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Like many of you — not BitterGayMark though who, apparently, doesn’t believe in love and romance and fairytales — I watched and loved the Royal Wedding this weekend. I didn’t watch it live, but waited until that night after the kids went to sleep and I could get lost in the spectacle (and love and romance and fairytale) of it all, without interruption. And then I promptly spent an hour or two Googling Meghan Markle, who I had thus far managed to avoid learning anything about except that she was on some TV show.

Anyway, I found an interview that I think Meghan and Harry gave shortly after they announced their wedding that a lot of you have probably seen where they talk about how they were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend and Meghan just had one question for her friend before the set-up: “Is he nice? Because if he wasn’t kind I didn’t really see there was any point.” And I thought that was so sweet! It reminded me of when Drew and I were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend (we are SO similar to the duke and duchess of Sussex!) and I wanted to know if he was funny because if he wasn’t, I didn’t think we’d be a good match. To this day, Drew’s sense of humor remains one of my favorite things about him. I also like his generosity, loyalty, and sense of responsibility. Also, he’s nice.

What traits are most important to you in a significant other? If you were being set up on a blind date and could only ask one question about your date, what would it be?

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I’m a woman in my early thirties, married and gainfully employed with no kids. From the outside, I mostly seem to have it together — I’m a valued employee at my 9-5 job, was an excellent student in college/grad school, and manage to hold down a rigorous work-out schedule while working on a novel in my free time — but I actually feel like I’m a hot mess. For example, I’m not very punctual (okay, I admit I’m always running 5-10 minutes late for everything). I have dented two cars, have lost my car keys, and, as of last year, have broken my cell phone. I feel like I’m always losing or forgetting things. I’m constantly dropping and spilling things — as a kid, my mother used to call me “Pig-Pen” after the Peanuts character because I would make messes everywhere I went.

My very patient husband is not like me at all. He’s neat and punctual, and he doesn’t lose things. He’s one of those people who doesn’t even keep a case on his phone because he knows he will never, ever scratch or damage it. I feel terribly guilty when my dumb mistakes cost us time and money. My husband is usually very kind about it and takes my mistakes in stride, but sometimes I can tell he’s frustrated and irritated with me. And rightfully so — I realize he feels like he’s always cleaning up my messes, and, besides, car damage can be expensive to repair!

It probably won’t surprise you that this is a pattern that goes back to my childhood. I was the youngest/messiest/most-absentminded child in my family. I’ve always been the one that needed cleaning up after. I would love to do better/be better, but I don’t know how. I’ve tried telling myself, “From now on, I’m going to pay more attention to what I’m doing, stop being so absentminded, and start being more careful,” but this just hasn’t worked.

Do you have any advice on how I can stop being such a hot mess and start being/feeling more like a competent adult who has her life together? — Hot Mess

I’m not sure that you can change who you are at this point in your life or change a pattern that dates back to childhood. But you can certainly reframe the way you see your behavior, you can employ some strategies to help you be more mindful, and you can open communication with your husband and give him an opportunity to express his frustration or alleviate your concerns that he’s upset with your behavior.

First, are you filling your day solely with activities that you are either obligated to do or that support your emotional and physical well-being? For example, you are obligated to do your 9-5 job because you need to keep the job to pay your bills. But you are not obligated to keep a rigorous work-out schedule or write a novel in your free time. Do those activities bring your joy and make you feel good? If not, perhaps it’s time to think about dropping them or adjusting your time investment in them. You could replace some of the time you spend working out with meditating (practicing mindfulness) instead, making lists to help you remember stuff, or doing things that will help you run more efficiently throughout the day (like packing your bag or purse in the morning or the night before with everything you’ll need during the day). You could set some alarms on your phone to alert you when it’s time to do things that will help you feel more calm, like take five minutes to sit with your eyes closed and breathe deeply or leave for work ten minutes earlier.

