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If you find yourself on a date with someone who doesn’t have Netflix, congratulations on finding A HUGE RED FLAG.

Jessie Jolles gets real about how to Netflix and chill with a date who doesn’t have an account. Spoiler alert: they’re psychos, get out of there now.

FIELD NOTES FROM THE FUNNY OR DIE STAFF

Modern dating is hard. Fortunately, Jessie Jolles has a few tips to help you find that special someone as part of her series It’s A Date! with Just For Laughs. In this episode, Jessie points out that you’d have to be an insane person not to have Netflix in 2019. It’s core to everything about unwinding and relaxing in our modern age. Sure, we may be watching documentaries about murderous psychopaths to unwind, BUT! If you aren’t spending your leisure time learning about the gruesome murders perpetrated by certified psychos on Netflix then obviously you are a certified psycho. It’s science, bitch.

CREDITS

Written & Created by Jessie Jolles, Pat Stango, & Clayton Gumbert
Starring Jessie Jolles
Directed by Danny Jolles

Check out more from the Funny Or Die community here and if you have something you think is worth featuring, make sure to submit it for review by the Funny Or Die team here.

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“Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?”

Quentin Tarantino (Reservoir Dogs) and Wes Anderson (Isle of Dogs) link up for the kind of heist movie that we really want to see right now: a stop-motion crime drama remix that combines Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs and Anderson’s Isle of Dogs into The Isle of Reservoir Dogs.

Six dogs with pseudonyms, and each forced to overcome their instinct of stranger danger on an island trash heap, try to carry out the perfect robbery of maggot-filled garbage food. The heist is ambushed by animal control and the inadvertent appearance of a young boy. The gang of pooches are forced to claw their way out, and at their dump of a rendezvous, the canines discover their crew might have the last thing they’d expect: a rat.

FIELD NOTES FROM THE FUNNY OR DIE STAFF

Quentin Tarantino might be obsessed (in a good way) with Samuel L. Jackson, into feet, and a little too-prone to say the n-word, but the guy can write dialogue that sizzles like Harvey Weinstein on the witness stand.

And Wes Anderson might dress like a college professor dating Anna Wintour, be long overdue for an Oscar, and be the king of magical pop music moments, but the man is ALSO the king of what the Smithsonian has labeled “fastidious whimsy” — and this mash-up is a glorious combination of these two directors’ styles that I would pay cold, hard bitcoin to see.

CREDITS

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It’s a national debt sale - everything must go!

As of last week, America’s national debt is up to $22 trillion - juuuust a little bit more than pocket change. Anyone who’s been in a financial jam will tell you one of the quickest solutions is selling of stuff you don’t need, so in that spirit, someone has started a petition on Change.org to sell Montana to Canada. Which makes sense, because what’s even in Montana anyway? When was the last time we used it? Doesn’t it kinda just sit there and collect dust?

Too much debt, and Montana to spare.

The most outlandish part of this entire thing is that the creator of this Change.org movement has valued the state of Montana at a whopping $1 trillion, which seems a bit high to me, even in this economy. But the petition has already reached almost 9,000 signatures and is still going strong, and regardless of what side of the border they’re on, most people seem to be in favor of this sale.

Some people have even decided to take this deal a step further.

But of course, there are those who aren’t on board with the idea.

What did beavers ever do to you?!

Listen, don’t take it personally, Montana. Desperate times call for desperate measures and sales of land.

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Apparently there’s some dress-up and pretend time in medical school so that tomorrow’s doctors get a few dry runs at patient face time.

Sickos is a show about characters stuck in a world they are never going to leave. In this case it’s a job. In a basement. That looks like a fake hospital. Welcome to the world of Standardized Patients, where you’re paid to be other people. Other people with hemorrhoids.

FIELD NOTES FROM THE FUNNY OR DIE STAFF

The thing about life is that the more you get into it, the more you learn about it, the more aspects of life you’d never thought about before simultaneously get weirder and make more sense when you learn about them. What do I mean? Well, take this series, for example, from creators Laura McKenzie, Laura Grey, and MW Heider. It turns out that there is such a thing as a “simulated patient” (also known as a standardized patient or sample patient), and they have one job: pretend to be sick so that medical school students learn how to talk to patients.

To unpack this, it means I am today years old when I found out that some of the most important jobs in the medical field have an element of theater and dress-up during their training. This is amazing, or could be. This simultaneously seems incredibly strange (to be either the “patient” being paid to pretend to be sick or the medical school student and staff trying to take it seriously) and incredibly vital and obvious (how else will these people learn to talk to patients??). Don’t take it from me: here’s an account of a real-life standardized patient, and a piece by the New Yorker on the art of portraying medical maladies.

To learn more about this weird world, watch this amazing series, featuring Jordan Klepper (The Opposition with Jordan Klepper on Comedy Central).

Check out the entire series below.

Sickos: A Few Good Sickos
A Few Good Sickos - YouTube
Sickos: Ante Up
Ante Up - YouTube
Sickos: Deja Vu
Deja Vu - YouTube
Sickos: Boob
Boob - YouTube
Sickos: Head To Toe
Head To Toe - YouTube
Sickos: Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep - YouTube
Sickos: STD
STD - YouTube
Sickos: Scarface
Scarface - YouTube

CREDITS:

Created and Written by: Laura McKenzie, Laura Grey, MW Heider
Directed by: Matt Miller
Produced by: P.J. Fishwick
Executive Producers: Matt Abramson & David Brixton
Director of Photography: Darryl Miller
Editor: Tim Warmanen & Alfred Cisneros
Production Designer: Merje Veski
Costume Designer: Lizzie Cook
Sound Mixer: Danny Rodriguez

Check out more from the Funny Or Die community here and if you have something you think is worth featuring, make sure to submit it for review by the Funny Or Die team here.

