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If you’ve ever been stuck in analysis paralysis, overthinking every aspect of dating and life in general, this video is for you! Learn 6 steps to STOP overthinking. —

Are you a chronic worrier? Do you overanalyze everything people say or do? If you are plagued with constant rumination and second guessing, I can help. I created a video just for you. In it, I outline six steps to stop overthinking in life and love. Some of them may surprise you…

How to Stop Overthinking in Life and Love

Watch the video for an in-depth look at how to stop overthinking.

How To Stop Overthinking In Life & Love - YouTube

Summary of the 6 Steps to Stop Overthinking

1. Awareness. Notice when you’re stuck in your head. What’s happening in your body? If your muscles are tight, take a few deep breaths and relax.

2. Focus on what you CAN control. Keep the focus on staying present, not focused on the past or the future, which you can’t control. Begin to think about the problems you can solve. 

3. Look at evidence. Ask yourself if what you’re thinking is true. Challenge your thoughts. Separate from the emotions you’re feeling, and only focus on what you know to be true.

4. Create a daily worry dump. Spend 10-20 minutes a day writing in a journal, dumping all that you are worried about, ruminating, or mulling over. When you see it written down, you can decide what’s worth focusing on, and what you can let go of.

5. Adapt a mindfulness practice. Bring your awareness to the present throughout your day. Be here now, and your brain will stop overthinking. You might want to get a meditation app to help you stay calm.

6. Do something different. Don’t tell yourself to stop thinking about something; it will only make you focus on that thing even more. Do something else, like exercise, getting involved in a work project, or talking to someone about a different topic. 

The next time you catch yourself overthinking in life or love, practice these six steps. Before you know it, your overthinking brain will calm down. You be able to trust your brilliant intuition without second guessing. Ahhhhh, what a relief that will be!

P.S. If you are an over thinker, you may be sabotaging your love life (without even knowing it). I see it every day…Smart successful women who overanalyze and overthink their way OUT of a relationship instead of in.

If you’re ready to stop overthinking and welcome in a deeply fulfilling relationship with a quality man who adores you… I would LOVE to talk to you!

I have a few spots open in my coaching practice. Click here to apply for one of my complimentary breakthrough sessions and learn how I can help you find lasting love.

Are you an over-thinker? If so, what do you do to calm your brain? Please share in the comments below.

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In this episode of Last First Date Radio, I had a dynamic conversation with Andre Paradis about how successful women can find love. Check it out! —

I had a lively conversation with my radio guest, Andre Paradis, about why successful women struggle to find love. Andre is a certified life coach, entrepreneur, business owner, dancer, and artist who teaches singles and couples how to create and maintain successful relationships. As the founder of Project Equinox, he helps couples reduce power struggles by teaching them to understand one another, communicate effectively, and negotiate differences.

Check out highlights for episode #306: How Our Culture Gets Love Wrong, with Andre Paradis.

Why Successful Women Struggle to Find Love You’ve had an interesting life that brought you to the work you do today. Can you tell us a little about your journey?

I felt like I was born into the wrong family. I began observing people in my family, and then became an observer of life and all people. I learned so much by being curious about everyone. I danced as a teen, and had a career in jazz dance with Michael Jackson and other big hitters. I did this for 15 years.

My wife is a prima ballerina, and we wanted to start a family. So, I stopped traveling and opened an auto body shop. I love restoring old cars. This was phase two of my life.

I am the ultimate teacher, so about ten years ago, I ended up in a workshop with Alison Armstrong called Understanding Women, and it changed my life. I couldn’t believe what I didn’t know. I began to understand my wife so much better. That’s how phase three of my life as a relationship coach started.

Why do successful women struggle to find love?

In dating, a lot of successful women show up on a date sharing their accomplishments [instead of their hearts]. Men are looking to see if you’re fun, receptive to him, and if you will add quality to his life. Do you get where he’s coming from and accept his quirks? Vulnerability is key to keeping him interested in asking for a second date.

Share your passions. Share your heart. Men are looking for the heart, as they’re always in their heads, thinking of the future. Women can bring men to the present. That’s hot to him.

