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LOS ANGELES — Professional gamer and Fortnite streamer Turner “Tfue” Tenney has escalated his lawsuit against professional esports organization FaZe Clan, posting a YouTube video about how labor organizer Cesar Chavez was “low key on some labor rights clout shit” and “really tore shit up and changed the fruit picking game.”

Tenney reportedly got “pumped up” reading the Wikipedia page for Chavez, an agricultural worker who founded what later became the United Farm Workers union, transforming American labor rights for generations to come.

“Bro, this Chavez dude, him and his crew were out there picking grapes like nobody ever saw, we’re talking huge numbers they were putting up. Shit was wild, yo,” said Tenney during the stream. “But then all their cash was going to this whack clan, the DiGiorgio Corporation, who didn’t do shit but unfairly collect off their mad skills.”

Tenney went on to say that Chavez’s method of building sympathy to workers’ concerns through media coverage, or “clout,” has caused him to rethink the dynamics between himself and FaZe Clan, the company he is suing over an exploitative contract.

“My and my man Chavez, we both got clout for days, but this guy was out there using it to make life better for himself, dude, but also his teammates, like making their own clan,” said Tenney, slowly raising his fist. “No negative energy, none of that griefer shit, you know, just bros who want to squad up and stack those grapes like they do best, but like, do it together.”

Subsequent reports indicate that Tenney later clicked through several Wikipedia links to the page about Karl Marx, who he said “no-scope downed that greedy bullshit” and “pulled mad stunts on those factory owners for real.”

We’ve launched a brand new podcast network. Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

The post Tfue Posts YouTube Rant on How Cesar Chavez Was Low Key on Some Real Labor Rights Clout Shit appeared first on The Hard Times.

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BOISE, Idaho — Local man John Larsen abruptly left his post at Pet Supplies Plus yesterday to race home and check out an album a coworker told him about during a conversation in the breakroom, several staff members confirmed.

“It was absolutely nuts,” said Frank Smith, a fellow cashier. “One minute, we were bullshitting about music, and I was telling him that if he likes the first Saves the Day record, he needs to check out Lifetime’s Jersey’s Best Dancers. I didn’t mean, like, right away… but he asked me to cover for him and literally ran out of the store and to his car. I hope he likes it!”

Anticipating trouble with the store’s problematic WiFi network, Larsen thought the easiest way to hear the late ’90s hardcore classic would be to use his own computer at home, where he’d be fully able to focus on the recommended album’s nuances.

“I fought some pretty bad traffic to get home,” he reported. “I thought about stopping off at a McDonald’s or something and just checking it out there, but I don’t have good headphones or anything… and I really needed to make sure I give this record a fair shake. It wouldn’t be fair to Frank if I didn’t.”

Impatient with the gridlock, Larsen reportedly exited his car several blocks from his house and sprinted home — where he informed his wife he’d be in the bedroom for the next 23 minutes and requested complete privacy during that time.

“He burst through the front door like he was being chased by a pack of wild dogs, ran straight upstairs and started blasting some very dated emo,” said Haley Larsen, John’s wife. “And every so often, I’d just hear him yelling — a lot of ‘whoa’ and ‘Fuck yeah, Frank!’ He was having such a good time, I couldn’t interrupt him… even if his boss was calling nonstop.”

Upon finishing the album, Larsen reportedly took a cab back to work and finished his shift. However, reports that he thought the album was “tight” are highly rumored, yet still unconfirmed.

The post Man Races Home to Check out Album Friend Told Him About appeared first on The Hard Times.

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BURBANK, Calif. — A recent leak of production assets from Avengers: Endgame revealed an unused post-credits scene in which Capcom characters assemble and beat the “absolute living shit” out of the battle-fatigued Avengers, Redditors frantically reported this morning.

“I thought every Marvel movie was nothing but a boring retread of the same formula, but when Ryu showed up at Avengers HQ out of nowhere and shouted ‘Shoryuken!’ before cracking Thor across the jaw, I was totally surprised,” said Capcom fan Warren “MegaFanX” Higgins. “The only thing that topped it was when Captain Commando choked out that lame patriot shill Captain America while tauntingly humming the ‘Star-Spangled Banner’ — a very sinister touch.”

Despite the initial burst of enthusiasm from Capcom fans, Marvel die-hards have already torn the footage apart in a 216-comment thread breaking down the scene’s “criminal inconsistencies.” 193 comments are said to focus on Chun-Li, the only female Capcom character to appear.

