Stay Connected to receive Dating Success Tips and Insights to attract your perfect Relationship without Settling. Maria Christie is an professional life coach supporting selective single men and women in dating success & confidence.
The Difference between being Picky and Maintaining your High Standards
Have friends and family joked that you’re too fussy which is why you’re single?
Do you worry that if you’re not picky, you will be compromising and settling?
Perhaps you’re happy being picky, as you know what you want and aren’t lacking in great dates.
WHAT’S ON YOUR IDEAL PARTNER “LIST”?
It’s essential to be clear about what you need in a partner and a successful, loving, committed relationship.
Your “list” can and often does make the difference between moving you towards a meaningful, committed relationship or holding you back from one.
Here’s why it’s important to distinguish between being “picky” and having the right high standards.
The differences between having High Standards and being Picky.
You know yourself better than anyone.
It’s worth reflecting whether your high Standards (non-negotiables) and preferences (things you’re picky about) are all grouped together into one long list?
If they are, and you don't give quality dates a chance because of that extra long list, you are probably limiting your prospects.
Of course, if your standards (core needs) aren’t met, you won’t be happy after the excitement of a new romance has settled down.
So a question to seriously consider is what your bottom line needs in a partner are?
What’s on your High Standards List?
These should be your non-negotiables. It’s worth taking the time to reflect and be honest with yourself about the standards you live by, those you want in your future partner and for the relationship: They will include:
Values, beliefs, morals, principals, faith, relationship and life goals, worldview, emotional health and stability, lifestyle, financial independence and security, children, intellectual compatibility, temperament, personality, communication style and attachment needs.
I challenge my clients to shortlist their non- negotiables down to just 10 or less and be laser focussed on what’s most important to them.
What does being “Picky” really mean?
Over and above your bottom line needs are your WANTS; the little annoying habits, and preferences....…that often occupy too much of our thoughts when thinking about a potential partner.
Things like; looks, physical attributes, style, hobbies, travel, too quiet, too loud, messy or tidy, timekeeping ….and they shouldn’t be deal breakers.
Some have some significance, but these can be influenced by a person motivated by love, so shouldn’t be ruled out.
Bad table manners or always being 30 minutes late can be annoying, and may not be something you want to change in a potential partner, I understand. But, one of only two or three "annoyances" are worth overlooking in a person if you're compatible in the more essential non-negotiables. Is anyone perfect?
If your WANTS influence your judgment first; instead of your NEEDS; it’s likely you are setting an impossible standard for a potential partner and limiting your chance of meeting someone genuinely right for you.
Choosing a partner based on your superficial "wants" act as barriers keeping you from a long-term committed relationship. A real and lasting relationship consists of imperfect elements too!
Here are five things to consider to avoid being PICKY and closing the door to a quality partner for you.
1) Start a new List. Separate your absolute Non-negotiable needs and your Preferences (WANTS).
Ask yourself, if I meet someone special tomorrow, what 10 High Standards will be enough for me to be very happy with him/her?
2) Separate which annoying things and preferences can be influenced /changed and which ones can't.
3) Understand that the traits you don’t like may actually be a positive complement to you.
Someone being too quiet and laid back when you are very chatty, loud and energetic, might just be a good balance unless you want someone exactly like you! Opposites can attract if your standards match. Give it a chance to see how it evolves. It may just be a positive thing.
4) When something your date does annoys you, ask yourself “Why?”
Are you reacting to something that has more to do with you than them? For example, maybe your date hasn’t made plans, shows up, and asks you. “What would you like to do?” This might be a turn-off because you disliked an ex for doing the same. Consider that it could be more psychological on your part, rather than your date’s problem. If you find yourself making these judgments, take the time to understand your triggers and work on clearing them. Avoid unfairly imposing these expectations on the person you’re dating and in the relationship.
5) Be honest with yourself and really learn your core personality type and attachment style.
Do you need to adjust and be flexible in some areas to be compatible with other personality types?
If you find yourself on the picky side, with someone who seems to have many of your core standards in order, give it a chance and discover who he/ she is on the inside before dismissing them too quickly based on superficial judgments. If they don’t meet your core standards, move on quickly.
Finally, be patient with the journey, have fun, be pro-active and open-minded, which will generally attract people to you but never compromise on your high standards.
If you're like many strong, smart, successful, busy women I have the pleasure of coaching, you're likely to be using your masculine energy, at least 75-80% of the time in your business, your career, managing and organising your personal life, your home, and your family.
That's the purpose of our Masculine energy to help us accomplish our priorities and goals.
Where this may not be serving you is in your Dating Life and Relationships.
There are many articles about the importance of amplifying your feminine energy in dating, so we know it's important.
What I realise when coaching my clients, is that there is just as much misunderstanding about what exactly it is, and how to apply it in their lives.
The most significant misconception about masculine and feminine energy I hear is that feminine energy is just about our external presentation, our feminine style, mannerisms, body language, flirtation tactics, perhaps being passive and weak. And masculine energy is frequently viewed as being strong, assertive, having control and being capable.
Consequently, many strong women I talk to don't connect with this perception of feminine energy and reject it as they consider it a weakness, or that their capabilities are undermined as "lesser" than a mans. I used to feel this way until I learned what it was really about.
The truth is, it goes much deeper than a woman's femininity and flirting skills which don't define feminine energy.
It also has nothing to do with your character.
You can look like the most feminine woman on the surface, and lead with your masculine energy. Conversely, have a sporty, or tomboy-ish dress sense and lead with your feminine energy.
Certainly your external feminine essence (body language, voice, style) counts towards attracting a man, but your feminine characteristics are separate. Your outer appearance may initially draw a masculine energy man to you, but if you’re not connected with your feminine energy characteristics and practice them authentically, he won’t connect with you in the long term.
There are always exceptions, however, most quality masculine energy men aren't inspired to take it further with a woman who leads with her masculine energy, as its a clash of the same energy.
He may not even realise this is the reason, but he won't feel the emotional safety to be himself.
Most masculine energy men are attracted to a feminine energy presence and vice versa.
The polarity of both energies is needed in your interactions to deepen your connections and increase your desirability to a masculine energy man.
Respecting and applying the principals of how these opposite energies work together applies in your friendships and all your relationships, be it with family and colleagues.
The purpose of your Feminine and Masculine Energies, and why you need both
Before we talk about how feminine and masculine Energy work in dating, I want to take a moment to demystify both and why they're essential for us to feel balanced as an individual.
I like to think of our Masculine and Feminine energies as two groups of strengths/ qualities within each of us.
One of my favourite studies about this is by Jim Self, and I'm sharing some of his key distinctions.
He says that both Masculine and Feminine qualities/strengths are present in all of us and transcend Gender, Sexuality, Age, Religion etc.
Both groups of strengths have distinct characteristics, which don't overlap, and a balance of both is vital for us to feel whole and balanced.
Typical characteristics of Masculine Energy Strengths :
Willpower, doing, thinking, analyzing initiating, directive, decision making, motivation, intellect productivity, striving, leaning forward, NURTURING/GIVING (often perceived as a feminine energy quality because most women are nurturing and giving- it's actually a "doing" quality)
Masculine energy is simple, uncomplicated, single-focused,.Masculine energy understands straight lines— go from point A to point B to point C and back to point A.
If we function from our masculine energy without the balance of feminine energy, we can feel unvalued; it isn't nurtured or appreciated. It feels incomplete
You'll notice when masculine energy is brought to the interaction by men and women, whether it's in business, or even a group of friends talking over dinner. They'll be initiating, problem-solving, solution finding, sharing opinions, facts, with possibly some underlying competitiveness as to whose right, knows more, has the answer or can help fix or solve something.
Characteristics of Feminine Energy Strengths
Your imagination, creativity, passion, desires, emotions, feelings, being present, intuition, sensing, being receptive. leaning back
Feminine energy is very complex, energised and fast, It can do 25 things at one time while it swirls and curves.
If we mainly function with our female energy without the balance of masculine energy we can feel unsupported; unfocused; ungrounded and unstable; it is without structure, and as a result, it has no sense of direction, completion, or success
The way this would show up in conversations is that the person you're speaking with is attentive, present, actively listening, receptive, and tuned into their emotions not their analytical thoughts. They'll also be expressing feelings, rather than facts and solutions.
In essence understanding, expressing and balancing both masculine and feminine creative energy is required to feel whole, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.
