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When I tell you it has been a whirlwind of a few weeks, I’m not exaggerating. The last two weeks of January I packed up and moved to a different town, and then flew to Singapore to work for Tony. This is a journey I am so excited to tell you about. My roommate, Matt & I moved everything in in only 2 days, then we packed Matt & I’s suitcases and got on a plane to Singapore! To be honest, I was super nervous about this. The timing of it all didn’t seem perfect. I have more bills than I know what to do with right now, I am starting over in a completely new town, and I am just beginning my life again. But everything about this trip said GO, and even when I was nervous it still felt right.

The flight was long. But it was really really good to rest & reflect, and when we finally got to Japan – I was feeling more and more confident in my decision to go. When we got on the plane to Singapore I passed out – got some rest, and woke up at landing ready to roll.

Stepping off the plane just felt different. I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Belonging. I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be, and with the people I was meant to be with. Matt grabbed my hand, and we began our Singapore adventure.

Day 1 // was pretty incredible. We woke up, went to the gym, then to breakfast and made a plan. I wasn’t expecting to do much because in my previous experience with Tony events, we rested up before the event.. but I’m so glad we didn’t do that. We ended up going to the Botanical Gardens and it was MAGICAL. I’m pretty sure I could have wandered through those gardens all day. Then we made our way into Chinatown which is a site to see for sure. After that, we showered up and went to dinner at what is called a Hacker. It was sooo good the first 2 days (I’ll go into that later). I have never eaten so much rice in my life. And I will say it is especially challenging to be a vegan in Singapore! But, we made it work.

Day 2 // we started off in the pool that overlooked the beach. It was SO needed to just get a little bit of rest before going and helping set up the event. I think what I love most about Crew is the family feeling of it. As we were just walking around the hotel, more and more crew members started to arrive and we all just gathered together with hugs & hellos. After the pool we made our way over to the venue to help with some set up. It was fun to get a feel for the energy of the place and meet some new people. Eloise, Kim & I ended up being apart of the lanyard team. Then we called it a day, I was really quite exhausted to be honest. Little did I know, that was just the beginning of this thing called sleep deprivation.

Day 3 // 7:00am-9:00pm Registration Day. Normally Registration is my absolute FAVORITE day because Registration might be my very favorite part of the event. But because this was a different company running the show, we didn’t get to do registration. But that was quite alright.  Crew registered, and we began orientation.  As always, we danced, clapped, and whoooooaaa’d. Eloise, Kim, and I all got up and had a flipping blast. So a little difference between this event and the others, we didn’t have our crew assignments first. We were all waiting for what was coming. Kim C was talking to Hilary and she turned around and asked… Do you want to be co-captain of Medical Team? Ha, I laughed a little inside at the immense pride this would give my father. “Yup!” I didn’t even hesitate. If I’m being completely honest, I had absolutely no clue what I wanted to do for the event and prayed that God would show me the way.. and that my friends is exactly what happened. So Kim C and I bonded like bandits and tried to figure out what we needed to do for Medical. I haven’t worked Med team before. I have CP

R experience, and knowledge based on life experience and working in a clinic.. but other that Kim was our Medical professional. Lisa had then informed us… it was just us 2 for Medical. 2 OF US FOR 12,000 PEOPLE? Nope. Not happening.

Guess what, it totally happened. We tried very hard to remain calm the remainder of Day 0 & 1 *Tony terms*.

