In what could potentially – and rather ironically – be the greatest scientific discovery of all time, The National Aeronautics and Space Administration agency has announced that they have found evidence of a super-natural and infinitely powerful deity on the edge of the known universe.
NASA announced the ground-breaking discovery today at their headquarters in Washington DC, creating a spectacular press frenzy; the likes of which have not been before seen at Two Independence Square.
Speaking on behalf of the agency, Chipper Aldrin, the son of the famous astronaut Buzz, and the current Administrator of NASA, said in an extremely brief and melancholy announcement that, after several months of analysis, he was “virtually certain” of the existence of extremely powerful and colossal – to the point of being virtually omnipotent – god or deity at the current edge of the universe.
“For a over three decades, a covert subdivision of NASA – code name Yahweh – has been discretely searching for such a god, but until recently, we have never enjoyed sufficiently powerful telescopes with which to search.” Said Professor Miles Sherbourne-Bingley, the rather eccentric British Director of the Project.
“This ground-breaking but, quite frankly, rather f*cking annoying discovery, was made at the absolute limit of our observable universe, at a distance of 46.5 billion light years, or 14.26 gigaparsecs.”
“I have, as has everyone else here at NASA, dedicated my entire life to the study and advancement of science and reason, and this new revelation is a somewhat of a monumental bastard-kick in the pissing teeth.” “Can you imagine how utterly smug and self-congratulatory the Trump-loving right-wing evangelists are going to be now? Bloody bastards were right all along.”
The Yahweh team are yet to release the sum-total of their research data, but we are assured that this will follow in the coming days. They have also declined to confirm or deny whether any communication has been made with the deity, or, and perhaps more importantly for most of the global religious population, which particular god or goddess that they think it might be.
More on this developing story in tomorrow’s blog.
As we left the press conference, which had now descended into chaos, a splendidly drunk Professor Sherbourne-Bingley added:
“In all honesty, I’m just grateful that this discovery has been made public after the death of a good friend of mine; the theoretical physicist Professor Stephen Hawking.”
“This would have totally ruined him, but, I suppose, and in a bizarre twist of fate, he might not now need his famous wheelchair in the afterlife that he so vehemently denied.”
In a bizarre legal case in the UK, a judge has found in favour of a liberal human rights barrister who proposed that, under EU legislation, it was illegal to refer to God as a man.
This astonishing ruling, barring any appeal, will come into force on the 1st March 2019, and is seen as a huge victory for the liberal left. It will currently, however, only apply to the Christian, Islamic and Jewish gods, “as they’re all pretty much the same bloke.”
After this date, referring to God as a ‘he’ will carry a maximum prison sentence of five years, and repeat offenders will be forced to undertake mandatory Atheism Conversion Therapy.
Mr Cooper-Smyth QC, in his statement, also indicated that he planned on addressing the same issue with the remaining 4297 gods, at a later date.
“Statistically, it is virtually impossible that all 4300 currently worshipped gods are male, and under current EU human rights legislation, not only is this categorically unfair, it is also illegal. ” He added.
Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, actually agrees.
“God is neither a man or a woman. God is not definable. So, in many respects, the Church cannot logically argue with this ruling.”
“Clearly we are going to see some resistance from the more conservative right wing, and their reactionary outriders, and clearly there will be a huge cost involved in re-printing all the bibles and hymn books, but the Church will adapt. After all, as an organisation, we are famously and fabulously wealthy, and we can afford it.” He said, whilst wearing a priceless 16th century hand-woven cassock.
For some, presenting God as merely gender fluid isn’t far enough. According to a rather strange British man, Alan Partridge. “God is a gas, but not a small gas, like Calor Gas.”
“After all, and as nobody has ever seen God, we can’t know for sure that he even takes a human form. He might be a gas, or he might be a piece of cheese or a pansexual flying doughnut. But this is definitely a step in the right direction.”