Balancing Masculine and Feminine Energy in Dating and Relationships
There are many happy, successful couples where the man has more feminine energy in the relationship, and the woman leads more with her masculine energy.
If you're attracted to masculine energy men, you need to tune into and convey what appeals to him. One influencer is your feminine energy which sparks the initial attraction.
If you are a masculine energy orientated woman, with no intention of taking a more receptive, passive, softer stance in your relationship at times, then you'll have difficulty reaching a happy balance with an equally masculine energy man.
You're more likely suited to a man who takes the more passive, receptive role.
Similarly, feminine energy men, who want to be with a feminine energy woman, need to dial-up their masculine energy to attract her.
There is a difference between this working happily for couples, and masculine energy men, "giving up" and becoming passive and feeling emasculated in the relationship with a woman who leads with her masculine energy to keep the peace. It happens often.
Consciously choosing which energy you're going to lead with, in your romantic relationship, is the first step to attracting the right potential partner.
I don't believe in dating “rules”, but this is a universal proven relationship rule, you need to observe and practice in your life to enjoy authentic connections.
So to inspire attraction from a masculine energy potential partner, become comfortable shifting between your masculine into your feminine energy more effortlessly.
This should be a fluid, and subtle transition, and doesn't involve a transformation in your personality or character, morals, ethics or independence in any way.
It's just "being" rather than "doing".
This means taking a slightly more passive role, being receptive, relinquishing control and being patient to allow him to step up and initiate.
This is especially important when you're dating, for a variety of reasons.
So, learn to connect with both your masculine and feminine energy strengths to feel balanced and whole for you first.
Then decide which energy you are most attracted to, and lead with the opposite energy in your dating life and relationship.
This small step can have a significant impact on you, your dating life and future long-term relationship.
What exactly is it about a Man that sparks your curiosity, and interest making you want to know more?
Is it their looks, their sense of humour, their attitude to life?
What exactly creates the elusive Chemistry which most Single Ladies and Men need, to feel connected to a potential partner?
Matthew Hussey a Dating Coach for Ladies, shares his definition of the The Attraction Formula”, in his book Get the Guy. I agree with the smart way he dissects "Attractiveness", and all that it encompasses.
He says, and I agree that without all four components of the Attraction Formula being present, especially in the early stages of a relationship, it is unlikely that the relationship will be a long-lasting one. The formula isn’t needed for transient hookups – obviously.
THE ATTRACTION FORMULA =
Visual Chemistry +
Perceived Value +
Perceived Challenge +
1. Visual Chemistry
Without a doubt, visual attraction plays an important role for men, but it isn’t defined simply by how good looking you are, in fact, this only plays a small part of it.
Yes, really! Remember we are talking about emotionally mature, relationship-minded, smart Single Men.
It’s been proven that many extremely attractive people who are used to receiving a lot of attention for their looks, don’t feel a need to develop their character and personalities. We see this often, they effortlessly sail along being admired for their looks alone.
This is why they often don’t sustain relationships with people who have developed their character and personality and need deeper connections. So beauty and handsomeness aren’t usually enough if you're the latter kind. It’s just a small factor.
So, stay mindful not to overlook whether deeper long term compatibility can grow beyond a mans appearance. Science has proven people can overlook "bad behaviour" also due their partner being very attractive.
Visual Chemistry is actually based on a number of elements, the way you look, present and carry yourself, your posture, how you gesture, walk, talk, your facial expressions, your smile, how at ease with yourself, your outlook, how relaxed and animated you are and how you make someone feel in your company. All of these elements together create your magnetism, charisma and as Matthew says your own unique brew of charm and attractiveness.
What’s your Brew?
2. Perceived Value
You are a high-Value woman, this is a given, and you need to convey this to a potential future partner naturally and confidently without bragging, being boastful or arrogant. Be humble of course but confident in what you offer.
If you are Single and searching for a long-term relationship; how you market YOU is vital.
It’s important to show your; worth; high value; happy life, lifestyle; emotional health, so that what you are bringing to the relationship table is transparent, inviting and your potential partner can see what a worthwhile investment you are.
This is best conveyed in how positively you talk about yourself,your life, passions, your loved ones, which gived your partner a glimpse of the life your future partner will be sharing with you. Is it appealing and inviting to him?
3. Perceived Challenge
"People Value what they earn".
This isn’t about game playing or manipulation, which doesn’t create trust and is immature. It’s about being challenging in a positive way.
It’s proven that if something (you) is won or claimed too easily, no matter how valuable it is; many men don’t respect it, or want it in the same way.
Many studies, research, and relationship psychologists share this principal, that Men place more value on women if they can prove themselves to her.
Again not in a game playing fashion; an example is not always being available at the exact time, place, day, he would like to meet.
In reality, everyone has such busy lives that it’s highly likely to be the case anyway. However, you don't want to be the woman who always pushes aside, other commitments out of to be available and ready at the exact time she is asked to be by the man you're dating.
Definitely, show a willingness and flexibility to meet, as everyone has bust schedules and but with more scarcity in the very early stages
Your standards about how you want to be treated, will guide you here. Don't ignore them from a place of fear of losing his interest. A man, genuinely interested in you, won't be deterred that easily. . (I write more about that here)
Your future partner will integrate into your already well-rounded life. Value your time, and be smart about how much of your time you give away freely and easily in the early stages. Allow the time you invest to build over time as you get to know each other. It’s important to show that you are a Lady a Man has to earn. If a man isn’t flexible or willing to compromise, around your availability, he is showing that he isn’t sincerely interested in you.
If all the other ingredients are in place, but there is no connection; then the relationship isn’t likely to last.
To develop a deep connection with someone, you really need to understand what drives them, what their core motives, values, beliefs are and what they are all about. They also need to know yours; both need to be aligned and inspiring to both of you.
To do this, you need to be interested, and ask what their "Whys" are, not only their "What". Instead of asking theusual boring questions; What do you do, What are your hobbies? try Why do you do what you do? Why do you enjoy that hobby or interest? Open the conversation up to learn more deeply about someone.
The four elements of Matthews Attraction Formula aren’t revolutionary individually. As a four-step formula followed completely, it has been proven to have helped thousands of Single Ladies internationally.
When I evaluate the causes for many relationship breakups I hear about on a daily basis; it’s clear that steps have been missed from this formula especially in the early stages of a relationship; it also resonates with me personally.
In closing, with the Formula for Attraction in mind; take time to feel your best self, confident, happy and remind yourself of the high value you will bring to the relationship table of the person lucky enough to meet you.
With so many dating books and online dating advice available today, not to mention the opinions freely given by friends and family: the do's and don’ts of dating can be overwhelming.
The advice based on facts is helpful and gives us insights and encouragement in the right direction. The sheer volume of information out there though, can make us second guess ourselves and wonder if we are dating the "right" way.
I don't believe in dating rules, ONLY in setting a strong foundation for dating success, which starts with us.
With that said, here are my "12 Back to Basics Principals for Dating Success" to support you to build that strong foundation, to date confidently, trust yourself and have fun without overwhelm and confusion
I recommend keeping these in mind as your dating compass to keep you on track during your dating journey.
1. Prepare to Take Action
Understand that Attracting Love requires Work and creating time and carving out space in your life, to create opportunities to connect with quality men.
As unromantic as it sounds, the truth is, meeting the right partner, and the right time and place is rare.
It’s a different dating world today, and if you genuinely and wholeheartedly want to attract your ideal partner, you have to accept our reality, which is that it requires effort, action, a positive, resilient attitude, and a smart strategy to give yourself the best chance possible to meet each other.
This isn’t about being desperate or needy, it’s about understanding that in order to achieve your goal, and you have to do something about it.
It can take time, so avoiding it, or giving up over inevitable bad dates, will keep you further away from it.
Instead, consider changing things up, pushing past your comfort zone to create more exciting opportunities to meet potential new dates.
Ask yourself how what you’re doing now is working for you? Is it time to refresh?
If you’re re-active now and believe "it will happen when it happens" or "you never find it when you're looking for it," it's a myth.
It's logical that you will attract love when you're pro-active and take consistent action. It's the same principal for everything in life.
You also don't want to be too rigid about it, as this will affect your magnetic energy. Balance is key.
Ultimately, you're responsible for achieving your relationship success and life happiness.
