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Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat by Momma Kat And Her Bear Cat - 22h ago
There's a household emergency ... and surprisingly, the emergency is not the broken bathtub faucet that can't be turned off - though that's an emergency of an entirely different nature. Momma's losing her sanity! Where do you think she lost it? And can you guess the cause?! You can be sure the cats don't mind hastening Momma's breakdown! ! Please note: No cats were hurt, scared or got wet to inspire this post; that part is entirely fiction.

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat

BC: Momma's in the shower!
EM: Weird. It seems so barbaric to stand under a whoosh of water.
BC: She chose you. And The Boy. So her taste is somewhat questionable. I mean, if I were human, I'd only eat Cheez-its and brownies - but she loves ... PHHT ... VEGETABLES. 
{Pause}
BC: And she gives us a hard time for licking our butts - like that indicates some shortcoming in taste!
EM: She doesn't give me a hard time about licking my ...
BC: Yeah. I guess she just expects it of you.
EM: Now wait a minute ... she gives you a hard time about licking MY butt.
BC: So what game should we play?
EM: Play? {Looking around} With ME?
BC: DUH. Who else do I play with?
EM: I didn't know you played with me.
BC: Dodge sparkle ball? Wrestling? Tag?
EM: Pole dancing?
BC: You and your scratchers.
EM: Daddy says it's not pole dancing to use a scratching post. And he should know ...

BC: Know what? He doesn't even know which end is his butt!
EM: About what qualifies as pole dancing!
BC: And he also said it's not your fault ...
EM: And something about blessing my heart. Does that mean I'm sick? Or am I going to die? Why else would he bless my heart?
BC: Hmm ... Want to play chicken with the blinds? Hide the mousie?
EM: I'm not falling for that one again! Besides, the mousie won't fit up there.
BC: I'd love to try again ...
EM: Dream on.
BC: We better be quick. Momma will be out of the shower soon!
EM: I just want to play with my sparkle balls. I like my sparkle balls. And they are fun to play with - at least until they get stuck under the furniture. But you can't play with my sparkle balls. As Momma said, you couldn't hang on to your own balls, so you shouldn't be trusted with anyone else's.

BC: It's not like I misplaced them! I'd be a totally different boy if I had my balls.
EM: And yet ... you'd still be a jerk.
BC: You be the look out this time!
EM: Look out? Like the window?
BC: NO! Watch for Momma coming!
EM: Why?
BC: SO WE CAN MISBEHAVE!
MK: Oh?
BC: RATS! SMELLIE! You should've told me she was coming up behind me. You're fired!
EM: Awww. And I was just starting to love our relationship. It wasn't my fault! I didn't want to interrupt you! That'd be rude.
BC: Why's the water still on? Did you forget to turn it off? Because you seem to be forgetting a lot lately. Like the other night when you put the clothes in the dryer and then forgot to turn it on? Or last night when you put the pot on the stove and you forgot to turn on the burner?

MK: I guess you should be happy I haven't forgotten to feed you.
EM: {GASP} That's not even funny to joke about!
BC: See? You already forgot the water's on!
MK: The faucet broke. I can't turn it off.
BC: Usually you have no problem turning things off.
MK: Don't worry. I won't forget you said that.
BC: Daddy says ... err ... I mean SMELLIE'S Daddy says that women never forget anything a guy says.
EM: I'm not going to get wet, am I? Because I really hate getting wet.
MK: No. The water should stay in the tub.
EM: I'm not going anywhere near that tub!
BC: Don't you want to see?
EM: Last time you asked me that about watching the toilet flush, you pushed me in!
BC: RATS! I'm running out of tricks.

EM: Maybe I'm just getting smarter-er so I don't fall for them!
{Silence}
{Bear chuckles}
EM: Oh, SHUT YOUR TRAP!
BC: There might be tuna in there.
EM: TUNAS? Really?!?
MK: {sigh} Bear!
BC: What? Smellie could use a bath. 
EM: I hate baths! But one with tunas ... 
BC: SEE?!
MK: But there aren't any tunas!
EM: Oh, fine. I see how it is. You keep the tasty whole chickens away from Bear and you deprive me of your stock of tasty tuna!
BC: It's not really a STOCK ...
EM: YOU'VE MET THE TUNAS?

BC: Well, I don't like to brag ... but Mary, Carrie and I go WAY back.
EM: THAT'S IT! Momma's hiding the tunas in water because she knows I won't go near water ... I'm going to be brave and march into the bathroom and seize my tunas!
BC: Nope. Still got it.
EM: Still got what? Tunas?
BC: Make sure you get on the very edge of the tub!
MK: BEAR!
EM: HMPH! Don't get mad at Bear for telling me about the tunas! He's a GOOD brother!
MK: Oh, brother.
EM: EXACTLY!
MK: The longer you're here, the more Bear rubs off on you!
EM: We're cats! That's what we do! Rub our scent off on stuff!
MK: No. I wasn't referring to scenting ... oh, never mind. You might just want to think about what Bear says.
EM: DUH! I'm going to go get my tunas!
MK: Ellie, how many times does Bear tell you the truth?
EM: Well, he said I make a good idiot the other day ...

{Bear chuckles}
EM: But that's not true!
MK: Uh huh.
BC: Yeah. You make a BAD idiot. Hahahahaha.
MK: BEAR!
EM: Thank you, Bear! That's the nicest ...
{Bear chuckles}
EM: Wait a minute ...
BC: You better run and grab those tunas before they're all gone!
EM: OH! RIGHT! Good idea! I better get on that!
{Momma sighs}
EM: You're so unfair to Bear! He's a good brother!
MK: Uh huh. Where have I heard THAT before?
EM: I'm going in! Past this curtain ... {climbing on the edge of the bathtub} this is kind of slippery!
{Pause}
EM: Well, wait a minute ... all I see is white! I'm dead! Death by tuna! I see the light! I see the light! I knew water was going to be the end of me!

BC: That's the second shower curtain, you idiot! You have to look around it!
EM: So I'm not dead?
BC: Not yet. Hehehehehe.
EM: Oh! Now I see the water! But there aren't any tunas!

BC: Look closer!
EM: Wait a minute ... that's what you said last time when you pushed me ...
{Pause as Bear whaps Ellie on her butt}
BC: {running off the rim of the tub} BYE!
EM: Uh oh! I can't quite hold on .. oop ... {splash}.

{Pause}
EM: I'M WET! I'M WET! BEAR PUSHED ME IN THE WATER!
BC: Again.
EM: HELP! HELP! I need the lifeguard! Call 911! I can't swim! I can't ... 
MK: Put your feet down!
EM: Oh, wait. There's not enough water to sink into.
BC: It's just too easy ...
EM: {looking like a mad wet hen} BEAR! I've had enough of your games!
BC: What are you talking about?
EM: You pushed me in the water!
BC: NO! I was trying to show you where the tuna are!
EM: There WAS tuna in there?
BC: Of course! Have I ever lied to you?

{Momma coughs}
EM: OH! I'll go back and look again!
MK: THAT'S IT! NO CAT IS GOING NEAR THE WATER! NO CAT IS GOING IN THE WATER! NO CAT IS PUSHING OR BEING PUSHED! NO CATS IN THE BATHROOM! 
EM: But ... what if you're sitting in the bathroom and I need pets? You know I like to rub up against you and jump on your lap while I have a captive audience!
MK: You are both grounded from the bathroom!
EM: COOL! I'm finally grounded! I have street cred! Ha! I'm a bad-@$$ just like my brother! That's right ... who wants to be right when you can be so wrong!
{Pause as Ellie thinks}
EM: But what about the tunas?
MK: THERE AREN'T ANY TUNAS!
EM: But ... you mean there aren't any tunas like there aren't tasty whole chickens behind closed doors? I get your drift. Wink. Wink.
MK: NO! THERE REALLY AREN'T ANY TUNAS!
EM: You say that to Bear too!
BC: No. She lied and said there weren't any tasty whole chickens behind the closed door. She didn't say anything about stupid tuna.
EM: Tunas aren't stupid! Tasty whole chickens are stupid! Brothers are stupid! Mommas depriving SWEET LITTLE KITTY CATS of tunas is stupid!
MK: ARG! BECAUSE BOTH OF THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE! THERE AREN'T ANY TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS AND THERE AREN'T ANY TUNA! NO ONE'S BEING DEPRIVED OF ANYTHING ... EXCEPT ME! I'm being robbed of my sanity! I need a drink! Or ten! I need a massage. I need some peace and quiet! I ... I ...
EM: Sheesh. What's HER problem?
BC: She's a woman. Like I have any idea. You see The Boy trying to figure her out all the time.
EM: It's useless.
BC: Well, he's a bit ... special as it is.
EM: I'm special!
BC: Yes. Yes, you are.
EM: Wait a ...