However, Margaret Smith from Rotherham, who wished to remain anonymous, was rather less pleased.
“What utter liberal nonsense!”
“God has always been referred to as ‘The Father’ and he impregnated Mary, for fuck sake. If God isn’t a man, how was Jesus conceived? Lesbian sex does not produce offspring, does it you moron?!”
“Whatever next? Is the Angel Gabriel actually transgender? Will our children have to refer to the ‘Three Wise Non-binary People’ in the nativity play? Utter ballcrap.”
The British Muslim Council and the Chief Jew, declined to comment.
”Religious people are, on average, much less intelligent than atheists”, says Professor Hans Schmenk from the ‘European Institute of Social and Cultural Sciences’, based in Luxembourg.
“It is very well established that religiosity correlates inversely with intelligence, and here in Luxembourg, we now have some super-tasty statistics to back this claim up.”
Professor Schmenk went onto highlight that – based on his global survey of 250,00 normal people, and 250,000 religious nutjobs – he was indeed happy to conclude that the atheists, on average, were much more intelligent than members of each and every world religion.
Except Pastafarians, however, who were – rather surprisingly – only slightly less intelligent than irreligious people. Professor Schmenk proposed that this anomaly could be caused by the colanders, but he wasn’t sure.
“There are a few Christians, with an IQ over 90, but not very many.” He said.
“And don’t get me started on those screwball Mormons.” He added, whilst making a gun with his hand, and holding two fingers to his own temple.
Professor Schmenk’s assistant Dave, could not, however, confirm whether these people were stupid because they are religious, or if they were religious because they are stupid.
“We’re going to be doing a lot more research on this in 2019. We have set-up a state-of-the-art laboratory in a remote northern corner of Afghanistan; as we had considerable trouble getting the right paperwork in Luxembourg that would allow us to keep religious people in cages for testing. Said Dave. Who added, under his breath “bastard EU human rights legislation.”
More on this in a future post.
Another very interesting and perhaps unexpected finding was that, in the vast majority of cases, atheists knew a great deal more about religion than those with a faith.
Professor Schmenk explained that this was because atheists are born to parents with naturally inquisitive minds that strive for truth, for answers and for knowledge, whereas the religious crazies just blindly accept whatever balderdash and proselytising nonsense that is – quite cleverly – drip-fed to them as children, before their cerebral cortex has fully formed, and whilst it is in – what is known medically as – its Fairytale Phase.
Just FYI, the top five cleverest religions were:
2. The Church of the Invisible Pink Unicorn
4. The Landrover Baptist Church
5. Last Thursdayism.
Whereas, the five religions with the least intelligent adherents were:
Interestingly though, if Texans were removed from the Christian grouping, this religion rose 2945 places in the table.
In the first of our new series – ‘Religious Bigots Have Opinions Too‘ – we talk to Bob, a sixty-nine year old retired buffalo farmer, from Anderson County, Texas.
With the genuine desire to understand more about religious extremism, and more about why conservative faith holders are completely and utterly crazy-blind to facts that contradict their belief system, we went in search of a right-wing, evangelical Christian bigot; and, of course, there was no better place to look than rural Texas.
Which is exactly where we found Bob; a particularly proud, and extremely passive-aggressive bigot; with a rather fine hat.
Bob Freeman, is from Anderson County and he was more than happy to talk with us about his faith, his specific fundamentalist Christian beliefs and why he thought that all other religions – and therefore all other gods – were a huge pile of made-up screwball nonsense.
We started the interview by simply asking Bob to explain why he chose to worship the Christian god, when there are so many other interesting, magical and all-powerful deities to choose from. After clarifying what ‘deity’ meant, Bob got instantly and extremely aggressive, and asked us to leave his ranch immediately. Bob shouted at one of his wives to bring a gun.
Fortunately, our reporters have become accustomed to behaviour such as this, and were not deterred. They expanded the question, and explained to Bob that there are currently over 4300 gods currently worshipped by humanity, and the followers of each god, virtually entirely, believe that their god is the right and only one.
