Join us in fighting all unfair divorce tactics and creating awareness of fair ways to divorce. There is no need for separating or divorcing couples to be at war with each other until everyone involved are devastated. There are alternative solutions for parting ways or dissolving a marriage in a civilised manner. Let us inspire families to integrity, compassion and honour.
How it Works
Global Fair Divorce Day lasts the whole day (24hrs). What you have to do on that day, is wear something blue on your left hand, post a picture on the Facebook Event page and then share it on your own timeline. Follow the daily news and updates on this page by “Going” to the event. You can also follow updates on Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest & LinkedIn. Please help us spread the news by sharing this page via the social media links provided.
Who can Participate
If you have any experience of divorce, whether as a child of divorcing parents, divorcing your spouse, as family or a friend of a couple going through divorce, a colleague of someone in divorce, a new partner of a divorcee or you witnessed the traumatic effects of the unfair manner in which divorce is conducted, you should join this cause. Even if you are happily married and want to support those who have suffered through divorce, you are welcome to join.
Why we Celebrate Global Fair Divorce Day
In celebrating Global Fair Divorce Day, we commit ourselves to Fair Conduct in good times and in bad. We wear blue on our left arm, hand and particularly the left ring finger, to show our undeniable commitment to distinguishing ourselves from the majority of people who fight and destroy lives through divorce, by loving one another, having empathy and being as fair as possible.
We believe that being Fair during the divorce process is noble. Blue is a symbol of loyalty and faithfulness, despite the trauma of divorce and getting through this life-changing event with our dignity in tact.
On 25 June, we all wear something blue on our left hand or decorate our left hand in any blue manner and post a photo on our Facebook Event page to show our support. Then we share this with our friends, colleagues & families. Be creative and have fun! Help us make the whole world aware that divorce can and should be fair!
Posted by Sinta Ebersohn (Creator of fairdivorce.co.za – Cape Town RSA)
It is a decade since I worked with Thomas Moore to assist in reuniting him with his son after many years apart.
You can read about his journey and our work together in his book ‘Please Let Me See My Son’. This week Thomas called me to say hello and let me know that his son is well and living a normal and healthy life. I knew then and I know now, that when we help children to recover from the induced psychological splitting which causes parental alienation, their life chances are good and the future looks bright. Having a healthy parent to return to is key to recovery and being able to hear from parents around the UK, whose children I have reunited with them, lets me know that in each and every case of severe parental alienation, the decision to intervene robustly is the right one.
I have now completed residence transfer work with 45 severely alienated children over the past decade and have worked with so many more in structured interventions which have brought about significant change. In all of the work that we do at the Family Separation Clinic our aim is to find the swiftest route to assist the child to recover from the maladaptive coping mechanism of psychological splitting. It isn’t easy to unpack this route and it must ALWAYS be done in conjunction with legal teams who understand parental alienation but when everyone is lined up with the understanding that an alienated child is a child at risk of serious emotional harm, the route is swift and the recovery is swifter.
The quickest recovery from the psychologically split state of mind that I have witnessed is a nano second. I am telling you the truth when I write that. The reality of the psychological splitting which causes the child to align and reject is not a mental health issue in the child but a phenomenon which is configured in the child but caused by the way in which the child is being controlled by the parent they have become pathologically aligned to. Remove the power and control over the child, hold the line and transfer the power to the receiving (rejected) parent and bingo, the alienation disappears like a puff of smoke.
I should know, I have seen it happen with 45 severely alienated children. Children who have made horrible allegations against a parent, children who have howled, screamed, run away, threatened me, hit me, spat at me, called the police, barricaded themselves into rooms and more. When the line is held and the message in the inter-psychic is given to the child that they and the parent they have been pathologically aligned to are no longer in control, the integration of the split state of mind occurs and the child experiences the recovery of the positive feelings they have split off about the rejected parent. From there the work to be done is the restoration of balance in the child’s mind through therapeutic parenting support and testing of the capacity of the influencing parent to understand what they need to do to provide safe contact for their child.
This work isn’t easy but it is definitely getting easier as more and more social workers and Guardians understand the dynamic and what is necessary to change it for the child. Even in these circumstances however there is still a kind of terror at taking the step of making a child do what they are vehemently saying they will not do. Keeping the knowledge of all of the children I have ever worked with in the forefront of my mind allows me to keep on doing it and train others to do it too, even in the face of people (and some of these people are supposedly parental alienation experts) telling me that it is wrong. It is not wrong. It is not harmful and it is supported by forty years or more of research evidence.
