Have you ever felt ignored by a friend, acquaintance or family member? Maybe they don't blatantly ignore you, but did you know--or realize--that there is a potential to be ignored even when someone is looking at you directly in the face and talking to you? YES! It is possible to be completely ignored, overlooked, avoided, even when you're sitting there talking with someone.
This is a subtle form of ignoring that can be considered covert ignoring. The type of covert ignoring I'm talking about is when someone is talking to you, but not engaging you. This is when a person is not listening to you and not allowing your presence to exist in the conversation.
This can also be called "ear banging."
A conversation that is one sided is not a conversation at all. A conversation is between two people. A pseudo conversation is a conversation where there is only one person who matters. The other parties to the interaction serve merely as audience members.
They only talk about themselves.
This type of person will only talk about themselves in a conversation. If you happen to get a word into the conversation, they will deflect and direct the conversation back to themselves. This may occur with narcissists, but it also may occur with codependent people who are needy and don't have the relationship skills to listen or be interested in what the other person has to say. This type of person has a great need to prove themselves, and will often brag about themselves endlessly. This type of person thinks that what they have to say is paramount, and pays little attention to what you have to say.
Does not ask follow-up questions.
This is so uncomfortable! This is so covert, and may be hard to detect, until you've gotten the gist of what is happening. Someone who is ignoring you to your face does not carry on any of your own personal trains of thought. When you try to contribute to the conversation, they will divert the conversation back to their own self-interest. They can talk for 10 minutes straight about themselves, with you supporting them, asking questions, validating their views, etc... but then when you say one thing about yourself, you will hear nothing but silence. It's as though these people cannot see you, even though you've been talking to them and listening to them, your contributions are left unseen.
Controls the conversation.
Some people control the conversation completely. They have trained you in the past that you can only speak with them about certain topics, topics which are acceptable to them. Anything you say that is outside of their realm of "acceptability" is immediately rebuked and fizzled out. You learn to passively stay away from anything true about yourself that does not fit in with their accepted version of you. You lose your truth by being who they require you to be instead of being who you truly are.
Attacking your statements.
A person who is ignoring you in a pseudo conversation will attack your statements if you try to grab some of the floor time. Let's say they've been talking about their current life situation for the past several minutes, and then you bring up a topic about yourself. The person who is ignoring you during the conversation will attack whatever it is you have to say about yourself in attempt to get you to stop bringing yourself up. This person cannot bare your presence. They must have the floor at all times. They attempt to tear you down in a conversation so that you will learn and be trained to stay silent, and simply mirror their reflection throughout all conversations. They want you to hide your own statements about your identity. They want you to look at them as all-knowing, all-good and all-important.
Affirms personal negativity.
Some covert narcissists will only give you feedback if you are speaking negatively or showing weakness about your true self, your life, your experiences. This is a way of conditioning you to submit to their control. Share all your weaknesses with this person if you want to be seen or heard. When you are in this type of dangerous relationship, you will be ignored when you share your truth, but attended to when you share your hurt and pain. People who attend only to your hurt and pain are sadists and should be avoided at all costs.
Do not settle for pseudo conversations or pseudo relationships where you are ignored. This may not seem to hurt you on first glance, but if you stay in these types of interpersonal transactions, it may zap you of your self esteem. Your self worth is inherent; but your self esteem is volatile. Your self esteem goes up or down depending on how you allow yourself to be treated. It's vital that you esteem yourself highly so that you steer clear of conversations that are fake and one-sided.
We must stay away from people who refuse to hear us! There are many people in the world who are kind, empathetic, skilled and capable of allowing us to be who we truly are without trying to put us down by ignoring us. There are people out there who will listen to us. There are people out there who are capable of a two-way, authentic conversation. You will not get your needs met by talking to people who are ignoring you. You owe it to yourself to surround yourself with people who are capable of seeing you, being present with you, are there for you and are truly loving. You need others to make room for you--don't settle for anything less.
Stay Out of Conversations with People Who...
Talks only about themselves.
Brags about themselves for long stretches of time.
