A blog about my Anorexia recovery. Karly, diagnosed with Anorexia almost three years ago and have been battling it ever since. On her blog she shares different experiences and her recovery, to inspire people with eating disorders to fight for a happier and healthier life.
For years, I lived completely consumed by my illness and unable to make any recovery progress. If anyone had of asked me during this time if I wanted to recover I would have said a huge YES, however I honestly didn't think it was possible for me to do what I needed to do in order to recover so I didn't really try. At the time, I told people around me and even myself that I was trying to recover but looking back, I know I wasn't trying, not really. I was eating enough to keep myself out of hospital and alive however I was severely underweight and my starved mind was incapable of thinking rationally, which made trying to recover seem even more impossible. The thought of doing the things I knew I needed to do in order to get better was so terrifying that I didn't think it was possible that I would ever get better. I had accepted that I was going to live the rest of my life consumed by my eating disorder.
Anyone whose been where I have been knows just how impossible and difficult it feels and anyone who hasn't been there wont be able to even begin to understand. I suppose the easiest way to describe it is if someone told you that you had to become the richest person in the world or the fastest runner in the world, you would probably think that it seemed impossible and that there would be no point in even trying as it couldn't happen. Well that's how impossible the prospect of recovery seems to someone who is fully consumed by anorexia. Also, the fear associated with doing the things you need to do in order to recover is so severe that you would honestly rather just die. That's how I felt anyway. My thought processes were so irrational that just eating a meal prepared by my family or someone else honestly would have terrified me more than sculling a bottle of poison or jumping off a bridge.
So how did I manage to recover when it seemed so impossible and scary? I found hope. That is honestly the only difference between the years I spent totally consumed by my eating disorder and unable to change and the time when I was actually able to start making some recovery progress and turn my life around. I read anorexia recovery blogs of other girls who managed to beat their illnesses and this gave me hope that I too could get better. I was miserable living with my illness. I had become a social recluse with no friends and I was incapable of even having relationships with family members. I was 20 years old and had never had a romantic relationship, didn't go out, play sport or have any hobbies. I had dropped out of university and did nothing but stay home and be consumed by anorexia all day every day, month in month out. I wanted so much to live a normal life and through seeing other girls get better who had been where I was, gave me hope that I could do it too.
So I started my recovery journey and started my own blog to document my progress, with the intentions of inspiring other sufferers and giving them the hope they required to fight their illnesses. My recovery then became about not only fighting for the life I wanted for myself but also about recovering so that I could give hope to others, as had happened to me. Everyday was painful and scary but I never gave up hope and I never gave in to my eating disorder. I continued to follow my plan and as I did I began to recover, both physically and mentally. My thoughts slowly became more rational, meaning things that initially terrified me didn't seem so scary anymore. My eating behaviours got more and more normal and I started to get out of the house more and started to actually live my life for the first time in many years.
Everyday I received emails from readers all over the world, saying that my recovery journey was giving them hope, which in turn made me all the more adamant to keep going until I made a full recovery. I didn't want to be the reason that my readers lost hope, I wanted to continue to inspire them and that's exactly what I did. I kept going until I was living a relatively normal life with lots of friends and family, a partner, holidays, university, work, sports, hobbies and all the things that I ever wanted in life. Even though I don't blog often anymore, I still like to check in occasionally and let everyone know that I am still ok. I may have a few ups and downs every now and then but nothing that prevents me from living a happy and normal life. I suppose I just want to help as many people find hope as possible as I believe it really is the difference between being able to recover or not.
So please, if you are struggling and feel like recovery is impossible for you, I promise its not. You can recover just like I did. You just need to have hope, believe in yourself and fight with everything you have for the life you deserve to live. Karly xxx
This week I have commenced my final year of university study. Although I am exciting to be nearing the end of my university degree, I really am not feeling motivated to be back studying again as I was really enjoying my summer break. Overall, this summer has been a really enjoyable one. Here in Tasmania really hot days are usually quite rare, even in summer however this year we have had continuous weeks of hot weather which I have really enjoyed.
Christmas and New years was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed getting to spend heaps of time with my partner as he had a couple of weeks off work. We had his kids quite a bit which I really enjoyed as they are great kids and treat me really well. We spent multiple days at the dam or river just swimming and sunbaking, eating yummy foods, relaxing and drinking sometimes too. I attended my first Rodeo which was a lot of fun, went to melbourne to see Shanis Twain in concert and also participated in a 5 kilometer fun run called 'run the bridge'.