“Chun-Li is ultimately an Interpol pencil-pusher — a glorified secretary — not a true warrior,” argued John “TonySnark76” Ward, who earlier also criticized the writers’ decision to include a pantless King Arthur who implausibly managed to fend off Thor’s Mjolnir with an ordinary steel lance. “The idea Chun-Li could even make solid contact with the Hulk — let alone kick him through a wall — is absolutely asinine.”

In subsequent replies, Ward conceded that the impressive battle that pitted Captain Marvel against Guile and Zero was “pretty badass.”

Fans are still furiously debating whether the footage could suggest the future direction of the MCU or if the idea had been scrapped altogether. The matter was even further complicated by the final seconds of the leak, in which Terry Bogard, Haohmaru, and a dozen other SNK characters ominously watch the fight from a distance.

We’ve launched a brand new podcast network. Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

The post Scrapped Endgame Post-Credits Scene Reveals Capcom Beat the Shit Out of Exhausted Avengers appeared first on The Hard Times.

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GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Irritated neighbors of yours confirm you fully lost your shit early this morning when you discovered the indie-rock band Los Combustibles while wasting time on YouTube before work, and subsequently learned they are not currently touring.

“I heard shouting and stuff breaking in the apartment, so I ran down to see if you were OK,” said your upstairs neighbor Patrick Doherty. “But when I got there, you started fuckin’ interrogating me: ‘Have you heard of Los Combustibles before? Have you?!’ I was like, ‘Yeah, I was super into them in high school…’ but apparently that was the wrong thing to say.”

Witnesses say your unfounded, needless rage only deepened when you learned the band hasn’t released an album since 2013.

“And it was a live album, which basically guarantees they’re done for, and I’m never gonna get to see them,” you screamed to no one. “Motherfuckers. I would wear the shit outta one of their shirts, but where am I gonna find their merch? I thought musicians needed the money. Fucking sellouts. I can only stream their shit on Spotify so many times.”

“How come in over six years none of my friends ever told me about this band?” you added. “Do they just secretly hate me? Is that it?”

A Twitter poll you’d created in the hopes of finding clarity, gauging whether your friends had heard of Los Combustibles; whether they’d seen the band live before; and most importantly, if the band gave off a “selfish bags of smelly dicks kind-of-vibe,” offered little direction.

“Have you heard of Laurel Leaf? They sound a lot like Los Combustibles,” super annoying follower @hyping_enthusiast commented, completely missing the point. “Think you’d dig ‘em :)”

While members of Los Combustibles could not be reached for comment, a four-year-old blog post on the band’s website stated that, after years of touring, they’re “grateful to the fans and glad to finally be settling down and enjoying time with loved ones” — which you blew off as “utter bullshit” and “proof punk is dead.”

The post Lazy, Selfish Band You Discovered Five Minutes Ago Not on Tour appeared first on The Hard Times.

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RENTON, Wash. — YouTube video essayist Rob Meyers, who has garnered thousands of views on his videos about film, television, and video games, took a 20 minute diversion to discuss the general concept and construction of hunger in modern society and media before placing his order, witnesses report.

“Since time immemorial, mankind has relied on hunger as a central motivating factor,” he says in a video made of the order he placed. “Ancient texts tell us that the people of Mesopotamia, Rome, ancient China, and even pre-civilization cavemen all experienced hunger of one form or another.”

The video shows that he then proceeded to elaborate on older writings that indicate who may, or may not have been hungry in the ancient world. After approximately six minutes of this digression, he arrived at the subject video games.

“Hunger comes up in video games all the time,” he told waitress Kelly Graeme. “Whether it’s managing your hunger meter in Red Dead Redemption 2, or deciding whether to be a cannibal in Fallout 4, it’s inescapable. Time and time again developers give us a need to fulfill that basic human hunger, but conversely in games we do not taste, which many consider to be central to the experience of eating. It makes one truly consider the enormity of the human endeavor when we can satisfy hunger without anything touching our tongues, lips, teeth, or indeed even our uvulae.”

After several more minutes, Meyers concluded his speech on the nature of hunger, taste, and eating then ordered a cheeseburger, according to Graeme, who has become used to such experiences.

“It comes with the territory being a server,” she said over the phone on Friday. “Being a waiter is all about being accommodating. Sometimes a big table wants to split the bill six ways, sometimes you have to listen to a 30-something who never got to use their creative writing degree talk about stuff for awhile. I will say I do regret asking him how he wanted it cooked.”

Sources report Meyers proceed to explain that while a well done burger was the more traditional approach, according to him, “One has to wonder what secrets medium-rare hides,” before expounding on foodborne illness for some time after.

