Let Your Dreams Begin | Life Coaching Blog for Women
Mitzi Bockmann is a highly skilled certified life coach who works with women to reclaim the life of their dreams. Certified Life Coach Mitzi Bockmann reveals her wisdom for a fuller life. Discover how you can start feeling invigorated by your life again!
So, it’s very important that, when boundaries have been crossed, it is dealt with right away.
How? Let me help.
#1 – Acknowledgement.
When boundaries have been crossed in marriage, it is essential that both parties acknowledge that the boundaries have been crossed. Unless there is agreement that the boundaries have been violated there is no way to begin the healing process.
A client’s husband had violated their ‘no mid-week drinking’ boundary. They had both realized that when they drank wine after work their parenting skills around bedtime suffered. So, they agreed to abstain. When her husband came home one night smelling of beer, she was very upset because they had an agreement and he had broken it.
Her husband pushed back at first, justifying his behavior, but then he acknowledged that he had violated their agreement. With that mutual understanding, their healing could begin.
#2 – Conversation.
An essential part of healing when boundaries are crossed in marriage is conversation.
I believe that conversation is essential to any healthy relationship and when boundaries have been crossed especially so.
For my client and her husband, it was very important that they revisit why they had set the boundary in the first place, why he had crossed the boundary and what next steps they should take around the boundary.
They agreed that the boundary had been set in place for the sake of their children. He explained that he drank because he had a work dinner and he wanted to make his client feel comfortable but knew that he had crossed their established boundary nonetheless. She expressed her disappointment in the fact that he hadn’t kept his word and that he had been a little bit out of it during the kids bedtime routine.
Each of them were able to speak their piece, know they had been heard, and get ready to take steps for figuring out resolution.
So, a key part of surviving boundaries being crossed in marriage is talking about it! Without conversation, moving forward is impossible.
#3 – Resolution.
Once my client and her husband had spoken their piece, they set out to figure out what they should do about the existing boundary. Did they feel like it was a boundary they should maintain or one that needed reconsideration? They wanted to make sure that both of them felt comfortable with the boundary because they knew that a healthy marriage was based on mutually agreed upon boundaries.
After some discussion, they agreed that the boundary was important and that it should stay in place and that, if another work dinner arose, they would address that situation when it came.
It is important, when trying to figure how to fix things when boundaries are crossed in marriage, to work together to identify what can be done to come to terms with what was done and to make a plan for moving forward.
#4 – Benchmarks.
After conversation and resolution, the next step to managing boundaries is by setting benchmarks.
Benchmarks are a point of reference against which other things are compared. Setting benchmarks is an important part of moving forward.
For my clients, their benchmark was how effective the no mid-week drinking boundary was. They defined what they wanted to achieve by setting this boundary (a more peaceful dinner and bedtime routine). When that boundary was violated, they looked carefully at what kind of effect the violation had on their family. They realized that it did make things more difficult and they agreed to pay attention going forward to how to make bed time better.
If you have set boundaries and they have been crossed, going forward focus on why that benchmark was set and whether it’s important to have in place going forward. You don’t want a boundary in place that is impossible to achieve and which might cause more problems in your relationship.
#5 – Support.
When boundaries are crossed in marriage, significant strain can result. Relationships are tested because trust is violated. If the boundaries are crossed over and over, things can really turn bad.
If boundaries have been crossed in your marriage and it is creating stress that you can’t resolve, seek professional help. It is important that trust is maintained in any relationship and a therapist or life coach can help you manage it.
Addressing issues in a relationship head on is important so, if you can’t resolve the feelings that arise when boundaries are crossed, seek help immediately and keep things from getting worse.
When boundaries are crossed in marriage, significant damage can occur.
It is important that the issue is addressed immediately, that both parties acknowledge what is going on, that the issue is talked about, that a resolution is made and benchmarks set and that, if you can’t resolve the issues, you seek professional help.
Keeping your relationship healthy is important to it’s longevity so work hard to get past issues that arise decisively and move forward. Together.
Do you want to know more about what to do when boundaries are crossed in marriage Let me help you, NOW, before its too late! Email me at email@example.com and let’s get started!
Are you wondering how to end a relationship without regret?
Are you mostly sure that the person you are with is not the person for you?
Are you desperate to figure out whether you are doing the right thing?
Are you fully aware that if you don’t do this right you could leave your person devastated?
Ending a relationship without regret is fully possible and how, in an ideal world, every relationship would end.
So, how do you end a relationship and walk away with your head held high?
#1 – Make sure that you give it your best shot.
It’s very important, when you want to end a relationship without regret, is to make sure that you do everything in your power to make it work.
Many people walk away from relationships without really doing the honest work. They leave because their guy doesn’t understand their feelings or their girl won’t let them go out with the guys on the weekends.
In the words of Arianna Grande, “Thank you, next’
But what if there is a hidden gem under that surface issue that you don’t see because you just up and walk away from a relationship. What if your guy doesn’t understand your feelings but he loves you madly and would love to figure out how to do it but he needs you to show him.
My boyfriend once said to me, in the face of my sadness, “I don’t know what to do!!!” And he didn’t. He had a better idea once I showed him.
So, make sure you aren’t breaking up with someone because of some surface sentiment. Do the work, dig deep, talk to your person about the things that are frustrating you and see if you can fix them so you can continue moving forward together.
Wouldn’t you hate to see your person with someone else, being the person that you wanted them to be but never asked?
#2 – Do it for the right reasons.
Make sure, when you are thinking about how to end a relationship without regret, that you are doing it for the right reasons. If you are ending your relationship because there is someone else, DON’T. The grass isn’t always greener, no matter how amazing it looks right now.
