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Alabama: We frickin’ love fetuses!

Welcome to Alabama. Home of luscious pines, abundant natural resources and the most extreme anti-abortion law in the country.

Here you can discover a whole new universe, where any doctor who performs an abortion could face life in prison. But don’t worry, if they have to share a cell with a rapist, the rapist will only be there for 20 years!

We pride ourselves on being the home-state of some of the finest people in the universe!

Folks like fictional character Forest Gump, and a bunch of other white guys who frickin’ love pregnancies! Like our 25 male state senators who have really sexy names like Garlan Gudger, Shay Shelnut and Will Barfoot. Mmmmm nothing sexier than a Barfoot. These hunks just signed a bill that compares abortions to the holocaust and are dying to overturn Roe V Wade, but have no idea whether a woman’s uterus is in her butt or on her elbow.

The only woman who voted for it is the governor who signed it, Kay Ivey, who says “all lives are a gift from God,” and also enforces the death penalty.

Anyways, Alabama’s endless vistas and soaring trees will bring you closer to God, who we’ve decided is a man, and king of Alabama.

We’re the state of fun family adventures! Like visiting an underground cave where you can release your rage by screaming at the top of your lungs into the abyss; Or puting your tired ass inside a one person canoe, where you can finally let out some farts without anyone getting on your case about how bad they smell.

Or kayak in a stream that flows into a river, that hopefully crosses state lines.

Or the most thrilling adventure of all: being forced to raise a child even if it’s the product of incest or rape because any doctors who perform abortions could face life in prison.

Because the only thing one of the worst-ranked school systems America needs is MORE KIDS.

Hey did you know Alabama has some of the world’s most delicious craft beer? And Mardis Gras started here too! Maybe you can drink and party enough for it to actually make sense when State senator Clyde Chambliss says a woman can end her pregnancy before she even knows she’s pregnant!

For realsies? We’ve been ranked #1 in America for teen birth rates before, and we want that title back.

So come on down to Alabama where the music plays on the wrong side of history; The waves wash over the sands of misogyny; And babies are delivered the old fashioned way: by stork. Or pelican, or whatever this is. Where was I? Oh: the produce is fresh from the farm; The seafood sizzles straight from the Gulf; And this dead trout has more rights than our women.

Oh and if you’re wondering what would happen if we took all the time, energy and resources that our lawmakers invested into fighting abortions and put it into giving the children that are already there better conditions? We don’t know what would happen! And we don’t care.

We don’t even make schools teach sex ed! But if they do, we make em say gays are evil

If you thought Georgia wasn’t bad enough. It’s time to make your way down to Sweet Home Alabama!

CREDITS:

Actor: Taylor Treadwell
Writer: Darren Miller, Tamara Yajia, Sue Smith
Director/Producer/Editor: Darren Miller

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This man is in charge of a whole country

Earlier this week Trump gave a press conference in the Rose Garden, and since he’s been the kamikaze pilot flying this plane for two years now we’ve all learned by this point that it’s not a matter of whether or not he’ll say something dumb, it’s a matter of how many and just how dumb the things he says are going to be. And even if the words don’t come right from his mouth, the well of nonsensical words he’s tweeted out into the universe — like covfefe and hamberder — runs deep.

This time, though, the president changed things up a bit and gave the world a glimpse at his handwritten notes, thanks to some very quick photographers. You’d think the contents of Trump’s notations would be the main talking points, but everyone was immediately fixated on one glaring bullet point.

“Dems have no achomlishments”

Trump notes captured by @jabinbotsford:
“They want to impeach me over acts that they did”
“Dems have no achomlishments [sic]”https://t.co/WUGczy4y2c pic.twitter.com/ealXzJEFJM

— Dan Eggen (@DanEggenWPost) May 22, 2019

Yeah. It actually says that.

A C H O M L I S H M E N T S

After so many egregious and frankly concerning butcherings of the English language, making fun of them definitely isn’t as fun as it used to be. Honestly, it’s almost a little dull. But he’s the goddamn president of the United States and as long as he’s in office we should never stop pointing out how absolutely incompetent he is.

