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The Blog Blender | The art of chaoticall.. by Dragonflypeds5@gmail.com - 1y ago

I recently went on a tirade that I felt was incredibly necessary to be voiced/written. A few events caused an avalanche of emotion that I ended up speaking up about. Speaking up about it caused a backlash response that, although the backlash was not entirely true and incredibly painful, it made me realize that I am harboring too much anger ‘baggage’ and it was time to let it go. So I am.

The backlash I received has caused me to re-evaluate my entire life, my entire existence, and my here and now. Although the backlash was incredibly painful, as I said, it was necessary to help me see the light and I have. Seeing this light has changed everything, absolutely everything and I am very thankful for it.

When I got divorced several years ago, I was able to afford counseling for my two kids but not for myself. I used my blogging to get out my pain, anger, and frustration thinking that this was enough and it would ‘fix’ everything but I was dead wrong.

Recent events have allowed me to see that I needed counseling because I was not over my anger and frustration. Going to counseling has been the best decision that I could have ever made, plus, the Professor and I are going together because this blending crap is not easy and carrying along the hurts from the past are not healthy.

Losing 16 years of my life makes me so angry I could just spit, a lot, and yes, it was not all the ‘other’s’ fault, I had a hand in the ending of my 16-year relationship too but I feel very wronged in so many ways. Counseling is helping me cope with this and I am so thankful for folks in the counseling world. Getting counseling is not a weakness and in some ways, I think I didn’t get it at first because I thought I was stronger than I actually was.

The Professor and I suffer from a form of post-traumatic stress disorder and here is how I know this.

There are moments in time where my son will behave in a way or say something a certain way that reminds me of my painful lost 16 year years and it is as if I am reliving certain painful events . . . it’s like breaking open a sore that is just trying desperately to heal. When this happens, my gut just wrenches and I react in a way that I am not proud of because I am thrown back to the ‘lost’ years. The memories alter my personality if you will but temporarily.

No one has any idea what went on, no one. I am often judged and I get it, judging is easy and keeps your life safe and protected but folks don’t know the whole truth and never will. It’s easy to stay in your bubble of bliss and not get your hands dirty with the other half of what can happen in certain situations. Your misunderstanding can be very painful for a person but your ignorance I will and can accept.

My life is forever changed and my past has made me the person that I am today. A person that the Professor loves and cherishes, a person that my kids have told me they look up to for all of the hard work it takes to raise kids virtually alone, and a person that is a better therapist because of her growing understanding of the human existence.

I would never wish my past away as it has made me a strong understanding woman and I would never want to change that. Although the judgment of others can hurt, its worth the pain to grow as a human being and become the best possible person I can be on this lovely planet that God has given us. My pain has made me who I am today and I am proud of the person I have become. I am a person that is broken but seeking help to become whole again. Thank you to our counselor, I have faith that you will help us in so many ways.

To all you folks out there who are suffering, seek counseling because another person’s perspective can help dramatically!

Love y’all!!

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Change is inevitable and can either hurt you or save you. I myself love change because with change comes learning and if you know me, I crave knowledge.

In a month or so, my son will be heading to college. I don’t even feel old enough to have a college kid as my mind considers myself still at the awesome age of 22. After all, age is only a number marking your time on our lovely planet. I don’t act my age, according to folks who seem to feel they need to dictate what your age should look like. No, I have and always will think outside the box…way outside the box.

I will wear white after Labor day or whatever the hell that day is that you shouldn’t wear white after, I will continue to dress the way that I do because it is comfortable, booting ‘fashion’ to the wayside because I don’t give a crap, I will still continue to not wear shoes when I drive, though it is against the law, a law that I think is absolutely stupid, I will continue not to go to church because I have the closest relationship with God that I have ever had and organized religion is a business and I want to go to heaven, not tithe and pay for the electricity and the salaries of the business of religion, I will eat meat on Friday’s during Lent, and so on.

I am tired of society dictating what things should look like, smell like, the time it should take, the words that need to be said, what size I am, if my hair is long or short, and so on. I’m tired of labels, paying fees to be married, fees for having a dog, co-pays, deductibles, fees for having a blog site, taxes, and so on.

I’m tired of society dictating my life!

I have made many many changes over the last 6 years of my life. I have changed husbands, changed houses, changed OT clinics, changed friends, changed my diet, changed my hair, changed my attitude, changed my mindset, changed my everything!

I have devoted my life to studying, also a change, so I can provide the absolute best OT treatment that I can for my OT kids and families.

My entire life has changed and for the better and although my family dynamic is changing drastically in the next several weeks, I embrace it as this type of change is good. I can’t wait to see how my hard work with my son will pay off as he is in college developing a life for himself.

I can’t wait to see what my daughter will accomplish, though we hit quite a bump her sophomore year. I have faith in her, more faith than she will ever perceive.

I am embracing change as it has helped me grow into a person that I am proud of being. I also found the love of my life along the way.

Change is not always easy, but your attitude towards the change makes all the difference.

Change has been good for me and I welcome it every day. Seek change as it might very well surprise you.

Love y’all!!

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Evidently, I lied about taking a break as I had memories to look back on in my Facebook alerts today and 2 of them were from blogs that I had written 1 and 2 years ago. Sitting down to read and re-live a blog that I had written, I realized that I need this blog as it is a cleansing of sorts for some of the crazy energy that flies through my body and brain each day.

