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I’ve never cheated on anybody. Nor, to my knowledge, have I been with any woman who was cheating on her boyfriend. For most of my life, I thought that was normal. But the longer I do this, the more women I encounter who have not only slept with married men, but are in active relationships with married men. All are waiting for their married men to leave their wives (which they won’t) and willfully ignoring that the man they love has already proven himself to be the worst thing a boyfriend can be: unfaithful. But, as we’ll explore momentarily: there are many reasons that a man may be unfaithful.

The longer I do this, the more women I encounter who have not only slept with married men, but are in active relationships with married men.

Enter Karin Jones, writing a piece for the New York Times Modern Love column called “What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity.”

Jones had little dating experience outside her failed 23-year-marriage and all she wanted was sex, so she turned to the men who were least likely to want to commit: married men.

Says Jones, “What surprised me was that these husbands weren’t looking to have more sex. They were looking to have any sex. I met one man whose wife had implicitly consented to her husband having a lover because she was no longer interested in sex, at all. They both, to some degree, got what they needed without having to give up what they wanted. But the other husbands I met would have preferred to be having sex with their wives. For whatever reason, that wasn’t happening.”

To her credit, Jones doesn’t point the finger at either women or men for the loss of desire within a relationship, because, well, it’s pretty universal. What she does effectively – thru her experience sleeping with married men – is touch upon the real problem here: nobody seems capable of talking about sex in a rational way.

“We all go through phases of wanting it and not wanting it. I doubt most women avoid having sex with their husbands because they lack physical desire in general; we are simply more complex sexual animals. Which is why men can get an erection from a pill but there’s no way to medically induce arousal and desire in women.

I am not saying the answer is non-monogamy, which can be rife with risks and unintended entanglements. I believe the answer is honesty and dialogue, no matter how frightening. Lack of sex in marriage is common, and it shouldn’t lead to shame and silence. By the same token, an affair doesn’t have to lead to the end of a marriage. What if an affair — or, ideally, simply the urge to have one — can be the beginning of a necessary conversation about sex and intimacy?

What these husbands couldn’t do was have the difficult discussion with their wives that would force them to tackle the issues at the root of their cheating. They tried to convince me they were being kind by keeping their affairs secret. They seemed to have convinced themselves. But deception and lying are ultimately corrosive, not kind.”

Is it okay to have an affair if your partner has turned away from sex?

What do you think? Have you ever been in a sexless relationship? Is it okay to have an affair if your partner has turned away from sex? Why is it so hard for the most intimate of couples to talk about the reality of waning desire? Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

The post The Reason (Some) Men Cheat Is Not What You Think appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

     
 
 
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I’m a 30-year-old straight woman. I was married at 21 and divorced at 28, then spent a bit of time on my own before meeting a man I really care for, but I’m uncertain how to face some decisions about the future. Here’s the data: we’ve been together 8 months. He is 36, kind and supportive toward me, extremely available, a therapist. Hilarious, deeply caring, gets my weird quirks, and the sex is incredible. He’s made it clear he wants a future with me. I adore him, and yet it feels like the list of things I would want to be different about him is too long. He often comes across as arrogant with others, which drives me NUTS. He can be an insufferable know-it-all. He is less financially responsible than me. Immature, in certain ways. Has ADHD and can’t seem to plan a date for us to save his life, even when I ask. He has a big personality, and I sometimes feel ‘small’ and less confident in his presence. Most of the activities we do together reflect his interests, which weirdly I have just started doing rather than suggesting my own activities for us. (Yes, I’m seeing a therapist.) He’s vegan and I’m not, and we’ve worked it out, but I wonder about what would happen if we had kids (which he has also said he is open to doing with me). Basically, I’m not sure if we have shared values. We don’t live together yet. I’m thinking of moving to a new city (I still live in my hometown and am desperate to get out). When I picture myself there, I don’t really see him with me. But I’m not sure why. Do I take the plunge and invite him? Or should I end it, because I’m a terrible asshole for having such overwhelming doubts about this basically great guy? 

Addie

On behalf of arrogant insufferable know-it-alls, you’re not a terrible asshole, Addie.

You’re just a woman who hasn’t met her husband yet. And that’s okay.

