Lost in Transgender is a blog about Crossdressing, Autogynephilia, Transgender, Feminisation Transsexual Fantasy & Crossdreaming, Male to Female Transformation, TG Films & Videos and Forced Fem & Men Becoming Women
Felix from the Transcend Movement has created a number of extremely helpful books tacking the very difficult subject of gender dysphoria and cross dreaming. These books are especially helpful to those who are in a position where they feel they can't express their inner female, as well as those who are considering transition.
The ideas and methods presented in these books are totally original and are very much 'outside of the box' thinking. You'll really question your own personal motivations and discover new methods of help, allowing you to cope with your own gender feelings.
These books are seriously good. I would not put a plug up on this site unless I was not impressed by the contents of these books. Money well spent and an excellent investment in yourself for the future.
Once fully feminized would you find yourself in a cloudy position with regards to your transition? Would you no longer have the reference or understanding which drove you to transition in the first place?
Cheryl Sussex, author of this blog post
So what if you're transitioning and all of your feelings regarding transition are most sincere. You’re convinced it is the right thing for you to do. You’re getting positive feedback from the hormones you’re taking. Your brain is less cluttered, the obsession of crossdreaming is much reduced and you feel much happier as a person as a result. You’re now free to simply get on with your life. The desire to transition is still there pushing you harder and harder along the transition conveyor belt. Your sex drive is much reduced and you are much happier being less driven than before. You have perhaps achieved your goal, the quality of life is better, you feel yourself (what ever gender that is) for the first time in ages.
At this point there are a number of outcomes to this scenario, mainly dependant upon each individuals personality type, confidence and support network of friends and family.
1. You feel cured. So much so that you don’t understand what the whole transition business was all about in the first place. You stop taking hormones and decide that perhaps life as a male is not so bad after all. You’re OK for lets say two to three months and then the cross dreaming thoughts come along again. You hold out for as long as you can but you end up taking the oestrogen again just to have a clear head. This process may repeat itself over and over for many years. However after each cycle you have been pushed a little further along the transition conveyor belt.
2. You stay with the hormones. You like yourself now. Everything is great. The estrogen dose is maximised, you live full time and all is going well with your transition. You are doing the right thing. SRS may even be a strong consideration.
Lets pretend that these two outcomes could still eventually come to the same to the same conclusion that this person below experienced. A person who transitioned when young and has lived most of their adult life as female. The ‘AG’ in the text below refers to Autogynephila:
"Transitioning from male to female alleviated many of the symptoms of AG. In my mind, this is why many with AG find transition as the answer to their prayers... up to a point. They wish to be female sexually... transitioning lets them become what they need sexually... but ultimately the hormone which has pushed them into this corner (testosterone) becomes weakened... the very element pushing the need for femininization is cut off... and without this hormone, the need for transition becomes cloudy... the meaning of their entire sex life becomes cloudy... the reason for their feminization becomes uncertain... and they feel lost. "
This person recognised a strong cross dreaming element to the transition process from the beginning.
"I started transitioning from male-to-female in the late 90's. At the time I explained my concerns of being AG and transitioning to my therapist, but he didn't see it as problematic. It probably didn't hurt that I was small, attractive, and extremely passable. I think those aspects "qualified me" in their books... almost no matter what I said in session." " I transitioned and lived for almost a decade in the female role. It was great in many ways (I was "present" during sex with a partner instead of locked in my own fantasy world! I was seen as attractive and enjoyed the attention from both men and women. I felt a certain ease in the daily feminine role instead of trying and failing to measure up to the masculine.), but terrible in others (Expense of transition. SRS is final. Most TS's I know have severe lifelong issues -- even the ones who "pass" completely. As you age, the need for FFS and other surgeries becomes a reality if you want to stay on the feminine side of the tracks. Being a female can be frightening -- I was in two attempted rapes. I resented having to be tied to an endo and pills forever. I found that it was hard to have true girlfriends because they look at you differently than other women... even when they say they don't. Etc.)... and ultimately I de-transitioned."
