Loading...

Follow Evan Marc Katz Blog - Dating Coach on Feedspot

Continue with Google
Continue with Facebook
or

Valid

Meghan Daum is an author, a writing instructor, a former LA Times columnist and a Facebook friend, in that order. We haven’t met in real life. But I respect her work more than I can possibly say. Daum – like me – knows one mode: 100% honest.

I can cite a few of her recent posts on Medium that I loved but instead I want to focus on this piece from last fall, in which Daum makes the obvious (but wildly controversial!) assertion that even in this time of #MeToo and #BelieveWomen, women are also flawed human beings with the same ability to mistreat to a member of the opposite sex.

Daum knows that a sensitive reader will immediately engage in whataboutism – and simply revert back to what’s wrong with men…

“I’m cognizant of the fact that for every bad behavior I mentioned in my opening list of questions there is an equal, opposite, and potentially more physically threatening form of bad behavior that men can, and do, visit upon women with just as much frequency.

But that, right there, is precisely my point. In a free society, everyone, regardless of gender, or any other identification, is free to be a manipulative, narcissistic, emotionally destructive asshole. So I’m not sure why men have been getting all the credit lately.

The #BelieveWomen memes that have arisen in the wake of #MeToo in general, and the Brett Kavanaugh saga in particular, are coming from a place of empathy and good intentions. But they’re also stripping women of our complications and contradictions, and therefore our humanity.”

She continues:

Women are not simple, guileless creatures to whom only the most innocent motives should ever be ascribed. Both sexes contain multitudes.

#BelieveWomen, with its suggestion that women are some monolithic entity that is inherently more moral, innocent, or trustworthy than men, is not just reductive but insulting. Women are not simple, guileless creatures to whom only the most innocent motives should ever be ascribed. Both sexes contain multitudes. Or, as George Carlin put it, “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”…

Until it admits that women can be as manipulative and creepy and generally awful as men, the (#MeToo) movement will continue to send a message that we’re not really whole people. And why would anyone believe someone like that?

I’m a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and I have advocate for my women clients around the world for over 15 years. I’ve also dated a lot of women who, by any objective measure, were not always kind, honest, ethical, or reasonable at seeing other points of view or resolving conflict.

We cannot live in a world where a man is presumed guilty because he’s a man and a woman can do no wrong because she’s a woman. It’s important that liberal pundits like Daum continue to preach a more neutral tone on gender relations and politics.

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

The post Can Women Be Awful, Too? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

I’m 35, I’m from Germany, and admittedly some national clichés are very true: Germans don’t date well, have a sinister tendency and generally don’t deal with the opposite sex in a very playful way. I was the same, plus having had unhealthy codependent tendencies in my first marriage, that ended 4 years ago and left me devastated for quite a while. After that, there was another big heartbreak (I was “the other woman”, and of course he did not pick me in the end).

It was at that point that I decided I wanted to change myself and my luck in love, and especially reading “Why Did He Disappeared” brought deep healing for me in that regard.

So I started dating guys back at home and developed a fair amount of self-confidence in the process. I became naturally flirty, reconnected with my feminine side, and relentlessly weeded out those men who did not act consistently or showed major red flags — which, without being too picky, were all of them in the end, unfortunately.

Yet, I learned to bounce back quickly, and have build up a sturdy life for myself, i.e.: single girlfriends, reading group, a job that wasn’t horrible, family, etc.

Something was missing though. After 3 years of singledom, I decided to pack up my things and leave home to travel North America. I’ve always had a thing for the region, the language, the culture, the nature and I know it might sound funny, but I also feel like being here brings out the better aspects of my personality: optimism, friendliness, agency.

I started online dating while being stationed in a Canadian city for a while — I wanted to “practice” dating, so to speak, and was also interested in the cultural differences. And of course, despite not being after something too serious, I met the sweetest man…

2 months in, we both have developed deep feelings for one another. So the emotional basis is there: He makes me laugh, he treats me like gold (as you’d put it), he follows up, he talks about a possible future. We’re both painfully aware though that the circumstances are difficult, to say the least: My visa will expire, and I’d have to go back to Germany for one year at least to earn money for a big and final move to Canada.

