I miss the way you smiled at me. Oh, how smiles can be fake. I miss the way you touched me. Oh, how your touch will repulse me. I miss your sense of adventurousness. Oh, how you will disrespect my boundaries. I miss your mysteriousness. Oh, how I will confound it with rigidity. I miss your encouraging words. Oh, how they will cut me like a knife. I miss how you were always there. Oh, how you will disappear into thin air. I thought I will miss having you near me. Oh, how one day you will be far from my heart.
I realized that I feel slighted easily by people: colleagues, classmates, friends, family and partners. Worse yet, I often hold a grudge. I may never act on the grudge but it festers. I have a phenomenal memory, when it comes to situations in which others have hurt me. Yet, compliments and positive moments I’ve shared with others, often slip my mind. I want to let go of the toxicity and gain control of my feelings.
When men are unkind to me, all the times they hurt me comes to the forefront of my mind. I not only become angry about one situation but the accumulation of all the prior times where I was hurt. I feel so bad that there is not much that can get me out of that tornado of negativity. I feel trapped in my anger. I may keep these memories at the back of my mind but they remain close to my heart.
I don’t blame myself for things that I’ve been through with men. But I do take ownership in how I interpret situations and how I let them effect me. It’s difficult for me to try and let go without apologies and closure. It’s difficult for me not to let my emotions take over me and get angry times three at these men for hurting me. Although, my best revenge is to be happy and positive. Forgiveness is a gift I want to give to myself. I deserve it.