Cuts you off when you bring something up about yourself.
Diverts conversation back to themselves.
Encourages you to speak only when you say something negative or weak about yourself.
You can only get a word in when you are affirming them.
You feel like an audience to their life replay.
Downplay your good news.
Seek Out Conversations with People Who...
Asking follow-up questions and listening to your answer.
Talk about themselves, then listen to your reply and allow you to share about yourself.
Talk back and forth with you.
Allow for equal air time.
Listen to your concerns.
Are happy for your success.
Track your life occurrences that you share.
Remember details that you have shared.
Mirror your at the same level you mirror them.
People who are not engaging with you in an equal manner are ignoring you. The reason they are ignoring you is because they think they are more important than you, and they don't think that you have the right to exist. They have no room in their mind for you, and thus cannot relate with you in a functional way.
One Way vs. Two Way Conversations
A one-way conversation is the type of conversation you have with a client. When you have a client, you are being paid to serve them. You listen to what they have to say without interjecting your own life experiences in order to give them what they've paid for--whether it be selling them a car, or coaching them on life. A client is paying you for your time, so listening to them in a one-way manner makes sense.
A two-way conversation is one where payment is made between the two people engaged in the conversation. As a part of the unspoken deal, when you are speaking with a functional person, your time, presence, affirmation is returned during the conversation itself (or among other conversations). Sometimes you may focus more on them, sometimes they may listen more to you--but at the end of the day, both parties are represented equally overall.
Don't Settle for Being Ignored
It is a core dependency need that each person has starting in childhood to be heard. It is vital that every person be heard and be seen and feel as though their thoughts, feelings, ideas and perceptions matter. When you are ignored as a child, you begin to feel invisible.
You learn to accept being ignored in childhood. If your needs were ignored, if your authentic truth was ignored, then you will tolerate people who ignore you when you are an adult. You will not learn to have a "say" in relationships. The truth is, some people are incapable of relating with you; all they know is how to bulldoze you. They do not know how to intricately open space for you to be present, for you to express your truth, and for you to get your needs met.
This means you may settle for people who cannot properly meet your adult needs in today's relationships. This is something you need to work on--to reprogram yourself and reparent yourself by listening to your need to be heard, and steering clear of relationships and conversations in which you are ignored--EVEN WHEN YOU ARE SITTING IN THAT PERSON'S PRESENCE.
Don't settle for that conversation!
Get up from the table when respect is not being served!
Go find people who have a seat for you!
Learn to be your true self around accepting others!
A boundary is the space between you and another person; like your property line. The term over-used term "boundaries" is too limited for the intricate way I wish to convey the separateness, yet relatedness of the true self for purposes of healing self love and self worth.
So, today I'm coining a new phrase to help define the self.
My new term is the True Self Blueprint. Those of you who know, I'm a real estate broker by profession, and in real estate, we use something called a "survey" to tangibly show on paper and legally to determine the location of a piece of property. In SelfLoveU, we shall use the term "True Self Blueprint" when talking about the distinction of your true and separate self relative to the rest of the world.
The True Self Blue Print has many attributes, including boundaries, easements (where people can get through), fences and structures. The most important thing to understand is that you own something--you have full 100% rights and use of YOU. You are responsible for yourself and to yourself. You are responsible for guarding yourself, tending to yourself and expanding your territory.
When you are born,you became an owner of YOU. When you were born, out of your mother's womb, you took a breath. That breath automatically gave you inherent worth. This inherent worth comes with it's own territory. You own this territory, and this is your True Self Blueprint. I'm using this term for the purpose of healing and recovering self worth and self love.
You own yourself. You have rights to yourself. Think of it this way: You are an energetic structure, and you have ownership rights to do with yourself what you need to do to be true to you.
Aspects of Your True Self
Your thoughts, feelings
Your goals and desires
Your skills, talents and abilities
Your goals, dreams and visions
Your beliefs and opinions
Your past experiences
Your current experience
Your energy and time
Your inner healing
The list could go on, but hopefully you're getting the point. You are separate. Yes, we are all one at the base level, but for purposes of self worth, self esteem and self love, it's vital that you understand this very tangible quality that you have, which is yourself. Using the idea of a blueprint is a helpful visualization of your existence, potentials and limitations.
