition as it's simple not an option in their lives. There are plenty of case studies on there from others who experience cross dreaming. Cross dreaming describes the thoughts and feelings of the desire to express the inner woman. Many have found peace and a 'solution' to their situation.
Another event in my life was to explore all of the transgender feminisation fantasies out there through the medium of video. Tranisa was formed almost 10 years ago and introduced us to the fantasies previously reserved only for print, TG Captions and stories found on the net. It was difficult to move fantasy to film as when filming you are presented by the walls of reality all around you, however our actresses really got into the stories and made it real for the viewer, no matter how outrageous the story. I even appeared myself as a male who is feminized in the story, this was usually when the booked male actor got cold feet and didn't show up for filming.
So at the beginning of this blog entry I said I have come full circle with my view on gender, as I now feel like I did as a child that we are all the same, and that gender does not really matter. Male and females are the same, I know in reality men and women are very different, but to aid my sanity I have decided that we are all the same. We can be who we want and we can express who we want to be, subject to confidence and social situation.
As previously said I have feminized myself to a certain degree. This has probably influenced my thinking somewhat. Before using estrogen I really could not see the wood from the trees. Everything was quite a mess in my head. However as I previously have stated in blog postings I have 'yo-yoed' on and off hormones over the years which I know is not good for me, but they seem to be the only thing that genuinely helps me.
What happens when a wife discovers her husband crossdresses? Have you been caught crossdressing? Please let me know.
This trailer is from one of the first films we made at Tranisa, which examines what happens when a young man is caught out and discovered to be a secret crossdresser. The film is a happy film showing the positive side of what can happen when we believe the worst has actually happened.
My Pretty Husband. Wife Accepts Crossdressing Transgender Partner - YouTube
Masie and Satine are having their coffee morning discussing what to wear at the weekend when the postman arrives. Masie opens a package addressed to her husband by mistake and is surprised to find a transvestite magazine inside. Both Masie and her friend Satine are shocked that Masie's husband Peter may be a secret crossdresser.
Peter returns home and is confronted by Masie and Satine. The truth is soon forced out of the very nervous Peter.
What follows is Masie and Satine's introduction to Peter's inner woman. The girls dress peter in feminine ladies underwear, matching bra and panties with some extra soft pantyhose for his girly legs. Makeup applied his face looks like a doll. The long red wig finally transforms Peter into a very convincing woman, much to the pleasure of the girls'.
Encouraged to be girly Peter soon forgets he is a man and enjoys his new future as the girls feminized play thing. Do You Need Support For Your Transgendered / Crossdreaming Feelings?CrossDreamLife is a friendly transgender forum which explores the world of Crossdreaming and crossdressing. Discover others like yourself who dream of becoming a member of the opposite sex.
Felix from the Transcend Movement has created a number of extremely helpful books tacking the very difficult subject of gender dysphoria and cross dreaming. These books are especially helpful to those who are in a position where they feel they can't express their inner female, as well as those who are considering transition.
The ideas and methods presented in these books are totally original and are very much 'outside of the box' thinking. You'll really question your own personal motivations and discover new methods of help, allowing you to cope with your own gender feelings.
These books are seriously good. I would not put a plug up on this site unless I was not impressed by the contents of these books. Money well spent and an excellent investment in yourself for the future.
Once fully feminized would you find yourself in a cloudy position with regards to your transition? Would you no longer have the reference or understanding which drove you to transition in the first place?
Cheryl Sussex, author of this blog post
So what if you're transitioning and all of your feelings regarding transition are most sincere. You’re convinced it is the right thing for you to do. You’re getting positive feedback from the hormones you’re taking. Your brain is less cluttered, the obsession of crossdreaming is much reduced and you feel much happier as a person as a result. You’re now free to simply get on with your life. The desire to transition is still there pushing you harder and harder along the transition conveyor belt. Your sex drive is much reduced and you are much happier being less driven than before. You have perhaps achieved your goal, the quality of life is better, you feel yourself (what ever gender that is) for the first time in ages.
At this point there are a number of outcomes to this scenario, mainly dependant upon each individuals personality type, confidence and support network of friends and family.
1. You feel cured. So much so that you don’t understand what the whole transition business was all about in the first place. You stop taking hormones and decide that perhaps life as a male is not so bad after all. You’re OK for lets say two to three months and then the cross dreaming thoughts come along again. You hold out for as long as you can but you end up taking the oestrogen again just to have a clear head. This process may repeat itself over and over for many years. However after each cycle you have been pushed a little further along the transition conveyor belt.
2. You stay with the hormones. You like yourself now. Everything is great. The estrogen dose is maximised, you live full time and all is going well with your transition. You are doing the right thing. SRS may even be a strong consideration.
Lets pretend that these two outcomes could still eventually come to the same to the same conclusion that this person below experienced. A person who transitioned when young and has lived most of their adult life as female. The ‘AG’ in the text below refers to Autogynephila:
"Transitioning from male to female alleviated many of the symptoms of AG. In my mind, this is why many with AG find transition as the answer to their prayers... up to a point. They wish to be female sexually... transitioning lets them become what they need sexually... but ultimately the hormone which has pushed them into this corner (testosterone) becomes weakened... the very element pushing the need for femininization is cut off... and without this hormone, the need for transition becomes cloudy... the meaning of their entire sex life becomes cloudy... the reason for their feminization becomes uncertain... and they feel lost. "
This person recognised a strong cross dreaming element to the transition process from the beginning.
