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 A BABY’S GUIDE TO BABIES (BECAUSE PARENTS ARE IDIOTS)

LESSON 3: How not to be an arsehole visitor

Did you know that moving house is considered one of life’s most stressful events?

So imagine not only moving house, but moving entire universes. Because that my friends, is how it feels when new babies relocate from Inside A Woman to Outside A Woman. It’s a BIG deal.

Seriously, it is crazy on the outside! Every single thing we see is new and strange. I once just stared at a cushion for three hours. THREE HOURS spent just trying to work out what the hell it’s game was.

Have you ever wondered why babies sometimes cry a lot for no apparent reason? It’s because we are living in a state of continuous mind-fuckery ( I believe the grown ups call this ‘colic’).

Then there’s all the noise! That was almost enough to make me want to crawl back through mummy’s lush womb curtains.

Imagine going from hearing to nothing but the dulcet tones of a heart beat, perhaps the low hum of distant voices…to being surrounded by big fat shouty humans speaking at you in a language that you do not understand. IT IS WEIRD SHIT.

So when I arrived at the place my parents called ‘home’ for the first time I needed a bit of down time. The chance to get used to my new crib in peace. But did I get it? No. I. Did. Not.

Instead, I was subjected to doors knocking, phones ringing, gadgets beeping, cooing, wooing, people sniffing me, prodding me, squeezing me, peepo-ing in my frigging face and telling me I look like Uncle fucking Jack (Uncle Jack is an overweight 55-year-old lorry driver. I do NOT and never have looked like a an overweight 55-year-old lorry driver).

I don’t know why my parents let anyone come in. I blame Mary, myself.  Poor baby Jesus, had quite literally just been born when she let the world, his wife and some random shepherds come for a visit! She set a precedent, right there. Idiot.

The thing is, even though mummy looked and felt like crap, she was getting up and down, making tea, answering doors, taking phone calls and handing out chocolate digestives like they were going out of fashion.

What she should have been doing is sitting on her SORE stitched-up arse as much as possible and resting BUT she didn’t because, as I may have mentioned, parents are idiots.

So if you have just had a baby — don’t be an idiot.

CHILL OUT. A baby is yours to keep forever.  You have plenty of time to show your bundle of joy off to family, friends or random shepherds.

OK, OK, I know you’ll still get those arseholes visitors who won’t take no for an answer, but do not worry.  For those people I have laid down a few ground rules. You’re welcome.

Dear arsehole visitors,

New parents are tired, overwhelmed and mostly just want to be left the hell alone.

However, if you must turn up to welcome their newborn into the world right THIS MINUTE please adhere to the following guidelines.

1. Visitors are not permitted to arrive unannounced

This will be treated as an act of pure evil.

2. Visitors are not permitted to ask questions

Will you be getting the baby christened? When will she go in her own room? Will you co-sleep? Will you use breast or bottle? When do you think you’ll go back to work?

New parents do not need this kind of interrogation. They are knackered! They can barely work out what they are having for breakfast, let alone which school they will send their child too.

3. Bring presents (for mummy)

Seriously, doesn’t the woman who just pushed a small human out of her vagina, deserve something? Perhaps champagne or a box of chocolates? The baby has basically sat on it’s arse for the past nine months. It literally got the gift of LIFE.

4. Visitors must not under any circumstances mention ‘sleep’

How is baby sleeping? Are you getting much sleep? Does baby sleep through yet?

NONE of these questions are acceptable. Babies sleep like babies — ie. waking up all the bloody time for food, comfort or a nappy change. So please take it as a given that most new parents aren’t sleeping. So don’t be a dick. Shut the hell up about sleep and make a damn coffee.

5. Make your own bloody tea

Unlike the newborn you have come to visit, you are quite capable of taking care of yourself so get off your pile-free bum and make everyone a cuppa. Better still, stop off at Costa on the way to save leaving any washing up.

6. Change a nappy

It is a shit job but someone’s got to do it and that someone is usually mummy or daddy so come on, it is YOUR turn.