But let’s be honest, there’s only so much effect these little changes are going to have, overall. There’s a good chance you will always be someone who runs late, makes messes, and loses stuff. If you’re concerned that your husband is frustrated or that your behavior is costing you money, be proactive and talk to your husband about this. Tell him: “You know I have always been absentminded, and lately I am feeling that this is frustrating you and I feel bad about that. I want to change my behavior, but I don’t know if it’s possible. I think this may just be who I am. I feel especially bad when my absentmindedness costs us money, and I’m wondering if you have any ideas for how I can make it up to you.”

Maybe he will assure you that he is NOT frustrated. Maybe he will have some concrete ways you make things up to him. Maybe — hopefully — he will remind you that no one is perfect, and if losing keys and making messes and running late are your worst traits, well, that’s a whole lot better than being cruel or narcissistic or lazy or unfunny. And if he won’t tell you this, then I will: There are far worse personality and behavior traits and habits to have than the ones you feel so bad about. And clearly, the traits are not deal-breakers for your husband or he wouldn’t have married you. Spouses are going to be a little annoyed and frustrated by each other sometimes. The key to not letting resentment build up is to express gratitude for the things you appreciate about your spouse (like being understanding of your limitations) and express acknowledgment of the things about yourself that you know can be challenging to live with sometimes. Doing this really does create a culture of appreciation and understanding, and it goes a long way to lightening the burden one might feel in not being perfect all the time.

P.S. You sound way more like a “Cathy” than a “Pigpen.”

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

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Our friend is visiting from LA for a few days and stayed at our place last night, so we had some mutual friends over to hang and I made this cheese board, which got good reviews. I love making cheese boards. And arranging flowers. I wish I had more opportunities to practice, and more opportunities to get old friends together, but I’m glad I had the chance for all of the above yesterday. Now it’s a rainy, chilly Saturday and we’re having a low-key afternoon.

Ironically, despite waking by 6 am nearly every weekend morning for almost seven years, I slept in ’til almost 8 today and missed the entire royal wedding. I’m catching some clips and commentary now. I love all the fascinators! And Amal’s hair! And the gospel choir singing “Stand By Me,” and everything about Meghan Markle, who is one of the prettiest women ever, isn’t she?

Anyway, enjoy your weekend however you’re spending it!

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Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

These Are the Most Common Lies People Tell on Dating Apps

Monica Lewinsky was disinvited to a philanthropist summit because Bill Clinton decided to attend the event — a snub she says happens all the time and that sshe is finally outing in the era of #metoo.

How to Survive Your 40s (I find that tequila and a good mattress are helpful.)

The Rise of Older Mothers: Everyone is having fewer babies in the U.S.—except women in their 40s

In his 2007 book Love and Sex With Robots, David Levy predicted that by 2050, humans will have intimate relationships with robots. Not just sex — love, friendship, marriage, all of it. A futurologist named Ian Pearson (who boasts that his predictions are accurate 85 percent of the time) has gone even further and suggested that by 2050 humans will have more sex with robots than with other people. Based on trends in the $15 billion sex-toy industry — like VR porn and the rise of teledildonics, or remotely controlled vibrators — Pearson believes that by 2025, women will prefer robots to men.

Are We Ready for Robot Sex? What you learn about human desire when you get intimate with a piece of talking silicone

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and, if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

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A week before Easter, I met this woman at a bar and asked for her number. She preferred I give her mine, which I did. She didn’t say goodbye when she left the bar with her girlfriend. I think she glanced back at me and that was it. To my surprise, she texted me 19 days later. Her reason for waiting so long was that she was busy because of Easter, which seems like a lame excuse to me. How busy was she? She’s not working at the moment and she’s too busy to contact someone for 19 days? And how busy can Easter be? Too busy to send a text to say hi?

We’ve talked on the phone and texted each other. I’ve called her four times and she hasn’t called me at all although she replies with texts. We’ve talked on the phone for an hour or so twice. She suggested we meet up for a coffee on a particular day, but I said I was too busy. I wasn’t really. Why should this woman get her way after taking so long to contact me? Lol.