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.

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Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat by Momma Kat And Her Bear Cat - 4d ago
This episode occurred the week before last. Momma used her break from blogging to complete her taxes. Bear had just started his new medication - which now seems to be working in terms of what he eats and how he's not vomiting nearly as much as he did before - at least for now. Momma's quickly learned that with pancreatitis there's a big difference between winning a battle and winning the war. Sometimes life involves two spatting cats ... taxes ... and lots of barfing.

PLEASE HELP! We need a favor! As many of you know, Momma's been unhappy with our current format. As is, even Momma wouldn't read our own posts because they are so long. Momma's operated on the assumption that people would prefer the entire story in one place than to have parts scattered throughout the week. Please let us know what you think. Would you be just as likely to read our posts if they were spread over three days instead of all in one? Which format do you prefer? Do you have any other ideas about how to structure our posts? Better organization? More headings? Too many "private" jokes and references that require being a regular reader of our blog to get? Let us know in the comments!

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

MK: I HATE taxes. But I'm ALMOST done ... just need to print out and finish this worksheet ...
BC: {jumping on the table} HI!

MK: Bear ...
BC: Don't worry. I've got this Momma. No one shoots paper at my Momma!
{Pause}
BC: Are you talking to me? ARE. YOU. TALKING. TO. ME?
MK: Ummm ...
BC: I'm not talking to you, Momma!
MK: Then who are you ...
BC: I've had enough of your sass. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? You shoot that paper at me one more time ...
MK: WHAT?! Shooting paper?
BC: THE PRINTER! Well, fidget you too, stupid printer! I'll funk you up, punk! I'll skunk your junk until your spunk is shrunk. 
MK: But ...
BC: Try to throw a piece my way, why don't you? You can't be tougher than Bear Cat Kat! I'm not scared of anything! I'm the quack daddy! Come on! MAKE. MY. DAY! I'm going to shove that paper so far up ...
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Come back with that! I wasn't done with you!
MK: Bear, it pulls the paper back in to print on the other side.
BC: That's what I thought! It got up on the wrong side of the printer.
MK: No, see it prints two-sided ...
BC: Come back here and let me teach you a lesson!

{Pause}
BC: I see you mocking me, stupid printer! We'll finish this right now!
{The printer makes a noise that startles Bear}
BC: AHHH! It's trying to kill me! It's trying to kill me! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLP!
MK: Bear! It's just a paper!
BC: Don't be ridiculous. It's not JUST a paper ... famous last words! JUST a paper until a cat ends up in a chalk outline!
{Pause as the printer feeds another sheet of paper to print on}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! {Jumping down from the table} It's after me! It's after me! HELP! Hold my calls! You haven't seen me! I don't live here! I gotta get out of here!

MK: Mr. Tough Pants strikes again!
EM: Sheesh. When Momma said she was doing her taxes she said that it frustrates her to no end ... but they are downright dangerous! 
BC: {from under the bed} Death by taxes!
MK: One more copy.
EM: I'll take care of this! NO ONE HURTS MY BROTHER!
BC: {from under the bed} NO! Smellie! Don't go near that evil contraption! It will throw paper at you!
{Pause}
BC: HUH? What am I saying? STICK YOUR HEAD IN THERE!
{Pause}
BC: {coming out from under the bed} I gotta see this!
EM: I'm not stupid! I saw what happened when you stuck your head in the printer.
BC: I did that to teach you a lesson.
EM: How to be a moron? Adventures in ...
{Paper feeds into the printer}
BC: {running back under the bed} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MK: Whew! That's done. That goes on the stack ... Now to finish the ...
EM: OH! Paper on the floor! Paper on the floor! I have to lay on it!
MK: NOT MY TAXES!
{Pause}
MK: Bear! I turned the printer off - it's safe to come out.
BC: Phht. Like I'm scared of a piece of paper. The Boy, the printer ... you're really good at turning things off.
EM: Umm ... this is comfy. Surely the tax people wouldn't mind a few samples of my wonderful fur, right? They might even give you an extra credit!
MK: Ellie! OFF MY TAXES!
EM: Awww.
BC: Yeah. Right. I bet every year, they get tons of fur from every Tom, Dick and Harry Cat. 
EM: WHO? Why would Tom, Dick, and Harry send all their fur to the tax people? 

BC: Fur with one's taxes ... SO passe and pedestrian. And fur doesn't pay the bills!
MK: I seem to remember some cat furring up my homework, our business cards, greeting cards ...
BC: Phht. That's different. That's MY fur!
EM: I bet Tom, Dick and Harry Cat wouldn't appreciate you calling them passe and pedestrian. Hmmm ...
{Pause}
EM: Well, my fur might be worth something ... thick bushy tail ... shiny coat ... it only seems fair to share my wealth ...
MK: Come on, Ellie! MOVE!
BC: And your taxes could maybe use a fang mark or two ... you know, for authenticity.
MK: Don't you dare! I need to finish my return!
BC: RETURN? You're taking Smellie back? Or The Boy? Or BOTH? MY. PRAYERS. HAVE. BEEN. ANSWERED!
EM: HEY! I'm sick and tired of you making fun of me!
BC: You make a good idiot.
EM: Thanks!
MK: BEAR!
EM: Wait a minute ...
BC: Gee. Thanks, Momma! If you hadn't said my name she wouldn't have realized ...
EM: I'm not stupid! I'm really smart! I can over-smart you anytime!

BC: Please. You couldn't over-smart me even if you had a brain and a dictionary.
EM: I could over-smart you with my paws tied behind my back and blind-folded.
BC: Don't tempt me. That actually sounds perfect. Well, as long as your mouth is taped shut.
MK: Can you two take this away from my taxes?
BC: Oh, really? YOU can over-smart me? How many times have you run around like a crazy-pants thinking I was chasing you?
EM: Well, you said you'd play with me ...
BC: EXACTLY! You should know better.
EM: Aww. I just want to be your friend!
BC: Okay.
EM: REALLY?!?!
BC: Moron!
EM: That's not a nice thing to call a friend! No wonder you don't have any friends!
BC: Hehehehehehehehehehehe.
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... I have PLENTY of friends. They're just intimidated by my handsome perfection.
EM: Why do I get the idea that I'm the butt of some joke?
BC: You're certainly the butt of ...
MK: BEAR!
EM: You want a piece of me? GO FOR IT! But I'll hand you your fat striped butt on a platter!
BC: HA! You don't have a HAND to hand me anything! And we don't have a platter. HA!
MK: Can you two take this away from my taxes? I'm ALMOST done and I just want to be done with it!
EM: Not only is Bear mean to me, but everything I love gets destroyed thanks to Bear! My old scratcher, my new scratcher ... my box! He ruins everything!

BC: Phht. I can't help it. I'm a force of nature!
EM: A force of nature that's scared of everything!
BC: Besides, I'm sick, remember? I can't help barfing.
EM: And you can't barf on say ... your shark bed or the cat cube?
BC: But then I couldn't use them!
EM: EXACTLY!
BC: I think you should rethink the demise of the old scratcher and your box.
EM: You BARFED on them!
BC: No. I BARFED on the old scratcher and on the new scratcher. I FARTED in your box.
EM: Either way, it's gross!
BC: But the way I remember it, the actual destruction wasn't me.


EM: MOMMA! Bear's confusing me!
BC: Big surprise. HUGE!
{Pause}
BC: Besides, I'm a boy. We do boy stuff and we change for no woman!
EM: Boys are gross.

The Boy: HUH?
EM: Not you, Daddy.
BC: ESPECIALLY him.
{Ellie vomits}
BC: NOT BAD! NOT BAD, SISTER! A little practice aiming, some dramatics - and you'll be on par with me!
EM: I didn't mean to do that! My belly is furry.
BC: Furry? You ate that kibble from behind the couch, didn't you?
EM: Err ... but that's not what I'm talking about. My fur coat is so gloriously bushy and full that I get a stomach full of fur when I groom myself.
MK: Oh, Ellie! Are you okay? I don't remember seeing you vomit before.
BC: Her stomach is "furry."
MK: Ellie Mae Kat, did you eat that moldy kibble from behind the couch?
EM: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP ASKING ME THAT? Like I go around eating stuff off the floor ...
BC: And ...
EM: Hmmm ...
{Pause}
EM: Yeah. I am kind of a kitty garbage disposal. So what?