DAY 4 // 6:00am-12:30am Morning of, I was pretty nervous I’m not going to lie to you. Kim & I had a little bit of a Koombya if you will and decided to remain grateful and positive no matter what happens. And Day 1 of Tony was total proof that God is SO super good. We got to the venue, Matt went to get himself in production and Kim and I headed to the crew room to pick up our walkies. Eloise got her job doing production work, Paul was usher co-captain, and Kim B & Eric were mic runners. When we got there we went over all of our supplies & we finally got ourselves somewhat of a team together thanks to Lisa. We went over to our Wellness are to set up. It was a lot on the spot decisions and following the flow. I was really lucky because I got put in charge of handling the care of participants with disabilities.This was probably one of my favorite part of the whole event because every morning I got to walk with themto their seats, and check on them throughout the day. I got to hear their stories and watch their transformations happen. So this was one of my first tasks & I thought to myself — this is going to be amazing. Tony took the stage, and then the everything picks up pace. Right as Tony was taking the stage, I was informed of a medical emergency in the bathroom. I sprinted to the bathroom, and saw a girl standing out side of a stall. I asked if she was ok, and she said her friend was puking in the bathroom. I knocked on the door, went inside, asked some basic questions and proceeded to hold her hair as she vomitted. Plot twist!! I asked if she wanted to come back to the wellness room and rest, she said “Nope, I’m good, just needed to get that out.” I replied, well. You freaking rock, my friend and my name is Jennie. Come find me if you need anything or find anyone with a walkie and they will come get me. I went back over to wellness because Kim & I had to meet with our team before we go full force into delegation & the Firewalk. Again, God is so super good. Our team was fantastic. Full of nurses & first aid! We did a debrief, and sent everyone to man the posts & prepare for firewalk. We then got another call, vomit, again. This girl was sickkkk. She got sick for awhile in the room & we sent her on home. It wouldn’t be much fun to jump around and puke, I said. She laughed and we walked her out. That day I logged 15 miles, and 30, 000 steps. I’m pretty sure most of those are calls. 9:00pm rolls around, and it’s time to get ready for YES. I cleaned up the vomit, and we started prep. We had everyone walk right outside the event – it was pretty magical to hear & watch. One of the most defining moments of the event was watching one of the participants I got to check on CRAWL across fire. YES.. Crawl. He can’t walk, so instead in a peak state.. he freaking crawled. After hearing about that, you’ll never complain about your too hot latte or poor wifi again. God is GOOD. We ended that night with a ton of reassuring smiles, hugs, and
“YOU WALKED ON FIRE — you can do anything!” Matt & I were some of the last ones to leave that night, but I left with the biggest smile on my face and holding his hand. I repeat: God is SUPER good.

Day 5 // 6:00am-10:30pm OK, so maybe I got a few hours of sleep in between dreams… but I still woke up on FIRE. (Not literally). I was ready to roll.

 Tony Day 2 is SHAKE THAT ASS DAY. And honestly, I did just that. Day 2 was full of calls, but more so getting to know our team & crew. I really loved being able to catch some content in and out of the room too. It was a great day; howe

ver, I was determined to get a flipping salad from the room and a glass of wine. Fun Fact about Singapore: EVERYTHING CLOSES EARLY (except for the Hawker stations). So I had literally until 10:30 to 

get that salad ordered and glass of wine for Matt & I. Pshhh, don’t you know I wrapped the event and made that happen. Then it was an awesome night of.. SLEEP.

Day 6 // 6:00am- 12:00am – Fireball. Day 3 Tony’s back! And stronnggger than ever. The highlight of this day wasn’t just the calls, or actually getting to listen to some of the content, but the Dicken’s Process. On Medical we had to keep our eyes open and alert watching the participants transform. OH MY GOD was it life changing. To watch someone go from extreme pain to extreme pleasure in the matter of a moment.. wow. I loved every moment of the transformation. Then we got a call. I don’t know that I have ever run so fast in my life. They originally said front of the stage so we busted to the front, then ran all the way to the back of the house. I’ll spare the details.. but little did I know this moment and story would be inspiring to so many people.  A beautiful lady had fainted by the back, and was in the bathroom. I’ll spare you those details, but here’s what I’d like to say. She ended up having to go to hospital. There are 3 main points to this that I love. There was a fellow crew members named Ophiela (SHOUT OUT GIRL, YOU ROCK) in the bathroom holding up our participant. She went above and beyond for no other reason than she was standing there. I loved seeing that because genuinely she didn’t have to be there, but she showed up FULLY. Second point, to see all walks of crew from higher ups to volunteers come running to help… just WOW. Tony crew is so loving and responsive, it was truly beautiful to see such care and compassion. And final point, this beautiful lady. Do you know what she said to me while leaving in the ambulance? She held my hand, cried and told me this was the happiest she’d ever been. Explain that to me people – MINDSET IS EVERYTHING. I was filled in on her story later, turns out she’s done some remarkable things in this world… and Tony helped her be set free of pain. Absolutely incredible. The whole thing took about 2 hours, then Kim & I switched into our black shirts and ran up on stage to dance. YES. I said dance! And it wouldn’t be the first time. We had a few more calls, then we wrapped up the night with a concert from Pitbull.

