Michaela Ray - Five steps to get “in the zone” and attract Mr. Right

In the first part of the article we talked about physical energy drainers, about low immunity and about the effect of  fasting on the recovery of the immunity cells. In the second part we will talk about mental energy drainers, their chemical effect on body and possible solutions.

http://michaelaray.com/managing-your-energy-not-time-understanding-body-chemicals-part-1/

Mental energy drainers

According to Dr. Herbert Benson, president of Harvard Medical School’s Body-Mind Institute, toxic thinking leads to stress, which impacts the natural abilities of our body to heal. Scientific studies show clear connection between brain, nervous system, hormonal system and immunity system. Positive emotions help heal our body while negative emotions over a longer period cause diseases.

According to Dr. Tomas Kaspar, author of “Don’t rush to the grave” our brain  releases neuropeptides, which trigger release of certain hormones. Positive eustress causes release of positive hormones endorphin, serotonin, dopamin. Negative distress causes release of negative hormones adrenaline, kortizol, kortizon, aldosterone, noradrenaline and others. Negative hormones prepare our body for survival – fight or flight. Body works on “emergency mode” and shuts down all other functions to reserve enough energy for the fight. Due to “energy saving mode”, the immunity system is reduced, digestion is slowed down, metabolism does not work efficiently,  the reproduction system  is turned off (women can’t get pregnant, men losing erection), fat production is mobilized and muscle mass is reduced (because fat is easily accessible energy reserve).

Short term distress helps us survive. Afterwards the body needs to recover from the damages caused by the release of the stress hormones. Long term stress means body doesn’t have space for regeneration. It doesn’t come back to its balance and nothing works as it is supposed to work. When our body is too tired to prevent a disease, it gets even more exhausted by fighting a disease. Our energy reserve gets depleted. Without proper energy recharge, we are more likely to develop various health problems, easily catch a virus,  our skin gets prematurely old, we develop acid stomach, osteoporosis and other problems.

According to recent studies pointed out by  Dr. Tomas Kaspar, our mental state influences our health 4 times more and 4 times faster than our food! Additionally our emotions have an effect on our physical body and vice versa. In order to recharge energy we need to consider both physical and mental aspect.

From physical aspect we already discussed in part 1 of this article, the need to detoxify and nourish cells with micro nutrients.  From mental aspect, we need to find ways how to reduce toxic emotions such as: inability to forgive, envy, anger, depression and worries, anxiety, frustration, fear, sadness, regret and guilt. All of these cause us stress.

Can we get the negative stress under control?

Dr. Caroline Leaf, author of “Turn on your brain”, is suggesting 8 steps for mental detox. Additional step, number one, comes from Optimum Health Institute in San Francisco. 

• Stop being the receiver of toxic news. The standard news on TV and radio are 99% percent negative, based on fear. You will not miss anything really  important by not listening to it. If something really important happens, people will tell you about it. Negative gossips about others or debating about hurtful things others said about you also belongs to the toxic news category.
• Control your thoughts and set up realistic expectations. Life isn’t perfect. Don’t let the imperfections take you away from what is good in your life.
• Use positive  words for defining your world
• Express your emotions. When the emotions are suppressed, it is preventing the positive hormones to be released that could clean up the damages after the negative emotions.  Releasing emotions means a free flow of neuropeptides in chemical lines so that the emotions can be processed.
• Tune your heart into love. This point is about gratefulness, positive thinking, spending time with people who bring you joy and happiness.
• Therapy of hugs, petting and touch.  Gentle touch leads to release or hormone endorphin and enkephalin that participate in body healing process, reduce  level of stress hormone cortisol and reduce our blood pressure. Skin hunger is referring to a phenomenon when a person is for long time without a partner, longing for a hug even more than for sex. In Belgium, Daya Vidya, Evi Maes (www.beingloveandbeauty.eu) and Vanessa de Smet (www.vanessadesmet.com)  are proponents of the methods emphasizing the power of touch.
• Games, laughter and humor. Laughter reduces kortizol, adrenalin and increases endorphin.
• Physical exercise releases endorphin and sweating helps remove the waste caused by toxic emotions.
• Spiritual aspect.  This point is about meaning of life, values, our mission, and connection to the universe, God, love or something bigger than us.

How to do a recharge on a mental level?

The advices of Dr. Leaf are all valuable and great. The challenge is finding time and place for it. What if there was a special place just for me,without distractions,  where I can do it?