2. Stop Believing the “Story” You're telling yourself
By story, I mean all the reasons you’ve decided are now facts as to why it’s “difficult” or “impossible” to find the right partner
We've all heard these right?
Men never approach me; Women aren’t approachable; Men are scared of strong, successful women; Men want supermodels; I only attract younger or married men; All the good men are taken; I need to lose weight / get in shape first. Or, I’m terrible at dating.
The list goes on and can be endless!
How is thinking about these things helping you? My guess is, not at all! As cliché as it sounds, the truth is if you invest your energy believing negative thoughts like this, you will look for evidence of these being true. And you will find it.
What would you rather believe?
You owe it to yourself to re-adjust your attitude and beliefs so that they are supportive and serve you rather than hold you back.
Don’t limit yourself and play small by accepting and believing negative thoughts and opinions about your “circumstances”. This is outdated programming and you need to upgrade.
Consider them “fake” facts and challenge them.
Replace the old programming with a new story that you will attract a happy relationship with your ideal partner, as have millions of other single men and women internationally.
Then start investing your time and energy in how best you can start taking smart consistent focussed steps towards attracting the relationship you want. It needs patience, and it's worth it.
3. Abandon Rigid Dating "Rules"
The energy and tone you set at the start of dating should be light, trusting, and open.
Arming yourself with dating savvy and knowledge makes you more high value, than acting on rigid dating "Rules". Rules come from a place of fear, control, and manipulation and can unknowingly breed mistrust in the person you’re dating. It’s also hard work.
To genuinely discover the person you're dating, and learn if a real connection and chemistry can develop, you need to avoid this kind of game-playing strategy.
Replace rules with understanding, self-awareness and concentrate on presenting the best and true version of yourself instead.
Consider all the information, which resonates with you, keep it in mind, and then trust yourself to judge each situation in a smart and informed way. There isn't a perfect answer, to every dating scenario. There are always unexpected surprises along the way.
Attracting love involves learning about you during your dating journey, and evolving. Stay open to it and resilient.
4. Decide What you want and How you Want to be treated, and maintain your Standards
Be clear first about the values, morals, standards, and character you want in your ideal partner, and those you are also bringing to the relationship table. For a real, lasting and happy relationship, these need to go beyond superficial qualities.
If your date doesn't "show”, you that your values, standards, and relationship goal are aligned, or has behaviours, habits, and personality traits, which are non-negotiable for you, be super selective in how much more time and energy you invest and move on quickly. Simple!
Balancing your head, emotions and paying attention is key so that you keep a healthy objectivity while you're discovering your partner.
This is especially true if your date is extremely attractive. Not that we need science to prove this, but it isn’t a myth that bad behaviour is excused in the name of “ hotness”.
5. Value and Respect yourself
As a high-value woman or man, you have respect for yourself, and others, and clear standards in place like good manners, courtesy, engaging conversation.
You’ll intuitively know if you're not valued, and respected in return Don't continue in a negative situation, when you don’t feel good about it based on these basic qualities.
Respecting yourself and your needs maintain your high value and are your best defence to handle being taken for granted; pressured into moving too fast, or low-quality behaviour.
Keep a happy, balanced life and network of supportive trusted friends and family to prevent you from investing too soon in your date. Not always being available is a good thing and maintains a little mystery.
6. Be Authentic
Revealing your true nature, charisma and personality from the first date gives your date an insight into the real you, and how it will feel being in a relationship with you.
Relationship-Mind men and women don't have time to invest energy in the "guarded and perfect" version of you to learn later that there is a different person behind it.
Of course, everyone is on their best behaviour in the early stages of dating, but more real you are, flaws and all, the sooner you will know if there is a real connection.
It’s common for many relationships to end at the 3-6 month mark when the "mask" falls off, and you don’t have time to waste like that.
If you're holding back, take the time to reignite your positive qualities, attributes, and strengths, which make you attractive, unique, and loveable. You need to believe in yourself, for your date to see these qualities as well.
7. Avoid Over Thinking and Projecting
Make a decision, to detach from analysing, over-thinking and taking the opinions of others and even yours at times, to heart.
You know yourself better than anyone does. Connect with your feelings and how you want your date to treat you. How you feel during and after each date should be your guide along with these other principals.
Doing this gives you the chance to observe your dates consistent behaviours and actions over a few dates, and learn who they are as a person without the mind chatter.
You'll then instinctively know when it "feels" right to take the next step. That's usually because of an equal exchange of care, attention, time, energy, and expression of feelings.
Do keep in mind though; that the way someone behaves with you during the first few dates (when you are strangers) isn't necessarily a reflection of what kind of partner they will make. It’s too soon to tell unless there are glaring red flags and no attraction at all.
When someone likes you, and you’ve developed some trust and connection, they’ll be more invested, and that can take time to build. It can’t be rushed.
8. Don't Act or React from Fear
We use resilience all the time to manage life’s obstacles and challenges. That same resilience is essential in dating.
The annoying bumps in the road, and finally meeting the one, are on the same road. Most people brave enough to be out there, dating, also experience the same ups and downs.
It’s important to take these inevitable setbacks in your stride and never personalize them.
Consider each set back a lucky escape!
This will help you in times when you're feeling anxious about how your date feels about you, or hasn't reciprocated in the way you wanted, or isn’t moving the relationship forward as quickly as you would like to.
Bare in mind in the beginning stages, a lot may be happening in your dates' life that they are not sharing with you- they don't owe you an explanation when you don't know each other.
If something is off, and you're concerned, raise it in a non-confrontational way, but never act from fear or insecurity. Keep your ego in check!
Give your date space, and time to respond and when the time is right, talk about what’s on your mind and express your feelings without expectation.
If you don’t feel comfortable or reassured by the response, hold back a little, and give your date more space. You will know if it’s a small bump or the end soon enough, without it being forced.
Meanwhile, relax and carry on enjoying your busy life, and connecting with more quality dates.
9. Don't Attach to the Outcome without substance
To avoid overly investing too soon, in the very early stages of dating, never judge, overanalyze the outcome prematurely, or assume anything about the person you're dating or the status of your relationship.
Be present for each moment you’re with your date, and enjoy discovering who they are, their passions, needs, values, and goals.
You’re not in a relationship, even if it feels like it until you have both communicated and confirmed mutual feelings of attraction, and interest to be exclusive with each other and agree you’re in a relationship.
In the meantime, don’t “wait” and see where it’s going. Continue connecting with other potential dates and enjoying your life.
10. Bury the Past - It doesn't determine your Future Relationship Succcess
Do the work to clear most of your baggage, hurt, blind spots, barriers from the past so that it doesn't influence your dating life. Stay aware of yourself and if your reactions are triggered by past wounds, and upset.
Understand this is human, and you can't switch them off overnight, but moving forward optimistically and expecting a better relationship for you, will also support the healing process.
Everyone has past hurts and disappointments. The past doesn’t dictate your future relationship success unless you haven’t done the work to be open and trusting again.
It’s always wise to take it slow and be cautious in any new relationship while you’re building trust, and discovering each other.
Remember it isn’t your new partner’s responsibility to fix your past hurt, and it isn’t fair to impose that expectation on anyone. That's your job!
11. Have a Smart, proactive Plan
In the same way managing your career, business, family life takes planning, and a consistent investment of time energy and effort so does your dating life.
Almost everyone is busy! Filling your life with busy-ness, and not making space and time and being open to attract a relationship won’t result in one. Make sure your busy-ness isn't an excuse.
Create a plan of action and strategy to create opportunities to and start taking steps towards attracting your ideal partner and relationship.
Consider, where your ideal date is likely to be searching for their match or socialising and ensure you’re making your presence known there.
If you’re doing everything, consider refreshing, trying new quality dating sites, as well as different kinds of networking events, that you haven’t tried. Stay open, and be prepared to be surprised.
12. Expect to Attract your Dream Relationship.
Stay positive, resilient and maintain the strong belief within you, that you WILL attract the perfect partner for you. You deserve that, and with effort and being open and receptive it will absolutely happen.
One thing we mustn’t do is give up!
Meanwhile, enjoy your life and the freedom and fun, that being single gives you. The radiance and energy you have doing this, in itself is attractive and sparks interest. Best Maria Christie
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Do you catch yourself thinking, these thoughts about men?
"Men are intimidated by strong women."
"Men are only interested in looks."