My friends say I’m crazy to even consider it, and that — as a feminist — I should never rely on a man to provide all the social safety and support I’d have in my home town. To be honest, this aspect IS worrisome for me, but on the other hand, I am also quite sure that I won’t be happy dating back home again. I’m not a pessimist, but I tried and it was a bleak experience.

What is your advice here, Evan? Should I “follow my heart” and give up my life at home completely, or enjoy this relationship while it lasts and say goodbye to him when I have to leave the country? Or, as a third option, go back for the year and make the long-distance thing the litmus test for a possible future commitment?

I’m grateful for any insight! And let me say again: The man is amazing … but I’m scared sh*tless of this major life decision.

Thanks and warm wishes to you!

W

You should be scared sh*less of this major life decision. Nothing impacts your future happiness greater than whom you choose to marry.

Allow me play both sides of the fence for you and give you all the tools you need to make a choice. You’ll note that I have biases, too, but they’re not based on my personal preferences, they’re based on the statistical likelihood of a positive outcome – i.e. you getting happily married.

First of all, I’ve seen a number of long-distance relationships thrive and can always provide an anecdote that directly contradicts my own advice. But the same way we can point out that there are 70 degree days in January doesn’t negate the idea that most days in January are cold. And the fact is, most long-distance relationships are fraught with danger.

Moreover, one person has to take a big risk and uproot his/her life in order for the relationship to be successful.

Not because there’s anything inherently wrong with the people involved but because they’re sort of like simulated relationships until you’re in person full time.

Moreover, one person has to take a big risk and uproot his/her life in order for the relationship to be successful.

So, W, what percent of local relationships actually turn into marriage? I probably had a dozen girlfriends that I really liked for a month fizzle out before marriage. I don’t think that’s too unusual. So what are the odds that your “boyfriend” of two months is going to be a perfect fit for the next 50 years? No greater than the odds of any other boyfriend before. You’ve just had less of an opportunity to explore your incompatibilities because you’re too busy enjoying the ride.

And while I can cite my sister’s LDR as a shining example of how a woman can move 3000 miles to marry a man and live happily ever after, I can also cite a friend of mine who had a two month relationship on a business trip in Europe that led to 8 months of Skyping for 3 hours a day, which led to an engagement over the computer, which led to her moving to Los Angeles and moving in with her fiancé, which led to them breaking up about a month later because they really didn’t know what it was like to be together until they actually were.

This is the scenario I fear for you.

To circle back to your actual questions:

You don’t turn in your feminist card when you fall in love. Feminism is equal opportunity and making your own adult choices. That includes taking the risk to move to Canada in hopes that this guy is exactly what you need for the rest of your life.

Your belief that you won’t be happy dating at home again is more of a story than a reality. I’ve never met a woman who was happy dating in her city – New York, London, Sydney, Paris – all of my clients are convinced it’s better elsewhere. Newsflash: wherever you go, there you are. I thought after 300 dates, I had to move back to the East Coast. I married a woman from San Diego and we’ll live in Los Angeles until our house burns down. Point is that you may be right about your German stereotypes, but that doesn’t describe ALL men, just a subset of them. I can assure you that thousands of women will fall in love with men in Germany in the next month. You’re not that different than everyone else.

You’ve outlined three choices:

  1. Follow your heart and move to Canada.
  2. Say goodbye and return home to Germany.
  3. Stay committed long-distance for a year and figure out how to get back.

There’s one other choice you haven’t considered – or maybe you have – but you haven’t outlined it here.

Go with #1 – follow your heart – and realize that if your relationship doesn’t work, you can still build a life and fall in love with another man in Canada.

I’m not recommending this, by the way. If anything, I’m telling you that the most likely scenario is that he’s NOT your future husband. But if you’re going to spend your whole life with regrets that you didn’t explore it, maybe you owe it to yourself to take that chance for love, as risky as it may be.