As a manager in a multinational corporation, going through  several acquisitions and divestitures, I was under a constant stress. With the busy schedule,  responsibilities and deadlines, I didn’t even consider taking time off even when being sick. Instead I relied on my  strong will to  push myself further. As a consequence of this  lifestyle, I started to suffer from low energy, compromised immunity and health issues.

My body was fighting one infection after another and every six months I developed a new health problem. It was going on for 2 years till I was diagnosed with a burn out and had to stay home.

Weeks went by and I was making very little progress.  My body was fighting on so many battlefields, that my battery was still close to zero. I experienced feelings that I didn’t know before like anxiety, lethargy and a big cloud of negativity. I felt frustrated for not getting better.  

It occupied my mind how can I do an energy recharge and immunity boost. I really needed to make a major reboot of my system, in order to break  the downward spiral of my health and energy.  I read books and researched this topic  and eventually decided I wanted to try juice fasting. I hoped that cleaning my body and recharging  my immunity would also  help clean my mind. I wanted to go away from any kind of stress, household duties to be able to focus on just myself getting better. I knew I could not do this at home. Such a reboot requires a lot of discipline and proper facilities.

I searched for a place offering juice fasting , exercise and activities to release stress. I did not find an ideal place, so I decided to develop the program myself, at my parents cabin in Slovakia. My mother agreed to join and committed to follow a  7 day fasting with vegetable juices, nut milk for proteins, water, yoga, Pilates, daily hiking in the woods, sauna and massage.

There was no TV or radio to distract us. We were surrounded by nature, just two of us.  We were hiking twice a day and looking for other points of view to stressful situations.  Spending quiet time in woods with slow breathing. On a few occasions when I felt the stuck emotions were getting  ready to be released, I took alone time and let the  tears out.  The anger, sadness and frustration were slowly leaving my body. I realized my situation wasn’t that bad, I was just putting a lot of focus on the things that didn’t work. It helped me find some gratitude and focus on what I wanted for my future, instead of the self defeating negativity.

As my body was getting cleaned, nourished and flexible, my mind started to get better too. I noticed around day five I started joking and laughing again.  I was in a good mood and suddenly noticed the beauty of the nature.

On day 7 I felt  happy,  I woke  up early in  the morning full of energy, my joints didn’t hurt,  I lost 2 kg (from 59.5 to 57.5)  and some centimeters of stubborn belly fat. My nose wasn’t running with allergies as it used to  the previous 9 months. My mother lost 5kg, and as a diabetic reduced her blood  sugar levels to almost normal. She was feeling very positive and motivated. We were both amazed of what effects can be reached in just 7 days.  

After this experience, I became a fan of juice fasting. I continue this practice  and want to share this quick and effective method with others who need a system reboot. 7 days is ideal for a major reboot, while  2-3 days is easy to start with and provides a quick detox and energy recharge. If you only have one day, it is still worth doing it. Consider it as a regular body maintenance.

I am developing a balanced body and mind program “ Recharge Oasis”, with juice fasting as well as beneficial physical and mental activities. If you are curious about  this program or would like to support my efforts in any way, I will be happy to hear from you at info@michaelaray.com.

Ria, a 35 year old manager,  was excited about exercising in the evening and going out with friends. Unfortunately she had to cancel both, because her energy tank reached zero in the afternoon. She barely dragged herself home from work. As much as she was looking forward to the evening, she became unmotivated and decided to stay in and go to bed early. This was not the first time it happened but she hoped another day would be better…

Has this ever happened to you? It is very frustrating. We need time to properly rest in order to have more energy. However there seem to be never enough time. And even the limited  time we have, is often  wasted due to  lack of  energy. What a vicious circle!

If time isn’t the answer, then what is?  What takes our life energy away? What can bring it back?

There are two main groups of energy drainers, physical and mental.

Physical energy drainers: lack of sleep, unhealthy and heavy food, dehydration, being in pain, being sick, extreme temperatures or other conditions and physical blocks in the body preventing proper flow and circulation.

Mental energy drainers: stress, inner in-congruence, toxic emotions, negative self talk and mental blocks.

Both physical and mental energy drainers have effect on the biochemical balance of our body.

As long as we have a biochemical balance, our body has an amazing self healing capacity. It can overcome infections, heal wounds, recover after difficulties, produce enough energy and function properly.