Your marriage took up your twenties. You certainly learned something from that.

Now, you’re in your first real post-marriage relationship and you’ve discovered that it’s…good, but not great.

This is the point where we need to distinguish between a great GUY and a great RELATIONSHIP.

This is the point where we need to distinguish between a great GUY and a great RELATIONSHIP.

For all I know, your hilarious, caring, sexy man IS a great guy, despite his flaws. But what I’m gathering from the tone of your email is that, as you’ve gotten to know him better over eight months, you’ve come to the unfortunate conclusion that he’s not a great guy for YOU.

Maybe he is for a day, a week, a month, or a year. But if you don’t see yourself with him long-term for whatever reason, that is some powerful data to pay attention to.

Listen, you ably articulated what you like and don’t like about this guy. No one – not even him – would be able to argue with your assessment.

Thus, it doesn’t matter if you feel like an asshole for passing him up and allowing him to condescend to another woman for the rest of his life; you’re doing the right thing.

Marriage isn’t about whether an individual guy is funny, kind, or great in bed, although, to be happy, you’ll have to get those needs met. Like I say in my free online training, marriage is basically about whether your respective puzzle pieces fit together seamlessly. From what you wrote, it sounds like there are a bunch of outstanding edges that are not meshing well, all which will drive you crazy if you ignore them now. I would tender the guess that you ignored a lot of things in your marriage as well.

Marriage is basically about whether your respective puzzle pieces fit together seamlessly.

Trust your gut, leave the guy, move to your new city, and find someone who makes you feel like the best version of yourself. When you do, I promise, you won’t need to write to a dating coach for guidance on what to do next.

The post I Have Lots of Doubts About a Great Guy. How Do I Decide Whether to Stay or Go? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

     
 
 
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It’s no secret that the New York Times is my main news source, but you may be surprised to know that my favorite op-ed columnists are moderate conservatives, Bret Stephens and David Brooks. I don’t necessarily agree with their politics, but they’re sober, thoughtful and logical writers who speak for a healthy middle ground that often gets lost in political discussions.

Stephens, in particular, has been on fire ever since the Times hired him last year – taking on both the far right and far left in equal measures. The address he gave to the University of Michigan in February, entitled “Free Speech and the Necessity of Discomfort” might be the best summation of my own feelings on the subject.

In it, he explores a subject near and dear to my liberal heart – the perpetual, problematic, embarrassing outrage by the far left over anything it doesn’t like. I’ve watched it happen to most of my ideological thought leaders: Stephen Colbert, Sam Harris, Bill Maher and Andrew Sullivan. All are thoughtful liberal-thinking pundits who have – at one time or another – been labeled racist or sexist for nothing more than making a joke, speaking an uncomfortable biological truth, or defending others rights to do so.

On the surface, this has nothing to do with dating and relationships, but, in fact, everything has to do with dating and relationships. Life is about relationships. Listening to others. Trying to understand their perspectives. Looking for common ground. Seeing the good in others instead of assuming that any disagreement is tantamount to war.

Life is about relationships. Listening to others. Trying to understand their perspectives. Looking for common ground.

For a long time, I dismissed people who were hostile to women, gays, blacks, Muslims, Jews, etc – by saying, “It is not intolerant to be intolerant of intolerance.” I still believe that we should not tolerate intolerance. But recently, the left has been blazing its own trail of intolerance by turning its allies into enemies – witness the recent exchange between Sam Harris and Ezra Klein.

In it, Harris defended another sociologist’s right to report data that intimates that there may be IQ differences between races. And because Harris defends this sociologist’s right to see where the data leads – even if the result is uncomfortable – Klein smears Harris as a racist himself – a label that’s nearly impossible to wash away once the accusation has been leveled. This is happening everywhere and the effects are chilling. It’s why I passed up an opportunity to go on CNN to talk about #MeToo. Anything I say to defend men like myself is potential fuel for someone who wants to label me as part of the problem.

“Either agree with us in lockstep or shut up!” seems to be the party line. That’s no good.

