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Well, here we are. Commencement. Four years (based on cultural assumptions; much respect for anyone graduating in more years or fewer) and a minimum of 34 credits later, the class of 2019 can march across the graduation stage to receive a piece of paper worth $240,000 and the last of everyone’s self esteem. Graduation is a moment to celebrate, to share with family and friends, and to say goodbye to those you’ve grown to know or at least see a few times a day at the Deece.

Kayla Thurston ’19, graduating with a major in, found herself reflecting on what truly matters during this hectic celebration.

“I’ve been at Vassar for four years. In the long run, that’s not a lot of time, but I have changed so much since I was a first-year,” Thurston paused to wipe tears from her eyes. “But on ‘The Day’ itself, what I’ll really be focusing on is taking as many selfies with as many different people as I can. Making it into as many Snapchat stories as physically possible is the perfect way to honor the blood, sweat and tears I have put into my college education.”

Emmett Hill ’20 shared his deep sadness at seeing the Class of 2019 go: “I finally got the Terrace Apartment I’ve had my eye on, so I’m pretty stoked for next school year. But yeah, it’s gonna be super different without these guys. I will miss them a lot. I probably won’t reach out to many of them, and if they come back to visit and I see them in the Deece I’ll definitely avoid eye contact, but the campus really will never be the same without them.”

Thurston shared her thoughts about moving on from Vassar: “Life isn’t like college, but if I figured things out here I can probably figure them out in the real world, too. I’ll be back with my parents for a few months, maybe a year, and then I’ll move on. But today I’m going to make sure everyone I’ve ever made eye contact with here at Vassar knows how much I love them and value them. Even though I’ll just delete any messages they send me once this is all over without reading any of them.”

Hill commented enthusiastically on the monetary upside to the end of the Class of 2019’s Vassar career: “There’s been a ton of stuff for super cheap on Free and For Sale—I’ve been cleaning up! This week I bought a rug, five new shirts, a tea kettle, some skin products this chick used only once and two fish tanks. It cost 50 bucks total. It was a steal.”

Thurston discussed her feelings about being part of a tightly knit, international alumni network: “If I get one more email from the CDO inviting me to join Handshake, I will destroy all my electronics and go off the grid. I didn’t want them bothering me about Handshake while I was here. I sure as heck do not want them emailing me about it now that I’m gone.”

During the commencement ceremony itself, Thurston was seen diving behind anyone holding a phone at near-photo height, and adding her entire first-year writing seminar class on Snapchat with fervent promises to keep in touch “forever.” After the ceremony, Hill was found buying a pair of dress shoes off of a freshly graduated compsci major who loudly proclaimed the salary from his new job could get him “a thousand pairs of shoes.”

On behalf of the Misc, I would like to congratulate everyone walking across the stage at graduation. We feel proud of this graduating class and promise to support every single one of them, even beyond Vassar, by keeping in close, devoted contact with them. Or at least the CDO will until you join Handshake.

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Okay, now that it’s the end of the year and I am set to go abroad in the fall, I think it’s time to tell you all the full story about my personal war with ants. As some may know already, I recently wiped out a squadron of 200 ants, and I am hearing more of them in the walls as we speak.

These ants were not looking for food or anything of that nature. My room is very clean and I keep it that way for a reason, due to past experiences with ants. However, even back then an occasional 10 or 20 ants would pop up on a monthly basis.

Ever since I’ve tidied every square inch of this room, I haven’t encountered this problem. Of course, I see the occasional ant crawling around in the surrounding hallway, but never within the confines of my space. Tonight, however, was different. While everyone was at the Deece, the library or safe in their beds, the ants wanted to tango with the Devil and decided to disturb my peaceful slumber and ultimately my whole sleep schedule. Again, I have to stress that these particular ants weren’t out looking for food or even shelter. They were there for the KILL.

The ants knew I have killed many of their brethren, and they wanted to have their revenge. They wanted revenge for the many family members they’ve lost due to me and how malicious I may have seemed using the 4-inch Steve Madden platform as my ant-killer of choice. Tonight was the night they finally decided to express their hatred for me, and they came well-equipped to do the job and do it correctly.