As Marsha Sinetar talks about in “Do the Love and the Money Will Follow” and I mention in Love U, you can’t guarantee an outcome but you can feel good about your decision. Adopt a policy of “No Lose Decision Making” and trust that whatever you decide, it was well-reasoned and the right thing for you to do at this point in time. Good luck.

The post Should I Move to Another Country to Pursue a Long-Distance Relationship? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

The first time I remember hearing about consent guidelines was in 1990.

I was a freshman in college – binge-drinking, flirtatious, virginal freshman – when I read a story about Antioch College’s radical new sexual harassment policy in which men would have to ask a woman for verbal consent before initiating any physical advances.

As the link above suggests, it was widely mocked at the time, but in service of preventing date rape and lawsuits, affirmative consent has become the de facto policy for most universities. While Gen Xers like me aren’t entirely on board as a cohort, millions of millennials have been taught that this is the way sex starts – with a conversation.

That’s why I felt the need to share this link from Healthline called “What Is Consent?”

It’s a very thorough document that outlines exactly how these conversations should be taking place in every bedroom in the country, every single night.

After all, “If clear, voluntary, coherent, and ongoing consent is not given by all participants, it’s sexual assault. There’s no room for ambiguity or assumptions when it comes to consent, and there aren’t different rules for people who’ve hooked up before. Nonconsensual sex is rape.”

To be CRYSTAL clear, I don’t think any person in his/her right mind is defending sexual assault, suggesting that “no doesn’t mean no,” or denying a woman’s right to change her mind at any point in time during a sexual encounter. If a woman doesn’t want to proceed physically, she should make it known and the man should respect it.

The only reason I’m writing this post is that it feels like we’re setting some unrealistic to impossible standards for an act that, for most people, is driven by non-verbal communication. I certainly never felt I’ve sexually assaulted anyone – and I hope my wife and exes would concur, but by these standards, I’m probably guilty of…something.

Here are a couple of examples from the article:

“Silence is not consent. Never assume you have consent — you should clarify by asking.”

I have rarely asked, “May I kiss you.” I have never asked, “May I remove your bra?” or “May I unbuckle your belt?” I have certainly asked if I should reach for a condom, but definitely not every single time when I’m with a regular partner.

“Repeatedly asking someone to engage in a sexual act until they eventually say yes is not consent, it’s coercion.”

“Repeatedly asking someone to engage in a sexual act until they eventually say yes is not consent, it’s coercion.”

Many sexual experiences start with making out, which leads to heavy petting, which leads to clothing removal, which leads to some form of genital stimulation or penetration. This is all, by the way, consensual. But it doesn’t mean that either he/she planned it to happen this way or discussed it.

While we can all stand behind the concept of “no means no,” it’s disingenuous to suggest that all “nos” are created equal.

Sometimes, “no” means “I shouldn’t. It’s a first date.”

Sometimes “no” means, “I want to but I also want you to respect me.”

Sometimes “no” means, “Not now, but maybe a little later if I’m really turned on.”

So while the woman ALWAYS should have veto power, to suggest that if she slows him down when he’s kissing her neck, he should just stop there for the rest of the night is simply inconsistent with most people’s life experience. No sometimes means no. It also sometimes means maybe, especially when two people are kissing, not talking.

I suppose you can say this makes the case for verbal consent. I would only point out that while it’s important to teach men that it’s a woman’s right to say no or change her mind – I’m not positive that talking thru each step of sex every single time with a regular partner is either organic or realistic.

Then again, if a whole generation is being raised this way, perhaps that will become the new normal. Maybe sex, as my generation knew it, will change forever.

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

The post Should Men Have to Verbally Ask for Consent Before Having Sex? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 10 months. We met online, actually slept together on the first date, and ended up liking each other so much we decided to see it through.

At 2 weeks he finally told me he was a father to a 4 year old. Coming from divorced parents and growing up with a step mom I didn’t get along with, this was the exact situation I never wanted to be in. But I kept going because I liked him so much and later met his daughter and she’s PERFECT. I work with kids and have never met a kid so amazing before.