Your True Self Blueprint is Who You are
Your True Self is who you are, not who other people want you to be. Your True Self is who you are beneath all the trauma, abuse, false notions, misconceptions, mistakes and wrong turns. Your True Self is always True and can never be destroyed. So long as you have breath in you, you own your True Self. No one has the right to take it away, and only you can allow others to tell you how to execute your rights on your own property, which is you.
As the owner of your life, it is your responsibility to tend to your property, which is you. Of course, you are not a literal object, but this is merely an analogy to help you understand that you exist, that you have worth, and that you are equal to any other property out there, because you exist, you have ownership and existence rights.
Your True Self Blueprint is YOU. And you get to enjoy all the rights inherent to ownership of yourself. You do not have to allow yourself to be run over by weeds. You do not have to allow foxes in to steal the eggs your hens lay. You do not have to let relatives squat in your guest house. Your property is your property and it is your personal responsibility to tend to the items represented by your True Self Blueprint.
Well, it's here! The day has come! I am officially taking coaching clients into my practice for Self Love U. There's a lot of cool stuff going on, starting with me opening up a portion of my time, my heart, my space to those who are interested in taking their love of self to the next level. Those people who are ready to work with me personally to do whatever it is you need to do to get you to your next phase of growth. I am very excited, passionate and committed to this endeavor and can't wait to see the results in your life!!!
Here's a few bullet points about what I'm offering to my community members:
Life Coaching at the rate is $100 per hour.
Coaching via Skype or over the phone (your preference).
Payment is made prior to session.
Session is booked 1 week in advance.
Email me at email@example.com to book your session.
I'm super excited about the healing and progression that will come to you as a result of our time together. I look forward to working with you!
We all know who we are, right? Or at least we think we do. But do we really know who we are? Really? Or do you allow yourself to be defined by others? Allow yourself to be defined by your environment? Do you have a solid sense of self, or do you "feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind" like Katy Perry?
What constitutes ourselves? What defines us? How do we know who we are and how do we know that we know ourselves? Who the hell are we? These are some great questions to ask!
This article is about self definition. How you define yourself from your toes to your head. Who you are, not who you are perceived to be, not who you pretend to be, but who you truly are... Very philosophical! We're talking about living your best life and living to your full potential. Who you are supposed to be, who you were born to be.
Whew! What a huge topic... seems simple, but it's large to grasp. I think the problem with the empath, or one who has gone through trauma, or an abused person, or even the world at large is... we don't know who we really are. We can't define ourselves.
People who have been abused seem to have more difficulty with self definition. They have a shaky sense-of-self. If you want an extreme version--think Sybil. That abused child from the seventies. Think multiple personalities. (FTR: We all have many different parts, despite the huge stigma, but I digress.) This article is about sense-of-self. Identity. Who are you? What do you want? What is driving you?
My healing journey has involved much discovery. I have been able to answer the questions of who I am a little more each day. It's about learning to trust yourself, your intuition, your gut feels, your heart and becoming who you are on earth to be.
I love making lists about stuff when I'm learning and growing, so I figured I'd insert a list here. A list of things that make up who you are... Are you with me?
Your physical body.
Your mind site.
The list can go on...
It's important to note that you are who you are regardless of whether you know how to defend yourself. If you don't know how to set boundaries and define yourself, you still have a self under there somewhere. You may feel like a plastic bag, but the truth is, you are anchored. You have a core self. You have a higher self and you have everything in between.
It's just a matter of finding out who YOU are, what YOU believe, how YOU feel. It's a matter of breaking free of the idea that someone outside of you can define you, and learning to trust your inner truth. Learning to live by your own spark and guidance.
I think a big part of life is discovering who you are, and backing that which you are up with action, protection and wisdom. Life is about being, becoming, achieving, learning, growing and loving others. Life is about learning, love, wisdom and balance. It's a huge topic.