Out of the 400 that attacked me, about one third of them were equipped with tactical wings to make aerial combat easier for them to achieve. If you hate flying ants, imagine a trained ant with his eyes fixed on you, trying to fly towards you at supersonic speed, while only achieving a speed slightly faster than that of a bumblebee. That’s what those ants were like. Of course, I had no choice but to stomp them down with my favorite ant-eliminator of choice: tactical ant spray.

Up next were the high-maneuverability ants. In order to make an effective squad that is capable of taking out humans, you need scouts to provide you with proper reconnaissance and intel to provide you with a large tactical advantage. These were the fast and agile ones, and whenever I tried to fight back, they always took cover under the floorboards as quickly as possible.

That’s what the most elite, most experienced ants were. They hid in the corners of my room and under the floorboards while scouting the area. When it was time, they called in the reinforcements of the aerial combat ants and made their final move on me when I was peacefully sleeping.

That’s when I woke up, however, and then attempted to defend myself as best as I could. The ants, unfortunately, possessed no semblance of mercy in their small, cruel ant bodies, and continued their very tiny yet very scary attacks on my person. The battle waged on deep into the night, and eventually I emerged victorious.

So, in conclusion, the ants I’ve encountered in my room were obviously highly trained military ant combatants that attempted to ambush me while I was asleep. I will guarantee you that you have NEVER experienced ants like these, nor would I ever wish this fate upon my greatest enemies. Even now, I fear that I have missed some of the ants, that they are still lurking and lying in wait for me to drop my guard. I am stuck in a perilous loop, forever locked into a battle of man versus ant. While I am large, their force is mighty and powerful, rivaling that of a grown human adult. I pity the poor soul who receives this room next semester. For them, I have only one message: The ants will find you, no matter how hard you try to hide. Your only hope is to run, and run fast. Godspeed.

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Students, it is the end of the year and many of us are going to summer jobs or internships for the first time, or perhaps are graduating and getting ready to tackle the job market. Meanwhile, others are just finding themselves saddled with questions about daily life. In an effort to help the student populace, The Miscellany News has established an ask column with our college expert who will be known as Womp. He has watched over 300 hours of college movies and has been studying at Vassar for six years. Also, all of his internship applications were denied so he has plenty of time to help.

Dear Womp,

I am a third year Vassar student majoring in chemistry, history, neuroscience and international studies. I keep a 3.8 GPA and I am captain of a local charter of the Youth of America organization. But recently I was wondering if I should take up an instrument as well. I hear it’s good mental exercise, and frankly I only play three sports. I have so much free time that life gets boring.

Sincerely, AvgJoe.

Joe,

Thanks for the question. I actually have a few questions for you in order to help more effectively. First: Were you excavated form Da Vinci’s secret lab? Who is your creator? Not in a cosmic sense; I am honestly assuming you were crafted in some SpaceX bunker that Elon Musk forgot about. Second: How does one go about getting a time turner? I have not seen a Professor McGonagall at the school, so I am not sure who to ask. Where did you get yours? Perhaps it’s better to assume you built it yourself in between creating nanotechnology and curing Ebola. And finally: Try getting a harmonica. They are fun, portable and completely underrated instruments that make a great accompaniment to any ensemble.Hope that helps, remember me when your species takes over the planet.

Best, Womp

Dear Womp,

Yesterday morning I parked my car in the South Lot, and as I was walking back to the Bridge, a deer came out of nowhere and frightened me. I ran into the trees and snagged my shirt, which caused me to trip. I fell in the mud, and I am pretty sure I was bitten by a tick. I have been feeling feverish and I am quite sure my ankle is twisted. I have three quizzes tomorrow I can’t miss. What should I do?

Thanks, Unlucky Duck

Duck,

What color was your shirt? If it was a dark color, to remove the mud, simply wait for it to dry and scrape the excess off with a knife. Then dab it with detergent solution and the stain will come right off. If it was a light color you want to let it soak in the solution for at least two hours. If there is any blood, use a salt or saline solution to get it off. Oh and try to not get TICKED off! Hahahahaha. GO SEE A DOCTOR.