If you are ending your relationship because your friends or family tell you that you should, DON’T. This is your relationship and you need to figure out if this is the person for you.
If you are ending your relationship because your person doesn’t make enough money or isn’t hot enough or listens to weird music, DON’T. Just because someone doesn’t fit society’s ideal of the perfect person, that doesn’t mean they might not be the perfect person for you.
Make sure that you are ending your relationship for the right reasons, that you have given it thought and know that this person is not the right person for you. If you don’t, you might always regret it!
#3 – Don’t be a ghost.
If you want to end a relationship and feel good about it, don’t disappear.
Ghosting seems to be the thing these days – men and women disappearing without a word to their partner. Whether it be because they are scared to face someone or they are too lazy to deal or they are just too busy, people just vanish, never to be heard from again.
And, while this might feel good in the moment, I can promise you that some day you will regret it.
You will regret treating someone with so little respect, knowing that you have hurt them deeply and that you could have done things differently.
Once you ghost someone, you can’t take it back. You will always be the person who did that.
So, if you are considering ghosting your person, don’t. I can promise you that you will regret it, big time, some day.
#4 – Allow them to speak their piece.
When you are breaking up with someone it is important for them to be able to have a conversation with you about your decision to end the relationship.
People like to process break ups and whether the relationship ending abruptly or died a slow death, it is important that each of you get the opportunity to talk about it with the other.
I am not saying that it needs to be hashed out over and over and over but giving each other the chance to say what needs to be said is a very important piece of ending a relationship without regret.
#5 – Do unto others.
If you are still wondering how to end a relationship without regret, here is the gold standard for doing so.
The very best way to end a relationship without regret is by treating your person the way you would want to be treated.
That is not to say that if you aren’t the kind of person who doesn’t want to process a break up verbally you don’t let your partner do that. More what I mean is that I am sure that, if the shoe was on the other foot, you would want to be treated with kindness and respect. You wouldn’t want your person to disappear or talk about you behind your back. You would like to speak your piece and move on.
So, think carefully about how you would feel if someone was breaking up with you and how you would to be treated in the process.
Thinking about how to end a relationship without regret ahead of time is an excellent way to ensure that your relationship ends well.
Having regret about the end of a relationship is something that you will have to live with forever. And I can promise you, from first-hand experience, you don’t want that.
So, make sure that you don’t give up too quickly, that you don’t disappear, that you are doing it for the right reasons and that you allow them to say what they need to say.
If you do these things, you will be able to move forward with a clear conscience and find the love of your life.
Good luck! You can do it!
Do you want to know more about how to end a relationship without regret? Let me help you, NOW, before some gets hurt! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let’s get started!
Are you wondering what signs of depression look like? Are you feeling not yourself and wondering if you are depressed?
Below a list of 7 warning signs of depression that are important for you to know right now! The earlier you diagnose depression, the easier it is to treat.
#1 – Hopelessness.
Are you struggling with feelings of hopelessness? When you think about the future are you filled with dread because your future looks so bleak?
When we are depressed, looking to the future in a positive way is literally impossible. When we are depressed it’s hard to imagine that we will ever feel any differently than we do right now so the idea that the future might be bright is impossible to imagine.
It’s important that we recognize that hopelessness is one of the signs of depression because hopelessness is one of most insidious signs of depression because it can lead to thoughts of suicide.
So, understand that your hopelessness is in your head because of your depression and that seeking help is the best thing you can do to manage it.
#2 – Changes in sleeping patterns.
Are you having trouble sleeping? Are you sleeping way more than you used to?
Changes in sleeping patterns is one of the major signs of depression. We sleep less because we often lie awake with thoughts of hopelessness and dread keeping us up.
On the other hand, we sleep more because our body feels heavy and our mind is tired and sleep is the ultimate escape, if only for a bit.
If your sleep patterns have changed, recognize that it is one of the signs of depression and seek treatment.
#3 – Lack of interest.
Are the things that have always made you happy things that you now find unthinkable to do?
I know when I get depressed doing things that I have always loved to do, like hiking or reading or life coaching, are almost impossible. Instead, I lay around and watch TV and shut myself off from the things that make me happy.
And lying around watching TV actually sinks me into a deeper depression then I had before. Ironic, no?
So, if you are struggling to do the things that you love, you might be suffering from depression and it’s time to seek help.
#4 – Listlessness.
One of the easiest signs of depression to notice is a distinct listlessness.
Do you have less energy than you used to? Does getting off the couch or out of bed seem simply impossible?
I always say that my depression is a 100lb gorilla on my back, one who comes along with me doing my everyday day tasks but who makes doing them way more difficult because of it’s weight
So, if you are struggling more than before with having the energy to live your life, you might be depressed and, again, seeking help would be a good idea.
#5 – Anger & impatience.
Do you find yourself quick to anger or impatient with those you love more than you used to?
Are your co-workers complaining because you are difficult to work with? Is your husband staying away because your irritation with him has grown? Do you find the kid’s bedtime routine can enrage you in a way that it hasn’t before?
Being more angry and impatient than usual can be one of the signs of depression and seeking help will be important before that anger harms your life and your relationships.
#6 – Isolating.
One of major signs of depression is that tendency to isolate.
When we are depressed, the idea of spending time with other people is almost unbearable. The thought of interacting with people in any way fills us with such a feeling of hopelessness and dread that we just can’t do it.
Ironically, one of the best coping skills for managing depression is to spend time with those you love, to laugh and live and push that depression to the side, if only for a while.
Are you finding yourself wanting to keep away from others more than usual? If you do, you could be depressed and I encourage you to get help before your isolation makes everything worse.