I could venture to say that we are made of the same thing as the stars, which we are. "There is a universe inside of you," but you are also an individual. That is so cool! And it's important that we each live our own lives--because life is short. We are here for a short time for our own unique reasons, and it's our purpose to fulfill our meaning and to leave our mark.
Don't Let Anyone Thwart You
It's easy in this world to get stuck. It's easy to put the responsibility on someone else instead of taking life by the clouds and pulling yourself up. That's the easy route. It's much harder to stand up for ourselves, for who we are, for what we believe, and to go for what we want in this world; whatever that may be, regardless of who is clapping.
Always trying to please others is a quick way to lose yourself. If you're living by someone else's heart, you will lose your own life in the process. You can't live to please others, to do so renders you invisible and resentful.
But what will you be losing???
Your physical body.
Your mind site.
The list could go on... You have to stand up and be who you are. You have to be brave. You have to walk away from people. You have to close doors to people who are constantly, repeatedly, habitually trying to control you. There are people like that--people who will take you off the path to yourself, to your goals, dreams and life purpose. You have to say goodbye to those people.
And you have to silence your heart that would try to please the world instead of living your truth. Your truth is not an option. You have to live your truth to feel complete. Some people die never living their truth, and that is a travesty. There is nothing greater than being in complete control of your own destiny and driving your own ship, yourself.
Fan the Flames of Your Heart
You have to go with your instincts and follow your heart to your own personal bliss. Follow the little leanings of your heart. If you enjoy writing, then writing is your gift for this planet. If you enjoy painting, then painting is your gift and your outlet. If you love being on the radio, then grab a microphone. If you love cooking, then cook-to-your-heart's-desire. You owe it to yourself to follow that little spark in your heart that leads to your own internal flame, God within (my belief).
That's what I believe I am. I am a spiritual being, a physical being and a mental being. I have powers that have yet to be discovered and developed. I have gifts that have yet to be opened. I have love that is flowing from a well deep within that waters all around. I am strong, I am capable and I am becoming who I am.
The narcissist may validate false parts of you. The Narcissist tricks you by feeding your ego with things they want you to need instead of what your ego actually needs. This process is a trip.They are trying to program you by validating you in the direction they want you to go. They will start flattering you in areas that are unimportant to you in order to get you to fall into their trance; it's tricky because they are flattering with their forked tongues, and as an empath, you feel obliged to accept it--even though it's not the ego food you need. The validation of the narcissist is not even validation that the empath needs. It's shit they don't need, but the narc programs it into the conversation as though it were something needed.
Validation from the narcissist is like eating dirt. It's invalidation as they try to define you with soothing words, compliments, and familiar, commonly desired assessments of who you are. It's not who you really are, not what's important to you. They coax you into trance position, program you to follow THEIR path for you. Make suggestions in order to define, control and entrap you. They want you to be their slave.
Listen to their lies as they try to lead your subconscious with compliments, flattery, suggestions... Awareness is a great place to start. Once you know what they're doing, they lose power over you. Don't turn back and look at them, you will turn to salt.
Spit out the "validation" of the narcissist. The compliments they give, the suggestions, the ideas, the affirmations. They're trying to take over your I AM, your sense of self. Your being. They want to get out ahead of where you are going and growing. They want to take you over and stunt your growth. They want your growth to be their narcissistic supply. They want to destroy you. It's evil.
This type of mind-control is subconscious, hardly visible to the naked eye, unless you are very conscious.
They try to tell you who you are, and if you were raised in a narcissistic environment, then you give over the controls to your personal operation when someone comes around sounding definite. You have been programmed to hand over the controls whenever someone comes in with cunning speech, waxing poetically about some attribute that's so great about you--something you never cared about. Suddenly, you are fooled into believing that is something you wanted, needed, requested, require.. when truth is, you don't want or need that shit at all.
Narcissists give you validation that you don't need. They are off. They are not authentic, not real. They are plastic. They're rote. Broken record, "One Hit Wonder." They have one mode, "Get narcissistic supply." They have one mode: MANIPULATION.
