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When you or your spouse decide to initiate a divorce, your next moves may be guided by the emotions of a decision that many would consider challenging. You may look to put physical distance between you and your spouse by moving out, or you may ask your soon-to-be ex-spouse to do so.

You may engage in many types of unhealthy behaviors in an effort to cope. These types of behaviors can cost money, and during the divorce process, money and assets are two things that you need to keep an eye on, which is why you need to be making financially smart decisions.

Hire a financial advisor

In addition to employing a family law attorney, equipped to represent your unique interests as both a man and a father, it may be beneficial for you to also call upon the efforts of a financial advisor, in order to outline the realistic financial situation that you may be facing and to outline how to recover from the financial losses that divorce creates.

A financial advisor is equipped to aid in two of the more complex areas of asset distribution: the division of retirement benefits and settlement structure in a tax-advantageous manner, according to Cordell & Cordell Co-Founder and Principal Partner Joseph E. Cordell.

By having a financial advisor present in the discussion of financial documents with your family law attorney, you are setting yourself on a better financial path heading into post-divorce life. Having a financial advisor involved in the process is a proactive step in saving money long-term.

If you own a business that you started prior to the marriage and know that there is a percentage of the business that your wife is entitled to, you can meet with a financial advisor before you meet with opposing counsel and your soon-to-be ex-spouse, in order to determine amounts beforehand.

Because these numbers were reached by an experienced financial professional, they will not only have more credit behind them, but will make the process quicker and smoother. You will be able to have a clear picture of your financial future and create a plan to help you save money moving forward.

Having a financial plan after divorce is vital to your financial well-being. One innovative way of going about this is to change the way that you go about saving money.

Saving money

According to recent research published by the Association for Psychological Sciences, changing the way you think about the passing of time is crucial to changing the way you save money, especially after a divorce.

Many view time linearly: from past to present to future. In order to save, you may have to consider thinking about time cyclically. If you think about time like you do seasons of the year, each including small and large life events, the ebbs and flows of time caused 82 percent of those in the research to save more than those who viewed the passage of time linearly.

It is not just about the way you save money. After a divorce, how you spend money matters. With elements left over from the divorce, such as alimony or child support, still in play, it is important to monitor how you spend your money.

Budget your money

When you are married, you may have two incomes flowing into the household. This can create a level of financial comfort that promotes the psychological concept known as money illusion. Money illusion entails individuals having an illusory picture of their wealth and income based on nominal dollars, rather than actual terms that take into account the level of inflation in the economy.

Money illusion can reveal itself after a divorce through the form of expensive purchases, which often are shown off on social media. If your ex-spouse does this, how the money was acquired, in order to make the expensive purchase, can cause the accusation of hiding an asset to occur.

This is why it is so vital to monitor what you put onto social media. It can be a resource in educating yourself on the whereabouts of your soon-to-be ex-spouse during the process, but it also can harm your overall case, making it a decision that can cost you legally and financially.

House and mortgage

You also need to monitor the state of your house. Ideally, you would have never left your family home, because of the legal ramifications to your divorce and child custody case.

Leaving the marital home does not look good. From a legal perspective, it looks like you are abandoning the family and could cause you to lose ground in your child custody case. If you have left the family home, you can return, so long as the court has not assigned exclusive control and possession of the marital residence to your ex-spouse or an order of protection has not been filed against you.

In addition to the home and its effects on the child custody arrangement, the mortgages that the marital home has are subjected to the effects of divorce. This may force you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse to sell the marital home, in order to refurbish some of the losses taken during the divorce. You do not want to be playing “hot potato” with that solvent of an asset.

Any potential sale may not have anything to do with the losses sustained during the divorce, but rather, the mortgage payments themselves. The payments may have been manageable with two incomes coming into the household, but with only one income sustaining the financial well-being of the household, the payments may be too much.

Not only do you face ramifications from a property division and a child custody perspective, but divorce also can affect the ways your taxes shake out.

Cordell & Cordell understands the concerns men face during divorce.
Tax ramifications

If you are selling the marital home, you need to consider the taxes levied onto the profit of the sale, the capital gains tax, as well as Internal Revenue Code 1041, or IRC 1041. The two concepts are linked. Capital gains tax includes paying taxes on the profits of selling the family home during a divorce, and IRC 1041 states that no gain or loss is recognized on a transfer of property from a spouse or a former spouse to a spouse or former spouse, if the transfer is incident to the divorce, according to the American Bar Association.