I asked her by text what sort of man she was looking for, and then she asked me what kind of woman I was looking for, to which I replied, “someone easy-going, independent, and I don’t mean this as suggestive but someone sexy who’s a good kisser.” She replied, “Too much information. Lol.”

Later on she revealed that my text came across as sleazy. I explained to her that my comments were just tongue-in-cheek, and she said, “It’s all good.”

I also asked whether she was petite (because she was sitting down for most of the night when I met her). She said that’s something you never ask a woman but, “It’s all good.”

Is she being oversensitive?

On another occasion, I sent her a text saying, “Because you took 19 days to contact me, that is not a strong sign of interest; otherwise, you would have contacted me within three to four days. Thoughts? Lol.” She came back with: “To be honest, I didn’t really know you to be able to ascertain if I had any interest. That’s the whole purpose of getting to know each other — to see if there is that connection there. You can’t really tell after one meeting.” I left it at that and asked her something else.

I never went out with her and I’ve had to apologize to her because of my comments. But she’s cool. She never got angry or anything. My comments were never intended to make her feel bad. I’m not even sure I said anything bad. Did I? Now she’s telling me we have differing views and she thinks I may be better suited to her friend. What? I stand by what I said. If she had given me her number, I would have contacted her within three days. Maybe there was a little resentment on my part that she took so long to contact me.

What’s your take on this? And is there any chance I can get her interested again (if there was any strong interest in the first place)? I’ve also seen her on Tinder. — Three Days or Else

My take on this is that you sound immature, entitled, and self-sabotaging. This woman whom you gave your number to was not obligated to text or call you at all, let alone within some arbitrary number of days that you decided meant something. That the woman hasn’t blocked your number, and is actually suggesting that you might be well-suited (or at least better-suited) for a friend of hers suggests that you haven’t completely blown it, but you need to know that your behavior thus far has not done you any favors.

You put expectations on this woman to reach out to you in a specific time-frame, and when she didn’t, you got resentful — even though she actually did text you! Rather than feel flattered that she reached out and showed at least a hint of interest in learning more about you, you decided that her waiting 19 days to send a text meant she wasn’t interested at all. And then you analyzed her excuse for waiting that long, when it had nothing to do with you and was none of your business. Who cares if she gave a lame excuse?! She didn’t owe you details. She didn’t even owe you the truth. There are all kinds of potential reasons she waited as long as she did to text you, and lots of reasons she finally did, and almost none of them have a thing to do with you. Quit taking these things so personally!

It was really juvenile to turn down her invitation for coffee because you didn’t like that she waited as long as she did to text you. I mean, that’s like teenager behavior, and I don’t think you are a teenager because you met in a bar that I have to assume you are of legal age to be in. So quit acting like a teenager! If you’re lucky enough to be asked out by a woman you have some interest in and you’re available, say yes, for God’s sake! “Why should this woman get her way after taking so long to contact me?” Are you serious with this shit? Why should SHE get HER way?! Weren’t you the one who initially asked her for her phone number? And then the woman actually asks you out and you think saying yes is some sacrifice for her benefit?! What’s wrong with you?

And then you told her that you’re looking for a woman who’s sexy and a good kisser, but you didn’t mean to be “suggestive”? Well, what DID you mean if not to be suggestive? Of course you were being suggestive. You were suggesting that the two of you kiss so you could judge her skills and decide whether or not she met your criteria. And it’s risky to suggest something like that, even implicitly, to someone you have not even gone out with yet. Sure, some women may not be bothered by it, but many would. A comment like that is way more symbolic than a 19-day waiting period before texting someone. A comment like that symbolizes a disregard for, or ignorance of, the discomfort many women feel when men — especially men they barely know — prioritize a physical connection. It symbolizes prioritizing a woman’s ability to arouse sexual pleasure. To focus on something like — to make a point of even mentioning it to a woman you’ve only met in person briefly is… well, kind of sleazy. And then to follow it up with an inquiry about the woman’s size? Asking if she’s “petite”? Are you kidding me? Come on, decent men don’t do that. The focus on the physical is off-putting, and when a comment like that is made in conjunction with the kissing comment, and a snarky remark about how long it took her to text you (with the exact number of days, which is obsessive and weird), you come across as a creep, and frankly, I’m surprised she’s still talking to you and even suggesting you might be well-suited for a friend of hers.