Weak immunity

One of the big energy drainers for our body is fighting diseases and symptoms such as pain. According to Dr. Tomas Kaspar, author of book, “Don’t Rush to the grave”, Our immunity can deal with almost everything as long as it is properly nourished and developed. The cause of the diseases aren’t viruses and bacteria but a weakened immunity system, that isn’t able to deal with the infections.

Professor Benjamin Lau,  an Immunologist at Loma Linda University in  California, led a research about the effect of refined sugars to our immunity. He found out that eating 10 teaspoons of sugar reduces the activity of neutrophils by 50% for a period of 5 hours. Eating 30 teaspoons of sugar paralyzes the neutrophils completely, for the whole day. Neutrophils are responsible for “eating” and liquidation of the bad bacteria,viruses and dead body cells.

Europeans eat on average 101 gram of sugar a day (24 teaspoons), which is according to BBC more than twice the amount recommended. Americans consume even higher amount, averaging 126 grams. (30 teaspoons). It is no surprise people who eat a lot of sugar, suffer from various diseases.

The scientist from Loma Linda University then studied the effect of fasting on the activity of neutrophils. They found out when people didn’t eat for one day and only drank water, the activity of neutrophils increased and the effect lasted for 60 hours. When people added to the fasting also fresh fruit and vegetable juices, it stimulated the neutrophils activity for several days.

According  to Dr. Jozef Duraj from the Institute of Experimental Oncology of the Slovak Academy of Sciences, lack of minerals, vitamins and phytonutrients is blocking proper function of immunity. But luckily it works the other way too. When we detoxify and nourish the cells, the immunity cells become very active. Fasting cleans the cells and the fruit and vegetable juices provide micronutrients.

According to Dr. Tomas Kaspar, when we eat unhealthy food, our body is filled with many unnatural  chemicals (toxins) that have to be released, otherwise we would get eventually poisoned. Our immunity system is in charge of cleaning these substances from our body. When it is overwhelmed by the clean up, it resembles to a soldier who is cleaning mud all day. In the evening he is exhausted. Suddenly there is an alarm due to digesting food infected with salmonella. Can the soldier  jump full of energy and fight or is he going to lethargically drag himself?  When we have weakened immunity, with exhausted, paralyzed or unequipped soldiers, infections easily take over. When our body is too tired to prevent an infection, it gets even more exhausted by fighting a disease. Our energy reserve gets depleted. Without proper energy recharge, we are more likely to quickly develop another  infection and complications.  

In the part 2 of this article, we will look at mental energy drainers, at their biochemical aspect, mainly talking about the effect of stress hormones.  

How to do a recharge on physical level?

The advice of doctors about  healthy food, fasting and exercising are valuable but nothing we haven’t heard before. The challenge is finding time and place for it in our busy lives. What if there was a special place just for me, without distractions, where I can do it?

As a manager in a multinational corporation, going through  several acquisitions and divestitures, I was under a constant stress. With the busy schedule,  responsibilities and deadlines, I didn’t even consider taking time off when I felt sick. Instead I relied on my  strong will to  push myself further. Time went by and I was getting worse. I  suffered from low energy, compromised immunity and health issues. My body was fighting one infection after another and every six months I developed a new health problem. It was going on for 2 years till I was diagnosed with a burn out and had to stay home.

Weeks went by and I was making very little progress. I was taking antibiotics like a candy and developed additional problems and allergies. My body was fighting on so many battlefields, that my battery was still close to zero. I felt frustrated for not getting better.

It occupied my mind how can I do an energy recharge and immunity boost. Simply having time to rest wasn’t enough to  make a difference.  I really needed to make a major reboot of my system, in order to break  the downward spiral of my health and energy.  I read books and researched this topic  and eventually decided I wanted to try  juice fasting.  However it required a lot of discipline and proper facilities. I wanted to go away from any kind of stress, household duties to be able to focus on just myself getting better. I didn’t want to have temptations to eat sweets, and risk of giving up after a day or two. I knew I could not do this at home, watching everybody else eating normal food.

I searched for a place offering juice fasting with physical exercise and activities to release stress. I did not find an ideal place, so I decided to develop the program myself, at my parents cabin in nature. My mother agreed to join and we committed to follow a  7 day fasting with vegetable juices, nut milk for proteins, water, yoga, Pilates, daily hiking in the woods, sauna, massage and even colonix.

We supported each other and were surprised, it wasn’t as difficult as expected. During the first three days of the detox we were a bit tired and needed to take naps  during the day. After a few days we started  sweating with a very strong odor, which signals major toxin release. The daily physical activity, including mild running helped prevent major muscle loss. Our body was burning the fat. The stretching exercises, massage and sauna helped reduce knots and muscle pain and increased our flexibility and blood flow. Sauna and colonix also helped with the toxin elimination. The constant supply of  micro nutrient nourished our cells.