Monitoring how any potential transfer or sale of property affects your taxes is a smart financial decision and will allow you to get a better sense of where you fiscally stand before, during, and after tax season.

Monitor your credit

Whether it is a sale, a transfer of property, or a mortgage issue, all of these concepts can affect your credit, and during the divorce experience, your credit, as well as the credit of your soon-to-be ex-spouse may be examined, in an effort to analyze both of your financial whereabouts and possibly prove detrimental behavior.

During this time, a financial advisor may ask that you order credit reports and go through the process, in order to show yourself to be a financially responsible individual. Once all of your accounts and the accounts of your soon-to-be ex-spouse are out in the open, you can begin to separate them as best as you can, while freezing any joint accounts.

You also have to make sure that your soon-to-be ex-spouse is no longer listed as an authorized user of any of your accounts, so they no longer have access. Any joint loans may need to be refinanced, in order to reflect the change in income flow, and you may need to monitor the amount of debt that you take on during the divorce.

This is why the assistance of both a family law attorney and a financial advisor can be so beneficial. They can help you make the best legal decisions, as well as financial ones, so that moving forward, you are in the best position possible to recover from the challenges of the divorce process.

The post Making Financially Smart Decisions During the Divorce Experience appeared first on Men's Divorce.

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For dads, nothing is more important than their children. They are tasked with providing a stable and loving home for them, as well as being an active parent in their lives, regardless of a divorce or child custody situation.

Fatherhood is a responsibility that should never be taken for granted, and being a father is a unique role that no one else can fill. Fathers sacrifice so much to be the constant presence in their child’s life, forging bonds that can never be broken.

On behalf of Men’s Divorce, as well as our sponsors at Cordell & Cordell, we would like to take a moment and offer our profound thanks for everything that fathers do to honor those bonds and create loving and stable homes for their children to thrive in.

Thank you for making a difference in lives of your children. Whether you are single, divorced, separated, or married, you are a father dedicating your life to make sure that you child succeeds, and we wish you the happiest of Father’s Days!

Cordell & Cordell Happy Father's Day 2018 - YouTube

Wrestling with Father’s Day Expectations After Divorce

Reinforcing Credibility on Father’s Day

Father’s Day is Your Day

The post Happy Father’s Day from Men’s Divorce appeared first on Men's Divorce.

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Men's Divorce by Daniel Pearce - 1M ago

As hard as it may be to imagine, there are fathers unable to spend Father’s Day with their children. If you are a father who has the opportunity to celebrate the special holiday celebrating the active role you inhabit in your child’s life, you need to take full advantage of the opportunity.

As a divorced dad, your relationship with your co-parent may include a lot of history that can be clouded by your emotions. When you are looking for an end result, it is important that you allow civility to win, setting aside the events of the past and how you feel, in favor of doing what is in the best interest of your children, as well as yourself.

Co-parenting and communication

That means attempting to forge a co-parenting dynamic. As challenging as it may be, days like Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are important reminders of what it means to fill those roles, and as long as the children are not in danger, allowing your co-parent to celebrate their day with your shared children is an excellent way of extending the olive branch and forging a better co-parenting relationship.

That being said, this requires cooperation from your co-parent, as well as them recognizing that just as Mother’s Day is their day to celebrate with the children, Father’s Day is yours. While that may not be easy, arguing and escalating the conflict is not necessarily the most effective way of achieving your end goal in this situation.

You need to calmly and rationally help them understand that this is not just something celebrated within their familial unit. This is a national institution that occurs every June, surprising no one.

In an ideal world, you would be able to work with your co-parent to make sure that they had the opportunity to spend Mother’s Day with the children, and you would be able to spend Father’s Day with them.

Active, despite obstacles

However, the ideal situation does not always exist, requiring the assistance of your family law attorney. He or she can help you get the child custody agreement reassessed, so that the parenting plan can reflect your ability to spend Father’s Day with your children.

Wanting to spend Father’s Day with your children is no more of a selfish act than your co-parent wanting to spend Mother’s Day with them. It is not about the day itself. It is about what it means.

