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New Delhi: Election commission, responsible for conducting free and fair elections in India, today clarified that it’s not always necessary for them to announce polls in the country.

India’s guarantor of democracy.

“Certain events, such as riots in UP, are so routine before every elections, that people are almost always certain that election are round the corner. In view of this, people already know elections are going to happen sooner than later. Hence, there is no need for us to officially announce it, something which is very obvious and redundant,” explained the newly appointed Chief Election Commissioner Sunil Arora.

Meanwhile, hearing this, India’s newly appointed Chief Justice has also suggested we should now start considering media trials as officially part of the country’s justice system, since they are powerful enough to build public opinion and declare a person culprit or innocent, even before the cases are put forth before India’s lethargic courts.

“This will take a lot of burden away from India’s already stretched and diluted public institutions,” he clarified.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article and is a work of fiction. Kindly do not confuse the news on this channel as being genuine and factually true.

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After the announcement of international yoga day by Narendra modi, not only people, but cows in India also have started doing yoga every day. The primary reason was to get peace of mind from the controversy and protests, that have been raised due to beef ban issue in India.

A cow performing yoga to escape from bullshit being discussed in India these days.

Since the cows were doing yoga everyday, the milk men were unable to get milk from the cows at expected time. Also they complain that, day by day, the number of hours the cows performing yoga is increasing since the beef ban protest is also increasing around the country day by day.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article and is a work of fiction. Kindly do not confuse the news on this channel as being genuine and factually true.

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Somewhere in Alien-Land: World renowned organization for awarding random things– UNESCO, Which has earlier given awards to India’s National Anthem, National Song, National Prime Minister, President, and what not, has decided to take their work a step further. Today they have decided to award Virat Kohli for the loss against Pakistan.

The award for most charitable person, as the organization informs, is given to person who goes out of his duty lines to fulfil the wishes of poor and needy.

On 4th of this month, when India beat Pakistan, thousands of television sets in community centers (the only areas presumably in Pakistan where TV sets are found, were broken).

This respectable gesture was shown by VK after receving this award.

Angered at the loss of their property every time India plays Pakistan, the managers of these places had written an emotional letter to Indian team to avoid the watershed beating.

Mr. Jaleel Ahmad of Pakistan TV Breaking Fund informed us, “Pakistan was running short of TV sets to break.”

“We urge Mr. Kohli and his men to have some mercy, and give us some time to get TV sets, before you beat them next”, he requested.

As it is understood, this letter moved Kohli to the core, who also understood that next time India plays Pakistan will be in World Cup 2019. By then, Pakistan would have acquired enough TV sets to again start the routine of breaking.

But, was this the reason for India loosing the match?

You never know; however, UNESCO considers that it was pre decided by Virat and Indian team to only beat them once the poor country has acquired enough funds to buy those TV sets.

After the notification, Officials from Pakistan lended their backing  to this announcement to award Virat.

They are also contemplating to give their highest peace prize to Virat Kohli for understanding the sentiments of poor Pakistanis.

We, as Indian Fans of Cricket and Virat, still back our team. No matter if you win or lose, we support our team. We know, they will be back pretty soon.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article and is a work of fiction. Kindly do not confuse the news on this channel as being genuine and factually true.

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Looking at the craze Cricket finds in the Indian subcontinent, the sharks have tweaked their strategy to catch men for their daily food. Here is how it goes.

Instead of using hot girls statue, the sharks are now using live cricket to catch men.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article and is a work of fiction. Kindly do not confuse the news on this channel as being genuine and factually true.

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New Delhi: A man aged 20 years was admitted to hospital as he collapsed from shock at being offered a seat in the Delhi Metro. Doctors have since diagnosed him with the Privileged Victim Syndrome (PVS) and say that this accident might have helped save his life. He would have probably lost his life if the disorder wasn’t treated soon.

The condition is highly prevalent in urban areas among upper-class young males. It causes patients to become insensitive to the plight of disadvantaged social groups and makes them angry at the ‘special treatment’ that others get but they are denied.