Day 7 // 7:00am-9:30pm. This was the last Tony day. I’m not going to lie I was tired. My body hurt, and I was just sleepy… but I was ready to rock and roll. I did my normal tasks, gave the participants some EXTRA hugs & high fives. One of the participants was so sweet, she asked to take a picture with me and told me how much she loved me. It made my morning. Then Kim and I had some serious moments in Wellness. I should clarify, between the two of us. One – to make you laugh, a bug flew down my shirt and got stuck in my bra. Yup, that happened. Therefore I ran into medical like a 4 year old ripping off my shirt. Kim got a kick out of it. Second, Kim and I really bonded! We packed up welliness together and talked shop. It was awesome. I was feeling pretty out of it, but sill going. We danced on stage with Lisa 3 more times, it was AWESOME. And then we got ready to wrap up the night. We did a closed eye process and then got up on stage with Joseph for crew appreciation. Right as I was walking off stage, Daniel (the super-badass who crawled through fire) gave me a note, a hug and said thank you. It was that little push I needed to keep making moves. So I walked out to help great all the participants and congratulate them. Afterwards I grabbed my things and went up to find my Matt who was working the Mastery event. They needed dancers — so guess what I did. Danced, LOL. But I got sweaty and gross so I decided to head back to the hotel to get ready for the crew party. We were in an uber on the way back with Lisa announced they were having their final crew meeting. BUMMER. I thought, but I knew I’d see everyone in a little while. We tried to watch it live, but then it got cut off. We got back to the hotel, sat in the lobby and my phone lit up with one text. “OMG @JennieMichelle, you won Bali”. Wait, what? Then my phone went NUTS. I actually one a 7 day trip to Bali for being an “outstanding” Tony Robbins crew member. HOLY SHITTAKE MUSHROOM. I ran around that hotel lobby screaming like a five year old child. I was so excited. Not really for Bali, but just happy in general.

I didn’t expect ANYTHING. I go to crew because I love love LOVE serving. I push myself whole heartedly in these environments because I believe in it. The people that inspire me do the exact same thing. I watched Matt run from one end of the room to the other I don’t know how many times. I am celebrating all of us crew that push hard and work together, because there is no I in Team.

I got a celebratory drink with the girls, Matt came back to the hotel, and off we were to the crew party & dinner. I just loved being with everyone. We danced, sang, and took silly pictures.. truly it was amazing.

Day 8//  I was thinking maybe we might rest……. But I forgot we are Tony people. We started off in the pool, then we went to Little India for some food. After that, we went to Marina Bay Sands Resort area and walked through these beautiful illuminated trees (which are actually water pipes helping the planet). We went into massive bio domes with spectacular scenery, we saw waterfalls and walked in the clouds. It was truly truly magical. The pictures don’t do it justice.

Day 9//  Eloise, Paul, Matt & I headed out to Universal. OMG, so much fun! So many rides. After Universal we went and did the Luge & the Sky rides. Holy shit I haven’t laughed so hard in a while. So much flipping fun!

Day 10 // Eloise, Paul, Matt, Brian & I did something I have dreamt about doing since I was little. We SWAM WITH THE DOLPHINS. Yes, literally. And it was AMAZING. I learned so much about these beautiful creatures. Truthfully – it was amazing. It was the perfect end to a perfect trip. 

At the end of every trip, I like to journal about 3 take aways I have learned from the experience – and I want to share them with you.