Sincerely, Womp

Dear Womp,

I was recently accepted for a paid internship opportunity in the city. They grant me housing and a stipend, but I will be sharing an apartment with three friends. Though we each have a room, I have never had that many roommates in a space like that before. As I will be doing a lot of writing, I’ll be at home a lot. I am very nervous about it, and just want to have my stuff left alone and have a good time. What are some tips for sharing a space with others, especially since we will always be around each other?

Dearly, Gloomy Roomie

GR,
OH. YOU GOT AN INTERNSHIP. MUST BE NICE HUH. “Oh, Womp, help me! I have summer opportunities and prospects! I get to live with a bunch of friends in the best city in the world. ThEy gRAnt mE HoUsiNg” UGH. Fight me. Anywaaaaaaaay, if you don’t want people going in your room, I would recommend bear traps. Lay them all over your room hidden by carpet “Raiders of the Lost Ark”-style. This way is messy, so see above for blood removal tips. Actually, what’s your budget? You can set up a pretty good laser grid for just under $3,000 that will will alert you to any movement or unauthorized entry. I would spring for the mini-gun turret attachment, though, or else what’s even the point?

As far as getting along and ensuring a habitable home environment, I recommend a list of apartment rules that all roommates agreed to, as well as a chore list and an environment that encourages constant open communication. Oh and fear works great too. Worried one of your roommates won’t adhere to the rules? Well I’m not saying torture is the solution, however… You do outnumber them three to one and own bear traps. So, the ball is in their court.

Good luck with your pAiD InTeRnShiP (sorry, still salty) and remember the old saying “Friendship is forever, but roomateship is until they eat the dino nuggets I had in the freezer since THOSE WERE MY NUGGETS BARBARA. HOW DARE YOU.”

Bitterly, Womp

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The Miscellany News - Humor & Satire .. by The Miscellany News - 1M ago

Aries

My plants are finally sprouting, which is pretty exciting. Sadly, I will have to murder them at the end of the semester when I move out. Good riddance though—they are so needy. Please kill my plants for me because I don’t have the heart.

Taurus

You are destined for greatness this week. You will save a puppy, cure cancer and will be dared to drink a nasty concoction of soap, pickles, hot sauce and pee. Always remember, braveness is a virtue, young one.

Gemini

My new hobby is standing naked in my window watching tour groups walk by. Perhaps it’s less of a hobby and more of a perpetual accident. Either way, it’s a great way to scare off prospective students. I suggest trying it out for the thrill.

Cancer

It’s time for some r&r. Get naked. Take a nap. Have sex with your plants. Light some candles. Burn the test you failed. Accidentally burn your dorm down. Run from the police because they think you are an arsonist. “Vacation” to the Cayman Islands.

Leo

It’s about time that you shake your booty. Not your actual butt, but rather your metaphorical butt. Dig deep inside yourself to release all of the crap. Let it all out.

Virgo

I got trapped in the 24 hour section of the library last night. I was angrily shushing a chatty friend group then realized it was 2 a.m. and that I didn’t know how to get out. If you do want to hang in the library in the wee hours of the morning, please remember to shut the fuck up.

Libra

Founder’s Day is coming up, so it’s important to remember to protect yourself. While there are signs warning people about snorting too much sunscreen and not using enough acid, there’s a bigger threat that no one is talking about: ALIEN ABDUCTIONS! It’s literally going to be the alien Wild West out there.

Scorpio

Now’s the time in the semester to stop turning in your homework. The stars suggest that you’ll fail anyways, so stop putting in all of the extra effort.

Sagittarius

I know you’ll miss me when I’m gone. What I suggest is creating a Hannah-themed shrine in the places I frequent, such as late night, Strong MPR and Sanders Physics. Please include some sexy lines of computer code.

Capricorn

Sometimes I walk all the way to Rocky (from Strong) and then remember that I have to hike up to the third floor. If any of your classes next semester are on third floor Rocky, just drop them now. You won’t go and we both know it.

Aquarius

You are bound to find yourself in some tough interpersonal dynamics this week. Instead of evoking compassion and agreeing to compromise, fight them. Take that sucker down. NO ONE DISOBEYS YOU!!!