In today’s culture, women are empowered, and men are softer. Women and men naturally bring the complement to each other. But, when women are too much in their masculine energy in dating, they turn men off. Masculine men find masculine energy women irritating. We’ve switched roles in business, but in dating, it is destroying the ability to build romance.

How can we change the dynamic of successful women in the dating world?

You can choose the energy you wish to show up with on a date. One of my clients prepares for a date after work with music in the car to get her into her feminine. Some change their shoes from flats to pumps, even if going to the grocery store. Shift your energy from results-oriented to openness. Men will see and respond to you.

Men find your power interesting, but not attractive. A man wants to make your life better. You have to show him your need for him, and he’ll puff up, because you allowed him to help you.

Some men were shamed out of being masculine, so they don’t [take the lead with women]. That leaves women feeling like men don’t care. If you turn on your feminine and allow him to show up and be more masculine, he’ll step into his masculinity.

Don’t open your own door if you want him to open it. You give him permission to be the man and re-cultivate the masculinity in him. Some men won’t step up, and that’s okay…they won’t be for you.

What are your final thoughts for successful women who want to find love?

Do you want to be a career woman or a woman with a career?

If you want to be a woman with a career, family and relationships come first. What is it that you want? If it’s a family and kids, focus on that.

You can find Andre at projectequinox.net

It’s really really important to have our podcast reviewed. If our show has provided value or helped you in any way over the years, please:

1. Leave us a review on iTunes and share how the show has helped you or inspired you to move ahead. Here’s our show on iTunes.

AND, here’s a quick tutorial on how to leave a review via your computer or phone.

2. Share with your friends, family and colleagues. If you’ve got people in your life who are looking for a good dating and relationship podcast to subscribe to, recommend Last First Date Radio!

Listen to/download this episode here:

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Are you struggling to find love? You might be emotionally unavailable. Check out these 5 signs that you may not be available for a relationship right now. —

Many women complain about the frustration of dating or being in a relationship with men who are emotionally unavailable. If that sounds like you, check out 10 Signs You’re Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Man.

Many times, the reason you attract an emotionally unavailable man is because you’re emotionally unavailable yourself. This can be a hard truth to swallow, but if you want to succeed at this thing called love, you need to be honest with your contribution to the issues you’re having. The good news is, once you uncover the problems, you can find solutions. That’s where I come in to connect the dots and give you a clear path to lasting love.

Are YOU Emotionally Unavailable? Watch the video to learn 5 signs that you’re emotionally unavailable.
5 Signs You're Emotionally Unavailable - YouTube
Here are the 5 signs that you’re emotionally unavailable:

1. You look for ways to rule men out instead of in. 

2. You’re reactive and easily triggered.

3. You struggle with self-love. (If you’re self-critical, it’s hard for a man to love you.)

4. You haven’t let go of your ex yet.

5. You’re a perfectionist. You are holding out for perfect in all areas of life, and you’re often disappointed.

Are you emotionally unavailable? If so, which of the five signs describe you best?

Want to become emotionally available? I’d love to help you find the lasting love you deserve.

Coaching is for you if…
  • You can commit to keeping an open heart and mind
  • You love to learn and grow
  • You recognize there are times you need professional help to guide you to your most important life goals
  • You feel that, with my help, you can find the love you’ve been praying and yearning for

Click here to set up a time to talk and discover how coaching can help you go from emotionally unavailable to AVAILABLE and ready to LET LOVE IN!

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In the era of the #metoo movement, it’s important to not only speak up, but to heal from sexual trauma. Today’s radio guest is an expert in this area. Listen to this important episode.

My radio guest, Carolin Hauser-Carson, spoke about her process for healing from sexual trauma. She is a German trained Naturopathic Doctor, Humanistic Psychotherapist, and Family Constellations Facilitator. She is the author of the books, Blossom and The Pleasure IQ.

An internationally-recognized teacher on the subjects of healing and women’s empowerment for almost two decades, Carolin combines her knowledge to help women have love-filled lives that flow with ease and amazing results. Her work is based on the intersection of where the human body and experience meets past–and even ancestral–trauma, and shows how each individual’s authentic and true self is the source of one’s own good – a place of unlimited abundance, creativity, courage, and joyful existence.

Highlights below for episode #305: What’s Next After #MeToo—7 Steps to Sexual Healing.