“Everything in you will be pulled to a relationship. But if you approach a relationship with fear you will end up pushing it away and sabotaging your relationship because of that very fear you think is protecting you.”

We have this little saying on crew that you’ll always be in the room when you need to hear something… this moment happened. I was sitting by the riser for our response and Tony went into this whole ‘relationship equals pain’ segment. This quote really stuck out to me from him because it’s truthfully about life and not just relationships. ANYTHING you approach with fear you will wind up sabotaging because of your fear. With this trip, I literally had to tell myself consciously to not be scared and that God would provide. Financially, physically, everything it wasn’t the “right time”… but time isn’t something you chose, right?

“The past does not equal the future.”

I used to feel so broken, so damaged, and so empty. I used to tell myself the limiting belief that no one would want this bag of broken bones & broken heart. Literally thats the words I would say to myself and kept me in something longer than I should because I thought that I was unloveable. I was caught up in the story that made me that way. When Tony said it this time around, I literally jumped out of Wellness to listen to the rest. Because I needed the affirmation. And once again, it feels so right. YOUR PAST DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. It is in the moments of your decisions that your destiny is shaped, so if you want a different outcome, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Take massive action. I opened my notes on my phone, and wrote out the title of my book. Under I wrote, “It’s just the story that will help others, you have created a new story line. Don’t get caught up in the old one.” F*CK Yes.

The Power of Physiology

Matt’s going to call me out on this one, but I learned from my experience. Day 3, I was EXHAUSTED. Literally. To the point of no return. I didn’t have any 5 Hour Energies (they don’t sell them in Singapore – trust me I checked). I was just out of it. So I took myself down to 7-11 and chugged (AND I MEAN CHUGGED) a red bull. OK, I did get like 3. Guess what. To my surprise that red bull did nothing but taste good. I still felt freaking exhausted. And as fate would have it, I walked right into the room as Tony was talking about the power of physiology and ‘wake your body up.’ Changing your body movement creates change, and starts an energy flow. It literally changes what you’re thinking and feeling. All to often I forget about..

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August 8th-13th Weekly Playlist of awesomeness.

It has been a hell-of-a week.

The post August 08-13th Weekly Playlist of Awesomeness. appeared first on Jennie Michelle.

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I fall hard. I fall fast. I go all in, and I don’t hold back. I’m too honest, and I’m in love with vulnerability and openness.

Now I am not just talking about romantic relationships, I am talking about all relationships with people (and I suppose in my case animals too!). In this new chapter in my life I am learning about who I am, what I like, what I want out of life. And this was a new discovery for me.

I guess this side of me has always been there, I just didn’t have the ability to express It or explore it. To fully explain where I’m coming from, let me go deeper.

At Tony Robbins this November, my best friend and I went together. Now at the event she participated and I crewed. The part of the event I valued the most were the conversations with her after each day. Together we learned and we shared. Casey & I are the type of best friends that literally tell each other when our heart beats funky, or what we ate for lunch. We LITERALLY do not hold back, which is something I admire and respect about our friendship. Similarly we’re each others middle of the night phone calls when shit hits the fan, or we need a reality check.

So at Tony, we were talking about our pasts, present and futures. She was telling me that before she met her husband ( who is a literal SAINT and their relationship is #relationshipgoalsAF ) she sat down and wrote out of a list of what she wanted in a future relationship and she wouldn’t settle for anything less.

Manifesting at it’s finest, right?

So I did that. I wrote out EVERYTHING I want in a future relationship. I also did a separate list for everything I wanted in any relationship I have because you are who you surround yourself with, right?