"All men are the same"
Perhaps you have discussions with your female friends about why these thoughts, are in your opinions true.
These are fear-based thoughts that are unconsciously keeping you further from love.
They don't serve you and aren't true of quality men who want to attract a committed relationship with a high value, loving woman, like you.
Underpinning these thoughts is pain and disappointments.
Those negative relationship and dating experiences, we've all been hurt by, fuel these biased beliefs, judgments, and assumptions about men.
Despite having these "fears," my guess is you want to attract a meaningful, loving, loyal, committed relationship and be loved.
This kind of relationship, when you have it, has been proven to positively influence our overall happiness and fulfilment in all areas of our lives.
Love is a great healer and motivator.
If you're ready and serious about attracting and keeping a meaningful, committed relationship with a great man– then, you need to retire the belief that your one or two personal bad experiences reflect how all men are. It is not true of all men.
Your past relationships definitely don't dictate your future relationship success, unless you're repeating negative patterns. And you are in control of your future relationship success.
Most women have experienced one bad relationship or two. I certainly have.
The key is how have you grown from it.
As difficult as it feels, these painful experiences, serve as valuable life lessons, and growth opportunities so that we navigate towards healthier, happier relationships.
If you find yourself ruminating about these common man myths, my question to you is;
Are your beliefs affecting the way you present yourself to men?
The simple answer is, they will be. Whether you mean for them to or not.
They're also barriers to love, keeping you off track to meeting the quality, relationship-minded man you deserve to be with.
Unless you release these negative man myths; there is a natural risk; you'll be presenting a cynical, distrustful, guarded vibe, and worse, become the interrogator to find evidence of your negative beliefs. Which you will (I write more about that in my blog post HERE)
These behaviours, deter good quality, emotionally mature men.
Like you, quality men do want to be in a loving, committed, understanding relationship.
With that said, here are some of the most Most Common Myths about Men – DEBUNKED to be UNLEARNED and forgotten about, so that you're not blocking your ideal man from wanting to connect and learn more about you.
1. Men are Intimidated by Strong women.
This is one of the most common misconceptions in dating. It’s assumed that if a woman is intelligent, successful and ambitious, that men are automatically threatened or turned off.
It's often the safe and comfortable conclusion women make if their date doesn’t want to see them again. The reality is, it's more to do, with how you made him feel in your company.
Even though recent research found that there is some truth in this, which isn't surprising. US researchers noted in one study, that the men who had been told they were about to meet a more intelligent woman "distanced themselves more from her, tended to rate her as less attractive, and showed less desire to exchange contact information or plan a date with her."
The truth is a thriving, intelligent woman doesn’t deter a confident, self-assured man with healthy self-esteem, and that’s the kind of Man you want to meet. Confident men are proud to be with intelligent women!
The key is leading with your magnetic feminine energy strengths and qualities at times, especially when you're dating a masculine energy man so that he doesn't feel you're in competition with him and can see you have a "need" and a place for him in your life.
(I have a free guide - 5 ways to ignite your feminine magnetism HERE )
The Second part to this Myth is that Ladies with a strong, Character and opinions deter men.
Differing opinions in conversation is healthy, stimulating and appealing. Agreeing with everything isn’t authentic.
The tone, manner, facial expressions and body language used to convey a difference in opinion is the key.
Being playful, calm, intelligent, assertive, light and feminine when expressing your views and questions are engaging.
Accepting a different point of view, even though it's different to yours, and not judging a person for it, is a powerful skill and shows respect and kindness to another person.
Being confrontational, controlling, opposing or dismissing a point of view - don’t encourage trust, or mutual chemistry to develop.
A smart confident, respectful man who doesn’t feel trusted, relaxed or comfortable to be himself, and speak freely during a date, isn’t generally going to want more of that same feeling.
Also if a lady talks about how she doesn’t ever need anything from a man and projects a tough exterior; this doesn’t encourage a relationship-minded man to invest further.
If he is given the impression that he is disposable, isn't needed and has no purpose in your life, he will move on. A man needs to feel that he does matter in your life. Otherwise, there is no reason for him to be with you.
Balancing your strength, and intelligence with your feminine energy, vulnerability and receptivity to love, is powerful and attractive.
2. If a Man is Single, he doesn’t want to commit /or there's something wrong with him.
If you find yourself wondering what's wrong with a man who is still single, at a certain age, I recommend reflecting that question back to you. What are your reasons?
It's no longer unusual for men and women to settle later in life, after establishing their careers, businesses, financial stability and living and enjoying life more.
When they do, whether it's after divorce or for the first time, like women, they also want to make sure its the right women. (here's a blog post about our new normal in terms of single versus married people HERE )
While there is importance in learning about a man's relationship history, it's unrealistic and unfair to assume anything without discovering who he is as a man at this time in his life, and through his actions.
Research has proven that a relationship-minded man may consider and remain open to more choices when he is single and dating; unlike women, but when he meets a woman he is serious about and is ready, he will commit and secure the relationship faster than women.
This is judged by the one woman he connects with on a deeper level, feels safe with, needed and admired by, regardless of his career, financial status and physical appearance.
Does he feel confident that despite the outer trappings of "manliness", he is genuinely loved and respected?
Feeling emotionally safe with you determines this, through our consistent actions over a period of time.
3. Men aren't in touch with their Emotions as much as Women
Research shows that Men are just as emotional and caring as women, except they are conditioned not to be as expressive or open about their emotions, and can hold back as not to appear weak. Culture obviously influences this.
The fact is, men and women, do communicate differently, show and receive love in their own unique way. The more we understand and respect these differences, the more effortless connecting with a man on a deeper level will be.
For example, just because a man doesn't think the same as you, or isn't responding to something you said in the way you would like, or doesn't act on something you've told him right away doesn't mean he isn't thinking about it or doesn't care about what you're saying.
It may take him an hour, or a day, or sometimes even a week to respond to something you communicated to him, or to answer an important question.
Give him space, chances are he'll get there once he's thought it through. This is especially important in the early stages of dating and relationship.
A man naturally pulls back, at times, to process his thoughts, emotions and to figure things out in his own mind. He needs, this, so respecting it and being there when he leans forward again, without criticism or pressure creates that emotional safety for him.
During this "quiet" phase, the healthy thing to do is invest more energy, caring for you, maintaining your active, busy life, without being energetically attached to him. The right man, will not disappear completely only the wrong man will.
4. Men Only care about Looks.
It’s Human Nature to notice attractive people, and first impressions and looks do count for both women and men. Men are predominantly visual.
But smart men, understand, that it's about more than physical attractiveness though. A woman who looks confident, happy and takes care of herself, has the attitude and character to match is appealing regardless of size, age or style.
A quality man respects a woman who takes care of herself inside out and has that inner, authentic confidence. This is never loud, or attention seeking.
Certainly, our appearance does count. The key is to feel comfortable and confident in yourself, and how you carry yourself, in a classy, elegant way, in keeping with your feminine essence, and natural modern style.
If you feel confident and happy with yourself and present your best self, this inevitably gets noticed by the right kind of man for the right reasons.
"Men aren’t falling in love with you because of your job title, your workout schedule, your hobbies, your degrees, or even the shape of your body. Those things are great, but they aren’t the characteristic that inspires love.
Quality relationship-minded men connect with women based on the way you love, experience, forgive, communicate, and enjoy life. How affectionate, warm and feminine you are. How you express that. Your laugh, your smile, your way of relating. That’s what matters to them. They fall in love with the woman, and the way you inspire them. Do they feel good about who they are around you? They fall in love with the true essence of you as a person. Just you". April Beyer US Matchmaker
"You’ll See it when you Believe it.". Dr Wayne Dyer
All Men are Not the Same.
Be mindful and smart about what you believe, avoid being influenced by your negative experiences and the opinions of others.
Next time you generalise about "men" all being the same, follow that thought with asking yourself is this a fact?
Isolate it to your past experience, then focus on, and live by the standards you do need in your partner.
Stay optimistic open-minded, and balance your heart and your mind to give the right man a chance to reveal himself to you.
P.S. If you’d like to understand men and attraction to avoid second-guessing or waiting again, schedule your Complimentary 45-minute skype coaching conversation with me below to learn more about how I can support you on your dating journey to a successful relationship HERE
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WHEN DO YOU KNOW IF SOMEONE GOOD IS "THE RIGHT PARTNER TO COMMIT TO?"
