I miss the way you smiled at me. Oh, how smiles can be fake. I miss the way you touched me. Oh, how your touch will repulse me. I miss your sense of adventurousness. Oh, how you will disrespect my boundaries. I miss your mysteriousness. Oh, how I will confound it with rigidity. I miss your encouraging words. Oh, how they will cut me like a knife. I miss how you were always there. Oh, how you will disappear into thin air. I thought I will miss having you near me. Oh, how one day you will be far from my heart.
I realized that I feel slighted easily by people: colleagues, classmates, friends, family and partners. Worse yet, I often hold a grudge. I may never act on the grudge but it festers. I have a phenomenal memory, when it comes to situations in which others have hurt me. Yet, compliments and positive moments I’ve shared with others, often slip my mind. I want to let go of the toxicity and gain control of my feelings.
When men are unkind to me, all the times they hurt me comes to the forefront of my mind. I not only become angry about one situation but the accumulation of all the prior times where I was hurt. I feel so bad that there is not much that can get me out of that tornado of negativity. I feel trapped in my anger. I may keep these memories at the back of my mind but they remain close to my heart.
I don’t blame myself for things that I’ve been through with men. But I do take ownership in how I interpret situations and how I let them effect me. It’s difficult for me to try and let go without apologies and closure. It’s difficult for me not to let my emotions take over me and get angry times three at these men for hurting me. Although, my best revenge is to be happy and positive. Forgiveness is a gift I want to give to myself. I deserve it.
If I could say something to my 13 year old self, what would it be?
Don’t let bullies get to you. One day you’ll have friends who love you.
If I could say something to my 15 year old self, what would it be?
Be yourself and don’t allow others to make you feel bad about it.
If I could say something to my 17 year old self, what would it be?
Don’t feel pressured deciding what you want to do with your life.
If I could say something to my 20 year old self, what would it be?
Take care of yourself...it feels good.
If I could say something to my 23 year old self, what would it be?
Live up to your own standards and stop competing with others.
What would I like to say to my now 25 year old self?
Stop obsessing about meeting your soulmate. It will happen, when the time is right.
I don’t want to spend my singlehood worried.
Worried about ending up alone.
So much of my energy has been wasted.
Wasted on comparing myself to other young people who have found their soulmate and wondering when my time will come.
While I’m single, I might as well take advantage.
Advantage of the time I have to explore what I want to do with my life, gain experience and work on myself. I want to stop wasting my time being an unhappy and self-pitying single. It’s not my time and I refuse to continue in my self-destructive single ways.
I’m tired of living life in a state of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of making mistakes and fear of being hurt. Most of all, the fear of never finding anybody to love me.
I try to put my fears aside and be open to experiences with men. I try to stay present but my anxiety that stems from past experiences pulls me into a dark place. When I look into a man’s eyes, I wonder if he’ll treat me well, validate my emotions and be different than the men of my past.
I’m in a tug of war between my heart on one end and my body and brain on the other. My heart tells me to enjoy getting to know every new man in my life, while my body rejects him and my brain takes me to dark moments in my past.
I want to follow my heart, when it comes to love and stop living in fear. I want to find excitement in the unknown, meaning in my mistakes and strength in my pain. I’m on the right track but the road is long. Hopefully, the road will lead me into the arms of a great man, who’ll make it worth it.
With every man I meet, many questions flood my head. Will this man be different from the men in my past? Will he respect me, appreciate me and treat me with kindness? Can I let my guards down around him, or, will he take advantage of my kind heart? Should I act tough around him so he knows he can’t mess with me? Can I flirt with him a bit, or will he only think about sex? Should I be my open genuine self with him from the get go? Or will he judge me? I really want to start fresh with every man I meet but I also want to use the lessons from my past experiences to make better choices with men.
I don’t want to project my past experiences with the men of my past unto each new man I meet. I don’t want to worry about how everything I say and do can be used against me. I want to feel free to live in the present with every new experience. I want to continue being myself and not worry about how every man I give a chance to will treat me. Most of all, I want to let go of the hurt I carry from the men of my past. Holding on to all the frustrations and disappointments of my past is exhausting. I want to give men a fair chance and not assume that they’ll be like the men of my past. Yet, I also want to be careful to stay away from men who will hurt me. Finding a balance between the two is a challenge.
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