A new study concludes that heavy drinking isn't a marital deal-breaker -- so long as both spouses are consuming the same amount of alcohol.
Researchers at the University at Buffalo followed 634 couples through the first nine years of marriage and discovered that couples who drink similar amounts of alcohol on average are more likely to have a successful marriage than couples who differ in their drinking patterns.
Specifically, 50 percent of couples in which one partner was imbibing significantly more than their spouse ended up divorcing. However, that number dropped to 30 percent for couples who possessed similar drinking habits, regardless of if they were heavy or light drinkers.
“Our results indicate that it is the difference between the couple’s drinking habits, rather than the drinking itself, that leads to marital dissatisfaction, separation and divorce,” Kenneth Leonard, the lead author.
My, Kathiey's, thoughts….
Ah Ha!!! This article may explain our breakup. Joe could not stomach my choice in beverage any longer. Let's see. I enjoy wine. I like a good Riesling, Pinot Grigio, or Chardonnay. I also enjoy what I call girly drinks like frozen daiquiris or a good Rum Punch. Anything tropical. Whereas my Ex liked to indulge in the hard ciders, beer, and various mixed drinks. He would also enjoy the occasional sparkling wine or champagne. So maybe that was the problem all along, our tastes in drinks. As I sit here, enjoying my glass of wine, he is probably somewhere enjoying his favorite alcoholic beverage.
I actually don't believe that our choice in beverages was a contributing factor in the demise of our marriage probably because we are not heavy drinkers. But it is an interesting article that contained many good points.
Interesting theory Huff Post. Something to think about.
If you are married or in a relationship go out with your partner.
This series I am calling The Beginning because it goes back to the beginning of my traumatic life change. I believe you have to share your story to help others on the same journey. So here goes, let's look back and remember and learn.
Those of you who are my friends, those of you who know me, know my story. Those of you who follow this blog will soon know my story. For those of you who wonder how I made it through the first several months of the nightmare, that blindsided me, I am writing a book on the early days. A book of grief, depression, survival, and emotional turmoil. A book of faith. This book is an example of the feelings of one who has been thrown away, as if worthless. I hope to have it published by the end of Aug 2014.
Let us go back to the fall of 2012. August was our 36th wedding anniversary. We went to Waynesville, NC, in the fall to celebrate, and it was a beautiful trip. We would typically wait to celebrate in the cool of the fall when we could enjoy the beauty of the mountains. Off we went to Oak Park Inn.
A lot happened in room 35. "I love you" was spoken many times. We made love many times at least I believed it was love. We spoke of our plans for the future. The focus was on our family. We talked of continuing to fix up our home so we could have family celebrations. We talked about taking family vacations. Life was finally going to be a bit easier, and it was now time to focus on retirement and the blessings of being together and our family. Little did I know all of the ugliness that would transpire in the next few months. Little did I know that I would experience the awfulness of depression and despair. Little did I know that I was soon to be thrown away, and our family divided. Ok, back to better times,
We walked the streets of downtown Waynesville. We went to a craft fair.
We went to see the Elk…
We went hiking…
We visited several restaurants.
I remember this wine bar well. This bar was in a basement on a side street in Waynesville. We ordered wine and shared a cheese tray. We sipped our wine and enjoyed the local band that was playing. We held hands under the table. It was a perfect evening.
So here I am nearly two years later. I am on a completely different path than I ever could have imagined. A path that was not of my choosing. I am finding there are many people on this same or similar path. I am learning my pain is not exclusive. I am also learning how much I need God's presence in my life. I am learning that my faith is the one constant in this life and that I am thankful for it.
It is now 2019. I was left in June of 2013.
My story……to be continued...
If you are going through this type of pain in your life, I understand the depth of despair. Know that you can rely on God to stand beside you to comfort you and to guide you. Don't give up. Take one baby step at a time, and you will find your way.
I came across an article on Huff Post called Karen Carnabucci’s GPS Guide On Relieving Stress. In one portion of her writings she has a link to 100 ways to de-stress. I will slowly go through all 100 and see what works for me. We are all different and what works for one will not always work for another. Lets see what happens....
#1. Chocolate Meditation as found on Psychology Today. The goal is to meditate while eating a bar of chocolate. I do not have a chocolate bar so I will eat a mini Hershey's Chocolate. The directions will be underlined and in italics and my comments will be below each step.
• Open the packet. Inhale the aroma. Let it sweep over you.
I must admit I never really took the time to deliberately smell chocolate. Very nice. I closed my eyes and took slow deep breaths and it was a soothing scent.