Reminder that this man has. the. launch. codes. If we survive his presidency that’ll be a real achomlishment.

Achomlishments https://t.co/30KOTCKaYv

— Philip Rucker (@PhilipRucker) May 23, 2019

“Achomlishments.” The President of the United States wrote that down.

— Richard Marx (@richardmarx) May 23, 2019

Even spell check is like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ pic.twitter.com/fGRUOwUn83

— Elizabeth Randol (@RandolElizabeth) May 23, 2019

Make way for a man of achomlishments. pic.twitter.com/Wosod95Met

— Schooley (@Rschooley) May 23, 2019

pic.twitter.com/FZqLN2DA9b

— Acyn Torabi (@Acyn) May 23, 2019

“Dems have no achomlishments” He’s like a dumpster fire, if the dumpster was sentient, and walked around screaming “NO YOURE ON FIRE” to everyone along its path. https://t.co/EGBuvbHuZu

— Cori (@PerihelionDance) May 23, 2019

“Achomlishments”

This is the President.

I’m so terrified I can’t stop laughing. https://t.co/5CpRGewOvK

— Ahmed Baba (@AhmedBaba_) May 23, 2019

Judge a man not by his spelling but by his achomlishments

— Roger Wilson (@civicdec) May 23, 2019

Imagine the jobs you wouldn’t get if your cover letter said achomlishments

— Laughing Cavs (@laughingcavs) May 23, 2019

I enjoy eating freshly baked achomlishments with my morning covfefe.

— Jon Cooper (@joncoopertweets) May 23, 2019
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This has been a long time coming

For years he’s been an easy target for jokes and fodder for memes but it’s about time that we all earnestly acknowledge that Guy Fieri is a national treasure. Over the span of more than a decade he’s showcased the best greasy spoons America has to offer, and in an age of growing tension and division, has united people all across this country through shared love of cholesterolically-nightmarish food, because deep down we’re all gluttons, and if nothing else, at least there’s that to connect us. His jovial demeanor and zest for life is straight up infectious, and I think we all desperately need more of that right now.

Let’s be real — America is a mess, but we can, and have always been able to, find solace in Flavortown.

And earlier this week, Guy finally got the recognition he deserves, as he became the third chef ever to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

It was, in a word, beautiful.

Guy Fieri just got his walk of fame star, on the holiest of days, world goth day pic.twitter.com/FfL66CFdJ4

— Funny Or Die (@funnyordie) May 22, 2019

So to honor this patron saint of meat sweats, defender of roadside diners, and purveyor of homestyle meals, please remove your hats and enjoy these gifs of Guy Fieri being Guy Fieri.

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Zack Morris Is Trash: Season 4 Episode 8

Remember the ‘Saved by the Bell’ when Zack Morris cloned himself to cheat on his girlfriend at her birthday party?

As the episode begins, Zack Morris is overjoyed about his latest detention sentence, claiming he’s the only kid on America’s Most Wanted. I’m not surprised.

Kelly wants to know who has dates for her birthday party Saturday! Zack lays claim to his girlfriend’s flesh. Then gloats about Kelly to Slater.

Zack parading his alleged property around Bayside

Mr. Belding’s niece Penny is in town and he wants someone to take her out Friday. Zack only wants to know what she looks like, forgetting that Kelly exists.

Belding notes this is Zack’s 9th detention. Zack swears it’s 8. Belding reminds him that number 8 was the time he sold the school to the Japanese. I remain not surprised. One more detention and he’ll be suspended. Belding announces the obvious, that his suspension is imminent, but Zack is unfazed claiming “Not until cows give Pepsi sir”.

He’s only so smug because he’s so dumb.

Zack Morris needs permanent detention

Zack, who should be on his best behavior, shows up late to class chewing gum. Then flagrantly passes notes. And gets caught. Twice. Detention. Guess cows are giving Pepsi sooner than you thought, Zack.

Belding offers to make detention disappear if Zack takes out Penny. Zack tells Belding that his offer is clearly blackmail. Yeah, who’d you think he learned it from?

Zack laments his date with a Belding Friday, giving no regard to Kelly.

