The End Times is a news satire and parody site presented from a Christian worldview perspective. We aim to engage in the culture-shaping realms of satire and parody in a manner that not only makes people laugh, but prompts them to think critically and, more importantly, biblically, about the issues, causes and personalities shaping current events.
MIAMI, FL – In what many experts are calling “an epic freak show of unprecedented sociopathic insanity”, nearly two dozen clowns spent two days slowly pouring out of a tie-dyed Prius parked in front of Miami’s Arsht Center and proceeded to spew a variety of disturbingly irrational proposals at anyone who would listen.
“One of them actually wants me to pay for fake women to have abortions,” noted Jane Smith, a local housewife and mother of four who had the misfortune of walking by the clown car just as Julian Castro emerged from its glove compartment. “I’m not sure which is worse: That he actually thinks fake women can get pregnant or that, if they could get pregnant, it would be a great idea to force me to help finance the murder of their baby.”
“The whole thing makes me feel almost half as confused as he is,” Smith added. “Okay, so maybe I’m nowhere near that confused, but you get my meaning. That guy is scary crazy.”
Castro’s championing of taxpayer funding for fake women’s abortions was just one of several mind-blowingly moronic proposals on display, with fellow clowns Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders leading a gang of lesser known bozos in lobbing one insanity-drenched idea after another into the crowd that gathered around them.
“It’s as if they’re completely disconnected from reality,” one observer noted while covering their ears and walking faster past the Arsht Center as the increasingly frantic leftists blathered on about free everything for everybody. “Then again, I guess that’s what sells in Democrat primaries.”
BILOXI, MS – Legendary African American white supremacist Clayton Bigsby is touting a recently performed DNA test as proof that he is actually white.
Inspired by Elizabeth Warren’s use of similar genetic testing to legitimize her claim to Native American ancestry, Bigsby can now show definitively that he is of at least 0.1% European descent, a figure similar to the DNA test results that confirm Mrs. Warren as being at least 0.1% (1/1,024) Native American.
“These here DNA test results prove beyond any doubt that I’m at least as white as Pocahontas is Indian,” explained Bigsby. “I hope that this incontrovertible scientific evidence will finally put to rest the ludicrous claims of my many detractors.
LITTLE ROCK, AR – With Senate Democrats today focusing rigorously on whether or not Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh drank beer or acted inappropriately during his high school years, Bill Clinton has decided to launch a massive campaign to “erase all record of his High School, Junior High, Middle School, and Elementary School social life and related activities”, according to reports from highly placed staffers at the Clinton Foundation.
“Yeah, as Bill watched today’s questioning of Kavanaugh on things like what was written in [Kavanaugh’s] high school yearbook, he knew that he needed to get into gear and take care of a few, or a few dozen, things right away,” explained a Clinton Foundation executive on condition of anonymity. “If Senate Democrats all of the sudden care about stuff like whether a high-schooler drank beer or wrote something goofy in a yearbook, then Bill obviously needs to take note and act accordingly.”
The Clinton plan reportedly includes explicit directives to destroy all yearbooks or greeting cards that were exchanged during holiday parties, including but not limited to, Christmas, Halloween, Valentine’s Day, and birthday celebrations involving Clinton from the age of 4 to the present.
“You can’t be too careful,” another Clinton insider noted. “On the plus side, since Bill’s a Democrat, even the most egregious of elementary school Valentine’s Day card content probably wouldn’t matter anyway.”
REDWOOD CITY, CA – As D-Day looms for release of the fifth installment in the once highly regarded Battlefield game franchise, producer Electronic Arts (EA) is banking on massive support from what it insists is “the totally underrated, under-represented, and under-served” disabled SJW feminist/lesbian gamer market. Many analysts and market observers are less optimistic about the prospects of Battlefield V since the franchise’s hard-earned reputation as a realistic simulation of historic wars seems to clash with the latest installment’s focus on the front line deployment of disabled women as a major factor in World War 2.
“We’re all for seeing women included as a player option in the game. That part’s a very good thing,” explained one analyst from CNBC on condition of anonymity in order to avoid being disemployed, deplatformed and possibly disemboweled by SJW ideologues determined to crush anyone challenging their narrative. “The problem is featuring women as a normal and significant part of front line combat in World War 2, which they just weren’t. Taking a game brand built on realism and gratuitously feeding it into the SJW attempt to rewrite history just seems like a really bad idea.”
EA executives have responded to many similar concerns by doubling down on what they call their “daring, inclusive new take on history”, going so far as to tell concerned members of the franchise’s existing fanbase that they can either buy the game as is or take a hike. EA’s recent announcement of a “Feminists of Antifa Special Edition” of Battlefield V has been perceived by many as proof positive that Battlefield is about to go down in SJW flames.