{Pause}
EM: It's so unfair! Bear gets all this special attention and is forgiven for just about everything because he's sick. He gets all the good food and you don't make him share!
BC: Phht. Like I'm a Share Bear. More accurately ... my name is Bear and I'm a barf-aholic.
EM: Last night, Momma made three plates of food for you! She wouldn't do that for me. And you ate none of them!
BC: Phht. And who got them when I turned my nose up at them?
EM: BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME! I just got your left-overs!
BC: The left-overs taste the same.
EM: But why would I want something you won't eat?
BC: And yet, you did.
EM: I want to be sick too so I get all the special treatment! "Bear! PLEASE eat? PLEASE?" "Bear, I'll give you whatever food you want!" "Bear come cuddle with your Momma!" "Ellie! Leave Bear alone!"
BC: And go to the vet? Because Momma took me. And LEFT ME THERE for over an hour.
EM: Well, that doesn't sound so fun - but I like to flirt with people and have them admire my tail. With that string of yours, you wouldn't understand.
BC: STRING?! STRING?!?!? My STRING?!? Let me tell you, sister ... it's not the size of the tail ...
EM: But how you use it. Right? As repeated by every cat with a thin or short tail.
BC: Of all the ...
{Pause}
BC: I ... ! YOU! ... ERR ...!
EM: Cat got your tongue?
BC: That's it. Your box is toast. I'm barfing in it with an exuberance to end all barfing until the end of time.
EM: Then I might need to use my recently acquired skills to barf where you like to sleep.
BC: With Momma?
EM: Err ... good point.

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.


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Bear's on a new medication for his pancreatitis, and Ellie's helping Momma find her sense of humor. We're pretty sure Momma found it! What do you think?

BC: Bear Cat Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: DO SOMETHING!
EM: What? Usually you tell me NOT to do anything!
BC: Do something about Momma's sense of humor ... err ... or lack thereof. 
EM: Why do I have to do it?
BC: Because you're the under-the-couch ninja! And if Momma's sense of humor is really under the couch, you are our best chance for deliverance from Momma McGrumpy-Pants!
EM: Umm ... thank you. I think.
BC: Ugh. I even made Momma a sign for her lost of sense of humor but she got mad at me! The Boy thought it was funny though - I think that just made Momma madder!

EM: That was really sweet!
BC: And I tried cuddling with Momma and she was all restless and unsettled. Being a Momma's boy means if anyone can help, it's me.
EM: Oh. It must be bad!
BC: And last night, she sang ... I can't even ... my new medication ... she thinks it's funny ...
EM: Three Times a Fishy? I LOVED it! Your new medicine says it's triple fish flavored! It's ONCE! TWICE! THREE TIMES A FISHY ...
BC: That's my love song to torties!
EM: But it works ... you know, for triple fish.
BC: {mumbling} It tastes as nasty as it sounds ... and Momma and Daddy were ... LAUGHING!
EM: Daddy?
BC: Err ... I ... I ... HATE YOU!
{Pause as Ellie walks over to where Momma's working}
EM: Momma?
MK: Yes, Ellie?
EM: Your sense of humor? Now, where did you look for your sense of humor?

MK: Ellie, it can't be found! Don't worry about it.
EM: But I love you! I want you to laugh and be happy!
The Boy: Just not at my expense.
BC: As if I don't already feel like barfing because of pancreatitis.
EM: Shut up, Bear! You told me to help Momma.
MK: He did? That's so sw ...
BC: NOPE! I have street cred to think about! If you want a hug, we've got to do it in the bathroom where there aren't any windows and no chance of being seen.
EM: HEY! I'M the one that offered to help! Why does Bear get all the attention?
BC: If you have to ask ...
EM: I really don't like you sometimes.
{Pause}
EM: AHEM. Back to the issue at hand ...
{Pause}
EM: Err ... paw. And where did you see your sense of humor last?

BC: In the gutter! NO!
{Pause as Bear giggles}
BC: Up your ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: I'll tell you later.
MK: No, you won't!
EM: Your sense of humor must be under the couch! Everything ends up under there.
BC: Then why aren't YOU under there?
EM: I DON'T FIT!
BC: Duh. You're the size of a ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Sheesh! Someone's grumpy today! Momma McGrumpy-Pants!
EM: She's grumpy because she lost her sense of humor!
BC: Gone are the days when I migrate Momma's pen collection to under the couch. Or her toothbrush. Or her watch. Her bra wouldn't fit. Believe me ... I tried.
EM: {digging around under the couch} I think I see your sense of humor! Just got to get my paw under here a little more ...
{Pause}
EM: MY FAVORITE SPARKLE BALL!

BC: Smellie's got the attention span of a boy!
EM: OH! I got it! I got it! Wait. Nope. Just some lint.
BC: HELP! This is going to be a long day!
{Half a day passes and Momma and The Boy are sitting together on the couch}
EM: I hear you're giving rides.
{The Boy spits out his drink}
MK: WHAT?!
EM: Bear said ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: {from the other room} You've reached Bear Cat Kat. I didn't do it. But just try and I'll give you a message.
MK: {walking into the room where Bear is} What did you tell your sister?
BC: Like this week or for all time?
MK: Why does your sister think I'm giving rides?
BC: Returning to the scene of the crime ...
MK: EXCUSE ME?
BC: I'm sure it was as wonderful for The Boy as it was for you. EWW! To think I'm laying on the SAME BED you ...
MK: BEAR!
{Pause}
BC: WHAT?! Why are you looking at me like that!? You only look at me like that when ...

MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
BC: RATS! My full name. I'm screwed. Much like ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Good thing my name is so awesome that it can't be worn out!
{Pause}
BC: What'd I do this time?
{Pause}
BC: No. Wait. What didn't I do that you're blaming me for?
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm ... What am I being blamed for?
MK: This is the last time I'm going to ask ... Why does Ellie think I'm giving rides?
BC: HA! I won't answer you and you promised you wouldn't ask again!
MK: BEAR!
BC: WHAT?!? The Boy said ...
MK: LALALALALALALALA!
The Boy: {walking into the room} THE DOOR WAS CLOSED!
BC: That's pretty kinky ... tasty whole chickens and ...
EM: {walking into the room} What's kinky about tasty whole chickens?
MK: Why do you always assume a closed door means tasty whole chickens?
BC: Because why else would you close me out? I mean ... I'm me!
EM: What's kinky about tasty whole chickens?

MK: Don't listen to your brother. He's a bad influence.
BC: That's the nicest thing you've said to me since, "The Big Dodo isn't moving with us!"
EM: YEAH! Bear, you're a bad influence!
BC: Zip it or that will be the least of your problems!
EM: TELL ME! Were they making chicken nuggets or something? Or killing the nuggets? 
BC: Phht. A lot more fun.
EM: How's that fun? I was closed out of the room!
BC: For them.
EM: Who? The chickens?
BC: Forget the chickens!
EM: Momma's told you to forget tasty whole chickens, but you don't listen!
BC: ERR! Don't forget the chickens as food ... forget the chickens behind the closed door.
EM: I thought you didn't want to forget the chickens behind the door.
BC: I DON'T! I'm telling YOU to forget the chickens behind the door.
EM: HEY! If you get tasty whole chickens from behind the door ... so do I!

{Pause}
EM: What's a chicken nugget anyway? Is that like a baby chicken? As in, which came first, the nugget or the egg?
BC: Don't quit your day job.
EM: I don't have a day job!
BC: Exactly.
EM: That reminds me ... are the chickens laying their eggs on the other side of the door?
BC: Phht. They're CHICKENS. They get laid. Much like Momma and The Boy.
{The Boy spits out his drink}
MK: HUH?
BC: And Momma sleeps through it! You humans lay down in the bed and sleep for HOURS! That's getting LAID!
MK: Err ...
EM: MOMMA! You should come into my office! FINALLY! I have everything out from under the couch. I've been working for twenty-four ...
MK: HOURS?
EM: Err ... no. Err ... seconds.
BC: That's about how long it takes The Boy ...
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
BC: Sometimes I wish YOU were under the couch, Smellie.
EM: I don't fit!
BC: Because you've tried?
EM: Obviously. 
BC: TOO. DUMB.
EM: Well, you're THREE DUMB!
BC: What?
EM: Phew! That was hard work to dig everything out from under the couch!

{Pause}
EM: Wait a minute! Maybe I'll look under the phone stand.
{Pause}
EM: AHA!