7 Steps to Healing from Sexual Trauma Carolin, what is your connection to #metoo?

When I was 10, I suffered from anorexia and bulimia, and it lasted until my 20’s. That’s when I finally began a treatment called family constellations. I healed within 6 months. I was trying to figure out what to do with my life, and my friend told me that because of my incredible experience with healing through family constellations, I needed to help others heal, so I studied to become a naturopathic physician, psychotherapist and healer.

When my daughter turned three, memories of my childhood sexual abuse came back [that was the age I was when I was abused by my grandfather]. I was surprised. I thought I had already worked through the abuse. My spiritual mentor helped me realize that healing from my abuse was part of my purpose. That’s why I wrote Blossom, a book about healing from sexual abuse.

What are the seven steps to healing from sexual trauma or abuse?

B.L.O.S.S.O.M. is an acronym for the 7 steps to healing.

  1. B: Bringing your mind on board. Letting your subconscious know what the journey will be to reduce resistance.
  2. L: Landing within yourself. The healing is body-centric. Use your body as a healing tool.
  3. O: Opening to intuition. Connection to your higher self. This is the part that will keep us safe and lead to greater fulfillment.
  4. S: Seeing with the eyes of truth. Take responsibility. Learn how to step out of a victim position. Take back your control. Learn how you gave away your power and how you can help others heal through your healing.
  5. S: Stretch beyond your limits. If your body was a house, the abuse is as if lightning has struck your house. The healing is going into your house and finding the parts that were melted. You will learn how to heal your body.
  6. O: Own all of who you are. Move into integration between your masculine and feminine energies.
  7. M: Meet the world and your beloved. This is learning how to be safe in the world and be the person you were meant to be. If you’re already in a relationship, you can use these tools to improve your relationship. If you’re not in a relationship, this gives you the tools to invite in a romantic relationship again.

Listen to the podcast to find out:

How can women feel safe with men again? How did Carolin meet her second husband and soulmate Paul?

Don’t give up hope of finding love. If you have the feeling ‘the one’ is out there for you, it’s true. Your souls are already connected.

Take the free pleasure IQ quiz on Carolin’s website here.

Check out her website to learn more about healing from sexual trauma.

It’s really really important to have our podcast reviewed. If our show has provided value or helped you in any way over the years, please:

1. Leave us a review on iTunes and share how the show has helped you or inspired you to move ahead. Here’s our show on iTunes.

AND, here’s a quick tutorial on how to leave a review via your computer or phone.

2. Share with your friends, family and colleagues. If you’ve got people in your life who are looking for a good dating and relationship podcast to subscribe to, recommend Last First Date Radio!

Listen to/download this episode here!

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Ever date an emotionally unavailable man? You know how heartbreaking it can be. Watch this video and learn how to stop investing any more energy in emotionally unavailable men! —
How many times have you dated a man—for a month, six months, a year, a decade—only to learn he was emotionally unavailable for a relationship?
Watch this video to learn the ten signs that will help you QUICKLY identify whether he is available or not, so you can go on YOUR LAST FIRST DATE!

10 Signs You’re Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Man - YouTube
10 Signs You’re Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Man

1. Focuses on sex/intimacy right Away. 

2. You feel like a last minute option, not a priority.

3. Complains about or still attached to past relationships.

4. He tells you he’s not available for a relationship right now.

5. Out of sight, out of mind. (You feel great when you’re together, but anxious when you’re apart.)

6. Doesn’t show emotion or empathize with you. 

7. Says loving words, but his actions tell a different story. 

8. He disengages by:

  • Working long hours.
  • Drinking too much
  • Spending a long time away from you
  • Avoiding difficult conversations
  • Keeping secrets

9. He’s nice to you, but not nice to others. 

10. Doesn’t escalate the relationship. 

 (The video goes into greater detail about each of these signs.)
How do you attract an emotionally available man?
1. Know what you absolutely must have and what your deal-breakers are.
2. Set clear boundaries with men (and everyone else in your life).
3. Speak up from the very start.
4. Get curious about him instead of making assumptions.
5. Be ruthlessly picky about the RIGHT things, and let all the small stuff go.
This is what I teach in my group and private coaching. When you learn to really love yourself first, know that you have tremendous self-worth, and believe that you need a man who’s going to treat you like the woman of value you already are, you will attract in a man who cherishes you.
Want to learn more about how I can help YOU attract in an emotionally available quality man? Click here.
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[VIDEO] If you find it hard to stay positive while dating, you’re not alone. Here are 4 super tips on becoming a dating optimist on your journey to true love.