Says Stephens in his Michigan address: “The answer to a politics of right-wing illiberalism is not a politics of left-wing illiberalism. It is a politics of liberalism, period. This is politics that believes in the virtues of openness, reason, toleration, dissent, second-guessing, respectful but robust debate, individual conscience and dignity, a sense of decency and also a sense of humor. In a word, Enlightenment. It’s a capacious politics, with plenty of room for the editorials of, say, The New York Times and those of The Wall Street Journal. And it is an uncomfortable politics, because it requires that each side recognize the rights and legitimacy, and perhaps even the value, of the other.”

Like Harris, I’m a pragmatic liberal who, above all, values truth and rational debate. For the most part, this blog and the comments reflect that. But every once in awhile you’ll notice women commenters dismissing the views of male commenters, male commenters dismissing the views of female commenters, and both sides occasionally attacking me as if I’m driven by ideology rather than truth. This is what I want to call attention to. This is what I’m trying to eradicate.

We will never get anywhere as a country if we can’t acknowledge uncomfortable truths.

We will never get anywhere as a country if we can’t acknowledge uncomfortable truths.

Guns DO kill people. Liberals ARE turning allies into enemies. Radical Muslims DO hold beliefs including stoning for adultery and apostasy. Trump IS a liar. Men and women ARE different.

It’s not that we can’t make good faith arguments as to why the 2nd amendment is important, liberals are consistently on the side of human rights, many Muslims (especially in the US) don’t have radical beliefs, Trump appeals to many people with his MAGA rhetoric, and men and women share more in common than they have different.

But if we can’t listen to both sides of the argument; if, just by acknowledging the truth of the other side, you’re a heretic, well, it says a lot about what ails our society. I would hope that my regular readers will read the Bret Stephens piece and won’t give me any grief for writing this piece, but if you cherry pick something in this piece that triggers you and use it as an attack on my character, guess what?

You’re the reason I felt compelled to write this at all.

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

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Recently, I finally left my verbally abusive/cheating boyfriend. It took me longer than it should have to get the courage to break up with him, but when I finally did it I felt a huge relief… And to put the icing on the cake, almost immediately after that I met a really nice guy who has clearly shown that he wants to pursue me and has hopes for marriage. I’ve told him I am not ready to dive into anything serious right away, as I need to heal from my last relationship’s trauma, and I also want to feel okay being on my own. Still, we’ve gone out casually a few times, and although I’ve told him I need to go slow, I definitely get the impression he’s already planning our wedding and future. In spite of his not at all being my physical type, I’ve been attracted to him because of his kindness, clear intentions, life goals, etc… Until today. On our fourth date (we went to church together), I suddenly came to the realization that I feel absolutely no attraction to him whatsoever. I’ve read some of your posts about attraction and understand that it is something that some people can either get over, and some people can’t, but I’m not sure why I suddenly feel such a drastic change overnight. Since I just left an abusive relationship, I’m confused about my feelings; is the problem my inability to find a nice guy attractive, do I feel smothered by his intensity, or do I simply not feel a romantic connection? I am starting to see a therapist to work through my experience with my ex, but wonder what I should do about this really nice guy… Is it worth giving him a chance and seeing if my feelings change? Should I just tell him I don’t feel it for him, after all? Thanks for your help! 

~Katie

Since I’m not a psychologist, Katie, I’m largely going to stay in my lane and tell you what I’ve noticed as a dating coach for fifteen years. It may or may not square with what a psychologist trained in abusive relationships may tell you, so take it with a grain of salt.

“Is the problem my inability to find a nice guy attractive, do I feel smothered by his intensity, or do I simply not feel a romantic connection?”

Yes, yes, and yes.

Without getting too deep into attachment theory, as a victim of abuse, you may associate love with bad behavior. Where other women may find a verbally abusive/cheating man unappealing, you may have felt that this is just what relationships are all about. You fall in love. You’re wildly attracted to someone. He treats you like shit. You stick it out because that’s how relationships are, or because you don’t know if you can do better, or because you’re afraid to be alone, or because you somehow suspect this is all you deserve. Abuse does a real number on women and what you’re left with is a sort of PTSD when it comes to men and relationships.

Where other women may find a verbally abusive/cheating man unappealing, you may have felt that this is just what relationships are all about.

You’re so used to being attracted to a man who exhibited cruel, unpredictable behavior that when you finally meet someone who treats you with consistency and kindness, it’s confusing.