If you really want to try again with this woman, you need to acknowledge that you understand how your poorly-chosen comments made her feel uncomfortable, express genuine regret about giving a less-than-flattering impression of yourself, tell her that you’ve enjoyed the conversations you’ve had and would be really grateful to have the opportunity to meet up in person to show her that you are a bigger gentleman than you’ve come across over texts, but that if she chooses not to take you up on that, you understand and wish her all the best. AND THEN DROP IT. Who knows, maybe she’ll take another 19 days to think it over, but regardless what her answer is (or how long she takes to give it), closing with class will cast you in better light, and that’s always a good thing (particularly if she really does have a friend you might be well-suited for!).

What do you do when you go a vacation with a man and it wasn’t exciting or romantic? My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly six months and then we went to Hawaii for a week and the experience was average. It was like we were a couple who had been together for 25 years. I must admit, I saw him in a different light. He seemed less attractive to me. Is it because it was a first vacation away with a man? I have no idea.

The six months together prior to Hawaii were good, but we only saw each other twice a week because we both work long hours. Some of my friends told me that we should have gone on a weekend away first. Some of them have said to avoid going on a beach holiday. (I’m assuming they mean to go on a city holiday?) Are we a match? — Paradise Lost

 
Probably starting out with a shorter trip with less pressure and fewer expectations for ROMANCE! would have been wise, especially since your six months together have been a slow burn. I don’t understand the suggestion to avoid a beach holiday, unless there are some reasons specific to you (like you don’t like sand, or you feel uncomfortable in a swimsuit, or you’re allergic to the sun or something), but in general, I think vacations with high expectations and/or high pressure (like, say, meeting the family) can fast-track a relationship to whatever next step would have organically come otherwise for the couple. That doesn’t necessarily mean that a vacation that didn’t go well spells doom or symbolizes that you aren’t well-matched, but if you aren’t able to laugh about some of the awkwardness, or use the opportunity to grow closer in some way, that’s not good. And, certainly, if you’re coming home from a vacation feeling less attracted to your partner, that’s even worse, and I think that is indicative of a less than ideal match, unfortunately.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

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My mom and I have always had a strained relationship throughout my life. I spent the majority of my childhood away from my parents because of their busy work schedule. I lived with my grandparents until I was 13, and my parents would visit me once a week at most and spend a few hours with me. They brought me home after eighth grade to live with them, but I never seemed to feel close enough to them. My mom is a strict disciplinarian. She was nice to me and never intentionally abused me in any form, but, to be honest, I don’t think I ever felt loved or loved my parents the way a child is supposed to. If I got a bad grade, lied to them about boys, or did something wrong, my mom would punish me by not talking to me for months. This went on repeatedly for years until I was 17 and we moved to Canada.

Fast forward to about ten years ago: My parents got a divorce because my mom felt my dad no longer loved her. At that time I was in college and living with my mom in Canada while my dad lived in our home country. I’d seen my mom having many male friends over for late night movies and such prior to their divorce. They were being overly friendly and I was angry, but I couldn’t tell my dad because I didn’t want to hurt him.

When her male friends came over, I was distant and never friendly towards them. I would say a quick “hi” and then hide in my room so I wouldn’t see them hang out. My “unfriendly” behavior upset my mom and we barely spoke until I graduated, right after which she moved out.

For the past few years, I’ve tried to patch things up by warming up to her and her boyfriend of a few years, taking her out as often as I could, and getting her gifts for special occasions. As a result, our relationship has thawed, but, still, she is not a typical mom nor a mom that I imagined I’d have – she forgets about my birthday, she wasn’t interested in attending my graduation, and she only emails or texts every few months if I don’t initiate anything.