Just another day in Delhi Metro. (Photo courtesy: Jan Davos on Flickr)

The patient spoke to us about his condition. “It is quite exhausting to be nice to everyone. This incident has helped me realize that I was going through the trauma of being denied the right to misbehave in my own country. Can you imagine having to struggle to get a good education? Can you imagine having to respect women when I don’t even think of them as human beings? Why am I being made to feel as if I’m not the second-most important person in the country? (I know who the most important person is, I’m not an entitled brat.)”

The Chief of Looting Helpless Citizens (CLHC) at Expensively Mediocre Hospital told this newspaper that the number of cases reported is increasing day by day. She advises citizens to watch out for the most common symptoms: having an exceptional sense of entitlement, renouncing any responsibility for their behaviour, and whining about social mechanisms to help marginalized groups.

However, there is a silver lining for the patients of this disease. The government has set up a toll-free help line to provide counselling to any person suffering from this disease. It has also been notified that these phone calls may be used for recruiting people who seem the most adept at gathering sympathy votes. Indeed, it looks like India will successfully pretend to be strong enough to rise to the challenge of combatting this disease.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article and is a work of fiction. Kindly do not confuse the news on this channel as being genuine and factually true.

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“Love stories are eternal,” as they say. They stay in our minds forever. Only the plot changes, characters remain the same. This is evident from the number of movies produced in last century on famous romantic pairs in human history- ‘Devdas-Paro‘ and Romeo and Juliet“.

Inspired by the clever approach taken by his bête noire Anurag Kashyap, who changed the theme of Devdas’s love story from ‘love’ to ‘lust’ in Dev.D, India’s CBFC chairman Pahlaj Nihalani has decided to produce a highly-customized version of ‘Romeo and Juliet’ movie, taking inspiration from the recent events in modern India.

Pahlaj Nihalani explaining the plot of movie.
(Photo courtesy: Deccan Chronicle)

Romeo is widely hailed as a romantic-tragic hero throughout the world, but considered a villain in India, thanks to persistent efforts to malign him by forming even a special force (Anti-Romeo Squad) in India’s most populous (and hence most love-making) state Uttar Pradesh.

Pahalaj, whose transformation from a filmmaker of vulgar movies that contained double-meaning songs, to a Sanskari censorist puzzled many, has decided the story of Romeo must be retold considering India’s current societal realities.

Teekhi Mirchi has learnt the new movie from Pahlaj Nihalani, to be tiled ‘Romeo Must Die’, has distorted the original Shakespeare epic masterpiece to a level, that would make the world rethink the way they look at love and romance.

In the movie, The hero Romeo (Muslim by birth) meets a Hindi girl in Garba festival and falls in love with her. The activists of a right-wing group Hindu Yuva Vahini notice them chatting and point out that Non-Hindus are banned in Garba. The hero Romeo is beaten black and blue by the HYV, and handed over to Police.

This prompts a widespread uproar on social media, especially by the liberal brigade, forcing the government to pass an ordinance in Assembly that men can’t talk to women in public, failing which they’ll be held responsible for whatever happens to them next.

The government also decides to form a special commando force named after the boy – “Anti-Romeo Squad” to give a stern message to general public that anybody who dares to defy the order would meet the same fate of Romeo.

The Anti-Romeo Squad puts Romeo in Jail, but the HYV insists on hanging Romeo for daring to trap a Hindu girl, or in other words perpetrating the crime of ‘Love Jehad’.

This prompts a fierce war between ARS and HYV, often violent, but eventually the HYV takes over ARS, and starts working as protector of Indian culture. The movie ends with hanging of the Romeo, and the Indian culture survives this massive crisis.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article and is a work of fiction. Kindly do not confuse the news on this channel as being genuine and factually true.

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New Delhi: It’s firing season in India’s IT sector these days. According to trends and latest predictions by experts, half of India’s current IT workforce would be unemployed in coming 1-3 years. The goverment has now come into rescue mode and has finally found the reason behind this mass IT layoff.

The season of pink slips. (Photo courtesy: Flickr)

According to India’s IT lobby NASSCOM, Indian liberals and human rights activists are responsible for this mess, Indian government has nothing to do with it, economy is doing just fine, and there is nothing to worry about…at least for now.

