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You may feel that self-love is an overused and possibly cliche expression, but it’s essential to our emotional and physical well being, and it’s now proven by this most recent study. The study conducted by the University of Exeter and Oxford shows that being kind to yourself has mental and physical benefits. Without it, you will inevitably experience more difficulty to allow love into your life.

This is a crucial element in my Love.Smart Coaching programme, and being smart in love begins with how we consistently value, respect and honour ourselves and our needs first.

This is the perfect time to reflect and up-level your self-love habits, and in this guest blog, the lovely Michelle Peterson, founder of Recovery Pride.org shares her ideas for being your own Valentine if you’re single this year. Over to Michelle.

Valentine’s Day isn’t just for lovebirds. After my divorce two years ago, I didn’t want to ignore the holiday so I decided to turn it into a self-care day. I went to a museum and stopped by my favourite cafe. That night, I read a good book and wrote in my journal. 

It ended up being one of the most pleasant, stress-free days I’d had in awhile, and as I’m currently single, I’m looking forward to doing it all over again this year!

As someone who’s also in addiction recovery, I’ve learned Valentine’s Day can be a wonderful time to check in on your mental health. I want to inspire other singles to see it the same way! 

Being single at any holiday can be challenging in some respects, but it’s all in how you look at it.  While Valentine’s Day is traditionally thought of as a day for couples, it’s the perfect time for celebrating the most important person in your life - you!  Be sure to do something special for yourself. Here’s how to do that without overspending.

Time to treat yourself to that thing you want

Small indulgences are a wonderful treat, but why not kick up your heels a bit this Valentine’s Day?  This can be the perfect time to get that special something you set your heart on a while back but couldn’t justify purchasing, or put off so you could afford gifts during the holidays.  If your TV is outdated, you’re craving a new tablet, or a smart speaker is calling your name, you can save big bucks on electronics and other bigger ticket items by checking out big box stores; you can use Target coupons or check out Walmart's current deals.  It’s a smart way to add that just-out-of-reach item to your life, without blowing your budget.

Enjoy dining out

An evening out can be refreshing and fun, especially if you’re a single parent.  Friends and family members might have other things going on, but why not hire someone to watch your kiddos and get out on the town for a while?  Thanks to resources on the web, finding a trustworthy, responsible, and qualified babysitter close by is simpler than ever.  Of course, with a popular calendar date you need to plan ahead, since the best sitters get taken quickly. Look for someone you feel comfortable with, and, as Verywell Family points out, don’t hesitate to schedule a meet-and-greet to interview candidates.  Once you find the perfect sitter, plan your night out!  Look around to see which restaurants are offering holiday deals or that have fixed price menus. You can enjoy a great meal and sip an adult beverage while enjoying some “me” time.

Taking care of number one- You!

A little bit of self-care can go a long way.  Consider putting together your own pampering package for a spa-like celebration.  Soak in the lap of luxury with products that are not only enjoyable, but also kind to the environment and gentle on your body.  Everyday Health notes fragrance-free skin care selections are especially kind during harsh winter weather.  Burt’s Bees is a perfect example, and they offer something for everyone.  Assemble products for a pedicure, give yourself a refreshing facial, or take away the harsh effects of the season with restorative, head-to-toe skin care.  

A gift that keeps on giving

Good nutrition is a cornerstone for health, but in our busy world it’s tempting to grab what’s convenient and quick.  If you find yourself hitting the drive-through or eating frozen dinners a little more than you’d like, consider adding a healthy meal subscription service to your lifestyle.  It’s an efficient way to get good nutrition, and choosing a variety of meal options keeps things interesting. Blue Apron offers discounts off their packages and a broad selection, with everything from vegetarian meals to dinners for four.  You’ll look forward to your menu, cut grocery outings, boost efficiency, and engage an ongoing, nutritious diet, all in one fell swoop.  

Get out of town

When is the last time you took a trip?  Going for an adventure can revitalize your outlook, and you don’t need to spend a bundle to do it.  Consider celebrating Valentine’s day in a National Park.  It’s the off-season, but there is still plenty to see and do, from hiking, to sightseeing, to just engaging with nature.  If nature isn’t your thing, plan a trip to a shopping mecca, or take in some museums.  Wherever you go, you can stretch your travel budget by using sites like Hotelscombined or even AirBnB to ensure you have fun and save money.

Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to celebrate yourself.  Indulge in something that feels great, but doesn’t break your budget.  With a little planning, this can be the best Valentine’s Day you ever had.

Share with us what you will do to pamper yourself this Valentines Day in the comments below.

If you enjoyed this blog, you will also enjoy this blog about How to Make Self Love a Habit here.

To read more of Michelle’s articles and for more support especially if you are in recovery, visit her website here

Best Maria

Do you have a friend enjoy this blog. Please share it forward!

P.S If you would like support to begin dating again with confidence while honouring yourself each step of the way, why not schedule a complimentary loves.smart strategy call with me below, and discuss how I can support you to do that effortlessly.

LoveSmart Strategy Call

Let’s Ignite your New Chapter in Love

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GUEST POST by the Ladies at Slyfox Investigations

Be Smart in Love: 6 Signs You Might Be Sharing Your Man

You shouldn’t feel like you’re stuck in a grey area in your relationship. When love is true, it feels real and the status of the relationship is clear. If your relationship status is questionable, here are a few tips to help you quickly determine if your relationship is the real deal, or if you’re only the side chick……

1. Netflix And Chill Is Your Only Dating Option.

You want to leave the house, he wants to Netflix and chill- for every date. Don’t get us wrong, a Netflix and chill night is an awesome way to get close and comfy with your boo.

However, if your only dating option involves the living room sofa and a remote, that may be cause for concern. Is he cheating on you? Is he hiding you? Why won’t he take you out in public? Is he really just a couch potato or are you really only a side chick? Read on to find out……

2. He Cancels On You Last Minute.... A Lot.

If you find yourself constantly dining alone in a public place because he constantly cancels plans to meet you at the last minute, that may be a sign that you’re his side chick. If a man truly wants to be with you, he’ll make time for you- and he won’t cancel.  

As private investigators, we understand how frustrating this can be for our clients. This type of behavior can be very confusing, especially in new relationships. Start using a journal to keep track of how many times he cancels on you. Pretty soon you’ll start to see patterns that will help you make the appropriate decisions about the relationship. If a man truly wants to be with you, he’ll make time for you. If he doesn’t, he’ll make excuses.

3. Photos Are Not Allowed.

One of the biggest signs you may come across if someone is cheating on you is their hesitance to be photographed with you. If your man freaks out and flat out refuses to be photographed with you, chances are, he may be trying to hide the relationship. You, of course, want to show off your new boo; him, not so much.

Some men will allow you to take the photo under the condition that you are not allowed to post it on social media. Some men may actually have legitimate concerns regarding social media photos.

Perhaps he claims he’s against social media photos because he wants to prevent issues with his employer or his career. This may be true for wild, inappropriate photos. However, rarely will a man lose his job over a romantic embrace with the love of his life.  His “no photos please” policy may certainly be a cause to dig deeper as to the real reason behind his reluctance.  

4. You’ve Never Met His Parents Or Friends.

How long have you been dating? Long enough to have met his parents or at least a few of his friends? If so, you need to ask yourself exactly why you haven’t met them yet. When a man is already in a committed relationship and he decides to cheat, usually the side chick is kept far away from his family and friends. Many men who cheat want to have their cake and eat it too.

In order to do this, he’ll need to keep everyone in the dark about you, and in turn, he’ll need to keep you in the dark about them. Have you ever been to his house? Does he always have an excuse as to why you can’t come visit him at home? If so, this is a huge red flag. One of our licensed private investigators can help shed some light on this situation for you.

Our surveillance investigators routinely follow cheaters suspected of infidelity. We can follow him to determine if he is indeed living a double life. You haven’t met any of his friends or family? We can tell you if someone else has.

5. He's MIA For Major Holidays

If he is MIA on major holidays and won’t return phone calls or text messages during the holidays, chances are, you’re likely his side chick. Holidays are an important time in relationships.

Most lovers in real relationship relish the closeness and intimacy often brought about by time spent together on holidays. Holidays are special and you want to spend them with your partner. But if he coincidentally is never around for the holidays, that may be sign. Side chicks typically don’t get the privilege of spending the holidays with their lovers.

6. He’s Not Into Labels

He’s just not into labels, he says. There’s just no need to call you his girlfriend. Why not? If you’ve been dating for a while and he’s reluctant to claim you as his girlfriend, it’s time to question his reluctance. Perhaps he’s just not ready for a serious commitment; perhaps he can’t commit because he already has a girlfriend. Talk to him about the expectations of the relationship.

Communication is key. If he as made it clear that he is not looking for a long term relationship, don’t hang around trying to change his mind. Move on and find someone who is looking for the same level of commitment as you are. After all, you’re priority, not an option- and certainly not side chick material.