Kelly checks on Zack as he looks shittier than usual. Zack says he’ll be fine for her party Saturday. Kelly reports The Max was booked. The party’s moved to Friday.

Sweet Kelly is far too trusting

How will Zack get out of this? By faking every injury. He suffered a nasty skateboard accident. His doctor said, “No dating.” I’d like to see his medical license.

Belding reminds Zack he used “skateboard accident” for midterms. He re-instates Zack’s suspension, miraculously healing him.

Belding tells Zack to meet Penny at the mall, and carry a red rose so she’ll recognize him. The ONLY way she’ll recognize him. This gives Zack a great idea.

Zack enlists Screech to get him out of his latest self-made prison. Zack says he’s gonna do him a favor and Screech reminds him that Zack’s last “favor” left him trapped naked on a bus.

Someone. Anyone. Investigate this man.

I’m seeing double the douche

Zack tells Screech he needs to pretend to be Zack and go out with Penny. He breaks Screech’s self-esteem by making him look in the mirror to acknowledge his desperation. Then says stop touching.

But Zack’s blabbering has, once again, allowed his plans to be overheard by Slater who he just provoked.

Zack’s giving Screech a crash course in being a sociopathic douche. Despite the fact that all Penny knows about Zack is a rose, his delusional narcissism deems all this necessary. Screech, trying to keep up with Zack’s unholy curriculum, falls down stairs.

Screech tells Kelly he can’t make it to the party since he has a hot date at the movies. Slater says they can come to the party after the movie! Screech shouldn’t miss out to do Zack’s bidding.

Screech going for that extra bit of “Zackoscity”

Zack taunts Slater for not having a date. Then says nothing could ruin this night. About that.

Screech arrives with Penny, looking like a bargain bin dick tip. Penny’s sweet and likes Screech regardless of his piss poor personality. Zack yanks him away from the date he setup.

He yells at Screech for showing his face at their friend’s party. Then threatens him with violence if he refuses to leave. But Screech, deep in character, disregards and disrespects his buddy. Full method Morris.

Slater introduces Penny to Kelly in hopes of shining a light on the scum Zack is. Penny tells Kelly she’s having a great date. With Zack Morris. And they’re leaving soon to get hot and heavy.

Kelly is pissed!

Kelly’s pissed the fuck off at this bitch showing up to her birthday talking about getting busy with her man. Penny’s afraid she’s about to get her ass kicked. They leave.

Kelly demands answers. “Would you believe we’re on Totally Hidden Videos?” Zack says with the confidence of a pathological liar. No because that’s a made up show. Zack admits he put Screech up to this fraud. Kelly should be furious he accepted a date with another girl. But appreciates the trouble that went into his ass-saving con? No! Kelly no! He’s got you brainwashed, sweet Kelly!

And we never see Penny ever again. After learning she was a pawn in a game, and dating an imposter, she probably fucking killed herself. Let’s review.

Zack Morris = Grade A Trash

Zack Morris had a date with Kelly for her birthday. That he forgot about at the mention of another woman. When warned he was on the cusp of suspension, got busted for the same offense twice in two minutes. Instead of taking his punishment, took a date to bail himself out. And would’ve been fine secretly cheating until it wasn’t physically possible. So he cloned himself, after revealing his scheme to the person he’s been bullying, resulting in his double cheating on his girlfriend at her birthday party. And learned nothing because Kelly is an angel with infinite compassion he does not deserve. Zack Morris is trash.

Check out Funny Or Die’s official line of Zack Morris Is Trash merch here: https://amzn.to/2De3olY

Check out Saved by the Bell on NBC: https://goo.gl/dXVC3a and official Saved by the Bell merch: https://goo.gl/cM2P6i

CREDITS
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Zach Galifianakis and his ferns are coming back and this time they’re going cross country!

Over the course of ten years and 21 episodes, Zach Galifianakis interviewed some of the biggest names in entertainment and even a few people in politics you may have heard of. Whether it was Bradley Cooper or Barack Obama who sat across from him in that tiny black room, one thing was always guaranteed: Zach was gonna find a way to make it super awkward. Between Two Ferns even won two Emmys for Most Hilariously Long Uncomfortable Silences and Outstandingly Maintained Eye Contact (okay so those aren’t the actual Emmys it won, but if those were real categories, Between Two Ferns would’ve cleaned up every year).