Is it hard for you to stay positive while dating? For many people, dating can be frustrating. You go on first dates with men who lied about their age and bore you to death with endless stories about themselves. And then, you finally see someone online with potential. Nice looking, seems pretty ‘normal’, interesting, bright, and fun. You do a little happy dance. You start a conversation on Bumble or Tinder, Match or OkCupid. You exchange a few texts or emails, and then…radio silence. Argh!

Or, you go on a first date, and you have a great time. Conversation flows. You even make out at the end of the date. You agree to see each other again. And then…poof! He disappears. Oh no!

It’s natural to want to stop dating. There are obviously no quality people to date. And you’d rather be single than settle, right? Women get cats and men go to the gym or bar seven days a week.

Well, it doesn’t have to be that way. There really are wonderful quality people to date.

Don’t give up! The challenge is to keep on going, maintain your self-esteem, and stay positive. And if you put the following 4 tips into practice, it will help you enjoy the journey to true love. 

4 Ways to Stay Positive While Dating

Watch this short video. Then, read the tips below so you don’t have to take notes.

4 Ways to Stay Optimistic When Dating Gets You Down - YouTube

1. Remember: Dating is a journey, not a destination.

Most dates don’t lead to long-term relationships. You might want to think of those dates as detours on the road to love. If you’re looking for love, you are searching for someone special, not just anyone.

It takes time and effort to sift through potential matches until you find the person who’s right for you. Keep this reality check in the back of your mind when a date doesn’t work out: that date was part of the journey, not the destination.

Keep your expectations in check. A person is not a profile, so don’t project a relationship onto a person with a well-written profile and great photos. Instead, approach every date with the attitude of discovering who they are, not deciding if they’re the ‘one’.

Ask yourself, what can I discover about myself and about my date. Every date is a stepping-stone to the next date, which will eventually lead to a relationship. Stay in the game, and don’t give up. It’s just a matter of time before you meet the right one for you.

2. Be mindful about what you say and do on dates.

First dates are all about first impressions. That’s why it’s important to be mindful about what you say and do on every date. People tend to misread cues all the time. So, steer clear of absolutes, such as “I never” or “I always”. Don’t share stories about your past pain. Stay positive, listen well, and be memorable.

After each date, it’s a good idea to review what went well and what you could do better next time.
I call it the 3-2-3-2 method. Here’s how it works.

After your date, write down:
3 things you liked about him or her.
2 things you didn’t like (yellow or red flags)
3 things you thought you did well
2 things you’ll do differently on the next date

If you’re always learning from every date, you’ll be able to stay open, curious, and positive on your journey to true love.

3. Be good to yourself.

It’s important to not come undone after each bad date. If you’re feeling down, get out and do something fun. Get together with friends. Be good to yourself. Get a massage. Go kayaking, hiking, biking, or whatever makes you happy.

And then get right back in the saddle and go on another date. If one dating site is not working, try another. Or try meetup.com, a great way to meet people with common interests. Your future partner is out there, but you will never find him or her if you’re hiding out at home. Leave your house and DATE!

4. Be grateful for what is going well in your life.

In order to stay positive, don’t dwell on what’s not working in your love life. Focus on what is working—and be grateful.

The best way to do that is to develop a gratitude practice. Notice the wonderful things in your life every day. Appreciate the people who love you. You might want to make a gratitude list at the beginning or end of every day.

Or find a ‘gratitude buddy’, a good friend you can call daily/weekly to chat about what you’re both grateful for. A positive attitude is one of the most important things to bring on a date.

Become a dating optimist, and you will exude positive energy throughout your life. You’ll bring that good energy to every date. And when the right person shows up, you’ll be glad you didn’t give up hope.

What’s your favorite tip? Please share below. And if you have your own way of staying positive, I’d love to hear from you.