7. Wash your hands

You may think you have clean hands until you meet the mother of a newborn.

BUT it is a real true fact that new mothers are highly adept in detecting dirt invisible to the naked eye. She is well aware that on every square centimetre of your hand there are 1,500 bacteria.

And the moment you touch her baby’s face or, god forbid, let the baby suck your finger (why?)  – she can see all 50,000 of those germy little tossers wriggling off your hand and into her baby’s brand new little mouth.

CONCLUSION

You have just had an actual baby. You made a tiny human with your body. This is massive life changing stuff. You and your baby are physically and emotionally exhausted.

So take time to yourself  to wear your dirty pyjamas and stumble about in the dark like a zombie.

Spend those first few weeks cherishing the nappy explosions, the sleepless nights and the endless vomiting.

Savour being able to swear out loud while baby is too young to understand without being frowned at by Great Aunt Joyce.

People will get that you need time to acclimatise to your new life as parents.

If they do not then they are arseholes and so you’ve got to ask yourself – do I want to be friends with arseholes? (The answer is no, by the way).

Join me next time for Lesson Number 4:  Separation anxiety or where the hell did mummy go? Or Feel free to check out my other lessons in the series…

Lesson 1: How Babies Actually Work

Lesson 2: A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

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The post A Baby’s Guide To Dealing With Arseholes appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

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(Picture: Getty)

A guest post by naturopathic nutritionist Lisa Sheehy.  

SO you survived morning sickness, dealt with not drinking even when the world drove you to it, and managed to somehow bend, roll over and sleep with an enormous bump.

Labour was everything they warned you about and more but finally your baby was born. Ten tiny fingers, ten tiny toes, overwhelming love and that deliciously scented head.

You sunk back into a plump nest of V shaped pillows and organic linen as the baby slept peacefully. A mother at last, creator of life, accomplished, calm and fulfilled. Right?

Well, maybe not so much  – reality can bite. Sore nipples, sleep deprivation, sore lady bits and a desperate need for some peace can be tough. Because babies cry. A lot. Around two hours a day in the first six weeks according to a recent study.  

But what if you have fed, burped and nappy changed your baby and they still cry. What then?

Colic involves lots of threes

The NHS use the term ‘colic’ to define a healthy baby who cries excessively and can’t be soothed. (

The number three is used a lot to explain what excessive crying looks like. WebMD.com say that most doctors define this as ‘more than three hours a day more than 3 days a week for at least three week’ (4) Ouch.

That’s a lot of crying!

The frustration of people not knowing WHY

Even though around 28 per cent of UK newborns suffer from colic there is still no medical consensus on why it happens. (6)

This is where naturopathy could come to the rescue imagine a superhero now – maybe a more feminist, fatter and hippyish version of wonderwoman.

When I say I am a naturopathic nutritionist people often look at me in a baffled way. I understand because I had never heard of one until I was about 30 either!

I was a cancer and Macmillan nurse for 14 years but after learning about the power of plants and herbs I became hooked on natural healing and quit!

Naturopaths are like hippy health detectives, we do a thorough assessment to find the root cause of illness and use food, supplements or herbs to restore balance and relieve discomfort.

So what could cause colic?

Sometimes people will jump immediately to cutting things out of your baby’s diet but if you are breastfeeding look at this first.

Digestion

If you have looked at any boob related issues and colic persists it’s time to look at digestion. As Hippocrates famously said 2000 years ago ‘all disease begins in the gut’ and it is true. Babies digestive systems can be delicate and sometimes need some support

Probiotics

Those friendly gut bacteria help digestion and sometimes babies need a bit of help to get the right balance. When babies are born vaginally they are exposed to vaginal and faecal bacteria via their eyes, nose, lips and mouth. Though this sounds a bit icky, it is actually a good thing – you are giving the gift of probiotics through your bodily fluids! Don’t feel guilty if you had to have a C-section though – Optibac do an excellent range of probiotics for tiny people. (8)

 Bottle Feeding

I’m not going to lecture you, don’t worry. We all know that breastfeeding offers a whole host of benefits but unfortunately it does not work out for everybody. So if it’s not an option for you, what formula should you choose?

