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She may speak few words
Her intentions are many
In the form of a sentence
She will take you to deep places
Her mind is troubled
And, so she holds back
She has great motives
Her stories are endless
Though you will never know them
Because her words are few

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What clouds of smoke used to cover
Psychedelics and pills smothered
Onve taken away from the habits pain remains
Adderall masked
Allowimg dark feelings to pass
Now wise mind acts in a world of misery
Underneath I am left raw
I turn up a glass
Hoping
Remembering
"This too shall pass"
No longer do I partake in a reality that is not real
Thick clouds, vibrant colors, constant itching, and fast pace
Are things of the past
It seems nearly a decade I did waste
Yet, now the room spins
As I try to move on
My eyes open to the madness
While my soul hums its felt tune
I decide to face the present for a while
I'm scared what that truly means
The room finally stopped spinning
What a beautiful, terrifiying thing to behold
The pain and misery both coexist
I'm learning and hoping
Remembering
"This too shall pass"

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She whispers some unkind words
Not everyone can hear
To those who listen; she is captivating
Every ear which can hear her does not listen the same
To some her words are nonsense
Others hear great truth
I am the latter; utterly stunned
She whispers some more words
I am enchanted
The volume of her whisper is deafening
Not easily ignored
With her words flowing in I bleed tears out
The whispers are constant
She doesn't even stop for air
She barks commands
My body is her playground
There are rules that only she gets to makeup
Her words are whispers
They rush in like flooding water
To those who listen a warning: you will all surely drown

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Don't look im the mirror
You won't quickly get out
Once your eyes leave the glass the image you saw will remain
What you saw wasn't there
Now, imprinted on your mind threatening to send you insane
Looking even for a second offers nothing but lies

On the treadmill, or off
Gasping strongly for air
Hours you've tried to shift the reflection
Sweat seeps from your pores
From the exercise you choose to perform
Your monster constantly demanding even more
So, you stop altogether in safety from the soreness

Clothes on the hanger
Then skin
Finally floor
Trying to get dressed for the day such a miserable chore
You try on six more outfits to return to the first
Or you simply give up and refuse to go out

Things you once loved
Now a part of the past
Mirrors aren't for getting dolled up
Exercise almost nonexistent
Fashion irrelevant for the moment

The mirror reflects deceit
The gym holds promises of defeat sure to come
Material sticks to your skin just like glue
About any of it, is there anything you can do?

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She takes my hand by surprise
I was merely floating?
She convinces me I was drowning
She pulls me a shore
Offers me false air to restore my lungs
It tastes refreshing
My life feels brand new
We've meet before in passing
Now, she is me
I depend on her
Without me she cannot survive
Entangled
Enmeshed
What a beautiful tragedy
She doesn't allow me to swim now
At fear I might not return
To the shore of " safety" she's created for us to exist on
There's no freedom on her sand
Rules are always here
She gives promises she cannot uphold
Screams at me with every change of the wind
I want to swim away from the beach now
I'm realizing her ways are like her sister's who I knew very well in the past
That relationship took up almost all that I was
Now teetering with nothing left to give
She wants it all- my entire soul
A beach full of broken glass has become home
In sand of shards I play
Risking my very life
It's what she wants and I love her
Yet, I'd give anything to see her go
In truth she'll never leave me
I must be the one to swim
Away from the beach of broken glass
Returning to participate, floating in life once again

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I can't sleep so I write
About what I don't know
Time is a blurr
My heart is nearly empty at the moment
Everything has rushed into my head
Chaos is rampant
Time, still blurry
I'm not just restless in my body
My mind begins to weep
Body and mind fighting
Only one of them wanting sleep
The other needs space to process
This isn't the time
But time makes no sense when not clear
Problems have no clock
I'm left to write
In the midst of the fight
Wishing for clarity
Balance between heart and mind
One empty
One overflowing
Time moves on slowly
The alarm will soon sound
I'll be at it in no time
Problems have no clock
Time is blurry

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Sins come and go
I repent, allowing my spirit to grow
Things of the past become present
Only now I know better
I let go and move on
Aimimg for health
Thoughts are lingering
Urges are present
I slide
Flashes of the past threaten reality
Bad decisions I used to make come back all too naturally
I'm sitting on a ledge
The wind begins to blow
He knows certainly
Which way will I go?
Old habits die hard
New take much skill
What's the equivalent for numbing?
Quick fixes cause damage
I'm left enduring the shame
So, I try to part the path between what was and what currently remains
No need to shove down
The reason for my permanent frown
Embrace the moment
Yearning for health
Taking a long scream
Take a simple minute to enjoy a nature
I try to forgive
Never forget
The past and present collide in form of memory and experience
Sins occur in both
Repentence , even in the middle
How'd I get on the ledge to begin with?
Why is it so high?
Will He float me down firmly on the right side?
Questions swarm
Anxiety grows
The past is valid
The present is tangible
I'm stuck in two worlds colliding
The sun comes up
Just as quickly it fades
A broken person somewhere becomes whole
Health is the goal
In my daunting reality
Expectations I set are unreasonably high
I struggle to reach them and sin in vain
Motives are skewed but I know what I want
Let alone what I need
Sinning is an innate part of me
The sins from the past
Creep into the present
Colliding
On the ledge that I'm on I could jump or climb down
Falling seems faster
Instant gratification has lure
Yet, also great danger
Climbing requires strength
That physically I have
My mind is quite weak from the collision I'm undergoing
Sins come and go
Fleeting moments of choices
Seconds
Minutes
Do separate
A thin line between sin
I'm at it again
Now in my knees
Crying out for some form of clarity
What's old is here, new a like
They are beginning to tangle in a web of sin
I cannot see to break the pattern
Though faith is blind
So, just begin to wander through sin, past and present
Look for the health
In new aspects of life
Because old sins die eventually and are put to rest