P.S. If you want to discover exactly what’s keeping you from having true love right now, and you’re ready for a deeply fulfilling relationship with a quality man who adores you… I would LOVE to talk to you!

Reserve your spot for your Breakthrough Session HERE.

NOTE: A version of this article first appeared in the Good Men Project.

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Mary Shores, author of Conscious Communications, discusses what it means to be cleansing or clogging your relationships. Check it out!

My radio guest, Mary Shores is an author, speaker, and entrepreneur, generating positive and pragmatic solutions for people who are freaking out. Mary blends personal experience with her extensive knowledge of neuroscience and human behavior to guide businesses and individuals to defeat the freak out and create their ideal life.

Mary joined me to discuss her new book, Conscious Communications: Your Step-by-Step Guide to Harnessing the Power of Your Words to Change Your Mind, Your Choices, and Your Life. We dove into so many juicy topics; changing neural pathways in your brain, the importance of linking past trauma to your relationships today, and how to know if you’re cleansing or clogging your relationships and your life.

Highlights below for episode #304: Are you cleansing or clogging your relationships?

Are You Cleansing Or Clogging Your Relationships? What do you mean by cleanse or clog your relationships?

We’re living in a time where infinite possibilities are available to all of us. We’re always manifesting and creating things, putting out to the universe what we want, but it doesn’t always get us the results we want. It’s because we can get pulled in so many directions.

Every choice we make is either creating a connection to what we want or driving a disconnection. Cleanse or clog. An example is, if I were on a diet to lose ten pounds, I don’t necessarily need to learn a complicated diet plan. I can ask myself if the food has good nutrients [and will cleanse me], or if it [is unhealthy and] will clog me.

It’s easy to understand that we want to make cleansing connections in all our relationships.

What’s the concept of attracting who you are?

As women, we can be in denial of attracting who we are. If you’re in a pattern of attracting unavailable men, you might ask how you can be unavailable when you’re the one putting yourself out there.

I learned the hard way that I had an energetic signature [of being emotionally unavailable] that I wasn’t acknowledging. I had a lot of trauma early in life, and over time, I began to hunch over. It was one of the ways I was unconsciously protecting my heart.

I went through therapy to heal my spinal issue. It’s also important to heal inside, as our bodies store everything that happens to us. People energetically pick up on these things.

What are some steps to change your neural pathways for positive change?

We’ve implanted patterns in childhood based on our belief systems. We have automatic responses to these patterns. Alignment is when thoughts, words, actions and behavior patterns are all moving in the direction you want.

Steps to change your neural pathways and become aligned are available for free in the Daily Desires Diary. (See note below to get yours):

1. Create a daily gratitude practice. Write down three things you’re grateful for. When you take a moment every day to be grateful, you’re building a muscle in your brain to look for what’s good and increase serotonin, which makes you feel better. Also, remember to be grateful for your skills and talents. The more you strengthen, the more it will grow.

2. Write down your three most proud moments of the day, and celebrate the small wins.

3. Write down three things you desire.

Understand that your stories define who you become. Reframing is so important, so it doesn’t become your identity. I’ve gone through enough challenges for five lifetimes. If I focused on only that, it would put me in victimhood. What’s the slice of your story that’s triumph over victim? It’s what built your character. It’s what makes you resilient.

Listen to the entire episode by clicking the player below. You don’t want to miss this one. And stay connected to Mary!

Join her Facebook Group: Fearless Ambition

*Mary is offering a free Daily Desires Diary bundle which includes the Daily Desires Diary, a new daily practice to help you reflect, set goals, and take action, as well as a bonus excerpt of Conscious Communications to jumpstart your motivation. The link is: http://maryshores.com/desiresdiary-bundle

It’s really really important to have our podcast reviewed. If our show has provided value or helped you in any way over the years, please:

1. Leave us a review on iTunes and share how the show has helped you or inspired you to move ahead. Here’s our show on iTunes.

AND, here’s a quick tutorial on how to leave a review via your computer or phone.

2. Share with your friends, family and colleagues. If you’ve got people in your life who are looking for a good dating and relationship podcast to subscribe to, recommend Last First Date Radio!