Imagine learning that everything you believed about love was wrong; that’s the state you’re in right now. You’re going to need to rewire yourself to be attracted to men of high character and it will not happen overnight. Your therapist should be valuable in this endeavor.

That said, your other questions are perfectly fair and should not be discounted. Which is to say that EVERYONE gets turned off when someone’s feelings seem disproportionately intense, but especially a woman with your background. If you’re used to being treated poorly, being put up on a pedestal by a total stranger is going to be more jarring than it might be for someone else.

Factor in the distinct possibility that you objectively have no romantic connection, which isn’t anybody’s fault, but a biological reality, and I hope you can see the value of letting yourself off the hook on this one.

This guy may be doing everything right, but just like your evil ex wasn’t the last man on earth, I can promise you, there’ll be other nice guys who come along where attraction won’t be an issue.

I can promise you, there’ll be other nice guys who come along where attraction won’t be an issue.

Long story short – there’s a lot going on in your head right now, but you should not have to talk yourself into being attracted to someone just because he’s nice.

Never ever ever.

Healthy relationships are marked by attraction AND a lack of anxiety

Keep looking until you find both.

The post Has My Abusive and Cheating Ex-Boyfriend Ruined Me for Other Men? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

     
 
 
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Every so often, I receive an application from a woman who wants private coaching who is torn: invest into finding lasting love or freeze her eggs to potentially have children. If she has a finite amount of money, as most of us do, it’s often an either/or.

I’m aware of the potential conflict of interest in giving advice in this situation, but my opinion has never wavered: the best thing you can do – and the surest ticket to long-term happiness is to become happily married and then figure out how to start a family together – IVF, adoption, surrogacy, etc. And yet, for many women who long to have their own biological children and see their window closing, they opt to freeze their eggs first and try to find a guy later.

The best thing you can do – and the surest ticket to long-term happiness is to become happily married and then figure out how to start a family together – IVF, adoption, surrogacy, etc.

Perhaps this article will give them pause.

It’s the story of Brigette Adams, who spent $19,000 to freeze 11 eggs in her late 30’s, only to discover, at age 45, that her insurance policy wasn’t as airtight as she thought.

“Two eggs failed to survive the thawing process. Three more failed to fertilize. That left six embryos, of which five appeared to be abnormal. The last one was implanted in her uterus. On the morning of March 7, she got the devastating news that it, too, had failed.”

This is not an uncommon story.

“James A. Grifo, a fertility specialist at NYU Langone Health who is one of the pioneers of the procedure, calls the whole notion of being able to “control” your fertility — perpetuated by the media and embraced by feminists — destructive.

“It’s total fiction. It’s incorrect,” Grifo said. “Your whole life it’s beaten into your head that you’re in control and if you can’t have a baby, you blame yourself. There has to be more dialogue about what women can be responsible for and what they are not responsible for.”

To be clear, it’s not that egg freezing is a bad option. If you freeze your eggs when you’re under 35, you have a very high likelihood of fertilizing them. Those numbers drop steadily through age 45, when harvesting 6 eggs only offer a 5% chance at a live birth. For a fortysomething woman counting on egg-freezing to save the day, that can be a rude awakening.

“Individual clinics are often reluctant to share their own information, she said, and many don’t refer patients to academic studies that attempt to quantify the probability of success. Only a few such studies exist: A 2016 Fertility and Sterility study of 137 women who tried to use their frozen eggs found that women who froze 10 eggs at the age of 36 faced a 30 percent likelihood of achieving a live birth. Last year, researchers writing in Human Reproduction calculated that the same women should have a 60 percent success rate based on their mathematical model.”

A 100% drop between the mathematical model and reality; that’s a pretty big difference between what doctors hope will happen and what actually happens.

The decision to conceive a child without a father is an intensely personal one, and the only person who has the right to make that decision is the woman involved. Still, I think it’s essential that women start with a full set of facts.

The fact is that egg freezing has a highly variable success rate, dependent upon the age of the woman and the availability of viable eggs.

