My favorite coping skill involves connecting with the earth. Picture yourself as a tree (yes, cliche, I know, but hear me out), and roots cascading down from your feet into the earth. Visualize those roots burying deeper and deeper, standing up straight and tall. This increases a feeling of security and confidence. Remember to take deep breaths. Next, picture warm, light energy flowing up from the earth, and infusing your body with comfort and courage.
It’s hard to do this all in public, but if you practice this technique by yourself over and over, it’ll become second nature.
Firstly, you need to accept that not only is that anxiety attack going to be one of many, but the ones that follow will be even more severe. Recovery isn’t just flipping a light-switch, it’s rewiring your entire brain.
My brain is rewired enough that I can act on recovery every day, mostly, but you cannot rewire your brain by yourself. Please visit my Resources Pageto find outside support.
I definitely think you should write it, since that will be a very healthy act of catharsis. Whether or not you send it afterwards is entirely up to you. I do believe however that you should tell someone, especially someone who is going to be able to support you when you go to college. College is a major life transition, and those can be extremely triggering for eating disorder behaviors.
I understand the desire to not tell your parents. If there are medical expenses though, there’s a chance that they already have an idea as to what’s going on (hospital visits are serious, and if they don’t yet know why you were in the hospital, that’s a big parenting error on their part). The fact that they’re mad about those expenses is pretty fucked up, but if they genuinely don’t understand the need for those hospital visits, it makes sense that they’d be frustrated. I don’t know the nature of your relationship with your parents, but I would explore the possibility of confiding in them.
Your ability to recover on your own is rare and very admirable. I commend you a lot for it, and wish you the absolute best on this next chapter of your life. Keep fighting love
You know, it’s okay if what happened still affects you. Even if you think it’s been “long enough” and you should be over it, if you’re not, that’s alright. Take your time to heal. Baby steps are fine. Just be honest with yourself and where you are mentally so you can deal with it the best you can. Also, guilt and grieving in recovery are definitely things, so be ready for those. You can mourn the life you could have had and you can simultaneously celebrate the one you’re currently living. You don’t have to follow a timeline set by either you or someone else. Don’t feel weak or dumb for still feeling what you feel.