"Now, years later I'm on hormones again. It took years for the AG to return, but when it did (I suspect when my T levels returned to normal pre-transition levels), I knew that I had to deal with this somehow... and forever..."
"I'm hoping that I can skirt the issue between genders... living work as male and everything else as female. I understand this is a very limited and difficult existance (and possibly not fulfilling), but I have no choice. No therapist has shown me a way to get rid of AG... and years of willpower and denial made me angry and almost suicidal, so..."
"My hope is that I can continue living a limited female role until I'm old enough that I no longer pass and/or my need to express myself sexually has diminished to where I no longer need to be a girl. Will that happen? I can't say... maybe... we'll see..."
"After I de-transitioned, it took my system many, many years to regulate hormones. For years I was asexual and had no AG. In fact, I thought I was cured. Then..."
"I noticed my forehead was getting greasy... I was getting more aggressive... I was having sex dreams again... and getting aroused. I knew my T level was rising after all those years dormant... and that's when the AG started to return. I was really horrified. As a child I'd prayed that God would release me of these thoughts. I thought he'd answered my prayers... but now learned differently."
"I wanted to run back to transition, but fought it -- I'd learned too much of the reality of transition to do it again, but with no cure for AG, how could I deal with it?"
"For me, I looked at what I needed most... to be seen as female on a casual social level and sexually... and this is where I hope to keep it. I choose not to have SRS and change my documentation (what a nightmare it was to change back last time!), but to come to terms with being an extremely feminine male (tg)."
"To this day I really wish there was a cure to this. More than female, I really just want to be "normal."
This experience seems to be more common that we think, with the crossdreaming condition. There are many that argue that the test for transgender transition is to take estrogen and see how you respond. The common thought is that the person with the Feminisation Fetich will soon come off hormones and be relived to return back to normal masculinity. But many have taken oestrogen in high does with T blockers over many years, transitioned and then found themselves in the position the person has described above.
Transgender forums are full of stories of people 'yo-yoing' back and forth between the two worlds. These people are not fantasists and are very real. Their feelings of gender dysphoria are very powerful and are driving them to take oestrogen's to feel like themselves.
Psychologist Anne Vitale has recognised that many transgender clients over the years, have experienced what she calls 'Testosterone Toxicity'. Briefly that testosterone is the driver for transition, and coupled with the aromatase into oestrogen makes things much worse for the transgender individual. The aromatase into oestrogen is the part of this subject that I simply don't understand. However you can read the report here which has some excellent case studies
Here is an extract:
"It is also known that the administration of cross sex hormones MUST be maintained to sustain the anxiolytic effect. It is not unusual for some patients, feeling better after starting hormones, to believe they are cured and no longer need to continue the medication. Unfortunately what they experience is a quick return of their gender dysphoria. If there is any physical test to determine who should seriously consider partial or full transition, taking cross sex hormones is it." "In addition, to account for the periodic need to cross dress in certain males, I predict that eventually we will find that as testosterone levels rise above some threshold in the daily lives of these males (Ahokoski et al 1998), that the enzyme aromatase becomes active and temporarily converts testosterone into estradiol forcing a strong desire to dress and live, even if only temporarily, as a woman." "as counterintuitive as it may seem, it can only be assumed that testosterone plays a crucial role in forcing certain male individuals to crossdress and experience femininity to the maximum degree possibly."
So is testosterone the driving force behind transition for many? Perhaps testosterone only has to exist in very small quantities for it to act as a driver? For some the feminisation process may have been going on for years before the 'cloudiness of transition' sets in. For other only a few weeks of treatment is a enough to switch off the condition.
But the problem is what do we do to treat ourselves and maintain a quality of life? For those who come off hormones many are restarting again months or years later just to find some relief.