My mindset has been pretty good over the past few months and I am becoming more and more comfortable with my body which is great. My weight has stabilised at what I think is probably a healthy and natural weight for me and I feel relatively happy and healthy in myself. The eating disorder qualms I was having throughout the year last year have got a lot better and although I weigh around 5 kilograms more than I did this time last year, I don't dislike my body any less.
I suppose what happened to me last year was an important reminder to me that as much as I would like to, I cant just forget about my eating disorder past and live like everybody else. I honestly believed that I was fully recovered and that I didn't have to worry about food or weight or anything else ever again and then my eating disorder creeped back in. This wasn't reflected in my weight as I didn't lose weight but I could tell by my thoughts that I was relapsing.
I have managed to pull it all together however and even though I am feeling much better now, I don't want to make the same mistake again and risk falling into that disordered mind set. Don't get me wrong, I still have days now when I get anxious and worry about what to eat, how I look and what I weigh however I am on top of it enough to not let it affect my actions or stop me from being healthy or living my life.
It has been a bit hard since my partner has gone back to work as we are still living an hour a part and he has no drivers licence however any days/nights we aren't together we spend a lot of time chatting on the phone or messaging. His family are also incredibly welcoming of me so I stay with them all quite a lot and feel like a part of the family when I am there which is really nice. We have an amazing relationship and I feel incredibly grateful for how well he treats me and how special he makes me feel.
I don't really have much else to report, I just wanted to let everyone know how I am getting on and remind people that there is life at the end of an eating disorder. No matter how hopeless or impossible recovery may seem, you can do it! It is hard, excruciating in fact however I promise it is well worth it in the end. I still read back through my old journals from when I was sick sometimes and every time I amaze myself, thinking about how sick I was and how far I have come. So I truly do believe that recovery is possible for anyone, you just have to believe in yourself and work hard!
I cant believe 2018 is coming to an end. It has been a huge year for me and although I have been faced with many challenges, I think I have managed to stay in top of things ok. I'm not going to lie to you all, there have been times when my eating disorder stuff has resurfaced and that has been hard but I have managed to maintain my weight and have tried to live my life to the fullest, in despite of this.
I started seeing a new guy in June and my life has been super busy since then. He is 10 years older then me although it doesn't really feel like it as he is pretty immature. Not in a bad way he just still likes to have fun and enjoy himself. He has 3 daughters and has been married before so it has been a lot to adjust to but I love spending time with his girls and helping look after them. He plays football and cricket so most weekends are spent driving around tasmania and watching him play but I dont really mind. I enjoy watching him play and also enjoy the socializing.
I have only got my semester results a couple of days ago but I was really happy with them. It was a full on semester as I was doing 4 units and attending uni in launceston atleast once a week, working in Swansea, living between Swansea where my sister is and Runnymede (an hour away) where my boyfriend lives. I wasnt expecting to do as well as I usually do as I have been so busy with life and have been looking after others like my sister and have also been struggling myself with eating disorder stuff but somehow I managed to overcome all that and still do well.
At the moment I am not feeling as though I am 100% good and recovered but I am definitely on top of things and feeling much better than I have at various stages throughout the year. I weigh more than I have in many years but actually really like my body. I am curvier then I have been for a long time but I dont see this as bad. It just makes feel womanly. But I have developed a fear of gaining weight again through weighing more I guess which plays on my mind a fair bit. For instance I have gone back to worrying about what I should eat and worrying that I have eaten too much and am going to lose weight, but I hope it is just a phase that will pass once I get used to being slightly bigger.
Since being so busy and spending more time down at my boyfriends place I have started exercising a lot less which has also been hard on me. However I think it has been good at the same time as it is not healthy to have a huge reliance on exercise in order to not feel guilty about eating food. I still go for walks sometimes though and hope to get back into a more consistent exercise routine as I do enjoy it and my sausage dog really needs to lose the extra weight she has gained over the winter since I have stopped walking her as much :p
I am looking forward to Christmas and summer this year and hope that it is onward and upward from this point as far as my eating dis ok rider goes. Yes I have come accross a bit of a hiccup in my recovery but I am determined to make it no more than that, a hiccup. I will not let it affect my physical health even if I am struggling mentally at times and I am not going to relapse as I know what I would be giving up and what I would be going back to and I dont want that at all. Finally, I would like to Send my love to everyone out there fighting an eating disorder or supporting a loved one with one <3 I know how hard it is but please dont give up on recovery, it really will be worth it!