But soon after finding out the news about her I noticed my boyfriend had a TERRIBLE temper. He’s got a short fuse and he can be aggressive. He would never hurt me but has punched walls and gotten mad at my 3 dogs and even his dog. And has even gone out of his way to show people he means business when they cross him. It got to the point at the beginning I legitimately packed up and left his house in the middle of the night on two separate occasions because he was acting up so badly. Not to mention over the first few months we had so many “are we gonna break up” conversations due to it.

I also wonder how much we have in common. I’m definitely a more introverted, hold things in, care taker, animal lover, chill person. He’s extremely outgoing, if he thinks of something he has to say something (sometimes its things to me that don’t need to be said), can be controlling and selfish (also in bed too), and he doesn’t like my dogs (but has gotten better with them). It’s just hard to find things to do together or be on the same page about at times.

But things have definitely changed and gotten better as time has gone on. We’ve found that we love travelling together, we ride motorcycles together, we love doing every day things together like cleaning, grocery shopping, the dishes, washing the dogs, making playlists, found one TV show we can agree on and watch together, etc. We’ve met each other’s parents. Gone to family events. My parents love him but his parents have just recently started to like me. But the biggest change is that I SEE HIM TRYING. I see him changing. I see him becoming less selfish when he thinks of things for me or us before I even do, I see him becoming less angry when he asks me how to handle things first or he stays calm during rough times, I see him putting his life together because he wants me in it. And so on. He’s grown soooo drastically much all because he loves me. He even told me he loved me and wanted to marry months before I told him anything back.

My boyfriend has made the conscientious decision to be a better human being and boyfriend because he feels that I’m the one.

But where I’m having trouble is the fact that I don’t know if he is. I had trouble saying I love you to him for a long time because of the anger. Once he started to work on it, I saw through it and fell in love. But part of me worries it will never go away. Part of me is afraid that I’m gonna get stuck with someone so upset at the world…. but then again I see how much he’s changed and he never relapses. He gets better every day and is purposely working on it and making an effort.

And then as I said, I adore his daughter but I still have some lingering feelings about my own childhood. When I’m with her I feel like I could be a step mom… but when she’s not around-it’s just not what I want… especially because my boyfriend wants to wait 8-10 years to even have kids with me.

I know I love him. I see the good in him and he has a lot of qualities that I adore and want in my life. I can legitimately say that over time he’s become my best friend. And we know everything about each other. But I worry I love him because of his love for me. I worry that I love just having someone and the fact that he tries so hard for me feels nice. That it’s nice to be loved to the point someone becomes better, not only for me, but for themselves. I worry I’m attracted to the work he puts into us.

It’s just he’s so sure and wants to be husband and wife soon and I keep asking to push it back. I don’t know if the child and the anger are clouding my judgment or if the universe is telling me that it’s not him… and instead it’s just the way he’s there for me. But either way I don’t want to let him go… it’s like I’m stuck in limbo.

So I have a few questions: How do you know if you love someone for the right reasons? And if you found the one? And can the one be a mess at one point and turn into the right man as time goes on? What if loving someone isn’t enough? And do you have any advice or know anything about if your childhood really can screw up your judgment for love (and how to get past it)?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and I hope to hear from you,
Arianna

I have an adage: you can’t have a relationship dependent upon someone changing for you.

Any time a woman tells me her relationship is pretty good but it’ll be REALLY good once her partner changes, what she’s actually saying is that right now, the relationship is NOT great, so she’s going to keep her fingers crossed that her partner becomes a different person soon.

I printed your whole email without editing, Arianna, to allow you to illustrate – better than I could – the flaws in this thinking.

To your credit, you’re self-aware. You know that you may only be with him because he wants to be with you. You know that someone with anger issues doesn’t just drop them entirely because he’s married. You know that your current situation isn’t sustainable and that waiting 8-10 years to have your own kids is a ridiculous proposition.