Making an alienated child see the parent they have rejected is not wrong, it is the only route the child can take to integration of the split state of mind. Those who proclaim that the child needs desensitisation therapy are deluded (the child is not phobic) and those who tell you that their once a week therapy in an office will help you to reunite with your child are simply trying to convince themselves that their way is the right way, it is not.
An alienated child speaks not from their authentic self but from their adapted self and they KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING when they use the adapted self to control adults around them. I know this because I ask each child I reunite with a parent whether they were aware of what they were doing when they were telling lies about a parent. Each one tells me yes, they do know what they are doing and they do know that managing (manipulating) adults including professionals to believe their story is a key part of keeping them away from the truth.
And the truth is this. An alienated child uses the infantile defence of psychological splitting because they cannot hold two realities in mind. The landscape they live in becomes too difficult and too painful to do so – not because of high conflict as many would have you believe and not because two parents are always making negative contributions but because around the child someone is dropping poison into the family system to destabilise the child’s experience and force alignment with their world view. The child is a victim of this coercive control and though many resist, some will collapse into pathological alignment due to the impossibility of resisting what is being done.
This is not a case of two parents in high conflict or both contributing to the problem, this is a child protection issue in which the child’s very sense of self is being stripped bare in order to ensure that they are in line with the distorted view of one parent. This is coercive control at its very worst and it is happening to children all over this country and indeed the world.
And when we see it we have to stop it. And when we stop it we see the infantile defence of splitting integrate and the flood of positive feelings return and the child’s capacity to receive the love of the parent they have been forced to reject returns.
That is when therapy should begin, when the child’s capacity to receive the love of both parents has returned. Therapy in these circumstances is not about persuading, exposing or using baby steps to produce minuscule changes. The alienated child is a child in danger and they need protection and the very best protection we can give them is to act fast and recover their capacity to receive love from the parent they have rejected.
I have done this work for over a decade now and I am about to prepare case histories of the 45 seriously alienated children I have worked with in order that we have these evaluated. Nick and I are writing another book, this time for practitioners in which we will explore all of the different case scenarios seen in a decade of reunification work and we are about to train 12 practitioners from around Europe to do this work in the same way. As we continue to develop EAPAP (European Association of Parental Alienation Practitioners) we are preparing a training seminar for Judges and legal practitioners which will be delivered widely to educate and inform about the kind of practice which works.
We are moving the scientific field of parental alienation on apace now, away from the environment in which any old thing goes in terms of intervention and into the space where the international research is clearly demonstrated to be translated into practice via successful case work over the past ten years.
There is no going back now. In ten years time I fully expect that parental alienation will not only be recognised early in this country it will be addressed and dealt with swiftly. And if we can cut that down to create widespread change in one, two or five years time we will do so.
There are no excuses anymore, 45 severely alienated children all reunited with a parent, all doing well over the years since reunification, most in relationship with both parents in the years after our intervention. Well over a hundred more children all living well in restored relationships with both parents via our structured interventions.
Are you unknowingly alienating your child from the other parent? Read Parental Alienation to find out.
Therapy for aged out children is in development and being tested now, social worker collaboration is high and Guardians in CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) are increasingly partnering with us to get this work done swiftly.
The detractors and the moaners, the people who tell you there are lots of different ways to do this work, the conspiracy theorists and the ones who are all out to discredit this work can stand aside. The proof as they say, is in the pudding. And the parents of 45 children are not wrong when they say that their children, once fiercely rejecting, are now doing incredibly well.
The road is built, the signposts are in place, the training is being delivered the pace is picking up, in the next five to ten years I fully expect us to have made ourselves obsolete in this world and then we can rest.
Until then, we go again. (thank you Nuno).
This article, written by Karen Woodall, is published here with her permission.
Posted by Sinta Ebersohn (Creator of fairdivorce.co.za – Cape Town, South Africa)
Here is our Give-Away for October 2018
Financial dependence / independence is probably one of our biggest concerns during divorce. Ilze Alberts, author of PASSING the TORCHhas generously donated two autographed copies of her book, one of which will be kept in our Library and the other one will be given away in a lucky draw. To enter the draw, please click the link provided below. The draw will take place at 12:00 (SAST) on Wednesday, 31 October 2018.
This Lucky Draw is Closed: Congratulations to the winner, Heidi!