Pisces

I hope room draw went okay and that you’re not living with a scary stranger. However, if poor luck has befallen you, no need to worry. Simply greet them on move-in day lathered in lotion and sliding around on the floor.

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With next semester fast approaching, Vassar students are busy preparing for the new academic year.

Looking out for you all as usual, the Misc is here to give you soon-to-be seniors some help brainstorming what to write about for your theses. A list of possible ideas are as follows:

Why Am I Physically Incapable of Just Saying Hello to my Most Recent Hookup When I see Them at the Deece?

Major: Physics
Abstract: An investigation into why Vassar students can’t just get it together, take the leap and say hello to their Saturday night flings when they cross paths by the salad bar. This exploratory study will ultimately reveal that we all are in constant states of foreboding and are convinced that no one will ever love us anyway, so why even try?

From 2 a.m. to 7 p.m.: Studying the Sleep Patterns of College Students and the Evolution of the “You Up?” Text

Major: Cognitive Science
Abstract: Through an examination of multiple “You Up?” texts documented over the course of several semesters, it becomes clear that a new trend is surfacing in which texts are being sent earlier and earlier into the night. This discovery demonstrates a positive correlation with bedtimes, which are also occurring at earlier times. Such a finding suggests that if one wants to have an eventful night, they should no longer consider sending their risqué texts at 2 a.m., but rather a hearty 7 p.m., just to really ensure that the response will be in the affirmative!

But Where Does It Actually Go? An Examination of the Deece’s Trash, Compost and Recycling Bins

Major: Environmental Science
Abstract: An investigation into the Deece’s hefty environmental footprint. Using data collected from a series of dumpster dives, this study reveals that everybody’s efforts are futile, the world is indeed ending, and everything is trash at the end of the day anyway. I guess you can take that as you will.

When I Suck in my Stomach, Where Does it Go?

Major: Biology
Abstract: Honestly, we are a bit unsure about this one. If you do choose this for your thesis, please get back to the Misc about it, because we would love to know.

Is all of the Coffee at the Deece Actually Just Decaf?: An Examination of Vassar’s Newest Attempt to Reduce Anxiety on Campus


Major
: Psychology
Abstract: It is a widely known fact that caffeine induces feelings of uneasiness. This study explores how Vassar has chosen to tackle issues of mental health on campus by investigating the school’s newest initiative to reduce feelings of anxiety: purposely mislabeling all coffee on campus as caffeinated in order to encourage students to break their nasty caffeine habits. Through surveying Vassar’s student body, it becomes clear that students are not only still anxious and still adamantly believe that no one will ever love them, but are cranky as well.

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Anyone with two eyes and a heart full of music can tell that it’s spring here at Vassar. The trees are blooming, and the planters are filled with tulips paid for by millions of dollars in alumni donations because they would rather have the landscaping team reseed the grass along the paths every other day than give to scholarships or fund the humanities.

It’s a magical time of year, one in which I’m reminded that even seven inch inseams on men’s shorts make my already short legs look even smaller, and I sweat through the armpits of my shirt in the afternoon before freezing in the evening. Who doesn’t love spring?!

As it’s a wonderful and joyous season, I do have one very small, very insignificant problem. Especially compared to the exuberant regrowth occurring in every patch of dirt on this miracle that is our planet, this is a small complaint, but, for what it’s worth, I would really like to find a way to get birds to stop mating outside my window.

It’s not the fact that they’re having sex that bothers me. I am incredibly sex positive; I read all the pamphlets and posters the Office of Health Education leaves in the Deece and house bathrooms. Sex is great—yay sex! No, my issue is that I’m usually peacefully asleep at 5 a.m. If I am awake that early, it’s for no longer than five minutes to go to that aforementioned bathroom. But now that the birds are trying to procreate, it’s very difficult to fall back asleep even with an empty bladder.

They make these horrible noises like, “caw caw SQUAK” or “DEDEDE DEEEE DOO DEEE DOO.” I guess those ones don’t come across as that obnoxious in print, but anyone would want to pull out their own hair no matter whether they hear or read the noises that sounds like “KICKLEKICKLEKICKLE HEEEHAAAW.”