On the day 7 I felt  happy,  I woke  up early in  the morning full of energy, my joints didn’t hurt,  I  lost 2 kg (from 59.5 to 57.5)  and some centimeters of stubborn belly fat. My nose wasn’t running with allergies as it used to  the previous 9 months.                                                    My mother lost 5kg and  as a diabetic, reduced her blood  sugar levels to almost normal. She was feeling very positive and motivated. We were both amazed of what effects can be reached in just 7 days. Our bodies were so happy, we agreed to repeat the cycle after a few weeks.  Again, the experience was great.  

I became a fan of juice fasting. I continue this practice  and want to share this quick and effective method with others who need a body reboot. 7 days is ideal for a major reboot, while  2-3 days is easy to start with and provides a quick detox and energy recharge. If you only have one day, it is still worth doing it. Consider it as a regular body maintenance.

I am developing a balanced body and mind program “ Recharge Oasis”, with juice fasting as well as beneficial physical and mental activities. If you are curious about  this program or would like to support my efforts in any way, I will be happy to hear from you at info@michaelaray.com.

You are accomplished, professional in your career, self-sufficient and strong.  You have your own income to support yourself, you are independent, creative, adventurous, sociable and witty. You are intelligent and like intellectual conversations.  You are a nice person, helpful to others and caring for your loved ones. You value honesty and good relationships.

You would be an ideal wife if only men could appreciate your qualities! However, you have been single for a while or in a dead end relationship.

You are probably in one of the four situations described below:

1. Avoiding the dating market completely but secretly dreaming of a nice relationship. Something is holding you back from going for it. You justify to yourself why it would not work anyway, so no point of trying.
2. Waiting for the right man to simply “happen” in your life. You are open to meet new men, but not actively looking. You are waiting for natural opportunities and rely on good luck to be discovered by somebody great.  You get attracted to men who have been around you for a while. However they are either “unavailable” or not interested.
3. In a dead end relationship that doesn’t satisfy your needs and wishes. This might include dating unavailable men, men who are not willing to commit, staying together just because of sex, or because you don’t want to feel completely alone. Another scenario is that you are the one who can’t fully commit, because something is missing for you, even though he is a good man and really loves you. Or you have recently ended a relationship but are still returning to it in your mind and it feels things are unsettled.
4. Trying really hard, meeting many men and being totally fed up with the results. You are starting to think single life is better than the headache, stress and frustration of dating.

You want a relationship with a man who can appreciate who you are

You want to have quality men interested in you.  You want dating to be fun. You want to have a simple tool how to find the right man, let the things progress naturally and finally settle with a man who will appreciate you in the same way like you appreciate him.

You are afraid of making a mistake again

You are afraid to give dating another try because your emotions and self-confidence already suffered from the previous experience.

You are afraid to have another relationship, because you don’t trust you can do it better than the previous attempt.  You are afraid of the risk of being hurt, cheated, scammed, disrespected, taken for granted or unappreciated again.

You are fed up with wasting your time, effort and energy

You are fed up with doing everything alone and waiting for the great guy to finally show up.  You are fed up with spending money on dating sites.  You are fed up with wasting time on boring chats and dates.  You are fed up with meeting man who have no intention of commitment.  You are fed up with your “boyfriend” saying now isn’t a good time yet for the next step in your relationship. You are sick of people giving you uninvited advices.  Lastly you don’t want to become somebody who you are not in order to “fit what shallow men are looking for”.

You are not alone

Most women dream to meet, love and marry a prince charming. Many of us start romantic relationships full of expectation and hope to be finally happy. Then we are highly disappointed when confronted with the reality. The majority of men out there aren’t anything like we wished for.

Women think: A good woman will be loved as much as she loves him.

Men say: Most men don’t love a woman, they take advantage of what she does for them.

Women think: Men would be lucky to have a woman “like me”.

Men say: You are painfully typical. You hold the same conversations and try the same tricks as every other woman.

Women think:  I have bad luck, most men I met are not looking for commitment.

Men say: When a man tells you he’s not looking for anything serious, he means “with you!” When a man meets a woman who “gets him” on multiple levels, even the biggest womanizer is ready to settle down.

These comments are pretty harsh!

