Suddenly single lonesome nights beget thoughts of getting back out there. Whether you have been kicked to the curb for cause or the romance died of natural causes you are back in a world that may have changed significantly since the last time you were single. Selecting from social media options to vast to discuss here, returning to the bar scene, the attractive person from work, or the potential perfect person that your mother, friend, or relative has in mind for you are all on the list.
There are a number of things to consider before taking the jump. First, you are either beginning, in the middle of, or have just finished one of the most emotional events of a lifetime. Yes tough guy…I said that this will be, is, or was emotional for you. Many experts compare divorce to the death of a loved one in terms of the emotional toll that this event takes on most people. Everyone’s experience is different but realizing this and trying to understand how divorce is or has reshaped you deserves some time and effort on your part before blindly diving into the deep end of the dating pool.
The second most important thing is children. I say second only because if you’re not right they won’t be. Don’t be tempted to include them in your dating life. It is hard enough for them to deal with the fact that you and mom are not together anymore much less have them help you cull through options while finding someone new. Bear in mind that you may hear about mom’s new boyfriend from your kids but resist the urge to compete with her and do yourself and the kids a favor by keeping your love life to yourself. Always honor your visitation commitments. Blowing your kids off for a date is unacceptable and any woman worth your time will understand how important time spent with children is.
It is not uncommon for most people, both men and women, to have one or more transitional relationships. This is one of the primary reasons to keep the kids out of the line of fire. One night stands are not recommended and may never happen but don’t be surprised if a couple of cocktails lead to a fabulous evening of mutual ex-trashing and a late night in someone’s bedroom. Sometimes when two people are hurting it feels better to express yourself with a member of the opposite sex. Remember to be prepared: you know where the closest Walgreens is and be sure to have the Uber App on your phone. And by the way…a gentleman would pay for her Uber too.
So now that the uncomfortable possibility of the one night stand is out of the way the more common transitional relationship may be with someone just like you. Divorcing or divorced, kids, job, bills, ex, etc. Finding a match in divorceland is much more difficult than finding a match in the real world. Several things to know. First…give the girl a break. Second, single mothers have it way harder that you do. If you have your kids every other weekend and Wednesday nights for dinner she likely has the parenting flipside. Once you have your kids for a week while your ex is on vacation you will understand how tough your new gal pals life may be. You may find a nice girl that you feel an attraction with but navigating all of the complexities of single adult life can make it hard to make a relationship grow. Third, this is the primary reason to keep the kids in the background. It may take several tries, for varying lengths of time, to find love again if that is what you are looking for. Waiting at least six months and a gentle introduction at a neutral location is the only way to move forward in the transitional world. Your kids may become more attached to someone new than you do and it may be hard for them to go through separation again if a relationship doesn’t last.
Neutral options include an outing of some kind that is somewhat kid focused, where the activity is not too competitive and is age appropriate. It’s better to introduce yourself to her kids first to get an idea of what you may be dealing with when it is time for all the kids to meet. This will give you some insight into how she parents and give you an opportunity to see just how consistent your parenting styles may be.
As a general rule something like cosmic bowling is better than a movie. Keep a respectful distance from your girlfriend and try to interact with her kids more like an uncle than a dad. Keep the first meeting short and sweet and it may be preferable to meet them at the activity location rather than to all travel together. Cosmic bowling is only one suggestion but if you find the activity successiful you may want to rinse and repeat with your kids as both you and your girlfriend will have some expectations about how the date will go.
Some people are bent on blending early and this can be difficult! Getting both sets of kids together from the get go is not the cautious approach. Picking the activity that is age dependent may be difficult if one set of kids ages are considerably different than that the other. Cosmic bowling is still better that a movie but a big age difference may lead to unwanted competition and some difficulty between the kids. Try to keep everybody separated to some degree and in this case it’s ok for everyone to get a participation trophy. In this situation remember to be a dad to your kids and an uncle to your girlfriend. Keep any affection to a minimum…especially if you have daughters. Remember that you loved them and they loved you first! It’s going to be difficult for them to process this new relationship and there should be strict boundaries when it comes to any display of affection.
Make sure to compare notes with your girlfriend soon after the event. She may have viewed things much differently than you did so pay attention! Make sure that you reassure her about your feelings for her as she is not used to you behaving towards her like her uncle. There may be some natural competition between the two of you regarding all of the kids and that is pretty normal. I suggest trying to get to a point where you can treat her kids like your nieces and nephews…you love them but just not as much as you love your own.