So the last half of that noise is a donkey noise, but you get the idea. It’s annoying.

The noises aren’t even the worst part. All these birds get so territorial. One of them keeps flying into my window because he thinks it’s another bird. If the bird songs didn’t put things into perspective, imagine a bird attacking his own reflection in your window until he dies. Fifty-six birds in the past two weeks have met their ends that way at my window alone. I keep seeing them fall. It’s upsetting.

Not to mention the number of times I have been attacked by a bird that felt I threatened its nest. In fairness to the cardinal that pulled out some of my hair, I was attempting to hide a cowbird’s egg in their nest so it would get fed preferentially because the cowbird baby is larger than the cardinal babies.

In fairness to myself, I was just exploring various biologically based constructs of femininity since so many people firmly believe gender is firmly biologically determined across the whole animal kingdom. Turns out it’s not, and being a trans human is entirely valid, in case anyone was wondering. It wasn’t worth losing the left half of my hair over learning something I already knew, but I had just conditioned it, so at least those magical little cardinal babies have a soft nest to grow up in.

The point is, if you are a bird reading this, please stop trying to mate outside my window. Things are hard enough now that my eternal battle with my sweat glands heats up, and I really need to sleep past 5 a.m. If anything is allowed to mate outside my window, it’s a swarm of apis mellifera, because I really like honey.

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More than 100 stealth egg attacks baffle Vassar students and police. Poughkeepsie, New York—A 19-year-old anonymous Vassar student’s room in Main has become the target of mysterious egging attacks that began in March 2019 and have persisted for months without end. The continuous onslaught of eggs has baffled police, neighbors and local government officials who have tried and failed to identify the source of the attacks that have ruined a Vassar student’s room. “The accuracy is phenomenal,” the student said. “Almost every time when it’s nice weather, they launch five or six of these at a time and almost invariably hit the front door.”

The room is pelted with eggs several times a week—sometimes more than once a day—for the past month. The attacks always happen after dark and last around 10 minutes each. The student and police believe the eggs are being launched from a block or two away. The siding on the front of the student’s room is destroyed, splattered with dried egg residue that has stripped off the paint. Other than a few rogue eggs that hit nearby rooms, no other neighbors have been targeted. “Somebody is deeply, deeply angry at somebody in that household for some reason,” the chief of police explained.

Both the student and police anticipate the attacks becoming more frequent as the weather warms. Because the egg incidents are an unsolved mystery, the Poughkeepsie officers have not taken the investigation lightly. They have spent months doing undercover stakeouts, canvassing the neighborhood and even sending eggshells for testing. The department’s entire community policing unit was dedicated to tracking down the eggers at one point. Officers respond quickly to every egging call at the student’s room, which is located less than a mile from the police station. All members of the Poughkeepsie police are at a dead end when it comes to suspects.

Investigators have taken several approaches to nabbing the eggers, including installing a surveillance camera outside of the student’s room. When this technique proved futile, the eggs were traced back to a local farm where the trail went cold. With the limited information available, the police resolved that the culprits either have access to a large supply of eggs or are stealing them from businesses that throw them out when they go bad. Detectives have followed this thread, visiting local restaurants and businesses to ask about missing eggs. While canvassing, they have also attempted to collect fingerprints from eggshells, but the police have concluded that it may be an impossible task. When an egg breaks, it breaks.

Officers have gone door-to-door questioning neighbors and handing out fliers. Nobody has come forward with any tips. “The person or people who are doing it have remained very tight-lipped,” the chief of police said. “It is strange, I would imagine it would be hard to keep a secret about a nefarious act of this caliber.” The guilty parties don’t appear to be intimidated by police interest in the case. An officer last year was taking a report when a barrage of eggs was launched at the house. One hit him in the foot. The chief said he has never seen this level of vandalism in his 20 years of police work. It has frustrated the whole department, which has dedicated hundreds of hours toward solving the egging mystery. “The man hours put into that investigation are huge, and it is one of the reasons it’s so frustrating that we don’t have somebody right now that we can criminally charge,” he stated.