So that brings me to the present. I am not a fan of one word, surface conversations. I am the type of person that goes from 0 to 100 REAL FLIPPING QUICK because I go deep fast. I think I learned to do this through mediumship because I end up knowing more about the person in an hour then some of their closest relationships — but I also realized how much I crave that and it is a necessary part of who I am. I want to know YOU. It doesn’t matter to me if its a story you want to share, a meal you love, or the deepest darkest parts of you. I want to walk through it, I want to understand. If there’s a garden of weeds (as Tony says) I want to see them if you want to share them and we will pull them out together. I’m the girl that has 45 minute conversations with my Uber driver and our drive was only 10 minutes. I’m the girl that sits next to someone on the airplane and listens as someone shares their life. And as pointed out by my friend, I apparently put off a vibe that screams, “I’m here for you” because of the amount of shares I get on a daily basis.

** Side Note Story: Yesterday at the Zumba event, I had at least 4 people throughout the day come up and share with me, cry with me, and tell me all about what their going through because they have seen me be vulnerable on Facebook, or here. And that is EXACTLY why I do share, because I know someone out there is going through it too. **

But that is me.

What I also learned is that everyone is completely different, and that level of authenticity isn’t for everyone.  And that is quite alright. Whatever works for you, I accept and love.

In conclusion, I decided to share this mini revelation about myself with you for a couple different reasons:

Number One, I realized I haven’t written a blog in months. I will explain that that is because I have a lot to say, I just can’t currently. And I won’t write anything that isn’t genuine or authentic (there it is again, LOL).

Number Two, I realize that if this exercise helped me – maybe you can benefit from it too. My advice – never ever ever settle for anyone. Compromise is one thing. Settling is another.  Write your list of what you want in a relationship and in a romantic relationship and see what that does for you when you’re around people. You’ll realize pretty quickly what you want & if that person is meant to be in your circle.

Number Three, this helps SO MUCH when it comes to intuitive individuals like us. If you’re like me, you probably feel and know a TON all the time. I get so drawn into the energy of someone else, occasionally I put them before my own needs and wants. I’ve found myself in situations that I think to myself “Um, Why am I doing this?!” So having that list to counterbalance the environment you are in as well as the people you’re around is exceptionally helpful when it comes to knowing what YOU want vs. what someone else wants for you.

Thank you for reading, thank you for sharing, and thank you for sending in your stories. I will always read them, and be here for you.

Love to you all

XoXo,

           Jennie

The post Falling Hard – Emotional Openness and Connection appeared first on Jennie Michelle.

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*This is a passion post, so before you read further – please accept that the truest form of my spiritual gangsta-ness will appear, and there may be some cursing along the way. It is who I am.*

I’m super proud to say I’ve been doing this work professionally for 2 years. Time flies when you are having fun! I’ve been truly learning along the way, I have taken advice that works for me and thrown out what doesn’t, and I’ve grown immensely just trying to follow the beat of my heart and dance to my own rhythm.

That wasn’t always easy. I had some tough lessons along the way, but I never ever gave up (with the help of a super supportive husband). When I found out that my crazy turned out to be “Crazy in a good way” (thank you Bloom Post), I hit the ground running. I absorbed every bit of information I could, I took class after class (even the same class multiple times), I met with people, watched countless hours of YouTube (bad idea), read so many articles and books, and I really wanted to know anything and everything I could.

I still wasn’t set on the fact that I was supposed to be doing this for a living. It was scary, and daunting, and like I’ve said before, I was dead set (lol – pun intended) on being the next Taylor Swift.  Never in a million years did I think I’d be where am I today and loving every moment of it. In the past two years of readings, group readings and classes, I’ve been able to witness the beautiful and healing messages of Spirit first hand. I’ve been able to see the connection and brilliance of Spirit trying to communicate that they are still with us, watching and guiding us from above, and I’ve seen fear turned into Faith. I didn’t know that such an incredible job was possible – never mind it being my job.

I’ve seen my life come full circle. I’ve met with my biggest role models and are even able to call some friends, one of the first Spirits I ever communicated with is connected to someone 2 years later that I’m with all the time, and I’ve just seen everything fall into place only because I’ve followed my heart.

DON’T get it twisted — I still doubt myself, have trouble trusting, and I search for validation everywhere (ask Joe). I’m certainly not perfect, but I’m doing the best I can for me.

