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Author: Andy Borowitz / Source: The New Yorker

Photograph by Joe Raedle / Getty

SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—Stating that he expected the property to be “bankrupt and vacant within the next two years,” Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, announced on Thursday that the Mar-a-Lago club, in Palm Beach, Florida, would be the site of Amazon’s second headquarters.

Bezos said that Mar-a-Lago was chosen from a list of soon-to-be-bankrupt…

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The post Jeff Bezos Chooses Soon-to-Be Bankrupt Mar-a-Lago as New Amazon Headquarters appeared first on Inside the Nation.

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Author: Andy Borowitz / Source: The New Yorker

Photograph by Andrew Harrer / Bloomberg / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bid to end the government shutdown, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh said on Thursday that he would recycle his empties to pay for a wall with Mexico.

Speaking to reporters from his office at the Court, Kavanaugh said that the inspiration came to him while he was building a beer-can…

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The post Brett Kavanaugh Offers to Pay for Wall by Recycling His Empties appeared first on Inside the Nation.

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Author: Karl Giberson / Source: HuffPost

Jesus came to visit Donald Trump, just as the controversy surrounding Trump’s claim that Obama had tapped his phone was at its highest level.

“I have some news for you, Donald,” said Jesus.

“I hope it’s about how you are going to strike that James Comey dead,” said Trump. “I thought he was my friend but now he is telling everyone I am a liar.”

“Actually that is what I want to talk to you about,” said Jesus.

“So you are going to strike Comey dead?” said Trump. “That is a good idea, believe me. You will be glad you did that. Can I be there when you do it?”

“No. I am not going to strike Comey dead,” said Jesus. “I am here to talk about lying.”

“Great!” said Trump. “It’s about time you took note of the lying media, constantly making stuff up about me. Are you going to strike the New York Times dead?”

“No,” said Jesus.

“How about MSNBC? Can you strike them dead? Especially that skinny woman on Morning Joe with the name I can’t pronounce. She’s a two, by the way.”

“No.”

“What about the Huffington Post? Could you at least strike them dead?” asked Trump, plaintively. “They deserve it, believe me.”

“I am not striking anybody dead,” said Jesus. “I’m here to give you a special recognition.”

“Well, I can’t say I am surprised,” said Trump. “I knew, sooner or later, you would see just how awesome I am. You must be amazed when you compare me to other people….

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The post Jesus Visited Donald Trump At Trump Tower appeared first on Inside the Nation.

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Author: Jeffrey Frank / Source: The New Yorker

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama has started calling every person in America to offer consolation about Donald Trump being President, Obama has confirmed.

“It’s something I meant to do right after the Inauguration,” Obama said, during a brief break from the phone calls. “I feel…

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The post Obama Consoling American Citizens As Trump Remains in Office appeared first on Inside the Nation.

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Author: Hua Hsu / Source: The New Yorker

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump cancelled his entire schedule on Tuesday to focus all his energy on choosing an insulting nickname for the Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, aides have confirmed.

Trump rejected his first attempt at a demeaning moniker for the senator, “liddle’ Bob Corker,” because he felt that he had used the “liddle’ ” construction too much in the…

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The post Trump’s Attempt at an Insulting Nickname for Bob Corker appeared first on Inside the Nation.

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Author: STEVEN KURUTZ / Source: New York Times

Jason Raish

In a country where we can’t seem to agree on anything, one opinion has lately reached a broad consensus across diverse groups of people: Yeti is pretty awesome.

Miranda Lambert loves her Yeti. Jason Momoa, the beefy actor from “Game of Thrones,” considers his Yeti essential technology. The hit country song “Buy Me a Boat” by Chris Janson is, in part, an ode to Yeti, or rather, an ode to money because, as Mr. Janson sings, “It could buy me a Yeti 110 iced down with some Silver Bullets.”

Yeti is wildly popular in liberal Portland, Ore., and in the conservative South, beloved by grizzled dads who hunt and fish and their beachgoing daughters. If you are not yet initiated into the cult, it may surprise you to learn that a Yeti is a plastic cooler.

Think of those hard coolers you buy at Walmart for $30 and use for family picnics and road trips and toss in the garage in between. Yeti coolers are similar, but better-constructed and way more expensive. They are made using a technology called rotomolding (short for rotational molding and involving resin and an oven), and, as home tests have proved, keep cold for days. They cost $380 for the medium-size Tundra 50, topping out at $1,300 for the Tundra 350.