I would suggest going for the best you can afford. UK law prevents any form of advertisement of specific formulas but look for brands which are organic.

If your baby is getting digestive issues like wind, reflux or constipation/diarrhoea after a feed, it’s a good idea to look at the formula.

Around five per cent of babies have issues with allergies or intolerances, though testing is not reliable until they are around a year old. (7) It is a good idea to watch closely for symptoms.

The top three allergens are dairy, wheat and soya but finding a formula without any of these is very challenging. Trial dairy-free first and go sequentially through the others if issues persist. I would advise that at this point you seek support from a GP or naturopathic nutritionist.

Excluding Foods

If it’s not a formula sensitivity issue and probiotics have not helped,

it’s time to look at YOUR diet. Of course this only applies if you are breastfeeding.

Bad guy number one is cow’s milk with a fair few studies showing that colic can improve following removal(10).

Good news for broccoli haters – cruciferous vegetables can cause increased gas and removal from the diet reduces colic symptoms in some studies. (11)

Remember that though eliminating foods can be a drag it’s just for a few months and if its effective could be a total sanity saver.

Fourth Trimester Theory

So your boobs are fine, you have given up bread, chocolate and all sorts and your baby is still crying. You have my greatest of sympathies but please don’t give up!

Pediatrician Harvey Karp wrote his book ‘The Happiest Baby on the Block ’ all about the ‘fourth trimester’. After 20 years of research he concluded that babies are born at nine months because of their head size but could really benefit from another three months before they are able to cope with the stresses of the outside world.

He was initially inspired by a lecture about the Kung San tribe in South Africa where he learned that colic does not exist there. His research found that babies are nursed 50-100 times a day and have lots of skin-to-skin contact.  Check out his 5 S Theory below.

This too will pass…

I know this is difficult – Many people describe colic as the hardest thing they have ever gone through.

But please be patient with yourself and if you do go down the naturopathic route to try to figure it out,  bear in mind it can take time and does involve a lot of trial and error.

Caring for an endlessly crying baby is very tough, but simply by following the principles and steps above should empower you to get to the root of the issue and see improvements.

There is no cure-all solution but colic is also not as mysterious as it is made out to be!

Lisa Sheehy is a straight-talking naturopathic nutritionist and former Macmillan nurse. She writes about everything from sex and alcohol to colic!

You can contact Lisa for a bespoke assessment of you and your baby’s needs at lisasheehy83@gmail.com or find her on Facebook and read her blog www.nomadicnourishingact.com

The post GUEST POST: How to survive the ‘C’ word – coping with colic appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

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You know all that stuff THEY warn you about when you have a baby?

PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you.

Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin.

Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves.

Babies need 16 hours of sleep a day or bad, bad things will happen…

Don’t let them sleep on you or the world will end. That kind of thing.

Well, it’s all bollocks.

And all those warning about not letting a baby sleep in your bed or they’ll have to sleep with you for the rest of their life. Along with the stuff about how creating a sleep crutch for your baby will  condemn them to HELL?

All total bollocks.

‘THEY’ lied to me and they are lying to you too.

My kids are five and six-years-old now and I don’t ever feed them to sleep, they can self settle and as far as I can tell they are not gremlins.

They are happy and healthy DESPITE never sleeping fuckteen hours a night when they were babies.

What’s more, now this may blow your mind, but I fed my youngest to sleep until she was two and a half and these days she walks and talks and goes to school like a normal kid!

Then there’s my six-year-old who once upon a time would ONLY sleep on me? Well, last night she asked me to stop singing a lullaby (I was nailing it by the way) because she wanted to read.

And it is not just my children.  I know hundreds of people who’s offspring sleep perfectly fine despite never, ever going down drowsy but awake when they were infants.