But this isn’t only available to me.  I am no different or more special than you. We are all able to communicate with our loved ones on the other side, we are all able to connect to the highest source, and we all should. We all have guides that love us and protect us unconditionally that we can start a trust relationship with, that can help guide us through this physical life. WE ALL ARE MEDIUMS.

You may be like, “what the f*ck.” while reading this. And that’s OK. I get it, I’m kinda talking myself out of a job here But real talk, I really only like to meet with a client one time a year (As with anything, there are special exceptions). I do not want anyone DEPENDING on me to talk to their loved ones. My job as a Professional Medium is to connect you with your loved ones, so that you know how they are communicating with you and what to look for so you can do it on your own. My job is to let you know they are safe and at peace by providing the evidence that supports that. But when my job is done, it’s up to you to keep the conversation going. Don’t worry – I’ll be here when you get stuck, but that is why I’m here.

The other question I get is, “If we are all Mediums, then are we meant to do it professionally?” PLEASE Read this, read-read this, I don’t care just please pay attention. The answer is NO. It is certainly not everyone’s life path to be a professional medium. Just because you can connect does not mean you should quit your job and open up shop as a Medium. I’ll refer to the analogy I quote often. “Everyone can learn to become a doctor. But is it everyone’s life path to be a doctor? Absolutely not. Alicia Keys is not meant to be a doctor, and she’d be doing the world a disservice if she didn’t follow her heart and share her music. BUT Alicia Keys COULD to be a doctor, she could learn about it all, and she could use it to help her family, or herself when she’s on the road.” Make sense?

** This is a very personal note – I understand Mediumship is the “cool” thing to do now, but before you go jumping into this work, please consider the responsibility of this work and your intentions for doing it. It is an amazing and beautiful ability to be able to recieve and channel messages from Spirit, but we must heal ourselves to help heal others. And it may be your life path, I’m not saying it’s not. Just follow your heart, not your head. **

But real talk, everyone can connect and everyone in my opinion should connect! It’s so wonderful to feel the unconditional love of Spirit supporting and guiding you all the time. There’s a lot of different ways to connect, but meditation is by far the most effective. A health and consistent meditation practice will bring you closer to Spirit within days. Meditation literally changes your brain waves, and highers your vibration. It’s truly beautiful, and it will help you heal as well.

Start now. Just take 5 minutes to close your eyes and DO NOT quiet your mind, notice your mind. See what is being shown to you. That is Spirit communication in the clairvoyant/third eye center.

Know that you are loved, supported and guided. None of this has to be scary, it does not have to be overwhelming, and you don’t have to feel all sorts of anxiety. Once you learn to connect and learn how you work, it’s an amazing and beautiful gift you can use in your everyday life to assist you and the ones you love most.

To tie this in a nice little bow, YOU ARE A MEDIUM. We all are.

The post You Are a Medium appeared first on Jennie Michelle.

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LIVE on Z104

With my husband, Joe Fu!

The post Jennie Fuscaldo LIVE on Z104 appeared first on Jennie Michelle.

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August 29th – Sept 3rd Weekly Playlist of awesomeness.

Wellcommmee to Mercury Retrograde (in Virgo!) We’ve had a Solar Eclipse and New Moon — So we needed some epic music to get us through! Here is my top ten songs of the week.

The post August 29th – September 3rd- Weekly Playlist of Awesomeness. appeared first on Jennie Michelle.

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Here’s Episode 18 of Real Talk with the Spirit Squad

The post Jennie Fuscaldo Real Talk Episode 18 appeared first on Jennie Michelle.

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Here’s Episode 16 of Real Talk with the Spirit Squad

The post Jennie Fuscaldo Real Talk Episode 16 appeared first on Jennie Michelle.

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Here’s Episode 12 of Real Talk with the Spirit Squad

The post Jennie Fuscaldo Real Talk Episode 12 appeared first on Jennie Michelle.