It means that you are a devoted parent who has remained active in the lives of your children, despite the obstacles, that divorce and child custody situations can create.

It means you have spent the time and energy teaching your child life lessons and had the opportunities to forge deeper bonds with your child than many parents who were unable to spend time with their children, either due to the difficulties of their child custody situation or because of parental alienation causing their children to no longer desire a relationship with them.

Cordell & Cordell understands the concerns men face during divorce.
Problems with parental alienation

In cases involving parental alienation, the concept of Father’s Day can be a bit more complicated, especially from the child’s perspective. They may stop acknowledging Father’s Day or may dread its coming, due to the feelings that it elicits from their changed perspective.

You or someone you know may be facing these types of circumstances, and for them, it is important that they seek the help of a mental health professional, who is trained to provide to them the assistance that they need during this difficult time.

They also need to avoid giving up on their child all together. As challenging as it may be, your child is too important for you to give up on. Reintegration therapy is an excellent method of combatting parental alienation and giving you the opportunity to spend Father’s Day with your child for many more years to come.

Your day

You should not obsess over the notion that this is your day, but do not allow anyone tell you that it is just another day. You have given yourself to provide a stable, loving home for your child, and just because your child has two of them with two separate parents, does not diminish your contribution.

You cannot allow the emotional weight of divorce or child custody challenges to paralyze you and prevent you from being the parent that you want to be or celebrate the day honoring your parenthood. Through remaining an active and loving part of your child’s life, you have earned that right.

The post Father’s Day is Your Day appeared first on Men's Divorce.

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In many cases throughout popular media, fathers can be portrayed without an ounce of credibility for the amount that they contribute to the lives of their children. Whether it is Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin, dads can come off as yet another child that the mother of the household is forced to raise, and while there may be situations where this could be occurring, the more truthful scenario is far from these types of portrayals.

As a dad who has experienced a divorce, you may have wondered during discussions regarding child custody, if stereotypes regarding the credibility of fathers as parents influence any bit of the process, and while the Tender Years Doctrine has long since been rendered invalid by the law, its influence still can be felt in the family court system.

Unjust presumption

The presumption within the doctrine furthered the stereotype that women were to be the caretakers of the children and that their place was at home with them, and this stereotype is not only outdated based on the advances that women have made within the constructs of society, but it also undercuts a man’s ability to be the caretaking parent that his child needs.

You may have felt this presumption, which is why it is so vital for fathers to have a family law attorney by their side who understands the stereotypes that pervade the family court system. You need an attorney who is best able to represent your rights as a parent and look out for your future and the future of your children.

The idea that men should be relegated to a lower level of respect as a parent is based on the same premise that wanted women to stay home and raise the children. Both notions disrespect the individual and promote archaic roles in the family dichotomy.

Research, legislative efforts speak volumes

In fact, recent research suggests that stay-at-home fathers are on the rise. According to the Pew Research Center, the number of fathers who do not work outside the home is approximately 2 million, as of 2012. This is a dramatic increase from the 1.1 million that it was, as of 1989.

Additionally, father-only households also are increasing. According to the 2017 America’s Families and Living Arrangements data published by the United States Census Bureau, the percentage of children living with one parent, and that parent being their father, saw an increase from 12.5 percent in 2007 to 16.1 percent in 2017.

In order to help facilitate the rights of fathers in child custody cases, advocacy groups and politicians have lobbied many states to make shared parenting a standard, except for cases where neglect, abuse, or criminal activity are involved.

More than 20 states, including Michigan, Illinois, Kansas, and Missouri have considered laws promoting shared parenting and an updated standard in child custody proceedings, and Kentucky was able to pass the law, promoting the rights of both parents in the life of their shared child.

With all of this data and change taking place at the state level, you would think that especially during Father’s Day, you, as a father, may be given a little bit of credit for the role that you play as an active parent in your child’s life.

Cordell & Cordell understands the concerns men face during divorce.
Credibility and communication

You are able to communicate with your child, asking them how they are feeling and monitoring how they are adjusting to their new set of circumstances. Depending on a child’s age and maturity, they may be responsive to your inquiries and can help reestablish a new normal in their lives.