There is no reason why you shouldn’t be able to meet the girl of your dreams but it is just a little more difficult with kids in tow. The eventual blending of families is successful for many couples but remember that visions of the Brady Bunch are a bit unrealistic. This may take a few attempts but there is likely someone out there that you can make happy and will make you happy kids and all!
5 Fitness Tips For Dealing With Divorce Stress by Luke Douglas
My now divorced mom would say that a healthy divorce is always better than an unhealthy marriage. And while she hit the nail on the head, the truth of it doesn’t reduce the pain and exhaustion that often follow a divorce. Any amount of time spent with a person leaves a mark, and it’s difficult to suddenly adapt to solitude, with or without kids, and rebuild your daily habits from scratch.
We’ve already covered just how much sports can help you achieve the right stability to get your life back on track, but sometimes we need an extra nudge in the right direction to find the right means to an end. So, here are a few things you can do to make your fitness goals work better for you in combating divorce stress.
1. Join a team or get a buddy
Emotional support is not the only kind you might find helpful in these hard times, and when it comes to making your training count and ensuring that it remains an enjoyable part of your life, going it alone doesn’t go well with divorce. Why not join a new aerobics class, or a strongman crew, or a martial arts class? Now there’s a fun and healthy way to vent and get rid of negativity while learning new skills.
Getting a gym buddy also provides you with enough motivation when you feel like you’d rather stay at home couch potatoing all day long.
2. HIIT it hard
Yes, the latest intense cardio craze isn’t just an amazing training addition due to its impact on your endurance, strength and stamina, but it’s also known to help reduce stress and get you into a more positive mindset, to fend off depression and anxiety.
It takes less time than moderately-intense jogs and treadmill runs, and HIIT is much more versatile, so you can use your imagination to keep things interesting and your brain always on its toes (you know what I mean).
3. Make it a ritual
It’s not just about that one hour you spend on your workout, it’s also about the time you spend preparing meals, protein shakes, and about how your entire lifestyle will slowly change as a result of staying active. And you’d be surprised how much what you wear can impact your workouts!
Finding the right gear will boost your motivation and put you in the right state of mind to overcome your limitations. You can look for durable gym wear online and aim for the pieces that you’ll enjoy seeing yourself in, that will make you smile when you see your reflection, and that will give you that “edge” you need when you feel low.
4. Spend time in nature
Maybe spending all of your training time in a stuffy gym isn’t the best way to bring a smile to your face. Studies have shown that surrounding yourself with nature is an excellent way to reduce stress, improve mindfulness and help combat depression.
So why not move some of your workouts into the great outdoors? Think: off-road cycling, entire-day hikes, rock-climbing, skiing, snowboarding, swimming on the beach, whatever you prefer and have the right conditions for, give it a go and infuse your workouts with fresh air, sun and greenery!
5. Mind your munchies
Taking into consideration that you’re trying to keep away the divorce blues and make the most of your newly-acquired single life, the right foods will make the difference between binge eating well into the wee hours of the night, a loss of appetite, and feeding your body with the right positivity fuel.
In addition to NOT making any drastic changes in your diet, you can create a menu that is based heavily on stress-busting ingredients such as complex carbs (like your morning oatmeal), leafy greens (spinach, broccoli, kale and lettuce will work), dark chocolate (rich in magnesium and it will boost your happy hormones) and omega-3-rich bites such as salmon. Feed your soul and your mind to stay fit and fend off stress, and your body will thank you.
Luke Douglas is a fitness and health blogger at Ripped.me and a great fan of the gym and a healthy diet. He follows the trends in fitness, gym and healthy life and loves to share his knowledge through useful and informative articles.
How Sports Can Help Anyone Going Through A Stressful Period
Going through a divorce can drain the life out of you whether you have been married for two or twenty years. It can be one of the most stressful periods in a person’s life. It is normal to feel helpless and alone, but how you choose to deal with the effects of a separation will make the whole difference.
An ugly divorce has the potential to strip you of your self-worth. Becoming physically active and being part of a team will boost your self-esteem. Feeling confident in your abilities will make you think highly of yourself. On the other hand, being inactive for an extended period will lead to self-loathing, which will eventually escalate to depression.
Those who exercise often are healthier and physically fit. You can take advantage of your divorce to get into shape. Losing a couple of pounds or getting rid of that beer belly will help improve your self-confidence. Body beast, a home fitness plan by champion bodybuilder Sagi Kalev is perfect for beginners looking to get into shape. You can check out Body Beast reviews for more information.
