Lost in Transgender is a blog about Crossdressing, Autogynephilia, Transgender, Feminisation Transsexual Fantasy & Crossdreaming, Male to Female Transformation, TG Films & Videos and Forced Fem & Men Becoming Women
Once fully feminized would you find yourself in a cloudy position with regards to your transition? Would you no longer have the reference or understanding which drove you to transition in the first place?
Cheryl Sussex, author of this blog post
So what if you're transitioning and all of your feelings regarding transition are most sincere. You’re convinced it is the right thing for you to do. You’re getting positive feedback from the hormones you’re taking. Your brain is less cluttered, the obsession of crossdreaming is much reduced and you feel much happier as a person as a result. You’re now free to simply get on with your life. The desire to transition is still there pushing you harder and harder along the transition conveyor belt. Your sex drive is much reduced and you are much happier being less driven than before. You have perhaps achieved your goal, the quality of life is better, you feel yourself (what ever gender that is) for the first time in ages.
At this point there are a number of outcomes to this scenario, mainly dependant upon each individuals personality type, confidence and support network of friends and family.
1. You feel cured. So much so that you don’t understand what the whole transition business was all about in the first place. You stop taking hormones and decide that perhaps life as a male is not so bad after all. You’re OK for lets say two to three months and then the cross dreaming thoughts come along again. You hold out for as long as you can but you end up taking the oestrogen again just to have a clear head. This process may repeat itself over and over for many years. However after each cycle you have been pushed a little further along the transition conveyor belt.
2. You stay with the hormones. You like yourself now. Everything is great. The estrogen dose is maximised, you live full time and all is going well with your transition. You are doing the right thing. SRS may even be a strong consideration.
Lets pretend that these two outcomes could still eventually come to the same to the same conclusion that this person below experienced. A person who transitioned when young and has lived most of their adult life as female. The ‘AG’ in the text below refers to Autogynephila:
"Transitioning from male to female alleviated many of the symptoms of AG. In my mind, this is why many with AG find transition as the answer to their prayers... up to a point. They wish to be female sexually... transitioning lets them become what they need sexually... but ultimately the hormone which has pushed them into this corner (testosterone) becomes weakened... the very element pushing the need for femininization is cut off... and without this hormone, the need for transition becomes cloudy... the meaning of their entire sex life becomes cloudy... the reason for their feminization becomes uncertain... and they feel lost. "
This person recognised a strong cross dreaming element to the transition process from the beginning.
"I started transitioning from male-to-female in the late 90's. At the time I explained my concerns of being AG and transitioning to my therapist, but he didn't see it as problematic. It probably didn't hurt that I was small, attractive, and extremely passable. I think those aspects "qualified me" in their books... almost no matter what I said in session." " I transitioned and lived for almost a decade in the female role. It was great in many ways (I was "present" during sex with a partner instead of locked in my own fantasy world! I was seen as attractive and enjoyed the attention from both men and women. I felt a certain ease in the daily feminine role instead of trying and failing to measure up to the masculine.), but terrible in others (Expense of transition. SRS is final. Most TS's I know have severe lifelong issues -- even the ones who "pass" completely. As you age, the need for FFS and other surgeries becomes a reality if you want to stay on the feminine side of the tracks. Being a female can be frightening -- I was in two attempted rapes. I resented having to be tied to an endo and pills forever. I found that it was hard to have true girlfriends because they look at you differently than other women... even when they say they don't. Etc.)... and ultimately I de-transitioned."
"Now, years later I'm on hormones again. It took years for the AG to return, but when it did (I suspect when my T levels returned to normal pre-transition levels), I knew that I had to deal with this somehow... and forever..."
"I'm hoping that I can skirt the issue between genders... living work as male and everything else as female. I understand this is a very limited and difficult existance (and possibly not fulfilling), but I have no choice. No therapist has shown me a way to get rid of AG... and years of willpower and denial made me angry and almost suicidal, so..."
"My hope is that I can continue living a limited female role until I'm old enough that I no longer pass and/or my need to express myself sexually has diminished to where I no longer need to be a girl. Will that happen? I can't say... maybe... we'll see..."
"After I de-transitioned, it took my system many, many years to regulate hormones. For years I was asexual and had no AG. In fact, I thought I was cured. Then..."