You are able to provide for them financially, allowing them the ability to thrive when they are with you. Through those means, you are able help them with their Father’s Day plans and give them the opportunity to celebrate this day with you.

Depending on your child custody arrangement and parenting plan, you may be able to give them the opportunity to show you how much you mean to them and how important you are in their life. You may have expectations for the day, and that is understandable, especially in a society that puts such an emphasis on the appreciation for mothers on Mother’s Day and fathers on Father’s Day.

As long as you do not allow those expectations to affect your interactions with your child or drive you into conflict with your co-parent, you should be able to forge an excellent Father’s Day celebration for yourself and for your children.

The post Reinforcing Credibility on Father’s Day appeared first on Men's Divorce.

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When you are a divorced father, you hope to be as present in your child’s life as possible. You want to remain active and devoted to them and their needs. You want to be able to help them with their homework and help them study for an upcoming test. You want to be able to shoot hoops with them and go to their games, cheering loudly from the stands.

When Father’s Day rolls around, you want to be able to spend as much time with your child as humanly possible. Unfortunately, expectations do not always match up with the unfortunate reality that can come with managing a post-divorce child custody situation.

Whether it is Father’s Day or not, what you, as a father, wish to do with your child on any given day and what you may be allowed to do, depending on the child custody agreement and parenting plan, can be two entirely different things.

Fighting for your child

When it comes to child custody, fathers often are given the short end of the stick, which is why when the divorce process starts, it is vital that you contact a family law attorney that focuses on the rights of men and fathers and understands their unique needs.

Law firms, like Cordell & Cordell, are known for advocating fathers and their rights to be parents in the lives of their children. In addition to the initial divorce and child custody agreement, they are able to address modification on aspects like child support or parenting time and help you and other fathers fight for your future with your children in mind.

Limited custody and parental alienation

If you are a father without custodial rights or with limited custodial rights, your expectations of what it means to be a parent and to be a part of their child’s life are limited and have been tapered by litigation rulings. You want something as simple as a phone call or an email on the day designed to promote your place in your child’s life, but unfortunately may not get it.

Your child may have fallen victim to parental alienation and may no longer see you as the father they love and cherish. Your co-parent may have decided that they are the only parent your child needs and have decided to sway their opinion of you, in order to cut you out of your child’s life.

You and your child are forced into this trauma, and it can take time to recover from. There are forms of therapy designed to combat the unhealthy and harmful effects of parental alienation, so that one day, you and your child may be given the opportunity to celebrate Father’s Day properly. Do not give up hope.

Fighting for your child can force you to reassess your lowered expectations and allow yourself to acknowledge a sense of hope; that you will get to spend some time with your child on Father’s Day.

This can be a difficult hope for some fathers to wrestle with, given the amount of time that they have lost with their child, as well as the amount of times they have most likely been promised time with their child, only for that time to be taken away.

Cordell & Cordell understands the concerns men face during divorce.
Shared parenting

However, you may have a better report with your co-parent than those fathers. You may be able to be civil and have a mutually polite conversation, where the emotions and history of the past do not dictate how the conversation goes.

Your co-parent may have a better grasp of what spending Father’s Day with your child means to you and is willing to work on ways of making that happen.

You may not be there quite yet with your co-parent, but you both can recognize how the other feels about your shared child. You can treat your co-parent like a business partner and avoid conflict, especially in situations where the child is present. Through behaving with a sense of respect for one another, you and your co-parent will be able to communicate better and facilitate the needs of the child more efficiently.

Having this type of relationship with your co-parent will allow you to set a normal set of expectations for Father’s Day, giving you the opportunity to spend the holiday with your child worry-free.

The post Wrestling with Father’s Day Expectations After Divorce appeared first on Men's Divorce.

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It starts with a tense discussion in public. You may find yourself having these more and more often with your spouse, and every time they happen, it leaves your mental state in a constant state of desperate panic.

You hear the whispers from other people, who do not know what you go through on a regular basis. They do not know what is going through your mind as you face constant beratement, making you feel less than human and unworthy of the love of another. They do not know what these types of moments, whether in person or within the confines of your own head, do to your self-worth, your self-esteem, or your mental state.