There is no one perfect partner and no perfect relationship. Only one that is a great fit for you.
As a smart, selective commitment-minded single woman or man, hoping to meet a great partner; your strategy will involve taking the time to think carefully about your non- negotiable needs such as your values, principals, morals, relationship goals.
Your Needs are your bottom line- can't be with someone unless these are met. This list should have no more than five or six vitals, which shouldn't be compromised. If these aren't met you'll be settling, and you should never settle. These define your standards for a partner and relationship.
Your Wantsor preferences should be flexible, things like; looks, interests, education, intelligence, style, body shape. A person shouldn't be defined by these, and happy relationships don't survive on these "preferences" alone
It's great to have an intelligent, successful, great looking partner (your wants) but if they aren't faithful, honest, don't make you feel secure, and can't communicate maturely (good bottom line needs) your relationship will not be happy.
Focussing just on "ideals" without being laser focussed on your bottom line needs, can make the process of attracting and keeping the perfect partner for you frustrating, disappointing and a long one.
The substance of a person beneath the surface always counts more. Pay attention.
Being super attractive, and in good shape is never enough if someone is unkind, rude and immature; And career success and education are never enough if someone’s arrogant and condescending, and plays games.
FIVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO LEARN ABOUT YOUR DATE BEFORE INVESTING YOUR HEART AND EMOTIONS.
While you’re getting to know a potential future long-term partner; these 5 IMPORTANT and often overlooked qualities and traits reveal more depth and substance to the person you're dating.
If these 5 things don’t make you feel safe or impress you; then their looks, education, and even values really don’t count at all.
1) EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY
Have they shown you that you can trust they will be there for you; are they supportive and available when you need them?
A red flag is if they bounce back and forward inconsistently with hot and cold treatment creating confusion.
Do they acknowledge and respect your feelings, without belittling them; can you share opinions freely, without judgment; And are they accepted and respected, even if you don't agree on things.
Are they present? Do they focus without distractions, looking bored or ready to interrupt and needing to control the conversation, and talk about themselves? Do they start advising you on what you should do, or what they would do that's better?
2) WHAT DID THEY LEARN FROM PAST RELATIONSHIPS
The way a person talks about their ex and what they learned from past relationships shows their level of maturity.
Is it negative talk with blame towards the ex and high drama or are they reflective, respectful, and accepting?
There are two sides to every break-up. Stay a little objective.
If your date tells you their past relationship was a nightmare and their ex is a "psycho" for example; be cautious about that until you get to know them better first. A few weeks down the line you may appreciate why their ex-left and will want to do the same.
Can they tell you directly what they learned from their past relationship and how they have grown as a result of it, if at all?
Red flags to look out for are: they don't take accountability at all; have learned nothing; and have a history of repeating negative relationship patterns, like having many short relationships which ended because they thought their partner changed or found petty things which irritated them. Did their ex's leave them and why?
DON'T ASSUME IT WILL BE DIFFERENT WITH YOU- BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT LIKE THEIR EX.
It might be, it might not be. Just don't assume anything, until you've have seen your date in a number of different interactions and situations over time.
3) HOW DO THEY REACT WHEN THEY’RE ANGRY
In the romantic, getting to know you dating stage, we don’t consider what kind of person they are when they’re angry, upset and when things don’t go their way.
I don’t suggest provoking in a game playing way, but tune in to how they react when plans change, or you say "no" to something. Be mindful that until you’ve seen this side of a person, you haven’t really seen them.
Do they shout; are they aggressive, do they shut down?
Are they accountable and apologise?
Getting upset is human, but how it's projected and managed makes all the difference between a mature, stable person who is in the adult phase of emotional maturity and a grown up child.
How will they react when you argue and have challenges, and how will you resolve them.
4) THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH FRIENDS & FAMILY
We know that not everyone has the perfect family. If it isn’t good, how do they feel about it and does it negatively affect other areas of their life; or do they have a healthy accepting attitude about it.
Understanding your dates childhood and family relationships makes you aware and sensitive to their life experiences, and what has shaped them.
Relationship Counselor Bob Grant says;
"One thing people look for in relationships is to heal childhood wounds".
Someone who is self-aware and has done the work on themselves will approach their relationship with more wisdom, insight and empathy.
They will be consciously making smarter choices for themselves to achieve a happy and healthy relationship.
The book "Attached"by Rachel S Heller and Amir Levine is a great resource about the main attachment styles people have; secure/ avoidant/ anxious-needy/ anxious- avoidant, and how they influence our partner selection and relationships)
Great relationships are based on the foundation of friendship. Does the person you're dating have the qualities to be your close and trusted friend?
How about their friends; what role do they play in their friends lives; how loyal, trustworthy and close are those friendships; how do they talk about them? How do their friends influence them?
5) YOUR DIFFERENCES
People often want a partner who shares the same passions experiences, interests or are similar to them in some way.
They unconsciously look for a version of themselves and fear too many differences. It's a safe and limited approach to dating.
Someone with different personality traits, interests, habits and strengths to you can be an exciting dynamic.
As a team, you can learn from each other and bring out the best in other in good times and challenging times.
Those differences can be stimulating, as long as you can accept them, without believing you can change someone later.
You can NEVER change someone or should want to.
People will only be inspired by love to change, adjust and make compromises about some things. It needs skilful, respectful communication and understanding.
Red flags to look out for are: if the person you are dating makes subtle or direct suggestions about aspects of your personality or appearance you need to change, or comments on things they like in others that are different to you. These are controlling, insecure behaviours or ignorance.
It's a common issue, which is naturally taken personally and can slowly erode someone's self-esteem especially if they lack confidence in themselves. There is always room for improvement in everyone, there is no perfect person. But you shouldn't be made to feel "not good enough" by the person you're dating.
In this case, ask yourself what would you advise a friend who is experiencing this to do; and remember your own bottom line needs.
If you need a partner who values, respects and appreciates you; and you're not feeling this, then your time and energy are being wasted on the wrong person, and you need to move on.
Deep lasting, happy, genuine connections aren't instant, and people are imperfect.
Finding the perfect partner for you involves more than a checklist of "ideal" qualities.
It's also about knowing someone's imperfections and issues, which all humans have. Then deciding if you can be with them anyway. Can you accept the mostly great attributes of that person, as well as the bad parts, without compromising your own bottom line needs.
Take the time to observe, listen, and really learn about your date before taking that important step to invest your heart, time and energy
You will know the difference between the "one" and "not the one" when you tune into your dates overall energy, actions, behaviours and attitude over a period of time.
When your bottom-line, non-negotiable needs match, and there is an effortlessly high level of mutual attraction, emotional connection, and chemistry despite knowing your dates flaws and weaknesses; that's someone worthwhile investing more time and energy in.
Stay smart, positive, proactive, FEARLESS, and take it slow
I am often asked, "Where can I find quality Single Men".
It's one of the most asked questions by relationship minded single women I work with.
There are a few elements to the answer, which all link together to create more effortless ways to inspire connection from quality men.
Before identifying a few overlooked places to explore, it's important to be conscious of three keys to inspiring connection. Without these, regardless where you go, you're not likely to see, meet or be approached by quality men.
Three Keys To Meeting Quality Men
1. There isn't One Perfect Place that all Quality Single Men can be found, and fortunately, they're everywhere.
The first and probably the most important thing to consider is that that there isn't one magic place that you will find and connect with quality single men.
You can meet quality single men, everywhere, and there are of course better quality, places than others to consider, which I'll come onto in a moment.
You're likely to be crossing paths, with good quality men on a daily basis, in the most unexpected places, more regularly than you realise.
In coffee shops, in the supermarket, bars, networking events, airports, on public transport. I've met men out of the blue, even at a bus stop during one London tube strike, and we talked for over an hour on our way to work.
If you're contracted, have closed body language, look down, avoid eye contact and are usually rushing to get to your next location on time, it's unlikely you're going to see people around you, especially men, and when they notice you.
I encourage you to begin noticing, the people around you everywhere you go by leaning back, slowing down, in between appointments, and going from A to B.
Make a conscious effort, to look up and around, make eye contact and engage. It's good practice to do this anywhere, without the sole intention of looking out for men.
You want to avoid, having an "agenda" like this, which is easily detected and a turn off for quality men.
Your body language, warmth and approachability should be natural and authentic with everyone you talk to.