“They can either get with the Brave New Program, or just not buy the game,” explained Elvira Molotov, EA’s Chief Communication Commissar Person and Professor of Lesbian Gaming Theory at UC Berkeley. “World War 2 has always been, at its heart, a battle between the evil fatherland of a very Trump-like Nazi Germany and the glorious motherland of the progressive Soviet Union. It’s a classic tale of patriarchy versus matriarchy. This oft neglected centerpiece of World War 2 history is something that we’re convinced a generation of malleable, historically illiterate gamers will truly enjoy.”
Preorders for Battlefield V are said to be trailing those of the next installment of direct competitor Call of Duty by 75-85%. Even so, EA seems undeterred by what it called “insignificant things like sales and profitability”.
“All that matters is our commitment to the cause of diversity, progress and social justice for all” Molotov added. “We are completely sold out – figuratively, if not in actual pre-order sales numbers – to embracing the true meaning and significance of World War 2, no matter how many ignorant, unenlightened redneck fascists decide not to buy our product.”
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Representatives for tech giants Apple, Facebook, and YouTube are vigorously denying claims that their companies are part of an insidious conspiracy to make Alex Jones the most popular living human being in existence.
“We hate him! We really hate him!” exclaimed one high level Apple executive on condition of anonymity in response to a report describing how recent attempts by Apple, Facebook and YouTube to supposedly ‘de-platform’ Jones were, in fact, just cover for a move to make Jones the single most sympathy- and empathy-attracting being in recent history. “No, really, we can’t stand the guy! He’s practically the personification of growing opposition to our efforts to increase the power of the state and corporations over people’s lives, so we’re trying to associate his crazier views with the general notion of decentralized power. That way we can snuff him out for being a crazy man while also making it plain that anyone questioning our perspectives is also crazy and therefore worthy of being snuffed out, too. We hope that all of this will then inspire others who are even thinking about pushing back against centralized state and corporate power to just give up, shut up, get in line, and get with the program.”
“Ideally while continuing to buy lots of iPhones, X-Boxes, Big Macs and Nikes, of course.”
Execs at Facebook and YouTube had similar thoughts.
“We are not and have never colluded to make Alex Jones more popular!” a highly placed Facebook source shrieked emphatically. “We have only colluded to crush him and intimidate all who might join him in pushing back against our positions and narratives!”
But many aren’t buying this corporate line and suspect that the whole thing is just a ruse to justify making Alex Jones the object of so much public sympathy that he emerges as a super-heroic tool of the very tech giants who are supposedly ‘de-platforming’ him.
“It’s all quite obviously a total info war false flag event,” explained Nunya D. Bidness, a longtime fan of Jones’ InfoWars program who’s now convinced that Jones has been compromised and converted to an agent of evil controlled by a satanic cult of blood-drinking technocrats that rules over Apple, Facebook, and YouTube. “I mean, there’s just no way that the demonically inspired geniuses at the top of these multi-gajillion dollar companies could be so stupid as to believe that what they’ve obviously conspired to do to Alex Jones will actually take him down. They can’t possibly be so moronic as to believe that what they’ve done won’t actually make him more popular than ever. Nobody could be that dumb.”
HOUSTON, TX – With August upon us, millions of American Christians are once again shipping their 4- and 5-year-olds off to be “salt and light” to a wide range of committed anti-Christian perverts, including an increasing number of drag queens now being welcomed to groom the young at events like “Drag Queen Story Time” events hosted in public schools across North America.
“We’re just so proud of our little Johnny for being there to shine the light of God on these drag queens while sitting on their laps and sharing story time together,” explained Ben Snivelton, the father of Johnny, a five-year-old attending Houston’s Karl Marx Kindergarten on the north side of town. “It’s such a great opportunity for Johnny to serve God and set a good Christian example for the rank perverts that bounce him on their knee while reading pro-perversion propaganda in the form of LGBTQ-promoting story books.”
“Just knowing that our sweet little Johnny is being salt and light to those heathens makes our day,” added Sharon Snivelton, Ben’s wife. “If it wasn’t for Johnny being salt and light, I don’t know how Ben and I would rationalize shipping him off to that place while we both work jobs to provide the middle class American lifestyle to which we’ve become accustomed.”
“I’m not saying that we wouldn’t find a way of rationalizing it,” Sharon clarified with a giggle. “Just that I’m not sure how we’d do it.”
WASHINGTON, DC – In a flurry of moves aimed at stemming the rising tide of free thought and speech made possible by the Internet, State and Corporate powermongers have launched a coordinated attack aimed at silencing those who most loudly criticize the corrupt government systems and crumbling corporate empires that are struggling to maintain control over the masses.