For many, this is the beginning of anxiety. This is a constant state of facing unease, worry, panic, nervousness, judgment, tenseness, or any other symptom that may manifest, as a direct result of the challenges taking place in your deeply damaged marriage.

These are moments not worth experiencing, and while it may seem that because you are married, you do not have any options, you do. You have the option to seek a better life for yourself. You have the option of not allowing the constant beratement to define your daily life. You have the option of avoiding the mental traps of anxiety and inaction and seeking a way out of an unhappy union.

Seeking help

This requires seeking help; both from a mental health perspective and a legal perspective. Luckily, family law attorneys are equipped with the resources to make recommendations for mental health professionals in your area best suited for your anxiety needs.

They also understand what men and fathers need most during the divorce experience. They understand some of the challenges that they may have faced during the course of their marriage and are ready to assist you in your quest to bettering your future.

Anxiety and questions

That may not come as easy as you assume, especially with how debilitating marriage and divorce-related anxiety can be. There are many moments during the process that may feel like “one step forward, two steps back,” according to The Huffington Post.

These types of moments and the amount of fear involved in the divorce experience can make many question whether or not living a life without the anxiety of a dysfunctional marriage is really worth it. They begin to think about their potentially financially-bleak future or how a divorce may potentially affect their children, and they wonder if it is all worth it.

The truth is very different than the conclusions anxiety may lead you to. The truth is that you cannot function in a career, nor be the active and loving parent that your children need, with a damaged marriage still hanging over your head and causing debilitating anxiety.

Cordell & Cordell understands the concerns men face during divorce.
Taking control

You need to have courage and take that scary step toward a future without the judgment of others, especially your soon-to-be ex-spouse. You have to do what is right for you and not worry about any of the stress that may come as a result.

The stress of the actual divorce process can exacerbate the anxiety, making the utilization of a mental health professional a necessity. Your health and wellness is too important not to involve someone trained to provide a judgment-free environment designed only to help you.

You need to take an active role in your therapy experience, and that starts with accepting help. Some look to solving every problem for themselves, but in order to stay engaged in the process, you need to remain humble and willing to sort through the mental and emotional issues you face, alongside a mental health professional.

You need to understand that your anxiety is unique to your experience, and just like any health-related issue, results take time. You cannot expect to go into your first therapy session and come out completely better. You need to work at it and build upon each session.

The aftermath

After the divorce is finalized, you still may feel anxious around your ex-spouse, and if you share children together, it may resurface periodically. However, you also have to understand that just as you love your children and wish to remain an active and engaged part of their lives, so does your ex-spouse. Accepting that fact will help you take steps to form a better co-parenting relationship than the dysfunctional dynamic that existed in your former marriage.

You need to take care of yourself and put yourself first. While you may have gone through the divorce experience and still may be in a recovery period, neither the act of getting a divorce nor any subsequent mental or emotional issues you may be facing define who you are. You get to decide that.

The post Leaving Anxiety Behind After Divorce appeared first on Men's Divorce.

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For many, leaving your marriage is the light at the end of the long tunnel. It has been so long since you last felt the freedom of not having to deal with the toxicity of an unhappy and dysfunctional relationship. You feel like you can finally breathe again.

As the discord in your relationship got worse and worse, you may have felt more and more trapped by the ring that was on your hand. What may have started as a disagreement here and there has spiraled into an unrecognizable and unsustainable dynamic that has broken your spirit and made you wish for it all to be over.

No regrets

This is not a bad thing. It is important to honor your feelings after your divorce and view them as part of your individual recovery process. Some legitimately do not need the closure that others require. You need to know that even though you may not feel regret in any of your decisions during the course of the breakdown of your marriage, as well as your subsequent divorce, you are justified in your sentiment, based on your perspective.

You may be like many living without regretting your decision to divorce. The unhealthiness of your relationship gave you the opportunity to seek other options, and you were able to partner with a family law attorney who understands your unique needs and the unique needs of men and fathers in general during the divorce experience.

Your experience may have featured such rampant discord that you may see the act of divorce as an act of mercy. The end of the marriage allows you and your ex-spouse to remove one another from the poisonous environment and create better lives for yourselves.

Expression and legal issues

Many avoid publicly expressing regret for the marriage entirely in instances when children are involved. Devoted and active parents love their children and want to continue to be present parents in their lives. In theory, the act of getting a divorce can create two separate environments and homes for the shared children to thrive in, under the guidance of the individual parents.

