My goal is to discover beauty and laughter during lifes little moments, while re-defining myself as my own person while being a single mother of three. I am a mom and so much more. I hope to touch the lives of other women and men who define themselves as more then a parent. Who are looking for empowerment of the self as well as a funny out-look on parent-hood and life's experiences.
Have you ever started to write something and accidently delete the whole fucking thing? I just did that and of course I thought what I was writing was pretty good but apparently it wasn't meant to be. LOLOLOLOLOL! What the hell?
Must have fucked up on the wording of it, so the world figured it shouldn't be read. Here we go again:
I woke up this morning and decided that every day I am going to organize it around the woman I am and not let life get in the way. The woman I am is incredibly successful and ready to change the world in a better way.
First I need money to do the things I want, of course, and lot's of it. NOT in a greedy way: well maybe a little greed, but also alot of good for the world. You see I have this little cleaning business and I have a fuck-ton of other entrepreneurial ideas but I need one of them to start making lots of money first before I can move to the next things; because, let's face it, if you want to do much of anything you need some damn money. Right now I've had it set up where I am making ok money to provide for me and the kiddos while saving some and spending a little. But the things I would like to do to help make the world a better place I need alot more money.
SO with that being said here is a quick run down of my Life Jam Plan: 1. Every morning imagine the amazingness of what I am going to accomplish: like a fucking killer body, kickass house, sweet business, really great kids, endless money coming in..oh yeah and a nice car. BUT the main thing is the next phase of imagining which is making the world a better place (no you do not get details on that just yet)
2. Plan the day as the successful woman I am: for instance: does this woman get up and drink loads of cream and sugar in her coffee to start the day and a crappy breakfast?? NO: she has a very healthy herbal tea concoction (not marijuana: for christs sake: herbs like: lavendar, echinacea, chamomile, green tea etc) and a well rounded breakfast to fuel her body. Then she works diligently on organizing and growing her business, spending, then working out and planning vacations etc. etc.
3. That's it my plan quick and simple. I will keep you posted on the progress...
P.S. I bet you are wondering what's up with that picture huh??
I don't really know...it's making me laugh my ass off, so I thought you might like it too ahahahahahhahaah
The last 3 weeks I have been working on my health and it feels amazing. I was having so much anxiety: anxiety attacks, odd pains in my chest, every once in awhile I could feel my heart beat differently for a moment. I was feeling sluggish, unhealthy, cranky etc. I decided at the beginning of the year that that day would be the start of a brand new and healthy life for now on.
Now that I am not over-indulging on sugars and food I am rediscovering the love for flavors of food. I made a salmon in my iron skillet the other day, normally it tastes ok. This time it tasted delicious. It flaked perfectly and the flavor was exactly the mouth watering savory I needed. Yogurts are so thick and delectable, rich and smooth. I can taste the sweetness to almonds and savor the delicious aromas of different spices. I forgot how savory and wonderful they are: cinnamon, cloves, oregano, ginger, basil, cilantro, parsley, different teas and herbs, all of these wonderful flavors that I have not been noticing until recently.
I love taking walks and runs: the way my muscles feel when they are warming up and moving, the way my lungs and heart feel, how my blood runs through warming everything up. Breathing in the fresh crisp air is rejuvenating and uplifting. It is quite a high. For some reason I lost touch of all of that. Long wintery runs and walks are so refreshing and meditative. The smells wafting from homes in the quiet stillness of the snowfall are heartwarming and sweet. Hearing the wind blow and watching it catch the snow and dance in the air while feeling the coldness on my face. Wow, it's such an awesome experience, I feel so incredibly grateful to feel. This is going to be one hell of an amazing year.
According to google the definition of Harrassment is: Aggressive pressure or intimidation
My children do this to me. They aggressively try to pressure me to do things for them I do not want to do: examples;
Child "Can I have chocolate milk?"
Me "No honey, you just had ice cream, that is too much sugar for your body."
Child "Can I have chocolate milk?"
Me "No honey, you can not."
Child "Can I have chocolate milk?"
Child "Can I have chocolate milk?"
Child opening refrigerator getting milk to make it anyway.
Me holding milk until child takes hand off "I said no."
Child attempts to hit me. Then throws self on ground screaming. Continues screaming and kicking for at least 15 minutes (probably closer to a minute or two but damn it feels like a looooooooong time).