When we divorce, we generally lose a large part of our accumulated wealth. In stead of allowing this set-back to handicap us permanently, the void that we are left with can become the driving force behind recovering from the loss, if we unlock our authentic vision and implement practical steps.
Wealth Psychologist, Ilze Alberts teaches us how to generate wealth and preserve it for future generations. She explains why a family’s wealth consists of much more than just the quantitative (financial) capital, but other qualitative capitals as well. This remarkable book inspires you for a lifelong, dedicated and action-driven journey to prosperity.
This Lucky Draw is Closed
Being a Master Demartini Facilitator and international speaker with more than 30 years of experience as a qualified psychologist, Ilze shows families strategies to achieve personal well-being, financial independence and strong relationships.
She is a founding member of Fair Divorce Practitioners and also offers an online course Powerful Handling of Divorce for Parents, incorporating her valuable experience with helping families through the process as well as her own successful transition through divorce and blending families.
This Lucky Draw is Closed
Posted by Sinta Ebersohn (Creator of fairdivorce.co.za, Cape Town – RSA)
Congratulations! You have reserved your place for
Rapid Rules for Special Occasions
of Divorced Families
At 10:00(SAST) on Tuesday, 23rd October, Rapid Rules for Special Occasions of Divorced Families will be available online, with answers to the questions that you post below:Please fill in the form below to submit any questions you’d like me to answer on this topic.
Posted by Sinta Ebersohn (Creator of fairdivorce.co.za – Cape Town RSA)
Our September Give-Away!
Sandra Levins, author of Was It the Chocolate Pudding?has generously donated two autographed copies of her book, one of which will be kept in our Library and the other one will be given away in a lucky draw. To enter the draw, please click the link provided below. The draw will take place at 12:00 (SAST) on Wednesday, 3 October 2018.
This moving story of a little boy who believes he is the reason for his parents’ divorce, shows young children that their behaviour has absolutely no bearing on adult things that happen between their parents. It also contains helpful guidelines to parents who find themselves in this predicament.
Award-winning author Sandra Levins, writes about important issues that affect children and families. She says she fell in love with the message behind the stories in her children’s books and the notion that they can make a positive difference in their lives. Together with her husband Jim, their diverse family from Iowa includes five sons, their partners, and five adorable grandchildren.
Illustrator Bryan Langdo has done picture books, chapter books, workbooks, character design, magazine spots, flash cards, and even a couple of mazes. When not working in his studio, he loves exploring the woods in New Jersey.
Here is our August Give-Away!
Allan Freeman-Jones, author of Parental Alienation: A Loving Father’s Lost Yearshas generously donated four autographed copies of his book, two of which will be kept in our Library and the other two will be given away in a lucky draw. To enter the draw, please click the link provided below. The draw will take place at 12:00 (SAST) on Monday, 27 August 2018.
Although Allan Freeman-Jones was present at the birth of his son, Timothy, he was no longer in a relationship with the baby’s mother. Despite having a parenting plan in place, Allan had limited contact with Timothy for three years as a result of routine contraventions thereof and false allegations which were found to be unsubstantiated. When Allan started seeing the effects of alienation on his little boy, he made a selfless decision not to subject his son to any further mental and emotional abuse, by absenting himself from Timothy’s life. While longing for the day when he can be reunited with his son, Allan is focused on raising awareness of parental alienation and helping other alienated parents and family members.
This touching recount of a father’s struggle to have a healthy relationship with his new-born son, offers a chronological order of events, diarising the first three years of a young child’s life amidst the devastation of alienation. At the same time, it documents the challenges faced in terms of co-parenting under these circumstances, the reasoning behind leaving his child’s life and the difficult process of picking up the pieces of a broken heart. It also contains legal documentation of the battle as it unfolded in the Australian courts.
It is certainly recommended reading for anyone experiencing the same hardship and wanting to find answers to the many philosophical questions arising from such.
South Africa has reciprocal enforcement agreements with several countries, so maintenance can be claimed from a person living in those countries.
Where one of the parties reside in a proclaimed country or territory under this agreement, the process of claiming maintenance between the two countries can be followed through diplomatic channels. It takes approximately 12 months for such an order to be registered in a proclaimed country.
