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SBM in ATL by Sbm - 1w ago

The weather is improving and now there’s no reason to be staying inside on the weekend. This weekend was no different and it was quite the adventure I must say.

Friday night, I got hit up by one of my comet’s. For those who don’t know, a comet is someone who comes back around every now and then with no expectation of anything serious. This is a poly term but most single people have comets; they just don’t call it that. If you have someone that hits you up when they’re in town, you have a comet. If you hit up someone when you’re in their town, then you’re a comet. Anyway, she’s in town for a while and wanted to come through. Having no plans, I definitely obliged. It was a chill night, we drank, ate, watched movies (like actually watched them), and of course, got it in later. The sex is always good with her. After she left in the morning, a woman I met a few weeks ago came by.

We’ve hung out a few times, but she had some time before having to go work. The plan was to get  together after her shift. We didn’t do much of anything besides talk and watch some shows. Eventually, she had to go and she left out. A few hours later, I was getting ready to head out to meet up with a friend of mine.

Now this is where the weekend started to get exciting. So this friend of mine is a woman I’ve been talking to for a while now. Strictly platonic as she’s married… to a woman. I was to meet her wife that night. There was a bar crawl and it started out at a lesbian bar. I’ve never been to a lesbian bar, so this was definitely exciting because I didn’t know what to expect. I get to the bar before they arrive and so of course, I scope out the joint. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a mixed crowd. There were femmes, butches (I honestly don’t know if this is the correct term, if not, I apologize), straight men, gay men, and I’m sure straight/bi women, but in there, I couldn’t tell. I definitely had a few gay guys watch me. Back in the day, this used to really bother me, but this is Atlanta… I got over it. In any case, I have to say, some of the women in there were straight gorgeous. I wanted to holla so badly but I didn’t know what was acceptable etiquette in there. I even had one woman eyeing me but she was with her girlfriend… I think… I honestly don’t know.

In any case, my friend and her wife arrived. I must admit, the two of them were sexy as fuck. Of course, in my typical straight male mind, I wanted to get at both of them, but fortunately, I have more sense than that and respected their relationship (but I’d be lying if the thought ain’t cross my mind). We got drinks and they danced. I am happy to report that both of them are great dancers. And as much as I wanted to jump in and get a dance myself, I kept my distance. Fortunately for me, they didn’t leave me out and I got a couple dances with the both of them. (I legit didn’t know what was and wasn’t allowed, so I played it safe) Later on that night, we went downstairs, and there was a drag show going on. Now, I’ve seen this on Real Sex HBO and in movies, but this was the first I saw one in person. It was… interesting. I didn’t know what to expect but looking around, everyone was having a good time. Anyway, it was getting late and the woman I saw earlier was ready to come by. So I parted ways with my friend and her wife. I’m happy to report that the wife approves of me, so we’ll all be hanging out again at some point I’m sure.

Anyway, I get home and meet up with the woman from before. It’s late, like 1AM and so I ask her what she wants to do. She was kind of stressed so she said she wanted to forget the world. Bet! I pour up a few drinks and get the party started. All she wanted to do was literally play music and dance around. Works for me! Eventually, she ended up dancing around naked, but there was no smashing to be had. We got to talking and touched upon some real shit that she was going through. This woman was truly naked before me, in every sense of the word. It was beautiful really. We talked and she worked through some things that I could tell really had an impact on her. Her spirit lifted and it was like she became a new woman before my eyes. Given the intensity of the night, I had no expectations of things getting physical. Well, after her mood shifted, she had other plans for me. Needless to say, she sat on me and rode me like a champion all the while slapping her titties in my face. She then turned around and showed me that her dance moves weren’t just for dancing. We got in a several more sessions as she ended up staying with me until the next morning.

All in all, I had a great fucking weekend! And I hope it’s just one of many more this summer!

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Dating is funny sometimes. Although I wasn’t alive in previous generations, it’s still quite interesting to look at the contrasts between modern courting and the courting the previous generations went though.

I appreciate the number of women out here who are no longer impressed by the materialistic and genuinely look at a man’s character. There is a greater appreciation for intangible qualities and even experiences from life, than seems to be from before. Although it’s still heavily portrayed in black culture that money and fame drive up a man’s eligibility, there is a growing sect of media that shows individuals looking at the person as a whole, regardless of their socioeconomic status. In truth, I really cannot express how happy I am to see this because as women’s expectations of men elevates, the men will have to elevate to meet them. This is definitely a great thing.