But you don’t want to leave him because to leave him would mean to start over, to get back out to dating men who don’t try as hard, to take the risk that you’re not ever going to find a man like this again.

It’s common to think that way but it’s a limiting belief.

If you could cement your relationship EXACTLY the way it is right now and keep it that way for the rest of your life, would you be happy?

So allow me to ask you one question that will determine what you should do next:

If you could cement your relationship EXACTLY the way it is right now and keep it that way for the rest of your life, would you be happy?

Or is your happiness dependent upon him eradicating his anger, stifling his criticism, warming up to your dogs, being a more generous lover, and having more of a connection that doesn’t require you to strain to find things in common?’

Because, at the end of the say, it doesn’t matter what you think “the right reasons” are for getting married, or whether there is “the one” or, in fact, many ones. What matters is that you’re HAPPY and are with a man who organically makes you happy 90+% of the time. You’re right that loving someone isn’t enough; every single divorced couple was once in love.

What determines your fate over the next forty years isn’t him; it’s YOU, Arianna. Choose wisely and you’ll have an amazing life. Stay in a highly flawed relationship because you’re afraid you can’t do any better, and, in fact, you won’t do any better.

The post Can I Expect My Devoted But Angry Boyfriend To Grow Into A Good Husband Over Time? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

You ever hear someone say, “Dating sucks in (fill-in-your-city-here)”

I do every day. I’ve written, ad nauseum, about the value of connection, of slowing down a beat, of screening men prior to first dates, to using conversation instead of text as a primary form of communication. And yet people still insist they have no choice but to Tinder and text because that’s what everyone else is doing.

Well maybe – just maybe – people are starting to think for themselves and are ready to take more control of their destiny. Witness this Wall Street Journal article on “slow dating.” (Personally, I just call it “dating.”)  Here are the opening paragraphs:

“Dating sucks in New York,” says Casey-Leigh Jordan, a 31-year-old manager at a hair salon New York City. “There are so many options, and it can be really overwhelming.”

Millennials like her who have spent years rapidly swiping through singles are looking to slow down dating. Zeroing in on fewer possible partners with more potential feels like a relief to them.

After struggling to meet people without apps, she downloaded the app Hinge, which seemed like a happy medium. The app’s incorporation of icebreaker questions and more detailed profiles made her connections feel more substantial…Millennials like her who have spent years rapidly swiping through singles are looking to slow down dating. Zeroing in on fewer possible partners with more potential feels like a relief to them.

When my clients work with me, we rebrand them online and suddenly they’re getting more attention than ever before. That doesn’t mean they’re going on more dates though. With my help, they go on fewer, high-quality dates with men who sustain an effort.

The guy who gives you his number, tells you to text him and pushes you to meet him ASAP for coffee? He’s history. But if you keep swiping and texting and rewarding men who make no effort, nothing will ever change. In short, don’t blame men for acting this way on Tinder; blame yourself for giving not insisting on better treatment.

The article continues, talking about a “better” app known as Hinge:

“Hinge saw its user base grow by more than 400% after redesigning the platform in 2017 to eliminate its swiping feature after learning 80% of its users had never found a long-term relationship on a dating app, according to Justin McLeod, Hinge’s CEO and co-founder. The changes were meant to foster more selectivity. Heterosexual men swipe right or “like” 70% of women on swiping apps but “like” just 20% on Hinge, he says.

“This is a more natural approach and it’s what we should have been doing all along,” she says. “It is a sad millennial age we live in when we are already addicted to our phones and we are relying on our phones to make our dating decisions.”

Amen. Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

The post Are Dating Apps and Texting Working For You? If Not, There’s An Alternative. appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

Rich older men, beautiful younger women.

It’s a business model as old as time.

He gets what he wants – youth, validation, and sex with someone largely unattainable.

She gets what she wants – money, security, and access to a world that is largely unattainable.

Whether this tradeoff makes for healthy long-term relationships is another story, but it’s safe to say that, as far as short-term exchanges go, men turning money into sex is big business. It’s not quite prostitution, but it’s not quite NOT prostitution.