• Break off a piece and look at it. Really let your eyes drink in what it looks like, examining every nook and cranny.
Light brown, dense yet smooth.
• Pop it in your mouth. See if it's possible to hold it on your tongue and let it melt, noticing any tendency to suck at it. Chocolate has over 300 different flavours. See if you can sense some of them.
I popped it in my mouth and yes I did notice the tendency to suck on it and I went for it. It did not last long. The flavor I came up with was chocolate:-)
• If you notice your mind wandering while you do this, simply notice where it went, then gently escort it back to the present moment.
OK, lets see if my mind wanders. I took another small piece. The only time my mind wandered was when Brodie came up to see what was going on.
• After the chocolate has completely melted, swallow it very slowly and deliberately. Let it trickle down your throat.
Oh no! I am going way too fast. I have already melted, sucked and swallowed 2 bites.
I still have at least 2 more so let's try the slowly and deliberate trick.
So what happened? I went directly to the sucking not the melting.
I did try to swallow slowly but that did nothing for me.
• Repeat this with one other piece.
I have one more piece. Popped it in my mouth, chewed and swallowed. Yummy:-)
How do you feel? Is it different from normal? Did the chocolate taste better than if you'd just eaten it at a normal breakneck pace? Do you feel fuller that normal, more satisfied?
I feel fine. I do think I had a true chocolate experience. I don't feel fuller then normal or more satisfied. I would say that if anything in this experiment was a stress reliever it would be the scent of the chocolate. Taking the time to smell the chocolate was pleasant.
In conclusion. I have found the scent of chocolate to be soothing.
Sometimes fear does get in our head and in our way. The fear of failure, the fear of the unknown, the doubt that we are incapable of success may block our progress. If we listen to that negative voice in our head, I believe we will miss many opportunities. What does God say?
"Have I not commanded you?
Be Strong and Courageous!
Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged,
for the lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9 was one of my go-to verses when my marriage of 37 years dissolved. I was afraid, and I was anything but courageous. God has helped me with the fear and uncertainty and continues to hold me daily, and for that, I am thankful.
Overcoming our fears may be easier said than done, and I believe it is a process. I think to strengthen our faith; we must practice our faith. For me, this meant giving my fears to God over and over again as they would continue to rear their ugly head. Yes, our concerns may still exist, but if we continue to place them in God's hands, we can overcome them, to the extent that we do not let them paralyze us.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God". 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Have you ever really looked at an apple tree? I guess some apple trees stand straight and tall. But I am drawn to the apple trees that are crooked and bent, the ones that appear broken. It is surprising to me that a tree that looks so damaged can produce such beautiful fruit, thus making the tree itself complete.
I can't help but compare these crooked trees to our lives. We get beat up in so many ways in life. The causes of pain and confusion are endless. As we deal with difficulty, it may appear at times that we don't have the strength to go on. Luckily we have God who walks beside us in our times of most profound need. Through God's compassion and comfort, we will regain our strength. No, we may never be the same as we were before our trauma, but we are now better equipped because of it. We are better equipped to trust God, better equipped to follow the path that God wants us to take, and we are better equipped to help others on the same path. Yes, we may be a bit worse for the wear, but that will not hinder us from producing beautiful fruit just like the apple tree.
Deitra Hicks also Datra Hicks sings in court LMAO - YouTube
I am now six years away from the initial pain of an unwanted and unnecessary divorce and can now laugh at video clips like this one. In the early days, I probably could not have watched this video; it would have been far too painful.
I know we all deal with pain and anger differently. Some of our methods of dealing with such trauma are positive, and some maybe not so much. Miss Hicks attempt to overcome her anger came in the form of humming. I do agree that humming or singing is a positive way to deal with anger.
At the beginning of this type of nightmare, you are merely trying to survive. How did I cope with anger and despair in the early days? Days and weeks of crying, denial, journaling, reaching out to my friends, not eating, exercising, and listening to Christian music.
Legally I dealt with my feelings by seeking the truth through any means possible. My attorney suggested I hire a private investigator, that I subpoena bank records, phone, and other records. Digital forensic scoured an old computer that I had found. Learning the truth was painful, but I needed to know.
So how do I deal with these negative emotions today? Exercise, Zumba, writing, devotional time, praying, just going out, and having fun. I have learned more about the reality of my situation since the day it began. I still want to know the full truth. I want to know it all.
How do you deal with anger or pain associated with divorce or any other life trauma? I would love to know. By sharing you may be helping someone else on a similar journey. God Bless! KathieyV