The opposite is to ignore everyone, and suddenly "come alive" when a nice looking man is around. We see this all the time, and yes, it does get attention from men, and not necessarily the quality man you want to meet. This emits more of a desperate vibe.
When you're sincerely open, kind, warm, quality men notice you even before you may notice him.
2. Thinking how to "Find" a man adds unnecessary pressure on you and comes from a place of lack.
When you're out, do you notice how some people are approached instead of others and asked directions, the time, or somehow engage in small talk effortlessly?
The people who are approached aren't necessarily the closest in proximity, to the person who wants help. It's the people who appear relaxed, open, warm, friendly, and approachable. This is a universal quality that appeals to all people, and to quality men also.
This applies to connecting with quality men, and shouldn't be reserved for a night out with your girlfriends.
This is why some women, are approached more than others wherever they go.
With that said, I encourage you to avoid thinking about "finding" a man. It comes from a masculine energy place, as it's a "doing" action, like "hunting" rather than being in your feminine receiving energy.
You definitely need to have a proactive and consistent process to create opportunities to meet quality men and inspire attraction in them, that's where you use your masculine planning energy.
Then in practice, you replace the idea and energy of "finding" a quality man, with the intention to create connections, and inspire interest from quality men wherever you go.
Your significant power and influence lie in your effortless feminine, open, warm, engaging, lighthearted, receptive energy.
This is key for quality men to notice you wherever you are.
This should be a genuine natural vibe you convey in contrast to your masculine energy. A quality man can identify the difference between overt attention needing energy, and your sincere, elegant and quiet confidence.
3. Quality Men want to approach, but sometimes need a gentle nudge from you.
Quality masculine energy men will make the first move. They also occasionally need a subtle invitation,to feel safe to talk to you.
It's a mistake to assume this is a weakness. It's evolutionary that he will respond to your perceived receptivity.
Research has found, that your initial cues, may not be noticed until they are more obvious to him.
He will observe and find the opportunity,through your body language and openness, which is where you can help him.
To avoid missing these chances to connect, it's as simple as smiling, asking him a question, or for help, or just saying "Hi, how are you?" without attachment to an outcome.
Without practising the above keys, you're not likely to connect to great single men you're crossing paths with on a daily basis.
The Overlooked Places You can Meet Quality Men
While I mentioned you can meet quality men everywhere. If the places you're going to are limited, so are your chances.
You want to approach this by thinking about where your ideal man is likely to be during the week, socialise and spend his time on weekends and special holidays.
A common mistake is thinking about this from your point of view, and where you like to go.
If your community is small, it's worthwhile, expanding your reach to increase your opportunities also.
It's important to remember that your future ideal partner, may not share all the same interests as you, and he doesn't need to.
He may love cycling or hiking every Sunday, and you prefer spending time with your family. It doesn't mean you aren't compatible in the most significant ways. ( I've written about this here).
Bars and Singles events are the most thought of. They will have a high volume of men and women, but the chances of quality connections happening are lower, as there's more " competition.
And feeling as though you have to compete for a man's attention isn't appealing or necessary as there are many untapped place to try.
Infact Eharmony reported that only 2% of couples meet at a bar
By expanding your sense of curiosity to try new places quality men are likely to spend their time, and practising the keys above, your chances of connecting with men will increase effortlessly.
Set the Intention to Say Yes and try at least 2-5 New locations a week or month depending on your schedule.
I encourage you to try a few of these alone also. Or if you're meeting friends at a venue, try arriving a little earlier.
Uncommon Places to Mingle to be Found by Quality Men
1. Free and paid, Business Conferences, Seminars and Exhibitions, Galleries.
3. Social networking Events & Parties at high-end quality venues.
4. Adult education creative classes: Photography, Art, Business, IT
5. Quality Coffee Shops, Wine Bars, Restaurants during "happy after work hours" in Business districts in your location
6. Nature Activities. Parks- Dog parks if you have one. I know a couple who crossed paths walking their dogs in the park. The beach, hiking, golf, walking and running clubs. Consider trying new sporting activities that interest you.
7. Allow your trusted friends, and family to help you if they understand your type.
8. Work networking opportunities.
9. Quality Male orientated whiskey, cigar, wine bars
10. Upscale Hotel bars, and events: especially where conferences and seminars are taking place.
11. Generally following your passions, and interests creates connections with like-minded men and women. Don't forget, women, and men have single male relatives, friends, and colleagues, which is another reason to engage with everyone. You never know what doors those connections will open.
Whether you belong to a theatre group, running or tennis club. The enthusiasm and love you have for your passions and interests are naturally magnetic and attractive. So ensure you do invest time nurturing those.
12. Quality ONLINE relationship orientated sites. If you're not on quality sites already, you're missing out on an impactful, low effort way to instantly connect with hundreds of quality relationship-minded men.
Which five new places will you try in the next two weeks?
If you're not using Online Dating, which one will you try first?
Where are you avoiding going to create more opportunities to connect with quality men?
Implementing these steps consistently will create new opportunities for you to connect with quality men hoping to meet you.
To design and attract your dream relationship with confidence, contact me for your complimentary coaching conversation HERE
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The way we normally date is by default. We follow our instincts, and feelings and this can yield positive dating experiences and successful lasting relationships, or a pattern of short-lived relationships, and disappointing dates.
You may have reached a point, where you're aware that the way you are dating for a lasting relationship isn't resulting in your desired goal- the dream relationship you would love to be experiencing.
It's more common than you may realise. We've all experienced the same disappointments at some point.
It's inevitable, to some extent, as we don't invest the time, energy, and dedication to learn how to date successfully and succeed in relationships happily as we do in our careers, our businesses, education, our hobbies and passions.
If you are not moving closer to your dream relationship, it's important to be aware and acknowledge that the way you are dating right now, may not be serving you.
If you're completely honest, what's missing?
I'm sharing the 14 Common Dating traps that Single women and men easily fall into.
These have been identified by David Steele, the Founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute and the Author of Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life & the Life That You Love
These are a valuable guideline, to support you to recognise if you have fallen for one of these traps so that you can shift your dating approach to date successfully and attract your ideal quality, high-value partner and dream relationship, without the frustration and confusion.
Here they are:
1. Marketing Trap
You believe that you need to make yourself more appealing to attract and "sell" yourself with an attractive packaging and presentation. When you fall into the marketing Trap, you fear that nobody will want you as you really are. By "marketing" yourself, you risk disappointment and relationship failure. So, when the excitement and promise of the "sizzle" conflicts with the reality of the "steak," one or both of you are left feeling disappointed and angry.
2. Packaging Trap
You focus on outside packaging - such as someone's body, looks, job, wealth, material possessions - and overlook the reality of the person inside. The Packaging Trap is the opposite of the Marketing Trap: instead of seeking to sell yourself with attractive packaging, you focus on the packaging of others.
3. Scarcity Trap
You believe there is a limited supply of possible partners, and therefore think that you have to take what you can get or be alone. The Scarcity Trap results in relationship failure because there is a temptation to settle for less: you believe you can't get what really want because there is not enough to go around. Unfortunately,it's a self-fulfilling prophecy because when you expect less, you get less.
4. Compatibility Trap
Assuming that if you have fun together and get along well, you are compatible and a committed relationship will work. Results in relationship failure when discovering the vast difference between a fun-focused, recreational "dating" relationship, and a serious long-term committed relationship. Being so different, the process and criteria for choosing a recreational relationship needs to be very different from choosing a Life Partner.
5. Fairytale Trap
Passively expecting your ideal partner to magically appear and live happily ever after without effort on your part. Believing that finding your soul mate will just "happen". Results in disappointment when the frogs that happen to jump into your life don't become princes.
6. Date-to-Mate Trap
Becoming an "instant couple" as if giving each person you date an extended test drive. Believing that if you develop an exclusive relationship with someone you are dating, a successful committed relationship will eventually happen.
Other terms for this are "Serial Monogamy" and the "Mini-Marriage. This approach is a costly use of time and emotional energy. The inertia in this trap is pressure to make the relationship work, attempt to solve unsolvable problems, and fit the round peg in the square hole because breaking up and being single again is an undesired outcome.
7. Attraction Trap
Making relationship choices based on feelings of attraction. Interpreting a strong attraction to someone as a sign that the relationship is a good choice and "meant to be".