While I don’t like the macho attitude, I read between the lines that men are also secretly wishing for that one special woman who will make them happy. They are equally struggling to find her. Both men and women use a lot of tactics, strategies and even tricks in hope to meet a great partner.

There are so many conflicting advice: “Play hard to get” vs. “Push hard to get him”. 

“Be sexy” vs. “Make yourself look innocent”. “Show him you are interested” vs. “Be an ice queen”. It is so confusing. How am I supposed to know what actually works for me?  No wonder many women feel exhausted and discouraged from dating.

All the activities like flirting, creating dating profiles, chatting with potential dates, going to places for singles, having a date, getting dressed up, trying to lose weight, learning about sex techniques, reading books about opposite gender, belong to a group,  called “Outer game”.

Having good “tools” for the outer game is important.  However, it doesn’t work by itself.

There is another group of activities, usually completely overlook by popular dating advice.

Group called “Inner game”. Inner game has to do with your mental and emotional approach to what you are doing. This includes your attitude, beliefs in yourself, dealing with mistakes and so on. The concept of Inner game was developed, as a way to achieve excellence in peak sport performers. We have to prepare ourselves mentally and emotionally to perform well, whether it is for a sport, a job or for dating.

When your Outer game and Inner Game are working together, actions flow with a type of effortless excellence, called “playing in the zone”.

When you are “playing in the zone”, you feel confident , you have no fear of failure, you are focused on your goal, you are relaxed and ready to take action, you are having fun and the result comes without effort and without thinking about it too much.

It is precisely this case when you see some “exceptionally lucky” women, attracting great guys, fast and effortlessly.

The opposite of this state is anxiety, lack of confidence, low energy, fear, stress, mental paralysis which brings an under average result, in any area, including dating.

The purpose of my upcoming book is to guide you through simple steps to bring you to a place called “your zone”, where successful dating becomes possible.

Five steps to attract Mr. Right

First step is to find out where you are standing today, and how did you get there. The second step is to decide how would like your dating future to look like. This can differ for each woman and range from casual part time relationship to a marriage with children. Once we have the current state and desired future state, we can draw a line between them as a path.  In the third step we will look at the obstacles that have been standing in your way. In the fourth step we will explore resources that will help you get in “your zone” and ultimately to your goal. Finally, in the fifth step, we will discuss the practical actions necessary to enter the dating market in a full grace of your uniqueness. This includes things like coming across the way you want in your dating profile, having tools for filtering only the interesting men etc.  The rest will be your story of success.

I  asked a group of women in early summer for their feedback for the first manuscript of the book and based on that prepared  an improved version.  I really enjoy debating the topic with women via emails or in person and seeing how  their  story develops from completely unsatisfactory to “exciting with positive outlook”.  Reading comments  from my readers like the below, gives me satisfaction and motivates me to continue.

“It really helped me to do the exercises about what I want in life, as your book suggested. My new boyfriend is unbelievably amazing. I have never met anybody like this and did not even believe it was possible. I don’t know where this will lead but I have a great feeling from this.” 

Another reader, a 30 year old woman, who never had a boyfriend in her life, shared with me with excitement  she was able to make a mental switch and let go of her past. It only took one week after that, to meet her sweetheart. It makes me happy that my work can help improve women’s lives.  I included her full story in the new version of the e-book with her permission.

I am now looking for a second group of women to read and experience the techniques. To become a test reader and receive a free e-book, you can contact me at info@michaelaray.com, with subject “BOOK” or message me through Facebook. You will receive a manuscript for my upcoming book MINDFUL DIVA DATING: Five steps to get in “your zone” and attract Mr. Right.  

I am offering a FREE COPY for the first 15 readers who are willing to give a short feedback.

You are a smart, amazingly talented and a genuinely good woman

You are accomplished, professional in your career, self-sufficient and strong.  You have your own income to support yourself, you are independent, creative, adventurous, sociable and witty. You are intelligent and like intellectual conversations.  You are a nice person, helpful to others and caring for your loved ones. You value honesty and good relationships.

You would be an ideal wife if only men could appreciate your qualities! However, you have been single for a while or in a dead end relationship.

