In order to attract a woman, especially if you want to be in a long-term relationship with her, you must be able to build an emotional connection with her.
And, in order for a woman to keep dating you, hook up with you, and eventually fall deeply in love with you, you also have to develop the attraction she feels for you at the same time you create a deepening emotional connection with her.
If you don’t develop both, something will be missing and everything will fall apart at some point.
And here’s the thing: Most men (people) completely misunderstand what creates a deep emotional connection with a woman and how to create it without killing attraction…
This is one of the most common questions I get from guys:
“I know that we’re supposed to focus on having fun in the beginning stages of dating…but when do we get serious? I mean, where’s the emotional connection if we just have fun all the time?”
Well, the answer completely runs against the way our society says relationships should work and that’s the main reason why so many people don’t understand it…
So, I’ll share the truth about building a deep emotional connection with a woman right now:
How to Build a DEEP CONNECTION with a Woman…
First of all, during the beginning stages of dating (the first 2-3 months/6-10 dates),
The fun you’re having with a woman is your connection with her. <==Read 3X if you love having gorgeous, awesome women crushing hard on you…
See, our society tries to tell us that romance is serious…
However, nothing could be further from the truth.
Love is light and playful…
It’s NOT serious and heavy.
So, the answer to the question of how long we should just keep having fun with a woman is:
AS LONG AS YOU’RE WITH HER!
Now, heavy, serious things will happen in life and you should be able to talk about them with her without using humor to avoid them. And, of course, you should also deal with these situations the best you can. This isn’t about making everything all rainbows and sunshine all the time or avoiding reality.
It’s just that you don’t need to add to the negatives that are already there in life or try to build your connection with a woman based on negatives.
Here’s what you should AVOID when it comes to developing an emotional bond with a woman you want to date:
Talking about serious, heavy subjects on your dates.
For example, politics, religion, the current horrible natural disaster that’s all over the news, and your feelings for her.
Instead, keep your conversations light and playful.
Because serious, heavy, negative subjects don’t make a woman more interested in you; you either break even or worse – they make her lose interest in you.
And all we’re doing during the first 2-3 months is RAISING her interest in you.
Now, of course, if a negative subject comes up or she brings it up, you can show her that you have that serious side to you and talk to her about it for a bit.
It’s a good thing to show her that you’re able to be serious when it matters even though you don’t take life or yourself too seriously in general.
Just keep things light, playful, and fun 90% of the time and you’ll do much better.
Having some kind of “deep” conversation with her.
Again, this does NOT make her feel closer to you in a way that allows her attraction to you to grow.
So, while you can build deep rapport through your conversations (see below) just remember that a deep connection with a woman should NOT be based on connecting over deep, heavy, negative things.
Sharing your insecurities, problems, traumas, etc.
There’s a reason therapists get paid good money. =)
So don’t try to be her therapist or make her yours. <==This is unhealthy…and, it can easily lower her interest in you.
Deal with your problems on your own time.
Get professional help if you need it.
Then, when you’re on a date, have as much fun as possible and don’t try to connect with a woman based on these heavy negatives.
For example, connecting with a woman based on the fact that you both suffered traumas as children does NOT develop a healthy, strong, positive, attractive emotional connection with a woman.
At best, you break even. At worst she starts feeling like your mom or your therapist. And those people can’t date you. =)
Now, here’s what you SHOULD do:
Take great care of YOURSELF…
If you’re searching for something that seems “missing” inside yourself, no woman can make you whole and complete even if she wants to.
A good woman can ADD to your life and your happiness a lot but she cannot make you happy or make you or your life complete.
So, create a life you love whether any particular woman likes you or not and then invite the women you date to share in that life instead of seeking completion from them.
That’s what allows you to build a healthy connection with a woman instead of merging into one person.
So take great care of yourself and make yourself feel good by eating things that make you feel good long-term, sleeping enough, working out, etc.
And do those things for YOURSELF, not because they also make you more attractive to women (that’s a side benefit and women are icing on the cake of life – they are not the cake).
If you want constant emotional validation, consider getting a dog.
And, develop a strong social circle of good male friends who will be there for you and help you meet your social needs.
That way, you won’t be looking for the women you date to help you meet all of your needs and wants.