But this post… is actually about the flipside. As an elevated man myself, I have to say:

Ladies… you have to impress me too.

Look, you know I’m in Atlanta and from my introduction, you know I have options. Now, I’m not trying to toot my own (too much anyway), but the truth is, just like you ladies, I and men like me, are looking for someone special. But what does that even mean? See, this is where dating really starts to get complicated.

“Don’t treat a man like your husband until you have a ring!” How many of you have heard something like this? I have a problem with this, even though, at the same time I completely understand it. I mean, why should you be giving your all to someone who isn’t even fully committed to you? So, in that respect, I get it. BUT… you do realize that this is exactly what’s expected from men. “Show me effort, time, loyalty… show you’re worth my time.” Sound familiar? In the beginning, men are expected to prove themselves before a woman accepts his advances.

To be 100% honest with you though, I’m actually okay with this. Real talk, I don’t mind putting in work. That’s the way it’s been for millennia and I don’t expect it to change anytime soon. HOWEVER… the days of men going all out only to get lukewarm responses or reciprocation from basic women are over. Look, you can play it cool all you want, but if I don’t ever sense you have a desire for me or that you have the qualities I’m looking for, I’ma bounce. And guess who I’ma bounce to? The woman who actually shows me appreciation, challenges me, and is happy to do it.

So okay, yeah, you got a job, degree, own place, own car, no kids, fat ass, etc. Props to you. But for me? That’s just the bare minimum for me to even consider taking you seriously. Let’s go deeper:

  • Do you read? What are you reading? What was the last book you read and why? What did you take from it?
  • Do you have any hobbies? What are they? How’d you get into them?
  • What are your personal goals (outside of your career)? Why? What made you choose those? When will you achieve them?
  • What’s a personal area you’re working on? Why? How’s that journey going?
  • Do you know yourself? Do you know what you truly need? Do you know the WHY of the things that effect you? No, like, the deep why.
  • How have you grown in the last year? 5 years? Who are you growing to be?
  • Do you know what it means to self reflect? Can you swallow your pride and admit your shortcomings in the moment (and not long after)?
  • What kind of mother do you see yourself as? Have you even thought about this?
  • What are you going to do for me as a person? Are you going to challenge me? Are you going to hold me to a higher standard for myself and not just for what you want and need from me?
  • Am I going to be a better man, father, person, etc for having known you and having you in my life?

I can go on but that’s the type of shit that impresses me. And ladies, I’m going to keep it 100 with you…

Many of you aren’t as impressive as you think you are.

Seriously, if all you do is go to work, watch shows, go out with your friends, etc. you’re not that impressive. Honestly, what makes you different?

If you have nothing to offer me besides your company, maybe a hot meal and some ass, I’m good boo-boo. We can hang, fuck, and I’ll even take you out sometime, but you not about to be my wife or the mother of my children.

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SBM in ATL by Sbm - 3w ago

Ah yes, baggage. You know, that emotional trauma that you carry around. The shit that happened to you as a kid, from your parents, friends, or past relationships. Those ill-fated experiences that forever unconsciously haunt your psyche and rear its ugly head at the most inopportune time to ruin relationships, only to quickly hide away leaving you wondering, “what the fuck just happened?” and “why did I act like that?”

Baggage can stem from just about any negative experience that had emotions running high. This is what makes them stick to us: the emotion. Feelings are tricky bastards. Often times, we associate a feeling with a person, thing, situation, etc. and we may not even remember what happened or why that feeling is attached to the experience. But the feeling is always there and typically results in destructive behavior we aren’t even aware we possess.

Some of the most common types of emotional baggage:

  • Abandonment
  • Trust
  • Communication
  • Self-esteem/insecurity
  • Emotional unavailability
  • Negative outlook

Now think back… chances are, you’ve come across individuals in your life that have some or a number of these issues. Or perhaps you deal with some of them yourself. The truth is:

We all have baggage

When it comes to dating though, there are two main challenges that we have to sort through:

  1. What baggage are we carrying? And what are we doing about it?
  2. What baggage are we willing to deal with in our partners?