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Blind to beauty
Seeing only darkness
Deaf to music
Listening to the vibrations of a scream
There is no joy to feel
Only suffering and physical pain
Taste of hate bubble from the soul
Leaving no room for love
In the realm of trauma
Who says you experience it all?
In and out
Time loss occurs
You learn and you cope the best you can
Allowing your body and brain to fight and defend
Flight
Fight
Freeze
None are just right
Your response is your response
Whether you want to own it at all
You judge and you sigh
Willing things to be different
The brain reacts just the same
But it feels different
Each time intense
Uncomfortable
Terrifying
No less overwhelming
But slightly more familiar
The images
The circular thoughts
Nightmares
And recordings
The reaction to the human response is key
Rewire
Reward
You are still here
Visualize a sunset
Sing a new song
Taste an innocent kiss
Try to remember the little things
Ground with the senses
Even if only in your head
I say, you can experience it all

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Waking up with you in my face
A line of life from my nose to my gut
You came with glory to other women
A status of illness
Unwanted attention; feeding my monster
To me a wake up alarm

Pain
Bloating
Tears

I pleaded against you
You supported my life

Sore throat
Accustomed body
Yet never resting mind

Calories counted
While pushed through the tube
Less food on my lips
As I adjusted to you

Thoughts and obsessions about removing you myself
Frozen in fear of consequences; court orders were on the table
So I allowed you to remain in place

Exercise rampant
Even within those walls
Empty threats of removal from the facility
Which made me panic in fear
Also that incredible sense of deep yearning

Heat packs to soothe
Deep, long discussions
Which I wasn't capable of at the time

Music
Oh, so very much music

Weeks came and went
You began to feel permanent
I depended on you
Perhaps more than I should
With that came shame

Nausea

I refused to use you overnight
Fighting that extra support that you had to offer
Fighting the need of all nutritional elements

Feeling like a failure
Because I needed you at all
Feeling distraught about what you were doing

Changes occurred over time
Mentally and physically
We began working as a team
As my mind grew stronger
Some sense of control started to filter back in

I needed you less often
Now a safety net
You stayed longer than you were welcome
Though you never really were
Not even in the time we were a team

Vivid dreams
Nightsweats
Freezing cold hands

Life being pumped through a body deserving
That supported a delicate mind
As my body became less frail and grey
The mind still churning
No longer running on empty all day

The whole time I had you the chatter never went away

You were eventually removed with ease
As you never belonged in me

I remembered my power
Refusals of food came back rapidly without your support
You almost came back
But I'd had enough

I started to eat
In the most fake manner
My body was growing
Mental growth stagnant

A lot happened in the following months
Feeling triumphant; you were gone
My monster was present
I hide her away for months at the time
Though she wasn't sleeping
Not even a portion of the time
She waited patiently for her "turn" to make another appearance

Root issues were not addressed
Within that seven long month stay
The idea of my physical well-being emphasized throughout all of the days

More pleading
Now for life
I was sent on my way

A quick return she made
She never gave up
I made little attempt to stop her
I remembered my power

You were gone
I was left with a choice
Unwell mentally I was defeated

There would be plenty of times following that you were again offered and mentioned
All of them refused and not listened to
Daring you to make a return

I have resentments and traumas
About the lack of control
The lack of awareness of the benefits to my soul

Today breath in my lungs
No instruments of external support in place
She is gone
Still haunting, waiting, lurking

Her sister is here
A new game to play
That doesn't involve you
So please, just stay away

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I'm angry. At myself, specifically. Why couldn't I just eat the food? And where is the self- compassion in that question? And how can I literally have no compassion for the fact that I'm struggling with lack of grace? I'm not going to purge.  I have something to prove to myself. I am in the present. There is no tube supporting my life in the present. The supplement was nourishment. Not punishment. Food is not the enemy. I will not alliw myseld to treat myself the way they treated my body and mind. Not tonight. I can handle the emotions. I am okay. Struggle is not weakness. They do not equate. Recovery is not linear. I have not failed. The conversation was a major trigger. Why do I need to know the ages at which people lost their virginity? I am taken back to two events. The first time I was raped and the first time I had sex. A young, fighting, traumatized child the first. An insecure teen. With alcohol in my system and a t-shirt to cover my body. Both experiences traumatic in their own way. Niether a place I need my mind while I try to face a meal. I didn't speak up at the table. I could have set a boundry. Maybe I should have? I assume ignorance not malice. I accept that what is a trigger for me is banter for some. I understand why I was triggered. I understand that the pain is valid. I'm angry that I'm bulimic. Angry, but acceptance is now present. I'm angry I took so long to admit the metamorphosis. The shift from one disorder to another. I'm angry that the stigmas and pressure feel like engrained thoughts. I'm angry that I'm  angry at myself for all these thoughts present. They are beyond my control. That makes me angry, too. I'm thankful for kind words. I'm thankful for progress that cannot be taken away. I'm thankful for my paper and pen. I'm thankful I'm not purging. And, i'm so fucking angry.

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