You are probably in one of the four situations described below:

1. Avoiding the dating market completely but secretly dreaming of a nice relationship. Something is holding you back from going for it. You justify to yourself why it would not work anyway, so no point of trying.
2. Waiting for the right man to simply “happen” in your life. You are open to meet new men, but not actively looking. You are waiting for natural opportunities and rely on good luck to be discovered by somebody great.  You get attracted to men who have been around you for a while. However they are either “unavailable” or not interested.
3. In a dead end relationship that doesn’t satisfy your needs and wishes. This might include dating unavailable men, men who are not willing to commit, staying together just because of sex, or because you don’t want to feel completely alone. Another scenario is that you are the one who can’t fully commit, because something is missing for you, even though he is a good man and really loves you.
4. Trying really hard, meeting many men and being totally fed up with the results. You are starting to think single life is better than the headache, stress and frustration of dating.

You want a relationship with a man who can appreciate who you are

You want to have quality men interested in you.  You want dating to be fun. You want to have a simple tool how to find the right man, let the things progress naturally and finally settle with a man who will appreciate you in the same way like you appreciate him.

You are afraid of making a mistake again

You are afraid to give dating another try because your emotions and self-confidence already suffered from the previous experience.

You are afraid to have another relationship, because you don’t trust you can do it better than the previous attempt.  You are afraid of the risk of being hurt, cheated, scammed, disrespected, taken for granted or unappreciated again.

You are fed up with wasting your time, effort and energy

You are fed up with doing everything alone and waiting for the great guy to finally show up.  You are fed up with spending money on dating sites.  You are fed up with wasting time on boring chats and dates.  You are fed up with meeting man who have no intention of commitment.  You are fed up with your “boyfriend” saying now isn’t a good time yet for the next step in your relationship. You are sick of people giving you uninvited advices.  Lastly you don’t want to become somebody who you are not in order to “fit what shallow men are looking for”.

You are not alone

Most women dream to meet, love and marry a prince charming. Many of us start romantic relationships full of expectation and hope to be finally happy. Then we are highly disappointed when confronted with the reality. The majority of men out there aren’t anything like we wished for.

Women think: A good woman will be loved as much as she loves him.

Men say: Most men don’t love a woman, they take advantage of what she does for them.

Women think: Men would be lucky to have a woman “like me”.

Men say: You are painfully typical. You hold the same conversations and try the same tricks as every other woman.

Women think:  I have bad luck, most men I met are not looking for commitment.

Men say: When a man tells you he’s not looking for anything serious, he means “with you!” When a man meets a woman who “gets him” on multiple levels, even the biggest womanizer is ready to settle down.

These comments are pretty harsh!

While I don’t like the macho attitude, I read between the lines that men are also secretly wishing for that one special woman who will make them happy. They are equally struggling to find her. Both men and women use a lot of tactics, strategies and even tricks in hope to meet a great partner.

There are so many conflicting advices: Play hard to get. Push hard to get him. 

Be sexy. Make yourself look innocent. Show him you are interested. Be an ice queen. It is so confusing. How am I supposed to know what actually works for me?  No wonder many women feel exhausted and discouraged from dating.

All the activities like flirting, creating dating profiles, chatting with potential dates, going to places for singles, having a date, getting dressed up, trying to lose weight, learning about sex techniques, reading books about opposite gender, belong to a group,  called “Outer game”.

Having good “tools” for the outer game is important.  However, it doesn’t work by itself.

There is another group of activities, usually completely overlook by popular dating advices.

Group called “Inner game”. Inner game has to do with your mental and emotional approach to what you are doing. This includes your attitude, beliefs in yourself, dealing with mistakes and so on. The concept of Inner game was developed by Timothy Gallwey, as a way to achieve excellence in peak sport performers. We have to prepare ourselves mentally and emotionally to perform well, whether it is for a sport, a job or for dating.

When your Outer game and Inner Game are working together, actions flow with a type of effortless excellence, called “playing in the zone”.

When you are “playing in the zone”, you feel confident , you have no fear of failure, you are focused on your goal, you are relaxed and ready to take action, you are having fun and the result comes without effort and without thinking about it too much.

It is precisely this case when you see some “exceptionally lucky” women, attracting great guys, fast and effortlessly.

The opposite of this state is anxiety, lack of confidence, low energy, fear, stress, mental paralysis which brings an under average result, in any area, including dating.

The purpose of my upcoming book is to guide you through simple steps to bring you to a place called “your zone”, where successful dating becomes possible.

First step is to find out where you are standing today, and how did you get there. The second step is to decide how would like your dating future to look like. This can differ for each woman and range from casual part time relationship to a marriage with children. Once we have the current state and desired future state, we can draw a line between them as a path.  In the third step we will look at the obstacles that have been standing in your way. In the fourth step we will explore resources that will help you get in “your zone” and ultimately to your goal. Finally, in the fifth step, we will discuss the practical actions necessary to enter the dating market in a full grace of your uniqueness.  The rest will be your story of success.