I wish someone had told me that ‘they’ were full of bollocks when I had babies. I wasted so much time and money desperately trying to get my babies to sleep like the Bollockmongers told me they should sleep.

I would have still been knackered but I wouldn’t have been so bloody stressed!

If only I had trusted my instincts over the expert advice, maybe I wouldn’t have felt like such a failure who was rubbish at babies. Because now I look at my bright, funny, clever and well-rested kids and I KNOW for a fact I did nothing wrong.

My youngest daughter still climbs into my bed during the night but these days I don’t care what ‘They’ say. In fact, I don’t even know what They say because I stopped listening to their bollocks a long time ago.  I just know that when she grows out of it – which she WILL- I’ll miss those twilight cuddles.

I regret believing the bollocks. I regret trying so hard NOT to let my firstborn sleep in my bed. I’ll always regret throwing out my comfy old dressing gown BUT I’ll never regret letting my children sleep with me, settling them to sleep or letting them snooze on my chest.

So, parents. Next time someone tries to tell you what you should be doing with your child, just nod, smile, mutter ‘bollocks’ under your breath and walk away.

Read some of my bollocks.. So I do this now. Writing important stuff  about internet dicks and men taking so long to do a shit for satire news site Daily Mash and for TV’s Mash Report which included this viral message to all women..I also still write for Metro and you can find my stuff here..

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever…

Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights . It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless updates using the form below..

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The post It’s all a load of bollocks appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

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Tearfulness, anxiety, loss of or increased appetite, exhaustion, lack of motivation and irritability are all symptoms of sleep-deprivation.

They are also symptoms of depression.

This coupled with the fact that depression can lead to exhaustion and exhaustion can make you feel low is why so many cases of postnatal depression go undiagnosed.

The mother often believes she is just totally and utterly shattered and that she’d be fine if she could JUST GET SOME BLOODY SLEEP!

I was that mother.

I felt awful after I had my first baby but as she woke up at least every half an hour during the night,  I was convinced I was just really bloody tired.

I was bound to feel low, living on so little sleep, right?

People kept telling me I just ‘needed a good night’s rest’, but the thing was, even after I had managed to get some rest, I still felt exhausted, anxious and depressed.

By the time I was diagnosed with postnatal depression (PND), I was really unwell and I wished I had got help sooner.

When I had my second baby, I was sleep-deprived but fortunately, I did not have PND.

With two daughters under two I was still exhausted, anxious and depressed but it wasn’t as all-consuming and I could see beyond it. I didn’t feel so hopeless.

Although some traits of PND and sleep-deprivation are similar –  my healthy mind and my unwell mind responded to those symptoms in very different ways.

Every single case of PND is very different, but this is how I could tell the difference:

PND VS SLEEP DEPRIVATION….(continued)..

Read the full article if you fancy it over at Metro UK.

THE BOOK:  There is also a whole chapter on this in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How To survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The Fzzk To sleep. Hardback  copy on Amazon for just £7.19 right now!

You can read my other Metro articles on everything from sleep and babies to sexual harassment and packaging over here…

The post Sleep-deprivation VS PND: Depressed or tired? appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

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Sleep Is For The Weak is for anyone who has ever been kept awake by a baby…night, after night, after night…

I am not going to lie.

This book will not tell you how to get your baby to sleep through the night.

In fact, it won;t even tell you how to get them to take a nap.

But it WILL teach you how NOT to sleep through the night without punching someone in the face, killing your partner or selling your offspring to  a travelling circus.

It also provides realistic sleep guides, humorous no-sleep solutions, hilarious imagery and lots of REAL TRUE facts by the Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies.

So this book might make Supernanny throw herself off the naughty step and it may even cause Gina Ford to have contented kittens, but it might just help you survive the sleepless nights. 

Combining some of my own experiences in emotive detail from Postnatal Depression and severe sleep-deprivation to accidentally being branded the Playgroup Pervert, with witty illustrations and a fair bit of sarcasm, this unique book will serve as a source of inspiration, laughter and hope for tired parents!

