In some ways, my life has been consistent for the past three years. A good job, Princess the guinea pig. Okay, so the other guinea pig died, I changed churches, but I'm still in the same apartment, and it is still a mess. I still see the same counselor, except not this week. So it is really a jumble of new and old.
But the newest change is leaving my job. I can't tell you how sad it makes me. I stay up late at night, then am exhausted at my job the next day. I love the people I work with, and I have been doing this sort of work for nearly ten years.
Also, I'm the one making this decision; no one is making me do it. Now that I finally have my teaching certification coming, I want a job that requires it, or to sub for a job that requires it, so that I gain experience to gain a "certificated" position. I guess I would rather be the cause of a change, even if it leaves me asking myself, "What am I doing? Why am I bringing this uncertain change on myself!?"
And I don't have a job starting next week, not so far. So Friday is my last "official" day at work as well as the last planned work day. I do have plans for Saturday, though. Dentist plans. Better than nothing!
And then soon comes the fair! I continued my tradition of entering things in the fair, entering two new categories and one old category. The new ones are Literary Works and Scrap-booking. The old is Photography. 4 photos, 3 of which are fairly unique. The fourth is a sunny/cloudy sky, not really unique. As for the Literary work, I totally waited to the last few hours to finish writing it. Writing seems to need a deadline when I must contend with perfectionistic publishing issues. Blogging, thankfully, is in a slightly different category, allowing me to post more easily than I can enter a fair or write a paper for a class. As for scrap-booking, the local craft stores should sponsor our fair tickets or something. Do you know how much money can easily be poured into scrap-booking? A $12 scrapbook with 10 page protectors (in the 12 x 12 inch size), $2.40 for stickers, $2.40 for special tape/glue stuff, and that doesn't count printing the photos, paying sales tax, or the supplies that I bought but did not use (so could technically return or exchange. Let me just say that I don't usually spend $17 plus on something like that... Oh, who am I kidding. Guinea pig bedding is more than that. And I have been known to fork out many dollars on fair projects. It might be a weakness of mine, or an honorable hobby, or both.
Well, on the positive side, I have calmed down from fretting over the upcoming job changes (not completely, but maybe enough to continue with my evening). So farewell for now!
It has been almost a year since I have posted! It doesn't seem that long.
At this point, I have finished my masters degree (!) and am in that annoying transition time where I find out what I will (or won't) be doing with my degree as fall approaches. This particular anxiety is more of a human anxiety than a disorder. Of course I am anxious about looking for a job that would use my new degree. Who wouldn't be? (I'm sure there are some exceptional people who would not be so anxious, but I also do not think the anxiety is abnormal). Somehow, that has not made the anxiety much easier to handle.
Now, it is Saturday night, my house is a wreck, and I have slept more than I've been awake in the last 12 hours - or maybe it is close to even, but not the "healthy" 8 or 9 hours sleep to more awake time. I finally did a little cleaning - not much, but a little. Then I told myself that I could put up with myself. I can stand myself a little longer, because at least I picked up a few pieces of garbage. This irks me, because I do not want to find my value in doing things. And the reason for that is because I know that others have been in the position where they cannot do those things - I have been, too, to a limited extent. You don't want your self-esteem to plummet if you are unable to do things, whether a particular job or upkeep of your living area. I know this in my head, but I still struggle.
I think maybe I am too tired (!). I know I'm hungry. My digestive system is having a minor rebellion, so my eating is off. Granted, I was having a minor rebellion before my digestive system did, quite likely triggering it (I did not want to eat supper last night and settled for cold cereal, then forgot my a.m. meds because I did not wake up enough to take them as scheduled, then continued eating cereal for breakfast and lunch...).
Sometimes I'm in this strange place emotionally where I just don't know where I am. It irks me. I know I'm not happy, but I'm also not super depressed. It is like nowheresville mentally/emotionally. Not healthy, but not sick enough for convenient diagnosis or treatment. Maybe I should just be happy that I'm not more depressed or anxious.
Sometimes I get frustrated that the anxiety/OCD and depression still play such a big role in my life. People talk about the benefits; meeting other neat people you wouldn't otherwise meet, becoming more understanding and less judgmental of people who are struggling, etc. But I've met people and I've become more understanding. Can this be enough? Surely I will remember enough of my struggle to be a compassionate listener when someone else struggles. And I've already met lots of people through this. And surely I can meet more people around other commonalities, less depressing ones. So can this be enough?