This approach results in relationship failure when unsolvable problems surface because you ignored the red flags while infatuated. Unconscious choices usually result in repeating unproductive past patterns. Attraction is like the radar that helps you find your target. But the Attraction Trap is blindly following this radar.
8. Love Trap
Interpreting infatuation, attraction, need, good sex, and/or attachment as Love. "If it feels good, it must be Love." "Love is all you need." "Love conquers all." You feel so in love that you believe it must be a good relationship. After the initial infatuation is gone; you spend the rest of your time together just trying to get it back.
9. Sex Trap
Focusing on the chemistry under the covers by interpreting sex as love, using sex as a kind of "compatibility test" (if the sex is good then the relationship will be good as well), or becoming emotionally attached and considering yourself in a kind of committed relationship as soon as you have sex.
10. Rescue Trap
Hoping a relationship will solve your emotional and financial difficulties and bring you happiness and fulfillment, something like winning the lottery. You avoid taking responsibility for your life challenges, expecting to be rescued from them. Results in desperation, neediness, and relationship failure when your problems multiply instead of disappear.
11. Co-dependent Trap
You expect someone to love you and give you what you want by giving the other person what he/she wants. You attempt to earn love and happiness by acquiescing, giving and helping. You really want to be in a relationship. You feel that you are not worthy as you are, and need to earn love.
You pursue relationships hard because you feel incomplete when you're not in one. You want to be the hero and therefore seek someone who wants to be helped. But you learn the hard way that although it feels good to be needed, someone who needs you is not necessarily able to give you what you need. Needing to be needed often results in unconsciously attracting and choosing a relationship with a person who needs you, but - as you later discover - is unable to give you what you want.
12. Entitlement Trap
Believing you deserve to be happy and get what you want in your life without effort or changes on your part. Results in relationship failure as you rely on your partner to bring happiness and fulfillment and inevitably experience disappointment. "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got."
13. Virtual Reality Trap
Believing that "what you see is what you get." Making hasty long-term relationship decisions based on short-term impressions and inferences instead of actual experience and knowledge.
Getting involved in a relationship focusing on "potential," hoping that some things that you really need to happen will get better or change over time. Results in seeing what you want to see, and relationship failure when later reality doesn't match.
14. Lone Ranger Trap
You live your single life focused on your goal of finding your life partner, believing that you don't need anyone else in your life. You evaluate people you meet for their relationship potential and do not take the opportunity to cultivate new friends. Results in isolation, perception of scarcity of potential partners, and risk of settling for less than what you really want because you don't want to be alone.
One or more of these Dating Traps have been experienced by most people, and certainly, many dating coaches at some point or another including me.
The first step is to acknowledge your pattern of dating, without judgement.
The next step is, to be honest with yourself, and reflect on what it is you need in your future relationship.
Then, explore how you will begin to shift your pattern, and what support you need.
As Einstein told us, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.
You deserve the relationship you dream of having. In order to attract that, you will need to adjust your approach to dating, your mindset, and have a clear plan as to how you will attract the right, healthy happy relationship that meets your needs.
Take time to reflect and decide what you need, without filtering yourself, and take time to adjust and implement, your new approach to dating in order to attract your quality, high-value partner.
Your Dream Relationship is absolutely possible for you, and with the simple insights, clarity, resilience and dating savvy, you can attract it, effortlessly.
If you'd like support with how to begin to do this, let's connect!
Schedule your complimentary coaching conversation with me below
Sound familiar? These are opinions we hear all the time. Quite a limiting fear based beliefs aren't they.
They are caused by one or two real and painful personal experiences, and the effect is a jaded perspective and a closed heart.
These statements aren't truthfully complete. Shouldn’t we be adding in front of each statement...
I worry that...…. There are no Good Men out there
It’s happened to me so I now think….. All married men cheat!
Isn’t this what we really mean?
It’s human to fall into this way of thinking at some point in life; the trouble is these opinions stick and stay for too long.
Until someone proves us wrong. So the wait begins for the one who will prove us wrong! It can take months, years even!.
If attracting your Dream Relationship in 2018 is one of your heart goals, now is the time to make sure you are relationship ready and to make the decision to embrace a fresh positive, approach and outlook to meeting someone special…and acting on it in a smart high value.
"Whatever you hold in your mind on a consistent basis is exactly what you will experience in your life"… Anthony Robbins
If you want to find someone special and have the committed loyal relationship you deserve in 2018, here are some Simple things you need to STOP doing now
1) Don’t allow yourself generalize about "men". You haven't met them all.
They drain your enthusiasm, energy and perspective towards dating; and the chance to meet someone great. If you believe all the negative things about men or women, how will you know when you’ve met someone great!
Instead: approach dating in the New Year with a clean slate, and be prepared to be surprised. Everyone is an individual. UNLEARN the old way of thinking, doing, believing and let go of the same old assumptions and limited opinions about how ALL men and ALL women are! Sure there are people out there with different intentions, relationship goals, and values to you, but it’s simple to navigate away from those, and invest your energy and time on the worthwhile ones who deserve it.
2) Don’t Compromise on your Standards, Relationship Goals, Values, Principals & Boundaries
Be clear about your core needs and what you are looking for such as family, children, beliefs, worldview, goals, work ethic, what you stand for, where you will live.
Someone will only disrespect these if you allow them. Don’t settle on your core needs just to be with someone for now.
The energy and time invested in someone not right for you, is taking time away from you meeting the right person.
3) Don’t keep doing the same thing, and expect different results.
If you have decided that you are ready to meet someone, be ready, relaxed, fearless and open to it.
Try different approaches to connect with like-minded people and think out of the box- you could meet someone great anywhere. I provide an offline matchmaking service as an alternative, there are hundreds out there internationally, and quality international dating sites.
If you limit your routine and search, your chances are limited as well. When you are out, be friendly, chatty, happy, light and approachable. If your heads down and you look standoffish nobody will come close. If you’re out, make an effort to talk to people you don’t know- light banter, small talk. If someone doesn’t smile back, or show interest – so be it, move on, Next! Don’t take anything personally or too seriously. If you are happy, it shows and attracts people to you.
4) Don’t make assumptions or be judgmental about how someone thinks or is;
Instead: Practice having a genuine two-way conversation with them, and really pay attention. When you take time to get to know someone, their intentions, actions, and character are clear. You don’t know anyone until you have talked to them personally over a period of time. Never rush and don’t feel pressured by anyone. It’s only a chat after all not marriage.
5) Don’t dismiss someone because there isn’t instant chemistry and attraction.
It would be nice to experience the same buzz we did in our teens and 20s when we met someone new. But after 35 it may be a slower burn. Mature Relationship ready Singles want a partner who offers security, safety, commitment, loyalty and depth. Chemistry and attraction can grow given the chance. It’s a process of connection. You will know after a few dates.
6) Don’t be too picky, expect perfection or have a long unrealistic inflexible list
about Physical attributes: height, looks, size, and fitness levels. You may be missing a great connection with someone who doesn’t fit the physical profile. Don’t set an impossible standard for yourself and others. Be realistic and flexible.
7) Don’t take yourself or dating too seriously
Secure Relationship ready women and men don’t have time to waste, want to enjoy dating and meet interesting new people.
If you show no interest, are too self- absorbed and too guarded they will move on quickly.
Approach dating as though you are meeting a great friend, be yourself, open, fun, relaxed, playful, interesting and sincere! If you are too heavy, detailed, complain, analyze, test, challenge your date or their beliefs and opinions it’s not enjoyable and doesn’t encourage someone to spend more time with you. Being able to laugh with your date is a fantastic start to hopefully more great and fun dates.
So with these tips in mind, I hope you take lots of positive action to have the life and love you want in the New Year because You deserve it.
Stay positive, hopeful and happy!
If you'd like to talk about you, and Attracting your Dream Relationship in 2018, schedule you compliementary coaching conversation below.
In my recruitment career, I used to feel excited when I met that one impressive candidate with the “edge” who was a perfect match over a sea of boring, unmemorable, ones.
They would meet the criteria for the job role, and more importantly, they had the attitude, character, and goals which were the perfect fit.
This counted more than academic credentials and depending on the role, even experience.
It's much the same in dating.
You're "interviewing" many potential matches, to see if you're compatible and if there's a shared interest to discover more about each other, in a low-pressure way.
