If only the sign had also been in Spanish and Braille
NEW YORK (AP) – In New York City, Mayor Bill de Blasio became the 24th of 24 Democrat presidential candidates to cement his gun control bona fides by signing a pledge not to rely on armed Secret Service agents for personal protection. De Blasio, like the rest of the signatories, vow to rely exclusively on “Gun Free Zone” signage, prominently displayed around the perimeter of any venue at which they have a speaking engagement.
De Blasio said he was “proud” to put his name on “such a historic document” which marked an important “first step” in ending gun violence across America.
“I am so proud that my fellow Democrats and I could put aside our differences and show true unity on a subject dear to all our hearts and campaigns,” said de Blasio. “Just as all of us signed pledges to pay our interns $15 an hour, get our health insurance exclusively though Affordable Care Act-approved providers, and stop feeding plastic grocery bags to polar bears, we stand equally united on this. Our dream is to show this country what a gun-free America would look like, and today, we’re making that dream a reality.”
The pledge was the brain-child of former Vice President Joe Biden, who said he was inspired by his experiences while serving in the West Wing for eight years.
“We all know that guns kill more people than terrorists, lightning, and auto accidents combined,” said Biden. “We of the Democratic Party need to step up and show leadership in reversing that terrifying trend. When I was Vice President, the Secret Service agents assigned to protect me never once pulled their guns out and shot any crazed murderers. Do you know why? Because at all the entrances to the White House, there are prominently-displayed signs that say ‘no firearms beyond this point.’ So what do you think happens? Everybody obeys the signs, and nobody gets shot. I can’t think of stronger proof that these signs work everywhere they’re tried.”
Long shot candidate Andrew Yang, who consistently polls around 1% in a field where he’s statistically entitled to at least 4% just by random chance, said he supports the pledge for, perhaps, slightly different reasons than his compatriots.
“I’ll be honest,” said Yang, “unlike some of the other Democrats, I’m not an idiot, just a socialist. I know darn well signs aren’t going to prevent doodly-squat. My hope is that some loony will shoot me at one of my rallies. At this point, it’s about my only chance to get any press coverage.”
Since the IMAO audience is the smartest on earth, they’ll help answer your questions. For those they don’t answer, we’ll answer next time. Or, we’ll answer if further clarification is needed.
Here are the remaining questions from last edition.
walruskkkch: I’m thinking of a number, what is it?
It’s a unit belonging to an abstract mathematical system and subject to specified laws of succession, addition, and multiplication, but that’s not important right now. Tell the captain I must speak to him.
Oppo: Would a just God allow hipsters to continue to wear fedoras and soul patches?
No. He would allow them to wear Trilbys though. And the Devil would cause them to call the hats Fedoras rather than Trilbys because Trilbys sounds as stupid as they look. But Fedoras — actual Fedoras — rock.
Yes, but he was really the 11th. Nobody mentions the War Reindeer.
A special thanks — and bacon! — to the Moon Nukers who helped answer the questions last time:
Happy Fun Ball
Remember, if you have a question, leave it in the comments and someone will answer it for you, either by replying to it in the comments, or I’ll offer an answer next time. Or, you can email us at Ask.IMAO.Anything@gmail.com and I’ll answer it next time.