#7 – Self-loathing.
One of the biggest signs of depression but one of the hardest to spot is self-loathing.
People who are depressed, people who are hopeless, listless, angry and isolated, are people who don’t like themselves.
They don’t like the behaviors they are displaying, the hurt they are causing people, the lack of interest in things that make them happy. They feel bad because getting up off the coach is truly impossible and what a loser they must be.
Furthermore, because there is such a stigma around depression, people who are depressed blame themselves for their mind set. They believe it when people tell them to Suck it up or Snap out of it.
They believe that, because they can’t manage their mood, they are in fact a loser.
And believing that you are a loser will only exacerbates your depression.
So, if you are struggling with your self-esteem right now, in a way that you haven’t before, then you could very well be depressed.
I want you to know, very clearly, that this depression is NOT your fault. It is something that has happened because of a chemical change or a life occurrence. It’s not something that you can just brush off. But it is something that you can deal with by seeking help.
So, do it!
Noticing the signs of depression is a key part of accepting that you might be depressed.
An important part of managing your depression is accepting it and you can more easily do that by looking out for the signs.
So, notice if you are feeling hopeless, have a change in your sleeping patterns, if you have no energy or interest in doing things, if you are quick to anger and you if really don’t like yourself.
The quicker that you seek treatment, the easier your depression will be to manage.
I struggled my whole life with depression but wasn’t diagnosed until I was 42. Think of all of the life that I wasted being sad. Don’t let that be you!
Do you want to know more about how to recognize depression? Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late! Email me at email@example.com and let’s get started!
Love in the movies is full of roses and sunshine but, for some reason, in real life it’s different.
Being in love means being in pain. Maybe not all of the time but certainly some of the time.
Many people are in pain because they are actually being physically or psychically abused by their partner. We aren’t going to talk about that today. We are going to talk about why every day, regular, loving relationships can be painful.
The answers might surprise you!
#1 – The uncertainty about the future.
When you are wondering why does love hurt one of the biggest reasons is because of the uncertainty of it all.
Love is wonderful and when we are falling in it we feel so wonderful and secure. And happy. And we get accustomed, in a way, to that security and comfort and we don’t want it to go away.
Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in love. We know that from experience. And our hearts are so scared that this relationship will turn out like others and will cause us pain. Again.
So, it’s the not knowing the future of our relationship – how it will turn out – that causes us physical pain. The anxiety can cause stomach pain, heart ache that feels real, head fog and other physical symptoms. Symptoms that cause us literal and figurative pain.
Try to manage your worries about the future. No one knows what will happen and worrying about it will only take away from the happiness that you are feeling right now.
#2 – The expectations of what could be.
Unfortunately, it’s that darn future that causes love to hurt in a relationship.
For many of us, living in the moment is very difficult. Instead of enjoying where we are right now, we project ahead to the future. Even if you are secure in your relationship, wondering what is next can cause physical and psychic pain.
It’s those questions that you run over and over in your head that do it. When will I see him again? What will we do, if anything, this weekend? When can we move in together? When will she introduce me to her friends?
Again, worrying about the future, even in a secure, committed relationship, can cause pain. The symptoms can be similar to those described above. You might also find yourself feeling needy and clingy, neither of which are very fun for your partner.
So, if this is you, worrying about the future constantly, try to let it go and focus on right now.
#3 – The chemical crash.
Another reason that love is so painful is because of our body’s chemistry.
Dopamine, serotine, oxytocin and endorphins are all stimulated when we are experiencing love and lust. Those chemicals feels SO good that they are, in a way, addictive. Because our bodies only produce them at certain times, like when we are falling in love or after we exercise, when we don’t have them we crave them.
You know how, when after a lovely weekend together, you separate and the feeling is intensely painful? That is because your body is literally going into withdrawal of those chemicals that make you feel so good. And you won’t feel them again until you have some contact with your person.
This withdrawal is extremely painful and we will do just about anything to ease the pain. This need leads to anxiety about when we will see them again and the suffering is intensified.
If they are struggling with withdrawal pain, I encourage my clients to exercise. Dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins are generated by exercise and you can, at least temporarily, get those chemicals coursing through your blood again and alleviate that pain.
#4 – The baggage we bring.
Yes, we have all been in and out of love over the course of our lifetime and, for many of us, the memories of what caused previous heartbreak is real and still present in our mind. As a result, we bring the baggage from past relationships into our new ones and that can cause pain.
I know that I have had a number of boyfriends who have let me down. They made me promises, big promises, and then didn’t follow through with them, leaving me heartbroken.
As a result, when I am in a new relationship, I am constantly on the lookout for being let down. Sometimes it’s so bad that I set up my new guy to let me down, just to see what he will do.
This baggage, baggage that comes from past relationships, can cause us a lot of pain in our new ones. And that is dangerous because we don’t want that baggage to interfere with the new one’s success.
If you are carrying pain from past relationships, try to let it go and not project it onto your new partner. It’s not his fault that another guy messed up so don’t make him pay for it!
#5 – The letdown.
You know when you are falling in love and you are so excited that you finally met a person who had their shit together and knew how to treat you. Years and years of searching and FINALLY you hit paydirt!
Or did you?
When we are falling in love, all we know is that our person is perfect. But then, as time goes on, our person reveals more of who he is and we learn that maybe he isn’t exactly who we thought he was.
I am not saying that your perfect guy turned out to be a narcissistic sociopath (although that does happen) but your perfect guy does turn out to be imperfect.
Perhaps the guy who always used to hold the door for you sometimes doesn’t. Or perhaps he has revealed himself to be a bit of a slob. Perhaps he spends more time at work then he used to or he plays a few more video games then you might like.