Always be Smart in Love.

This was a Guest Post by the amazing team at Fly Fox Investigations. www.slyfoxinvestigations.com

Sly Fox Investigations, is an award-winning, all female detective agency. They specialise in infidelity cases and have a wealth of knowledge about how players and cheats operate.  

Best

Maria

P.S. If you liked this article you will also love this interview I did with Dr Duana Welch Author of Love Factually, who shares you science backed insights into how Relationship Minded Men approach Dating and Commitment and how men who aren’t relationship ready will do. Read it and listen to it HERE

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I had the pleasure of talking with Dr Duana Welch, Dating an Relationship Expert and Author of Love Factually - 10 Proven steps from I wish to I do and her more recent release Love Factually for Single Parents and those dating them.

In this first of two conversations, Duana is sharing her insights, personal experience and solid advice about How Relationship minded men approach dating and commitment according to her own research.

You can listen to the Audio Version here.

What are some obvious and less obvious signs and behaviours that a woman should look out for to prepare herself when she’s dating

I have clients that are sending me the emails and texts from men they’re meeting online and they do that so that I can help them discern if a man is commitment-minded. Yesterday a client reached out and told me that a man had reached out appropriately. He didn’t just say nice pictures or how’s your day going? Because they’re not real contacts

The real contacts involve when a man has reached out with something more sincerely, that shows that he had actually read your profile.

She had replied, and he replied that he was just looking to make friends and to see what developed

This man isn’t looking for anything, he’s looking for a hookup and he’s telling you that.

He said who he was.

As Angela Mayou said

When someone tells you and shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

This man had shown who he was and we need to believe him the first time

My client said, “what do I do with this information?” The answer was nothing. He’s told you what he wants, so move on.

It’s so hard for women to do that. So many times and I remember this with my own search. My advice is based on science at the same time I remember my own search and I’m in it with my own clients now.

We know we’re ready for a relationship.

So many times instead of scanning for signs that he isn’t prepared, we’re grasping for any straw that he’s interested.

Women think he wrote to me so he’s prepared. But, look what he actually said.

So one thing is a commitment minded man will say commitment-minded things usually.

“I’m looking for a serious relationship”.

“I’m looking for a long term relationship”.

80% of my clients are male, and they’re looking for a wife and they don’t hesitate to say that they’re looking for a wife.

This idea that it’s a unicorn the guy who looking for commitment is not true.There are plenty of men who are looking for a serious relationship, and they won’t hesitate to tell you and they approach you in a serious way.Look out for how do they approach you.


Maria: I’ve coached women who have been in the position, where they’ve met a man who on the surface level meet the criteria, they’re charming, successful etc, and they are energetically attaching and investing but the man has told them “lets wait and see, I don’t know what I want”. And women are placing themselves in a “waiting” energy, for men to change their minds. What are your thoughts on this.

That's frequent with many of my heterosexual female clients. They take themselves off the market for men and make a man a priority who is viewing them as an option, not a priority.

Don’t allow yourself to prioritise a man more heavily than he is prioritising you.

Dr Shelley Taylor was able to find that women do something call tending and befriending.

We try to get on the same level as other people for example, I’ve asked you to call me Duana not Dr Welch but if I were a male I would most certainly tell you to call me Dr Welch but there’s a reason for that.

That’s a very common finding with men, they want to use their title, and  superior position not only professionally have across the board,

There are solid reasons for that, they tend to get more sexual opportunities from doing that so it makes sense that they try and do that,  - just like women leverage youth and beauty, it gets them more solid mating opportunities

Men aren’t bad to do that.

Women try to tend to exist on a more equal playing field with people. They talk to people behind us in the grocery store, whereas men don’t tend to do that

We befriend

Men don’t do that

They live in a hierarchy where there is a one up and one down in each situation want status on all things and they don’t want to make a permanent commitment or marriage with someone who is a level down, they want status in all thing that including their girlfriend of eventual wife.

Women think I better make him breakfast, I better have sex with him right away,  I better do the things that I know he wants, she’s thinking as if she were dating a woman.

Women know what they want when we’ve got it. It’s men who know what he wants when it's gone.

So when a woman makes a man a priority, the reason we’re doing that is that we befriend.

So if a woman put her mating psychology onto a man, looks after him when he’s sick, sleeps with him takes care of him she’s thinking I better do the things I know he wants

She’s thinking as though she’s dating a woman

So if he made us a priority we know he’s truly invested.

So instead of treating men like women,for women, you’re not dating women,

Instead of treating men as though they have your same mating psychology it’s a good thing to start by recognising that men don’t. Globally.

Every place in the entire world where this has been studied including in  Scandinavia, where they’ve taken care of a lot of the financial difference between m and women and they have a created a strong social safety net where hypothetically  women don’t need men to survive like we once needed. We find the largest sex differences there

These come from ancient times it’s in our ancestral history.

It's actually something that's there to help you.

So women what you’re looking for a man who is ready to commit is he will

Approach you in a confident forthright manner and shows you respect.. He’ll ask to spend time with you several days before spending time with you.

Unfortunately, there's a mating dance that we do, just like birds do to show their fitness, and humans do it everywhere in the world to show their fitness

Women, your role in this dance is, is to let him strut his stuff but to say I’m not quite available yet.

Say yes, but don’t be available more than once or twice a week right at first,.Let him strut his stuff, say yes I like your stuff but don’t be available at the last minute, every single time he wants to get together. Only see him a couple of times a week at the beginning

He needs signs of high status in order to attach.

So he may be ready but you have to show him that you’re high status.

He shows readiness by trying to monopolise your time and saying he loves you.

He has to show it too.

Because unfortunately, players have figured out that saying I love you, causes women to drop their draws really quickly so you can’t just trust that, you have to look for the signs

Other signs that he’s commitment minded are..

Has he given you jewellery a gift of significant financial value.

Men invest their wallets where they’ve invested their hearts. Has he given you something of significant value. Has he paid for the dates,

It isn’t about whether you can afford to pay for the dates, all our clients can afford to pay for the dates


Throughout all human historyMen have shown that they’re interested in more than just sex by offering resources without being asked for them.

Prostitutes ask for resources- I will give you this if you give me that

The difference in real relationships and prostitution is that there isn’t a quid quo pro. It isn’t about I’ll give you this if you give me that

That’s what you want in a man who is serious enough about you that he gives without knowing if there’s going to be a sexual return on the investment.

He gives to you, and it’s his pleasure.

Men tell me all the time, that when he’s going out with a woman they’re serious about he can’t do enough for them. That’s what you’re looking for a man who feels he can’t do enough for you

I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years, and he built me a new kitchen, I was telling him how much I love the counter tops, the sinks,  stove and by the way, a big key to show your high status is that you show joy and delight in the things you like about the man you’re dating

It's not being bitchy, it's having high enough standards and good esteem that he won’t take over your whole life.

Fake it till you make it

He said “do you really like it”. I said “I love it”.

He looked at me and said really sweetly and said “all I want is your happiness”.

Men who really want you, aren’t going to let you go

He really tried to get that first meeting with me, I said we were going for a walk, he took me for dinner

He asked me for the next weekend before I even thought about it.

If you’re wondering if he wants me, you have your answer right there.

You have to have enough faith in yourself, when you are in the presence of a man.

You won’t be everyone’s flavour of the month . There are plenty of men that didn't want me. That's ok

We’re not all a match.

That's what’s the special and unique about human mating,

We don’t match with everyone. We only match with a few people

But nurture and borrow my faith that you will meet a few people that you do match with that will want you like that.

He may not do some things, but he will do the important things.

He might not do this but does he want to introduce you to his friends and family?

Does he want to meet your friend and family?

Does he buy you small gifts – its how thoughtful it is not expensive?

Does he look for small ways to please you, it isn't about how expensive it is, it's about how thoughtful it is

I had a client who was dating a wealthy man. At Christmas he gave her an expensive necklace and said here!. He wasn’t into her. It didn’t mean anything.

He could buy an expensive necklace all day it was like a button off of his shirt.  

Then I've had other clients who were dating a man that picked them flowers on the side of the road, tied them up in a bow and wrote a love note with them and that what they got on valentines day and that was the guy, that’s what you’re looking for

Does he show love not just profess love?


When to let him go


Does he talk about a shared future together, does he ask to meet your people, does he ask for you to meet his people?

If you’re trying to have a conversation about a shared future, and he avoids it.

If you’re trying to get him to meet your people, and he doesn’t do the same.

If you’re trying to make a date and he's avoiding it, and not getting back to you.

Let him go.

Have more faith in your value than that.

Stop worrying about manipulating the guy into loving you, and start worrying more about whether this guy deserves you

It's funny I’ve had clients that were like a 10, the total package. Smart, Athletic, Drop dead Gorgeous, good degree, money, they have everything. And they’re settling for men.