The culprits will face charges of felony vandalism and criminal damaging. As the search continues, the student is waiting until the perpetrators are caught before they repair the tarnished siding. They stated that they used to clean up after each attack, but the attacks became so frequent that it couldn’t be kept up. Police initially offered a $500 reward for information, but increased it to $1,000 after nobody came forward. That money is still up for grabs. “We’re not going to let it go,” the chief of police said. “We’ll continue to put effort into it until we figure something out.” Despite all the torment, the student said he’d never consider moving from his beloved home. “I like Main. I would live and die in this house—but it’s been kind of a nightmare.”

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The Miscellany News - Humor & Satire .. by The Miscellany News - 1M ago

Aries

I had to write a blog post about how aggression relates to my life. I couldn’t think of anything because I’m a doll. But then I remembered how I started a fight in a club. Punch a few people the next time you go to a bar so you can have a story to share with the class.

Taurus

You should host a prospie. I know it can be daunting to figure out how to entertain them, but I have you covered. Instead of letting them ask questions, you should ask yourself questions. Cuddle them to bed, so they don’t have to sleep on the floor. They will love it here!

Gemini

I will be leaving soon, which is sad because you’ll no longer have someone to accurately predict your life. While uncertainty reigns, please remember to keep your door open when circle jerking in case anyone wants to join. We all need friendship in these tough times.

Cancer

I’ve been told that sometimes I come off as intimidating, which is good because that’s the image I’m trying to project. The stars predict that you will have to converse with someone who is equally as terrifying as me. You should probably run away if you want to stay safe.

Leo

You will live through one of my nightmares. I’m leaning toward the dream where you get eaten by an alligator while swinging (Indiana Jones style) over a fake pond in gym class.

Virgo

We all know how to tell that the end of the semester is near: The emails about outstanding library fines start reminding you that they know where you live. If you accidentally misplaced your library books like I hypothetically did, I suggest kidnapping a book to hold as ransom.

Libra

I hate when you accidentally write the word “feet” too many times in an academic essay. It’s just so awkward when the professor comments “lmao u got a foot fetish?” If you want an uncomfortable relationship with your professors, consider writing about your fetishes.

Scorpio

I haven’t been able to shower for the last week because I ran out of shaving cream. I need to shave every shower, so there was really no other option. If you ever find yourself in a dark place, dry shampoo works on all hairy regions.

Sagittarius

I like to keep my laptop on full brightness and just sit there staring at it. I watch the battery percentage decrease as it slowly dies. Mwahahahhaha. I am all powerful. Try this for yourself, and feel the evil air surround you.

Capricorn

You will be cold this week. Perhaps it’d be a good idea to bring a sweater with you to class. Or you could just bring your entire bed. Better yet, bring a cuddly friend. I hear tigers are cute.

Aquarius

I’m so glad that a mythical creature overtook my soul last week because now it is the one who has to deal with finals. Try to get possessed this week!

Pisces

You will have a good week despite the fact that your friends will leave you at the mall. You’ll have more time to play with the cat piano in Target. All of the other five-year-olds will be so jealous of you.

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This past weekend marked another successful Admitted Students Day here at Vassar. This yearly event is where soon-to-be high school graduates can come and decide once and for all if this school is truly The One. Prospective students were showered in the petals of informational pamphlets, dined and grape-juiced on the finest Bon Appetit offerings and led through the gardens by tour guides. This weekend marks a major, life-long decision for both the college and its accepted students. It’s a tumultuous, emotional time for faculty, administration and students alike, as the wave of the future decides which to which college to give their rose.

This year’s event brought hordes of 18-year-olds and their parents to wander around, somewhat aimlessly, on the paths of this campus, the library and—for some reason—right outside the door to my dorm, making it difficult to get quickly from the Deece to my room and back after forgetting my VCard without being rude to a kind and very lost family looking for the chemistry labs.

The success of the event this year was followed by a press release—the grand unveiling of the college’s intentions to woo the future incoming Class of 2024. Fans of past admitted students days will not be disappointed. The administration left no rock unturned, starting with the style and look of all faculty and staff members.