Then, when you’re actually dating a woman:
Let the fun you’re having with her BE your connection with her.
Trust me, life has enough problems as it is and you’ll have plenty of time to share negatives with each other if you’re with a woman for 50 years…
So there’s no reason to do it on your third date. =)
Keep things light and fun with the women you date as much as you can.
And again, that doesn’t mean that you don’t show her that you have a serious side.
You should also:
Listen to her talk about herself and her life and share (mostly positive) things about yourself and your life.
Once you’ve established attraction by playfully teasing and challenging her, switch into rapport-building mode by asking her open-ended questions and then LISTENING to her:
“You seem like such an awesome woman…tell me, what’s one thing I wouldn’t know about you just by looking at you?”
The key is to GET HER TALKING…
Because she feels more comfortable with you and more attracted to you the more SHE talks about herself and her life with you, NOT when you talk about yourself and your life.
And that’s the deep connection we’re going for here: We want her to feel deeply connected to you.
Now, when she’s telling you about herself, you can and should share things about yourself and your life back as well.
Just try to tell interesting stories that highlight good things about you instead of listing facts, bragging about your good qualities, or sharing all the bad things about yourself and your life.
The key here is that you should be talking less than her (she should be talking 60-80% of the time).
And when you tell her about how you used to get so excited when your mom would make you macaroni and cheese dinner as a kid and she remembers/talks about the same or a similar experience, it DOES develop a healthy, strong, positive, attractive emotional connection with a woman.
And, lastly, the key to building an unbreakable bond with a woman is:
Having NEW shared experiences with her.
When you do something with a woman that neither of you have done before, it creates a positive emotional bond that’s stronger than any kind of conversation can create. <==Read one more time before you move on…
So, while I think you should take a woman out for coffee, tea, a smoothie, ONE drink, or an ice cream for all of your first dates, try to take her to do something neither of you have done for some of your dates after that.
And it doesn’t have to be expensive or crazy.
You don’t have to take her bungee jumping or skydiving for your third date…
Even if you just take her to a bar or restaurant neither of you have been to you will get some of the benefits of this.
So, find a way to do something new with her even if it’s just taking your coffees to go and hiking a new trail with her.
And not only does sharing new experiences with a woman help you build a deep, strong, positive emotional connection that makes her more interested in you, it also helps you MAINTAIN that emotional connection indefinitely.
So, if you do end up in a relationship with her for a long time, find a way to do new things with her as often as you can.
Because that’s how you build a deep connection with a woman.
I highly encourage you to go do something you’ve never done before sometime this week just to practice leading women on these kinds of adventures.
So don’t automatically think a woman’s interested in you just because she’s on a date with you…
Instead, look for consistent patterns of behavior over time:
-Does she give you her number/contact info with enthusiasm?
-Does she respond to all of your messages, usually quickly?
-Does she accept ALL of your date invitations with no excuses? And, when she can’t meet up with you on the day you ask for, does she suggest a SPECIFIC alternative date and time to meet up (“some other time” doesn’t count)?
-Does she show up for your first, second, AND third dates?
-Does she show up on time and have fun with you?
-Does she touch you at least once on each date?
-Does she kiss you/kiss you back (when you go for a kiss by the end of the second date and sometime during each date after that)?
-Does she eventually bring up the idea of being together with you after you’ve been dating her for 2-3 months/6-10 dates?
Those are the things that tell you if she’s really interested in YOU.
Everything else is meaningless and can be interpreted any way you like.
Now, there have also been a few times in my life when a woman has told me that they had feelings for me and unfortunately I wasn’t attracted to them.
So, while this cuts both ways, the biggest thing to remember when it comes to being successful with women is this:
A woman’s interest in you has absolutely NOTHING to do with your interest in her. <==Read 3X…
In other words, the fact that you like or love a woman DOES NOT make her like you, love you, like you more, or love you more.
Your interest in her and her interest in you are completely separate things…
And that’s why “telling her how you feel” doesn’t work and is not a good idea – your interest in her is irrelevant when it comes to her falling in love with you.
Also, if a woman isn’t at least a little bit interested in you for some reason when she first meets you, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to make her like you more or fall in love with you.