MK: I lost my thingee under there!
EM: Err ... it's not your thingee unless your thingee is my favorite purple ball!
MK: Find anything else under the couch?
EM: Promise you won't be mad?
MK: Sure.
EM: I ate a chip I found that Daddy dropped. I also found a leaf. But I ate that too. Leafs aren't nearly as nummy as chips.
{Pause}
EM: Now what does you sense of humor look like again? I don't see it!
{Pause}
EM: Look at all these sparkle balls! I am immune to their charm. I'm helping my Momma!
{Pause}
EM: Then again, maybe I could take a short break while they're all out here like this.

BC: Did you find any pieces of Cheez-its? Or brownies? Because I really like Cheez-its and brownies. Though not together.
EM: Ummm ... no.
BC: YOU ATE THEM, DIDN'T YOU?!
EM: Well see, Momma told me your belly wasn't feeling so great so I ate them so you wouldn't get sick by eating them.
BC: How kind. You'll be a real cat yet.
EM: You'll be a real brother yet. Or a real boy.
BC: Ha. Ha. Ha.
EM: Are you laughing at what I said?
BC: NO! I'm laughing at your face!
EM: Whatever. Ummm ... what's that smell?
BC: Me being a real boy!
EM: Gross.
{Pause}
EM: Anyway. This is quite a stash! None of your stashes are this fabulous, Bear! Momma's sense of humor must be here somewhere!

BC: Phht. If Momma had a sense of humor to steal, it would be in one of my stashes already. You do realize Momma's sense of humor doesn't actually exist, right?
EM: She makes me laugh all the time!
BC: You're ticklish!
EM: WHAT?!

{Pause}
EM: Is this another one of your lies? Jump in the toilet because you're a dolphin, you said. You escaped from the circus freak show, you said. Watch out for the alien buffalo, you said. You've never said one truthful thing to me!
BC: You're looking very pretty today!
EM: REALLY?
BC: Absolutely.
EM: Aww. Thanks!
BC: {mumbling} Very pretty ... For a ...
{Pause}
BC: OH! Earlier, I called The Boy Daddy because he's YOUR Daddy. He's not MY Daddy - but he's a Daddy since he's your Daddy.
EM: That's a little ... delayed.
BC: Better late than never!
EM: Now ... about me looking very pretty today ...
MK: {from the other room} It's once ... twice ... three times a fishy!
BC: Uh oh. Don't tell her where I am.
MK: 🎶 BEAR! 🎶
EM: Bear?! BEAR?!?
MK: Where is he?
EM: Err ... I don't know! He was here just a minute ago. He said I'm looking very pretty today.
MK: And how many times has he told you the truth?
EM: He's under the bed.
BC: RATS!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.


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As we discussed in our last post, Momma searches for her sense of humor, Momma's struggling a bit. We've taking the week off. Ellie is certain she can find Momma's sense of humor under the couch with her sparkle balls. We'll let you know when we catch up with everyone next week!











© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.
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Momma's note: With Bear's pancreatitis and everything else stressing me out, my imaginary friend isn't speaking to me at the moment: hence, no humor. Of course, it doesn't help that the Cat Writer's Association Communication Contest results are in with no recognition for our humor; I'm taking that pretty hard. We did however, earn three certificates of excellence for these articles: Feline instincts, Do cats need human interaction or are they completely fine on their own? and The importance of veterinary care for cats and why they're not getting it. To review all the honors and find other amazing writing from my colleagues: CERTIFICATE OF EXCELLENCE WINNERS, Cat Writers Communications Contest covering calendar year 2018. Already demoralized because of the Contest results, I've learned the last two weeks that it's truly a meal by meal battle with Bear's pancreatitis and just because Bear eats healthfully one meal doesn't mean that he's over some magical hump. While I  try to remember how to laugh, we're posting our two March Chewy reviews today in pictures. Per Chewy's rules, they will be separate posts. We found out the #ChewyInfluencer program is ending, so these reviews will be the last Chewy reviews we do for awhile. Thank you to Chewy for treating us like family!

To read the other review posted today: Momma searches for her sense of humor #ChewyInfluencer.

BC: Bear Cat Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
MK: Momma Kat

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disclosure: We received CANIDAE Adore Tuna, Chicken & Whitefish in Broth Canned Cat Food, 2.46-oz, case of 24 for free in exchange for an honest review. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat only shares information we believe would be of interest to our readers. The content is ours - neither Canidae nor Chewy are responsible for the contents of this post. #ChewyInfluencer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EM: So what's our second Chewy food for March?
BC: Phht. She probably got litter or carpet cleaner.
EM: You can't eat litter or carp ...
{Pause}
EM: Oh.
BC: How do I manage?

EM: YOU eat litter and carpet cleaner?
BC: NO! I manage to live with the village idiot.
EM: Don't say that about my Daddy! Ooh! I bet this bed in the second item of the month! This is great!
BC: That's the packing slip.

EM: Whatever you call it.
BC: It's a piece of paper!
EM: I like to sit on paper.

MK: No. Our second item to review is Canidae Adore Shreds with tuna, chicken, and whitefish in broth.

EM: I'm busy!
BC: THAT'S JUST A RANDOM PIECE OF PAPER! She said TUNA!
EM: HEY! Don't insult my new friend like ...

{Pause}
EM: Don't worry! You're not just a piece of paper! You can be anything you want to be!
{Pause}
EM: Wait ... TUNA?

MK: Are you two ready to try it?
EM: YAY!
BC: Eh.
MK: Some more information for our readers ...

{Pause}
MK: Okay. Plate it up.

{Pause}
MK: Here you go, Bear.
BC: Nope.

MK: Come on! At least sniff it!
BC: Nope.
MK: BEAR!
BC: MOMMA!
MK: Try it!
BC: If it's so good, YOU eat it!
MK: Please?
BC: Nope.
MK: Doesn't it smell good?
BC: Nope.
EM: YUM! This is good!

{Pause}
BC: Did we get the same stuff?
EM: I'll share with you!
BC: {sniffing} Nope.
{Pause}
EM: MMM ... mmm ... hmm mmm ... hmm mmm ... hmm. 
BC: SHOW OFF!
MK: Chewy is easy to love: they have a wide selection of QUALITY pet products, freshness is guaranteed, and they offer fast shipping and easy returns on all orders. With orders over $49, one to two day shipping is FREE! After hearing so many bloggers talk about Chewy's fast shipping, I was eager to see the difference for myself ... and sure enough! FAST! Much faster than any other seller I've encountered. Though my favorite part is 24/7 customer service. How many times have I been up late at night shopping for cat supplies, had a question, but couldn't ask it because chat wasn't available?

Interested in trying CANIDAE Adore Tuna, Chicken & Whitefish in Broth Canned Cat Food? Go visit Chewy and order a case for your favorite feline!

Wonder what we've thought about the other products we've reviewed as part of the Influencer program? To find our past reviews you may follow this tag: #ChewyInfluencer.


© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.
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    Momma's note: With Bear's pancreatitis and everything else stressing me out, my imaginary friend isn't speaking to me at the moment: hence, no humor. Of course, it doesn't help that the Cat Writer's Association Communication Contest results are in with no recognition for our humor; I'm taking that pretty hard. We did however, earn three certificates of excellence for these articles: Feline instinctsDo cats need human interaction or are they completely fine on their own? and The importance of veterinary care for cats and why they're not getting it. To review all the honors and find other amazing writing from my colleagues: CERTIFICATE OF EXCELLENCE WINNERS, Cat Writers Communications Contest covering calendar year 2018. Already demoralized because of the Contest results, I've learned the last two weeks that it's truly a meal by meal battle with Bear's pancreatitis and just because Bear eats healthfully one meal doesn't mean that he's over some magical hump. While I  try to remember how to laugh, we're posting our two March Chewy reviews today - mainly in pictures. Per Chewy's rules, they will be separate posts. We found out the #ChewyInfluencer program is ending, so these reviews will be the last Chewy reviews we do for awhile. Thank you to Chewy for treating us like family!

    To read the other review posted today: Momma searches for her sense of humor, part 2 #ChewyInfluencer.

    BC: Bear Cat Kat
    EM: Ellie Mae Kat
    MK: Momma Kat

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Disclosure: We received Wellness Healthy Indulgence Gravies Grain-Free Variety Pack Cat Food Pouches, 3-oz, case of 32 for free in exchange for an honest review. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat only shares information we believe would be of interest to our readers. The content is ours - neither Wellness nor Chewy are responsible for the contents of this post. #ChewyInfluencer

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    MK: We got our Chewy items to review for March.
    BC: Eh. Whatever.
    EM: Is it food? Did we get food? What kind of food? Where's the food? Because I like food. I like food a lot. I can eat a lot of food. Food food food! The only thing better than food is tuna.
    BC: Umm ... tuna IS food.
    EM: Oh, yeah. Haha. I got a little too excited.
    BC: What about laps and sparkle balls?
    EM: WHERE?!
    BC: No. Aren't laps and sparkle balls better than food?
    EM: That was a mean trick!
    BC: Trick? What trick?
    EM: You made me think there were a bunch of sparkle balls and laps!
    BC: I'll make you ...
    MK: Bear!
    BC: Nuts.
    MK: We got Wellness Gravies.