"I noticed my forehead was getting greasy... I was getting more aggressive... I was having sex dreams again... and getting aroused. I knew my T level was rising after all those years dormant... and that's when the AG started to return. I was really horrified. As a child I'd prayed that God would release me of these thoughts. I thought he'd answered my prayers... but now learned differently."
"I wanted to run back to transition, but fought it -- I'd learned too much of the reality of transition to do it again, but with no cure for AG, how could I deal with it?"
"For me, I looked at what I needed most... to be seen as female on a casual social level and sexually... and this is where I hope to keep it. I choose not to have SRS and change my documentation (what a nightmare it was to change back last time!), but to come to terms with being an extremely feminine male (tg)."
"To this day I really wish there was a cure to this. More than female, I really just want to be "normal."
This experience seems to be more common that we think, with the crossdreaming condition. There are many that argue that the test for transgender transition is to take estrogen and see how you respond. The common thought is that the person with the Feminisation Fetich will soon come off hormones and be relived to return back to normal masculinity. But many have taken oestrogen in high does with T blockers over many years, transitioned and then found themselves in the position the person has described above.
Transgender forums are full of stories of people 'yo-yoing' back and forth between the two worlds. These people are not fantasists and are very real. Their feelings of gender dysphoria are very powerful and are driving them to take oestrogen's to feel like themselves.
Psychologist Anne Vitale has recognised that many transgender clients over the years, have experienced what she calls 'Testosterone Toxicity'. Briefly that testosterone is the driver for transition, and coupled with the aromatase into oestrogen makes things much worse for the transgender individual. The aromatase into oestrogen is the part of this subject that I simply don't understand. However you can read the report here which has some excellent case studies
Here is an extract:
"It is also known that the administration of cross sex hormones MUST be maintained to sustain the anxiolytic effect. It is not unusual for some patients, feeling better after starting hormones, to believe they are cured and no longer need to continue the medication. Unfortunately what they experience is a quick return of their gender dysphoria. If there is any physical test to determine who should seriously consider partial or full transition, taking cross sex hormones is it." "In addition, to account for the periodic need to cross dress in certain males, I predict that eventually we will find that as testosterone levels rise above some threshold in the daily lives of these males (Ahokoski et al 1998), that the enzyme aromatase becomes active and temporarily converts testosterone into estradiol forcing a strong desire to dress and live, even if only temporarily, as a woman." "as counterintuitive as it may seem, it can only be assumed that testosterone plays a crucial role in forcing certain male individuals to crossdress and experience femininity to the maximum degree possibly."
So is testosterone the driving force behind transition for many? Perhaps testosterone only has to exist in very small quantities for it to act as a driver? For some the feminisation process may have been going on for years before the 'cloudiness of transition' sets in. For other only a few weeks of treatment is a enough to switch off the condition.
But the problem is what do we do to treat ourselves and maintain a quality of life? For those who come off hormones many are restarting again months or years later just to find some relief.
I myself have restarted a low dose regime of oestrogen. I simply could not stand it any longer and knew the only thing I could do to help myself was to take oestrogen. I am now far happier, my brain is settled and everything in my life seems to make sense. I am happy, but I know as I continue the problems of how I will be perceived to others will become apparent. I too just want to feel normal and oestrogen makes me feel normal regardless of gender. It feels as if I have no choice but to accept my feminisation, in order to be myself. Maybe I am transphobic myself and this is my problem?
So I would be interested to hear from others who are in the same boat as me. Have you come to a form of acceptance? Perhaps a partial transition even? Have you fully transitioned and now wonder what has driven you to transition in the first place? Did you experience all of the above, fully transition and are happy?
Tranisa presents another forced feminization classic.
Lara and her husband are having marriage problems so they decide to try and solve their problems by visiting a doctor. Lara's husband is rather sexist and has very old fashioned ideas about Lara's role in their marriage. He want her to be more submissive and 'to do as she is told'. The doctor has other ideas and decides that the problem is with Lara's husband not Lara. He is soon transformed into panties, stockings and a big pink sissy dress to make HIM more submissive. A great fun male to female transformation of a sexist husband into a sissy plaything for his wife.
Seduction The Cruel Woman (Verfuhrung: Die Grausame Frau) is a 1985 West German film directed by Elfi Mikesch and Monika Treut. The film stars Mechthild Großmann and Georgette Dee. Mechthild plays Wanda a dominatrix who runs a gallery in Hamburg. She lures and seduces men and women of all types into her S&M play world where audiences pay for the privilege of seeing her performing with her slaves, including her feminized Friederike.