When the person we thought was perfect turns out not to be, there can be a huge letdown. It’s not that they aren’t perfect enough to keep around but sometimes the awakening can be a rude one. And a painful one.
So, what do you do when the letdown causes you pain? You take stock of the good things about your person (like the fact that he isn’t a narcissitic sociopath) and, if necessary, address the things that might not be so perfect. If you know that the video games are going to be an issue, either talk to him about how you feel about them or choose to accept them as part of your life.
Either way, don’t let the fact that your person isn’t the perfect person you thought he was get in the way of your happiness. You probably aren’t quite the person he thought you were either and still he stays.
Why does love hurt? Why can’t life be easy and full of joy?
On some level, these are existential questions but there also some concrete reasons why.
Fortunately, the pain doesn’t need to mark the end of a relationship. Take stock of the things that are causing you pain and take steps to address them.
Are you feeling uncertain about your future? Do you wonder about expectations? Do you struggle with the chemical crash or the weight of the baggage that you bring? Do you wonder if this imperfect person is the one for you?
Address these things one at a time and the pain that you feel in your relationship can be managed and reduced.
Love can be wonderful and love can be painful. Make sure that the balance of the two is equal and you can live happily ever after!
You can do it!
Do you want to know more about how to deal with pain in a relationship? Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let’s get started!
I truly believe that one of the best ways to successfully get out of a toxic relationship is with support from others who have shared in the same experience.
To that end, I have gathered 25 toxic relationship quotes to give you the inspiration and support that you need to get yourself out of a relationship that is sucking you dry and to give you the inspiration to live a full life.
The quotes are from celebrities and authors, sages and unknowns. All of them spoke to me and I am sure will speak to you too.
Dear Self: Stop re-opening your doors for toxic people…then calling it “seeking closure.” Certain things don’t work out in life… and that’s ok. – Reyna Biddy
You can’t fight for a place in someone’s life because no matter how hard you try to keep your place…they’ll put you where they want to even if it’s not where you should be. – Anon
Sometimes it’s better to end something & try to start something new than imprison yourself in hoping for the impossible. – Karen Salmansohn
Thank you. Next. – Ariana Grande
You survived the abuse. You’re going to survive the recovery. – Anon
When it comes to abuse, you believe there’s no way out. There is always help. There is always a way out. – Rev. Donna Mulvey
Please don’t settle for temporary pleasures. You’re worth more than a late-night text and an uncommitted soul. – Unknown
Strong women get tired, strong women feel broken, strong women eventually get fed up, strong women will eventually walk away for good. – r.h. sin
When a strong woman finally gives up it’s not because she is weak or because she no longer loves her man. To put it in the simplest terms – she is just tired. She is tired of the games, she is tired of the sleepless nights, she is tired of feeling like she is all alone and its only one thing. She is tired. – Anon
One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered. – Michael J. Fox
I hope you fall in love with someone who always texts you back and who never lets you fall asleep thinking you are unwanted. – Unknown
Some people won’t love you no matter what you do. Some people won’t stop loving you no matter what you do. Go where the love is. – Karen Salmansohn
Sometimes a man’s purpose in a woman’s life is to help her become a better woman…for another man. – Anon
If he’s not doing anything to keep you then why are you trying so hard to stay? Taylor Swift
Cheer up sweet, beautiful girl. You are going to be in love again and it’s going to be magnificent. – Anon
If you are brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello. – Paulo Coelho
Just because your past didn’t turn out like you wanted it to doesn’t mean your future can’t be better then you have ever imagined. – Unknown
Love is the strongest and most fragile thing we have in life. Nothing is ever for sure, but when something in love doesn’t work from the beginning, it’s never going to work. Don’t push it. – Vanessa Paradis
You deserve to be with someone who looks at you every day like they have won the lottery and they have the whole world in front of them. – Anon
My life basically blew up in my face. And now I’m in this new life, and it’s pretty awesome I have to say — I’m so inspired. Everything just feels new. – Gwen Stefani
You need to keep on moving, darling, or you will miss the train to a better life than this. – Unknown
Pour yourself a drink, put some lipstick on and pull yourself together. – Liz Taylor
The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends. – Gwyneth Paltrow
You are one decision away from a totally different life. – Unknown
You will find love again, and it will be even more beautiful! In the meantime enjoy all that YOU are! – Rihanna
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together – Marilyn Monroe
Last week, a very dear friend of mine killed himself. We went to high school together and reconnected 20 years later when our kids played soccer together. His wife is one of my closest friends and, while I knew he struggled with addiction, I never truly understood how deep his depression was.
I have lived with depression all my life. I always say that it’s like a 100 lb gorilla on my back, one that I carry with me no matter what I am doing. It has been my constant companion, one that I have, with the help of therapy and meds, been able to keep at bay.
That being said, in the week since my friend died, my depression has decided to take charge in a big way and for the first time I understand what suicide contagion, or a suicide cluster, really is.
Suicide contagion is defined as ‘multiple suicidal behaviors or suicides that fall within an accelerated time frame, and sometimes within a defined geographical area.’
Generally, they occur with adolescents but not always. Recently, the father of a Sandy Hook victim killed himself shortly after a Parkland survivor did the same.
So, no one is immune to it, I have heard, but I certainly assumed I was.
For as far back as I can remember I have been depressed. I have carried with me a feeling of hopelessness and dread that was overwhelming. The prospect of going to school or making friends or doing my homework filled me with such a sense of hopelessness that I used to obsess about no longer existing. I didn’t want to kill myself but I also didn’t want to live.