However, with child custody arrangements and child support, things are rarely simple. Many times, one parent will feel like they know what is best for the child and that the other parent does not, causing a child custody fight to break out.

This is when it is vital to have a family law attorney who understands the challenges the fathers face in family court. They understand the stereotypes that pervade the family court system and know how to best represent your rights as a parent.

Once the child custody agreement, the child support agreement, and the parenting plan all are ironed out, you can focus on your future, and while that future is full of potential, it also includes moments where you may be forced to confront aspects of the past.

Cordell & Cordell understands the concerns men face during divorce.
Revisiting the past

While you may not regret your decision to divorce, nor regret anything that occurred during the course of your divorce, it is beneficial to your children if you attempt to communicate and co-parent with your ex-spouse. As difficult as it may be to speak to them or reason with them on certain issues, this is not done for you. It is for them, because they need the love and support of both of their active parents.

You also may be forced to readdress your decree through the act of modification. While you may not regret getting a divorce, there may be parts of your divorce decree that you wish to revisit and change. You may feel like you are paying too much in child support or in alimony.

This requires you to refocus your attention, in order to allow for the best financial future for yourself and for your children. This does not mean you love your children any less. You and your co-parent cannot be loving and engaging parents if one parent is sending the other into poverty through the amount of child support that they are required to pay.

Focusing on you

If you are one who tends to look back on past events, a past marriage can be filled with mixed emotions, but if regret is not among those emotions, do not dwell on its absence. Instead, return your focus to your future and the potential of your post-divorce life.

You have the ability of focusing on yourself and your health and wellness. You can hit the gym, meal prep, and become a better version of yourself. You can revert your previously distracted attention back to your career and do the best job that you can. You can meet someone new and form stronger, healthier relationships. You can do all of this without regretting your decision to end what was broken and start something new.

The post Navigating a Lack of Regret in the Divorce Experience appeared first on Men's Divorce.

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There is a question that you may be asking yourself after your divorce is finalized. It is a question that many who go through the process ask themselves when assessing their emotional state.

“Why wasn’t I enough?”

Whether that question pertains to infidelity that may have occurred during the course of your marriage or the sustainability of the marriage in general, many are forced to deal with feelings of inadequacy after the divorce decree is finalized, and life after divorce begins.

You may be among them, replaying moments in your mind that may have indicated that an affair was taking place. You may be reliving arguments or traumatic moments that made you feel less than. You may feel like you will never be good enough for anyone, leading you to fear future commitment.

The damage to your self-esteem can lead to a variety of mental health issues, that can put your life at risk. You may no longer have the same level of confidence that you once did, and you may find yourself secluding yourself more than usual.

These are all common responses when confronted with the question, regarding being “good enough.” You may wonder if your ex-spouse ever considered you “good enough,” or if their standards of someone who is “good enough,” will ever be met.

External judgment

Whether it was something external like the amount of money you make, the job you have, the size of the marital house, the quality of the car in the garage, or something arbitrary like that, you should not allow your ex-spouse’s opinion of these types of things influence your self-worth, especially in your post-divorce life.

By allowing the inadequacy they made you feel during your marriage to dictate your current self-worth and impact your self-esteem, you are giving them power. You are allowing them to dictate your future, beyond the financial and custodial restraints of alimony, child support and a limited parenting plan that your divorce may have imposed upon you.

Finding help

By finding recovery methods for the feelings you may have had during the course of your difficult marriage and challenging divorce, you are taking an active role in your post-divorce recovery, just as you are by contacting your family law attorney and getting aspects of your divorce decree, such as alimony, parenting plans, and child support modified.

You can take that step in the right direction and combat the influence of your ex-spouse by enlisting the help of a mental health professional. Therapy is a great way of engaging with the complex emotional tapestry of what you have been through and will help any case you have, regarding child custody and parenting plan modification moving forward.

You will be able to show that you have taken steps to improve your health and wellness and deserve to be a larger part of your child’s life.