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Funny or Die by The Ron Burgundy Podcast - 2d ago

Deepak Chopra is very deep...but for more reasons than you think.

Listen to The Ron Burgundy Podcast every Thursday on iHeartRadio, FunnyOrDie.com and where ever podcasts are available.

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Wow, this is clearly the start of a beautiful friendship for Ron Burgundy and Deepak Chopra.

Listen to The Ron Burgundy Podcast every Thursday on iHeartRadio, FunnyOrDie.com and where ever podcasts are available.

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We get it. You’re sick.

When you get sick, you know how to power through and beat it. But when your friend gets sick, they won’t shut up about every disgusting detail. Do you really need to hear about how much mucus they’re swallowing and then later vomiting back out? No, of course not. Just reading that sentence was disturbing enough. To be honest, writing it was difficult too.

Finally there’s a new, completely real medicine called TMI, which you can force your friend to take and get them to shut up for good. After completely numbing their entire insides (after all, that’s what they’ve been complaining about) TMI finds neuro-inhibitors in your friend’s brain and any time they start to talk about their cold again, forces them to talk instead about one of two topics everyone loves: bacon, and Tom Hanks.

Looks like this isn’t FDA approved (or real at all) but it’s pretty incredible technology, so these things take time.

CREDITS

Writer, Actor, Producer: Darren Miller
Editor: Isaac Sanchez

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They can’t all be winners

Valentine’s Day can be a bit of a slap in the face if you’re not part of a happy coupling, and looking back on it I realized I’ve had some abysmal Valentine’s Days, so in an attempt to make myself feel better I reached out to my twitter followers and my friends to ask for some of their worst V-Day stories. Folks, there were some doozies.

I’ll get us started.

One year my grandma invited me to dinner with her and my grandpa two weeks before Valentine’s Day because I guess she just assumed I wasn’t going to have anything going on. The next year she mailed me a Valentine’s Day card with a single movie pass in it so I could ‘take myself out’

- Gracie

The guy I was dating took me to dinner (Chili’s in case you were wondering) and 30 min after he dropped me off at home he called me and broke up with me

- Brandy

Sidelined during a V-Day threesome

- Karli

My dog ate the chocolates I got for my girlfriend and I didn’t know until he jumped up onto the bed while we were having sex and threw up all over us

- Ryan

On Valentine’s Day 2010 during the Olympics some guy got mad I didn’t acknowledge his flirtations so he literally hurled his bag of beers (like a 6 pack) at my face.... it hurt..... but not as much as watching him get pummeled by the bouncers

- Madison

I was in 2nd grade and got really excited because my dad and sister showed up to my class party. Turns out my dad was there to pick us up from school and take us home because my grandma had died

- Kathryn

I’ve only ever had one Valentine’s Day date and it was when me I held the door open for random girl that happened to walk into a Vietnamese restaurant at the same time as me and the waiters didn’t speak English so they seated us together after we asked them not to and we didn’t speak to each other the whole time and she split the check. It was nice

- Joey

I had just gotten dumped, it was my first year away for college, temperatures were -30 (Chicago winter) so my mom sent me Oreo Balls to cheer me up. The first one I bit into had half a toothpick in it and I had to go to immediate care to get it removed from the roof of my mouth

- Becky

A guy I’d been dating for *weeks* in high school got my garage code from my friend, snuck in, MADE MY BED, and then put candy in a heart shape with a note hidden somewhere in a small box. I was shook. I literally made him a transformers card. We did not last

- Victoria

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Happy Valentine’s Day, honey bunny!

Well, it’s February 14th, love is in the air, and now is the perfect time to show that special someone in your life just how much you mean to them. Sometimes, though, it’s hard to find the right words to say how you feel, so for that we have memes. Specifically - Nic Cage memes. Because what says “I love you” better than a National Treasure reference?

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Even if you don’t have a date at least you can have a laugh

Happy Valentine’s Day! Whether you’re single and elbow deep in a box of chocolates and need a laugh or on a bad date and need something to look at on your phone, these are tweets everyone can enjoy.

A romantic haiku poem for the holiday:
This Valentine's Day
I treat myself to ice cream
And Chinese buffet

— Austin Ross (@Noobzinthebakry) February 13, 2019

Valentine’s Day is the Comic Sans of holidays.

— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) February 14, 2018

If you feel so bad for single people then send single people cash on Valentine’s Day.

— (@thetrudz) February 13, 2019

Person: "You have any plans for Valentine's day?"

Me: pic.twitter.com/zpNUyrav9A

— Jack mull (@J4CKMULL) January 24, 2018

Complete lack of penetration and we can't even master BATE. Sums up my Valentine's Day.

— Terje (@ArsenalTerje) February 14, 2019

valentine's day is when ukulele girls are strongest, stay vigilant

— gracie hoos (@cottoncandaddy) February 14, 2019

If the guy I hooked up with in the bathroom of a McDonalds last month doesn’t text me Happy Valentine’s Day today I’m gonna fuckign LOSE my SHIT

— Abby Govindan (@abbygov) February 14, 2019

My wife said she's going to spend Valentine's Day at her boyfriend's house. I totally understand and support her decision.

— Barry McCockiner (@SportsTalkBarry) February 14, 2019

half off chocolate on February 15th. https://t.co/ECVkIH59TX

— Amara (@AmaraBaptist) January 22, 2018

Tomorrow is valentines and even tho I’m single pornhub premium will be free so I may still find love

— Vanic [▼] (@djvanic) February 14, 2018

"Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?"
Me: Yes... February 14th

— Zachary (@zacharywhyde) January 28, 2018
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