I tell them look at me I’m almost 50, but in my mid 30’s with a diabetic child in tow, with medical needsI had 14 marriage proposals. I was never as pretty as you are.

How did that happen, because you have to show that you’re excited about this guy, but he can’t take over your life. Being with you is a privilege

You should always have that attitude,

Not in a snobby way. But In a way that I have a life going, I’m thrilled you want to be part of it, but you have to work your way in.

Even with Vic my husband. I didn’t stop seeing everybody else right away, and I told him that, he worked his way in, he showed me and proved it. He values that. He tells people how he worked to have me.

Four and half months later, we got engaged. We got together in September, proposed in No and married end of January.

We each had a cat, dog, mortgage kids and lived in different cities. He proposed after 4.5 months

He bought a house and planned a marriage and everything

I don’t advise that for very young people but we weren't very young. I had just turned 39, he just turned  52. We knew what we wanted. He was so clear about what he wanted

Do yourself the honour of believing your worth, and do men the honour of understanding they do want to marry the woman they think is right for them. and want to a committed relationship.

Most of them, there are men who are deeply ambivalent that they don’t know that, and you shouldn’t spend your time with them.

A man who says “Let’s just see where this is going”, or “I don’t know what I want”.

Tell him, “I really like you, you have a lot to offer, I’m looking for the right relationship if you change your mind let me know”

Almost all the stalkers in the world are guys but if a guy is interested in you, he will let you know

I went out with a guy who really screwed up and I stopped seeing in him. He found my mothers address, she lived in a different state. He wrote her a letter of apology about how he treated me so that I know how sincere he is.

You can’t stop a man who really wants you, from showing you that he really wants you

What is your advice for women who live in a small community or a place with a lack of available single men. I recommend they widen their opportunities to beyond their immediate location.

Well there are environments where there are more eligible women than men

For example, as we age, the pool of available men shrinks.. I don’t start telling my clients that there are plenty of fish in the sea.Here’s what we know about happiness based on science, happily married people are the happiest. The middle range is single people.

Being single for most people is pretty lonely. We get told we need to be happy by our selves but most of us aren’t.

It should be viewed as part of our human psychology that we need each other that's what the data indicates. The least happy people are the unhappily married people.

It makes no sense to settle for men you won’t be happy with.

Desirable men have more optionsIn other words, let's say there are ten women on an island. He wants the one woman who can live without him. He doesn’t want the nine women throwing himself at him,

A male client once said to me. When we're looking for a permanent partner we’re on the hunt, sexually for casual sex. We’re almost like lions so if the gazelle runs up to us, we don’t know what's wrong with that gazelle but there's something wrong with it.

They want to pursue

Part of what they get from persuing is the knowledge that you have high enough worth. Within yourself and high enough worth in your community that you can afford to wait for sex with your time.

You can’t afford to be mean

You can afford to say I’m sorry I already have something going on on Friday night free next week

Instead of cancelling plans with friends, or I have to babysit my sister's kids want to come?

No, let them think you’re on a date.

Men love to win the heart  when your high status.

I’ve had women who did all this and he disappeared anyway,

There is a large group of men who do this.

He just approaches and says “hi”, and does’t invest, what they’re showing you is low investment, and wants you to do the work.

He only wants to have sex.. If you have standards you will get rid of those men

It depends on how clear the woman is on her willingness to date more than one man at a time.

Men in their early 20’s aren’t sure what they want yet- spend time together but don't have sex.

You can let him know you're seeing other people.

Women are terrified of doing this but remember you’re not telling a woman this.

A woman would hear- “You're just an option, I’m playing the field, I'm a playboy and you wouldn't want to see him anymore”.

What men hear is “she’s desirable, other men are asking her out, I better move quickly if I’m serious about this”.

It provides a tipping point, you’re either worth the effort or not. It jettisons men who aren’t into you very quickly. If a mans is into you, it will tip him from uncertainty to falling in love.

You can end up a man whose a terrible flirt and playboy and you don’t do it by making him breakfast, spending all your time with him, while you're spending all your time with him while he decides and not have sex with him.

You do it by telling him you're spending time with other men but not having sex with him.

If you're having sex with him, he hears your being unfaithful.

He doesn’t hear you’re only having sex with him, he won’t believe that, because he’s imposing his own mating psychology on you right

If a guy is in his forties and still saying stuff like that,” I don’t know”, “I just want to see what's out there”, he’s not worth the time.

I remember dating a man who was 47, who was independently wealthy. He asked me out on a date, I said I’d be into seeing you,  I’d like to talk a little bit more but sure.

I said to him, “I barely know you and I'm not asking how you feel about me, but wondering  what are you looking for in general in a partnership?”

Don’t be afraid to ask this- what a man is looking for  – you don’t have to say with me, but generally.

So if someone is in their 30’s or 40’s and he doesn’t know, he’s either lying or he doesn’t want to tell you the answer which is  casual sex.

His answer was, “ what do you mean?”

Not a good answer.

Well I said “that at some point I’m looking to get married again, I’m not saying it to you because I don’t know you, but it is one of  my life goals”.

I was asking about his life goal vision

If I had been seriously dating him, and asked “do you want to get married someday” then it's chasing him and unattractive.

The fact that I don’t know him is what makes this attractive . He said “do I have to know that yet?”.

I said “no, but I’m clear on my life goals, so I'm going to say no to that date, and get off the phone now”.

He couldn’t believe it.

I said, “You're not clear on what you want and I am, and it's not compatible and I'm moving on”.


He looked like a perfect man, funny, charming, wealthy, accepted my kid. If he can offer you everything but commitment is that perfect? Stop making excuses for men who don’t want to give you that commitment


I had to tell a client last week. “You're going to make a wonderful wife because you’re putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own”. I do too now for Vic because we're married and he does that for me too.

It's appropriate I put my child's needs ahead of my own.


But don’t give a man wife level commitment when  not giving you girlfriend commitment. Lag behind until he gives you full commitment.


Women make the mistake of giving him a taste of what being together will feel like for him. But they think you’re kind of desperate- because they're status motivated


Should a woman ask a man what the status of their relationship is?

If he wanted you, you wouldn’t have to ask. In my new book, I include a letter from one woman who wrote to me. She had been going out with a handsome, tall attorney –with two kids. She wrote to me, and said he had never asked her if she would be his girlfriend or introduce her to his important people.

I had to say he's an attorney, he knows how to ask. Stop making excuses for men He knows how to ask for a commitment.

First of all, do you want to be with a man who is that dull?

This is an example of a man who doesn't want commitment. She told me that she confronted him about it, and he disappeared.

Date other people, and continue to do that until he says I’m only seeing you, and wish you would only see me too.

Fear is the motivator for men. Fear of losing you. That's the knowledge that you're dating other men

At least let..

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I had the pleasure of talking with Dr Duana Welch, Dating an Relationship Expert and Author of Love Factually - 10 Proven steps from I wish to I do and her more recent release Love Factually for Single Parents and those dating them.

In this first of two conversations, Duana is sharing her insights, personal experience and solid advice about How Relationship minded men approach dating and commitment according to her own research.

You can listen to the Audio Version here.

What are some obvious and less obvious signs and behaviours that a woman should look out for to prepare herself when she’s dating

I have clients that are sending me the emails and texts from men they’re meeting online and they do that so that I can help them discern if a man is commitment-minded. Yesterday a client reached out and told me that a man had reached out appropriately. He didn’t just say nice pictures or how’s your day going? Because they’re not real contacts

The real contacts involve when a man has reached out with something more sincerely, that shows that he had actually read your profile.

She had replied, and he replied that he was just looking to make friends and to see what developed

This man isn’t looking for anything, he’s looking for a hookup and he’s telling you that.

He said who he was.

As Angela Mayou said

When someone tells you and shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

This man had shown who he was and we need to believe him the first time

My client said, “what do I do with this information?” The answer was nothing. He’s told you what he wants, so move on.

It’s so hard for women to do that. So many times and I remember this with my own search. My advice is based on science at the same time I remember my own search and I’m in it with my own clients now.

We know we’re ready for a relationship.

So many times instead of scanning for signs that he isn’t prepared, we’re grasping for any straw that he’s interested.

Women think he wrote to me so he’s prepared. But, look what he actually said.

So one thing is a commitment minded man will say commitment-minded things usually.

“I’m looking for a serious relationship”.

“I’m looking for a long term relationship”.

80% of my clients are male, and they’re looking for a wife and they don’t hesitate to say that they’re looking for a wife.

This idea that it’s a unicorn the guy who looking for commitment is not true.There are plenty of men who are looking for a serious relationship, and they won’t hesitate to tell you and they approach you in a serious way.Look out for how do they approach you.


Maria: I’ve coached women who have been in the position, where they’ve met a man who on the surface level meet the criteria, they’re charming, successful etc, and they are energetically attaching and investing but the man has told them “lets wait and see, I don’t know what I want”. And women are placing themselves in a “waiting” energy, for men to change their minds. What are your thoughts on this.