Cordell & Cordell understands the concerns men face during divorce.
Perceived incompetence

When you were experiencing these feelings of inadequacy, there may have been a sense of incompetence in your role as a spouse that was ascribed to you. While some may state that because your marriage ended in a divorce, one or both of you could be construed as incompetent in what you vowed to be to one another, those that do, were not a part of the unhappy marriage and do not have the proper context to ascribe an accurate sentiment onto either one of you.

Just because you went through the divorce experience, it does not mean you are incompetent and incapable of finding someone new in your life. You have the ability to recover and grow beyond what you experienced in your marriage and during your divorce.

Criticism and precedent

We, as human beings, can be our worst critics and make ourselves feel inadequate, worthless, and overall terrible. Given how long you may have been unhappy in your marriage and how much mental and emotional abuse you may have experienced, you may be more susceptible to buying into those sentiments.

However, it is important to realize that buying into those sentiments sets a precedent. If you are willing to buy into the perceptions that your ex-spouse, who has their own agenda, ascribed to you, then what other aspects of the identity that you carry into your post-divorce life are you willing to let be defined by your ex-spouse?

You cannot allow how your ex-spouse saw you to be how you see yourself. Your identity after a divorce should not be defined by the divorce itself, nor the feelings of your ex-spouse. You are better than those.

The post Coping with Feelings of Inadequacy After Divorce appeared first on Men's Divorce.

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Trouble in a marriage does not always come from out of nowhere. For some, trouble can always exist, even before a couple says “I do.” It can exist in the way they interact, in the way they think of one another, and even in the way they feel about one another.

You would hope that before someone goes through with a marriage, they have properly assessed whether or not they love the other person, but that is not always the case. Even worse, it can make you want the person who just is not that into you, all the more.

The study

A study published in the academic journal, Computers in Human Behavior, examined if uncertainty about a partner’s romantic interest can increase their sexual desirability, or if it decreases it.

Six sample groups engaged in different aspects of the study, focusing on communication and how interest can be uncertain, given the individual differences and the medium of communication.

The study revealed that relationship uncertainty had detrimental effects on appeal, only when participants were perceived as not being interested in the other party. Explicit expressions of romantic interest fostered certainty about the participants’ behavioral intentions, enhancing the appeal of the other party.

The results of those findings were replicated in established relationships, showing that partners’ regard predicted lower uncertainty. This was associated with greater perceived partner desirability and suggests that inhibiting desire serves as a mechanism aimed at protecting one’s self from investing in a relationship with an uncertain future.

Noticing the signs

This may help explain why you may have been attracted to someone not fully into you in the first place Some who project a sense of being uncertain about the future of the relationship can find themselves going through the motions and still making commitments, even with this sense of flightiness about them. They still may say “I do” and invest in a life with you without emotionally committing to the relationship to the same extent that you might be.

You may not notice it right away. They may be saying or doing all of the right things. They may be forming a life with you, working at their own job and adding a second income to the household. They may continue to be kind and generous to you, but not necessarily in the honest way that a spouse needs to be.

Facing hard truths

In order to fully grasp the difficulty in this hollow marriage you may be facing, you need to be honest with yourself. You need to compare and contrast the emotional vulnerability that you display to your spouse, to the emotional vulnerability that they display to you. You need to be able to ask yourself hard questions about your relationship.

Does it seem that your spouse is into you? Do they show it to you? Do they show it in front of others? Are they into you as much as you are into them? Do they seem committed to your marriage? Do you feel that they see your marriage as permanent?

After you have figured out the core, fundamental questions that plague your marriage and your relationship with your spouse, you may need to decide where to go from there. You know that you deserve someone in your life who is fully committed to you and the relationship that you have with them, but in order to find that someone, you have to enter the divorce process with your spouse.

Cordell & Cordell understands the concerns men face during divorce.
Contact your attorney

That means contacting a family law attorney equipped to represent you and your needs during this challenging and emotionally-draining time in your life. That means looking beyond the here and now and focusing on your future.

That means relying on them to help you navigate issues like alimony, child custody, child support, and anything else that may come up during a time of uncertainty in your life.

Speaking hard truths and moving on

After the hard conversations have begun, you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse are forced to confront the truth. This could end up being an argument that results in lasting emotional volatility beyond the end of the discussion. This could be a calm conversation, where hard truths are confronted and both you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse walk away on amicable terms. It simply depends on the individuals involved and the way you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse communicate with one another.