It’s now peak Yeti time, because football tailgating season is in high gear. But every day is peak Yeti time, because as Matt Reintjes, the company’s chief executive, said, the coolers are “pursuit agnostic.” Anywhere people are gathered together and stuff needs to stay cold, he argues (a golf outing with your buddies, a bachelorette weekend, a beer bash in the woods, the parking lot outside a Springsteen concert), is an occasion to bring your Yeti.

The Yeti Tank 85 at a tailgating event in Tuscaloosa, Ala., this month. The Yeti may have its biggest fan base in the South.

“We talk about being ‘built for the wild,’ but we don’t want to define what the wild means,” Mr. Reintjes said.

It’s this wide-ranging usefulness that has made Yeti coolers perhaps the only product ever endorsed in the pages of both Cosmopolitan and Petersen’s Bowhunting, which told its readers that a Yeti is key when you have “a pack overflowing with fresh elk meat.”

The fact that some Yetis are nearly the cost of a designer suit or Chanel flats has improbably elevated the humble cooler to a luxury status accessory. Onward Reserve, a preppy men’s store, sells Yeti coolers alongside Smathers & Branson needlepoint belts and Barbour jackets in its Washington, D.C., location. And stylish young women have taken to monogramming and customizing with stickers their Yeti Rambler Lowball tumblers, which cost around $20 for the 10-ounce cup and come in a variety of colors including seafoam.

Carter…

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The post Will The Yeti Be Able To Unite America? appeared first on Inside the Nation.

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Author: Rebecca Caplan / Source: The New Yorker

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A growing chorus of Americans is demanding that an offensive symbol of racism be removed from public property.

Creating outrage since it was first installed at a historic landmark in January, the symbol, a figure of a man standing six feet two and weighing approximately two hundred and…

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The post Americans Fight to Remove Offensive Symbols From Public Property appeared first on Inside the Nation.

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Author: Brian McNicoll / Source: Townhall

Ben & Jerry’s ice cream had to figure it would be one of the last firms in America to come under attack from the liberal misinformation complex.

It has created flavors to honor Democrat politicians, contributed to Democrat campaigns and positioned itself well to the left on social and employment issues. It has cultivated an image of the “good capitalist,” which can create jobs, lead in its field and do it all in a sustainable and environmentally friendly way.

But when there became a bigger fish to fry, all the loyalty the company thought it had earned suddenly dried up. And now the knives – or at least the ice cream spoons – are out for it.

Last month, the New York Times fired an opening salvo in this new battle with an article that said several of Ben & Jerry’s more popular flavors – Half Baked, Phish Food Peanut Butter Cookie and Chocolate Fudge Brownie were found to contain a “controversial herbicide” – glyphosate, the main ingredient in the RoundUp brand of weed killers.

Why would the left turn on Ben & Jerry’s in this way? Because a bigger lobby – in this case the Organic Consumers Association – wants it this way. For years, the organization has tried to pressure Ben & Jerry’s to “stop greenwashing” itself and “go organic.” Ben & Jerry’s already doesn’t use genetically modified plant ingredients in its products, but that is not enough.

View Cartoon

It also is not enough that the amounts of glyphosate found in those ice cream pints fell far below the safe legal limits set by the EPA. To reach what the EPA considers the danger zone, a 75-pound child would have to eat 145,000 servings of Chocolate Fudge Brownie, which contained the most glyphosate of any of the brands tested. An adult would have to at 290,000. Even the binge-iest of ice cream eaters could…

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The post And Now They’re After Our Ice Cream appeared first on Inside the Nation.

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Author: Jeffrey Toobin / Source: The New Yorker

Photograph by Saul Loeb / AFP / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans would gladly work for Robert Mueller for free if that would help speed things up, a new poll finds.

According to the survey, a substantial number of Americans would leave their jobs, their homes, and even their families to join the special counsel’s team if doing so would help bring this nightmare to a swifter conclusion.

A spokesperson for the special counsel confirmed that his office…

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The post Millions Volunteer to Work for Mueller for Free appeared first on Inside the Nation.

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Author: John Cassidy / Source: The New Yorker

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was rushed to the hospital late Monday night with what doctors diagnosed as a low white-vote count.

Doctors at Walter Reed Army Medical Center said that when McConnell arrived at the facility his white-vote count had fallen below fifty…

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The post McConnell Rushed to Hospital with Low White-Vote Count appeared first on Inside the Nation.

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