If they were to actually validate something real, then you would grow and become more. They do not want your growth AT ALL. Your growth is their demise. They will never truly validate you, unless they have to in order to love bomb you, or unless they need to validate you so they can control you more and take you down later. In the end, no matter what, you're going down.
But I'm specifically talking about the control tactic of the manipulator where they validate and compliment an area that is meaningless to you... That if you look closely you can see the program. If you are meeting your own needs you don't need the empty words of the narcissist. Don't believe their lies. Don't follow their compliments off the cliff. Don't let go of yourself.
Know who you are. Don't let anyone define you. Don't go out into the world needing compliments, affirmation or any of that. It is not safe to rely on other people to tell you who you are. You've got to figure that out on your own. Tell the world who you are.
If someone repeatedly compliments odd ball things about you, make a mental note. Is this person trying to manipulate you? It's so subtle! It's so covert!!! But it can take you off your path. If you aren't strong in what matters to you, you can be removed from the driver seat of your own existence.
I am looking at a mountain—it reminds me of my mother for most of my life I have looked at my mother as if I was cursed to remain at the bottom of a mountain with a confined, limited perspective
from the bottom, the mountain is domineering blocking out the view of the world and life around me
getting to know my Self has become like climbing a mountain
from the bottom I look up I look at my mother with compassion I look at her in the way she wants me to I look at her as if I were her therapist
at the bottom of the mountain I feel and have always felt forced to forgive my mother to pity her to ignore how she was—and is—treating me to numb and deaden the suffering she causes me to deny my own pain—to ignore reality and the truth
at the top of the mountain I have a wider view I can see further
I see my mother from a different perspective as I experience for the first time compassion for myself
I have to recognize the truth I see a woman who does not love me who does not take joy in my being who does not care about my existence who has no interest in my life who does not desire to get together with me after she has not seen me for thirteen years
I have to see the truth—although I don't want to my mother does not love me my mother cannot love who I am because I am the living proof that life is about other things than those that she believes in, lives by and practices
I am crushed by the truth I feel the ground crumble beneath my feet and my existence threatened
the truth hurts—but liberates me I have escaped her jail
freed from the gravest impediment that kept me from being alive I become the bird and fly away from the mountain
from now on my own welfare matters my needs count
I cannot be alive without love just as air gives life to my body—love is the breath for my soul
my soul would die if I stayed near this mountain
now that I know and can bear the truth I leave the mountain I am free to be Barbara to be my Self
This is an article I'm reading as I delve into deeper healing with reference to idealization of others.
The vital need of each child is to be valued, seen and appreciated. When children are responded to with respect, love and joy, their sense of self and self-worth flourish. If this need is crushed, its unfulfilled anguish drives us into the fog of admiration. Either we turn into self-obsessed admiration-addicts that cannot tolerate in others thoughts and feelings that deviate from what we expect of them. Or we become devoted servants who believe that their life has meaning only when they bestow admiration upon those that crave it. Children's self-worth is crushed and their strength perverted into the coercion to please if they do not receive joyous appreciation. Parts, soaked with the anguish of being unwelcome and rejected since life's beginning, were silenced by other parts that want to protect us from this pain and buy into the corruption that admiration sustains relationships and grants a sense of worth. The experience of love is replaced by the compulsion to admire and the illusion that admiration endows us with love.
BELIEF IN YOURSELF is your perceived level of worthiness to get what you want. Fear is resistance to what is wanted and the focus upon what is unwanted. Fear is the mental practice of doubt and unbelief--anti-belief. When you feel unworthy or undeserving, fear fills in the gap between the truth of who you are and the lies you've accepted. Fear keeps you in a holding pattern by limiting the belief you need to manifest what you want. The good news is, fear points directly to the false belief that holds you back, so it can be used as a guide. Transform your fear into FAITH by realizing the truth of who you are. You are the powerful creator of your own experience. ♥
I wrote this on May 17, 2014 as a Facebook Post. Found it in memories and decided to post it here.