When you achieve the targets that you have set, it improves your self-confidence and makes you feel positive about yourself. Through competition, you can discover your own potential to achieve more and thus set higher standards for yourself.
2. Improving your mood
Whether you engage in a solitary sport such as running or swimming or a group sport such as baseball or football, any form of physical activity stimulates the production of neurotransmitters referred to as endorphins. These brain chemicals are responsible for giving you the feeling referred to as “runner’s high.”
According to a 2008 study published in the journal “Cerebral Cortex,” elevated levels of endorphins bind with opioid receptors in the limbic and prefrontal areas of our brain thus causing the runner’s high feeling. These are the parts responsible for positively changing your mood. The feel-good response triggered by endorphins helps to decrease symptoms of stress and tension.
3. Improving the quality of sleep
Divorce leads to stress which in turn interferes with your sleeping pattern. Lack of enough sleep leads to a vicious cycle since it adds on to your stress, making it even harder to shut your eyes the following night. Exercise helps to break the cycle in two ways:
It assists you in handling stress and makes you feel exhausted ensuring that you sleep quickly without having to toss and turn all night. Sleep also helps to improve your sense of well-being. You tend to feel better the more sleep you get.
4. Increased socialization
Separating from your partner makes you feel lonely. But the loneliness is compounded when you decide to alienate yourself from friends and family. You need to be around people during these tough times. Socializing helps to relieve stress by stimulating the release of the oxytocin hormone which promotes relaxation.
Engaging in a sport will give you an opportunity to socialize and make new friends. Being around people with whom you share a common interest will motivate you thus helping to reduce anxiety and depression. Interacting with other human beings will enable you to get rid of the negativity associated with stress and anxiety.
5. Works as a distraction
Participating in sports and exercises helps to divert your attention. You will forget your pain albeit temporarily and focus your mind and energy on the recreational activity at hand. Whether you are paddling your kayak or swinging your bat, your attention will be on your body movements and not your usual stress points. This distraction will work like some form of meditation.
Celebrity actress Kaley Cuoco used horse riding and competitions as a distraction after going through a rough divorce. She then started working out and practicing yoga and now has rock-hard abs to show for it.
6. Releases tension
According to the American Council on Exercise, working out reduces the electrical activities recorded in tensed muscles. Researchers have also noticed a reduction in hyperactivity and jitters among individuals after exercising. Participating in sports and exercises will help relax your blood vessels and reduce your blood pressure and heart rate, which are often associated with worry.
Your body responds to stressful situations through what is called the fight-or-flight response. That usually leads to a buildup of stress in the body. The best way to relieve this tension is to engage in exercises. The American Diabetes Association recommends participating in a sport such as bicycling or ballroom dancing.
Don’t just sit around and wallow in misery. Divorce is terrible, but you can get through it by choosing to be physically active. Participating in sports and exercises can lower your stress and anxiety, provoke socialization and help improve your self-esteem. However, take care not to over-exercise in the name of channeling your stress. It can put unnecessary burdens on your systems at a period when it needs all the resources available to manage your feelings.
Mike Jones discovered the benefits of sports for mind and body when trying to lose some pounds. He likes jogging in the morning to get a clear mind, and prefers going to the gym late at night to get a better night’s sleep.
Written by a staff writer for Divorce With Dignity
Divorcing your spouse is a major life event that can leave you feeling a range of challenging emotions; from sad, exhausted and energy-depleted to angry, bitter and regretful. As we approach the holiday season, past memories of when your life was very different are easily stirred up. It can also be difficult to be faced with family members, friends and coworkers questioning your new single life at holiday gatherings.
It’s crucial to acknowledge that going through a divorce can be an unbelievably stressful time. And, to help guide you through this trying time it’s more important now than ever to be grateful for the good in your life Here are three things you can do to appreciate what is good in your life and how to remember them when times are hard.
Recognizing the Good
Take time out of each day to recognize the good parts of your life. Maybe it’s your weekly-anticipated nights out with friends, or your Saturday shopping trips, a job that you love or the volunteer work you do at the local hospital. Perhaps it’s the time you keep just for yourself every Sunday night, watching your favorite TV show, snuggling up with your dog while drinking a delicious glass of red wine.