Enter “Sugar Daddies” – men who essentially put younger women on their payroll and lavish them with material goods in exchange for company (and, most often, sex.)

The New York Times wrote up this story a few months back and I found it sordidly compelling enough to share with you.

The moment you give sex, you have lost all your power

In an interview with The Times, Brandon Wade, the founder of SeekingArrangement, said his dating platform, which he has rebranded as Seeking, is not a vehicle for prostitution. The terms of service, he said, prohibit transactions for sex; the site simply seeks to bring the role that money plays in mating out in the open. “We want to drive people to talk honestly on the first date about who they are and what they expect to gain from a relationship, just like you discuss in any business relationship and any business arrangement,” he said.

If anything, a “sugar baby” hoping to find a lasting arrangement with “a good provider” should withhold sex for as long as possible, said the thrice-divorced Mr. Wade, who also runs other dating sites including OpenMinded.com, which promotes so-called “ethical cheating.” “The moment you give sex, you have lost all your power,” he said.

And if that quote doesn’t get you ready to comment below, here’s how the article ends:

“Women are stigmatized and seen as repulsive and worthless when using their bodies to support themselves,” Ms. Fowles said. “I was in a tough place financially, and I am O.K. with my decisions. Women have sex with vile men all the time so why shouldn’t we be paid for it if we choose? I don’t deserve to be shamed for it, or scammed because of it.”

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

The post Is It Icky for Men to Pay Women For Their Company (and Sex?) appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

I’m really attracted to someone I work with. I’ve had feelings for him for years however I’ve always hidden this. I need a man to pursue me and I’m incapable of flirting! As he’s never asked me out (despite previously showing interest in my hobbies, staring at me, etc.) I felt his attraction wasn’t strong enough and it was better to keep a distance.

Because of my defensiveness, I don’t think he even likes me, despite seeming to when we first met. He also really objects to the fact that I’m a feminist and insists on opening doors,etc even though I object.

This and the fact that he finds me opinionated and I find him rude, means I don’t see a point in trying to date and I doubt he’ll ever ask. I don’t think I can put in the work necessary to reverse his opinion of me – I’m too afraid of rejection. Currently, if asked, most people would say I dislike him and I’m sure that’s what he thinks. I take comfort in this as I don’t look desperate!

I just wonder how I can get over him? I’ve tried dating others and focusing on his faults but it’s been years and I always end up focusing on him again! He’s smart, gorgeous and funny and although I’d never admit it publicly, in many ways my dream guy.

I argue against his patronizing, traditional, view of women, whilst secretly wishing he’d buy me flowers and make me his girlfriend and his wife. I’d be humiliated if he ever guessed any of this and I doubt I’d like it in reality. I just keep fantasizing about it.

I’m 29 and I really want children soon. How can I rid myself of this stupid crush and focus on more suitable men?

Scarlet

I’ll admit: my head almost exploded from reading your letter, Scarlet.

There were so many twists and turns, it was like riding a roller coaster while watching a soap opera while dropping acid. To briefly recap:

You’re attracted to a guy that you find rude.

You think he doesn’t like you because you’re an opinionated feminist.

You don’t see a point in trying to date him.

You don’t think it’s worth the effort.

You’re not a good flirt and are afraid of rejection.

Most importantly, he’s had years to ask you out and has never done so.

Naturally, you want to know how to get over this man you don’t like who shows no interest in you. Because even though everyone thinks you dislike him – and you admit he’s traditional and patronizing– you keep fantasizing about him and want to marry him.

If your head is spinning, Scarlet, you’re not alone. But I’m going to do my best, in spite of the fact that hard to give advice to someone who doesn’t know what she wants.

What you’re experiencing, alas, is not altogether unusual. It’s just love/hate relationships seem to happen a lot more on the silver screen than they do in real life. From my own personal experience, most of the women I’ve liked, I actually LIKED.