I know I may seem silly, but writing seems to be a sort of therapy for me and Lord knows I need all the therapy I can get as life throws curvy type fireballs at me and I drop and trip over all of my lemons (see several million blogs ago).

One of the many weird things about me is that I notice the way people talk, their words, the way their mouths move, and how they use their hands. I don’t know why, so don’t bother to ask. I have a hard time focusing on someone talking that has a lisp or any speech impediment because I focus on the lisp/impediment and not the words gauging how my speech therapy friend could help them in so many ways.

Yes, it is part of my ADHD, as are many things like how I will lose my friggin’ mind if, while I am driving, something is rattling in my car. I have been known to pull over and seek the rattling out so it can be eliminated lest I go mad. I also hate the tick-tick-tick sound that a ceiling fan will make if not balanced properly. I just turn the sucker off, even if I am sweating my clothes off. With regard to my OT kids, I HAVE to figure out how to help them to the point of a bit crazy. I take my job very very seriously! ADHD has many faces, these are a few.

This is just a glimpse into my overly busy mind and when someone is overly busy, mental friction can happen, if you will, and you need to release it, hence my blogging lest there be a fire in my brain.

So, since my ‘final’ post, haha, a few interesting things have occurred that are worth throwing out there.

  1. It has become very apparent that my mom and 2 sisters have lost their sweet precious minds and they keep texting our group that they want to run away and not come back. That this winter has been just awful for their seasonal affect disorder and they are done, just done. There are career choice questions, men that irritate them statements, and kids that act like they are on crack. I hear their cry and if I had a million billion dollars, I’d rent a damn yacht and take them to the Caribbean. It is clear this winter has taken a toll on the sweet female part of our family. Oddly, I’ve been doing alright…go figure.
  2. I had to make a very difficult decision regarding my rescue dog Lucy. I have been in denial that her placement in my busy house with lots going on was not the best for her as it became clear that she prefers calm and quiet, like that of a little old person.  I have hem hawed back and forth about this decision because I love her to bits and didn’t want her to go. I was fortunate when I finally made the difficult decision to find a new quiet home and found a lady that lives alone, works from home, and has the same kind of dog (almost) that Lucy is only black in color. I was sad but happy as she told me that Lucy is happy and not hiding and shaking a lot like she was doing over here. Thank you, God, that I found her a good home.
  3. Well, when your Scout dog notices that the dog that lives with him, although they didn’t play together much, is missing, he goes back to his old ways. Such as laying by the clinic door whining, following you everywhere, staring at you all day long, and whining when he is in the backyard, and you feel the need to find another more appropriate for our house companion dog. Good grief!
  4. In 1899, the most amazing woman was born in Illinois. She later became my great grandmother and owned a Boston Terrier named April. She was one of those women that people envied and was the kindest person you have ever met and I loved her fiercely. When she passed away, my family and I inherited April. She was a very funny little K9 but so sweet and precious and was a lovely reminder of the great woman that cared for her.
  5. So, the guilt of having to find a new home for Lucy and now Scout acting needy again, I came across another rescue that just so happened to be a Boston Terrier. When I went to meet her with Scout, I fell in love and found myself calling her April as I was astounded at the flood of memories that were running through my head not only of my lovely great grandma who I adored but that sweet dog of hers that we inherited years earlier. After begging the Professor to consider a more suitable dog for our busy home, he said yes, love that man, and I get to pick up my ‘precious memory’ K9 on Sunday. She was a stray and came with no name. The foster mom named her but I will tell you right now, she will be called April with pure love in my heart for the wonderful woman that is now in heaven and gave us such a wonderful pet.
  6. All of the children that frequent our house act like they are on crack yet again. We have kids speeding on the highway just asking for a multi-million dollar speeding ticket, one who has found the Lord but has turned into one of those pushy types, though I am proud of him for allowing the Lord into his heart, one who seems to be sick all of the time, bless her, one who is a new 16-year-old driver, and one who I foresee is dating the woman that he will marry one day. What the hell is going on?

As I wade through life, sometimes with water only to my ankles but other times up to my damn neck, I can’t help but wonder what things will look like in the next 10 years.

I will be 56 then, the Professor will be 60. I hope that the kids will all be successfully graduated with a wonderful job to support them and the family that they may or may not have at that point. I hope my back won’t be giving me trouble as it does from time to time and I hope by some miraculous healing, that my forearm tendinitis and carpal tunnel syndrome will be long forgotten.

Scout will be 18, and maybe not with us then, and my new rescue, April, will be 15, maybe with us maybe not. I hope that I will still be an active Pediatric OT with a continued successful practice. My mom will be 76 and my dad will be 79, hopefully still with us. My father and mother in law will be 90 and 86, maybe still with us.

Things will be vastly different, very different. Another phase of life, one that I hope I am prepared for, but really, are we ever prepared? I think not.

I don’t know what will happen in the next 5 minutes, next hour, next day, next week, etc. but I hope that everyone is happy, grateful, and a better person all around. Life is speeding along and somedays, I feel like I am just hanging on by a thread.

I love life, I love people, and I love being on this planet. Let’s pray that in the next several years, there is more love and respect for human beings, animals, and this planet so that all of our futures look a bit brighter.

Love y’all!!

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