Buy yourself a journal or notebook and make a point to write down the things in your life that you are grateful for. If you are feeling down, the number of things on your list may surprise you to see once. Make it a habit to do this each day and read over it when you need a reminder.
Refocusing on the Good
Give yourself permission to be sad, angry or upset when times are hard. But, once you have let yourself feel the emotions make it a point to re-center yourself and refocus on what you are grateful for. That way you are never sad or upset for too long. This is especially helpful for when you have to be professional or interact socially.
Spend time with your kids. If you are parents, your ex will always be a part of your life as they are your children’s parent, too. It’s important to acknowledge the good that came out of the relationship – your beautiful offspring!
Creating More Good
Once you have allowed yourself to feel the negative emotions and have come to a point where you can be grateful for the many good things in your life, it’s important to pay it forward so you can help others going through a potentially hard time in their lives. When you can come to a point where you realize that others might be worse off than you, you gain perspective.
For sure divorce is hard! However, as you have glimpses of the new possibilities or come out on the other side, it can be a new beginning–you can build your new life. Create more positivity in your life by doing more of the things that make you feel good and are beneficial for others. Remember that you wouldn’t be in the positive place you can be in today had you not found a way through and past your thorny relationship.
Divorce with Dignity helps our clients move forward in a positive way. We can help ease the burden of preparing and filing divorce papers. We can also provide recommendations to family therapists and mediators to ensure that our clients have the best resources possible to establish amicable co-parenting relationships. For more information on how we can help, please visit our website and find a Divorce With Dignity professional near you to schedule a consultation.
I absolutely love the concept of single dad, Leland Dieno’s blog, No Deadbeat Society, and his new children’s book designed to help kids realize that even though Dad isn’t living at home anymore, he is still Dad and his love will never change. Here is Dieno’s story, along with some great words of advice for single dads and their kids.
By Leland Dieno
I started No Deadbeat Society in 2015 a few years after becoming a single father. The primary reason I started it was that I realized that my entire perception of what being a man was completely changed after entering fatherhood. I made poor decisions as a youth that were primarily focused around myself, self centered even… I idolized and thought highly of people who weren’t making great choices themselves and realized that the best people in my life were those closest to me, and those who loved me unconditionally. There were so many qualities in the men and women closest to me that I wasn’t even acknowledging or growing from, it became evident who I was becoming was who I was supposed to be after I became a father.
Being good natured does not equal weakness. Loving unconditionally and pushing yourself to do the right thing whenever possible does not mean that you aren’t masculine. I feel more masculine than ever. I feel stronger than ever, and more of a man than ever. Being a good father helped me realize that. Leaning in, seeking counselling, relying on those around me who had my best interest at heart was what helped me get to where I am today. And, I still have a long road ahead of me just as we all do in every aspect of life.
Since starting NDBS I have been able to have lengthy conversations with all types of fathers: Married, single, in custody battles, primary guardians, peacefully sharing custody, etc.. The list goes on and on. I’ve met some incredible men, who like me, realized after become fathers that it was time to start focusing on both their physical and mental well being.
Midst all of those conversations though were the heartbroken, single fathers who weren’t seeing their children as much as they hoped or who felt that the system had failed them. Some were failed, I can’t speak on the system and I won’t take this opportunity to talk about any types of reform… but what I will talk about are those few men who aren’t in their children’s lives as much as they should be, because of one thing. A stupid reaction. A juvenile and costly one. At some point in their relationship with their children’s mother they lost their cool. They did something that can’t be justified and should not be justified. Whether it was an act of violence or some sort of verbal abuse they self admittedly got themselves in heaps of trouble and the repercussions became their nightmare. I will not justify their actions, nor will I condone them in any way. Children should not be around any form of abuse in any way and the system absolutely needs to protect them from that. If it accomplishes anything at all, tha should be it.
What I’ve learned is that most men who have made these mistakes know that they did and they admit that they wish they could go back in time and correct it. Deal with their anger, maybe seek help before the separation, and deal with the issues they held onto that made them act the way they did. I was once at a conference and one of Vancouver’s top divorce lawyers (a woman) who primarily represents men, said the only advice she can give men is “to be the dad they seem to want to be after divorce, before the divorce”. What she meant by this was be that ALL IN father as soon as your children are born. Don’t selfishly prioritize things over your family, especially not your children. If you only see your kids 1 day a week while you live with them what do you expect is going to happen post divorce? Magically you will have them every day? It can’t work like that.