This latest declaration is in line with the stand taken by government supporter trolls on social media, and India’s mainstream media, who blame Indian liberals for every other problem related to government failure; from riots to Pakistan beheading our soldiers, to Maoist violence and so on.

As the news of this latest condemnable act by liberals and human rights activists spread, Indian mainstream media took a dig at them. Times Now news channel, which is stuggling to raise its tempo even further, thanks to recent Arnab breakup, labasted at liberals and tweeted:

Indian IT professionals losing IT jobs, liberal league takes Sunday off? Watch @thenewshour at 9 PM

#LiberalsHypocisyExposed

But NASSCOM predicted that prevalent gloomy situation in IT sector will cool down, because country is going to get redicalized more in coming years, as is evident from incidents of Gau-Rakshaks, Anti-Romeo-Squads, social media coordinated abuse, ultra-nationalism etc, marginalizing liberal brigade even further.

Goverment is optimistic as well, albeit due to a different reason.

Union Finance, Defence, Corporate Affairs (and the list is endless) Minister Arun Jaitley gave credit to Narendra Modi’s latest mathematical formula (IT+IT=IT) for future possible improvement in IT job scenario.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article and is a work of fiction. Kindly do not confuse the news on this channel as being genuine and factually true.

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Missisipi: Casting a shadow over humans’ ambitious programme to build ‘perfect humanoid robots’ who are to be better than their human counterparts in that they would possess unimaginable high-levels of IQ and EQ, a group of reserachers today claimed that the assumption was ‘incorect’ and ‘misplaced’.

Humanoid Robots protype. (Courtesy: Enigma Force on Flickr)

The researchers believe the humanoids would inevitably snatch the power from humans and rule the future world, as predicted by noted scientist Stephen Hawking, but they will be as desastrous and stupid to mankind as were their antecedents- Homo Sapiens.

“The half-robots will have several religions and castes of their own. In facts, they would possess enough artificial intelligence and machine learning to create and follow several new religions, and to make a massive following at just a small gesture by their eye-like cameras,” predicted a researcher.

“They would sit several hours a day in front of their personal virtual reality computers, abusing and harasing their fellow robots, to prove the point that earth is better shaped if it follows their individual narrow way of thinking,” he added.

The humanoid robots of future will inherit all the bad traits from humans that is going to lead to its half-extinction, fear social scientists, and take that forward to the further journey of wiping off entire remaining life on earth. The earth will continue to stink till complete robots defeat these humanoids, and take over the world from them.

Humanoids are going to use the same tactic the we’ve mastered till now, i.e. “Indulging in more violence to prove we’re not violent,” concluded the lead researcher.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article and is a work of fiction. Kindly do not confuse the news on this channel as being genuine and factually true.

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With Indian media focussed mostly on sensationalization and yellow journalism, one wonders what exactly are real issues of India!

Sometimes I wonder– What’s real issues of this country!

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article and is a work of fiction. Kindly do not confuse the news on this channel as being genuine and factually true.

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New York- A shocking number that raises question over misplaced priorities of humans, a latest research revealed today that overall PR budget of entire planet earth crossed  a whopping $400B last year. This means, earth spent more money than its entire health, food and education budget combined to improve its image in the solar system and beyond.

The first installment of PR budget landed on another planet.

It’s not yet clear who our planet wanted to impress, but experts say it was necessary considering rapidly falling habitabilty on this plant, that, if known to outside worlds, would be enough to discourage any alien interest in settling down here, lowering our self esteem and hurting our ego.

When asked if that much amount could have better spent improving condition back here, so the PR wasn’t required in the first place, the expert replied- the damages we’re doing to earth are unjustifiable, irreversible and an ‘evil necessity’, hence the only option left for us is to publicize to outside worlds that we’re not actually doing those terrible things. They just happen on their own.

The PR and lobbying industry welcomed this development, and many companies have already started working on setting up their bases at several places in the space, to make the earth appear more beautiful, rich in intelligence and habitable.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article and is a work of fiction. Kindly do not confuse the news on this channel as being genuine and factually true.

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