ORDER HERE Hard back copy just £7.19 today! 

Alternatively, it is available from lots of lovely libraries and book shops!

Feel free to share your stories in the comments below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

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The post Sleep Is For The Weak: The Book appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

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(Picture: Getty)

A shocking number of women are sharing their personal accounts of sexual abuse on social media under the #MeToo hashtag, which has (of course) led to some confusion among the usual idiots…

There appears to be some concern as to the difference between flirting and sexual harassment.

I would just like to clarify for the benefit of those idiots, that they are absolutely NOT the same. One is playful – the other is predatory. Put in simple terms – it is the difference between a cheeky wink and a dirty great grope.

You’d think it would be pretty simple NOT to be a pervert. The rule of thumb is basically:

“Do not touch a woman in a sexual way unless she says it is ok. Do not talk to a women in a sexual way unless she says it is ok.”

That really is all there is to it. But if you are still concerned you may accidentally sexually harass a woman then let me try and explain using cake.

The Cake Scenario

I am out one night and this bloke comes up to me and he’s got this great big chocolate cake in his hands. Then all of a sudden he takes a massive slice and shoves it right in my mouth.

So I’m like, “What the hell are you doing, mate?”

“Giving you some cake,” he says.

“But I didn’t ask for cake.” I tell him.

He then says, “You should be flattered that I want to give you cake.”

“Why would I be flattered that you think I am the kind of person who is happy to have cake forced on her in public?” I ask.

To which he then replied, “why, don’t you like cake?”

“That is not the point,” I tell him. “I like cake as much as anyone but I like to eat it on my terms.

“I don’t want to be forced to eat cake. I don’t want to be coerced into eating cake. I don’t want to be scared into eating cake. And I definitely do not want someone to come up behind me and shove their cake at me.

“I want to choose where and when and with whom, I eat cake. That should be like, a standard human right.

“The thing is, this is my body and I, alone, get to decide what I do with it. It belongs to me and no one else and I do not want your fucking cake anywhere near it.”

There you have it. NOT being a pervert is a piece of cake.

So next time you approach a woman you find attractive, DO WHAT NORMAL NON-PERVERT MEN DO.

Don’t mention cake, even if you really want to give her some.

Don’t rub your cake against her or even talk about all the ways you’d like to have cake with her. Instead chat non-cake related stuff, maybe have a drink, swap numbers and if it all goes well, perhaps THEN politely let her know that there is cake on the table and you would like to share it with her, if she ever fancies it.

Basically, as a general rule of thumb; just keep your dirty great cake in it’s tin until someone asks for A SLICE.

You never know, one day- you might end up like these guys…

(Picture:Getty)

I WROTE A BOOK (it’s not about cake)

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Email Address

The post An Idiot’s Guide To NOT Being A Pervert appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

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(Picture: Getty)

 A BABY’S GUIDE TO BABIES (BECAUSE PARENTS ARE IDIOTS)

LESSON 3: A BABY’S GUIDE TO VISITING A NEWBORN

Did you know that moving house is considered one of life’s most stressful events?

So imagine not only moving house, but moving entire universes. Because that my friends, is how it feels when new babies relocate from Inside A Woman to Outside A Woman. It’s a BIG deal.

Seriously, it is crazy on the outside! Every single thing we see is new and strange. I once just stared at a cushion for three hours. THREE HOURS spent just trying to work out what the hell it’s game was!

Have you ever wondered why babies sometimes cry a lot for no apparent reason? It’s because we are living in a state of continuous mind-fuckery ( I believe the grown ups call this ‘colic’).

Then there’s all the noise! That was almost enough to make me want to crawl back through mummy’s lush womb curtains.

Imagine going from hearing to nothing but the dulcet tones of a heart beat, perhaps the low hum of distant voices…to being surrounded by big fat shouty humans speaking at you in a language that you do not understand. IT IS WEIRD SHIT.