Georgette Dee plays a fascinating but small part as Wanda's feminized secretary and slave Friederike. The film opens with Friederike in a male sailor costume, but after this opening scene we next see her happily typing away at the typewriter performing her secretary duties for Wanda. From this point on we only see her as a female.
Wanda in a thoughtful moment. Probably gets her best ideas in the bath? "How can I feminize Freiderike more?"
Georgette is featured in many scenes within the film but sadly her character is not fully explored. The main theme is the lesbian relationship Wanda has with her American female lover.
Friederike gets her reward
There is one scene where Friederike is rewarded for her services as a feminized slave by being given a tattoo which is part of a humiliation and public display S&M scene. I presume this is a reward for her devotion to her own feminisation at the hands of Wanda.
The film is very dark, dreamy, hypnotic, erotic and bizarre. The tag line quote on the film poster for the film was, "A stunner....This is S&M by Avedon, outfits by Dior". In fact there are some fantastic outfits and Mechthild does look stunning the the variety of outfits she wears. There are some great scenes for those with a shoe fetish too. The film looks good in stills but for me the assembly of the film needed a bit more gloss, as the film can seem a little boring to some, but not if your fetish is featured. Monica Treut wrote her PhD thesis about sadomasochism so she does know what she is talking about.
I originally saw the film at an art house cinema back in the early 1990s. I was mesmerised by the movie at the time. Seeing it years later on the small screen I was disappointed. I think the enjoyment came from the atmosphere within the cinema at the time, or perhaps it does not translate well to the small screen.
Georgette Dee, is trans herself, her roots seem to be from performing in subculture transvestite cabaret. Georgette was awarded the German award for 'Small Art' in 1994, known as Deutsche Kleinkunstpreis. I can't find out much information about Georgette as all the interesting text appears to be in German.
Friederike in an S&M moment
The DVD of the film is easily available from Amazon here.
A short while ago I wrote about the forced crossdressing movie Triple Echo, (read the entry here). At the time of writing there was no movie trailer available anywhere, but I did find a copy on Super 8 film of the original British trailer. Please bear in mind the quality is rather poor and the film had faded somewhat but I have done my best with it. It's a very good fun trailer I hope you like it. A Spanish DVD edition is available from Amazon here.
Male to Female Transformation. Triple Echo Film Trailer - YouTube
The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things 2004 Co written and directed by Asia Argento, based upon the book of the same title by the female author JT LeRoy. Starring: Asia Argento, Peter Fonda, Wynona Ryder, Marilyn Manson and Jimmy Bennett. This is not a transgender movie but does feature a hugely controversial scene of male to female feminisation, by the mother of her young son. The photo (left) shows not a mother with her daughter but her son. This image alone caused many problems when the film was released on DVD in the UK. This artwork was originally used as the DVD cover, causing the distributers to pull the DVD back from distribution. A more generic cover which did not feature the feminized son was then used.
The film when initially released in 2005 the DVD was given an 18 certificate by the BBFC, today the same film presented as uncut only receives a 15 certificate by the BBFC. The films main theme is abuse, and the tattered relationship between mother and son.
The sequence where the mother feminizes her son appears to be the only time in the film when she shows him some form of genuine love. The boy feels acceptance and love from his mother by becoming a girl. This is very short lived as this then leeds to another disturbing sequence which I won't outline here.
On the whole this is not a nice film and is very depressing and harrowing to watch. There is no-one to admire in the film and the poor boy goes from one form of abuse to another. It's a well done movie but has received many negative reviews which I feel have been unjustified. A hard film to watch which leaves a bad taste in the mouth after watching, and one you don't forget in a hurry.
Here is the synopsis of the first half of the film from Wikipedia
"Sarah (Asia Argento) becomes involved with a series of men who treat her and Jeremiah (Jimmy Bennett) poorly, and she uses them as an excuse to abandon her son. She disappears to Atlantic City with her boyfriend, Emerson (Jeremy Renner), and then abandons him; Emerson returns to their home and rapes Jeremiah. After a trip to hospital, Jeremiah's grandmother (Ornella Muti) takes him to a West Virginian radical Christian cult led by his grandfather (Peter Fonda). After he has been three years with the cult, Sarah returns to reclaim the 11-year-old Jeremiah (Dylan and Cole Sprouse).