The first challenge can only be addressed through experience and self reflection. Once you know what you’re dealing with, it’s on you to do the work that’s necessary to rectify that. This is an extremely important point. All too often when we have our own baggage, we tend to project the issues on to someone else. Let me paint an example here.

You and someone you’re interested in have been texting and talking back in forth for a few days. The two of you have gotten into a nice little rhythm of communication. Then one day, you reach out and no response. Couple hours go by, still no response. You’re still waiting, wondering what the hell just happened. After a while, you start to get anxious and angry. Eventually, you reach your limit and send a text or leave a message along the lines of, “you know what? don’t even bother replying back. I need someone who’s going to be consistent and it’s clear that you’re not the type of person I need. Delete my number”. Still no response and you’re still upset. Another couple hours go by and finally, they reach out to you. Come to find out, they were unable to respond for a legitimate reason (the exact reason doesn’t matter and if you think it does, you should do some self examination). If you’ve done anything like this, then you might have abandonment/insecurity issues and should take some time to self-reflect.

The baggage we deal with from our partners though? This can be just as difficult to handle. Have you ever met someone that seemed to just tolerate any and everything from whomever they’re dating? Like, no matter what their partner does, they’ll excuse it (I’ve been somewhat guilty of this). And on the other end of the spectrum, there are those who shut shit down at the slightest sign of baggage. Partner get a little frustrated and walked away? “Welp, they can’t communicate well, so I’m ending this relationship”

This is where knowing yourself really becomes key. You should definitely not tolerate everything from anyone. But on the same token, you should have enough compassion to see that people have their own baggage. I feel that a good determination of whether or not another person’s baggage is worth dealing with, is:

  • Do I find it utterly disrespectful?
  • Is it something they’re aware of and actively working on? (or willing to work on once I’ve brought it to their attention)

An extreme example of “utterly disrespectful” is someone getting physically violent with their partner. This is not okay under any circumstance and if your partner exhibits such behavior, extricate yourself from them immediately. Another example would be verbal insults. For me, unacceptable. One that I think is a gray area is yelling. This is touchy subject. I’ll be honest here, I come from a family of arguers and yellers (some of my baggage). I don’t mind when my partner yells at me (within reason of course) because I’ve been around it all throughout my childhood. I do my best not to raise my voice (and compared to my family, I’m pretty damned good) but I’m human and I have my limits. There is a point where I will get frustrated and raise my voice. I do my best to try to defuse the situation before I get to that point, but sometimes my frustration boils over. In most of my relationships, this was never a problem (because they yelled too) but other women I’ve dated, it is a hard red flag for them. I’ve also had an ex tell me that she doesn’t tolerate yelling but it wasn’t something she’d end a relationship over, especially since she knew it was a rare occurrence and I tried to avoid it.

Which brings me to my final point. Be clear on what baggage is “acceptable”. When I say acceptable, I don’t mean to just tolerate it forever but rather, it’s something that can be resolved and won’t lead you to immediately break the relationship. Things like (not at the extreme of course) yelling, inconsistent communication, passive-aggressive behavior, etc. Those are all things that really shouldn’t be tolerated but are “workable”. As long as the person knows and is willing to work on these things, it’s ok to cut them some slack.

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Right in line with my last post, I ended things with another woman (and I have one more to write about as well).

So a few weeks ago, I wrote about this woman I had been seeing for a while. As I stated in my post, I knew that I shouldn’t be entertaining her, despite her words. Well, a few weeks ago, I flew someone in to town that I had been talking to for a while. Naturally, when she came into town, she got all of my attention. Mary wanted to spend a little time with me and of course, I was unavailable. After the weekend trip was over, I hit Mary back up just to touch bases. This did not go over well.

She asked me why I wasn’t available and I told her the truth of the situation. She actually accused me of doing and telling her things specifically to hurt her. Now, I’m going to be 100% here (as I will never tell a person this), but when she said this, my immediate reaction was, “don’t be so vain”. Like, I’m really going to go out of my way to hurt someone? It definitely annoyed me, especially since (if you read my other post) I made it clear that there was no future and she claimed she was ok with being friends. But, the moment she became aware that I was out here trying to live my best life without her, suddenly, I’m intentionally trying to hurt her. She was clearly very upset and revealed that it was clear to her that I was never going to see her in a romantic sense (umm yeah, I said this to you before).

