I really like this dress from Jacob and I am extremely fussy with dresses. It is a deep navy bordering on black and is accented with spiderweb-like patterns which give it a very attractive look from a distance.
It is also very comfortable, the perfect length (I am not pulling down all the time) and I often couple it with the ballerinas I am wearing in the picture and some pendant earrings. I always feel pretty and feminine when I wear it.
I don't often wear dresses but this one is one the few I own which isn't going anywhere.
When there are things troubling about us they cannot be digested whole but must instead seep their way into our conciousness in more palatable morsels. Otherwise the shock is too great.
So we tell ourselves that things are not really that bad and we don't really require as much repair. Instead we are simply misunderstood. In this way our true imperfection cannot be reflected fully back to us.
The truth is painful and it most likely lies somewhere between the self deception which allows us to sleep at night and what our worst critic tells us about ourselves.
Evangelicals played their card and lost. If their morally challenged president doesn't get a second term they have forsaken the right to moralize against the next one. How could they when they accepted the bottom of the barrel to get what they wanted.
In that sense, the current incarnation of the Republican party is in tatters. This ragtag pool of white nationalists, pseudo religious zealots and other assorted special interests wanted nothing to do with the old party. Their zeal for power allowed a kind of extremism to seep in which had never before been seen. The ugliest and most basic instincts of people were allowed to germinate under a man with no discernible civility, intelligence or moral compass.
Can you easily come back from this precipe of radicalization and reclaim your credibility? I for one don't think so.
Health is everything and without it we can focus on little else. I don't take mine for granted and know how fast that can change. I thought of this as I saw Leila struggle with her back pain this morning. She hadn't slept a wink the night before.
She is supposed to have back surgery which she is deeply frightened of and I think with good reason. Still, the prospect of living life with that kind of pain motivates her to go through with it despite the risks.
I await my own surgery for the benign growth which has attached itself to nerves near my achilles tendon. Again, there is some risk but I am told the chances of success outweigh it. Mental health first and then physical. Exactly in that order.
I am off today and Jacinthe saw me sitting there drinking my coffee. She was all smiles and said
"Oh wow I haven't seen you in ages!"
I used to visit her store on occasion and buy women's fashions when they were on special. We hadn't seen each other for, well for ages.
We started talking about our lives and then our kids. Hers (a daughter and a son) are 33 and 28 respectively and she confided in me that something had been wrong with him for the longest time but she had not been able to pinpoint it.
"Oh Joanna he came to me crying and told me he couldn't live like that anymore. He told me he was transgender!"
My heart skipped a beat. She was going on about the hormone treatments and how happy she is now. Then I just had to speak up:
"You know I am trans right?" I said in French.
Her eyes widened into two saucers
"What?! No way I had no idea! Its like I was meant to run into you today. I would have never known!"
She gave me a huge hug and kissed both my cheeks. Jacinthe is an effervescent and beautiful soul who loves her daughter deeply exactly as she is and she made my heart swell with happiness for both her and this young woman who now has her whole life ahead of her as the woman she was meant to be. Jacinthe wants me to meet her at some point which would be my distinct pleasure. I saw a photo of her daughter and, after seven months of HRT, she looks amazing.
After having an emotional rest of the conversation we excitedly agreed to meet again for coffee. She was late for work and had to run but I remained on cloud 9 for quite some time after. We each want to know more.
Below is my high school graduation picture taken back in 1979. I had no clue what was going to do for a career or whether I was ever going to get married. I was painfully shy and had been immersing myself into art and music which helped take my mind off my gender issues. When things got extremely heated on the dysphoria front I would wait for an opportune time and crossdress when no one was home or very late at night when I could sneak out without anyone noticing.
I was very thin and extremely passable with very little effort required. My mother's closet had been my primary source of clothing since earliest memory. Over the course of my childhood I had been confused for a girl on numerous occasions.
I don't think anyone ever tried harder to fit in.
I cannot entirely put myself in the skin of that nervous young person anymore and wouldn't go back to those years; not without the mind I possess today.
I might be tempted to go back to tell her that everything was going to be all right eventually and to not worry so much. But then that insecurity and suffering avoided wouldn't have shaped her character.
I use my reading glasses to inspect my body for stray hairs and if I find any on the chest (which is already extremely sparse in that department) or the legs, it is taken care of immediately. For this very purpose I carry a lady shaver in my purse at all times.
Having hair on my body makes my dysphoria worse and eliminating it has the opposite effect. Keeping my toenails painted year round is also one of the simple pleasures I indulge in which helps quite a lot.
These may seem like small things but they make me feel so good and help reinforce my femininity.
On another note a very nice lady struck up a conversation with me on the metro platform yesterday. We have seen each other a few times and we say hello to each other. Then later on one in a group of three ladies asked me about the soda drink I had ordered. These are also things which feed my femininity and help combat dysphoria.