But here’s the thing: I suspect you really DO like him, that you are attracted to him, and that, more than anything, this scares and bothers you. Attraction is a funny thing, an involuntary feeling that defies all logic. And you, like all the readers who are reading this and shaking their heads at your plight, can’t help how you feel about this one guy.

Because what you’re attracted to and what’s good and healthy are two separate things that only occasionally overlap.

What you – and they – have a hard time understanding is that attraction is just a feeling. It’s not your destiny.  You do NOT have to marry the person you find MOST attractive in the world. In fact, I’d dare say that you’re better off not even trying. Which means that there are millions of happily married couples who – gasp! – are MORE attracted to other people than their own spouses – and yet their relationships work. How can that be?

Because what you’re attracted to and what’s good and healthy are two separate things that only occasionally overlap.

If you were to snap your fingers and marry this guy tomorrow (Don’t worry, you’re not. This is just a hypothetical.), you’d be really excited and maybe even happy that you landed a smart, gorgeous, funny guy. But I can promise you, it wouldn’t take too long to see that if this guy had retrograde views of women in the office, it would certainly spill over into your marriage, rendering your love/hate relationship into a hate/love relationship.

This, by the way, is how a majority of divorces happen – two people marry because of attraction and discover they’re incompatible when it’s too late.

You have the distinct advantage of realizing this in advance and recognizing this as the lustful, ill-fated crush that it is.

You also have the distinct advantage of this guy not being remotely interested so hopefully it should be easier to move onto a guy who IS interested in you.

Finally – and perhaps most importantly – you’re 29 years old. Here’s what that means:

  • Go on a date per week until you find a boyfriend who treats you like gold and also wants marriage and children.
  • Date him for 2+years to ensure you’re making a smart choice for the next 40 years.
  • Move in for six months, if it’s still good, get engaged, if it’s still good, get married.
  • Spend a couple of years married to enjoy life before children come along.

That means you don’t have to panic – and it also means you should start proactively dating other men to put this crush behind you ASAP.

The post I Have a Crush on a Guy I Don’t Even Like and Can’t Get Over It! appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

I’ve gotten a lot of flak on YouTube for my No More Bad Dates TEDx Talk, in which I lay out my keenly observed theories that:

  1. Most people’s online dating profiles suck.
  2. Men get rejected more than you can possibly imagine.
  3. Because of this high rejection rate, they’re disincentivized from spending a lot of time on each individual woman.
  4. As such, men want “speed” – to spend as little time as possible on phone/email/text and meet in person to see if there’s chemistry, preferably without spending money.
  5. This system is not good for women – who deserve to have a man make some time and energy investment before meeting him for a first date – lest she go on an endless series of blind coffee dates with swipe-right guys on Tinder.
  6. Because men and women have slightly different goals, there needs to be a middle ground where men can move quickly AND women can screen for trust and comfort.
  7. The best way to do this is outlined in Finding the One Online, Volume 4 – and is called the 2/2/2 Rule – a couple emails back and forth on the dating site, a couple emails back and forth on Gmail, a couple of phone calls (or even just one), followed by a date. That ensures a real personal connection BEFORE you meet and makes a first date feel more like a second date.

2/2/2 is designed to AVOID TEXTING because texting is the death of healthy communication.

Unmentioned in all of that is this: 2/2/2 is designed to AVOID TEXTING because texting is the death of healthy communication. This is not some old, married, luddite position; this is literally what I hear from thousands of women who have text-only “boyfriends” and who have serious relationship discussions by text. You know why? Because you use texting as a primary form of communication instead of just a tool to say, “Running late!” or “Thinking of you!”

All of this seems to be objectively true, but damn, if people aren’t going to double down on the very tools that cause them the most angst – dating apps and texting.

Which is why I found this article by Claire Artschwager in New York Magazine so refreshing. It’s called, “Dating Without Texting Is the Absolute Best.”

There’s a lot of good stuff in there, but here’s the money quote: “My mind wasn’t filled with worry over when he would text me or whether I should text him.”