I had no idea that I was different from other people so I certainly never talked about it. I just went about living my life, suffering almost every minute.
I carried my hopelessness into high school and college, where I discovered boys, alcohol and drugs as a great way to ease that sense of dread. By 24, I was full blown alcoholic, a high functioning one, but one whose every day was exhausting because of what I carried with me.
When I had my kids, I stopped drinking and doing drugs but replaced that urge with being perfect – the perfect wife, mother and employee. I worked very hard to be perfect so that I could numb the pain that was my life.
And then one day, I couldn’t fight it anymore and I found myself in a closet, banging my head against a wall.
The next day I was diagnosed with BiPolar II – a chemical disorder of my brain that leads to long term depression with little bleeps of hypomania (think about how you feel after that 3rdcup of coffee).
Since then, because of medication and therapy, I have been stable. My depression isn’t as debilitating as it was but I do still live with it every day.
Since my friend died, my depression has reared its ugly head. I have been having a hard time functioning, forming thoughts and getting them out of my mouth has been almost impossible and having hope for the future is challenging.
I think about my friend and how he has finally been freed from the 100lb gorilla he carried on his back for so long. And I wonder if he has found peace. I wonder if whatever is next is better than what is now. I know his life was horrible for him because not only was he depressed but he also struggled with addiction. It was horrible enough that he was willing to leave behind his wife and kids and everyone who loved him.
Where and how is he now? I wonder almost every minute of every day. And wanting to know is almost irresistible.
So, why am I still here, writing this blog instead of going down that rabbit hole with him?
For me, what I see more than anything is the wreckage that he has left behind. My amazing friend, who I know loved her husband madly even in the face of his struggles, is devastated. I can’t even image what it was like telling her boys and how they are feeling in the world right now.
All of us who loved him miss him terribly and always will.
As my kids and I process this grief together, I know that, no matter what kind of peace might wait for me somewhere else, worse for me would be knowing that I was responsible for the 100lb gorilla I would probably be leaving for my kids and my friends and my amazing boyfriend. This depression that has been my constant companion might seek out another person and most likely would choose one of the people I love.
And that’s not ok.
I have no judgement for my friend, only empathy and love. And I will survive this struggle that I have with my presently powerful depression.
But now I know and understand why suicide contagion happens and I also understand why I won’t catch it. And I will make it my life’s work to make sure that others understand it and don’t succumb to it themselves.
Life is incredibly hard for those of us who live with depression. You might even know that personally. But for me, I would rather carry that gorilla, every day, and be able to protect my kids from its weight, then slip away into the oblivion that might be peace.
Are you worrying about how to get someone to like you but don’t want to devalue yourself? Perhaps you have a certain someone in mind or perhaps you are just worried in general, that someday you might meet someone and you won’t know what to do?
Getting someone to like you, without losing yourself, is actually easier than you think and something that you can manage once you know the keys.
What are they?
#1 – Like yourself.
How can you expect someone to like you if you don’t like yourself?
The key to how to get someone to like you is to make sure that you are happy with who you are in the world. That you have done your work and are comfortable with yourself.
People who are damaged and unhappy tend to attract people who are also damaged and unhappy. Likewise, happy and confident people tend to attract happy and confident people.
So, have you done your work?
Are you happy with your career, your relationship with friends and family and your mental and physical health?
If any of things can use some improvement, I encourage you to get on them right away. Working on yourself is an excellent way to become happy and confident.
Fortunately, you don’t need to be all fixed before working to get someone to like you. If you have awareness about your issues and are actively working on them, it will show and you will attract someone who is also self-aware and evolving.
#2 – Be yourself always.
One of the biggest challenges in new relationships is that, because we want someone to like us, we aren’t always our true selves.
Instead, we put forward the best version of ourselves or even act like someone totally different. Our person falls for that person, not who we really are.
People who aren’t themselves in relationships are doomed to failure. Eventually our true selves come out and, when they do, they can scare your person away.
I can’t tell you how many of my clients who are going through a break-up say I wish things could go back to the way they were at the beginning. They can’t. And part of that is because at least one person wasn’t being themselves but instead being who they wanted to be.
And that, once gone, can never come back.
#3 – Be the best you.
We all have parts of ourselves that we really like and are proud of.
For me, I know that I am a really good question-asker. So, when I am getting to know someone, I ask a lot of questions. People like it when other people ask them questions so it often works well to get them to like me.
What is the best part of you? The part you like most. Have that part of you on display when you are working on getting someone to like you.
#4 – Don’t be a follower.
When you are wondering how to get someone to like you, one of the most important things to know is that it’s essential that you not be a follower.
What do I mean? I mean that it’s key that you don’t let your person call all of the shots in the relationship.
Relationships are meant be even. Sometimes you make the decision, sometimes he does. You are aware of each other’s wishes and desires and sometimes accommodate them but never do you let them walk all over you to get what they want.
People who are doormats for other people are not attractive. Perhaps you are worried that, if you speak up for what you want, your person might be mad at you or leave you but DON’T. If your person isn’t willing to at least discuss your thoughts then they aren’t the person for you.
Imagine spending the rest of your life doing what you partner wanted to do and never having your own wishes accommodated. How much would that suck?
So, speak up. Be flexible but speak up!
#5 – Use your words, but not too many.
A key part of any relationship success is communication. The most important part and often times the hardest!
I encourage everyone who is wondering how to get someone to like them is to practice communication. Communicating about who you are authentically, what you want in a relationship. What is important in your life.
Share with your prospective partner and have them share with you. Understand each other so that you can decide if you want to move forward together.
It’s also important that you not share too much. Of course, you want your guy to know you but oversharing can be off-putting, especially for men.