In any case, it was obviously clear that it would be impossible to maintain a relationship with this woman that was not romantic. I ended up breaking the relationship off completely, nothing platonic, no friends with benefits, nothing. And here’s the kicker, she says to me, “I hope these new women in your life are worth our friendship”. (eye roll) In my mind: “Look, this wasn’t a friendship. This was an attempt by you to ‘wait me out’ and hope I realized ‘what I had’ and come around.”

People… Don’t do this.

This post may sound harsh and cold, but honestly, it needs to be. Look…

When someone tells you NO, accept that shit and MOVE THE FUCK ON

You are quite literally setting yourself up for pain and disappointment otherwise. In this case, I specifically told her I wasn’t interested romantically. I suggested that we part ways and she insisted that we remained friends (with benefits no less). I was cool with this because I had made my intentions clear and she (seemed to) fully understand and acknowledge them. And yet, despite having this conversation (on more than one occasion mind you), she was still holding out hope that I would see her differently. And still somehow, I’m the asshole for hurting her.

I admit, I should have broken things off before, not because I am fault, but because I might have been able to prevent this. But  ultimately, I am not at fault for her getting hurt. I am not responsible for her feelings, especially since I did my part and told her there was no future between us. You can argue that I kept letting her come around, but what am I supposed to do if she says she’s good with being friends and that she “doesn’t even want a guy like me” (her words)?

Look, I’m sorry she got hurt and I genuinely hope she finds what she’s looking for. Let this be a lesson for all of us, when someone says ‘no’, accept it and move on.

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I clearly suck at consistency when it comes to this blog, but I’m going to keep it going. Life loves to pull you in different directions, but alas, it’s a rainy Sunday, so I’m doing some writing (among other things).

Anyway, let’s get to it. I was at a speed dating event. Well, it wasn’t exactly “speed dating” per se , but more like a match making event. The way it worked is that you filled out some information and they gave you personality profile and then they match you with your “perfect match” based on your personalities. Sounds great in principle but in reality, I think it was a crock of shit but that’s not the point of this. In any case, the event is going along nicely and people are rotating, meeting their matches. I actually had a decent enough time. It was fun but I will never forget the interaction I had with this young lady.

So we rotate and I sit down in front this woman. She’s pretty attractive and her vibe was overall pretty good. The conversation begins, and we discuss the usual stuff: where you from? how old are you? what’s your favorite color? what’s your sign? do you have any kids? etc.

Then, of course, we get to the typical question, “What do you do?”. In truth, I honestly do not remember what this woman does, but that’s not important to this story. What I do remember though, is that she followed up saying that she didn’t particularly like her job. This is how the conversation carried on from this point (and mind you, I’m paraphrasing as this happened a while ago):

Her: Yeah, but I don’t really like my job anyway.

Me: Oh? Why not?

Her: It’s not what I want to do.

Me: Oh! Ok! Well, what would you like to be doing?

Her: I’d like to be an accountant.

Me: Oh cool! So, are you working towards that right now?

Her: No.

Me (pausing): oh… umm, why not?

Her: Because it would take too long.

Me: Wait what? What do you mean?

Her: It takes a long time to become an accountant.

Me: I mean yeah, but that time is going to pass by anyway, right?

Her: Yeah, but I also don’t know if I’d like it.

Me: But you don’t like your current job though.

Her: Yeah.

Me: So let me get this straight. You’d rather stay at a job that you know you don’t like instead of pursuing a job that you actually want because it would take a long time and you’re not sure you’d like it?

Her (keeping a straight face and dead serious): Yeah

(Awkward pause)

At this point, I’m thinking to myself, there’s no way in hell I’d ever date this woman, but we’re not done just yet. Our “date” wasn’t over, so I continued the conversation.

Me: Oh… alright… so, what do you want from life? (trying to change the subject)

Her: To not have to work or pay bills.

Me (nodding): Ok cool, I think a lot of us want that. (trying to lighten the mood) So how are you going to achieve that?

Her (dead serious): Well I play the lottery.

Me (jokingly): Oh alright! How often do you play?

Her: Every week.

Me: Oh, you’re serious?

Her: Yeah.

Me: Wait wait wait, you’re relying on the lottery to give you what you want from life?

Her: Yeah, people win all the time.

Me: Yeah, they do but what are you going to do if you don’t win?

Her: That’s why I’m going to win.