South Africa has reciprocal enforcement agreements with the following countries:
Capital Territory – New South Wales – Northern Territory – State of Queensland
South Australia – Tasmania – State of Victoria – Western AustraliaBotswana
Alberta – British Columbia – Province of Manitoba – North West Territories – Province of Ontario
Cocoa (Keeling) Islands
Guernsey (Bailiwick of)
Isle of Jersey
Isle of Man
England – Northern Ireland – Scotland – Wales
United States of America
California – Florida
The Reciprocal Enforcement of Maintenance Orders Act, 1963 (Act 80 of 1963) and section 10 of the Maintenance Act, 1998 (Act 99 of 1998) applies.
Documentation required for this process
a) Four certified copies of the provisional court order.
b) An affidavit by the complainant or an officer of the court as to the amount of arrears due under the order.
c) The deposition affidavit or evidence of the complainant.
d) Birth certificate (s) of the child or children.
e) The marriage certificate (if applicable).
f ) A photograph and description of the defendant.
g) The exhibits referred to in the complainants deposition, affidavit or evidence duly endorsed as prescribed above.
h) Three certified copies of the documents referred to in (b) and (c) above and in the event of the High Court, four copies as
well as an additional copy of the order of court are required.
i) Physical residential and or working address of the defendant in a proclaimed country.
The Emotional & Psychological Terrorist: False Allegations in Parental Alienation
Many of the cases I work with feature allegations of harm. The allegations can range from mild to severe, from a child being chastised, to a child being involved in an organised child sexual abuse gang. A case which features allegations of harm can create anxiety in the unaware practitioner because of the way in which these are made in the cross fire of what appears to be high conflict. Being the practitioner who ventures into such cases, requires the highest levels of confidence and clarity about the role one plays and the manner in which the allegations are fed by the anxieties around the child.
One of the worst cases of such allegations came to me as a report of something a child had said had been done in a visit with a parent. This something was profoundly shocking as well as bizarre and was reminiscent of the ‘satanic panic’ cases which arise from time to time in the UK. When I heard this report, I was aware that what was happening in the case needed further investigation, as well as clarity in terms of sorting through the tangled weeds which had been spun around the family by the professionals in the case. It turned out that I was able to do that work over a period of months and through that, bring the children to a safe place. Whilst it remains that this case is one in which the most bizarre of allegations were made, it is not the only case I have worked on or continue to work with, in which allegations are made. In doing this work I learn much about how family dynamics configure to make such allegations appear possibly real. I also learn much about how the underlying and often unconscious beliefs in the professionals who work with families where such allegations are made, feed the fear which escalates the problem.
Allegations made in post divorce and separation cases are described by Blush and Ross in their work on the SET analysis ans SAID syndrome. Put simply, it is possible to consider cases where allegations made from the perspective of power dynamics, that is, to think about who gains power over the children or advantage in the case when an allegation is made. Using this approach, it is possible to begin to understand the reasons why such allegations arise at given points in cases and why, for example, allegations that harm was done in the past, were not raised in the past but instead raised retrospectively to cause concern about the capacity of a parent to care for a child post separation.
The whole issue of allegations in divorce and separation is so thorny that many professionals will not go near such cases and it is true that working in such a case can become a nightmare if one does not follow the rules. In general, where such allegations are made, a fact finding is the most important tool for the practitioner, because the practitioner cannot be judge and jury on things which are being alleged and if one tries to do that, one becomes inveigled into the story as someone who is either a) seeing more clearly than anyone else in the case or b) brainwashed by the alleged abuser. Therefore, entry into such cases is made more possible and practical by a legal team who seek fact finding on such matters at the earliest opportunity. For when a fact finding has been held, the practitioner simply holds that as the bar beyond which no further rumination or speculation is allowed. Anyone unable to conform to that requirement is regarded as needing further investigation because one of the problems that personality disordered people may have, is the capacity to understand a boundary.
Allegations which stop contact are frequently made and there is a pattern of behaviours which are seen when this occurs. The stepped approach to this is usually –
A parent is unhappy with the children seeing a parent
This creates anxiety and efforts to prevent contact
Reports come back from children which appear to confirm the anxiety in the parent
The parent consults with children’s services who advise that contact is stopped or
The parent consults with domestic violence workers who confirm that the things fit a pattern of ongoing domestic violence and advise that contact is stopped
Contact is stopped and the parent who stops it has the backing of outside services
The child’s behaviours settle down (because the child is no longer responding to the anxiety signals in the parent they live with)
Too many cases which have followed the steps above end up being dragged out in court for years and years and years. Whilst the alleging parent is expressing a sense of relief and safety, the parent who has been targeted by allegations goes through a terrifying round of psychological responses. Some parents whose children have made allegations against them, in cases I have worked in, have been on bail for years without even knowing what the allegations were that were made against them. As the legal process grinds slowly on, the mental and psychological and emotional health of the targeted parent is slowly stripped down to the bare bones of functioning. This is emotional and psychological terrorism at its very worst. It is coercive control which is state sanctioned and actioned and it kills target parents routinely around the world.