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I don’t know how to start this blog post. I’m sure if you watch Spirit Squad you’ll know that the physical world lost one of the most beautiful souls in my life. My Granny was the sweetest woman you’ll ever meet. She would have given you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She was always serving, a devoted woman to the church, a loving wife for 61 years, and the best dang Granny ever. She was sick for a long time, and she lived a wonderful life, so it wasn’t unexpected and it was peaceful.

When I found out she passed, I stayed strong. I said clearly to her, “If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it right. What is going to be our sign?”

When I was in second grade, she had given me a pair of dragonfly earrings for my birthday. I don’t know why, I never wore them, but I knew that I needed to keep them close. I put them in my special box, along with my pooh bear charm bracelet and Boz’s horse shoe nails. At the moment I asked what our sign would be, in my mind those earrings popped in. 18 years later, and I still have them. I pulled them out and put them on. “Alright then, it’s decided. Dragonflies it is. I love you.”

Leading up to her passing, I had many dreams of Gran and her leaving. We had silly conversations about panty hose and Pepere (Grandfather in French), but none of that really prepared me for what I was about to go through. She showed up in a beautiful pink dress and talked often of champagne and celebration. (I found out later that that she wore the same pink dress to my momma’s wedding, an d it was the only time she’d had champagne).

As a Medium, I know Gran is here with me, I know she’s with my family, and my grandfather through this whole process. But I couldn’t believe the overwhelming sense of sadness I was feeling. I am always telling my clients that their loved ones are here, they do not want to see us sad, that we can be happy for their life, and there is no need to hold on to the sadness or physical things… yet in this moment I felt none of that. I feel sad.

In a few of my dreams, I woke up smelling rose cream. I relayed this to my mom and she brought me home an unopened Camilla Rose Cream that my Granny wore every day. It was the last one in her vanity. Still, I didn’t cry, I remained “strong”. But after that, I decided I needed to go to the funeral. I hesitated to go for selfish reasons. My family, especially my grandfather, is so openly against what I do and avoid any and all conversation with me about it like the plague. Which is totally fine, but I’m still uncomfortable with it around them too. My family is my achilles heal about Mediumship. I have such a hard time standing strong in my conviction when the people I love the most look at me like I am doing something that will condemn them all to hell. But never the less, I just wanted to hug my Pepere, and celebrate my Granny.

The night before— you all watched spirit squad — I was a loopy disaster. I felt so disconnected from myself. Hindsight, I was stuffing down the emotions I was convincing myself I wasn’t supposed to feel. I kept rolling, went to sleep, and woke up to get on the plane. I have been reading this book called “The Broken Way” by Ann Voskamp and with the two flights I finally had time to pull it out and read it. I sat down on the flight, buckled in, and the first page I read made me stop reading it. I couldn’t do it. The quote stated,

“Maybe it’s okay to not feel strong, to carry an unspoken broken. And . . . to speak it?”

An unspoken broken… What are you trying to say God?

I got some sleep and pondered the idea of all that I was holding onto. Still not wanting to see it. I get off the plane, and head to my next gate. It was quite a full gate, and I was seated across from an elderly woman and her daughter. She must have been late 90’s and kudos to her for flying. I heard very clearly the daughter say during boarding, “now you are sitting up front and I am sitting in the back, are you going to be ok?” The mother replied, “maybe someone will be nice and let me sit with you.” The daughter replied, “I’ve already asked momma, there are no seats left on this plane.”

I don’t know why God had me hear that, but I said, “Jesus, please let these two sit next to each other.” I walked onto the plane, and looked down at my ticket. With a tear in my eye, I realized I was the seat next to this woman. I gave her a hug, and told her that I would switch seats with her daughter. She was over joyed. I was so thankful God put me in that position to do that. I wanted to tell them to cherish these moments, but I just said “Enjoy your flight ladies.”

I headed to the back of the plane, holding back tears. I sat down, and put Hannah Kerr’s new album on. “Thank you, God.” I quietly whispered and dozed off to sleep.

I got off the plane, and the lady and her daughter were waiting for me. They once again hugged me and thanked me. I thought it was so sweet that they waited. Little did I know what they did. (TBC). I met up with Mom, Dad, and my brother… And began the next two days.