    EM: GRAVY?
    BC: HELLO!
    {Pause}
    BC: Wait ... Wellness? Maybe you forgot I don't eat brands of wet food that start with W.
    MK: Gravy?
    EM: YAY!
    BC: Is it made by a brand that begins with a "W?"
    MK: Err ...
    BC: Nope.
    MK: You don't even want to sniff ...
    BC: NOPE.
    EM: Oh! Oh! I'll try it! I'll try it!
    BC: I'd be more surprised if you didn't eat.

    EM: I'm just trying to help Momma here!
    BC: Where's the Chewy box? Sit in the Chewy box and be VERY quiet and you'll help me.
    EM: But the food is out here!
    BC: Take your food plate in the box with you!
    EM: Okay.
    MK: No way! Bear, leave your sister alone.
    BC: Why? She can't leave ME alone EVER! I don't ever hear you tell her to leave ME alone!
    EM: I hear her doing that all the time!
    BC: Err ... did I mention that I don't listen to Momma?
    MK: That's obvious. Okay. Let's try the gravy-laden goodness.

    BC: Nope. 
    MK: Just sniff it!
    BC: No.
    MK: But I already plated ...
    BC: Nope.
    MK: {sigh} Fine. Here you go, Ellie.

    MK: Just a few tidbits for our readers about Wellness Gravies ...

    EM: MMM! MMM! This is good!
    BC: GET A ROOM!

    EM: Oh! I LOVE this gravy!

    {Pause}
    EM: Umm ... Momma? While you're up can you give me Bear's plate?

    MK: Chewy is easy to love: they have a wide selection of QUALITY pet products, freshness is guaranteed, and they offer fast shipping and easy returns on all orders. With orders over $49, one to two day shipping is FREE! After hearing so many bloggers talk about Chewy's fast shipping, I was eager to see the difference for myself ... and sure enough! FAST! Much faster than any other seller I've encountered. Though my favorite part is 24/7 customer service. How many times have I been up late at night shopping for cat supplies, had a question, but couldn't ask it because chat wasn't available?

    Interested in trying Wellness Healthy Indulgence Gravies Grain-Free Variety Pack Cat Food Pouches, 3-oz, case of 32? Go visit Chewy and order a variety pack for your favorite feline!

    Wonder what we've thought about the other products we've reviewed as part of the Influencer program? To find our past reviews you may follow this tag: #ChewyInfluencer.

    © 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
    All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.
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    Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and perpetrating crimes exacerbated by proximity and amount of time spent together. This series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household.

    You may find the first installment of the Crimes and Misdemeanors series here: Crimes and Misdemeanors.
    The second episode may be found here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 2.
    And the third episode in the series may be found here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 3.
    The fourth episode may be read here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 4.
    You may find the fifth installment of the Crimes and Misdemeanors series here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 5.
    The sixth episode may be read here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 6.
    Part seven may be found here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 7.

    This part of the Crimes and Misdemeanors series focuses on pictures! Momma takes so many pictures, she could post these seven days a week and not run out! Enjoy life in our household. Which one is your favorite? Do you agree that a picture is worth a thousand words?



























































    © 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
    All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.

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    In our last post, Bear's cat rapping show hits the road, Bear's not feeling well and Momma decides to take him to the vet. While at the vet, Bear puts on a first class show for the veterinarian and vet tech. They aren't sure about an encore from the crapper (cat rapper) - but Bear won't be denied. The post ended with Momma leaving Bear at the vet's office for an hour - for what Bear thought was a private show - but what ended up being blood tests and an x-ray. In this post, we find out what's wrong fantastic about Bear and what Momma needs to do about it.

    BC: Bear Cat Kat
    MK: Momma Kat
    EM: Ellie Mae Kat
    Vet tech/Veterinarian
    The Boy: Momma's fiance

    BC: HELP! Call the police! HELP! Call a lawyer! HELP! I'm going to tell my Momma what you did! I'm about to be dog snax! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! 
    MK: {running through the front door after hearing Bear from outside} Has he been doing that for the last hour?
    Vet tech: No. It started with him meowing about crapping ... so we put him in a litter box ... that's now all over the floor ...
    BC: HELP! HELP! The aliens got me! If you stick me again with that needle, I'm going to shove it so far up your business that it'll never be found!
    Vet tech: Then he started talking about "Tees" and pulled out a baseball cap.
    BC: This is the LAST TIME I give you all a FREE private show! The ...
    MK: Bear?
    BC: Momma? They beamed you up too?
    MK: Umm ...
    BC: What would they want YOU for? I don't feel so special if they're letting the peasants in here now.
    MK: Great. I heard you've been ... interesting.
    BC: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP LOOKING AT ME AND SAYING "INTERESTING?"
    MK: {sigh}.
    BC: They said they wanted a private crap show! They kept me here under false pretenses! And by the way, it's 'Ties! As in TORTIES. Not tees! Like the shirt! Moron!

    MK: Bear, the vet never said anything about a private show ... but he did mention blood tests and an x-ray.
    BC: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT'S NOT A EUPHEMISM?! I thought they wanted a private show! 
    MK: Oh, Bear.
    BC: Phht. BLOOD TEST. I gave THEM a blood test! Hahaha. THEIRS. They donated more blood than I did.
    MK: I know how that goes.
    BC: Then they put me in solitary!
    MK: Were you antagonizing the dogs again from the safety of inside your carrier?
    BC: Err ... no?
    {Pause}
    BC: THEY STARTED IT!
    MK: What did they do to you?
    BC: ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION? They tested my blood and ...
    MK: NO! What did the dogs do to you?
    BC: They're here! And they tried to drown out my crap.
    MK: {snickering} And here I thought they ate it.
    BC: WHAT?!
    MK: Crap ... dogs eat ... 
    {Pause}
    MK: Never mind.
    BC: Do I get out early for good behavior?
    Vet tech: Take him! PLEASE?!?
    BC: YEAH! Take me home!

    MK: Don't we have to talk to the vet first?
    {A person with two cats walks in}
    BC: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNN! They'll kill you! And they'll make it painful! Save yourself while you still can! HELP! HELP! Pussies united! 
    Vet tech: HUH?
    MK: He means PUSSY CATS united.
    Vet tech: I'll put you two in an exam room until the veterinarian is ready to talk to you.
    BC: {whispering} PSST! Momma! Now's our chance! Let's make a run for it!
    MK: Bear, I need to talk to the vet!
    BC: FINE! Shove me back in the carrier and make a run for it!
    Vet: {walking into the room} It's not bad news.
    BC: RATS!
    Vet: You wanted bad news?
    BC: NO! I wanted to get out of here!
    Vet: In just a minute ...
    BC: THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID AN HOUR AGO!
    Vet: Interesting.
    BC: INTERESTING? Why does everyone keep saying that? I mean, I could understand if you were talking about my stupid sister - that'd be a nice way of saying she's a ...
    {Pause}
    BC: WAIT A MINUTE! That's a nice way of saying that I'm ...

    MK: So what did you find?
    BC: Some lint ... a mousie ...
    MK: NO! Not you! The vet!
    BC: I don't have to find the vet. He's right here! I told him to go to hell ... but just like all humans, he doesn't listen.
    Vet: Interesting.
    BC: Stop saying that or I'll ensure hell's where you end up.
    MK: BEAR!
    Vet: The x-ray was clear and the blood tests were normal - except for the pancreas screen. He has pancreatitis. 
    BC: THAT'S NOT A NICE THING TO CALL MY MOMMA!
    MK: Oh.
    Vet: It's okay. It's not bad news - relax. He'll be fine. We'll give him a shot of Covenia as an antibiotic and Cerenia for the nausea - those should last two weeks.
    MK: Okay.
    Vet: You look like your puppy was run over.
    BC: PUPPY?! Momma has a puppy?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? And where are you hiding him? I thought The Boy was bad! You've never heard, "Who let the dogs in. WHO? WHO? WHO?"
    Vet: Inter ... err ... I suggest we try to manage Bear's pancreatitis with diet changes. We have XXX food here that should be easier for him to digest. 
    BC: I'm onto you, vet! This is DIET food! You're tricking me again! I won't go for it! No way. No how. NOT eating this food. Especially not after the crack about me not missing any meals.