Two weeks ago I have received a message from one of my test readers who is almost 30 and never had a boyfriend in her life. She was excited that she was able to make a mental switch and let go of her past. It only took one week after that, to meet her sweetheart. It makes me happy that my work can help improves women’s lives.  I included her full story in the e-book.

To request a free e-book, you can contact me at info@michaelaray.com, with subject “BOOK” or message me through Facebook. You will receive a manuscript for my upcoming book MINDFUL DIVA DATING: Five steps to get in “your zone” and attract Mr. Right.  

I am offering a FREE COPY for the first 100 readers who are willing to give a short feedback.

I am proud to say, our site  has been selected in the Top 25 Relationship Blogs of www.feedspot.com.

Maribel was exhausted and depressed by her unsuccessful search for a man. She posted her question to the women’s forum, asking what was wrong with her profile, since nobody showed any interest in six months. Below is the profile.

I am just a normal girl. I am 43, divorced.  I don’t have any children.  I am mid height, ok looking. I like reading, cooking and I have a cat.   I have an office job. I am a sociable person.  I have been disappointed in life but I am ready to start over.

I am looking for that special someone to brighten my days and enjoy the life together.  Once I meet you I promise I will make you my first and only priority in life. We will spend all the time together and have fun.  I will do anything for you to make you happy.

 You need to be financially independent, mature, responsible and have all your issues resolved.  I don’t need a man who can’t take care of himself.  If you have children they need to be out of your house and independent. If you are interested, write me about yourself.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Maribell

Can you tell what is wrong with this profile?

Profile analysis

Normal girl, ok looking – sounds like a woman who has under average opinion of herself, not much self confidence

Hobbies such as reading, cooking and a cat are very generic. While many people including myself enjoy these things, it sounds quite boring and definitely doesn’t stand out when men read several profiles.

Talking about being disappointed gives a bitter feeling and doesn’t promise much fun.

Waiting for somebody else to brighten my days gives a heavy feeling of expectation from the potential partner, and a sense of sadness.

While the previous items didn’t get much interest of the men, the following is a total killer:

Promise to make the man her first and only priority in life – while this was meant as a good hearted intention, it is suffocating to have somebody there 24/7 without any other interest in life.

I don’t need a man who…. These types of statements are negative, unfriendly and point out bad experiences of the woman that she still hasn’t gotten over.

Financial requirement, especially related to the potential children of the man sounds petty minded. While it is understandable she doesn’t want to sponsor life of several other people, dating profile is not the place to start the discussion about the organization of the finances.

To summarize the top 5 mistakes of a dating profile

1. Starting introduction in a negative way. Example “I don’t want / need a man who….” Another example is making undermining statements about yourself, like “I am only….. / I am an average woman” or “I haven’t had much luck with men so far….” Instead say something nice and interesting about yourself.

2. Using a picture together with the previous boyfriend – while this should be obvious, many women actually don’t realize how big turn off this is. Use picture of yourself, possibly doing some activity you like, which can steer an interesting discussion.

3. Coming across as a bitchy diva. Many women use as a motto such as of Marilyn Monroe: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” While Marilyn, a professional seductress, player and idol of many men can get away with such statements, most women can’t. Men don’t get any idea of your BEST yet, but can already worry about your WORST.

4. Sounding like desperate, depressed, needy or controlling. Most men look for someone to ENJOY the life with, not to SUFFER with. Would you like to date yourself? Steer curiosity about you with a hint of a fun life they could have with you.

5. Writing too much. Keep it light, give a few highlights about yourself and save the most for later. Men will anyway first look at your picture, whether you look sympathetic, whether you smile, and only later they might become interested in your life story.

A good dating profile can make a difference in the number of the men that want to meet you and increase  the chances that you will like one of them. To find out how to write an eye catching bio and other dating tips, download my free e-book

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Zady was looking at me confidently across the table on our first date and nonchalantly complimented on my figure. He started to draw a picture of an adventure I could experience with him. It included slightly illegal things that are only allowed in Amsterdam. As a music producer it was normal for him to get occasionally into a creative state of mind or in other words “high”.

He presented himself as a successful fun person, who had a lot of women interested in him. However he only spends time with high quality people “like me” because he has no time to waste.  I was supposed to be impressed by this statement.  While he was putting up his show, I was amused by him.