We’ve launched a brand new podcast network. Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

The post YouTube Video Essayist Spends 20 Minutes Explaining Concept of Hunger to Waiter Before Ordering appeared first on The Hard Times.

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Now that people in the United States are being forced to have babies, it feels like choice is a thing of the past. But when it comes to how you have your baby, you still have options, and nothing beats a natural birth right in the center of a killer mosh pit.

My first child, Darby, was both premature and breech, meaning he tried to bail on my womb early and feet-first; typical! I had no choice but to be drugged and cut open by my doctor, which sounds cool, but to this day I’m haunted by all the pain I didn’t get to experience. At least I have a cool scar.

When I found out I was pregnant with baby Rollins, I made sure to plan the ideal birth experience: natural, healthy, and surrounded by the whirling limbs of aggressive punks.

Childbirth is natural, and our bodies are made for it. But this mombod is also made for absolutely fucking shit up in the pit. Pain is actually helpful: in childbirth, it helps you figure out how to push and change positions; in the pit, it helps you feel alive for just a fleeting moment before you’re forced to return to the meaninglessness of everyday life.

What’s more alive than a juicy, freshly-birthed baby punk? Fucking nothing, that’s what. Face it, the pit was made for welcoming babies into the violent chaos of this world.

Babies get tons of health benefits from being delivered naturally through the vadge, thanks to all of mama’s bacteria; and this mama barely showers because she lives in a crust co-op. Combine that with all the blood, sweat, and spilled beer in the pit, and Rollins is going to be the healthiest motherfucker at this grindcore show.

Ok, FUCK, my contractions are godddddddaaaaaaaammmmmnnnnn FUCK, only about one grindcore song apart, and COCKSUCKER the headliner just started a breakdown SHIT so it’s fucking time! Time to open up this pit and WHY FUCK WHY open up this cervix.

The post Why I Chose This Circle Pit for My Natural Birth appeared first on The Hard Times.

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NEW YORK — Dating website OkCupid announced on Wednesday that they added a new filter, enabling users to search for potential partners with a Black Flag tattoo, cautiously optimistic sources confirmed.

“This was a very easy decision. We polled our employees and patrons of everyone’s favorite dive bar down the street, and found an overwhelming majority of single people have Black Flag tattoos,” said OkCupid spokesperson Tara Martinelli. “This filter will allow you to find a like-minded mate, or steer clear of someone entirely, because you know exactly what type of person they are.”

According Okcupid statisticians, the ratio of men to women with Black Flag tattoos on using the dating app is roughly 3849 to 7. One of the seven women, Lara Karel, is thrilled about the update.

“Before this filter, I went out with so many guys who’ve never even heard of Raymond Pettibon. But now I’ve already got three first dates lined up at the same Flag show next week,” said Karel. “If Okcupid went even further and added an ‘Only watches The Office on Netflix because everything else is boring as shit’ filter, I’d probably find Mr. Right within minutes.”

However, the filter isn’t fool-proof, as some users have noted.

“I ended up with some dweeb who never listened to any recordings before the Rollins era. Apparently he got his bars logo tat after hearing Henry Rollins on Joe Rogan’s podcast,” said Ahn Nguyen. “The guy said his favorite album was fucking Loose Nut — are you kidding me with that shit?”

“After that, I’m taking a break from dating for a little while,” she added. “This is exhausting.”

Meanwhile, OkCupid CEO Ariel Charytan claimed the company is just happy people can cut to the chase about the things they value most in dating.

“We want users to bond over how underrated Ron Reyes is, and their nuanced opinions about Greg Ginn,” said Charytan. “Swiping is fun, but we want to create a lasting connection between two hardcore punks who aren’t afraid to not be buried in a Jewish cemetery.”

Photo by Kaitlyn Jeffers.

The post OkCupid Adds “Black Flag Tattoo” Option to Filter appeared first on The Hard Times.

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NEW YORK CITY — Rolling Stone magazine announced today it would be scaling back the latest version of its popular special feature, merely ranking the top 487 albums of all time.

“Sadly, this is just a sign of the times,” said Jann Wenner, co-founder and publisher of Rolling Stone magazine. “We really took for granted how long we could give full funding to a few dozen people sitting around ranking the same Bob Dylan and Fleetwood Mac albums every few years. This time, we were forced to hire a few less music critics and insiders — there was just no way we could take on a number as big as 500. Maybe in three years when we do this again we can get back up to that arbitrary number… but I’m afraid it’s just not feasible this time around.”

While smaller staff and a quicker turnaround time contributed to the downsizing, working conditions for reporters and musicians have reportedly declined drastically this time around.