"I started transitioning from male-to-female in the late 90's. At the time I explained my concerns of being AG and transitioning to my therapist, but he didn't see it as problematic. It probably didn't hurt that I was small, attractive, and extremely passable. I think those aspects "qualified me" in their books... almost no matter what I said in session." " I transitioned and lived for almost a decade in the female role. It was great in many ways (I was "present" during sex with a partner instead of locked in my own fantasy world! I was seen as attractive and enjoyed the attention from both men and women. I felt a certain ease in the daily feminine role instead of trying and failing to measure up to the masculine.), but terrible in others (Expense of transition. SRS is final. Most TS's I know have severe lifelong issues -- even the ones who "pass" completely. As you age, the need for FFS and other surgeries becomes a reality if you want to stay on the feminine side of the tracks. Being a female can be frightening -- I was in two attempted rapes. I resented having to be tied to an endo and pills forever. I found that it was hard to have true girlfriends because they look at you differently than other women... even when they say they don't. Etc.)... and ultimately I de-transitioned."
"Now, years later I'm on hormones again. It took years for the AG to return, but when it did (I suspect when my T levels returned to normal pre-transition levels), I knew that I had to deal with this somehow... and forever..."
"I'm hoping that I can skirt the issue between genders... living work as male and everything else as female. I understand this is a very limited and difficult existance (and possibly not fulfilling), but I have no choice. No therapist has shown me a way to get rid of AG... and years of willpower and denial made me angry and almost suicidal, so..."
"My hope is that I can continue living a limited female role until I'm old enough that I no longer pass and/or my need to express myself sexually has diminished to where I no longer need to be a girl. Will that happen? I can't say... maybe... we'll see..."
"After I de-transitioned, it took my system many, many years to regulate hormones. For years I was asexual and had no AG. In fact, I thought I was cured. Then..."
"I noticed my forehead was getting greasy... I was getting more aggressive... I was having sex dreams again... and getting aroused. I knew my T level was rising after all those years dormant... and that's when the AG started to return. I was really horrified. As a child I'd prayed that God would release me of these thoughts. I thought he'd answered my prayers... but now learned differently."
"I wanted to run back to transition, but fought it -- I'd learned too much of the reality of transition to do it again, but with no cure for AG, how could I deal with it?"
"For me, I looked at what I needed most... to be seen as female on a casual social level and sexually... and this is where I hope to keep it. I choose not to have SRS and change my documentation (what a nightmare it was to change back last time!), but to come to terms with being an extremely feminine male (tg)."
"To this day I really wish there was a cure to this. More than female, I really just want to be "normal."
This experience seems to be more common that we think, with the crossdreaming condition. There are many that argue that the test for transgender transition is to take estrogen and see how you respond. The common thought is that the person with the Feminisation Fetich will soon come off hormones and be relived to return back to normal masculinity. But many have taken oestrogen in high does with T blockers over many years, transitioned and then found themselves in the position the person has described above.
Transgender forums are full of stories of people 'yo-yoing' back and forth between the two worlds. These people are not fantasists and are very real. Their feelings of gender dysphoria are very powerful and are driving them to take oestrogen's to feel like themselves.
Psychologist Anne Vitale has recognised that many transgender clients over the years, have experienced what she calls 'Testosterone Toxicity'. Briefly that testosterone is the driver for transition, and coupled with the aromatase into oestrogen makes things much worse for the transgender individual. The aromatase into oestrogen is the part of this subject that I simply don't understand. However you can read the report here which has some excellent case studies
Here is an extract:
"It is also known that the administration of cross sex hormones MUST be maintained to sustain the anxiolytic effect. It is not unusual for some patients, feeling better after starting hormones, to believe they are cured and no longer need to continue the medication. Unfortunately what they experience is a quick return of their gender dysphoria. If there is any physical test to determine who should seriously consider partial or full transition, taking cross sex hormones is it." "In addition, to account for the periodic need to cross dress in certain males, I predict that eventually we will find that as testosterone levels rise above some threshold in the daily lives of these males (Ahokoski et al 1998), that the enzyme aromatase becomes active and temporarily converts testosterone into estradiol forcing a strong desire to dress and live, even if only temporarily, as a woman." "as counterintuitive as it may seem, it can only be assumed that testosterone plays a crucial role in forcing certain male individuals to crossdress and experience femininity to the maximum degree possibly."
So is testosterone the driving force behind transition for many? Perhaps testosterone only has to exist in very small quantities for it to act as a driver? For some the feminisation process may have been going on for years before the 'cloudiness of transition' sets in. For other only a few weeks of treatment is a enough to switch off the condition.
But the problem is what do we do to treat ourselves and maintain a quality of life? For those who come off hormones many are restarting again months or years later just to find some relief.
I myself have restarted a low dose regime of oestrogen. I simply could not stand it any longer and knew the only thing I could do to help myself was to take oestrogen. I am now far happier, my brain is settled and everything in my life seems to make sense. I am happy, but I know as I continue the problems of how I will be perceived to others will become apparent. I too just want to feel normal and oestrogen makes me feel normal regardless of gender. It feels as if I have no choice but to accept my feminisation, in order to be myself. Maybe I am transphobic myself and this is my problem?
So I would be interested to hear from others who are in the same boat as me. Have you come to a form of acceptance? Perhaps a partial transition even? Have you fully transitioned and now wonder what has driven you to transition in the first place? Did you experience all of the above, fully transition and are happy?
Tranisa presents another forced feminization classic.
Lara and her husband are having marriage problems so they decide to try and solve their problems by visiting a doctor. Lara's husband is rather sexist and has very old fashioned ideas about Lara's role in their marriage. He want her to be more submissive and 'to do as she is told'. The doctor has other ideas and decides that the problem is with Lara's husband not Lara. He is soon transformed into panties, stockings and a big pink sissy dress to make HIM more submissive. A great fun male to female transformation of a sexist husband into a sissy plaything for his wife.