“There is only one God in Texas.” Bob shouted, threateningly.
“And if anyone claims differently, we run them out of town, usually by force. Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas and Alabama have the same radical and dogmatic policy. It’s why all the liberal, free-thinking snowflakes end up in either California or Florida.”
“Ain’t nobody gonna worship another god here in the south; not whilst there’s gunpowder in these barrels.” He said whilst stroking a really big gun.
We then politely informed Bob that we thought he, too, was an atheist.
Bob went crazy, and spat out his tobacco on our reporter’s brand new Christian Louboutin trainers.
We expanded, in an attempt to rationalise with him, and explained that whilst we deny all 4300 gods, he did not believe in 4299 of them; only one fewer than us.
“Bob, we contend that we are all atheists; we just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why we dismiss yours.”
Bob released the safety mechanism on his gun, and started shooting randomly into the blood-red Texan sky.
As our reporters ran back to the bulletproof safety vehicle, Bob could be heard shouting “At least your trainers are Christian!”
“If only they didn’t smell so bad, and drank sherry slightly less often, then we might consider relaxing our policies over the festive period.”THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND
Christmas is – even for the most privileged – a very stressful time. But for the 5,000 people that sleep on the cold, dark streets of the United Kingdom every night, it must be truly unbearable. Clearly, and very sadly, most of these people have no other option, as sleeping outside, in freezing temperatures, is not a choice anyone would consciously make.
So, with our journalistic influence, we decided to do a little research, in the hope that we might be able to – quite logically – pair homeless people with empty buildings, and the findings were more than a little alarming, to say the least.
Our research began with the obvious choice – religious buildings – which are empty for much of the time. Even we were shocked to discover that The Church of England currently own over 16,000 churches and 43 cathedrals; ergo, it was clear that this could prove to be an interesting line of enquiry. So we called them.
“Homeless people are far too dirty to sleep in our churches this Christmas”, says Church of England.
To begin with, and for several weeks, the response was virtually non-existent, but our reporter eventually managed to reach an individual who was willing to talk on the condition of anonymity.
“It’s a great idea in theory” She said, when questioned on the notion of permitting the homeless to sleep in empty churches overnight. “But in practice, it won’t work.” She then began quoting biblical texts in an arbitrary fashion.
“1 Timothy 3:5 – For if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?”
“Proverbs 30:12 – There is a kind who is not washed from his filthiness.”
“Acts 2:13 – They are full of sweet wine.”
When pressed further, she admitted that “The Church of England, in all their buildings, are obliged to comply with the Health and Safety at Work Act 1974, and the various EU regulations that are too numerous and nugatory to mention.”
“In many ways – in the Herodian Kingdom – the innkeeper and his wife may well have been proven correct in refusing entry to those undocumented immigrants who potentially may have caused similar social contamination.”
“Homeless people are just too dirty, smelly and, most often, drunk.” She said, glibly
“Notwithstanding the glaring security issues.”
She expanded “How can any Reverend, or Canon, or Archbishop preach to their underprivileged parishioners without their golden orb, or their rare 17th Century hand-woven cassock? And how can they possibly sit, wisely, and quote biblical texts at random without their rosewood-inlaid 16th century throne?”
“We cannot risk the security of our ecclesiastical treasures, we cannot risk the smell of urine, and we cannot afford to clean up after these dirty, intoxicated people.”
She finally added, and without any trace of irony, that ” The Church of England would like to wish everyone, from all walks of life, a very merry Christmas, and a prosperous new year.”
by Lola Fisher, December, 2018
IMPORTANT – DO YOU KNOW OF A CHURCH THAT COULD HELP???
If you think that you may know of a church – Christian or otherwise – that could open its doors to the homeless this Christmas, please contact us, and we will endeavour to lobby on your behalf. Ms Fisher can be reached on email@example.com