I haven’t been to mass since Christmas of 2009. At that time, I showed up with a water bottle of vodka and a black strapless dress. (I’m sorry God & family). I was so lost, and I hated being forced to do things I didn’t feel.  

My Granny was incredible, she planned her whole funeral start to finish. There was some last minute details that needed to be nailed down, but she had it all figured out. She was going to have mass with all of us in the church that she was married in, and the church her parents were married and buried in too. The church was amazing, and everything was perfect. The Church was decorated in head to toe florals for Easter. I thought to myself, of course you would Gran. I want to share from mass 3 important things stood out to me. The priest was amazing. He linked Gran’s name to sainthood and it was the most beautiful sermon you could ask for. But he said something that I don’t think I’ll ever forget.

“The amazing thing about our God is that he shows up in very tangible things in our life. How did he show up through your Dolly? How many meals did she cook, how many loads of laundry did she do, how many phone calls did she listen to you through, how many times did she dry your tears? Meditate on that. Meditate that Dolly is now with God and you can ask Dolly for guidance, and to pray with you.

I mean, here I was sit ting in Church with my mouth about open, DID YOU HEAR THAT? I asked. Father Michael just told us to talk to Granny’s Spirit and MEDITATE. I about died. Funny story after that was communion came around. It had been so long since I’ve been to mass, that Father said, “Do you receive the body and blood of Christ?” I replied with a shaky voice, “Thank You.” I felt so stupid, but I was standing next to Gran’s ashes and was a total mess. On eagles wings came on, and I saw my Pep break down. Again, I shoved my tears down deep and put my hand on his back. “I love you so much.” I thought, but couldn’t say it.

I’ll spare the rest of the details of the funeral and gathering, but I will tell you it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The men that I know as strong, military men, doctors, breaking down. That’s the power of love.

My family and I ended up going back to the cemetery after everyone had left. I learnedall about my family  history since everyone on mom’s side is buried there. Absolutely serene. Gran picked a good day for a funeral, considering it was cold, rainy, and a little snowy/icy. But still, the cemetery was the hardest but most peaceful place to be

.

The night went on, and I was about to go hold the kittens at Petsmart by the hotel to give them some love and ask Jesus to help find them families, when we decided to go get pizza and beer for Gran. Now, I’m the a**hole that doesn’t eat pizza or drink beer – but I had a nice salad and a glass of wine. Cheers Gran, we love you.

I held it together. I really did, I was super proud of myself. But on the flight home my parents sat in first class, and I sat in row 8D. Separated with a curtain and a seat, I looked out the window and cried the rest of the way.

I don’t know that I’m supposed to feel what I feel, because I know she’s in Spirit and with God, but I feel like a piece of my heart is missing. I feel like the woman that always greeted me with a Hi, Sweetheart, what can I make you to eat is not going to be there. And I know better, but I don’t feel better. I have to have compassion for myself, and this process, and I’m writing this to get it out and share. I don’t have it all together just because I’m a “medium”. I’m also a human, and occasionally* have human feelings. (*that’s a lie, it’s all the time) I know that I need validation she’s with me, and I know how important the messages that come through from Spirit are.. for this very reason. But faith is not sight, and I get that I just need to trust. But very clearly, I miss you Gran. And I probably always will.

So long story short: Just because you are intuitive, or a medium, or anything — it’s ok to feel. It’s ok to grieve, and it’s OK to be human. I am learning that it’s ok to just feel, and whatever comes from that, I accept.

17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 NIV

**** I was telling this to Joe, and he said, “Well, I know she’s with you. There was a dragonfly sitting outside our house, and no matter how many times I came and went the dragonfly didn’t move. So I know it was her, and I know she’s with you.” ****

** My dad had paid for an upgrade for the seat that I gave up. The lady and her daughter told American, and they refunded my dad. Isn’t that beautiful? **

The post A Medium’s Grief is still Grief appeared first on Jennie Michelle.

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