Listen to/download the entire episode here:

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In this episode of Last First Date Radio, Relationship and Sex Therapist, Kongit Farrell, and I discuss why it’s so important to consciously choose the right man for you.

My radio guest, Kongit Farrell, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Sex Therapist, and the Founder of the Inspired Journey Counseling Center in Los Angeles. She specializes in helping women get the lasting love they deserve.

Check out the highlights of episode #303: How to Consciously Choose the Right Man for Your Relationship Goals.

How to Consciously Choose the Right Man How did you come to do this work?

I came from a divorced family, and I never had the skill set to attract and maintain a healthy relationship. I learned from example to be a single women and date haphazardly. Over time, I realized I was missing what I needed that would lead to what I wanted. I went on a journey to understand men and psychology. I’m now happily married for seven years (and about to have our first baby!).

What’s the difference between Consciously and Unconsciously choosing a partner?

Consciously Choosing: This is about being very intentional about quality and the type of partner you’d like to attract.

Unconsciously Choosing: This is what most women do—haphazard dating. They hope to somehow just fall in love with someone, and they get frustrated when they don’t get what they want.

Here’s a good analogy: If you wanted to go to Harvard, you would be focused and take the right steps to get in. If you meet the right requirements, you’ll get in and be prepared.

You can’t get into Harvard if you’re making Junior College preparations. If you want to meet the right man for you, prepare to meet him!

A man of value looks for a woman of value. Be that woman!

What are the 3 key components to Consciously Choosing the right man?

1. Get clear about the quality of the relationship you’re seeking. If you want a long term relationship leading to marriage, your relationship goals will help you choose the right partner. It will help you decide how to present yourself to your ideal partner.

2. Take time to get to know him. If you’re looking for lasting love, give it time. Pace it. See if the person you’re dating is consistent. Get centered on your standards and pacing, and set clear and loving boundaries. If he’s moving more quickly than you sexually, you can say, “It’s important for me to wait. If that doesn’t work for you, I’ll understand, and I wish you well.” Believe in abundance. Stay away from predatory men who love-bomb and throw out false compliments to manipulate you. Don’t fall for it. Slow things down.

3. Get clear on how to become the woman your ideal man is searching for. Do some inner work, and see where you need to work on yourself. There are so many resources to help you do this work. Work with a therapist or coach, and work on your relationship literacy. Become intentional about the steps it takes to attract the relationship you want.

It’s really really important to have our podcast reviewed. If our show has provided value or helped you in any way over the years, please:

1. Leave us a review on iTunes and share how the show has helped you or inspired you to move ahead. Here’s our show on iTunes.

AND, here’s a quick tutorial on how to leave a review via your computer or phone.

2. Share with your friends, family and colleagues. If you’ve got people in your life who are looking for a good dating and relationship podcast to subscribe to, recommend Last First Date Radio!

Download/listen to the entire episode here:

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Are you unknowingly turning off the men you like by leading with masculine energy? Here’s how to lead with your feminine energy—without dumbing yourself down. —
What is feminine and masculine energy? And why do we need to know about this when we’re dating…especially after 40? We all have both feminine and masculine energy. It’s about what we lead with in dating that makes the difference in how we form attraction. Feminine energy helps us know whether a man is going to be interested in us as a woman with a capital W or as a colleague or friend. If you want to get out of the ‘friend zone’, then you’re going to want to lead with your feminine energy (unless you want a man who leads with his feminine energy. Most women do not.)
What the Heck is Masculine and Feminine Energy?
Defining Masculine and Feminine Energy
Feminine energy is:
  • receiving
  • nurturing
  • creating
  • warmth
  • being cherished for your feelings
Masculine energy is:
  • doing
  • achieving
  • building
  • right or wrong thinking
  • providing
  • protecting
  • being respected for your thoughts
It’s about leading with feminine energy
While we all possess both masculine and feminine energy, many of us lead with masculine
energy, because that is how we were able to succeed in at work, and it’s what made us good
parents. We’re so good at doing, doing, doing, taking care of things, and planning.
In dating, when you lead with all that doing, doing, doing, planning, and right or wrong thinking, you actually turn off the men you like. They don’t see you as a potential partner. They see you as more of a colleague.
It’s not about acting fake or giving up your power…
Being in your feminine energy doesn’t mean dumbing yourself down or acting like a helpless damsel in distress. It means leading with your feminine energy traits while still maintaining all the other parts of what makes you so awesome.
Watch the video to learn more. And stay tuned until the end for a special exercise to help you lead with your feminine in dating and relationships (without being fake or losing your power).