It’s been almost one full year since Zach graced us with an episode and flexed his supreme(ly weird) hosting skills, and this Fall he’s going to take things to a whole new level.

On September 20th, Funny Or Die and Netflix are bringing you Between Two Ferns: The Movie starring the man, the myth, the bearded legend, Zach Galifianakis.

“Zach Galifianakis dreamed of becoming a star. But when Will Ferrell discovered his public access TV show “Between Two Ferns” and uploaded it to Funny Or Die, Zach became a viral laughing stock. Now Zach and his crew are taking a road trip to complete a series of high-profile celebrity interviews and restore his reputation. Directed by Scott Aukerman, BETWEEN TWO FERNS: THE MOVIE is a laugh-out-loud comedy that gives new insight into the curmudgeonly, beloved outsider Zach Galifianakis has created over the years.”

If you’re new to Between To Ferns, you’ve got a few months to get familiar so this is the perfect time to start watching. If you’re already a fan, there’s never a bad time to binge watch ‘em again. Luckily for you, we’ve got all the episodes in one place.

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Alright everybody needs to calm down a little bit

It started when Andy Samberg posted an effortlessly good photo of himself on Twitter that caused a giant social media frenzy and made everyone realized that — gasp — comedians can be super attractive AND funny AT THE SAME TIME? Crazy. Who would’ve thought. And it looks like the next funny-man-turned-babetown to crank everyone’s libido up to 10 is Canada’s own Seth Rogen.

He’s known for taking on goofier roles in buddy films like Pineapple Express and This Is The End, and I guess a lot of people couldn’t see past that silly exterior. But his latest film The Long Shot with Charlize Theron features a pretty slick, tux-wearing Seth Rogen, and I have to admit when I saw the billboard ads for it even I was like, “damn Seth!”

Now, just a few weeks after the premiere of The Long Shot, the photos from his shoot with GQ Magazine were released and, uhh, lemme just say again,

DAMN, SETH!

Caroline McCloskey profiles @Sethrogen for the June/July issue of GQ: https://t.co/0W1nvvtjhT pic.twitter.com/BDEtrMjKhe

— GQ Magazine (@GQMagazine) May 21, 2019
Dude’s dressed TO. THE. NINES. Like he’s even using a goddamn GUCCI ASHTRAY.

And just like with Andy Samberg, this awakening has thoroughly rocked the whole internet.

Not only am I late because the train went past my stop I also just realized I would fuck Seth Rogan what a mess of a morning this has turned out to be

— Shakira (@jodecicry) May 21, 2019

Seth Rogan during the GQ photo shoot pic.twitter.com/3yl5c6hV5o

— Jessica (@Jessxadanielle) May 23, 2019

no hetero but good for seth rogen

— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) May 21, 2019

Now that I’ve seen the Seth Rogen GQ cover shoot, I finally understand the expression “glow up.” pic.twitter.com/YNbJBzkOZT

— Gennefer ‘Stands with the WGA’ Gross (@Gennefer) May 21, 2019

I would let this man pick me up by my ponytail and swing me around like a lasso https://t.co/UHMDQARlOL

— The great and terrible (@donediirty) May 21, 2019

Seth rogen is gonna be on GTA’s next loading screen pic.twitter.com/fdzVPqf9oI

— Cisco (@Frvncissco) May 21, 2019

Donald Trump is president, Seth Rogan is hot. Nothing makes sense anymore.

— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) May 22, 2019
However, not everyone was surprised

Look, Seth Rogen has been fuckable forever. Adorable fuckability, ‘adorkafuckable’ if you will. It’s just that today he ascended to Zaddy tier and we welcome him to this fine-wine echelon send tweet.

