SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—Stating that he expected the property to be “bankrupt and vacant within the next two years,” Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, announced on Thursday that the Mar-a-Lago club, in Palm Beach, Florida, would be the site of Amazon’s second headquarters.
Bezos said that Mar-a-Lago was chosen from a list of soon-to-be-bankrupt…
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump cancelled his entire schedule on Tuesday to focus all his energy on choosing an insulting nickname for the Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, aides have confirmed.
Trump rejected his first attempt at a demeaning moniker for the senator, “liddle’ Bob Corker,” because he felt that he had used the “liddle’ ” construction too much in the…
In a country where we can’t seem to agree on anything, one opinion has lately reached a broad consensus across diverse groups of people: Yeti is pretty awesome.
Miranda Lambert loves her Yeti. Jason Momoa, the beefy actor from “Game of Thrones,” considers his Yeti essential technology. The hit country song “Buy Me a Boat” by Chris Janson is, in part, an ode to Yeti, or rather, an ode to money because, as Mr. Janson sings, “It could buy me a Yeti 110 iced down with some Silver Bullets.”
Yeti is wildly popular in liberal Portland, Ore., and in the conservative South, beloved by grizzled dads who hunt and fish and their beachgoing daughters. If you are not yet initiated into the cult, it may surprise you to learn that a Yeti is a plastic cooler.
Think of those hard coolers you buy at Walmart for $30 and use for family picnics and road trips and toss in the garage in between. Yeti coolers are similar, but better-constructed and way more expensive. They are made using a technology called rotomolding (short for rotational molding and involving resin and an oven), and, as home tests have proved, keep cold for days. They cost $380 for the medium-size Tundra 50, topping out at $1,300 for the Tundra 350.
It’s now peak Yeti time, because football tailgating season is in high gear. But every day is peak Yeti time, because as Matt Reintjes, the company’s chief executive, said, the coolers are “pursuit agnostic.” Anywhere people are gathered together and stuff needs to stay cold, he argues (a golf outing with your buddies, a bachelorette weekend, a beer bash in the woods, the parking lot outside a Springsteen concert), is an occasion to bring your Yeti.
The Yeti Tank 85 at a tailgating event in Tuscaloosa, Ala., this month. The Yeti may have its biggest fan base in the South.
“We talk about being ‘built for the wild,’ but we don’t want to define what the wild means,” Mr. Reintjes said.
It’s this wide-ranging usefulness that has made Yeti coolers perhaps the only product ever endorsed in the pages of both Cosmopolitan and Petersen’s Bowhunting, which told its readers that a Yeti is key when you have “a pack overflowing with fresh elk meat.”
The fact that some Yetis are nearly the cost of a designer suit or Chanel flats has improbably elevated the humble cooler to a luxury status accessory. Onward Reserve, a preppy men’s store, sells Yeti coolers alongside Smathers & Branson needlepoint belts and Barbour jackets in its Washington, D.C., location. And stylish young women have taken to monogramming and customizing with stickers their Yeti Rambler Lowball tumblers, which cost around $20 for the 10-ounce cup and come in a variety of colors including seafoam.
Ben & Jerry’s ice cream had to figure it would be one of the last firms in America to come under attack from the liberal misinformation complex.
It has created flavors to honor Democrat politicians, contributed to Democrat campaigns and positioned itself well to the left on social and employment issues. It has cultivated an image of the “good capitalist,” which can create jobs, lead in its field and do it all in a sustainable and environmentally friendly way.
But when there became a bigger fish to fry, all the loyalty the company thought it had earned suddenly dried up. And now the knives – or at least the ice cream spoons – are out for it.
Last month, the New York Times fired an opening salvo in this new battle with an article that said several of Ben & Jerry’s more popular flavors – Half Baked, Phish Food Peanut Butter Cookie and Chocolate Fudge Brownie were found to contain a “controversial herbicide” – glyphosate, the main ingredient in the RoundUp brand of weed killers.
It also is not enough that the amounts of glyphosate found in those ice cream pints fell far below the safe legal limits set by the EPA. To reach what the EPA considers the danger zone, a 75-pound child would have to eat 145,000 servings of Chocolate Fudge Brownie, which contained the most glyphosate of any of the brands tested. An adult would have to at 290,000. Even the binge-iest of ice cream eaters could…
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans would gladly work for Robert Mueller for free if that would help speed things up, a new poll finds.
According to the survey, a substantial number of Americans would leave their jobs, their homes, and even their families to join the special counsel’s team if doing so would help bring this nightmare to a swifter conclusion.
A spokesperson for the special counsel confirmed that his office…