That's frequent with many of my heterosexual female clients. They take themselves off the market for men and make a man a priority who is viewing them as an option, not a priority.

Don’t allow yourself to prioritise a man more heavily than he is prioritising you.

Dr Shelley Taylor was able to find that women do something call tending and befriending.

We try to get on the same level as other people for example, I’ve asked you to call me Duana not Dr Welch but if I were a male I would most certainly tell you to call me Dr Welch but there’s a reason for that.

That’s a very common finding with men, they want to use their title, and  superior position not only professionally have across the board,

There are solid reasons for that, they tend to get more sexual opportunities from doing that so it makes sense that they try and do that,  - just like women leverage youth and beauty, it gets them more solid mating opportunities

Men aren’t bad to do that.

Women try to tend to exist on a more equal playing field with people. They talk to people behind us in the grocery store, whereas men don’t tend to do that

We befriend

Men don’t do that

They live in a hierarchy where there is a one up and one down in each situation want status on all things and they don’t want to make a permanent commitment or marriage with someone who is a level down, they want status in all thing that including their girlfriend of eventual wife.

Women think I better make him breakfast, I better have sex with him right away,  I better do the things that I know he wants, she’s thinking as if she were dating a woman.

Women know what they want when we’ve got it. It’s men who know what he wants when it's gone.

So when a woman makes a man a priority, the reason we’re doing that is that we befriend.

So if a woman put her mating psychology onto a man, looks after him when he’s sick, sleeps with him takes care of him she’s thinking I better do the things I know he wants

She’s thinking as though she’s dating a woman

So if he made us a priority we know he’s truly invested.

So instead of treating men like women,for women, you’re not dating women,

Instead of treating men as though they have your same mating psychology it’s a good thing to start by recognising that men don’t. Globally.

Every place in the entire world where this has been studied including in  Scandinavia, where they’ve taken care of a lot of the financial difference between m and women and they have a created a strong social safety net where hypothetically  women don’t need men to survive like we once needed. We find the largest sex differences there

These come from ancient times it’s in our ancestral history.

It's actually something that's there to help you.

So women what you’re looking for a man who is ready to commit is he will

Approach you in a confident forthright manner and shows you respect.. He’ll ask to spend time with you several days before spending time with you.

Unfortunately, there's a mating dance that we do, just like birds do to show their fitness, and humans do it everywhere in the world to show their fitness

Women, your role in this dance is, is to let him strut his stuff but to say I’m not quite available yet.

Say yes, but don’t be available more than once or twice a week right at first,.Let him strut his stuff, say yes I like your stuff but don’t be available at the last minute, every single time he wants to get together. Only see him a couple of times a week at the beginning

He needs signs of high status in order to attach.

So he may be ready but you have to show him that you’re high status.

He shows readiness by trying to monopolise your time and saying he loves you.

He has to show it too.

Because unfortunately, players have figured out that saying I love you, causes women to drop their draws really quickly so you can’t just trust that, you have to look for the signs

Other signs that he’s commitment minded are..

Has he given you jewellery a gift of significant financial value.

Men invest their wallets where they’ve invested their hearts. Has he given you something of significant value. Has he paid for the dates,

It isn’t about whether you can afford to pay for the dates, all our clients can afford to pay for the dates


Throughout all human historyMen have shown that they’re interested in more than just sex by offering resources without being asked for them.

Prostitutes ask for resources- I will give you this if you give me that

The difference in real relationships and prostitution is that there isn’t a quid quo pro. It isn’t about I’ll give you this if you give me that

That’s what you want in a man who is serious enough about you that he gives without knowing if there’s going to be a sexual return on the investment.

He gives to you, and it’s his pleasure.

Men tell me all the time, that when he’s going out with a woman they’re serious about he can’t do enough for them. That’s what you’re looking for a man who feels he can’t do enough for you

I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years, and he built me a new kitchen, I was telling him how much I love the counter tops, the sinks,  stove and by the way, a big key to show your high status is that you show joy and delight in the things you like about the man you’re dating

It's not being bitchy, it's having high enough standards and good esteem that he won’t take over your whole life.

Fake it till you make it

He said “do you really like it”. I said “I love it”.

He looked at me and said really sweetly and said “all I want is your happiness”.

Men who really want you, aren’t going to let you go

He really tried to get that first meeting with me, I said we were going for a walk, he took me for dinner

He asked me for the next weekend before I even thought about it.

If you’re wondering if he wants me, you have your answer right there.

You have to have enough faith in yourself, when you are in the presence of a man.

You won’t be everyone’s flavour of the month . There are plenty of men that didn't want me. That's ok

We’re not all a match.

That's what’s the special and unique about human mating,

We don’t match with everyone. We only match with a few people

But nurture and borrow my faith that you will meet a few people that you do match with that will want you like that.

He may not do some things, but he will do the important things.

He might not do this but does he want to introduce you to his friends and family?

Does he want to meet your friend and family?

Does he buy you small gifts – its how thoughtful it is not expensive?

Does he look for small ways to please you, it isn't about how expensive it is, it's about how thoughtful it is

I had a client who was dating a wealthy man. At Christmas he gave her an expensive necklace and said here!. He wasn’t into her. It didn’t mean anything.

He could buy an expensive necklace all day it was like a button off of his shirt.  

Then I've had other clients who were dating a man that picked them flowers on the side of the road, tied them up in a bow and wrote a love note with them and that what they got on valentines day and that was the guy, that’s what you’re looking for

Does he show love not just profess love?


When to let him go


Does he talk about a shared future together, does he ask to meet your people, does he ask for you to meet his people?

If you’re trying to have a conversation about a shared future, and he avoids it.

If you’re trying to get him to meet your people, and he doesn’t do the same.

If you’re trying to make a date and he's avoiding it, and not getting back to you.

Let him go.

Have more faith in your value than that.

Stop worrying about manipulating the guy into loving you, and start worrying more about whether this guy deserves you

It's funny I’ve had clients that were like a 10, the total package. Smart, Athletic, Drop dead Gorgeous, good degree, money, they have everything. And they’re settling for men.

I tell them look at me I’m almost 50, but in my mid 30’s with a diabetic child in tow, with medical needsI had 14 marriage proposals. I was never as pretty as you are.

How did that happen, because you have to show that you’re excited about this guy, but he can’t take over your life. Being with you is a privilege

You should always have that attitude,

Not in a snobby way. But In a way that I have a life going, I’m thrilled you want to be part of it, but you have to work your way in.

Even with Vic my husband. I didn’t stop seeing everybody else right away, and I told him that, he worked his way in, he showed me and proved it. He values that. He tells people how he worked to have me.

Four and half months later, we got engaged. We got together in September, proposed in No and married end of January.

We each had a cat, dog, mortgage kids and lived in different cities. He proposed after 4.5 months

He bought a house and planned a marriage and everything

I don’t advise that for very young people but we weren't very young. I had just turned 39, he just turned  52. We knew what we wanted. He was so clear about what he wanted

Do yourself the honour of believing your worth, and do men the honour of understanding they do want to marry the woman they think is right for them. and want to a committed relationship.

Most of them, there are men who are deeply ambivalent that they don’t know that, and you shouldn’t spend your time with them.

A man who says “Let’s just see where this is going”, or “I don’t know what I want”.

Tell him, “I really like you, you have a lot to offer, I’m looking for the right relationship if you change your mind let me know”

Almost all the stalkers in the world are guys but if a guy is interested in you, he will let you know

I went out with a guy who really screwed up and I stopped seeing in him. He found my mothers address, she lived in a different state. He wrote her a letter of apology about how he treated me so that I know how sincere he is.

You can’t stop a man who really wants you, from showing you that he really wants you

What is your advice for women who live in a small community or a place with a lack of available single men. I recommend they widen their opportunities to beyond their immediate location.

Well there are environments where there are more eligible women than men

For example, as we age, the pool of available men shrinks.. I don’t start telling my clients that there are plenty of fish in the sea.Here’s what we know about happiness based on science, happily married people are the happiest. The middle range is single people.

Being single for most people is pretty lonely. We get told we need to be happy by our selves but most of us aren’t.

It should be viewed as part of our human psychology that we need each other that's what the data indicates. The least happy people are the unhappily married people.

It makes no sense to settle for men you won’t be happy with.

Desirable men have more optionsIn other words, let's say there are ten women on an island. He wants the one woman who can live without him. He doesn’t want the nine women throwing himself at him,

A male client once said to me. When we're looking for a permanent partner we’re on the hunt, sexually for casual sex. We’re almost like lions so if the gazelle runs up to us, we don’t know what's wrong with that gazelle but there's something wrong with it.

They want to pursue

Part of what they get from persuing is the knowledge that you have high enough worth. Within yourself and high enough worth in your community that you can afford to wait for sex with your time.