Me: Right…

Photo by @cerlov from nappy.co

At this point, I’m just waiting to switch to another person. This woman had absolutely no ambition and was betting the happiness of her entire life, on winning the lottery. The lack of ambition is somewhat forgivable; not everyone has or needs drive to be happy. However, to play the lottery religiously and truly believe it’s your ticket to a life of happiness, that’s a bit too unrealistic for me.

Ah well… what say you readers? Am I wrong for calling her basic?

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So this was a lesson/experience I learned in one of my earlier relationships. Let me tell you the story…

I was back in college and I had a girlfriend at the time. We lived in the same dorm and often times spent the night in each other’s room, typical college shit. A little about me, like many other guys my age, I enjoy playing video games. I’m not a hardcore gamer and definitely wasn’t a hardcore gamer back then in college. In any case, back to the story.

There was a new game that I was really looking forward to getting. I told my then girlfriend about this game more than a week in advance. I don’t recall the exact day of the week, but I remember I went and picked it up from the mall. I get back to the dorm and I setup for a night of gaming. Throughout this entire process, I’m in contact with my girlfriend and letting her know what’s going.

Before I can even put the game into the PlayStation 2, my girlfriend calls me and asks me if I was coming over. I told her no, I’m going to be playing the game tonight (and yes, I did invite her to come join me, and no I couldn’t play in her dorm, she didn’t have a tv). (dramatic pause) Despite me telling this woman more than a week in advance what my plan was for when I got this game (and expressing my excitement for it as the time approached), she still got upset that I wouldn’t put the game down to spend the night with her like we typically did. This turned into an argument of course because in her mind, the game was more important than her (insert eye roll).

Unfortunately, the night didn’t end well for either of us. She was upset at me for not dropping the game and I was upset at her for even tripping and not joining after I told her well ahead of time. And trust and believe, I played my game that night. Admittedly, I was bothered by what happened, but I played my damn game.

There were other similar instances of this not just with the girlfriend mentioned here, but with other women I’ve dated. There have been several occasions where I tell my girlfriend that I’m going to do something that is purely for my enjoyment and they take it upon themselves to try to find out if they are more important than whatever it is in question.

Ladies… Don’t EVER do this!

Look, you are and will always be more important that any video game or hobby or whatever. Let’s just get that clear right now. Yes, you are more important. With that said, when a person is doing something for themselves that they enjoy, this is NOT the time to test and see if you are more important. Will I drop what I’m doing for you? Absolutely, but there are stipulations to this. If I tell you ahead of time and you simply want attention, I will not drop it. If something comes up and you need me, I’ll drop it without hesitation.

Here’s the main key to remember:

Yes, you are the most important PART of my life, but you are still a PART and not my entire life.

And one other major caveat. When I feel that you are starting to encroach on the other parts of my life that are dear to me, you will be removed from my life.

Now I know some people are thinking, “video games shouldn’t be dear to you”. Listen, that’s not for you to decide. As individuals, we are free to choose whatever we want to enjoy and value. If a person wants to collect stamps, golf, play video games, build puzzles, etc. it doesn’t matter, it’s what they enjoy. It’s not for you to decide what is or isn’t acceptable for another person to value and enjoy.

I’ll give a more serious example. One my friends is a professional jazz musician. Obviously he wasn’t always professional and had to work to get to where he is. Well, before he got big time, he was dating this young woman who felt that he spent too much time practicing. This woman actually had nerve enough to ask this man to stop playing music. If any of you know any artists or musicians, then you know that their craft is like the air we breath; they need it for their souls to survive. For this woman to ask someone else to stop doing something that brought them joy and was not destructive (and ended up leading him to a career), is a prime example of the encroachment I’m talking about.

To wrap this up, respect your partners’ other aspects of their lives. As long as it doesn’t interfere in your relationship (i.e. canceling a date to play video games) and is not destructive, let them have their time. If you feel the need to stop your partner from doing something they enjoy, chances are you are insecure and/or you need to find a hobby yourself. Seriously.

Help spread the word by sharing with your friends and on social media! Shout outs for those who spread the word!

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SBM in ATL by Sbm - 3w ago

Now that I’ve come out as being polyamorous, I feel like it’s good idea to explain why. There are some people who have lived this lifestyle from the moment they started dating; others, like me, don’t fully step into the lifestyle until much later in life. So what happened? What pushed me to move away from monogamy?