    MK: Err ... my cats have tried that ... and they wouldn't eat it.
    Vet: You can always return it if they won't eat it.
    MK: And this diet change will be enough to fix the problem?
    BC: PHHT. Some things can't be fixed. Like The Boy. Or my sister ...
    MK: And you're sure this will work? What do I need to look for in terms of him needing vet care? What might I look for to take him to the emergency vet?
    BC: WHAT?!? There's a vet that's a vet only in emergencies? What is he the rest of the time? And why would you take me to a vet that's only a vet in emerg ...
    {Pause}
    BC: ARE YOU A REAL VET?
    Vet: Yes!
    BC: Are you sure?
    Vet: YES!!
    BC: Where did you go to vet school? When did you graduate? How do I know you're qualified?
    Vet: Interesting.
    MK: Thank you. I'll take him home now.
    BC: The Boy and my stupid sister say that my Momma's an enabler. Phht. I dare a person to NOT enable me! Still, I don't know what she enables because all I hear is a bunch of NO! And I'm grounded for the rest of my nine lives. How's that fair?
    Vet: {under his breath} Finally. Peace and quiet again.
    BC: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
    Vet: Nothing!
    {Pause}
    Vet: {as he walks away} Interesting.
    Vet tech: That will be $XXX.XX. 
    BC: WHAT?!? I could buy a tasty whole chicken farm with that money! Or a tank! Or BOTH! This is highway robbery! Well, without the highway.

    MK: SHHHH! You had two shots, several blood tests, and an x-ray.
    BC: IF YOU HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY, WHY DON'T I HAVE A FERRARI? 
    MK: You saved my life. You're worth it.
    BC: Oh. I get it! I'm worth blood tests and an x-ray - but a tank is too much? And you leave me here? With these vampires?! If I lost my soul, it's all your fault!
    {Momma and Bear continue to discuss this on the car ride home}
    {As Momma walks in, The Boy is on the phone. She lets Bear out and then goes back to the car to carry in the rest of the goods}
    The Boy: {running out the front door to find Momma} Oh, my gosh! Where's Bear? He's not in the carrier! Did they keep him overnight? What's wrong? He's not ... GONE is he?
    BC: {sitting around the corner} This is the perfect opportunity ... they're both outside ... without keys ...
    {Pause}
    BC: Nah. I'd be stuck with Smellie. That's a whole new kind of torture.
    EM: What's going on? I heard my name! And why do you smell like ... like ... the vet?

    MK: {coming back inside} I set him down when I came in and opened the carrier.
    The Boy: Oh. So he's here?
    BC: I could say it's good to see you ... but I'm not so I won't. Dumb-nuts.
    The Boy: Hi, BuddyBear.
    BC: Go away.
    MK: BEAR!
    The Boy: So what's going on?
    MK: Bear has pancreatitis.
    EM: Pan-cre-a-teen-us? Pank-rea-titties?
    BC: PANCREATITIS!
    EM: {GASP} Is it contagious?
    BC: You mean like the WORMS you gave me?
    EM: You never had worms!
    BC: Close enough.
    EM: I'm pretty sure you either have worms or you don't.
    MK: Don't worry, Ellie. It's not contagious.
    BC: RATS!
    MK: BEAR! That's not very nice! You wouldn't want your sister to be sick too, would you?
    BC: I don't want a sister. PERIOD.
    The Boy: So how do we treat it?
    BC: WE don't do anything.
    MK: We got new food.
    EM: Is it diet? Because it's just like a Momma to trick us.

    BC: HA! I told you!
    MK: It's not diet food!
    EM: It says "Diet" right here on the package!
    BC: {GASP} You lied!
    MK: NO! That's part of the brand name.
    BC: Why would anyone name their brand "diet?"
    EM: It'd be like calling a brand idiot.
    BC: I just call her Smellie.
    EM: Oh, shut up!
    BC: You shut up! I just had the most harrowing and demeaning experience of my life! I deserve some sympathy. Momma left me at the vet's for an hour!
    EM: Let me guess ... until they called Momma and begged her to come back to get you?
    BC: WHAT?! NO! If anyone should've been worried, it's them! That carrier wouldn't protect them.
    EM: You annoyed them until they kicked you out?
    BC: NO!
    {Pause}
    BC: YES! I'm just that much of a bad-@$$. You have to be pretty bad-@$$ to be kicked out of prison. OH! A new song idea about my time in the slammer! Bye. Hold my calls. I'm busy.
    EM: I'M NOT YOUR SECRETARY!
    BC: Well, you should be good for something!
    EM: {under her breath} Yeah. To kick your dumb @$$ ...

    © 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
    All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.


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    Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat by Momma Kat And Her Bear Cat - 1M ago
    Bear's not feeling well and Momma makes the decision to take him to the vet. After the drama of Momma's decision plays out, Bear puts on a class AAA show for the veterinarian and vet tech. They aren't sure about an encore from the crapper (cat rapper) - but Bear won't be denied.

    BC: Bear Cat Kat
    MK: Momma Kat
    EM: Ellie Mae Kat
    Vet tech/Veterinarian

    BC: {seeing Momma walking toward him} Wait a ... I know that look!
    {Pause}
    BC: So help me ... if you brought another boy or another cat into this house, I'll quit! I mean, there's a lot of you to love and give love - but that's wearing a bit thin - even for YOUR doughnut butt.
    MK: Come on, Bear.
    BC: Wait a ... RATS! Wrong interpretation! BYE!
    {Pause}
    BC: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNN! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! You'll never catch me alive!
    EM: What's going on?
    BC: We're going to the vet!
    EM Oh, no!
    MK: BEAR'S going to the vet. Ellie is not.
    BC: DISCRIMINATION! You'll hear from my lawyer.
    EM: Ummm ... Bear?
    BC: WHAT?
    EM: You don't have a lawyer. Remember? You fired her. 

    BC: RATS! She was stupid anyway. She told me I couldn't sue ...
    MK: Got you.
    BC: Hi, Momma.
    MK: Time to get you in the carrier.
    BC: Do you enjoy this? Being locked up improves my street cred though. Can you maybe take a few pictures of my incarceration? And tell people that I resisted arrest? Give me freedom or give me ... 
    EM: A lawyer?
    MK: Come on, Bear.
    BC: I'm being locked up for my bad-@$$ ways! Tabby cat lives matter.
    EM: ALL cat lives matter.
    BC: For once in your life ... SHUT UP! It's discrimination! You just can't handle my awesome ...
    EM: Is that what they're calling it these days?
    BC: ... So I'm being locked up!
    EM: Maybe Momma will throw away the key.
    BC: Stop heckling me, tweedle dumb! I'm standing up for my rights against ... against ... wrongful imprisonment!
    MK: Okay. Let's tone down the drama.
    BC: I have rights! Freedom of speech! Freedom of religion! The right to bear arms!
    EM: I don't think Momma's denying you arms. You still have them.

    BC: I have the right against unreasonable searches and seizures, against double jeopardy and self-incrimination, against cruel and unusual punishment, and a right to a speedy and fair trial.
    EM: You want a speedy trial? GUILTY!
    BC: You impinge upon my right against cruel and unusual punishment! You're  ... you're ...
    MK: Ellie, that's enough.
    BC: HA!
    MK: Bear, you know you haven't been feeling like yourself recently.
    EM: Phht. Who's he feeling like then?
    BC: SEE?!?! Cruel and unusual punishment!
    EM: Freedom of speech!
    BC: Get within arm's length of me, and I'll take care of ...
    EM: Arm's length ... does that include the right to bear arms?
    MK: Bear, you haven't been eating your wet food treat - which used to be your favorite. I remember a time where you'd throw such a fit when I didn't give you a treat right on time. You're not eating your favorites. I'm worried about you. ESPECIALLY since you're vomiting five out of seven days.
    BC: Have you met my sister?
    EM: YEAH! And you've barfed on my scratchers too!
    BC: I'm not sorry.
    MK: It's time to get you checked out and see if we can find why you've been having these problems.
    BC: Phht.