Sarah's current lover, Kenny (Matt Schulze), a truck driver, eventually abandons them at a truck stop while Sarah is soliciting. Sarah realizes that if she is going to keep her men she cannot say Jeremiah is her son. She persuades Jeremiah to cross dress so he can act as her "little sister", and Jeremiah's cross-dressing evolves to include his mother's seduction techniques. After dressing up as a "baby doll" version of Sarah, Jeremiah/Sarah seduces Jackson (Marilyn Manson), his mother's latest man, who initially tries to rebuff the boy's advances, but then gives in. Sarah is furious with Jackson for giving in to the boy's advances and with Jeremiah for ruining her panties, and she takes Jeremiah and leaves......"
The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things (HQ Trailer) - YouTube
The DVD is easily available within the UK with a 15 certificate, from Amazon and other retailers.
A Cross-dressing Love Story A young man deserting the army by cross-dressing and living as a woman, assuming a new identity, and being helped by the woman he loves. This is not the subject of a Fiction Mania transgender fantasy story but of a very well made little known British film from 1972. Based upon the book of the same title by H.E Bates.
'Soldier in Skirts' (AKA 'The Triple Echo' in UK) 1972 Directed by Michael Apsted, Starring Oliver Reed, Glenda Jackson and Brian Deacon.
Don't be fooled by the American title of this film, 'Soldier in Skirts', as this gives the impression that you're going to watch an English farce or the latest Carry On movie. This film is rather tense and for me it left a bad taste in my mouth due to the shocking and tragic ending. So this is no comedy, but shows what happens when reality and fantasy clash.
Set during WWII in a quiet English farmstead. Glenda Jackson plays Alice, who is running her farm single handed since her husband has become a prisoner of the Japanese. While Alice is roaming her farm she meets a young soldier, Barton, played by Brian Deacon. The two quickly become friends and then lovers. Barton decides to desert the army and takes refuse with Alice on her farm, in exchange for helping out on the farm.
The military, notice Barton's absence and soon start searching for him. Barton has to take extreme measures to avoid being caught and takes on the identity of Alice's sister. Barton is soon crossdressed and living s 'Jill'.
One day Alice and Jill receive a visit from two members of the military whilst trying to navigate the local fields in their tank. Oliver Reed plays the sergeant who soon becomes intrigued by the two sisters living on the farm. Oliver Reed's character is shown as a very masculine and macho male, such a contrast from the gentle male Barton, who now lives as Jill.
Christmas is approaching and there is a Christmas party being held in the village. And guess what the sergeant is on the lookout for a date. The sergeant asks 'Jill' to the Christmas dance, Alice tries her best to persuade Jill to make excuses and not go. However Jill is very niave, she has cabin fever being hidden on the farm all of the time and would like to have some fun. Jill really doesn't seem to understand the risks involved and accepts the invitation to the dance.
The dance sequence is done very well with Oliver Reed trying his best to get close to Jill. They dance check to cheek and even end up under the mistletoe together. Jill manages to avoid being kissed by sergeant but you can see his patience is being tested.
Well you can imagine what happens, Jill's disguise is soon unmasked and the military soon realise that Jill is the local deserter they have been looking for. A very angry Oliver Reed personally seeks out Deacon for arrest, but not before a public assault to appease the sergeants humiliation of being fooled by 'Jill'. I won't say how it ends that's for you to discover.
Have a look at the clip below for a taster of the film. The Spanish DVD edition is available from Amazon here
Transsexual Life in NYC 1980sIn 1990 I was 21 and at the point in my life where I had begun the long road of self discovery of what it means to be trans. It was also the year that Jennie Livingston released her cult documentary movie 'Paris is Burning.' I remember it being aired on BBC2 as part of their Arena documentary series. The Arena team made an introduction to the film stating that Madonna's hit single Vogue had taken it's roots from the culture existing within the underground gay night clubs of New York City.
The film chronicled the 'Ball Circuit', and the African-America, transgender, Latino and gay communities involved in it. An underworld where you could live out the fantasy of being what you were denied in real life due to poverty, race or your sexuality. Organised into gangs called 'Houses', taking their names and influence from the major fashion companies, and battling it out on the catwalk for prestige and the ultimate realness of their fantasy. For one night each member of a House could walk the walk and compete for trophies, being what ever you wanted for the night. This in itself formed part of the love and acceptance the contestants dreamed of.