Just when we started to have a civil, peaceful relationship, she began to consider getting back together with my dad and started emailing him multiple times, expressing her regrets over the divorce. Mind you, she is still in a committed relationship with a very good man and they’ve been living together in his house for a number of years. My mom’s boyfriend treats my mom well. I think it is wrong for my mom to lie to her boyfriend even though I would be happy if my parents could reconcile.

My dad told me he never wants to talk to my mom again if not necessary, so he never replies to my mom. My mom now asks me to send emails to my dad and asks me to help her to convince him to reconnect with her. This gives me flashbacks of what happened during my parents’ divorce – my mom forced me to email my dad on her behalf. She would literally sit next to me and press my finger to hit “send” on my laptop. I hated being manipulated like that and felt vulnerable. So this time I went to see a therapist and asked her what to do. She told me to clearly tell my mom how I feel and accept her reaction, whatever it might be. So I told my mom that I would help her send an email one last time, after which she needs to talk to him directly – and if he does not reply, she needs to respect that and accept it.

Not surprisingly, my mom was livid, and she said she was hurt and betrayed. That was in January, and she has since stopped talking to me completely. On this past Mother’s Day, I sent her a message wishing her a happy Mother’s Day, and she texted back, “Thank you.”

So my question now is: How should I move forward from here with my mom? I have thought about reaching out to her and visiting her, but I don’t know how I could start a conversation with her and how to address what has happened. And what if she is still upset about what I did? I also have a lot of resentment that I have to deal with on my end, but perhaps you would suggest I see a therapist about it? — Ready to Move Forward

I do suggest you see a therapist, which you said you’re already doing. I would not focus on how to move forward with you mother but rather on how to move on without her… or, at least, without the idea of ever having a loving and healthy relationship with her.

You say multiple times in your letter that your mother was not what you imagined a parent should be, that as a child you never felt loved like a child ought to be loved by a parent, and that the best that things have ever been between you is “civil.” Based on what you’ve shared about your mother, it would seem there’s zero chance of you and your mother ever having the loving and nurturing bond you’ve always wanted, and this is 100% your mother’s fault. While she may never have been what you would call “intentionally abusive,” she hurt you — intentionally, deeply, and repeatedly for years by withholding emotional warmth and manipulating you every opportunity she had.

It is time for you to release the grip she still has on you and move on. It’s time to accept that she will never be the mother you want — not even close — and that, is as long as she still has a foothold in your life, the door is still open for her to hurt you. Close the door. As painful as it is, cut her out. THAT is what you should work through with your therapist — not the how (simply stop reaching out to her and stop replying to any attempts she might make to contact you) and not the when (NOW!), but the what comes next for you.

What does your path look like when it no longer includes detours to your mother? What is the trajectory of your own will when it’s no longer bent to your mother’s desires and manipulations? Who are you when you are no longer a daughter longing to be loved by her mother but instead are a woman who has made peace with the cards she was dealt and accepted what will never change?

I believe the world will open to you in ways you haven’t yet imagined when you are able to re-direct the energy you’ve expended thinking about and dealing with and being resentful of your mother. That’s what you should focus on in therapy — redirecting that energy. I imagine it will be like cleaning out a room in your house that’s been used to store crap you don’t need or want but never knew what to do with. You’re going to clear out that room and suddenly feel overwhelmed by how much space there is. You didn’t even realize the room was so big, or that you had been storing so much stuff you didn’t want. And now it’s gone and you can do whatever you want with this huge room! What will you do?! Take up painting and turn it into an art studio? Rent it out to a yogi friend to hold classes? Have weekly dance parties? Buy a baby grand piano and start taking lessons? The possibilities are endless! And so many of them lead to much more joy than a storage room full of junk you didn’t want ever could have brought you. But you have to let go of the idea that the junk is salvageable or worth something or that you should keep hanging on to it because you’ve invested so much time hanging on to it already.