Defining Masculine and Feminine Energy - YouTube

Do you lead with your masculine or feminine energy in dating? Please share in the comments below.
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Check out episode #302: The Power of Telling the Truth on Your Dating Journey. Robert Kandell shares his thoughts on honesty, male/female dynamics, consent, and more.

My radio guest, Robert Kandell, joined me to discuss whether telling the truth about yourself in dating and relationships is always a good idea. We talked about the feminine/masculine dynamic in today’s confusing world of relationships…and so much more.

Robert has been hailed as “part football coach, part loving dad, and part slightly crazed drill sergeant”. He has spent the last sixteen years helping people build better relationships through more honest and authentic connection. Robert is an accomplished teacher, coach, and lecturer. He brings his enthusiasm and acumen to his weekly podcast, Tuff Love, on subjects around relationships, intimacy, communication and gender dynamics.

Check out highlights below for episode #302: The Power of Telling the Truth on Your Dating Journey.

The Power of Telling the Truth Why do people withhold the truth?

There are two basic ways to engage. Collaborative and antagonistic. Antagonistic looks for differences. Collaborative is about co-creating. When you’re collaborative, you both look for mutual ground. Even in the most painful moments, see if you can be more collaborative and connective to find resolution.

Most people tend to become victimized easily. What I mean by that is they don’t take responsibility when hurt. You might say, “You hurt my feelings”. Remember that no one can make you feel anything. People create stimuli, and sometimes it’s cruel, hurtful, or selfish. It’s always on us as to how we interpret and relate to the stimuli. It’s disempowering to YOU if you blame the other person. Know that you’re always at choice as to what you want to do about it.

How can people get calm enough in an argument to know they’re at choice?

Practice. We practice to learn to play the piano or become an artist. We invest time and energy to get better at processing, and eventually we have emotional mastery. We often subconsciously pick partners in areas when we want or need to grow. We often magnetize people into our lives to help us work through childhood wounds. Take responsibility and see how you co-created and magnetized this person into your life. Practice getting better at handling emotional triggers.

What are some of the challenges in dating in today’s world?

Everything is more challenging than it was 15 years ago. The advent of social media and apps have made things worse in terms of levels of intimacy. There’s a plethora of options. People are hitting road bumps and leaving and starting again. A better deal is only a swipe away.

Women are gaining more power, and men are giving up. They go to video games and porn and don’t step up. There’s a wakeup call for women to understand men’s challenges in this world.

How do you define consent in today’s dating world?

I’m a big fan of the movie, Hitch. When Kevin James is instructed to kiss by leaning in 90%, and waiting for the woman to lean in the last 10%, that is a form of consent. Letting her go in the last 10% is consent, as he feels her desire to move towards him

How do you council couples on telling the truth when arguing?

I council couples to speak the truth in the moment as soon as possible. Don’t let anger build. Sometimes you have to repeat what you want over and over again. Keep educating each other so you don’t get resentful/shut down/stop speaking your truth.

How to speak your desire to your partner:

If you know you’re withholding something from your partner, go through these 6 steps.

  1. Find a space without distraction where you can have a conversation about your desire.
  2. Apologize for not disclosing your desire in the past.
  3. Share the desire and the motivation behind it.
  4. Be quiet.
  5. Hear your partner’s feelings.
  6. Go back and forth until it is resolved.

Visit robertkandell.com to hear Robert’s podcast and learn more about his upcoming book Unhidden: A Book for Men and Those Confused By Them, due out November 5th.

It’s really, really important to have our podcast reviewed. If our show has provided value or helped you in any way over the years, please:

1. Leave us a review on iTunes and share how the show has helped you or inspired you to move ahead. Here’s our show on iTunes.

AND, here’s a quick tutorial on how to leave a review via your computer or phone.

2. Share with your friends, family and colleagues. If you’ve got people in your life who are looking for a good dating and relationship podcast to subscribe to, recommend Last First Date Radio!

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