Photo by @gihzacchi from nappy.co

Inquiring minds want to know…

Well the short of it is this: A few months ago, while dating a number of women, I realized that I did not see a future with any of them (kinda around the time I wrote Yup, time to start over). The truth is, I’ve always had an interest in the polyamory lifestyle, since I was a teenager. And in truth, I have presented the idea to every woman I’ve dated and none have been open to the alternative lifestyle beyond having a threesome. Once I realized that there was no future in the women I was seeing at the time and knowing that I’m not getting any younger, I figured it was as good a time as any to at least try out the lifestyle; and hey, I might actually get lucky and end up in the configuration that I want (more on that later). It’s been one hell of a journey so far, but that will come in future posts.

So that’s the quick run down: as I mentioned, I’ve been interested in this lifestyle since I was teenager. My thought process was simple, why can’t I have more than one girlfriend? Especially if they know about each other, are okay with it, and actually want it too? In truth, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that as long as the right people are involved and they truly want to be in a relationship with more than one person, why not?

Contrary to popular belief about polyamory, my choice has nothing to do with a fear of commitment, monogamy, or being faithful. Up until recently, short of being single and dating multiple people, I have always been monogamous. In fact, I was a serial monogamist. And full disclosure, I was not 100% faithful in all of my relationships, but I didn’t cheat in all of them either; and yes, I was faithful in the majority of them. Being faithful to one person is a choice. Just as monogamy is… just as polyamory is. I am choosing this alternative lifestyle; and it’s not because I can’t handle monogamy. To throw in a poly term, I’m what is called “ambiamorous”, meaning, I can either be monogamous or polyamorous. But at this point in my life, I’ve decided to be polyamorous. That may change, that may not. But that’s beauty of life and free will, I get to choose.

Now that I’ve got that out the way, let’s get into the meat of it. What exactly appeals to me about polyamory? It’s the sex right? Yeah totally, that’s the only reason… I get to fuck as many bitches as I want with no restraint! (For those who can’t tell, this is sarcasm)

Although that’s what many think polyamory is about, it’s not. Now, I’m not going to lie to you, since we’re on the subject, the sexual freedom that can come (doesn’t always) from polyamory is definitely a plus, but is not the sole nor main reason it appeals to me. In truth, even starting as a teenager, I began to question the idea of “the one”. I don’t believe that there is a single person that can be everything I need and want in a person; on the flipside, I don’t think I can be everything another person wants and needs. And think about logistics, what if you find someone who’s perfect for you, but you’re not perfect for them? What then? Polyamory allows me the freedom to connect with more than one person so I don’t have to settle. On the flipside, it relieves the pressure of trying to be everything for someone else.

Let me break this down with a concrete example, cause I know some will say that I’m making an excuse to not compromise, evolve, or commit. Let’s say I’m a homebody and a bit of a fitness freak. I’m dating a woman named Alisha. Alisha is a ball of energy, hates being inside, and loves working out. As you would expect, Alisha and I work out together regularly, do marathons, obstacle courses, you name it. We are each other’s favorite person for fitness activities.  But come the weekend or even an after work happy hour, I’d rather be at home and she’d rather be out. She wants to go out with someone she can connect with, and I want to cuddle on the couch naked with take out and a good discussion. Now normally, in monogamy, we’d each be expected to compromise but in polyamory, we don’t have to. She doesn’t have to force herself to sit still, and I don’t have act like I’m having a good time with strangers; there’s no pressure on either of us to do this. Why? Because Alisha has John (or Linsey) who shares her outgoing spirit that she would much rather prefer to go out with. And me? I have Sharon, who loves nothing more than to argue over books we read and stay inside. Now who’s losing here? Every person is literally getting their needs and desires met. I know Alisha is out with John (or Linsey), John (or Linsey) knows about me, Alisha knows about Sharon, and Sharon knows about Alisha. Everyone is aware of everyone else, there are no secrets, and everyone gets to do what they truly want to do with the people whom they truly want to do it with. The person I want to cuddle with and the person I want to do mud runner with, do not have to be one and the same. Polyamory gives me (and my partners) the freedom to connect with others to get all of my (and their) desires and needs met.