For each role much like in dating, we had at least 5 non-negotiable must have's, as well as the non-essential preferences for the ideal candidate.
We maintained those non-essential standards, without compromise.
The implications and consequences of not upholding those non-negotiables would impact on our guest service, our success as a business, the moral of the team, etc.
We would be settling for low-quality standards, which doesn't work in the 5 Star Hospitality environment- or in any high quality business environment.
During the 90-day probation (discovery) period we'd express our standards and expectations, as well as understanding his or hers, and if we noticed we weren't on the same page.i.e. there was no consistency, follow through, a bad attitude, tardiness, disrespect and lack of progress, well, we didn't continue the relationship and wished them all the best.
This principle applies in dating, yet it's a blind spot for many smart, strong, successful women.
It's important to balance the head and the heart and tune into your feelings each step of the way.
So let's reaffirm the importance of doing this because ultimately you decide how you want to be treated by the man you're dating.
Compromising your dating standards doesn't move you towards your Dream Relationship.
What are your non-negotiable top 5 star standards about how you want to be treated?
I work with successful, smart, strong women, who know their standards about how they want to be treated by a quality man, yet at times dance around upholding them during the early discovery period and beyond.
One example is that they are too flexible, and accommodating of behaviour and actions that don't meet their standards from the men they're dating, during the "probation" period.
Accepting last minute meet up requests and generally being available when they ask
Accepting texting conversations, rather than a personal phone call
Overlooking a broken arrangement to meet. i.e. disappearing and re-connecting a few days later without mention of the plans you discussed.
Being too available at this convenience for example after he disappeared in between conversations and dates, and reappearing to ask you to meet or chat, making you feel like an afterthought.
Perhaps rearranging your diary, and other commitments not to "lose" the opportunity to see him again. Sometimes before he's confirmed, or following up with him to verify because he hasn't.
Accepting or justifying the reasons, he isn't investing in you as much as you would like and hanging in there anyway. i.e. Too busy, Too stressed, Family Drama or no courteous reason at all, but pleased he made contact eventually.
By remaining available and investing time with him, and ignoring the facts (red flags) that his behaviour and actions are "showing you", and what you're intuition is telling you.
Not knowing or wanting to express your needs and showing him your standards, out of fear of how he will perceive you.
Your 5 Star Standards and how you express and embody them, in a feminine way, distinguish you as a High-Value Woman.
This begins with how you want to be treated, and conveying that in a low pressure, way through your actions, and by how you express yourself.
It begins with having absolute clarity, about what these are, then distancing your self from men who "show" you low-quality behaviour and actions, which don't meet your standards.
Here are a few shared qualities High-Value men or the Nice guys with "Edge" have which inspire attraction in women.
Looks, wealth, career success etc. have some importance but don't sustain deep attraction and connection alone.
These will support you to decide, what behaviours are not ok for you when you're dating and in a relationship with a man.
WHICH OF THESE HIGH-VALUE BEHAVIOURS WILL YOU NOT COMPROMISE ON IN A MAN
1) THEY ARE PRO-ACTIVE, NOT REACTIVE
They have a plan and goals, in life and apply this to dating. They make an effort; take the initiative and take the lead by making plans and following through.
2) LASER FOCUSSED ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
They know what they are looking for in a relationship, why they want it, have a vision about what it will look and feel like, and take consistent action to attract it with class, quiet confidence, and style.
3) HONEST AND HAVE INTEGRITY
They are honest and respectful of the people in their lives. Even it means someone may be upset with them. They understand that being upfront and reliable is more respectful and expect it themselves.
4) KIND, THOUGHTFUL, CARING AND GENEROUS
They invest time with people, because they care and genuinely want to, not because they are going to gain something in return.
In dating, they are upfront about whether they are looking for casual dating or for a relationship. If the woman he is dating is looking for a relationship and he is not, he has the integrity not to mislead her and lets her go before intimacy under false pretence.
He has a genuine spirit of generosity with his time, energy and understands that dating means paying for his date for the first few dates at least. (point 12 relates to this point also)
5) INDEPENDENT OPINIONS
They are independent thinkers, express their opinions respectfully, and respect and appreciate views that are different to theirs.
They are inspired by passions in their life, whether it’s their career, hobbies, or interests and actively get involved or are working towards it. If they hate their job, they don’t focus on that, they find enjoyment in their passions and work towards changing their circumstances.
7) RELIABLE AND FOLLOW THROUGH
They can manage and handle the busy-ness with low drama. They do what they say they're going to do, and mean what they say. When necessary work, personal events take over they call, and re-schedule or are upfront. They don't make plans and don't mean them. They don’t hide. They also challenge themselves to push past their own comfort zones.
8) EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT.
They have reached the “Adult” phase of Emotional Intelligence or working towards it. They can communicate openly, honestly, and confidently about what they want and need and listen equally even though it may feel uncomfortable to them. (the 3 stages of emotional intelligence)
9) RESPECT WOMEN
They appreciate and respect women in their own right, and don’t buy into generalisations and stereotypes. They understand the woman he's dating is equally busy with her career, and personal life.
10) EVOLVED ROMANTICALLY
High-value men have evolved beyond their teenage/ manchild behaviour with regard to romance and sex. They don’t rely on the low-quality adolescent tactics, and manipulation to connect with women.
They are more confident, discreet, subtle and sincere. They understand that connecting and romancing a high-value- women don't come from a place of neediness, but starts with being genuine and approaching her as a friend, not a conquest.
They make decisions with confidence; if it’s planning a date, he decides the place. If his date suggests somewhere else, he listens, considers otherwise he sticks to his decision, and doesn’t flounder.
They are strong and have clear boundaries. He isn’t a pushover and communicates easily and directly if someone has crossed his boundaries. He is astute and aware when someone is taking advantage of his good nature or not appreciating him, and handles it in a low-drama way.
They have healthy self-esteem and have great conversations easily with a variety of different people. They don’t have the need to be the centre of attention and genuinely enjoy listening and showing interest in people.
They consciously bring a good energy and vibe to their dates and want to leave people with a good feeling.
If they are unclear or confused by a situation, they ask questions with the view to understanding someone’s position, feelings, thoughts without pre-judgment or assumptions.
15) KNOW THEIR VALUE AND ARE HUMBLE
They have an aura of quiet confidence. They have developed the capability to be open to love despite their fears and occasional self-doubt, which is human nature. They don't allow their fears to hold them back; they can handle rejection with grace and without taking it personally.
They don’t need validation from outside sources in the form of material possessions or lots of attention to feel good- they just feel good.
16) DOESN'T TAKE HIMSELF TOO SERIOUSLY.
They have the high quality to be able to laugh at themselves, and not take themselves too seriously. The laugh easily and have a healthy, smart sense of humour.
These are just a few, and some may not be as important to you, like consistency, and reliability.
Nobody is perfect, successful dating requires an awareness of yourself and the person you want to attract and be in a relationship with.
So the next step is to clarify your own standards about how you want to be treated, which will help you discern if your date is a suitable potential candidate.
Following that, it's important to stay tuned into your intuition and recognise that you cannot change anybody.
When he is showing you who he is, and his actions and behaviour don't meet your needs, your power is to chose whether you will accept it, or walk away from it, because you know in the long run it won't make you happy.
Attraction is very subjective and individual.
For the best opportunities to attract and keep your ideal quality partner you want, it’s also important to understand the values, behaviours, energy, attitude your perfect partner is looking for; without assuming or pre-judging.
It isn’t usually what you have been led to believe or hear from people around you, who are sharing their opinions based on their perceptions, personal experiences, lives and not yours.
Ask yourself ...
1) What are my top five non negotiable dating standards.
2) What do I need a partner, and how do I ensure my needs are met?
3) What does the man I want to attract want in a partner?
4) What qualities inspire him that I am not practising as much?
5) What can I do to develop these qualities?
If you have identified all of these, with clarity and confidence, based on facts, and what's right and embody them, daily you already have the edge in dating.
You're also much closer than you think to your perfect “candidate” and loving relationship.
To feel prepared to attract your ideal high-quality man in 2018 and beyond schedule your free clarity conversation below.
You're also invited to join your own private Facebook community HERE of like-minded, inspiring, multi-passionate, smart, women like you (aka sheroes), who don't want just any relationship, but an inspired dream relationship and fulfilled life without compromise.
See you on the Inside
Best Maria xx
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