Your relationship with your mother is not salvageable, and it isn’t your fault. After all this time of being manipulated and emotionally abused by her, you deserve the the space in your heart and your psyche that you’ve been reserving for her in hopes she might want it. There’s so much potential for that space, if you’ll let yourself clear it out.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

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No one gets married planning to get divorced one day, but it happens — to lots of us — and it’s good to know that, as horrible as divorce can be, there’s life and happiness on the other side. Below, nine women share some lessons they learned from their divorces and advice they have for those going through one.

It’s Okay to Divorce a Good Person

“I was divorced in September after a 14-year marriage and 18-year relationship. I learned that it’s not admirable to stay with someone in an unhappy marriage simply because your spouse is a good person. It’s okay to get divorced even if your spouse isn’t abusive or bad. I learned that going through a divorce shows you who your true friends are – the ones who will tell you their own divorce stories and/or offer support. Others will come out of the woodwork like rubberneckers at the scene of a car accident just to hear the gory details.

The pain and overall sense of failure can be get-wrenching at times. There were days I didn’t think I could get out of bed. I am still bitter and hurt, but every day I learn to let go of the past and look forward to the future a little bit more.” — Samantha W.

Focus on the Possibility of Better

“The ‘pre’ side of divorce is incredibly scary because you’re jumping into a black hole of unknown outcomes. It’s like you shake the Magic 8 ball and you get “Better not tell you now.” And truly, it’s better not to dwell on the hardship and loss that will be experienced during the divorce. What you should focus on, however, is the possibility of better. It won’t happen right away, it won’t happen within a few months, but at some point when you feel like you can experience joy and happiness again you’ll be able to say, “It’s going to be OK. I’M OKAY!?”

For that ‘during’ period, find yourself a good therapist, and if you need to see them twice a week to function, so be it. Have an accountability partner or friend to get you out of the house, eating, etc. I ended up living with a good friend of mine for a few months until I could be on my own.

I still have flashback moments, but instead of being debilitating, they’re such an obvious reminder that it was the right decision. If I hadn’t gone through the divorce and taken the steps to get better (therapy, learning to love and live with myself, forgiving myself, not putting so much weight into what ‘everyone will think’), I wouldn’t have the sense of satisfaction and peace I have now. I’m able to love fully, truly and experience a life better than what I imagined.” — MaterialsGirl

Protect Yourself

“No matter how much the person claims to love and adore you, when facing a divorce their true colors come out and even the nicest person can turn into a horribly mean and vindictive person. Lesson I learned? Protect yourself from day one of your decision to divorce, even if your spouse doesn’t know it yet. Leave paper trails; don’t trust your spouse’s word. Don’t assume they won’t do something to hurt you, because they very well could, and if your guard is down, that’s when they will strike.” — The Doting Wife

Lose Yourself In Books

“Even if it was amicable and you were young and had no kids, you’re going to feel all kinds of swirling emotions and probably feel unmoored. One thing that helped me was getting into a series of fictional books – Clan of The Cave Bear and the sequels – and just immersing myself in them while commuting, before bed, and during any downtime, to keep my mind occupied. This was before smartphones, but I think even in this age of smartphones it would be a lot better and healthier to lose yourself in books than in your phone if that makes sense. I also spent a lot of time with family and with friends so that I didn’t feel too lonely and isolated.” — Kate

Don’t Let Your Spouse’s Addiction Ruin You

“If your spouse has a serious problem with drugs or alcohol that you see relatively early in the marriage, don’t spend much time trying to fix it. Get out. Sure, try to get them to get help, but if it comes to job loss and other damage and they’re not doing anything but making empty promises, just leave. You’re not a bad person because you couldn’t cure their disease. Move on before it ruins you too.” — Jen

The Worst Thing Has Happened

“A year after we got married (five years together total), my husband left me one day while I was at work — literally packed up his stuff and then called me when I was on my way home to say he was leaving me, and I never saw him again. (We essentially divorced through the mail after he relocated to another state.) We’d never discussed separating, and, though things weren’t perfect, we definitely were not in a bad place.