One of the biggest issues I’ve found is men have trouble dealing with emotions. Especially when it comes to expressing their unconditional love. There are probably a ton of psychological reasons for it; the way we were raised, our fathers relationships with us as children, etc… But either way in 2017 it is an issue for men.
Thinking about that, I decided to write my first children’s book titled “I’ll Never Leave”. It is a coloring and activity book specifically for designed for single fathers to help them articulate that just because they may not be there every day, that they still love their children unconditionally. My hopes are that this may just trigger one single dad to start leaning on their own feelings and compassion and start exploring how pulling from those emotions might better their lives.
It’s her fault because she criticized me all the time.
It’s her fault because she was always on the road for work.
It’s her fault because she stopped wanting to have sex after we had kids.
It’s her fault because….
You may not be saying things like these out loud but chances are, you’re thinking them. At first, it can feel great to blame someone. No need to feel bad about yourself….
It takes a lot of energy to hold onto those resentful feelings. It takes a lot of energy to keep reminding yourself of all the horrible things she did so you can keep remembering that it was her fault.
It’s why she’s already dating and you’re sitting at home in front of the TV every Friday night with a burrito and a beer.
What would it feel like to move on, too? Here are three truths.
1) Truth #1 – Replaying the situation over and over again like a sportscaster isn’t going to change anything.
2) Truth #2 – It doesn’t matter whose “fault” you think it is. I hate the cliche too, but you’re really only hurting yourself.
3) Truth #3 – It might be painful to admit, but you also have some responsibility for what went down in the relationship.
“Wait a minute. You want me to say this is my fault?”
No, but what would it be like to look at your part in what happened? Marriages are comprised of two people, both of whom have responsibility for the direction it goes and whether it works or doesn’t work.
It might feel really crappy to look at what you did to contribute, but here’s the good news…. Taking your share of responsibility means you can learn from what happened. It also means you can choose to do things differently next time.
Fill in the blanks:
• I take responsibility because I… • I take responsibility because I… • I take responsibility because I… • I take responsibility because I…
High five! That’s awesome!
Now that you know you’ve done A, B, C, and D, you don’t ever have to do them again. Different actions = different outcomes.
Listen, I’m not guaranteeing that your next relationship will last forever. But you’re not doomed to relive the same pattern of relationships as long as you can choose to learn from the past and try something new next time.
Because, have faith, there will totally be a next time….
Sheila Devi became a transition coach because she’s passionate about resilience. She now focuses particularly on helping her clients to navigate career transitions. www.sheiladevi.com. She recently launched a new project on Instagram: twosteps.forward.
One thing that worries people in the midst of a divorce most is living arrangements. Splitting property, assets, finances, and other possessions is not a fun or easy process, but it is necessary. Fortunately, there are some ways to make the process of transferring property, making new living arrangements, and moving out a little less painful.
1. Transfer Property Using a Quitclaim Deed
Transferring property in the midst of a divorce is a process that takes time. If you purchased property or a home jointly, both names will be on the deed, title, and mortgage. Once you agreed on which spouse will keep the house, it should be expressly stated in the divorce decree.
However, you also need to ensure that the spouse who gives up ownership of the home signs a quitclaim deed to prove the other spouse is the sole owner. The quitclaim deed is a legal document that transfers the departing ex-spouse’s interest in the home to the ex-spouse receiving the home in the divorce. In fact, some people sign quitclaim deeds every time they sell property so they have a legal document proving they have relinquished ownership so they have peace of mind.
In the case of a divorce, the quitclaim deed will match the divorce decree and prove you are the sole owner so that you can go to your lender and local municipality and request they remove your spouse’s name from the loan and title. Many people overlook quitclaim deeds in the chaos of a divorce, but it is a document that makes life easier moving forward.
2. Finding a New Home in the Midst of a Divorce
When the time does come to find a new home, you should focus on moving to a new house that will feel like home. If you want a large kitchen, make that a priority. If you have children, involve them in looking for a home by asking if they have any requests such as a large family room or backyard. If you do your best to find a house that fits your desires and involve children in the process, moving will be a more positive experience. Highlight the bonuses of the new home and allow your children to choose the wall color for their bedrooms and help decorate to ease the transition to the new home.