The fact is that telling a guy you’ve frozen your eggs is NOT a huge selling point. I’ve seen women put this in their profiles as if it would attract a 40-year-old man who wants to be a father. It’s not. He’s still going to reach out to women 25-35 if he wants time to fall in love and get married without the iffy nature of egg freezing determining his future.

The fact is that telling a guy you’ve frozen your eggs is NOT a huge selling point. I’ve seen women put this in their profiles as if it would attract a 40-year-old man who wants to be a father. It’s not.

The fact is that even if you have a child, dating as a single mom to an infant or toddler is extremely challenging, and most men will tend to avoid the situation, if possible.

Once again, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t freeze your eggs. If anything, you should just realize the limitations of egg freezing while weighing your options.

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

The post Freezing Your Eggs Doesn’t Always Work Out appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

     
 
 
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I am a 44-year old, highly educated woman who can say that throughout my life I have been able to quasi-understand and respect men and their behaviors. However, I started seeing someone most recently, and I am baffled by the development. Usually, I would just move on and try not psychoanalyzing what happened. However, in this case, may be because I liked the guy very much and thought that the feelings were mutual, I wish that I could have a crystal ball (YOU :)) to just answer one question: Do guys say “you take my breath away”, “I want to see you”, “I want to hold you”, but cannot commit to a relationship (all this was in his last text), just because they do not want to hurt your feelings? Some background info: We have worked together for a year but started seeing each other last month. I can say with full certainty that I felt very quickly emotionally, psychologically, intellectually, and physically connected with him. (My evaluation – too fast and too strong – I get it!!!). I have a very strong degree of self-control and all my life I have never let myself really “go for it” without having some degree of inhibition. I never felt the need to inhibit myself with him, and I think that’s what made it important to me. I believe the connection was mutual because of what he said, what he did, his behavior, and the way he looked at me (As I said above – I am highly educated and very cortical, thus not someone who would act based on some rudimentary emotional reaction). Since we started seeing each other, we would text every morning to say good morning, every 3-4 hours to say “miss you” or “thinking of you”, or send an emoji to convey that same message, and every night before going to bed to wish each other good night. Communication was smart, with very fine sense of humor, and right dose of playfulness and sexual innuendos. Communication was mostly via text because we did not want to draw attention at work. We never slept together because we wanted to make sure it would last. His own words, “we should be each other’s icing on the cake of a great life.” We kissed however, and no doubt, the chemistry was amazing. One day, four weeks in, he texted me at 7:30 am saying: “Morning, can hardly wait for lunch”, followed by another one two hours later asking me where I wanted to go for lunch. I was very surprised when, what I thought would be just a lunch, turned out to be “let’s stop this.” His reason was the fact that we are both in senior management at the organization and he did not want to jeopardize that. As an executive, I can appreciate that. I also want to say that whatever this was, it’s over, and I am not trying to find reasons to go back. Nevertheless, since I really cared about this guy, I wish I could somehow know if I read his involvement the wrong way. 

Thank you and best regards, 

Francesca

Sorry about your disappointment, Francesca.

You do sound like a bright woman and I know, rationally, it’s hard to take this at face value.

But as I wrote in Why He Disappeared, it doesn’t actually MATTER why he disappeared.

If everything is exactly as you describe it, then he didn’t want to sleep with another employee, which may be disappointing, but prudent.

My guess – for what it’s worth – is that if I asked him to describe this unusual four-week courtship, he’d probably tell a similar story with a few different details.

Listen, it’s possible that he’s just that cautious, but, in my opinion:

-a man who is truly interested in you will do more than text during the work day.

-a man who is truly interested in you rarely holds back from pushing forward sexually.

-a man who is truly interested in you does not let work get in the way – if anything, he is more likely to discuss your relationship with you to figure out how to pull it off while minimizing risk.

A man who is truly interested in you does not let work get in the way.

But the one paragraph that really suggested to me that you don’t have a clear grasp on the situation (or men) was this one:Which would lead me to believe, in doing the post-mortem on your non-relationship, that your chemistry wasn’t as strong as you believed and the feelings he expressed by text were impulsive trial balloons that didn’t actually fly.

“Do guys say “you take my breath away”, “I want to see you”, “I want to hold you”, but cannot commit to a relationship, just because they do not want to hurt your feelings? 

No.