In truth, this is probably the biggest draw to polyamory for me. There are several other reasons, but I’m realizing how long this post is. I’ll make a part II (and maybe part III), but for now, I’ll stop here. Let me know your thoughts, I know you got some!

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SBM in ATL by Sbm - 3w ago

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted, I know, no excuses. In any case, I’ve been giving this blog a lot of thought and I still plan to expand it. However, several months ago, I decided to step into the polyamory lifestyle fully.

Photo by @dimexphotography from nappy.co

Now, you’re probably wondering why I didn’t mention this before. I mean, this blog is anonymous and the whole point of that is so I can be candid about my dating experiences. In truth, given the taboo nature of being poly, I feared that it would alienate people and cause fewer people to relate. After giving it much thought though, I still feel the blog will be worth reading whether you’re poly or not. Not to mention, if anything, it should be entertaining and satisfy some people’s curiosities.

Also, from looking at the analytics, looks like a number of you want more posts about sex (yall some freaks lol). Well rest assured, since stepping into the poly world, there’s been no shortage of that and I’ll start divulging those stories.

Now I mentioned up above and in other posts that I still plan on expanding the blog but I’ve never detailed what that means. It’s simple really, I’d like to have other black men share their dating experiences and wisdom. And to be clear, even though I’m poly, this blog will not be limited to poly. The plan is to get as many lifestyles, sexualities, and points of views as possible. My goal is to share with the world what dating is like from the point of view of black men.

With that said, if you’re a black man and have a story or wisdom you’d like to share on this platform, I’ll have a place for you to contact me in the coming weeks.

Also, if it isn’t obvious, I’ll be creating a sister site for black women (or combining, haven’t decided). So ladies, if you’d like to contribute, I definitely want to hear from you as well. The goal is exactly the same, to share with the world what dating is like from the point of view of black women.

Help spread the word by sharing with your friends and on social media! Shout outs for those who spread the word!

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Hey folks! Happy New Year! I’ve been slacking on the blog but I’m getting back on the horse.

There has been an article floating around the internet: So, What’s A Pre-Date Anyway?

Photo by @eyeforebony from nappy.co

It came out last year, but seems to be making its rounds again (at least, on my social feeds anyway). I wasn’t going to touch this subject, but after an interaction on POF I just had with a young lady, it made me think about it.

I wrote a while back about initial communications with someone new and how it often feels like an Interrogation. Well, this interaction was no different. Me asking multiple questions, forming complete sentences, and getting back 2 word answers. After a while, I had run out of fucks to give and called her out on it – politely mind you. Surprisingly, I actually got full sentences in response. She explained that she preferred face to face interactions vs on the phone. This is perfectly understandable, and I simply retorted that I’d prefer to establish some sort of connection prior to meeting face to face. She gave no fucks and basically told me, “well that’s you, you asked why I was dry and I told you”. Sensing the clear dearth of fucks she had for my desire to converse, I politely concluded the exchange.

This got me to thinking… This is why pre-dates happen.

Hear me out. In the past, I’ve done the olde school way of asking a woman out and getting to know her on the date. When it came to online dating, I tried to skip the texting, phone calls, and meet in person as quickly as possible. I quickly learned that this is a great way to waste a lot of time, effort, and money on people I had no future with. There were dates where I knew in the first 5 minutes that there was no future. Dates where I really put in time and effort to pull off, only to discover that she was more interested in her phone or couldn’t form a complete sentence to save her life. This was an expensive lesson for me.

Now, before you start saying that I’m being cheap and that men shouldn’t be concerned about time, effort, and money spent on dates… Let me remind you, our generation is fucked financially. Don’t pretend you haven’t seen the articles about how we’re under crushing debt, earning less money, etc. I’m not going to lie to you though, I do make good money, at least by Atlanta’s standards. But understand this, I am in Atlanta… my cup runneth over with plenty of single women to choose from. What does this mean? This means I can rack up dates very easily. When I was really on the prowl, I could have up to 4 dates in a single week. Typical dinner date with me is $80-100. This adds up very quickly. I remember one month, I had spent over $1000 on various dates (not all dinner dates mind you).