3. Moving Out
Moving out becomes easier if you and your ex-spouse make moving plans part of the divorce decree. For example, you need to be thorough when dividing property and belongings. While your wounds may be fresh, you do not want to regret agreeing to allow your ex-spouse to keep all the sentimental items. Your children will relish the memories the items represent, and in time, you will appreciate having them. You also should make provisions for packing dates and move-out dates, especially if you want space from your ex-spouse. Set aside several hours to pack and move. If you and your ex-spouse need to be present at the same time, ask some neutral friends to help you pack and move to make the process easier for yourself.
Spouses need to follow the divorce decree to the letter. Do not remove any items from the home or make any changes to it until the divorce is final unless you have made special provisions to do so in the divorce decree. Most importantly, you should not move out until the agreed-upon date; you may not want to co-habitate any longer than you have to, but it can be difficult to get back into the home if you move out early. Even if the divorce is amicable, you should stick to the written agreement to avoid any potential arguments or problems, especially if you and your spouse have children.
Divorces are difficult, and leaving a home you love is painful. But, if you sign a quitclaim deed to relinquish ownership of the property, find a new house that feels like home, and make moving out part of the divorce decree, you will set yourself up to make moving forward easier for everyone.
5 Signs You’re In An Unhealthy Relationship by Leticia Summers
Starting a new relationship is an exciting time. The initial honeymoon period is filled with starry-eyed happiness, and it feels like you two are the only people in the world. However, that initial happiness doesn’t always last. No one expects it to happen to them, but you may one day realize that some parts of your relationship no longer feel right. To help determine the health of your relationship, here are five signs that you might be in an unhealthy relationship.
1. You feel like you need to change who you are to make him/her happy
In every relationship, you should always feel comfortable enough to be your authentic self. It’s normal to be a little bit nervous to show your quirks when your relationship is in its early days, but if you find yourself uncomfortable being yourself further down the road, it could be a warning sign.
If you finally muster up the courage to show your partner part of yourself that you’re insecure about, you certainly don’t want to find that your partner rejects that part of you. In a healthy relationship, you should be comfortable enough to express yourself without fear that your partner will reject you or try to change you.
2. Poor communication
Communication is a key component of every healthy relationship. If you find it constantly difficult to communicate with your partner, it could be a red flag. Poor communication can come in many forms. Your partner may flat-out refuse to discuss certain topics, a technique that Psychology Today calls “stonewalling.” You may also find that any time you try to tackle certain topics, the conversation quickly devolves into a fight.
3. You feel personally responsible for your partner’s well being
Your partner should never rely solely on you to make them feel good. In this type of relationship, you find that when you’re partner is angry or upset, they constantly blame you for their negative emotions and expect you to make it better. You may feel like you’re walking on eggshells trying to keep them happy. This is an unfair burden to place on you, and you should end the relationship if things don’t change.
4. Lack of trust or privacy
Relationships should be built on mutual trust. A lack of trust can manifest itself in different ways. Does your partner demand to know where you’re going and who you’re with? Do you feel the need to go through your partner’s phone because you don’t believe what they say to you? Are you able to rely on your partner’s fidelity? All of these indicate an intense lack of trust that can b toxic. If you find that you and your partner can’t trust each other, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
5. Lack of respect
You and your partner should respect all parts of each other. Disrespect, like a lack of trust, can show itself in a variety of ways. A common sign of disrespect is a partner who mocks or invalidates your emotions. They may tell you you’re being stupid or whiny. Insults are another common sign of disrespect. If your partner is constantly making fun of you or putting you down, that is a big red flag. You and your partner should endeavor to lift each other up, to support each other in ways big and small.
Romantic relationships are a complicated and personal thing. No relationship is perfect, but there are certain things that should simply not be tolerated. If you think that your relationship may be unhealthy, consider talking to family, friends, or a therapist to help determine the best next step.
Leticia Summers is a freelance writer based in Texas who has been writing about family and relationships for nearly 10 years. She occasionally serves as a consultant for family law attorneys in the Houston area.
An amicable divorce may sound like a fairytale, but you can take steps to make yours a little friendlier and easier on everyone. In general, it’s best to eliminate sources of conflict and hostility as quickly as possible, or to prevent them from appearing at all. That may sound impossible, but there are a few techniques that can make it fairly simple.
It is never a good idea to negotiate terms or discuss the divorce while angry. When you let your emotions cloud your thinking, you may say or do something that you regret, which can be incredibly damaging during a divorce. Even something as simple as reading a message from the other party can lead to hasty and regrettable actions when viewed through the lens of anger. It’s best to take a few minutes or hours to step away from stressful situations when that happens, before returning to them with a clear head. If you find yourself angry with the other person, find something else to do so you can calm down. If you are in a meeting, ask if you can take a five-minute break so you can take that time to cool down.