So when I arrived at the place my parents called ‘home’ for the first time I needed a bit of down time. The chance to get used to my new world in peace. But did I get it? No. I. Did. Not.

Instead, I was subjected to doors knocking, phones ringing, gadgets beeping, cooing, wooing, people sniffing me, prodding me, squeezing me, peepo-ing in my face and telling me I look like Uncle fucking Jack (Uncle Jack is an overweight 55-year-old lorry driver. I do NOT and never have looked like a an overweight 55-year-old lorry driver).

I don’t know why my parents let anyone come in. I blame Mary and Joseph, myself.  Poor baby Jesus, had quite literally just been born when she let the world, his wife and some random shepherds come for a visit! She set a precedent, right there. Idiot.

The thing is, even though mummy looked and felt like crap, she was getting up and down, making tea, answering doors, taking phone calls and handing out chocolate digestives like they were going out of fashion.

What she should have been doing is sitting on her SORE stitched-up arse as much as possible and resting BUT she didn’t because, as I may have mentioned, parents are idiots.

So if you have just had a baby — don’t be an idiot.

CHILL OUT. A baby is yours to keep forever.  You have plenty of time to show your bundle of joy off to family, friends or random shepherds.

OK, OK, I know you’ll still get those arseholes visitors who won’t take no for an answer, but do not worry.  For those people I have laid down a few ground rules. You’re welcome.

Dear arsehole visitors,

New parents are tired, overwhelmed and mostly just want to be left the hell alone.

However, if you must turn up to welcome their newborn into the world right THIS MINUTE please adhere to the following guidelines.

1. Visitors are not permitted to arrive unannounced

This will be treated as an act of pure evil.

2. Visitors are not permitted to ask questions

Will you be getting the baby christened? When will she go in her own room? Will you co-sleep? Will you use breast or bottle? When do you think you’ll go back to work?

New parents do not need this kind of interrogation. They are knackered! They can barely work out what they are having for breakfast, let alone which school they will send their child too.

3. Bring presents (for mummy)

Seriously, doesn’t the woman who just pushed a small human out of her vagina, deserve something? Perhaps champagne or a box of chocolates? The baby has basically sat on it’s arse for the past nine months. It literally got the gift of LIFE.

4. Visitors must not under any circumstances mention ‘sleep’

How is baby sleeping? Are you getting much sleep? Does baby sleep through yet?

NONE of these questions are acceptable. Babies sleep like babies — ie. waking up all the bloody time for food, comfort or a nappy change. So please take it as a given that most new parents aren’t sleeping. So don’t be a dick. Shut the hell up about sleep and make a damn coffee.

5. Make your own bloody tea

Unlike the newborn you have come to visit, you are quite capable of taking care of yourself so get off your pile-free bum and make everyone a cuppa. Better still, stop off at Costa on the way to save leaving any washing up.

6. Change a nappy

It is a shit job but someone’s got to do it and that someone is usually mummy or daddy so come on, it is YOUR turn.

7. Wash your hands

You may think you have clean hands until you meet the mother of a newborn.

BUT it is a real true fact that new mothers are highly adept in detecting dirt invisible to the naked eye. She is well aware that on every square centimetre of your hand there are 1,500 bacteria.

And the moment you touch her baby’s face or, god forbid, let the baby suck your finger (why?)  – she can see all 50,000 of those germy little tossers wriggling off your hand and into her baby’s brand new little mouth.

CONCLUSION

You have just had an actual baby. You made a tiny human with your body. This is massive life changing stuff. You and your baby are physically and emotionally exhausted.

So take time to yourself  to wear your dirty pyjamas and stumble about in the dark like a zombie.

Spend those first few weeks cherishing the nappy explosions, the sleepless nights and the endless vomiting.

Savour being able to swear out loud while baby is too young to understand without being frowned at by Great Aunt Joyce.

People will get that you need time to acclimatise to your new life as parents.

If they do not then they are arseholes and so you’ve got to ask yourself – do I want to be friends with arseholes? (The answer is no, by the way).