You can’t afford to be mean

You can afford to say I’m sorry I already have something going on on Friday night free next week

Instead of cancelling plans with friends, or I have to babysit my sister's kids want to come?

No, let them think you’re on a date.

Men love to win the heart  when your high status.

I’ve had women who did all this and he disappeared anyway,

There is a large group of men who do this.

He just approaches and says “hi”, and does’t invest, what they’re showing you is low investment, and wants you to do the work.

He only wants to have sex.. If you have standards you will get rid of those men

It depends on how clear the woman is on her willingness to date more than one man at a time.

Men in their early 20’s aren’t sure what they want yet- spend time together but don't have sex.

You can let him know you're seeing other people.

Women are terrified of doing this but remember you’re not telling a woman this.

A woman would hear- “You're just an option, I’m playing the field, I'm a playboy and you wouldn't want to see him anymore”.

What men hear is “she’s desirable, other men are asking her out, I better move quickly if I’m serious about this”.

It provides a tipping point, you’re either worth the effort or not. It jettisons men who aren’t into you very quickly. If a mans is into you, it will tip him from uncertainty to falling in love.

You can end up a man whose a terrible flirt and playboy and you don’t do it by making him breakfast, spending all your time with him, while you're spending all your time with him while he decides and not have sex with him.

You do it by telling him you're spending time with other men but not having sex with him.

If you're having sex with him, he hears your being unfaithful.

He doesn’t hear you’re only having sex with him, he won’t believe that, because he’s imposing his own mating psychology on you right

If a guy is in his forties and still saying stuff like that,” I don’t know”, “I just want to see what's out there”, he’s not worth the time.

I remember dating a man who was 47, who was independently wealthy. He asked me out on a date, I said I’d be into seeing you,  I’d like to talk a little bit more but sure.

I said to him, “I barely know you and I'm not asking how you feel about me, but wondering  what are you looking for in general in a partnership?”

Don’t be afraid to ask this- what a man is looking for  – you don’t have to say with me, but generally.

So if someone is in their 30’s or 40’s and he doesn’t know, he’s either lying or he doesn’t want to tell you the answer which is  casual sex.

His answer was, “ what do you mean?”

Not a good answer.

Well I said “that at some point I’m looking to get married again, I’m not saying it to you because I don’t know you, but it is one of  my life goals”.

I was asking about his life goal vision

If I had been seriously dating him, and asked “do you want to get married someday” then it's chasing him and unattractive.

The fact that I don’t know him is what makes this attractive . He said “do I have to know that yet?”.

I said “no, but I’m clear on my life goals, so I'm going to say no to that date, and get off the phone now”.

He couldn’t believe it.

I said, “You're not clear on what you want and I am, and it's not compatible and I'm moving on”.


He looked like a perfect man, funny, charming, wealthy, accepted my kid. If he can offer you everything but commitment is that perfect? Stop making excuses for men who don’t want to give you that commitment


I had to tell a client last week. “You're going to make a wonderful wife because you’re putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own”. I do too now for Vic because we're married and he does that for me too.

It's appropriate I put my child's needs ahead of my own.


But don’t give a man wife level commitment when  not giving you girlfriend commitment. Lag behind until he gives you full commitment.


Women make the mistake of giving him a taste of what being together will feel like for him. But they think you’re kind of desperate- because they're status motivated


Should a woman ask a man what the status of their relationship is?

If he wanted you, you wouldn’t have to ask. In my new book, I include a letter from one woman who wrote to me. She had been going out with a handsome, tall attorney –with two kids. She wrote to me, and said he had never asked her if she would be his girlfriend or introduce her to his important people.

I had to say he's an attorney, he knows how to ask. Stop making excuses for men He knows how to ask for a commitment.

First of all, do you want to be with a man who is that dull?

This is an example of a man who doesn't want commitment. She told me that she confronted him about it, and he disappeared.

Date other people, and continue to do that until he says I’m only seeing you, and wish you would only see me too.

Fear is the motivator for men. Fear of losing you. That's the knowledge that you're dating other men

At least let..

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Here are some thought provoking questions to help you reflect and review how 2018 was for you, and to celebrate your growth, achievements, and valuable lessons, and to prepare for your best year yet. 

This is my year end It's my annual ritual, and I hope you find this as rewarding and helpful as I do.

GOODBYE 2018

THE BEST OF QUESTIONS


1. What are my proudest moments? 


2. What did I learn about myself? 


3. What surprised me the most? 


4.  What mattered to me most? 


5. What did I let go of, that I'm happy about? 


6. If my year was turned into a book, what would it be about? 


7. What strengths did I use that I didn't realise I had?


8. What new habits did I cultivate that enhanced my self-care and happiness? 


9. What was the overall theme of my life? 



10. What had the biggest positive impact on my life this year?


11. What were my best accomplishments?


12. What was the best decision I made?


13. What was the best compliment I received? 


14. What was my funniest moment and why?


15. Who has supported me the most this year?  


16. What was I most grateful for? 


 17.  How has my relationship with my family evolved? 


18. What was the biggest challenge I overcame? 



THE GIFT OF LESSONS LEARNED



19.. What did I worry about the most?

20. What do I regret the most?

21. What was my best life lesson?

22. What habits didn't serve me?

23. What were most prominent emotions?

24. What strengths have I learned that I need to cultivate more in 2019?

25. How did I not honour and value myself?

26. What beliefs didn't support me? 

27. What were my best lessons?  

28. Which of my values did I neglect? 

29. What did I procrastinate about the most?

30. What did I hold onto, that didn't make me happy?




GET READY FOR 2019




1. What will my overarching theme be for 2019? 


2. When I look back on 2019 in December 2020, what achievements will make me the happiest?


3. What is the most important belief that I will nurture in 2019?


4. What's the most important self-care habit that I will practice consistently?


5. What support do I need and from who?


6. What is motivating me the most in 2019?


7. What will be the most rewarding change that I will make in 2019? 


8. 2019 will be my best year yet because...




YOUR SUPERHERO STRENGTHS

This exercise isn't easy. But it's worthwhile stretching yourself to do it, so that you remind yourself of the power you already have within you. I talked about these more in my blog “How to Trust your Inner Compass in Life and Love” 


Here are some prompts to help you: 
I have a natural talent for  
My friends and family know me to be 
I make people feel
I am confident at 
The things I love about myself are 
I make people feel
The skills I am known for are
Its easy for me to 
I am 
I can 




Download the complete guide including these questions and more

Get the guide
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I encourage you to take the time to reflect on your past year and celebrate your amazing growth, achievements, and valuable lessons. 

You may even want to share this exercise with your loved ones, who will also find the reflection rewarding and uplifting. 

Enjoy the process, take your time, and enjoy it. 


I hope you find this as rewarding and helpful as I have completing all of these questions. It's my annual ritual. 

I'm inviting you to join me in making 2019 your best year yet! 

GOODBYE 2018

THE BEST OF QUESTIONS



1. What are my proudest moments? 


2. What did I learn about myself? 


3. What surprised me the most? 


4.  What mattered to me most? 


5. What did I let go of, that I'm happy about? 


6. If my year was turned into a book, what would it be about? 


7. What strengths did I use that I didn't realise I had?


8. What new habits did I cultivate that enhanced my self-care and happiness? 


9. What was the overall theme of my life? 

10. What had the biggest positive impact on my life this year?


11. What were my best accomplishments?


12. What was the best decision I made?


13. What was the best compliment I received? 


14. What was my funniest moment and why?


15. Who has supported me the most this year?  


16. What was I most grateful for? 


 17.  How has my relationship with my family evolved? 


18. What was the biggest challenge I overcame? 

THE GIFT OF LESSONS LEARNED

1. What did I worry about the most?

2. What do I regret the most?

3. What was my best life lesson?

4. What habits didn't serve me?

5. What were most prominent emotions?

6. What strengths have I learned that I need to cultivate more in 2019?

7. How did I not honour and value myself?

8. What beliefs didn't support me? 


9. What were my best lessons?  


10. Which of my values did I neglect? 


11. What did I procrastinate about the most?


12. What did I hold onto, that didn't make me happy?

GET READY FOR 2019

1. What will my overarching theme be for 2019? 


2. When I look back on 2019 in December 2020, what achievements will make me the happiest?


3. What is the most important belief that I will nurture in 2019?


4. What's the most important self-care habit that I will practice consistently?


5. What support do I need and from who?


6. What is motivating me the most in 2019?


7. What will be the most rewarding change that I will make in 2019? 


8. 2019 will be my best year yet because...

Get the guide
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Have you experienced a pattern of attracting and investing in relationships with the same type of men?


Do you feel unlike your usual self when you’re dating or in a relationship? Perhaps you feel more anxious, insecure, confused than normal?



Do you feel like you experience more struggles and challenges in dating and attracting a healthy happy relationship, compared to others who seem to approach it fearlessly?



