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I miss the way you smiled at me.
Oh, how smiles can be fake.
I miss the way you touched me.
Oh, how your touch will repulse me.
I miss your sense of adventurousness.
Oh, how you will disrespect my boundaries.
I miss your mysteriousness.
Oh, how I will confound it with rigidity.
I miss your encouraging words.
Oh, how they will cut me like a knife.
I miss how you were always there.
Oh, how you will disappear into thin air.
I thought I will miss having you near me.
Oh, how one day you will be far from my heart.
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Livin’ in confusion.
My dreams a mere illusion.
Dilemmas I face.
Tryin’ to go at my pace.
But life feels like a race.
Decisions I must make.
Risks I must take.
I try to be diligent.
No room for relinquishment.

Don’t wanna make a habit of the pain.
Must get rid of the stress and the strain.
Can’t deal with boys’ immaturity.
And their hearts’ rigidity.
Yet, their negativity
Ain’t goin’ to affect me.
They might cut me once,
Twice but not thrice.
That time in my life is gone.
I am strong. I move on.

Don’t tell me to stay optimistic,
When my emotions are goin’ ballistic.
What I need is direction.
But all I’m feeling is abjection.
All I ask for is peace at heart.
Better experiences, a fresh start.
I ask for clarity, stability and prosperity.
And for my heart, mind and soul to be in unity.
My dreams of success and love a reality.





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The tears I cry over you are temporary.
In the morning, my pillowcase will be dry.
Tears of pain that I know all too well.
I’ve been disappointed many times.
That won’t stop me from believing in others.
It only takes one person who is right for me.
Who will love me and care.

You think I’m too emotional.
I think you’re too toxic.
You think I’m too negative.
I think you’re too insensitive.
Now I know how little I matter to you.
Now I know that it’s time to move on.
Your loss will be for you to regret.
You said what you said.
You did what you did.
You are who you are.
I can do better.

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I realized that I feel slighted easily by people: colleagues, classmates, friends, family and partners. Worse yet, I often hold a grudge. I may never act on the grudge but it festers. I have a phenomenal memory, when it comes to situations in which others have hurt me. Yet, compliments and positive moments I’ve shared with others, often slip my mind. I want to let go of the toxicity and gain control of my feelings.

When men are unkind to me, all the times they hurt me comes to the forefront of my mind. I not only become angry about one situation but the accumulation of all the prior times where I was hurt. I feel so bad that there is not much that can get me out of that tornado of negativity. I feel trapped in my anger. I may keep these memories at the back of my mind but they remain close to my heart. 

I don’t blame myself for things that I’ve been through with men. But I do take ownership in how I interpret situations and how I let them effect me. It’s difficult for me to try and let go without apologies and closure. It’s difficult for me not to let my emotions take over me and get angry times three at these men for hurting me. Although, my best revenge is to be happy and positive. Forgiveness is a gift I want to give to myself. I deserve it.


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“Life is short”, they say.
“So live it up each and every day”.
Life is short in numbers but not in time.
Life outside the box is seen as a crime.
Time is portrayed as the enemy.
It’s all about finishing school and finding love already.

We look around us for inspiration.
We look at others with admiration.
We feel like we’re behind in everything.
We want to find love already- we’re aging.
We look at others with the perfect career.
Time only advances and we feel nowhere near.
We believe we better get there fast.
Because we don’t want to finish last.

Thing is, success comes in many different forms.
We each have our unique strengths; there are no norms.
We each have our own timeline.
Sooner or later, we’ll shine.
Success is going at our own pace.
We must not race.



















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I have been told by men to live in the moment.
To do so seems almost impossible to me because of my future-oriented mindset.
Yet, (almost) every person that comes into our life, has a lesson to teach us.
So I wonder, what is the lesson to be learned here?
Will living in the moment bring me greater happiness?
My heart is heavy with the pain of my past and my lungs are filled with toxins.
I try to reduce the swarm of thoughts and emotions and just focus on the now.
Yet, it’s difficult to practice mindfulness, when my mind is always on auto-pilot.