They say those things in the moment because that’s what they feel in the moment.

What they say when they don’t want to hurt your feelings is “Let’s stop this because we work together in the same office.”

It’s a lie, but it does down easier than the truth, which is that he just isn’t that into you.

When men are into you, they’ll move heaven and earth to make it happen.

When men are into you, they’ll move heaven and earth to make it happen.

Next time, pay attention to his effort to escalate things, make plans with you, and ask you to be his girlfriend. All are better reflections of a man’s feelings than a series of one-liners and emojis.

And if you’re still curious why men do not stick around after the first few weeks of dating, click here and I’ll explain it all.

The post Why Did He Act Excited About Me If He Didn’t Want to Be My Boyfriend? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

     
 
 
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As much as I like to think of this site as a one-stop shop for women who want to understand men and find love, I hope it’s clear that I’m always learning myself. Which is why, every Thursday, for nearly a decade, I’ve presented you with articles from across the Internet which are designed to help you make smarter relationship choices.

Today, I present you with a virtual treasure trove from the New York Times, which certainly lives up to its billing of “All the News That’s Fit To Print.”

For years, the Times has been my go-to source for well-researched articles on love, and the good folks there have taken the time to compile some of their greatest hits under the umbrella, “How to Have a Better Relationship.”

It’s no Love U, mind you, but, as far as science-based articles on dating, sex, infidelity, communication, and marriage go, that Times link is a great place to start.

It’s no Love U, mind you, but, as far as science-based articles on dating, sex, infidelity, communication, and marriage go, that Times link is a great place to start. I’ve written about some of the concepts before, but going to the original source is never a bad idea.

Take a gander and then come back and let me know which article or idea you found most compelling. Your thoughts, below, are always appreciated.

The post Sex. Relationships. Infidelity. Communication. Marriage. All in One Place. appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

     
 
 
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I’m engaged to a man I dated for over 5 years (we wanted to finish school first). I have no doubt that I want to spend my life with him. There’s just one big concern I have. We met at University through a female mutual friend. He knew her for a couple months before we met, started dating and things got exclusive within a month. Nothing ever happened between him and this other woman, mainly because she was unavailable. Now engaged, he recently admitted he was attracted to her when we first met and this really bothers me because I always suspected he felt something for her when we used to all hang out together. To make matters worse, she is totally his type (petite, brunette) while I am the exact opposite (curvy, blonde). I know he would never cheat because he takes a lot of pride in his integrity, but I can’t help feeling like I was just his second choice since I was the one who initiated our relationship and she was never interested in him anyway. We are happy together most of the time, but I find myself questioning his emotional feelings for me and why he ever got with me in the first place. I don’t want to commit myself to a man who’s with me out of logic and reason, I need to know there’s strong emotion and passion too. Should I worry about the possibility that he really preferred the other woman but settled for me?

Mandy

When women in my inaugural Love U coaching program would post questions like this in our online community, they would often run 1000 words or more.

Every once in awhile, I’d get a question that could be answered with one word:

Overthinking.

Every once in awhile, I’d get a question that could be answered with one word:
Overthinking.

Since it took too long to write “overthinking” every time, I reduced it to “OT.”

It may sound a bit dismissive; that is not my intention.

My job is to listen, process and advise. But if I listen and process and determine there is actually no problem whatsoever, what exactly am I to advise?

That’s right. Hence the term OT.

Your question, Mandy, is a common and important one, so I will leave you with a little more evidence, explaining why you’re making a mountain out of a molehill on this one.

    a. You’re engaged to a man you’ve known for 5 years and you’re worrying about someone he was attracted to in college? You won. You got the ring. He chose you. Take yes for an answer. Nobody else is a threat (except for your insecurities).
    b. He admitted he was attracted to another woman. That shows that he’s honest and he assumes you can handle the truth. A solid relationship can take this level of honesty. A flimsy relationship is one that relies on the lie that your husband has never found – and will never find – anyone attractive except for you.
    c. He has a type. So what? Most of us do. And I don’t think most of us end up marrying our “type” because we’re not so superficial as to let hair color and body shape override the more important aspects of marriage.
    d. “I can’t help feeling like I was just his second choice…”? The hell you can’t! He’s never done anything with her. He’s never been with anyone except you, and never intends to again. So how is it that YOU’RE the second choice here?
    e. You initiated your relationship five years ago and therefore, you think you just forced him into it against his will? Like he’s just going with the flow? Like he’s just marrying you to be polite? Please don’t share this with your fiancé. He’d be insulted.
    f. I need to know there’s strong emotion and passion too. If he is emotionally connected to you and you have a good sex life (neither of which you mention here), I’m going to assume you’re fine on this front. If you’re not emotionally connected and don’t have a good sex life, perhaps THAT’s a reason to not get married – but it’s certainly not this college crush. That, I can promise.