Then other child says while first child is still throwing tan trum over no chocolate milk:
2nd Child "Where is the remote?"
Me "I do not know, you are in there and I am in the kitchen. You can find it better then me."
2nd Child begins whimpering. Meanwhile other child is banging feet on the fridge due to no chocolate milk.
Me cleaning kitchen.
Third child "Mom where is my long sleeve shirt."
Me "It is in the washer." (I would tell child to put it in the dryer but she is only two).
2nd child: "Mom, I need the remote!"
Me: "Look under couch, in cushions etc"
2nd child "I did it is nowhere!" Starting to cry
1st child banging feet on floor over and over chanting: "Chocolate milk. Chocolate milk. Chocolate Milk."
3rd child "I need long sleeves, long sleeves." Getting upset now.
2nd child throws self on floor "I need the remote!!"
This is intimidation in numbers. 3 little ones loud and crying is quite aggressive, if you ask me. It feels like Harrassment, so it must be. There needs to be a hotline for this type of scenario: "Yes, my 2 year old is threatening physical harm to me if I do not get her her long sleeve shirt out of the wash and magically dry it in seconds."
Hotline person "Are you safe?"
Me " I'm hiding under the bed with a flashlight."
Hotline Person "Where is 2 year old?"
Me whispering "She's systematically opening each door looking for me and walking around each room. It's a matter of minutes befor I am discovered. I'm frightened, very frightened."
Hotline Person "Do you have any hard liquor or chocolate?"
Me "Yes, downstairs in the kitchen."
Hotline Person "Follow these directioms very carefully 1. Slide out from under bed and tip toe down to kitchen 2. Get liquor and chocolate 3. Swig as much liquor as you can 4. Eat all the chocolate
Me "It won't work, nothing works. They just fi.........................." Whispers "She's openimg the door , I think I've been discovered." Now loud "Noooooooo, I can not magically dry your shirt!!! Noooo, do not hurt me........" Then silence.....
Hotline person "Hello, are you there? Hello? Hello? Ohhhhh god no, get the police over there........"
We are all sitting in the living room, hanging out, minding our own business (just me and the 3 kiddos). My crazy little wild haired 2 year old comes over to me with something cupped in her hand. She has an alarmed look on her face and slowly stretches her arm out to give it to me.
I am not even thinking, at this point. It was too sudden. Too out of the blue.
She gingerly drops it in my hand. I feel something small, soft and warm.
My first thought is Ohmigod its a fucking mouse!!!
Then realization hits.
I realize it is a very small turd shaped similar to a mouse sitting in my hand.
I was so completely done with relationships, I was planning my life solo, and have to say it was damn hard to do with seeing men just walking around all over the place. Like, really, don't they know that I need to not see them, especially when they are extra attractive. I wrote about the perfect guy for me and figured he was a figment of my imagination. Well apparently I already knew him. Between that post and now, I am in a relationship with the EXACT guy I thought I made up and I was already friends with him. What the fuck, right? So yeah I lied about not dating.
And it was really hard to NOT date for as long as I did. One day when I had my internet hooked up the dude that shows up was ridiculously attractive. I about closed the damn door in his dreamy blue-eyed face. Instead I just stayed in the other room and tried not to look at him. What is wrong with guys like that? Showing up to hook up my internet with a face and body like that. Come on now.. Obviously my singledom didn't last as long as I had planned so now I am in a committed relationship and actually....wait for it.....happy about it. All those people who said just do you and forget about a relationship, yeah I guess they might know a little something. That is when we found each other, he was doing the same thing; saying to himself fuck relationships. Now I just need to not fuck it up. Much easier said then done.
One thing that needs to happen is my kids need to stop being psycho when they are around him. They love him and want him around but all their crazy little energy comes off in ways like hitting each other, whining and asking for things in high-pitched nails-on-chalkboard type of voices and anything else kids might do when they are getting used to a change. How does anyone deal with this? I do not know how even I do, at all. How is my brain even working anymore ?
I keep thinking that me and my crazy little monsters are going to scare him off for good. So far he is sticking around, we even talk about the future and make plans: he does this too, not just me. Damn I wonder how did this happen, I was supposed to be single forever and now am with a dude I really like. Its a good thing cause maybe I'll stop being mad at all the men just, you know, living their lives and walking around for me to see... Now I don't even notice them, imagine that.