I ran into a mutual friend a few months after my ex-husband left (when I was still in the burst-into-tears phase, which I did to this man while in the produce section), and the friend said something that at the time hurt my feelings but ended up being the best thing I heard from anyone. He said: ‘Well, the worst thing has happened.’

There are many terrible things to go through in life – death of loved ones, illness, trauma — but what I learned about divorce is that I can survive almost anything. Going through the pain of divorce makes you so much braver face the unknown.” — Elizabeth A.

Revise The Narrative of Your Life

“Just because you get divorced does’t necessarily mean you “failed at marriage” or “picked the wrong person.” Sometimes it’s because the relationship ran its course and wasn’t meant to be a forever partnership. Or it just ran out of gas. Or you changed too much as people and couldn’t relate to the new versions of each other (e.g. my uncle and his ex-wife, when she became a born-again Christian who insisted they both practice HER religion while he wanted to stay a semi-observant Jew).

There is a lot of shame from society and pressure to live up to the “til death do us part,” which is unrealistic. – People are human and they change, they make mistakes, or circumstances get in the way. No one is thinking about divorce when they get married – they WANT it to work. But sometimes shit happens and you just have to take it in stride and revise the narrative of your life.” — TheOtherOtherMe

Titles May Change, But Connections Are For Life

“I was very fortunate to have a super amicable divorce. Throughout the entire process the only thing we actually ended up at odds about was who was going to end up with our beloved Pampered Chef pizza stone. And that wasn’t even a fight. It was more of a: No you have it. No really, YOU take it. No no no no no, you bake the most, I insist. It got to the point of our actually considering a joint custody situation, which, once we realized, WAIT, ARE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT VISITATION RIGHTS WITH A PIZZA STONE?? we couldn’t stop laughing about.

But it was in that moment that I learned a really important thing: that we were going to be okay! Because even though getting divorced felt like such a big, scary thing, our sitting in our kitchen laughing about a pizza stone reminded me that, though relationship titles may change, connections are for life. And for us, redefining our relationship was what we needed to keep our connection healthy and strong. And now, ten years later, we still laugh really hard about that stone (which I got by the way, because he’s nice like that). But more importantly, we are still best friends.” — Katy

It’s No Longer Your Problem

“During my marriage I did the majority of the emotional labor and covered most of the finances (I was married to a professional student). When I left my husband, and even in the years following, people would ask me about his ability to manage on his own (paperwork, deadlines etc.), or even how he would afford child support. I learned the best four words that have continued to help me when I get into a brain loop about something he’s doing: “It’s not my problem.” — I’ve Moved On

Thoughts? Have you been through a divorce? Would you add anything to this list?

You Also Might Like:

Your Turn: “I Have a Lot of Baggage From My Divorce”

“My Boyfriend Can’t Handle My Divorce”

20 Tips for Surviving a Breakup

The post Lessons From Divorce appeared first on Dear Wendy.

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What are you all up to this weekend? We spent Friday night in and watched the newest episode of “My Next Guest Needs No Introduction” with Tina Fey, and then the newest John Mulaney Netflix special but I fell asleep because I’m 84 and can’t stay awake past ten. Now it’s Saturday morning and I’m about to go to the farmers’ market and then we have a birthday party a little later and no other plans that I am privy to for the rest of the weekend. Drew has some secret plan for tomorrow that I guess I will find out about…tomorrow.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there, including my own!

The post Weekend Open Thread appeared first on Dear Wendy.

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Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

Women Candidates Won Almost Every Democratic House Primary They Contested on Tuesday

Are You Radical Enough to Be a Relationship Anarchist?

”I’m sad that I didn’t have sex until I was 37”

In Japan, people who are short on relatives can hire a husband, a mother, a grandson. The resulting relationships can be more real than you’d expect.

Motherhood’s supposed “horror show”

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and, if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

The post Friday Links appeared first on Dear Wendy.

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