Before we go, I’m going to reluctantly share my response to the woman who was really upset that her boyfriend didn’t think she was as hot as Angelina Jolie. It wasn’t my most diplomatic moment, but I don’t disavow my answer either.

No matter who you marry, your husband will have slept with someone hotter, dated someone hotter, seen someone hotter, and will continue to notice hotter women wherever he goes for as long as you shall live.

No matter who you marry, your husband will have slept with someone hotter, dated someone hotter, seen someone hotter, and will continue to notice hotter women wherever he goes for as long as you shall live.

You have two choices: make a big deal about it, or don’t even worry about it.

Which one do you think will lead to a happier marriage?

Choose that one.

With love,

Your friend,

Evan

The post How Can I Be Sure I’m Not His Second Choice? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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I’ve posted about the 36 questions that will help you fall in love on the first date and did a Love U Podcast on the 13 questions you should ask before you get married.

Today, I’m going to share the 52 Questions to Bring You Closer Together. It’s probably cribbed from at least one of the two above sources, but I do think it provides food for thought. From the author:

I tend not to be a fan of listicles, but hey, if you need a checklist to know how to talk to a romantic partner and that checklist improves your relationship, I’m all for it.

The article lists 52 questions that touch on topics that are scientifically proven to foster intimacy, such as, ‘what do you miss about your childhood?’ ‘what’s the most important thing on your bucket list?’ and ‘what have I done for you in the last week that you’re thankful for?’ These questions are an awesome and straightforward way to bring couples closer together several times over since there are 52 of them. 

I tend not to be a fan of listicles, but hey, if you need a checklist to know how to talk to a romantic partner and that checklist improves your relationship, I’m all for it.

Seriously, what questions from that list would you like to receive yourself?

The post A List of Questions You Can Ask When You Run Out of Things to Say Organically appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

     
 
 
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My beloved assistant, Cindy, is retiring after 7 years of top-notch customer support. She’s going to be hard to replace, but as I would advise any of my clients after a relationship ends, I’m staying positive and proactive about moving on. That’s why I’m writing to you.

I’m looking for a responsible, dedicated person who combines the warm, patient demeanor of a concierge (to best serve our clients), moderate command of technology (to best serve the business), and the communication skills of a therapist (to best deal with me.)

You will be working behind the scenes to ensure that my business runs smoothly and that my private clients are handled with the utmost care and delicacy.

You should have a disciplined work ethic, an eye for detail, and the desire to both learn from mistakes and suggest improvements to our existing systems.

The ideal candidate is on the West Coast, preferably Los Angeles, so we can meet in person, but I’m open to the possibility that you’re in a different time zone.

This is a part-time position that begins with 10 hours per month but has the potential to develop into a full-time position if you have the ability to expand your duties and demonstrate your value to the company over time.

Responsibilities include:

  1. My calendar and administrative duties
  2. Private client support
  3. Sorting through and choosing questions for my blog.
  4. Managing e-Cyrano writers and workflow.
  5. Potentially helping to moderate an online community of women.
  6. Customer testimonials

If you’re interested, please fill out the questionnaire below. Based on your answers, we’ll move on to the interview process which begins immediately.

Once we hire, you’ll get trained by my current assistant from April 23-April 27th and then we’ll start with 4-week paid “honeymoon” period on April 30th. By this point, we should have a regular working rhythm, and we’ll know how well we work together.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and for your thoughtful response.

Click here to apply

I look forward to getting to know you and building a close personal and working relationship with you over the years.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

Evan

The post Would You Like to Be My Beloved Assistant? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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