“This is even worse than the printing press,” explained one panicked power broker from the Vatican. “Once people had the ability to produce and share the written word on a large scale, it became incalculably harder to maintain control over narratives, people, and culture. While that was obviously a terrible setback for enlightened people like me who want to protect the masses from dangerous thoughts and words by deciding for them what constitutes a dangerous thought or word, this Internet thing is at least a thousand times worse than the printing press.”
“So yeah, it has to be stopped…or, better yet, controlled in a way that preserves the illusion of free speech.”
Government elites from both major U.S. political parties shared similar concerns over allowing unfiltered, unfettered thought to find free expression in the land still ironically identified by some as “the land of the free”.
“We obviously have to protect the average sweet little innocent, incapable, fragile American citizen who has obviously and purposefully been left in a very vulnerable position after being educated by State-run schools and fed a steady diet of Corporate-crafted pop culture for their entire lives,” explained one top tier Republican Party operative while sipping wine at a high end DC restaurant with his top tier Democrat Party operative friend. “The last thing we need in America is for people to have free, unchecked, and unregulated access to information so that they might evaluate it for themselves and act on it as they see fit.”
“America as we know it now could never survive that!”
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Actual Anti-Christ Damien Thorn is growing weary and frustrated with frequent comparisons and associations being made between his office as Actual Anti-Christ and that of the Pope under current Pope Francis, according to a recent report released from Thorn’s production company in Hollywood
“The more this guy runs at his mouth, the more people think he’s me,” explained a clearly exasperated Damien in a press release aimed at correcting growing misconceptions that Pope Francis is in fact The Actual Anti-Christ as opposed to just one of many anti-Christs predicted in the Bible. “One day he’s encouraging homosexuality and gay marriage, the next he’s dismissing the existence of hell and promoting all kinds of leftist political agendas, so I can understand why people are getting confused.”
“I’m really gonna have to up my game to keep up with this guy.”
ALSIP, IL – Grateful parents and community leaders are singing the praises of a local church after it launched a new program to provide bulletproof backpacks and buckets of condoms to each and every one of its middle school, junior high, and high school students who are returning to public school next month.
“We just felt like it was the right thing to do,” explained Pastor John Q. Clueless of Alsip’s 6th Baptist Church. “After all, if we can’t be counted on to help the children in our own church, then what good are we?”
The program will allow each child in the congregation to select a bulletproof backpack in their choice of happy, fun colors, along with up to three beach-style play buckets full of assorted condoms. While high school and junior high aged public school students will each qualify for three buckets, middle school kids will be limited to one, according to Pastor Clueless.
“Obviously, we don’t want to promote bad behavior in Middle School,” Clueless clarified. “So one bucket should be more than enough for our precious little middle schoolers.”
Grade school options “will probably be added next year”, Clueless noted.
Parents and community leaders alike have had high praise for the program since it was announced earlier this month.
“With my wife and I both working full time to pay for our nice suburban home, two cars, decent vacations, sweet clothes, and high tech toys, we can hardly cover the cost of the bulletproof accessories and condoms that our children so desperately need these days in public school,” noted 6th Baptist youth leader and adult Sunday school teacher Brian Vacant. “Thank God for Pastor Clueless and his vision for our church so that our little sixth grade boy and seventh grade girl can go back to school with the bullet resistant hardware and prophylactics that they need!”
School officials were also quick to praise the new church program.
“What a wonderful way for the church to support the good work we’re doing in our public schools,” gushed Principal Vladimir Marx of Alsip’s Abraham Lincoln Middle School. “It’s so nice to see a church that’s not only eager to send its children to the State for education, but is also quite happy to foot the bill for all the bulletproof gear and buckets of condoms that their kids will surely need in that environment.”
“God bless Pastor Clueless and his church!” Marx added with a cackle.
PLANO, TEXAS – Much to the chagrin of increasingly frustrated neighbors, local professing Christian Brian McApathy is refusing to mow his lawn, citing “Jesus’ imminent return” as the reason he “won’t waste time on stupid earthly things like mowing the lawn”.
“Look, if the culture’s destined to go to hell anyway like my pastor says, then who cares what my lawn looks like on the way, right?” McApathy explained with an incredulous look while shrugging his shoulders. “Truly spiritual people understand that trying to save or improve things like education, economics, business, art, literature, film, or my yard by working hard to apply biblical truth to those areas here and now is just plain stupid and wasteful because it’s all just going down the drain anyway and Jesus is about to swoosh us all up into the sky at any second.”
“So why should I waste time mowing my lawn? Seriously. I’ve got better stuff to do.”
When asked how else he ‘s putting this life philosophy into practice, McApathy cited “pretty much every earthly area of life”.
“If it involves anything remotely resembling hard work here and now trying to improve life, culture, or my yard in accordance with biblical principles, you can count me out,” McApathy continued. “I know it’s all a waste of time.”
“The Jesus preached at my church set me free from all that earthly, non-spiritual stuff.”