Let your guy get to know you slowly. Keep the mystery going and you will pull him in in a way that he won’t ever want to leave.
#6 – Don’t make it something it isn’t.
When you are wondering how to get someone to like you there is one piece of advice that should stand above the rest – don’t try to fit a square peg into a round hole.
For many of us, when we first meet someone and are attracted to them, we become fixated on them liking us. We will do whatever we can do to attract and keep their attention.
What many of us ignore, however, is when a red flag gets raised that this person is not the one for us. Or that, no matter how hard we try, we can’t succeed in our efforts and they keep turning away.
If someone you like is turning away from you or is obviously not a good fit, stop your efforts immediately. You don’t want to waste any more time on someone who isn’t the person for you. And, the more time that you spend trying to get someone to like you, the harder it will be for you to let go!
So, as you go about your efforts to get someone to like you, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons and that your efforts haven’t already failed.
In life and in love, knowing how to get someone to like you without devaluing yourself is very, very important.
The only person you truly have in the world is you and you don’t want to let yourself down by becoming less of yourself in the pursuit of love.
So, make an effort to like yourself first, be you and only you, present your best self, communicate openly, taking the lead sometimes and don’t make something out of nothing.
Have you been poking around the internet because you have been feeling SO SAD and are you wondering if you have reactive depression?
Reactive depression is a relative newcomer in the spectrum of mood disorder. Reactive depression is a type of depression brought on from a specific situation that has occurred in your life.
Unlike most other depressions, which can last for years if not properly managed, reactive depression is a type of clinical depression that typically lasts a few months. While it’s time is limited, it can be very traumatizing or severe during this time. In addition, reactive depression is different from other depressions because it is solely caused by a specific stressful event, whereas other depressions can have multiple causes.
Coping mechanisms to work through reactive depression are similar to those we use with other depressions but are unique in their own way.
#1 – Identify what is causing your reactive depression.
As I stated above, reactive depression happens when something occurs in your life that causes you extreme stress and because you haven’t yet adapted to the changes brought about as a result of that event.
Issues that can bring about reactive depression include:
Death of a loved one
End of a relationship
Loss of a job
Take a good look at your life right now. Are you struggling with something? Has your parent or your pet died? Have you experienced trauma recently? Has someone broken your heart?
Anything that is out of the ordinary and which is making it more difficult to function.
If you are sad and you have recently experienced a big change in your life, you might be dealing with reactive depression.
#2 – Know the symptoms of reactive depression.
Most people with reactive depression develop symptoms within roughly 90 days following the event that triggers the condition. Symptoms can include:
Symptoms of reactive depression vary from person to person and often include more than one of the symptoms above.
Review the list above carefully. If any of these things seem familiar to you then you might be struggling with reactive depression and it’s time to deal with it. Reactive depression can cause severe disruption of your life if left untreated.
#3 – Know what is NOT reactive depression.
An important way to identify, and therefore treat, reactive depression is by understanding what it is NOT.
If you have a family history of depression, or you have previously struggled with depression, then you might not be struggling with reactive depression. Talk to your doctor about the differences. All depressions need to be treated but the treatment can vary so understanding the distinctions is important!
#4 – Do what makes you feel good.
When we are struggling with reactive depression, our inclination is to collapse into our life. We stay in bed, we don’t shower or eat well and cut off contact with those we love.
Let me tell you: if you are feeling depressed, collapsing is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. Instead, it is important to do things that make you feel good.
What kind of things might work? That depends on who you are in the world but here are a few ideas.
Take a walk.
Spend time with friends.
Take a bath.
Do some yoga.
Binge on some fun TV.
Go to the movies.
Take a road trip
So, what makes you happy? I know it seems hard now but ask yourself what you usually enjoy doing. Or ask a friend. Doing something that makes you happy will raise your endorphins and help you manage your reactive depression.
#5 – Take care of yourself.
An excellent coping mechanism for working through reactive depression is taking care of yourself.
After my mom died I fell apart. Getting off the couch was next to impossible. Wine was my closest companion with ice cream a close second.
Fortunately for me, a friend saw what I was doing to myself and get me back on track. I started going to yoga, getting more sleep, eating better and drinking lots of water.
I started spending more time outdoors in the sunshine because the warmth of the sun felt good on my body and the Vitamin D provided by the sun is a natural anti-depressant.
I know that if I hadn’t started taking care of myself, if I hadn’t made my body stronger, my reactive depression would have gotten worse!
#6 – Keep your mind active.
Unfortunately, when we are overwhelmed by reactive depression, our worst enemy is that brain of ours.
While we are lying on the couch feeling sorry for ourselves, our brain is actively buying into it all of our bad feelings.
You are a loser, it says. You have no friends. You aren’t good at anything. You will never find love. You suck at your job. And on and on.
And, chances are, that none of those things are true. That you are not a loser, you have plenty of friends, you are talented, love is out there and your boss thinks you are doing great. But your brain, when you are depressed, just doesn’t go there.
So how do you keep your mind busy when you are going through this difficult time? Yoga is a really good way to do this – you are so busy trying to figure out the damn pose that you don’t have a chance to think about anything. It also has the side benefit of toning your body and making you feel strong, which can be helpful.
Other options for keeping your mind quiet are: reading, going to a movie, hanging out with friends, working. Meditation is also an option but I just get more depressed when I try, and fail, to meditate. If you can do it, go for it!
What do you like to do that will help you quiet that mind of yours, the mind that is feeding into those feelings caused by the reactive depression?
Figure it out and do it!
#7 – Share your sadness.
Sharing your sadness with another person is a key part of dealing with it.