Yep. That’s texting. An ever-present power struggle based on who contacted whom last and in how much time. By writing regular emails (I know!) and scheduling time to talk on the phone, you avoid all of this bullshit and get to know someone infinitely better than you can when you’re both texting a dozen people at once.

And if this advice irks you because you think I don’t get it, that’s fine. Literally, ALL of my clients complain about texting so I wouldn’t think this would be the strategy to double down on. So let’s agree to this. If you insist on using text as a primary form of communication, I don’t judge you – as long as it’s working and you’re happy. And if you discover you’re constantly anxious from the churn of texting strangers from dating apps, maybe you’ll consider replacing texting with something more intimate and personal.

Your thoughts, as always, are greatly appreciated.

The post Why You Must STOP Texting As Your Primary Form of Communication appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

I started dating this guy on May 9th, 2017. We dated for 10 months and broke up and after that we’ve been on and off. All those times we’ve been together he never once posted me on his Snapchat and Instagram. He posts everything else but me and I just don’t understand.

Like I know I shouldn’t base our relationship off social media but do you think I’m wasting my time with this person? We have decided to get back together and I really want it to work but it’s like it’s 2 years and he still doesn’t post about me? I have brought it up to him like how it is so easy for him to post about his female friend but so hard for him to post me?

Irankuda

Ah, Millennial problems…

I tease because I love, Irankuda.

I can understand why it would be painful to not be publicly acknowledged by the guy you’re dating for a year and a half. You’re not wrong to wonder if this is normal or healthy.

But I also suspect you know that you’re asking the wrong question, which is not about social media at all, but about your status, security and future with this man.

The Instagram stuff is just a symptom of the disease, it’s not the disease itself.

And to put it bluntly: it ain’t good.

The Instagram stuff is just a symptom of the disease, it’s not the disease itself. The disease is that you know the exact day you “started” dating this guy, but you can’t even call him your boyfriend, you’re on and off for two years, and you’re asking a dating coach whether you’re wasting your time with this person.

I’m generally not one to give validation but here it goes, anyway.

Yes, my friend. You are wasting your time with this person.

Your future husband will ask you to be his girlfriend in a month, post about you proudly and never break up with you once.

You just have to kick this guy to the curb in order to meet him. Good luck.

The post Is There Something Wrong If the Guy I’m Seeing Doesn’t Post Me on Instagram? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

As a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women, I am well aware of the myriad problems you have with men.

How they sleep with you without commitment.

How they seem like they’re into you but they’re not.

How they communicate by only text.

How they are always attracted to other women and often cheat.

How they can be critical, abusive, and selfish.

How they can date you forever without wanting to get married.

No one is arguing this. But the only advice for handling one these guys is to leave and find a guy who treats you better. Really. There’s nothing else to say.

But because of the existence of men like this, women often feel like they have to be on high alert. To scrutinize his behavior. To protect your heart. To guard yourself from wasting time.

That’s where you end up with articles like this.

It’s a completely cringeworthy list of 22 rules some young woman set for her boyfriend, including:

You are not to look at a single girl.

You are not allowed to drink unless I am with you.

You are never to take longer than 10 minutes to text me back.

Good grief.

The only thing surprising to me is the title, “Controlling Girl Set 22 Rules For Her Boyfriend, So The Internet Gave Him Some Surprising Advice.”

It’s surprising that the internet told a man to dump a woman who treats him like a prisoner? Really? Is that how far we’ve come in our gender wars?

It’s surprising that the internet told a man to dump a woman who treats him like a prisoner? Really? Is that how far we’ve come in our gender wars?

Women who support women like this are like those who support our president knowing all of this – willing to throw all reason aside to stay loyal to their side.

The justification? The other side is WORSE so let’s ignore morality.

Sorry, y’all, but it’s not.

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

The post When Women Try To Control Men Out of Fear appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

Read Full Article

Read for later

Articles marked as Favorite are saved for later viewing.
close
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

Separate tags by commas
To access this feature, please upgrade your account.
Start your free month
Free Preview