In my previous blog I shared five universal Love Blocks (here) that operate beneath the surface of many smart single men and women until they consciously dissolve them to clear the path to an empowered, confident dating journey.



In this blog, I’m sharing the importance of understanding how our Relationship Blue print is influenced, so that you build on the strong foundation to cultivating your new Relationship Blueprint effortlessly.


I’m talking about two key elements, and my hope is that it will reassure you about the fact that some of the challenges and struggles you may be experiencing right now, in dating and attracting a healthy, happy relationship, you may have inherited unconsciously and are unknowingly keeping you off track.


I’ve personally experienced this, and until I gained the laser clarity about my own relationship blueprint, I continued repeating negative dating and relationships patterns.


Re-writing your Relationship blueprint is within your control, and when you understand yours, you’ll be able to eliminate the behaviours and habits, that aren’t serving you anymore, and focus on more empowering actions.


Here are the two, to deepen your self awareness and to reflect on where you may need to cultivate a new healthy relationship design. As Maya Angelou told us in her famous quote


“When you know better, you do better”



It couldn’t be more relevant than in our most important relationship.


1. Understand your Love Map   



Your Love map is influenced by your psychological, biological, social and cultural effects stemming from childhood. They shaped your learned behaviour about love and relationships.
According to psychologist Jon Money


"Our “love map” — is a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and eye colour, in voice, smell, body build. It also records the kind of personality that appeals to us, whether it’s the warm and friendly type or the strong, silent type. In short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit our love map. And this love map is largely determined in childhood. By age eight, the pattern of our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains”.




Our brains are hard-wired to love what's familiar, so it's inevitable that unless learned behaviour is replaced with new habits and healthier behaviours and a new vision of your ideal relationship that supports us, we will naturally be attracted to familiar relationship patterns.

You have the power to rewrite your Relationship Blueprint so that you attract your ideal relationship while honouring yourself each step of the way.



Here are a few questions to ask yourself to begin to understand yours.



1. What relationship behaviours did your parents model for you?

2. How did they talk about Love, relationships, men and women?

3. Who were the positive relationship role models in your life?

4. What messages did you receive about happy relationships and marriage from those examples?

5. What have been your positive and negative relationship patterns

To begin re-framing your Relationship Blueprint into your Ideal version:

  • Make a list of the Best qualities you would love to emulate and have in your own dream relationship?

  • Make a list of the behaviours, qualities, actions you do not want to have?

  • This Guidebook will support you to create a new blueprint about your ideal relationship values, needs and goals. Download it here.




    1. Understand your Attachment Style.


    Our Attachment Style affects everything from our partner selection to how well our relationships progress to, how they end. This with your familial and past relationship patterns form your Current Relationship Blueprint.

    Its underpinned by neuroscientists Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Hellers research about how understanding adult attachment can help us find and sustain love. Its based on psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby theory of childhood attachment.

    In essence "the science of adult attachment predicts, how people will behave in romantic relationships and whether they will be well matched - on the basis of their “attachment style”. These are

    * Secure attachment style (just over 50% of the population)


    This is the ideal style. These are warm and loving, and relationships come naturally to them. They are great at communicating their needs and feelings. They feel secure and connected while allowing themselves and their partner to move freely.


    * Anxious attachment style (about 21% of the population)


    They love to be very close to their partner and have the capacity for a lot of intimacy. However, they often fear that their partner does not want to be as close as they would like and can be very sensitive to small fluctuations in their partner’s moods. Instead of feeling real love or trust they often feel emotional hunger. They seek a sense of safety and security by clinging but push their partner away.



    * Avoidant attachment style (25% of the population)


    Feel the need to maintain their independence. Even though they want to be in a relationship, they tend to keep their partner at arm’s length. They live in an ambivalent state. Afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others. they want to go to for safety in the same person they are frightened to be close to.

    It's important to understand your attachment style and recognise the attachment style of the men you date. Your ideal style is to shift into the secure attachment style.

    I’ve been both avoidant and anxious in the past.

    To discover yours TAKE THE ATTACHMENT STYLE QUIZ HERE



    These steps will undeniably support you to feel empowered on your Dating Journey to a happy, healthy relationship.



In summary in this short blog you have clarified

  • How your Relationship Blueprint influences your dating and relationship journey.

  • How your attachment style will influence who you’re attracted to, and how you feel in your relationship, unless you have a secure attachment style.  

  • How to begin re-designing your New Relationship Blueprint according to your Needs and Values today and for your new chapter in Love and Life


I hope this has helped you appreciate the many layers to cultivating rock solid confidence about attracting the relationship you want and deserve.



Best

Maria

P.S If you would like personalised support to create your new relationship blueprint, and to uncover the most effective steps to achieve your dream relationship, without second guessing yourself, contact me below for a complimentary Love.Smart Strategy call

Ignite your LoveSmart Strategy Call

Ignite your LoveSmart Strategy

By Feedspot

 

I coach women to ignite their dating confidence from inside out, create a Love.Smart road map, and navigate modern dating with grace and ease .I do this using my 7 step Love.Smart Formula, and I’d be delighted to support you too. Let’s talk about you! Schedule your Love.Smart Strategy Video Call with me HERE

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Modern Dating can be challenging without the right preparation and a smart strategy but it doesn't have to be hard, or frustrating.

It's very easy to blame outside circumstances and you have good reason to. Technology, modern “lazy”communication paired with a culture of instant gratification for many doesn't inspire genuine connection and attraction to blossom easily, which is why we have to be as smart in love as every other important area of our lives.  

The truth is, you're more in control of the quality of your dating life than you might believe.  

Understanding how your own behaviour is influencing your dating and relationship patterns or avoidance to it is one of the most life changing shifts you can make to transform your relationship destiny.

Whether you’re preparing to date again after a long break from relationships, but you're anxious, uncomfortable, hesitant, about where and how to begin.

Or you're actively dating and feel disheartened by the flaky, "ungentlemanly" men you're connecting with, and want to give up to continue enjoying single life for another year or three.    

You can turn your experience around with a few simple shifts and a little faith into a positive and rewarding one.

Knowledge is power, and an essential component of being ready to date with rock-solid confidence is to have laser clarity about your potential love blocks so that they don't unconsciously sabotage your dating and relationship success.

When you master these, with self-compassion your dating journey to a healthy happy relationship is less confusing and much more empowering.



How our Love Blocks Influence Our Dating and Relationship Patterns

Our love blocks operate under the surface of everything we say and do, and even though we don’t realise it, they control who we attract and how we feel in our relationships.

It shows up in the men we attract, are attracted to and date- unavailable, untrustworthy, flaky, hot and cold.

In the way, we feel with them - unfulfilled, disconnected, unsupported, lonely, fearful, incomplete.

How we feel about ourselves - lonely, afraid, not pretty/slim/smart/young/good enough, anxious.

They make us look for validation of our self- worth outside of ourselves and not from the most important person- YOU!  



Five Love Blocks we need to dissolve to clear the path to a Healthy, happy, relationship.  


1. The Fear of Being Rejected / Abandoned



Opening up to love requires a smart risk and vulnerability.  

The reality is there are no guarantees and the most important quality you can cultivate is the self-trust that you will be able to handle any situation regardless of the outcome.

If the "threat" of rejection or being abandoned is constricting you, you also won't ever experience a healthy, happy relationship with the partner perfect for you.  



2. The Fear of Losing your Freedom (being smothered)


Being single comes with a lot of freedom – you decide how to prioritise your time.

Have you found yourself feeling that being in a relationship will result in too much compromise, a loss of individuality, freedom and personal space?


3. Not being Honest about your Needs and Desires. You have conflicting Beliefs about Love



While your fears are designed to keep you safe, if your beliefs about Relationships, Men/ women, Dating, Love are limiting and negative they will cancel out your desire and ability to attract your Relationship Goal.
They cannot co-exist.  Your mind cannot hold conflicting beliefs they have to be replaced.

What are you saying to yourself about dating, relationships, men, love?


4. Resentment from Past Relationships


If you start dating with the residue and energy of an "ex" within you, it's an attraction killer.  

Harbouring unresolved emotions (anger, hurt, hate)  about your ex-partner, will unknowingly manifest in your communication style, conversation, behaviour, openness and energy.

While you're still energetically attached to the past you're emotionally closed to new opportunities to love and not an attractive match for a potentially perfect partner for you.   

The reality is we all come to new relationships with “baggage” from the past. It isn’t a negative thing, and contributes to who you are now as an individual, and what you bring to your relationship.

A real test to learn if you have healed from the past and ready to move on, is your energy.

How do you feel in your body, when you talk about your ex, and your past relationship? Do you feel tense, on edge, emotional, intense, angry, critical?

If you aren’t sure, your friends, family or dates will be able to tell. We’ve all been on those dates, where he talked intensely about his ex right? Its a red flag on both sides.