I myself have restarted a low dose regime of oestrogen. I simply could not stand it any longer and knew the only thing I could do to help myself was to take oestrogen. I am now far happier, my brain is settled and everything in my life seems to make sense. I am happy, but I know as I continue the problems of how I will be perceived to others will become apparent. I too just want to feel normal and oestrogen makes me feel normal regardless of gender. It feels as if I have no choice but to accept my feminisation, in order to be myself. Maybe I am transphobic myself and this is my problem?
So I would be interested to hear from others who are in the same boat as me. Have you come to a form of acceptance? Perhaps a partial transition even? Have you fully transitioned and now wonder what has driven you to transition in the first place? Did you experience all of the above, fully transition and are happy?
Tranisa presents another forced feminization classic.
Lara and her husband are having marriage problems so they decide to try and solve their problems by visiting a doctor. Lara's husband is rather sexist and has very old fashioned ideas about Lara's role in their marriage. He want her to be more submissive and 'to do as she is told'. The doctor has other ideas and decides that the problem is with Lara's husband not Lara. He is soon transformed into panties, stockings and a big pink sissy dress to make HIM more submissive. A great fun male to female transformation of a sexist husband into a sissy plaything for his wife.
Seduction The Cruel Woman (Verfuhrung: Die Grausame Frau) is a 1985 West German film directed by Elfi Mikesch and Monika Treut. The film stars Mechthild Großmann and Georgette Dee. Mechthild plays Wanda a dominatrix who runs a gallery in Hamburg. She lures and seduces men and women of all types into her S&M play world where audiences pay for the privilege of seeing her performing with her slaves, including her feminized Friederike.
Georgette Dee plays a fascinating but small part as Wanda's feminized secretary and slave Friederike. The film opens with Friederike in a male sailor costume, but after this opening scene we next see her happily typing away at the typewriter performing her secretary duties for Wanda. From this point on we only see her as a female.
Wanda in a thoughtful moment. Probably gets her best ideas in the bath? "How can I feminize Freiderike more?"
Georgette is featured in many scenes within the film but sadly her character is not fully explored. The main theme is the lesbian relationship Wanda has with her American female lover.
Friederike gets her reward
There is one scene where Friederike is rewarded for her services as a feminized slave by being given a tattoo which is part of a humiliation and public display S&M scene. I presume this is a reward for her devotion to her own feminisation at the hands of Wanda.
The film is very dark, dreamy, hypnotic, erotic and bizarre. The tag line quote on the film poster for the film was, "A stunner....This is S&M by Avedon, outfits by Dior". In fact there are some fantastic outfits and Mechthild does look stunning the the variety of outfits she wears. There are some great scenes for those with a shoe fetish too. The film looks good in stills but for me the assembly of the film needed a bit more gloss, as the film can seem a little boring to some, but not if your fetish is featured. Monica Treut wrote her PhD thesis about sadomasochism so she does know what she is talking about.
I originally saw the film at an art house cinema back in the early 1990s. I was mesmerised by the movie at the time. Seeing it years later on the small screen I was disappointed. I think the enjoyment came from the atmosphere within the cinema at the time, or perhaps it does not translate well to the small screen.
Georgette Dee, is trans herself, her roots seem to be from performing in subculture transvestite cabaret. Georgette was awarded the German award for 'Small Art' in 1994, known as Deutsche Kleinkunstpreis. I can't find out much information about Georgette as all the interesting text appears to be in German.
Friederike in an S&M moment
The DVD of the film is easily available from Amazon here.
A short while ago I wrote about the forced crossdressing movie Triple Echo, (read the entry here). At the time of writing there was no movie trailer available anywhere, but I did find a copy on Super 8 film of the original British trailer. Please bear in mind the quality is rather poor and the film had faded somewhat but I have done my best with it. It's a very good fun trailer I hope you like it. A Spanish DVD edition is available from Amazon here.
Male to Female Transformation. Triple Echo Film Trailer - YouTube
A Cross-dressing Love Story A young man deserting the army by cross-dressing and living as a woman, assuming a new identity, and being helped by the woman he loves. This is not the subject of a Fiction Mania transgender fantasy story but of a very well made little known British film from 1972. Based upon the book of the same title by H.E Bates.