— Camilla Blackett (@camillard) May 21, 2019

Honestly I couldn’t be happier that I fully embraced my on-again-off-again crush on Seth Rogen mere weeks before his GQ cover shoot was released

— aly (@geturowntots) May 22, 2019

if you can’t love seth rogen at his 40 year-old virgin then you don’t get to love him at his long shot

— rachel tolleson (@copperinsides) May 21, 2019
And, adorably, Seth was just excited for his dog

ZELDA IS ON THE COVER OF GQ! I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE PROUD. pic.twitter.com/C1hAxTPCEJ

— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) May 21, 2019

work it zelda

— WeRateDogs™ (@dog_rates) May 21, 2019
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Telenovelas are known for being way too over-the-top and Pasión de Gavilanes is no exception

Are you ready to watch people suffer? Well I bring you Pasión De Gavilanes, A Colombian Telenovela full of terribly acted deaths, horse accidents, and so much violence, that even abuela wants in on the fight. And for those of you wondering why there has to be this much suffering. Then my answer is that Telenovelas are hell.

This telenovela tells the story of Libia, a poor woman, and her three muscular brothers: Angry, Horny and Stupidy. One day, Libia drops a bomb on her brothers by telling them she’s been having an affair with Senor Elizondo, a rich man that could be her grandpa, and looks like if Santa Clause had a midlife crisis and joined a gym.

Libia tells them that she’s been sneaking off with Senor Elizondo to have lots of sex in horse stables that smell like poo poo…and that SHE’S PREGNANT, which make her brother so mad, they smash each other’s faces into lumps of dough.

Senor Elizondo promises the brothers that he’ll divorce his wife and marry their sister, except he immediately dies by falling off his horse. To make matters worse, their sister finds out about her lover’s death while she’s out shopping for beans and jumps off a bridge.

You think this is dramatic? Well we’re just getting started.

CREDITS

Narrated By: Tamara Yajia
Writer/Editor: Tamara Yajia
Editor: Paul Louis Smith

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My inner child is screaming

Growing up can mean saying goodbye to a lot of the things you used to love, whether it’s because you’re just not into Pogs like you were at 10 years old or because it’s really hard to bring a date home when you still sleep in a race car bed. Some things are easier to hang onto, however.

Like Pokémon.

I can’t say how many people still watch the tv series in their adulthood, but there’s definitely those who still have their card collections tucked away on a shelf (plus collecting stuff is a grown-up hobby so it’s allowed), and if you had any doubts about the number of adults who still love Pokémon, the fact that Pokémon Go legitimately took over everyone’s lives when it was released should’ve put them to bed for you.

So if you’re one of the many grown-ups who still holds Pokémon dear, I’ve got some pretty cool news for you.

There’s a Pokémon themed pop-up bar and it’s going to travel all around the USA.

IT. SOUNDS. A M A Z I N G .

It’s called “PokéBar” because what else would it be called, and it’s going to have everything the inner trainer in you could want.

✓ Pokémon-themed food
✓ Pokémon-themed drinks
✓ A live DJ spinning mixes of actual Pokémon themes
✓ The chance to win prizes if you cosplay as one of the characters

AND! AND!!

Whoever attends this pop-up bar event will have a chance to “catch and battle Pokémon in the hopes of being named an ultimate champion”, which is cryptic as hell BUT SOUNDS SUPER EXCITING AND I CAN’T WAIT.

The details are pretty limited but you can sign up for more information and to be notified for presale tickets here!

R E L A T E D

Pokémon Go Personal Injury Lawyer
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This is real life

Generally when you apply for a job the first thing you have to figure out is whether or not you have the qualifications. It’s not unheard of to, ahem, tweak your résumé to make yourself seem like the best candidate, but if you’re going after a job you might not be cut out for, if you’re smart you certainly wouldn’t flat out tell that to whoever’s interviewing you. And if you’re the employer, you CERTAINLY wouldn’t hire someone if you knew they weren’t qualified.

Unless, of course, the position is as a high-ranking government official, and the employer is President Donald Trump. Because then you can have literally zero applicable skills and say whatever the fuck you want and you’ll probably still get the job.

I’m sure you all remember Ben Carson, the retired neurosurgeon who ran as a Republican candidate in the 2016 presidential election. You’d think that someone who has the capacity to become a neurosurgeon would probably not be dumb as a post but Ben Carson is proof that, while you can learn a lot of things from textbooks, you can’t fix stupid.