    MK: You know, back when Kitty started feeling bad, I talked myself out of taking her in. I found a way to rationalize that she was fine and in the end I think it cost her life. I'm erring on the side of caution and not rationalizing this away. Something good has to come of the mistakes I made with Kitty.
    BC: Ummm ... having you to myself? Me and you against the world? And now you're BETRAYING me?! What's wrong with you!? Have you ever thought that I might be vomiting so much as a form of feedback?
    MK: I worry about you all the time now. I just want you to eat and not vomit.
    BC: Phht. Worry about my sister. Or The Boy. Bad things tend to happen to idiots.
    EM: Says the cat trapped in a carrier.
    BC: I have rights you know! I'm not going willingly! I ...
    {Ellie snickers}
    BC: Momma! I knocked the carrier over! HELP!
    MK: If you didn't rock the carrier from side to side by bunny kicking all over the carrier, you wouldn't have this problem.
    BC: Po po brutality! Cruel and unusual ...
    {Momma sets the carrier upright}
    BC: Thanks, Momma. I still feel like a piece of popcorn bouncing off everything.
    EM: Then stop bouncing off everything!
    BC: @&*% this stupid ^@#!
    EM: Hahahahahaha. Momma! He knocked the carrier over again!
    MK: Okay. Time to go.
    BC: GO? Go where?! I thought I was being unjustly imprisoned!
    EM: The vet. Remember? Momma's worried about you?
    BC: Over my dead body! I protest! I have rights! HELP! I'm being kitty ...
    {The front door closes}
    EM: {looking around} Peace and quiet. FINALLY. Now I can hear myself think. Now what do I think about?
    {Pause}
    EM: Thinking is harder than I thought.

    {Twenty minutes pass and Momma walks into the vet with Bear in his carrier}
    BC: I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! THIS IS IMMORAL AND UNETHICAL AND I'M NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS! HELP! HELP! THIS WOMAN TOOK ME!
    MK: And people wonder why I dread taking my cats to the vet. The twenty minute drive is nearly unbearable.
    {Pause}
    MK: No pun intended. Hahahaha. Un-BEAR-able.
    BC: Ha. Ha. Ha. How nice to have fun at my expense!
    MK: Bear Cat Kat for ...
    Vet tech: He kind of announces himself. Hahaha.
    BC: Very funny. I DARE you to be the one who takes me out of my carrier!
    MK: BEAR!
    Vet tech: So what's wrong with him?
    BC: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? What's wrong with YOU!? I'm perfect! And I have handsome stripe-y pants!
    Vet tech: You're wearing pants?
    BC: You and my sister were separated at birth.
    Vet tech: Seriously. We need to take your pants off.
    BC: Keep your hands out of my pants!
    MK: He's not eating his wet food treat when that used to be his favorite part of the day. And he's vomiting more often than not.
    Vet tech: {picking Bear up to weigh him} Oh! He's a big boy!
    BC: Just remember that next time you get the designs on sticking that thermometer anywhere.

    Vet tech: Okay, XX pounds and XX ounces. The vet will be in in a moment.
    MK: Here we are. How about I hide you?
    BC: WHAT?! You bring me here and then offer to HIDE me? What kind of messed up nonsense is this? You think I'll go Stockholm on your behind?
    MK: I love you too.
    BC: Oh, no. Don't start that.
    MK: I'll wrap my arms around the carrier and put my body over the opening.
    BC: I'm at the vet! And the carrier won't protect him!
    MK: No, I mean, I thought you'd feel more secure ...
    BC: If I were more secure, I'd be in prison!
    MK: I love you, Bear.
    BC: Oh, NO! NONONONONONONONONO. NO CRYING! How embarrassing! My Momma gets all weepy and protective and I look like ... like ...
    MK: A loved boy?
    BC: HEY! I'm a loved MAN! No BOY here.
    The vet: {walking into the room} Who do we have here?
    BC: The quack daddy!
    The vet: Wait a minute ... this says Bear Cat.
    BC: Would you like me to crap for you?
    The vet: Ummm ...
    MK: He means perform a cat rap ... or crap.
    The vet: Creative.
    BC: I'm armed. So don't get up in my grill, yo ... and you won't be harmed.

    The vet: Interesting.
    BC: When my Momma says that, she's usually amused by me.
    The vet: How very ... creative.
    BC: I HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, yo!
    The vet: {looking at the chart} He's DEFINITELY not missing any meals.
    BC: You're DEFINITELY an idiot! Momma brought me here to get insulted? I'd be careful about what you say or you won't have any patients left!
    {The vet tech giggles}
    BC: What's so funny? Have you seen my Momma? I don't hear HER doctor saying she doesn't miss any meals! I'll go on a diet when she does.
    Vet tech: He's a character all right.
    BC: And you're dumber than my sister - which is saying a lot - believe me. 
    {Pause}
    BC: Wait a minute ... if I have multiple personalities, each would have it's own weight, right? So my XX pounds and XX ounces is actually the combination of like six cats!
    The vet: That's not quite how it works.
    Vet tech: What a handsome ...
    BC: HEY! You'd better respect me in the morning!
    The vet: Temperature's good. Let's listen ...
    BC: THIS IS JUST LIKE PRISON where things find their ways up where they don't belong!
    The vet: Can you leave him with us for an hour?
    BC: HUH?
    MK: Ummm ...
    BC: What are you going to do to me? MOMMA! Don't leave me!
    The vet: We're just going to run some tests. 
    BC: TESTS?!? No one said anything about tests! I didn't study!

    {Pause}
    BC: {GASP!} 
    {Pause}
    BC: YOU WANT TO USE ME AS A GUINEA PIG! 
    {Pause}
    BC: I don't think so. Use my sister! She's actually a pig! And too dumb to know when her intellect ...
    {Pause}
    BC: RATS! Never mind. If you try to mine her intellect, you'll be lucky to get a penny's worth. 
    {Pause}
    BC: This doesn't involve aliens or an alien craft?
    {Pause}
    BC: NO! You just want a private crapping show! I'm putting down what you're ... err ... I mean I'm picking up what you're putting down. I can give you my greatest hits.
    The vet: Maybe come back in forty-five minutes?
    BC: Phht. I can't do my greatest hits in forty-five minutes. Make that two hours. I'll give you the highlights.
    MK: Ummm ... can't I just wait?
    The vet: We're just going to run some tests. Take an x-ray. Blood tests. It'll take a while.
    BC: Bye, MOMMA!
    MK: What?
    BC: {winking at the vet} Blood tests and x-rays.
    The vet: Maybe we'll check his eyes too. See if something got in there.
    MK: Bear?
    BC: Bye! I'm going to give them the crapping show of their lives!
    MK: Okay. I'll be back in a little while.

    Part 2 of the post will be shared on Friday. Bear's talks about what really happened at the vet's while Momma was gone ... and we get a diagnosis. Stay tuned!

    © 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
    All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.


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    Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat by Momma Kat And Her Bear Cat - 1M ago
    Bear's back to telling his sister lies - but it doesn't exactly go as he planned. And The Boy's in trouble; what did he do this time?

    BC: Bear Cat Kat
    EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
    MK: Momma Kat 
    The Boy: Momma's fiance

    BC: PSST!
    EM: {looking around} Me?
    BC: PSST! YOU!
    EM: Is this some kind of trick? Are you going to fart on me when I get close to you? Or are you going to whap me?
    BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHH! You make me sound mean! I don't remember ...
    {Pause}
    BC: Oh. Yeah.
    EM: You want to share a secret with me?
    BC: YES!
    EM: Really? We'll share a secret? Like best friends?
    BC: That's going a little far. I have a secret. Well, actually, it's not my secret - but I thought you'd like to know.
    EM: Daddy's leaving?
    BC: He is?
    EM: No. I was just wondering if that was the secret.
    BC: RATS!
    EM: Momma's pregnant?
    BC: SHE IS? And she got us fixed so that wouldn't happen to us!
    EM: I was broken?

    BC: Will you stop talking? I can't tell you the secret if you keep trying to guess it.
    EM: Okay.
    {Pause}
    EM: They're getting us a sister! OH! This is the best day ever! I'll have a best friend and we'll braid each others' fur and talk about boys and have private jokes and make fun of you and she'll take my side when you want to fight ...
    BC: What did I JUST say?
    EM: I'M GETTING A SISTER!
    BC: That's not the secret!
    EM: Not YOUR secret. I AM getting a sister though?
    BC: Women. Just like Momma, this one never shuts up. NO! You're NOT getting a sister!
    EM: Oh. And I was so excited! 
    BC: Do you know where Momma and The Boy saved you from?
    EM: I'm not falling for this! You already told me they got me from the circus freak show! That was a mean trick!
    BC: No. See ...
    EM: And you already told me they stole me from a dolphin show. Did you think I'd forget that I'm not a dolphin after that swim in the toilet? I HATE WATER! I'm not believing another thing you say!
    BC: Well, you don't exactly make sense as a cat either ... and you are a woman ... making sense doesn't even occur to you. Or at least that's what The Boy says.