Your ideal state is to be able to speak openly, calmly and objectively about what you have learned from the last relationship and what you’re looking for as a result?


5. Not feeling Lovable.


Being happy and contented within yourself and your life, and embodying your value and self-worth will influence the quality of your life, your relationships and the standards you practice when you're dating.


Authentically loving and valuing yourself encompasses many elements such as practising healthy boundaries, valuing yourself, honouring yourself. A great test is to answer these questions.

  • Do you treat yourself with the same care, love, respect and kindness that you show your loved ones?

  • Are you speaking to yourself with the same encouragement, praise and compassion that you do to your loved ones? Or is your self talk critical and negative?

  • Are you placing your needs before everyone else or do you think of others needs before your own?


    The level that you do this is directly related with the amount of kindness, compassion love you are receptive to and allow from others.


    Have you recognised any of these potential love blocks within you?  

    These Love Blocks can operate within many of us to a degree, and by acknowledging them, then eliminating them with a powerful mindset that supports you, you will undeniably move forward feeling energetically lighter, and more optimistic about Relationships.  

    It isn't difficult but it does require effort and guidance as with achieving any goal in life.

    Here are additional Resources to support you to lay the strong resilient foundation to starting over in Love with Rock Solid Confidence

Free Guide- Ignite Authentic self-confidence and Balance in life.

Free Guide- Replace your Dating Fears with Self Trust

I would love to know if one or more of these Love Blocks have resonated with you. Do let me know in the comments below, or email me directly at hello@mariachristiecoaching.com

Join me on my facebook page here

To your Continued Success and Rock Solid Confidence in Love and Life!

Best

Maria x

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I coach women to ignite their dating confidence from inside out, create a Love.Smart road map, and navigate modern dating with grace and ease .I do this using my 7 step Love.Smart Formula, and I’d be delighted to support you too. Let’s talk about you! Schedule your Love.Smart Strategy Video Call with me HERE

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In my recruitment career, I used to feel excited when I met that one impressive candidate with the “edge” who was a perfect match over a sea of boring, unmemorable, ones. 

They would meet the criteria for the job role, and more importantly, they had the attitude, character, and goals which were the perfect fit. 

This counted more than academic credentials and depending on the role, even experience. 

It's much the same in dating.

You're "interviewing" many potential matches, to see if you're compatible and if there's a shared interest to discover more about each other, in a low-pressure way. 

For each role much like in dating, we had at least 5 non-negotiable must have's, as well as the non-essential preferences for the ideal candidate. 

We maintained those non-essential standards, without compromise.

The implications and consequences of not upholding those non-negotiables would impact on our guest service, our success as a business, the moral of the team, etc.

We would be settling for low-quality standards, which doesn't work in the 5 Star Hospitality environment- or in any high quality business environment. 

During the 90-day probation (discovery) period we'd express our standards and expectations, as well as understanding his or hers, and if we noticed we weren't on the same page.i.e. there was no consistency, follow through, a bad attitude, tardiness, disrespect and lack of progress, well, we didn't continue the relationship and wished them all the best.  

This principle applies in dating, during the early stages, yet it's a blind spot for many women.  

It's important to balance the head and the heart and tune into your feelings each step of the way. 

This allows you not to attach to the outcome too soon. So let's reaffirm the importance of doing this because ultimately you decide how you want to be treated by the man you're dating.

Compromising your dating standards doesn't move you towards your Dream Relationship.

What are your non-negotiable top 5 star standards about how you want to be treated?  

I work with successful, smart, strong women,  who know their standards about how they want to be treated by a quality man,  yet at times , dance around upholding them during the early discovery period and beyond.  

One example is that they are too flexible, and accommodating of behaviour and actions that don't meet their standards from the men they're dating, during the "probation" period.

These include
  • Accepting last minute meet up requests and generally being available when he asks, at his convenience.

  • Accepting texting conversations, rather than a personal phone call.

  • Overlooking a broken arrangement to meet. i.e. disappearing and re-connecting a few days later without mention of the plans you discussed.

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  • Being too available at this convenience for example after he disappeared in between conversations and dates, and reappearing to ask you to meet or chat, making you feel like an afterthought.

  • Perhaps rearranging your diary, and other commitments not to "lose" the opportunity to see him again. Sometimes before he's confirmed, or following up with him to verify because he hasn't.

  • Accepting or justifying the reasons, he isn't investing in you as much as you would like and hanging in there anyway. i.e. Too busy, Too stressed, Family Drama or no courteous reason at all, but pleased he made contact eventually.

  • By remaining available and investing time with him, and ignoring the facts (red flags) that his behaviour and actions are "showing you", and not trusting your intuition.

  • Not knowing or wanting to express your needs and showing him your standards, out of fear of how he will perceive you.


Your 5 Star Standards and how you express and embody them, in a feminine way, distinguish you as a High-Value Woman.  Download your Guide

This begins with how you want to be treated, and conveying that in a low pressure, way through your actions, and by how you express yourself. 

It begins with having absolute clarity, about what these are, then distancing your self from men who "show" you low-quality behaviour and actions, which don't meet your standards. 

When you are clear on these, in order for the quality man to respect them, and see you as high value, it's essential you embody these during your communication. 

It means, not "rewarding" behaviour and actions that don't meet your standards.  Rewarding looks like, ignoring, dismissing, justifying the actions and behaviours, which are NOT OK with you.  

And yes, that might mean the wrong man for you,  does disappear ( a good thing)  and the quality High-Value man is drawn to you even more. Because he values a woman who values and respects herself, and "expresses" her feelings in a feminine, calm way and follows through. 

No demands, no angry confrontations, no manipulations, No games. 

Here are a few shared qualities High-Value men or the Nice guys with "Edge" have which inspire attraction in women.  

 

As a reminder looks, wealth, career success etc. have some importance but don't sustain deep attraction and connection alone. 

These will support you to decide, what behaviours are not ok for you when you're dating and in a relationship with a man. 

WHICH OF THESE HIGH-VALUE BEHAVIOURS WILL YOU NOT COMPROMISE ON IN A MAN  1)   THEY ARE PRO-ACTIVE, NOT REACTIVE

They have a plan and goals, in life and apply this to dating. They make an effort; take the initiative and take the lead by making plans and following through. 

2)    LASER FOCUSSED ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP

They know what they are looking for in a relationship, why they want it, have a vision about what it will look and feel like, and take consistent action to attract it with class, quiet confidence, and style.  

3)   HONEST AND HAVE INTEGRITY

They are honest and respectful of the people in their lives. Even it means someone may be upset with them. They understand that being upfront and reliable is more respectful and expect it themselves.  

4)   KIND, THOUGHTFUL, CARING AND GENEROUS

They invest time with people, because they care and genuinely want to, not because they are going to gain something in return.

In dating, they are upfront about whether they are looking for casual dating or for a relationship. If the woman he is dating is looking for a relationship and he is not, he has the integrity not to mislead her and lets her go before intimacy under false pretence. 

He has a genuine spirit of generosity with his time, energy and understands that dating means paying for his date for the first few dates at least. (point 12 relates to this point also)

5)   INDEPENDENT OPINIONS

They are independent thinkers, express their opinions respectfully, and respect and appreciate views that are different to theirs.   

6)   PASSIONS

They are inspired by passions in their life, whether it’s their career, hobbies, or interests and actively get involved or are working towards it. If they hate their job, they don’t focus on that, they find enjoyment in their passions and work towards changing their circumstances.

7)   RELIABLE AND FOLLOW THROUGH

They can manage and handle the busy-ness with low drama. They do what they say they're going to do, and mean what they say.  They don't make excuses or have a victim mentality. 

When necessary work, personal events take over they call, and re-schedule or are upfront. They don't make plans without integrity or not meaning them. 

8)    EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT.

They have reached the “Adult” phase of Emotional Intelligence or working towards it. They can communicate openly, honestly, and confidently about what they want and need and listen equally even though it may feel uncomfortable to them.  (the 3 stages of emotional intelligence) 

9)   RESPECT WOMEN

They appreciate and respect women in their own right, and don’t buy into generalisations and stereotypes. They understand the woman he's dating is equally busy with her career, and personal life. 

10)    EVOLVED ROMANTICALLY

High-value men have evolved beyond their teenage/ manchild behaviour with regard to romance and sex. They don’t rely on the low-quality adolescent tactics, and manipulation to connect with women. 

They respect a woman who says "no", and isn't ready to be intimate. He doesn't push for sex if she isn't ready and has expressed she wants to get to know him better first.   

Not respecting your "no" without pressure is a massive red flag, and in my opinion enough to walk away from him.

Never accommodate or justify him, not respecting your "no". 

Quality men are more confident, discreet, subtle and sincere. They understand that connecting and romancing a high-value- women don't come from a place of neediness, but starts with being genuine and approaching her as a friend, not a conquest.  