“Following the splash made by the large stickers [welcoming the Class of 2023] all employees wore this year, VC employees working on that day will receive our brand new, state of the art, cutting-edge cotton short sleeved t-shirts, each printed with the face, name and high school of a different admitted student. All staff must also accessorize with at least three pieces of college swag, purchased from the bookstore, including but not limited to: socks, cardigans, earrings, cufflinks, formal pants, hats and/or a bumper sticker stuck neatly to the forehead. These stylish statement pieces are sure to let every single visitor know how much we value what they could pay us in tuition,” read the College’s official press release.

Staff won’t be the only ones decked out in Vassar gear for the day. The press release only hints at what will come, but the College plans a welcome ceremony for the ages.

“All Vassar students, faculty and weekday staff are required to line the sidewalks for the whole day, demonstrating their school spirit to the fullest for the arriving families. Among other ceremonial duties, students, faculty and staff will be required to participate in the ceremonial balloon drop and listen to a four-hour-long speech on the history and greatness of this Hallowed Institution,” the press release hinted coyly.

There’s still a lot of mystery surrounding the event for the following year, but this press release sure has piqued our interest! Gossip continues to circulate over who will lead such stimulating informational panels, such as Residential Life and On-Campus Mental Health Resources. But based off of what they’ve told us, we’re all just holding our breath and waiting for the next Admitted Students Day in 2020.

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In the wake of admitted students weekend, I’ve noticed a few things. Over and over again, there’s the repetition of popular tropes by these new and tragically bright-eyed recruits, and it is in honor of these brave, brave souls that I would like to dedicate this document that blatantly and unabashedly makes fun of them.

The “I’m in college now so I don’t have to actually do work” student: Sorry, homework, there’s been bad connection for a while there, umm… This is probably not a great time, but hey, yah, no, you’re absolutely fine, and I love you, but right now I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship, it’s really hard for me if we don’t see each other every day, so if we can just pause for a minute and wait until next year and see how we feel, that would be ideal. It’s honestly nothing you did, I just need some time to figure myself out and be on top of my life, you know? Like, you need food, water and shelter before you can achieve a feeling of security, but I hope this is okay and that I’m not totally breaking your heart cuz I really really do like you as a person, but rn is not the time for me to be in a relationship, I realize.

The “still in a relationship from high school” student (subtweeting myself? maybe): *checks phone* Read 5:23 p.m.

The “is trying to date in college” student: Commitment? Don’t know her.

The “is getting heavily ghosted” student: *checks phone* Read 4/15/19.

The “everly increasingly reliant on nicotine” student: Excuse me? I find vaping to be one of the best activities in my life. It has carried me through the toughest of times and brought light and vapor upon my spirit. You’re just another one of those people who doesn’t believe in the power of vaping. Your ignorance of the government is what makes you a sheep in today’s society. Have fun following today’s system.

The “scene never really died out did it?” student (perhaps, another self-subtweet): hi every1 im new!!!!!!! *holds up spork* my name is Katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see i’m very random!!!! that’s why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… i’m 17 years old (i’m mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim, it’s my favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! i’m random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make a lot of friends here so give me lots of comments!!!!

DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <— me being random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!

The “I exclusively eat sleep breathe chemistry” student: I had a dream where I got like a 43 on my test and the person next to me got like a 30 and the person on my other side got like a 93. I got to class and I got a 60 and the person next to me got a 60 and the other person next to me  also got a 60 and the entire class almost failed.

The “didn’t know about the Lathrop basement until yesterday” student: You think I can make it down the stairs? There’s probably zombies down there. Very scary, everything is scary downstairs. I saw someone crying there once. It was probably because they were scared. I’ll just use the vending machine in Joss, thanks.

The “lives hundreds of miles away from Vassar” student: Biggest pet peeve when the flight attendants make an announcement for people without connections to please sit down so people WITH connections can get off sooner but EVERYONE proceeds to stand up anyways. Also, plane landing clapping. Who started that, and how can we end it? My ears haven’t popped yet. I’m tired.

The “still keeps in touch with all of their old friend groups from high school” student: Our English teacher had a baby. Remember when he would be self-deprecating and make jokes about being single all the time, and now he’s married and has a kid? We all need this energy. The “completely average Vassar admitted student”: I feel tired and anxious constantly.

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