    EM: He does not!
    BC: Ask him!
    EM: Oh, shut up!
    BC: Really? You don't want to know the secret?
    EM: Is it a real secret? Not something you made up?
    BC: It's the truth! I've learned the error of my ways.
    EM: Okay.
    BC: Momma and The Boy rescued you from a Kit Cat factory.
    EM: A WHAT?
    BC: See, every year, all the reject cats get sent to a factory to make kits of the cats.
    EM: It's true! I heard Momma and The Boy talking about Kit Cats! Daddy asked Momma if he could have her Kit Cats! So that's not a you-femism for something else? There really are Kit Cats?
    BC: EUPHEMISM. And no. Momma and The Boy saved you at just the last moment! 
    EM: That's scary!
    BC: The Boy wanted another cat ... one that looked like me ... but you know, Momma's the boss and everything.
    EM: Daddy didn't want me? Aww. I wasn't his first choice!
    BC: I figured you'd be used to it by now.
    EM: WHAT?! That's mean! Just kick a girl while she's down.

    BC: Okay.
    EM: OWW! What'd you kick me for?
    {Pause}
    EM: Wait a ... does this mean I'm adopted?
    BC: Ummm ... YEAH!
    EM: So Momma's not my real Mom and The Boy isn't my real Dad?
    BC: You're a smart one.
    EM: But I thought I had the family resemblance!
    BC: Sorry. But you know what that means, right?
    EM: I'M AN ORPHAN!
    BC: Oh, yeah. That too.
    EM: This is a disaster! I don't know who my real parents are and my entire life has been a lie!
    BC: When Momma or The Boy tell you not to do something, you can argue with them and tell them they're not your real parents!
    EM: But I don't get in trouble!
    BC: It's never too late.
    EM: I could never do any of the things you do. 
    BC: We could be partners in crime!
    EM: Is that like friends?
    BC: It means we have fun together. 
    EM: Fun? That sounds harmless.
    BC: And conspire together ...
    EM: Like private jokes?
    BC: I dare you! Go whap that glass off the table. I swear! I won't tell on you!

    EM: I'm not falling for THAT again! Last time you said that, I knocked the glass over and I got wet! I HATE water! AND you told on me.
    BC: I already used that one on you?
    EM: I'm a NICE cat.
    BC: That would explain how you got in the reject pile on your way to the Kit Cat factory.
    EM: I'm going to give Daddy a piece of my mind!
    BC: That's all you have left, right? Don't spend it all in one place.
    EM: They ... umm ... I'M ADOPTED and they let me think otherwise!
    BC: To be honest, you're just too stupid to figure the obvious.
    EM: {GASP} SHUT UP! You're not my real brother!
    BC: Touche.
    EM: What do you mean TOO shay? I'm not too shay! You're too shay!
    BC: These conversations are just ... painful.
    {Momma and The Boy walk into the room}
    MK: I got more Kit Kats.
    The Boy: You know I'll eat them!
    EM: HUH?
    {Pause}
    EM: I'll ... I ... YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT ... YOU BOTH SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!

    MK: What'd we do?
    EM: As if you don't know!
    MK: Do you know what she's talking about?
    The Boy: No.
    EM: I'm too mad to talk to you! HMPH!
    BC: Phht. Women. So emotional.
    MK: So you didn't "help" this emotional outburst?
    BC: NO! I have no idea what's wrong! Women are cray-cray. Just going off for no reason!
    The Boy: Ain't THAT the truth!
    MK: EXCUSE ME?
    The Boy: Err ... I meant other females.
    EM: WHAT?!
    The Boy: And not you either, Ellie.
    MK: BEAR! I know you had something to do with this! Why's your sister upset?
    BC: So much for Momma not being cray-cray and just going off.
    {The Boy chuckles}
    MK: Do you find this funny?
    The Boy: Err ... no. Not really.
    MK: You're encouraging him!
    BC: Encourage me! Encourage me!
    The Boy: BEAR! Go to your shelf!
    BC: You're not my real father!
    EM: You're adopted too?
    BC: SHH! Stay out of this.
    EM: PSST! Does it ever work?
    MK: Bear, you're in big trouble!
    EM: Guess not.
    BC: What? I didn't do anything! I'm on my shelf!

    MK: Why is Ellie upset?
    BC: Like I know. WOMEN.
    {The Boy chuckles}
    MK: {turning to The Boy} Oh, REALLY?
    The Boy: Err ... I'm going to get the mail.
    MK: Ellie, what did Bear tell you?
    EM: It's too ... too ... traumatic to even speak of!
    MK: BEAR!
    BC: Why do I get blamed for everything?
    {Silence}
    BC: Oh, yeah. Right.
    MK: Did he tell you we rescued you from a curtain factory again?
    EM: I forgot about that one!
    MK: Furniture factory? Rug factory?
    EM: Wait a minute ... YOU LIED TO ME! AGAIN!

    BC: It's not my fault you keep falling for what I'm selling. I've missed my calling. If I were a salesperson, I'd be rich and have a chain of tasty whole chicken farms! Maybe a bazooka ... a tank ... a castle ... you know, the good life.
    MK: As if you don't have a good life now?
    BC: Ask The Boy! He's the one that used the "back when I had a good life ..."
    MK: Yeah. I'm still mad at him for that.
    The Boy: HUH?
    BC: Steel trap that one.
    The Boy: Women are just one big steel trap.
    MK: You do realize you're not helping?
    BC: Phht. He's a not-the-Momma. He's not supposed to help. He's supposed to sit around and tell you what to do and tell you when to get back in the kitchen.
    MK: {toward The Boy} WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING HIM?
    BC: He also said women should be seen and not heard.
    The Boy: Now, wait a minute ...
    MK: NO KIT KATS FOR YOU!
    The Boy: I was kidding!  
    MK: I'm not.
    The Boy: I think I forgot some of the mail in the box.
    EM: Don't get any ideas! I'm not going back to the Kit Cat factory!
    MK: So that's what he told you.
    BC: No ...
    {Pause}
    BC: Maybe?
    MK: BEAR!
    BC: Does this mean I'm grounded? Because that could add to my street cred.
    MK: Ellie, don't believe ANYTHING Bear says. NOT ONE THING.
    BC: I'm going to beat her up.
    EM: Err ...
    MK: Well, except for that. 
    EM: He might try ...
    BC: Phht. You're a GIRL! I'm not scared of you!
    MK: BEAR!
    BC: But I AM scared of you.
    MK: That's what I thought.
    EM: YEAH! Take THAT!

    BC: I'm a Momma's boy! I think you should really be mad at The Boy. You know, he told ME a secret and if you're a nice Momma I'll tell you what it was!
    EM: Momma, you told me not to a believe a word Bear says!
    MK: Tell me the secret!
    {Whispering ... until The Boy walks in and Momma and the two cats are staring at him}
    The Boy: Err ... I must have the wrong house. I'll just ...
    EM: Bear told Momma your secret!
    The Boy: Secret? What secret?
    BC: Did you hear that, Momma? WHAT secret! Like he has more than one!
    The Boy: Now wait a ...
    BC: Don't let the door hit you on the ... GET HIM, MOMMA! Tell him who's boss.
    EM: It's pretty evil, Daddy. How could you?
    The Boy: I don't even know what's going on!
    BC: Because THAT'S new.
    {Silence as Momma and the two cats stare at The Boy}
    The Boy: WHAT?! What did I do?
    BC: Pack your bags, dumbnuts. BYE!
    The Boy: Kat? What's he talking about?
    MK: Oh, he lied to me and told me some nonsense about what you do while I'm not home.
    BC: WHAT?!?! You KNEW I lied?!?! And you pretended otherwise?
    EM: It's not my fault you fall for what she's selling.

    BC: WHAT?!?! I was being PUNKED?!
    The Boy: So ... umm ... you're NOT mad at me?
    {Silence}
    The Boy: Ellie? Kat?
    {More silence}
    The Boy: So you don't believe what Bear said, right?
    {Even more silence}
    The Boy: HELLO?!?!
    BC: I guess it's just you and me.
    The Boy: Uh oh.
    BC: So what exactly are your intentions with my Momma?
    The Boy: Err ... well ... 
    BC: YOU'RE FIRED!
    The Boy: I'm pretty sure it's not up to ...
    BC: MOMMA! The Boy's being mean to me! He told me I was fired!
    The Boy: Now wait a minute ...
    EM: Daddy, go back to the doghouse!

    © 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
    All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.


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