I can’t seem to keep my mind from running a million miles an hour.
Thinking about the future gives me comfort.
It helps me manage my anxiety, through preparation.
It helps me escape my uncertainties of the present.
And gives me hope that I can mold my future.
I fantasize about a future that makes up for my past.
But my fantasies take me away from real life moments.
My fantasies are momentarily pleasant but sometimes turn into expectations.
Expectations sometimes lead to disappointment.
And disappointment to unhappiness.

I don’t know what my future holds.
When will I get married? When will I have children? Will I have a satisfying job? Will I live a good life?
I obsess about it but I don’t want to.
I don’t want to live as if there’s no tomorrow because if I do I will have nothing left.
I don’t want to live as if only tomorrow exists because if I do I will never actually get to live.
I just hope to find some moments where the future doesn’t exist so I can experience life’s beauties.
My future will be brighter, if I make the best of the present.
Yet, my present will not be brighter, if I only live for the future.
I regret always allowing my guilt to pull me away from present moments. 
I regret living life, without really thinking and really feeling.
Or, thinking too much and feeling too much.
I just want to be mindful, grateful and happy.











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If I could say something to my 13 year old self, what would it be?
Don’t let bullies get to you. One day you’ll have friends who love you.
If I could say something to my 15 year old self, what would it be?
Be yourself and don’t allow others to make you feel bad about it.
If I could say something to my 17 year old self, what would it be?
Don’t feel pressured deciding what you want to do with your life.
If I could say something to my 20 year old self, what would it be?
Take care of yourself...it feels good. 
If I could say something to my 23 year old self, what would it be?
Live up to your own standards and stop competing with others.
What would I like to say to my now 25 year old self?
Stop obsessing about meeting your soulmate. It will happen, when the time is right.

I don’t want to spend my singlehood worried.
Worried about ending up alone.
So much of my energy has been wasted.
Wasted on comparing myself to other young people who have found their soulmate and wondering when my time will come. 
While I’m single, I might as well take advantage.
Advantage of the time I have to explore what I want to do with my life, gain experience and work on myself. I want to stop wasting my time being an unhappy and self-pitying single. It’s not my time and I refuse to continue in my self-destructive single ways.

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Love is work.
A work of art.
Love is growth.
Growth requires nurture.
Love is strong.
Strong enough to overcome.

Love is knowing to let go.
Let go of our trust issues.
Love is mindfulness.
Mindfulness of our experiences.
Love is maximizing the little moments.
Moments that create a greater story.
Love is forgiveness.
Forgiveness of the other for not being perfect.

Love is completeness.
Completeness of the mind, body and soul.
Love is joy.
Pure rare joy.
Love takes time.
But is timeless.



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I’m tired of living life in a state of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of making mistakes and fear of being hurt. Most of all, the fear of never finding anybody to love me. 

I try to put my fears aside and be open to experiences with men. I try to stay present but my anxiety that stems from past experiences pulls me into a dark place. When I look into a man’s eyes, I wonder if he’ll treat me well, validate my emotions and be different than the men of my past.

I’m in a tug of war between my heart on one end and my body and brain on the other. My heart tells me to enjoy getting to know every new man in my life, while my body rejects him and my brain takes me to dark moments in my past. 

I want to follow my heart, when it comes to love and stop living in fear. I want to find excitement in the unknown, meaning in my mistakes and strength in my pain. I’m on the right track but the road is long. Hopefully, the road will lead me into the arms of a great man, who’ll make it worth it.


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With every man I meet, many questions flood my head. Will this man be different from the men in my past? Will he respect me, appreciate me and treat me with kindness? Can I let my guards down around him, or, will he take advantage of my kind heart? Should I act tough around him so he knows he can’t mess with me? Can I flirt with him a bit, or will he only think about sex? Should I be my open genuine self with him from the get go? Or will he judge me? I really want to start fresh with every man I meet but I also want to use the lessons from my past experiences to make better choices with men.

I don’t want to project my past experiences with the men of my past unto each new man I meet. I don’t want to worry about how everything I say and do can be used against me. I want to feel free to live in the present with every new experience. I want to continue being myself and not worry about how every man I give a chance to will treat me. Most of all, I want to let go of the hurt I carry from the men of my past. Holding on to all the frustrations and disappointments of my past is exhausting. I want to give men a fair chance and not assume that they’ll be like the men of my past. Yet, I also want to be careful to stay away from men who will hurt me. Finding a balance between the two is a challenge.




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