In 2017 Donald Trump appointed Carson as the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, a position for which he is about as qualified as Gary Busey would be qualified to perform a root canal.

And he proved this during a Financial Services Committee meeting when Rep. Katie Porter asked him if he knew what an REO — which stands for Real-Estate Owned — is, and he responded,

“An Oreo?” Yeah, really.

I asked @SecretaryCarson about REOs - a basic term related to foreclosure - at a hearing today. He thought I was referring to a chocolate sandwich cookie. No, really. pic.twitter.com/cYekJAkRag

— Rep. Katie Porter (@RepKatiePorter) May 21, 2019

I don’t know what’s more terrifying — the fact that he, as the SECRETARY OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT doesn’t know THE MOST BASIC HOUSING TERMS and is grossly unqualified to run a government department, or anything more complex than an ant farm honestly, or the fact that THIS DUDE USED TO OPERATE ON PEOPLE’S BRAINS.

Of course Ben Carson is involved in the great Oreo REO confusion debacle https://t.co/76YsLganqf

— Molly Jong-Fast (@MollyJongFast) May 21, 2019

Do you know what a house is?
Ben Carson: Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookies?

— Jeremy Newberger (@jeremynewberger) May 21, 2019

He then tried to recover from this absolute magnum opus of blunders by buying a box of Oreos for Rep. Katie Porter and trying to make light of the situation, which obviously backfired because fucking duh.

I, too, would stress-eat cookies after being publicly exposed for not knowing the basics ins and outs of my job https://t.co/FCtJOy2Goa

— Kim Bellware (@bellwak) May 21, 2019

Owning the libs by reminding everyone you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

— Gabe Ortíz (@TUSK81) May 21, 2019

me, not an intellectual: theres no way katie porter was asking about cookies

ben carson, a brain surgeon: she was definitely asking about oreos

— ɯ ᴉ ʇ ɥ (@ManlnTheHoody) May 21, 2019

it's funny because the joke is you dont understand a simple yet essential part of your job and are a totally unqualified hack. LAUGHTER ENSUES!

— Jarett Wieselman (@JarettSays) May 21, 2019

pic.twitter.com/cevE3ABTgx

— Miles Klee (@MilesKlee) May 21, 2019

Hahaha it’s funny that you are not qualified for your job and you treat it as a joke and your salary that you don’t need or deserve comes from people who pay taxes (the money they pay actually makes a difference in their day-to-day lives), good one Ben Carson, Secretary of HUD https://t.co/r5YwmoSwzw

— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) May 21, 2019

To the people who put him there, Ben Carson having no idea what’s going on at HUD is by far his biggest qualification

— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) May 21, 2019

Once again congrats to Ben Carson on single-handedly reversing the meaning of “It’s not brain surgery”

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) May 21, 2019

reminder that ben carson is almost certainly HUD secretary because Donald Trump saw the word "urban" and figured the department head had to be a black person

— b-boy bouiebaisse (@jbouie) May 21, 2019
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When the Genie and Aladdin waltz into King’s Landing they find a skeptical Arya, Jon Snow, and more.

Prince Ali has the strength of 10,000 men

But when he and the Genie just show up at King’s Landing, Jon Snow, Arya, Grey Worm — even Missandei and Cersei — aren’t that impressed. I guess if you’re used to watching flying dragons turn entire effing gd cities into roman candles and bottle rockets watching a mythical Jinn ride ostriches and wield scimitars doesn’t quite cut it.

And it makes sense. With so many people vying for Iron Throne, and so many loose ends in Westeros, having YET ANOTHER person cry royalty in order to sit on the biggest, most comfortable chair of them all would make me mad, too.

That’s why when Genie ropes in the fellas, Jon Snow has to LITERALLY BEAT BACK his own men who rush in protest, and that’s why Arianne Martell screams in horror and agony at the the prospect of even more quiet conversations in big cavernous rooms that lead to her most hated enemies crushing her lover’s head like an overripe tomato.

But don’t worry. We know that Genie and Aladdin will eventually charm the citizens of Westeros because, honestly, anything would be better than Bran.

CREDITS

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