They say that what is kept inside the head is 4x more intense than what is spoken. Also, if you share what has happened to you, you might learn something that will help you manage it. We all have things that work for us and sharing them with others can be very helpful.
If you have someone you can talk with about your reactive depression then absolutely do it. Be it a therapist, a life coach, a friend or a partner, let the pain that is inside your head and your heart out into the world.
#8 – Write it out.
Do you journal? Or write letters to yourself? Or scribble notes on post-its? If you do, great! If you don’t, it could be time to start.
Writing about trauma in your life can be very therapeutic, especially if you don’t have someone with whom to share your stress. Much like speaking, writing allows you to get your pain out of your head and heart and onto paper.
And when you can see your pain and your feelings on a piece of paper in front of you, instead of having it rolling around in your brain, it can sometimes be much easier to manage.
#9 – See a doctor.
For many people, the thought of seeing a doctor to deal with our moods is embarrassing. We think we should be stronger and just pull up our boot straps and deal with this on our own.
Unfortunately, there are some things that just can’t be managed on their own, something that all of the coping mechanisms in the world can’t ease. Reactive depression can be one of them.
If your depression is seriously impacting your life, and you have tried the things above and they haven’t helped, reach out to your doctor to get some support. Your primary care doctor can help diagnose your depression and get you the help you need to manage and work through it.
Reactive depression is a horrible, horrible thing.
Not only has something terrible happened in your life but now you have to deal with overwhelming sadness because of it.
Perhaps you’re reading this article because you are feeling like you might be at the end of your rope. Perhaps you’re feeling that, because the life that you once led is over, there’s no reason for you to go on. Your future looks hopeless and you will never be happy again.
Do the things that I recommended above. If one thing doesn’t work try another. If nothing eases your pain, call your doctor. Don’t give up!
You can do it!
Are you struggling with reactive depression? I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help before you waste too much time struggling! Email me at email@example.com and let’s get started!
Are you struggling over and over with bad relationships? Are you unhappy because you are wasting time on all these losers and wonder if you will ever find the right one?
Don’t give up!
There are a lot of lessons to be learned from bad relationships, lessons that will set you up for success when you find the right person.
What kind of lessons? Let me tell you…
#1 – What red flags look like.
If you are not familiar with the term ‘red flags’ let me explain.
Red flags are signals that there is something bad ahead. Sometimes they are clear and sometimes they are not. Often times we ignore them. And when we do, disasters happen.
What might a red flag look like?
Some are subtle. Perhaps he talks about his ex alot, or he has a bad relationship with his mother. Perhaps he hasn’t been able to hold down a job. Perhaps he refuses to talk about anything difficult.
Some are more obvious. Perhaps he states that he doesn’t want a serious relationship or that kids are out of the questions. Perhaps he tells you that that male friend of yours has to go.
The thing about red flags is that often we see them and we ignore them or justify them away. Hopefully, bad relationships will help you to recognize that those red flags can be accurate and that, if you had only paid attention to them in the beginning, you could have spared yourself a whole lot of pain.
#2 – What not to do.
One lesson that can be learned from bad relationships is what NOT to do next time.
Many of us have behaviors that we repeat in every relationship and many of us are in serial bad relationships because of it.
For many people, we tend to personalize things that happen in a relationship. If our guy comes home late, it’s because they don’t love us. If they don’t put away their dirty laundry, they don’t respect us. If they forget our birthday, we just aren’t important to them.
And while in some cases these things might be true, more often than not things that people do have nothing to do with the other person – they have to do with misjudgment and neglect.
So, don’t take things personally – it’s not all about you.
Another thing that people tend to do in bad relationships is to be passive aggressive and to antagonize.
Instead of confronting an issue head on, many of us make snide comments on the side, hoping our person will hear our dissatisfaction and act on it. Furthermore, we continue to harp on an issue, cutting a thousand little cuts, to the point that our partner no longer cares about what our concerns are.
These are just two behaviors that derail many relationships. There are others.
Take a good hard look at what your role is in this relationship – bad relationships rarely happen because of one person’s behavior. Figure out what yours are and make note.
#3 – That enabling is not supporting.
Have you ever been in a relationship that was struggling and you tried to save it by being supportive?
Many of us, women in particular, believe that if we can just support our person that the relationship will hold. If we are patient while our partners work late hours or hold their hands when they feel insecure AGAIN about something that happened at the gym or look the other way when they have that third vodka after dinner we believe that they will notice us and stay in love with us. And that, maybe, their troubling behaviors will change.
Unfortunately, this ‘supporting’ is really more ‘enabling’ and enabling is not good in any relationship.
If you continue to look the other way when your partner gets drunk or ignores you because of work or yells at you because of their own insecurities, you are telling your partner that their behaviors are ok. And if your partners think their behaviors are ok, they will never change.
If your partner has behaviors that make you unhappy, stop supporting them. Either speak up about them or walk.
Even as we hold on to bad partners, we do start to see very clearly their shortcomings and we can therefore get a sense of what we ideally would want if we were in charge of the world.
I had a guy who I loved but who was desperately insecure, who wanted to please everyone, who had a quick temper, who lived with a ton of fear and who was in and out of jobs. I loved him but I was suffering.
When I finally broke free of that relationship I set out looking for a guy who knew who he was, who was patient and kind and steady. I was very clear about that and did ultimately find what I was seeking.
So, what do you want in a partner? Make a list. Write it down. Refer to it often.
#5 – That letting go is not giving up.
I can’t tell you how many of my clients who are struggling with letting go of love in bad relationships tell me that they aren’t walking away because they don’t want to give up! That they aren’t quitters.