'Soldier in Skirts' (AKA 'The Triple Echo' in UK) 1972 Directed by Michael Apsted, Starring Oliver Reed, Glenda Jackson and Brian Deacon.
Don't be fooled by the American title of this film, 'Soldier in Skirts', as this gives the impression that you're going to watch an English farce or the latest Carry On movie. This film is rather tense and for me it left a bad taste in my mouth due to the shocking and tragic ending. So this is no comedy, but shows what happens when reality and fantasy clash.
Set during WWII in a quiet English farmstead. Glenda Jackson plays Alice, who is running her farm single handed since her husband has become a prisoner of the Japanese. While Alice is roaming her farm she meets a young soldier, Barton, played by Brian Deacon. The two quickly become friends and then lovers. Barton decides to desert the army and takes refuse with Alice on her farm, in exchange for helping out on the farm.
The military, notice Barton's absence and soon start searching for him. Barton has to take extreme measures to avoid being caught and takes on the identity of Alice's sister. Barton is soon crossdressed and living s 'Jill'.
One day Alice and Jill receive a visit from two members of the military whilst trying to navigate the local fields in their tank. Oliver Reed plays the sergeant who soon becomes intrigued by the two sisters living on the farm. Oliver Reed's character is shown as a very masculine and macho male, such a contrast from the gentle male Barton, who now lives as Jill.
Christmas is approaching and there is a Christmas party being held in the village. And guess what the sergeant is on the lookout for a date. The sergeant asks 'Jill' to the Christmas dance, Alice tries her best to persuade Jill to make excuses and not go. However Jill is very niave, she has cabin fever being hidden on the farm all of the time and would like to have some fun. Jill really doesn't seem to understand the risks involved and accepts the invitation to the dance.
The dance sequence is done very well with Oliver Reed trying his best to get close to Jill. They dance check to cheek and even end up under the mistletoe together. Jill manages to avoid being kissed by sergeant but you can see his patience is being tested.
Well you can imagine what happens, Jill's disguise is soon unmasked and the military soon realise that Jill is the local deserter they have been looking for. A very angry Oliver Reed personally seeks out Deacon for arrest, but not before a public assault to appease the sergeants humiliation of being fooled by 'Jill'. I won't say how it ends that's for you to discover.
Have a look at the clip below for a taster of the film. The Spanish DVD edition is available from Amazon here
Hollywood does a forced feminisation movie? The Trailer is finally here for this new sexchange exploitation movie, which has been called transphobic. This film has been hanging around in limbo for a while now suffering quite a bit of controversy. The original title was Tom Boy, then it was (Re)Assignment and now it's been released as The Assignment.
The film centres on Frank/Tomboy Kitchen (Rodriguez), a contract killer who is seeking revenge after being involuntarily subjected to gender reassignment surgery by the sociopathic Dr. Rachel Kay (Weaver).
I have another previous blog posting about this film here which may interest you all.
Here is the trailer:
THE ASSIGNMENT Trailer [HD] - M.O. - YouTube
Are you affected by crossdressing? Do you have cross gender feelings that you find difficult to talk about? Why not try Cross Dream Life at http://crossdreamlife.lefora.com
Using Transsexual Characters in Film for Shock Value
I have often written about the poor use of transgender characters in film to either provoke or shock the audience. Here are two examples. Sleepaway Camp from 1983, when the mainstream media didn't know any better and also more recently with the 2012 transsexuals in prison film K11.
Sleepaway Camp (aka Nightmare Vacation)This review does contain spoilers, but you can still enjoy the movie (if you like such movies) whilst still knowing the twist. The clip here shows 'Angela' with her doctor mother whilst still a boy, informing young Peter of his new future as a feminized male who will be called Angela. We presume as she is a doctor the mother will be supplying hormones etc, although this is not part of the plot. We then see the unhappy boy now 'Angela' with her brother and mother before going off to summer camp. The clip also shows some bullying from one of her room mates about the use of the shower.