Obviously, this was unsustainable. I had to change my approach. Enter the pre-date. Now, when I first meet someone, I try to keep it low key. Yes, I may suggest Starbucks, a walk in the park, hell I’ll invite her to my place and offer to cook or order in. In any case, I’m reducing my initial investment into this person, should there not be any real connection (and it has saved me time and money on more than one occasion). Now I have to disagree with the article in question. I am not doing this to try to get the goods without making any real investment (but I’m not opposed to it should it happen, sue me). But I am definitely trying to figure out whether this person is truly worth my time and effort.

Just like women don’t want to waste their time, I don’t want to waste mine, and definitely don’t want to spend more money than necessary. People say that women should have standards for themselves and I fully agree and support that. But on the same token, I have standards as well.

Bringing this full circle, going back to the conversation that triggered all of this… This is why conversation is so important. I’ve reached a point now where I’m looking to have a conversation and speak on the phone a few times before ever meeting in person. For me, this is the “pre-date” now. Ladies, listen carefully.

This initial phase is so critical and determines whether or not I ask to meet you at Starbucks or I plan a full on date for you (or worse, my place with the intent to smash). If I feel that you’re not really engaged or not really interested in me, but you’re somewhat present, guess what? I’m getting you an iced latte. On the other hand, if you put in effort to communicate (meaning I’m not the only one initiating contact), you’re excited to talk to me, you flirt with me, you can hold a conversation, get your hair and nails done, cause I’m planning an evening for you.

The pre-date is a result of multiple factors, not just men trying to take short cuts (not going to pretend that this isn’t a factor, but not the only one). Like it or not, the world is changing. Our generation is not living in the same world as our parents or grand parents. As a result, our culture has been and is changing; including dating and courting.

Help spread the word by sharing with your friends and on social media! Shout outs for those who spread the word!

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Once again, another form of personal torture that we put ourselves through. Although it took me far longer than it should have, I finally broke things off with Stephanie. Things came to a head for me when she came over not too long ago.

I had been out in the city and she hit me up (drunk mind you) asking if she could come over and if I wanted to fuck. She was a bit over the top but I hadn’t seen her in a while and obliged. She was really excited to see me and I legit was looking forward to seeing her. When she got to my place, that excitement she had was non-existent. I tried to do something besides our usual watch something, fuck, and go to sleep. I offered to play card games, board games, video games, just sit and talk, wrestle, etc. I listed many options and to each one, she literally just shrugged her shoulders, never saying a word. When I tried to show her some affection, she didn’t respond. She pretty much completely shut down. This was not the first time she’s done this but I decided that it would be the last.

The following days, we spoke about it and I expressed to her that it wasn’t working for me. I told her that I am ready to start the next chapter of my life and that despite us having been dating for several months, I didn’t feel I was any closer to her than I was when we first met. I told her, that we weren’t moving forward and I was doing everything in my power to connect with her. My patience had run out and I wanted to move on.

And you know what happened? She started speaking up. She started expressing herself. She started being present and putting forth effort to connect, show interest, and reveal who she was. Unfortunately, I was done and had no interest, but it begs the question…

Why do we wait until we’re about to lose someone we care about to finally get our shit together?

For days (until she finally gave up), she tried reaching out and asking me what’s going on in my life, the progress I’ve made on my goals, etc. Basically, all the shit she should have been doing. She complained that I wasn’t giving her a chance. Have you ever heard this before? It’s a common question apparently, because she and many of my exes have said the exact same thing after I broke up with them. Here’s what I say to them…

You’ve had multiple chances since the moment I first brought all of this up!

I swear, people are shocked when someone breaks up with them as if they couldn’t see it coming. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told an ex, “I’ve been telling you this shit for months and NOW you listen to it after I’m walking away?”. But somehow, I’m not being fair and robbing them an opportunity to do what was consistently asked for.

My closest friends have told me that I stay in relationships way too long. And they are 100% right. I give way too many second chances and hope that “eventually they’ll get it”. I go months hoping things change but they don’t. And the reason why I bring this up is because it’s not like I tell these women once and if it doesn’t change in a week, I’m out. No, I let shit slide for months before finally throwing in the towel. And in truth? This is why I don’t give them a chance to fix things after I’ve ended it.

Because it shouldn’t take things getting to point of ending the relationship to finally make a change.

Seriously, I wish Stephanie all the best. She is a wonderful woman and I hope she continues to evolve, learn, and eventually find happiness.

Help spread the word by sharing with your friends and on social media! Shout outs for those who spread the word!

Add me on Facebook: SBM in ATL
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