HumorOutcasts.com is a place to write, laugh and think. It is the result of a brainstorming session between several humor writers who longed for a site that would allow them to push the envelope and spread their creative wings. On this site you will find humorists, stand-up comics, entertainers, cartoonists and writers of serious subject matter – all who believe in the power of humor.
McCabe, you know, is a liar, And Rosenstein’s actions are treasonous. Comey: not loyal, so I fired. (Doesn’t matter what the true reason is.) Sessions was a real beauty (I sure don’t mean his looks). The DOJ won’t do its duty – Divisions are all filled with crooks. We have the First Amendment, Which ensures that the press can stay free. 100% I defend it – Unless they write something ‘bout me. I’ll sit there and firmly deny it, And label the story Fake News To make sure the public won’t buy it: All big journalistic breakthroughs. I make claims both false and fantastic; Pull numbers right out of the air. A question for me? Yes, please ask it – A truthful response won’t be there. It seems it’s the height of hypocrisy: I label the press as mendacious – When lying by me and my posse, Like measles, is highly contagious. I’ve managed, through all of my antics, To circle myself with apologists. Once critics, they’re now sycophantics. (The “Why?” is best left to psychologists). The victor, it’s said, is the owner of all spoils; But now, after two years of chaos and turmoil, As Mueller stays up way […]
BOSTON. At first, the collective murmur at the Union League Club here was just a low hum, but as it grew it drowned out the noise from the HVAC blowers over the twelve indoor squash courts. “He’s running,” came the word from one player wearing a red, white and blue sweat band on his head. Weld: “Did I vote for myself? No, I have hired help for that.” “Really? Super!” came the reply as a pair of players exited court number 3, a few minutes after the bell signaling the end of their time. The news that caused such a nuanced stir in the shabby genteel halls of this 165-year-old men’s club was the announcement by William F. Weld, former governor of Massachusetts and avid squash player, that we would run for President in 2020 as a Republican, challenging incumbent Donald Trump. “I think it’s terrific,” says long-time club member Asa Wharton III, whose great-great-great-great-great grandfather was one of the founding members. Is that, this reporter asks, because of the tacky vulgarian who sits in the White House today? Gillibrand: “Your drop shot was a dink, you dink.” “No, no complaints there,” he replies. “It sets up the […]
So I recently got my annual sinus infection, which is kind of like that annoying relative who shows up once a year, gives you a headache, and doesn’t seem all that eager to leave, and I’m not talking about you, Uncle Sid. (I totally am. Don’t tell.) My sinus infections are kind of like Godzilla tromping around in my Tokyo head, causing chaos, completely impervious to over the counter tanks and rockets. Only a Mothra-sized dose of antibiotics can drive it out, and … well, you Japanese monster movie fans, you get it. Mothra is a giant moth. I really shouldn’t need to explain this. But this time I decided to try something a little different. Since sinus infections can be cause by either bacteria or a virus, I figured there was a good chance antibiotics wouldn’t work. Since the antibiotics themselves make me feel crappy, why not just treat myself? It’s not quite the same as treating myself to chocolate, but what is? I used hot compresses, which was nice because it’s winter, and something called a neti pot, which is never nice, ever, in any season, under any circumstances. The proper name is sinus irrigation, which sounds so […]
[The following is a partially true story.] As a parent, I have long tried to be a role model for my children. I have always striven to teach my daughters fundamental values like integrity, honesty and good sportsmanship – except when it came to chess. Then all bets were off. When my girls were seven and eight years old, respectively, I taught them the ancient game of chess (something for which they have never forgiven me). Initially, their skills were rudimentary at best. But after a couple years of patient mentoring, they were able to name most of the pieces on a multiple choice quiz. Eventually, their games improved to the point that, over their vehement protests, I enrolled them in a chess tournament at a local elementary school. Upon arrival, I noticed that most of the kids and their parents had something in common: almost none of them looked like me. That’s because, of the 300 kids in this competition, 95% of them were either Chinese, Korean, Indian, Pakistani, or some other Asian demographic. I’d heard about Tiger Moms, but never have I seen so many in one room – the intensity in their eyes was daunting. As for […]
If the past is any kind of prologue, America’s white-collar work force will return to their jobs today through a kind of human resources mine field. Valentine’s Day was Thursday, followed by the long holiday weekend for Presidents Day, which means the next work day will be the launching pad for more violations of corporate Dignity in the Workplace Policies set forth in three-ring binders than any of the other 364, or 365 in a leap year. “Sucky–how was yours?” Why is this? Because of the social greeting that came into vogue approximately a decade ago–”How was your weekend?” Originally used as a conversation starter by young people who actually had a life outside the office, it soon morphed into an all-purpose salutation, like “How are you?” but with its own special day. You can say “How are you?” any day of the week, but you can only say “How was your weekend?” on the first day after a weekend. Unfortunately, while everyone understands that “How are you?” is a greeting, not a question, “How was your weekend?” hangs out there like a poorly-thrown curve ball, just waiting to be belted out of the conversational park by someone who either […]