SAC - YouTube
The film was successful enough to spawn three sequels. After the first film Angela has her sexchange operation and is now even more psychotic than before. The suggestion that Angela is now more unstable is in poor taste but remember the media didn't know better at the time. Technically speaking this film is not about a transsexual but about an ordinary boy forced to live as a female to satisfy his mothers' desire for a daughter. So perhaps we should not get too critical of the theme. The recent ReAssignment movie is similar as it's just using the idea and methods of transsexuality and not a real based character. Is a person who becomes transsexual not subject to the same rights and respect as someone who is born transsexual?
The original poster shown on the left shows a large knife penetrating through a pair of shorts. I wonder if this is some castration complex being illustrated here?
Notice how the poster for Sleepaway Camp II shows a rather androgynous Angela, who is now post op, and presumed more dangerous than before. Her title has been upgraded to "The Angel of Death".
All of the Sleepaway Camp films are freely available to purchase from Amazon here and are also available on many streaming services.
The basic synopsis from the Amazon site is After a terrible boating accident killed her family, shy Angela Baker (Felissa Rose, Return To Sleepaway Camp) went to live with her eccentric Aunt Martha and her cousin Ricky. This summer, Martha decides to send them both to Camp Arawak, a place to enjoy the great outdoors. Shortly after their arrival, a series of bizarre and violent accidents begin to claim the lives of various campers. Has a dark secret returned from the camp’s past…or will an unspeakable horror end the Summer season for all?
"Oh God..Angela....She's a boy!!!"
K11 'Transsexuals Bare Behind Bars' (well almost!)
K11 was made in 2012 by Jules Mann-Stewart. The tag line for the movie reads, "There is a unit in the Los Angeles jail system that separates gay and transgender inmates from the general population. It's called K11." It's in this unit that many new rookies do at least four weeks duty, apparently most of them survive.
There are a number of trans characters featured in the story and we are told by one of the prison guards, "Don't get distracted by the females in here. There aren't any females in here". These trans ladies are hard, very hard, no one messes around with them. The transgender diva of the inmates actually calls herself The Queen / Mousey and enjoys establishing her position to any new inmate. She is played by Kate del Castillo, who in real life looks nothing like her frightening character Mousey.
Sadly the film only uses CIS actors to play the transgender inmates. I don't know why this was as in todays world there are plenty of very talented trans actors. However I wonder how many would be willing to appear in such a film. The film was not well received by critics and was awarded an 8% 'cotton' rating from Rotton Tomatoes.
K-11 Movie Trailer (2013) - YouTube
Kate del Castillo looks nothing like her Mousey character.
Despite the trailer promising a very nasty rough ride, I enjoyed this film and actually warmed to the Mousey character. She didn't seem that bad after all.
This film didn't seem to cause offence within the trans community despite the very negative image of trans people. Still it did show then as very tough and not to be messed with. I am comparing the recent 'Reassignment' controversy to this film, which as far as I know missed the trans activist radar.
From Amazon the synopsis reads:
Record producer Raymond Saxx, Jr. (Goran Visnjic), has never seen anything like this before. After a weekend of binge drinking and drug use, he wakes in a jail cell completely oblivious of what happened and how he got there; Ray is abruptly hauled off into a completely new brand of Hell Los Angeles County s controversial K-11 unit. Like Alice in a brutally violent Wonderland, Ray must learn to navigate the politics of vicious transvestites and drug-addicted criminals if he wants to see his perfect life again.
Complicating matters is a troubled young transgender named Butterfly (Portia Doubleday), a predatory child molester (Tommy Tiny Lister) and K-11 s drug-dealing gang headed by Mousey (Kate Del Castillo, Under the Same Moon, La Reina del Sur) and Ben (Jason Mewes). Even the so-called authority, Sheriff s Deputy Lt. Johnson (D.B. Sweeney), can t be trusted.