Holding a gun to the head of a loving parent through the making of allegations which have no basis in truth and which eventually are demonstrated in such cases to be both without foundation and maliciously made, should be punished with imprisonment in my view. And yet they are not. Every day around the UK and, it seems, the world, children’s relationships with the parent they love are erased by the use of allegations which have no basis in reality. This is aided and abetted by the state and the manner in which the post divorce and separation landscape is populated by women’s rights workers who are either convinced that every father is a murdering child abuser or that all women everywhere should always be believed (apart from those women whose children reject them, in which case it is the children who should be believed without question).
This splitting in thinking about what is frankly, the most psychologically terrifying environment to live in, serves no purpose other than to enable the use of emotional and psychological terrorism. It is akin to pumping parents full of cortisol, arming them with an AK47 and sending them off across a land mine filled landscape to find shelter. The question in my mind, when I am confronted by yet another round of proclamations by Women’s Aid or Refuge about the dangers of fathering post separation, (an attitude which in reality, affects mothers whose children reject them in exactly the same way), is not, how do such allegations happen, but why do they not happen more often?
In the analysis of cases where allegations are made it becomes possible to see how the fragilities in the mind of the parent who makes such allegations, are met and fed by the unconscious beliefs of the people they turn to for help. Time and again I have worked with parents (usually mothers) whose own childhoods were peppered with abuse which is unresolved. There is a high number of mothers in the group of parents who make allegations which turn out to be unfounded, whose own family turns out to be an unsafe place. Thus it seems that allegations made in this way are likely the projection of unresolved issues in the family of origin. More research is being undertaken right now in this issue at the Family Separation Clinic, because it is a repetitive feature of our work.
Emotional and psychological terrorism of parents is a horrendous way to strip a child of the right to a relationship with a loved one but it is happening all of the time in the most myriad of ways. From the intimation of an allegation which leaves a parent discomforted (she came home and needed to use the toilet a lot) to the outright false allegation which is seen in the satanic ritual abuse case – he kills and eats babies and anally rapes us…..all such allegations require rapid investigation and then a practitioner intervention which works to hold the boundary which prevents such things from escalating. Because when the allegations escalate they do so swiftly and they engulf anyone and everyone who stands in the way of them, family members, friends, teachers, the local cafe owner and in the case referred to above, the staff of the local McDonalds.
Why do they escalate as they do? All to do with the inter and intra-psychic world of children, whose lives are lived symbolically and metaphorically and the manner in which our divorce and separation family services are populated by people with unresolved personal issues and very little training in psychological care of families.
This article, written by Karen Woodall, originally appeared on karenwoodall.blog and is published here with her permission.
Posted by Sinta Ebersohn (Creator of fairdivorce.co.za – Cape Town RSA)
I recently had a wonderful chat with Benito Vergotine, on The Honest Truth, on SmileFM Radio, about Mother’s Day. We discussed practical tips for divorced fathers to help their children celebrate their mother as well as ways for a divorced mother to teach her children how to celebrate such a special occasion without the help of a spouse.
Thank you Benito, for the opportunity to help families who are going through the life changes of divorce!
Here is our June Give-Away!
Herve G-Wery, author of WE LOVE YOU No Matter Whathas generously donated two autographed copies of his book, one of which will be kept in our Library and the other will be given away in a lucky draw. To enter the draw, please click the link provided below. The draw will take place at 12:00 (SAST) on Friday, 8 June 2018.
Herve G-Wery‘s divorce was a catalyst for this project, as he aims to help families, particularly children, cope with separation. For most people this means the end of love, but for Herve it didn’t end with his divorce, because the love he and his ex-wife shared for their daughter was stronger. Herve crafted a special book to tell his daughter about their separation. In her book she discovered her parents story, her story – a love story.
Organised like a photo album, it guides a child through the family story of where the parents come from, events such as how they met, the wedding, the decision to separate and the future beyond that. There is also a Declaration of Commitment for parents to sign at the end of the book.