11)               DECISIVE

They make decisions with confidence; if it’s planning a date, he decides the place. If his date suggests somewhere else, he listens, considers otherwise he sticks to his decision, and doesn’t flounder.

12)               BOUNDARIES

They are strong and have clear boundaries. He isn’t a pushover and communicates easily and directly if someone has crossed his boundaries. He is astute and aware when someone is taking advantage of his good nature or not appreciating him, and handles it in a low-drama way.   

13)               CHARMING

They have healthy self-esteem and have great conversations easily with a variety of different people. They don’t have the need to be the centre of attention and genuinely enjoy listening and showing interest in people.

They consciously bring a good energy and vibe to their dates and want to leave people with a good feeling. 

14)               CURIOUS

If they are unclear or confused by a situation, they ask questions with the view to understanding someone’s position, feelings, thoughts without pre-judgment or assumptions.

15)  KNOW THEIR VALUE AND ARE HUMBLE

They have an aura of quiet confidence. They have developed the capability to be open to love despite their fears and occasional self-doubt, which is human nature. They don't allow their fears to hold them back; they can handle rejection with grace and without taking it personally. 

They don’t need validation from outside sources in the form of material possessions or lots of attention to feel good- they just feel good.

16) DOESN'T TAKE HIMSELF TOO SERIOUSLY.

They have the high quality to be able to laugh at themselves, and not take themselves too seriously. The laugh easily and have a healthy, smart sense of humour.  

These are just a few, and some may not be as important to you, like consistency, and reliability.  

Nobody is perfect, successful dating requires an awareness of yourself and the person you want to attract and be in a relationship with.  

So the next step is to clarify your own standards about how you want to be treated, which will help you discern if your date is a suitable potential candidate. 

Following that, it's important to stay tuned into your intuition and recognise that you cannot change anybody. 

When he is showing you who he is, and his actions and behaviour don't meet your needs, your power is to chose whether you will accept it, or walk away from it, because you know in the long run it won't make you happy. 

Attraction is very subjective and individual. 

For the best opportunities to attract and keep your ideal quality partner you want, it’s  also important to understand the values, behaviours, energy, attitude your perfect partner is looking for; without assuming or pre-judging. 

It isn’t usually what you have been led to believe or hear from people around you, who are sharing their opinions based on their perceptions, personal experiences, lives and not yours.

 Ask yourself ...  

1)   What are my top five non negotiable dating standards. 

2)   What do I need a partner, and how do I ensure my needs are met? 

3)  What does the man I want to attract want in a partner?

4)   What qualities inspire him that I am not practising as much?

5)   What can I do to develop these qualities?

If you have identified all of these, with clarity and confidence, based on facts, and what's right and embody them, daily you already have the edge in dating.


You're also much closer than you think to your perfect “candidate” and loving relationship. 

To feel prepared to attract your ideal high-quality man in 2018 and beyond schedule your free clarity conversation below. 

 Best

Maria x

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I know that as a strong independent women you have a full and happy life, and certainly aren’t desperate to be in a relationship.

It’s an important part of your life though which will enhance your happiness.

But at the moment there are some challenges

  • You’re unsure about how to find a loving, supportive man, who understands you, and has a similar lifestyle and ambitions.

  • You’re demotivated and exhausted with attracting unavailable, uninspiring, noncommittal men who are hot and cold, and disappear or no one at all.

  • You’ve tried everything from being online to being matched by friends and family, and you don’t know what you’re doing wrong or how to change.

  • You feel confused about why you’re alone when you have so much to offer, and didn’t expect to be dating at this stage of your life. 

  • You’re putting yourself out there, but don’t feel seen by men or the ones you’re attracted to.

  • Perhaps you’re  losing confidence in yourself and your ability to meet someone and you're starting to doubt whether he really exists.


 You’re not alone, and you have the power to change your relationship destiny. My clients have experienced all of these situations as have I.


Many women begin to blame all men, themselves, their age or outside circumstances, without recognizing how much influence and power they have to change their results, so they get stuck in a cycle of over-giving to the wrong partners, staying in unhappy relationships or not dating at all.  For example my client below, let’s call her Annie.


"I'm not going to change, I'm a strong, dynamic woman, and if a man can't appreciate that, he's not for me. I expect a man to step up. Why should I initiate? I'm exhausted trying to make things happen; they're too feminine.  The only way it will happen is with luck and by chance, and if it doesn't so be it."

Do my former client's comments resonate with you?

She's a P.Hd running a successful practice, sporty, gorgeous, well- travelled - a catch! And men consistently do NOT pursue her, fade out after a bit of flirtation or a few dates, then disappear.

I coached this lovely lady last year, and this was her update when we touched based recently.

Does this have a great success story ending?  Sadly not

In her romantic life unlike the other areas of her life, she has a fixed mindset, rigid, inflexible opinions both of which have hardened her natural magnetic radar that captivates and inspires attraction in high caliber men.

She has given up because she refuses to accept her influence over her results and has stayed stuck in the comfortable place of blaming outside circumstances and men.

She deserves love and has a lot of love to give, but she's staying in her own way for now.

Don't let that be you!

Are there men out there who don’t know how to inspire attraction and court a women- Yes!

Are there men who feel uncomfortable or threatened by an intelligent accomplished women- Yes!

Are there men who lie and cheat? Of course!

Are there men who are commitment phobes? Yes

Are there men who don’t initiate and step into their masculine strengths Yes

Are there men who convey a nice guy image, and are master manipulators or narcissists? Yes


You will attract all sorts of men, and there are plenty of undesirable ones out there. I’ve met a few too!

These types of men are easy to filter so that you can focus on allowing the emotionally mature, confident, high caliber relationship minded men out there wanting to meet you to discover you.

The reality is you might NOT be inspiring attraction from them because

1)   You’re so used to being in control, handling your life and making things happen

that the side effect is you have an overdeveloped masculine side which is needed to take care of yourself, your career, home, family.

Consequently, your magnetic feminine side is neglected and shuts down. Your natural radiance, feminine confidence and availability aren’t shining through to quality men, and that’s what they notice. 

Our energy is the biggest reason most women are frustrated by the men their meeting or not meeting any at all. It's that powerful. (you might like this free guide which explains)

2)   You’ve become so comfortable being independent.

You’re used to depending on, protecting and looking out for yourself. The problem with this is that you’ve unconsciously developed a layer of armour that has blocked your heart to love.

Even though you’re available and putting yourself out there, you’re actually not fully available. The message is you don’t need a man. This keeps you stuck attracting unavailable, unimpressive men or no one at all.

3)   You’re frustrated that men don’t initiate, step up and pursue you.

The problem is many women don’t know or aren’t comfortable being pursued. You're so used to managing things in your life that you’re unconsciously preventing the right quality man’s masculine instincts from working.

4)   You have underlying judgements or fears about men that are sabotaging you

and sending signals that you’re unapproachable preventing men from feeling safe to invest and lose interest.

5)   You’re  energetically attaching too soon to a man before he's invested emotionally

(not physically) and projecting to the future without substance.  One sign of this is over giving, oversharing, overdoing, and always being available.

6)   You're ignoring warning signs and red flags

because of the external appearance of "success" or compatibility based on surface level criteria.

These examples are more common than you might realise, and a man will never tell you instead he'll fade out, or disappear.

Often he doesn't know why he didn’t feel the attraction himself. 

I've experienced all of these and learned the hard way.

Dating and Relationships isn't an area many women or men nurture and develop enough, as they grow, mature and evolve as does society and our dating culture.

Many women are trying to attract the Best quality, happy, healthy, Relationship which you deserve, with faulty programming, old conditioning and without a clear modern road map for success.

This way of doing dating and relationships manifests itself in your results that are far from those you deserve or are capable of attracting.

We nurture develop and become proficient, savvy, get support; in our careers, business skills, social life, travel, well-being, health, motherhood, fitness and self-care.

But leave one of the most important relationships in our lives to chance, luck, or get support when it becomes painful, or too late.

The truth is you have the power and influence to change the quality of your dating and relationship experience, and perhaps you do 't know how or where to begin.

The most important thing we can do for ourselves is to sharpen and nurture our interpersonal and relationship skills consistently, as much as every other area of our lives. Why wouldn't we when it’s one of the most important.

I can help you do that, and its the inspiration for my Love. Smart Live. A Boutique Day retreat for Modern, busy, single women on Saturday 27th October in Nicosia and I'd love you to join us.

I’ll be sharing with you my most popular Love.Smart.Formula Essentials- the Golden Insights I’ve been giving my clients for the last few years, and which we wish we knew years ago, to save us from frustration, heartache and disappointment.

The limited Retreat tickets are only available for the next few days at an early booking promotion price. Learn more about Love. Smart Women Live HERE.  

If you’re not in Cyprus why not ignite your Love.Smart Strategy by scheduling a complimentary call with me HERE so that we can discuss how I can support you to shift the trajectory of your Romantic Life.

Love

Maria

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