“Last time we did this, there was a girl who brought us snacks and printed out the names of every Bruce Springsteen and Eric Clapton album,” said returning list contributor John Mayer. “But this time, there’s just a coffee pot and a water cooler… and we have to look everything up ourselves. I feel like I’m in prison!”

Though many say that publishing lists and special editions are merely the print equivalent to digital clickbait, Rolling Stone staff insist this stripping of budget and resources is indicative of a larger attack on print journalism.

“If we can’t do all 500, then the press is dead…and with that, the first amendment and everything our founding fathers stood for,” said Wenner. “Do you want to look Elvis Costello in the sunglasses and tell him he only got three albums on [the list] this time? I sure the hell don’t. It’s an absolute disgrace.”

Following the publishing of the truncated list, Wenner revealed he would get straight to work on the magazine’s next special feature, “The Top 96 U2 Songs of All Time,” expected to be available in stores next month.

The post Budget Cuts Force Rolling Stone to Rank Top 487 Albums of All Time appeared first on The Hard Times.

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BALTIMORE — After collecting seven resources off the roll, trading with two other players, then using twelve resources and a development card to establish four roads and a city, local Settlers of Catan player Marcus Zhang officially won the popular board game’s passive-aggressive “Longest Turn” special card earlier this evening.

“Oh, that’s the longest turn? I didn’t even realize! Don’t mind if I do,” announced Zhang, as he plucked the vaguely insulting card out of the box at the conclusion of what felt like hours of strategic game mechanics. “It doesn’t give me any special abilities or resource multipliers, and it seems like this card was explicitly created to make me feel bad. But guess what? I feel great.”

According to the Settlers of Catan Game Rules & Almanac, the Longest Turn card is reserved for a smug player who saves up all their resources over a dozen turns, only to exhaust nearly all of them in an unnecessarily showy finishing move.

“If you are the first player to make more than eight moves in a single turn, you take this Special Card,” says the manual, “and wave it around at everyone else playing. Go ahead, brag about it. No, really, you earned it. Congratulations. This card is worth zero victory points. Dick.”

With the Longest Turn card officially on the table, other players were left speculating if any one of them could surpass Zhang’s mammoth set of moves and claim the card for themselves.

“I’ve been planning for a couple settlements, just wait until I get to roll,” said Catan competitor Kylie Joseph, before immediately rolling seven and emptying half her hand. “Damnit.”

Sources report that after his excruciatingly drawn-out move, Zhang was positioned to win the game and could even pick up the Largest Ego special card along the way.

We’ve launched a brand new podcast network. Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

The post Settlers of Catan Player Receives Passive-Aggressive ‘Longest Turn’ Card appeared first on The Hard Times.

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DUXBURY, Mass. — Members of suburban punk band Trash Pirates shocked the underground music world by openly thanking their parents’ money in the liner notes of their new self-released LP, multiple sources confirmed.

“We know this could potentially ruin us as a band, but we had to speak our truth,” said founding member Pat “The Rash” Vanderhoss. “My dad bought me my first guitar when I was eight, paid for years of lessons, bought us a warehouse space to practice, and personally financed the 10,000 unit order of our new record Authority Sux. So, yeah, we came together as a band, and decided we should be upfront about things.”

Trash Pirates drummer Kirby Kennedy believes that without the support his parents’ money provided, the band would never have survived this long.

“Playing music for a living is very tough — the record industry is struggling, so you need to find new ways to monetize your art. Thankfully for me and the other guys in Trash Pirates, we just ask our parents to pay for things and they open up their wallets,” said Kennedy from his home recording studio. “For my 18th birthday, my dad bought us this great RV… which will be perfect if anyone ever books us on a tour.”

Experts were quick to praise the band for their candor, and noted the punk community has largely been funded by anonymous donors close to the musicians.

“Putting out a record takes money, and since all punks everywhere pretend to be allergic to money, it’s amazing we ever see anything released,” said punk historian Kadi Ternaski. “Often, punks will pretend they raised enough money by busking at train stations to fund a release… but if you follow the paper trail, it always leads back to dark money provided by loving parents who only want the best for their kids.”

Patricia Vanderhoss, Pat’s mother, insisted she doesn’t need to be thanked for the endless funds she provides her child in his futile attempt at a music career.

“Being a parent is often a thankless job, so while unexpected, I do appreciate the shout-out from Pat and the boys,” said Mrs. Vanderhoss. “But if he really wanted to show his mother some appreciation, he’d call home every once in a while — or let me do some guest vocals on a track or two.”

The post Honest Punk Band Thanks Parents’ Money in Album Liner Notes appeared first on The Hard Times.

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