Divorce leads to strong emotions, and it can highlight long-term issues that many people face. Even if you are certain you want a divorce, you may deal with something called divorce grief. Some people can deal with that on their own, but most benefit from a little bit of help. Therapists are trained to help people work through their struggles and complicated emotions. Most people can benefit from seeing one to help work through the emotional side of their divorce and they can help you figure out how to work through your problems without fighting.
Good Legal Advice
Divorce laws are complicated, and competent legal assistance is a necessity for navigating them. However, it’s important to remember that the best lawyers will also have experience with mediation. They can help you keep productive arguments civil, while cutting unproductive arguments short. They also have the experience to tell the difference between the two types, which is something that the average person lacks. That skill can do a great deal of good on its own, but it combines with legal knowledge to make good counsel the most important tool at the average person’s disposal.
Ignore the Peanut Gallery
Friends and family members love to give advice about divorce proceedings, but they tend not to know about the big picture or understand much about the legal situation. They also take sides quickly and have trouble looking at things from multiple perspectives. While it is nice to have someone who is on your side completely, it isn’t the most productive when it comes to moving forward with divorce proceedings. Because of their bias, their advice is often useless, and it can create unrealistic expectations. It can be healthy to use them as a source of emotional support, but it is usually best to ignore them once they start talking about the state of your relationship.
Every divorce involves some stress and pain, but there’s no reason to make things harder than they need to be. Good conflict resolution techniques and legal advice will make the process as painless as possible, and that can do a lot to help people move on with their lives.
Jenn Montgomery is a freelance writer, editor, and blogger based in San Diego. She writes on a variety of topics and enjoys learning new things. Follow Jenn on Twitter at @JennMontgomery5.
Where Can I Look For Emotional Support During A Divorce?
Written by a staff writer at Divorce With Dignity
Divorce support can be just as important from an emotional standpoint as a legal one. Because no matter how you look at it, a divorce is the ending of what was at one time a loving relationship. That kind of upheaval is never an easy thing to go through and it can take a huge emotional toll on everyone involved, including both spouses and the children. Knowing where to turn for emotional support can be very important.
The first thing to bear in mind is that admitting you need help does not mean you are weak. In fact, seeking help is more often a sign of great strength because it means you are not afraid to reach out. Looking into divorce groups and therapists and how to find them is something that you should seriously consider as it could make all the difference to your emotional and physical health.
Another important thing to remember is that there are at least two sides in every divorce and in cases where children are involved, there are three sides: yours, your spouses and the children’s. When it comes to divorce support, it is important that everyone feels that he or she is being heard and that nobody becomes lost in the process.
Looking at divorce groups and therapists and how to find them, you’d be surprised at how easy it actually is. Most states and individual communities have a lot of resources to help spouses and children going through divorce. You need only look into what is available in your area and find the form of assistance that works best for you.
One of the biggest hurdles most people face when seeking divorce support is not reaching out, thinking they don’t want to burden anyone else with their problems. But keeping things to yourself can be extremely detrimental and that can lead to irreparable damage, so it’s always better to get things out in the open one way or another, no matter how uncomfortable it may seem.
Of course, when looking for support, the first thing that comes to most people’s minds is their friends and family. While this kind of support is wonderful it may not necessarily be the best route to go as family members and friends can be torn between sides and carrying a great deal of emotional baggage themselves. That’s why the idea of divorce groups and therapists and how to find them can be so important.
There are professional resources out there, from trained counselors and therapists to divorce support groups made up of other individuals going through the same thing you are. You might even be able to find courses on recovery and rebounding from divorce at your local college or community center. The important thing is to look into all of your options and discover exactly what is out there.
There is no reason for you to go through the painful journey of divorce on your own. There are many different avenues you can follow in order to get the support and strength that you need. If you’re in the middle of a divorce or just contemplating filing for divorce, do your homework and find out what kind of support network exists in your area…then take that first brave step and reach out!
Divorce With Dignity helps clients move forward in a positive way. We help ease the difficult burden of preparing and filing divorce papers. We also provide divorce support. We can recommend family attorneys, therapists and mediators to ensure that our clients have the best resources possible.
For more information on how we can help, please visit our website and find a Divorce With Dignity professional near you to schedule a consultation.