I did some work for this lady who I never trusted from the damn beginning. I show up at this freaking house, she immediately tells me how she had to fire her other cleaning crew because they were talking smack about her and her husband being alcoholics...I knew right then and there I should just leave. When someone tells you something like that you know that it is probably true. They are trying to play it off as if they are something different when truth is, they are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. Plus, somehow liars all have that similar bitchy liar look etched in their face and the way they apply makeup or something, maybe it's the shape of their face?? I don't know, they have a similar look that I just can't place. I also heard her whispering to the nanny while I was cleaning and I didn't trust the damn nanny either.
Some time goes by and I work for her for at least 6 months. She told me to wait on cashing some checks here and there, no big deal but always annoyed me of course. A check or two bounces but I stupidly was giving her the benefit of the doubt as she was good for the money, mostly. My mind kept going back to thinking she was going to just not pay at some point. Finally in the end she gives me this goddamned sob story, blows me off and never pays the 400 bucks she owes me.
In my mind I am casting revenge on her, you know going to her house to vandalize it and taking her to court, winning the case of course. This asshole is smart though, she waits until she moves to fuck me over. I do not have her new address and I am guessing I am not the first person she has done this to, as she has no facebook presence either. One of these days she will slip up and I will take her to court and get my money.
How do people think it is an ok thing to do to someone? I even told her I could work with her if she wanted to make payments or something, I waited around for her patiently. Was polite when I just wanted to go and beat her ass. I guess as a 35 year old woman I am a little too old for doing something like that plus, obviously, do not want to go to jail over her stupid ass. So instead I am blogging about her disgusting self and illustrated it for your enjoyment, or maybe my enjoyment
For some reason many people (definitely not me, I have never done this...ever) think they should be saying yes to people every time someone asks them to do something; like can you pet my cat 7 days next week while I'm out of town, so she's not lonely, or cousin invites you to bridal shower so you can give up your weekend night to spend at least a 100 bucks on her even though you see each other once a year, if that, or your friends kids birthday party: to buy kid a present and take time to buy the damn present, wrap it, waste at least 5 more bucks on the damn card and hope you have some saved wrapping paper at home so as not to waste more money on that, then you still have to go to the party and this friend (questionable friendships) rarely makes efforts for you or how about when your parents guilt trip you into going shopping with them and you despise it?When most of those things basically give you severe nightmares thinking about it. You would rather eat a slug then go or maybe a plate of ants. So I say to hell with it! Do you and your own plans it is much better for your mental health.
I think the same about apologizing. Why apologize to anyone when you are not goddammed sorry. When you are out in public and someone bumps into you and you apologize?? Oh hell no, just stare at them until they get scared and run off or they can fucking apologize?!? Apologizing takes away some of your power and makes you look like a scared frightened little rabbit. And nope, apologies are for the birds or maybe rabbits. Not tough empowered tiger people...which is what we all want to be, least I pretend I am.
Next week is my last full week of work then I will be working 3 days at cleaning houses/my old business and the other two will be working on my art business from home. I am nervous and excited about the change. Nervous that the art business will not pan out and no longer working those two days=less money. I could loose too much money but I have some back up money saved for bills and it will get me through the winter if needed: yet I would rather save it. I have a budget worked out so I should be fine.
Putting that aside I am very excited and do know that I have the past experience and self-confidence to turn my art into a really productive business, yet I know it will take time to grow, as anything does. There are so many things I could do to make money: although, I think it is best to keep it narrowed down and focused to one area then maybe extend to other areas or businesses.
I feel like a quitter with the cleaning business but it is definitely serving/has served it's purpose. Making money, paying bills, savings and a great stepping stone to doing what I really love: creating and writting. The decision to do this was really hard. Fear was the ultimate factor in keeping me from moving forward with my dreams. Then after thinking on it for months, possibly years to get me to now, I decided that I will never know until I try. Thinking about the worse that could happen if I fail lead me to my decision to move forward. The worse that could happen is I am not making enough money then I will have to pick the cleaning business back up, find a different job or money making means. Honestly, if that is the worst that could happen what the hell am I waiting for?? So here I am planning out the next month to follow my dream...