And I always tell them the same thing – that there are two people in a relationship and that as long as you are the only one making the effort, or that the efforts you both are making aren’t working, then it’s not a matter of giving up. You can only control your own efforts – only you can finish that marathon – but you can’t control someone else. It’s not giving up if your partner isn’t giving their all as well.
So, if you are struggling with ‘giving up,’ don’t! Know that you can let go of a love that isn’t serving you and move on with your head held high, knowing that you did your best.
#6 – How strong you are.
For those of us who survive bad relationships (which, pretty much, we all do in the end) we know how strong we are.
By having the fortitude to let go of a love that wasn’t serving you, you are reclaiming your own power, a power that you might have lost in the struggle that was your bad relationship.
Talk to someone who has escaped from a bad situation and you will see someone who might be sad, perhaps really sad, but someone who feels powerful having been able to do it.
Letting go of bad relationships is incredibly difficult – do it and you will feel stronger then you ever have before.
#7 – That being alone is better than being unhappy.
One thing that can become very clear when you are in a bad relationship is how much better it might be to be alone than to be with someone who makes you miserable.
There is nothing worse than the day in, day out suffering of being in a bad relationship. You wake up to it, it lives with you throughout the day and is there when you go to bed at night.
Sure, when you are alone you might spend time alone on your couch binge watching Game of Thrones, but your time is your own. You can do what you want. And, while you might feel miserable that you are alone, I can promise you that it’s not as miserable as you might feel if you spend your days struggling with bad relationships.
Learning lessons from bad relationships is a key part of finding love and happiness.
The goal is to not repeat history – not at work, not with parenting, not with behaviors and not with relationships. The goal is to learn from our mistakes and move forward to find success in the future.
So, take a good look at bad relationshps that you have had in your life and take inventory of what lessons you have learned so that you can do things differently in the future!
You can do it! True love is out there waiting for you!
Are you struggling with a bad relationship? I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help before you waste too much time struggling! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let’s get started!
How do you know if you love someone as much as they love you? It’s a really important question to ask.
Love is complicated and because human beings so want to be in love we are sometimes desperate to hold on to someone we aren’t sure we love because we WANT to love them.
On the other hand, many of us are so scared of love, often because of past hurts, that trusting whether or not they are in love can be difficult.
With both those things in mind, it’s important to carefully examine how do you know if you love someone as much as they love you.
#1 – You know what love is – and you feel it.
Do you know the difference between being in love with someone and loving someone? It is very important to understand the difference between the two.
I believe that when you are in love with someone you feel the feelings that you read about in books. When you see your person your heart leaps a little bit, you long for their touch, you want to know everything about them, spending time together is lovely and you care about their hopes and dreams.
I believe that when you love someone, as opposed to being in love with someone, your feelings are more feelings of friendship. You feel peaceful and happy being with them and support them in their endeavors but that feeling of your heart leaping, of relishing their physical touch, just isn’t there.
So, how do you feel when you see your person? Does your heart leap or do you just feel peaceful? It’s an important distinction and one that only you can know.
#2 – Things are evenly balanced.
When you love someone as much as they love you, you will find that you meet each other equally. You both want to spend time together, you both do nice things for each other, you equally share in the give and take in the relationship.
When love is uneven, more often than not, one person is giving way more than the other. And both sides are uncomfortable with this. The person who is giving too much feels like they are not being appreciated and the person who is giving less feels unhappy with the power dynamic in the relationship.
What does your relationship look like? Do you enjoy giving to your partner and much as he or she gives to you? If not, they might love you more than you love them.
#3 – They don’t bug you.
When you are in a relationship where the love is equal you will find that you are never aggravated by the way your partner touches you. It doesn’t bug you that they want to spend so much time with you or asks you questions about your day. You are most always happy to be with them and their attentions don’t cause you any aggravation.
Do you find that your partner bugs you in a way that feels uncomfortable to you? Do you wish you were more receptive to their attentions? If the answer is yes, you might not love them as much as they love you.
#4 – You aren’t always questioning the relationship.
One answer to how do you know if you love someone as much as they love you has to do with how much time do you spend questioning the relationship.
Do you think that you want to be in this relationship but just aren’t sure? Do you think about whether you are making a mistake in committing to this person? Do you spend time thinking about other people instead? Do you find yourself rationalizing your relationship more often than not?
People who love someone else as much as they love them don’t constantly question the relationship. They are secure in the fact the love is real and equal and that a commitment to it is a smart one.
#5 – Your attention doesn’t wander.
Do you find yourself looking at other people and wondering if, for whatever reason, you might be interested in a relationship with them?
Do your friends introduce you to other people who they think might be better for you?
If either of these things are the case, your feelings for your partner might not be equal to theirs. People who are in love with their partner don’t go seeking other potential mates. People whose love is equal with their partner’s, who enjoy spending time with them, enjoy their physical touch and aren’t questioning things don’t look at other people as potential mates.
So, how do you know if you love someone as much as they love you?
It seems like a difficult question to answer but really the signs are clear.
If you have that ‘heart skip’ kind of feeling when you see your person, if the things you do for each other are basically balanced, if being with them doesn’t annoy you and you aren’t always questioning the relationship then chances are good your love for each other is balanced.
So, now that you have a sense of how you feel, it’s on you to run with it.
If things are balanced, yay!
If they aren’t, you have a choice to make – will you continue to stay with this person, trying to see if you can make it work, potentially wasting both of your times, or are you going to let this person go so that both of you can find the person you are meant to be with?
Good luck! You can do it!
Are you struggling with wondering if you love someone as much as they love you? I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help before you waste too much time wondering! Email me at email@example.com and let’s get started!