Join me next time for Lesson Number 4:  Separation anxiety or where the hell did mummy go? Or Feel free to check out my other lessons in the series…

Lesson 1: How Babies Actually Work

Lesson 2: A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Email Address

The post A Baby’s Guide To Dealing With Arseholes appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

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A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb

The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.

I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.

Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?

Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??

‘Where the hell is my womb?’  We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.”

What I am trying to say is that being born is no picnic. So when you are done cooing and wooing about this amazing thing you just made with your body, please spare a thought for your newborn.

This tiny human has gone from living an extremely sheltered life to being exposed to a zillion strange sounds and smells and giant humans getting right up in their faces and squeezing their adorably chubby cheeks.

Speaking as someone who left the womb not too long ago I can tell you that in those early days we feel vulnerable, confused and as quite frankly, scared as shit. And it’s not like we can call the Samaritans or Google ‘are baby-eating bears a thing?’ We got to work it all out for ourselves.

Put me down and you will regret it

The only thing we know is mummy (FYI, mummies, you look a lot better from the outside).  We recognise her smell, her voice, her spirit and her heart beat.

She is the only familiar thing in Outside of Womb and the only person who can make a newborn feel truly safe.

Who is the daddy?

I imagine right now some of you idiots are thinking  ‘ooh but what about daddies? Surely, they make their offspring feel safe too? Who wrote this sexist bumshit?’

So let me explain. I love daddy. He rocks. But back in those early days, not so much. You have got to understand. I had no idea who the hell he was.

He was just a stranger who kept taking me off mummy then staring at me with his big hairy face.

This is all newborns know about daddies:

a) They get stuff for mummy.

b) They take us from mummy.

c) We haven’t lived inside them.

So the reason we often cry when daddies pick us up is because at this point they are just  Wombless Baby Stealers! Look, it is nothing personal – it is just that newborns rarely trust  someone they haven’t seen the inside of.

Conclusion

What new babies actually need:

1) Peace and quiet to adapt to Outside World

2) To get to know Mummy from the outside

3) Time to work out whether to trust the Hairy Wombless Baby Stealer

4) Milk

What new parents actually need:

1) Sleep

So don’t be an idiot. You have just made a baby with your body. You are learning how to be a family.  You and your baby are tired and overwhelmed.

GO HOME.

Don’t try and do all the stuff. Forget the laundry. Forget about tidying up. Forget about getting dressed if necessary. None of this stuff matters now. All the matters is your baby because she is the boss of you now. Forever. Get used to it.

Forget the  arseholes friends and family who want to come and visit you and your bundle of joy before you have even had a chance to push the placenta out.

Be still, be quiet, be together and take care of yourself and your baby. Everything else can wait.

Good luck! Join me next week for Lesson 3:   Embracing Parenthood: kissing goodbye to nights out, sex, sleep, clean hair and other things that distract you from your new baby

You can also read part 1 of this series right here…

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there! It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

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The post A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

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SELF-SOOTHING IS BOLLOCKS, SAYS BABY.

A BABY girl has claimed that self-soothing is total and utter bollocks.

Six-month-old Rosie Brown also stated that being ripped from a pleasantly warm bosom when she is on the verge of dozing off, to be put down ‘drowsy but awake’ is really fucking annoying.

Rosie said: “One minute I am snuggled up on mummy or daddy feeling all cosy then BAM, I am shoved into what I can only describe as a wooden prison of DOOM. So of course, then I am way too pissed off to sleep for the rest of the night.”

“I remember this one night I cried and nobody came to get me for ages and I heard mummy say, ‘Google said babies should learn to settle themselves to sleep.’

“I don’t know who Google is but he sounds like a right wanker.”

“Rosie’s mum said: “I don’t get it. The baby experts say she should be sleeping while drowsy and awake after self-settling into a consistent routine…or she will turn into an obese dragon or something.

Fuck knows. I’m so tired.”

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Email Address

The post BREAKING NEWS: Self-Soothing is Bollocks appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

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