He didn’t expect what came next.

He asked me about my book I mentioned during our online chat. “What is the book* about? “

I said: “I am writing about two kinds of women and their different results in life.”

The first group of women are nice, caring, supportive, hardworking, loving, selfless and compassionate but don’t seem to be able to get what they want and deserve.  Their partners don’t give back as much as they think they deserve.

The second group can easily get the men to do anything they want. They use charm, flirting, flattering and later manipulations and threats to get what they want.  Men are excited and would bring the blue sky just to be with these women.  Many times the women are quite cold and calculative and show minimum compassion.  They are very self-centered and don’t care about anybody else but themselves.

Note: * Referring to book “Tune in your Mindful Diva”

Player caught in action

As I finished my description, Zady slid down the chair as if he wanted to hide under the table, became slightly pale and said.  “I feel like naked in front of you, like you know everything about me. I am like the second group. That’s how I treat women.”

From that point on, he dropped his act and started to behave like an equal friend. He was impressed and slightly uncomfortable. It was clear we were not going to date, but he found me fascinating and wanted to stay in touch. He even thought of some acquaintance of his who could be a good match for me since I was looking for a REAL relationship.

Who is playing who?

After that he opened up and shared a story. He was always the one who broke girls’ heart, never call them back after having sex and the more they cared, the less interest he showed.  The story repeated until one day. He met a beautiful woman in Hungary, who carried him away into her magic world. She took him around the special places of Budapest, spent a fantastic and a passionate weekend with him. She was different than all the other girls. There was something special about her, so much confidence and independence.

He really fell for this woman and wanted to be in a relationship with her. But she was a player too. She dropped him like the dirty socks and never returned his calls. The relationship finished as fast as the weekend.  He really missed her. For once he knew how it was to be played.

How to spot a player

Players are generally very confident, smooth talkers and sociable. They pay attention to details about the woman, give compliments and take action towards the physical contact. They make the woman feel special and noticed. They figure out what do you want and become just that until they have you. They have the image of the ideal lover, with the hint of danger and adventure.

On the inside however, they are only interested in themselves and their benefits.  After they got what they wanted (sex, money or other advantages), they move on without any remorse.

Some women know they are always attracted to the wrong guys, but they can help it. If that is your case, see the title “HELP!  – I am always attracted to the bad guys” in my free e- book “Four steps to attract Mr. Right”

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Good guys

During the same period I had another date.  The man arrived way early and was waiting for me in front of the restaurant.  He had a big smile when we met and acted as a gentlemen. As he sat across the table, he got a bit nervous. Clearly he hasn’t been seeing too many women in his life.

We had a nice conversation, here and there was a quiet moment. He seemed down to earth and sincere, not trying to impress me by some fake stuff.  At the end of the evening he didn’t try to kiss me, but really wanted to arrange a second date.  He was polite and not pushy at all. I felt like I could relax with him and drop the self-protective mode. I was so relaxed that I actually didn’t think this could lead to anything more. He was just too sweet.

Are good guys too nice for their own bad?

Women are attracted to men who are “manly”, show some decision skills and confidence. While we live in liberated world, women still want their man to protect them in case of some physical danger or to suggest a clear direction. When the man is too sweet,  woman cant feel that she can rely on him in tough situations. Ideal is when your man can be sometimes a sweet teddy bear to hug you,  strong and playful bear to turn you on and another times rough grizzly to protect his family.

On our second date, my sweet man got his confidence back, made me laugh by his witty comments and shared his life visions that impressed me. Only then I started to think of him as a potential partner. He turned out to be much more than just a good guy. He is the greatest man I met and the love of my life.  He still surprises me with his broad spectrum of interests and knowledge and now I can truly appreciate how sweet he is.

How to spot a good guy

Good guys need more time to impress you, they have to build up their image over a period of 2-3 dates, in case they care about you.  If they are not interested, they can be at their best already on the first date, similar to players. When people don’t care about the outcome, they can be much more relaxed and more confident.

If your first date is quite nervous, take it as a good sign. If you like him at least a little bit, give him another chance to show you what he is about. Notice whether he is willing to do some things for you that might be inconvenient for him. Selfish men would not bother too much for a specific woman, when they can get another one instead.

While being a good guy is a good start for a relationship, it is not enough by itself.

Read about Three dimensions of an intense relationship in the chapter  “Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong – How to get to know each other” in my e-book. Check out more dating tips and see how easy is it to enjoy a nice date!

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