This film had quite an impact upon me and I often thought about the many transgender characters involved within the film and where they are now. Sadly most of those who appeared have now passed on. One trans girl who I really took a shine to and would love to have met in real life was Venus Xtravaganza, from the House of Xtravaganza.
Venus stated in the movie, "I want to be a spoiled, rich, white girl living in the suburbs. They get what they want".
Born 22nd May 1965, as Thomas Pellagatti to an Italian-American and Pureto Rican family, Thomas adopted the name venus in her teens. Venus said that as she did not want to be an embarrassment to her family she decided to find another life and joined the House of Xtravaganza in 1983, when she also adopted the surname of her House.
Venus was trapped in poverty having moved away from home at such a young age and I would imagine the Ball Circuit provided her a way of escaping her trappings. She worked as an escort but was warned by her friends that she took too many risks and was far too trusting of people. As you follow her within the movie you're shocked to learn that before the filming had finished the young Venus met a very grizzly death. She was found strangled under a hotel bed in a New York hotel room. Her killer was never found. She was only 23 years old.
RIP Venus, I would have loved to have known you.
Having recently revisited the film I wonder how, if at all, things have changed for trans people since the 1980s. I would like to think things have changed for the better. However today, there does seem to be a new dark uprising on the horizon pushing transphobia through the media. We must do all we can to ensure that Transphobia is not used to push or be part of any political agenda.
The video below shows many of the sequences of Paris is Burning which feature Venus. The full film is easily available and is even on Netflix. Enjoy.
Paris Is Burning - Venus Xtravaganza - YouTube
From Wikipedia : 'The film depicts people with different gender identities or communities and their different forms of expression. It also explores how its subjects dealt with the adversity of racism, homophobia, AIDS and poverty. For example, some, like Venus Xtravaganza became sex workers, some shoplift clothing, and some were thrown out of their homes by homophobic parents. One participant was saving money for sex reassignment surgery. According to Livingston, the documentary is a multi-leveled exploration of a subculture in African American and Latino cultures that proves to be a microcosm of society, which was an underappreciated and arguably underground world that many Americans were unfamiliar with. Through candid one-on-one interviews the film offers insight into the lives and struggles of its subjects and the strength, pride, and humor they maintain to survive in a "rich, white world." ' Read More
Here is the trailer for the full Paris is Burning documentary.
PARIS IS BURNING Trailer - YouTube
Are you affected by crossdressing? Do you have cross gender feelings that you find difficult to talk about? Why not try Cross Dream Life at http://crossdreamlife.lefora.com
Hollywood does a forced feminisation movie? The Trailer is finally here for this new sexchange exploitation movie, which has been called transphobic. This film has been hanging around in limbo for a while now suffering quite a bit of controversy. The original title was Tom Boy, then it was (Re)Assignment and now it's been released as The Assignment.
The film centres on Frank/Tomboy Kitchen (Rodriguez), a contract killer who is seeking revenge after being involuntarily subjected to gender reassignment surgery by the sociopathic Dr. Rachel Kay (Weaver).
I have another previous blog posting about this film here which may interest you all.
Here is the trailer:
THE ASSIGNMENT Trailer [HD] - M.O. - YouTube
Are you affected by crossdressing? Do you have cross gender feelings that you find difficult to talk about? Why not try Cross Dream Life at http://crossdreamlife.lefora.com
Here are a couple of fun forced fem films available to watch here:
The Feminisation Clinic: Karina Currie in The Feminization Clinic. Part of our You Will Dress range of titles- Your wife has imprisoned you in a institution and your care has been assigned to the sexy but cruel Doctor Currie who explains that you are now fully under her care and that you have no choice but to submit to full feminisation and castration, the speciality of her clinic. You WILL be a woman!
Nurse : Young Dr Lepton is forced to dress as a female nures by the other female nurses. Elderly Mr Baker refuses to have any male doctors examining him. The private hospital needs his business so the ward matrom forces Dr Lepton the consultant to dress as a female nurse to examine him. Another quality Tranisa production filmed in two sets with multiple cameras.Staring Jessica Pressley, Paige Turnah, Lara Latex, Tiff, T & Frank. English language
Karina Curry is the cruel feminisation doctor ready to transform and feminize you.
The pretty nurses have got to grips with the feminisation of their junior doctor.