After the divorce is finalized, you may feel like you are now back to square one; that being in a relationship that was not emotionally honest was better than not being in any relationship at all. But it is not.

The truth of the matter is that the emotional honesty involved in having a partner in your life that is as into you as you are to them is too vital to ignore. You need that type of intimacy, in order to make your relationship and hopefully, marriage, sustainable.

Divorce is the ending of an unhappy and dysfunctional marriage, and a marriage cannot function, nor make you happy, without the emotional honesty of reciprocated levels of feelings. Moving forward, it is important to make time for those who make time for you and put forth the effort for those who do the same. Creating that level of accountability among potential romantic partners may limit options, but it will prevent you from entering into another emotionally dishonest commitment.

The post What To Do You Do When She’s Just Not That Into You appeared first on Men's Divorce.

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The divorce experience does not start the first time you walk in for your consultation with your family law attorney, and it does not end when the divorce decree is finalized. The length of time that it takes to go through the motions and settle the situation on a legal, financial, and emotional level requires constant management.

This may require your divorce to be a thought in your head more frequently than you would like. As difficult as it may be to deal with, it is important to ignore the urge that some develop to judge yourself for having to deal with everything involved in getting a divorce.

Understanding judgment

For many, their natural inkling when facing the aftermath of a difficult situation that they were a major part of is to judge themselves for every entering that situation in the first place. They look down on themselves and question their own thoughts processes, to the point that many develop a distrust for their own decisions.

They become unsure of themselves and what it means to make a major life decision. Some look to retreat to what is familiar, and for those that do, that may mean their parents or moving to their hometown, where they feel emotionally safe.

Manifestation of guilt

However, they still may be forced to deal with judgement coming from within. For those that do, it can manifest a level of guilt. After all, you may not be the only one who has to go through the emotional steps to recover from your divorce.

You may have family members or friends, who are forced to deal with the emotional fallout from the divorce you experienced and have to decide how to process it all. These types of relationships can change, and as a result, the internal judgment for yourself may be intensifying.

This type of judgment is not a constructive use of your time, and the effort that it takes to exert that judgment is not a constructive use of your feelings. Internalizing this level of blame is not healthy and does nothing to improve your situation moving forward.

Just because others may or may not be judging you for your divorce, does not mean you have to do the same. You do not have to engage in this type of emotional warfare, especially against yourself. You have enough tangible issues to deal with after your divorce is finalized that the amount of effort that you waste judging yourself is effort that could be placed elsewhere.

You may come from a religion, a culture, or a family that emphasizes the finality in saying “I do” to someone. They may not understand the circumstances that you were facing in your marriage and may have a problem with you having gone through a divorce.

This type of pressure coming from outside forces reinforces the self-judgment and breeds the guilt. You feel bad for having disappointed your religious beliefs, your cultural standards, or your family by ending an unhappy and dysfunctional marriage, and you feel bad for having to come to grips with how your divorce interacts with your religion, your culture, or your family.

Cordell & Cordell understands the concerns men face during divorce.
Processing and moving forward

Processing those emotions can be complicated, because you may not want to change your religious beliefs, ignore your cultural background, or disown family members. It may take assistance from a mental health professional, equipped with the knowledge and the background to help you navigate the intricacies of this situation.

While you may need assistance processing the emotions in the situation, taking the standards set by other avenues or family members to heart and allowing them to control how you treat yourself does not benefit your overall health and wellness and distracts your focus from the future that you are working toward.

Judging yourself for your being a part of a marriage that was unsustainable does not lead you to meeting someone new or reaching an emotional resolution, regarding your ex-spouse. You do not become a better person or a better future partner by doing that. You become entrapped by your own emotional actions.

You are choosing to judge yourself. While bad facts may exist in your case that may have prevented your divorce case from going the exact way you may desire, you are choosing to dwell and hold yourself accountable for something that has long since ended.

You need to be able to move on, and that starts with letting go of the guilt, the judgment, and all of the emotional baggage that may come with surviving a divorce. You need to embrace the freedom and potential of post-divorce life and create a new story for yourself judgment-free.

The post Avoid Judging Yourself for Your Divorce appeared first on Men's Divorce.

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