However, if a woman is even a tiny bit interested in you and she’s available, you definitely can make her like you more (or less) and eventually fall deeply in love with you based on your BEHAVIOR over time (not by telling her how you feel…because how you feel about her doesn’t matter when it comes to her interest in you).
And then, of course, if you choose to be in a long-term relationship with a woman, your job is to maintain her high interest from that point forward.
Your job is NOT to “make the women you’re in love with fall in love with you” because that’s a complete waste of time and energy if they aren’t interested in you to begin with. <==This is what most men do and it’s a big reason they aren’t more successful.
Remember: Women choose FIRST; then we choose.
Now, of course, if a woman’s interested in you and she figures out that you’re not interested in her at all, she’ll probably give up on you at some point or become interested in someone else…
And, we definitely don’t want to take advantage of anyone…
So it’s not a good idea to date a woman who’s interest in you is 9.5 out of 10 while your interest in her is only 5 or 6 out of 10.
That wouldn’t be good for either of you.
The ideal situation is when a woman’s interest in you is 9.5 out of 10 and your interest in her is 9.3.
What we want when we start dating a woman that we like a lot is for her interest in you to keep going up until she’s a little more into you than you are into her. <==This is the ideal situation for BOTH parties – if you already own the Attract and Keep Her system then you know this and you know exactly why…and, if not, get yourself in there with us!
And, even if your interest in her is higher than her interest in you when you first meet her, if you do everything right you can make this happen.
So just remember that how interested you are in a woman HAS NO EFFECT on her interest in you except that if you tell her all about it or show it too much she’ll actually lose any interest she may feel for you.
If you’ve ever had a woman leave you or cheat on you then you know exactly how bad it can be…
Not only can it make you depressed for months, take away your confidence, and cause emotional pain and confusion for years afterward in some cases, you can also suffer from losing your assets, losing the right to see your children if you have them, poor health, a shorter lifespan, etc…
Obviously, it’s not good.
And almost every single one of us have been there at some point…
So, is it possible for us to prevent these negative outcomes in life?
Can we actually make sure a woman never leaves us or cheats on us?
And, if we can prevent those things from happening, how do we do it?
Well, that’s basically what one of my top clients asked me recently:
Please write an article about:
How to find a woman who will never leave you for a better person or cheat on you.
First of all, thank you for the excellent question!
This one should be fun and insightful at the same time…
Secondly, here’s my response:
How to find a woman who will never leave you or cheat on you…
1. If you create a life you love (including your internal world) no matter what happens with any particular woman, including a strong, supportive social circle, that will soften the blow of any “rejection” you may experience from a woman.
Remember: You are whole and complete exactly as you are right now.
There’s nothing missing and no woman can “complete” you even if she wants to…
Every time you ask a woman out or invest any part of yourself in a relationship, you’re taking a risk…
Understanding that you’re whole and complete on your own and figuring out how to get your needs met on your own helps you minimize that risk to a tolerable level.
Here’s the (uncomfortable) truth:
Most relationships eventually end whether it’s after one conversation or 31 years of marriage.
And, more importantly for this discussion, there’s only ONE parachute available when the “plane of love” is about to crash into the side of a jagged mountain.
You can let the woman you’re with have it if you want but if you ask any guy who’s been through a nasty divorce or horrible breakup he’d tell you to hang on to it with everything you’ve got just in case…
No matter how good you feel on your wedding day (or when she becomes your girlfriend) and no matter how good you think a woman is, you never know how things will go in the future.<==Nobody thinks about this…except extremely smart, successful, attractive men.
And while it’s not very “romantic” it’s the truth.
Otherwise, you’re leaving yourself open to BIG problems later on.
2. Filter OUT the wrong women for you as quickly as possible.
Listen, there are TWO main goals when it comes to dating if you want a long-term relationship (most men only think there’s one):
Goal #1: Filter IN the right women for you.
Then, raise their interest until they fall deeply in love with you and then do what’s required to keep them in love.
Goal #2: Filter OUT the wrong women for you as quickly as possible.
The goal is not to attract every woman you’re interested in…
You also have to make sure the women you date have the qualities that will allow you to be satisfied with them over the long-term.
That’s one of the reasons why I recommend taking women on inexpensive/free dates for ALL of your first dates:
It filters OUT women who are interested in money and filters IN women who are interested in YOU.
A woman with good intentions who’s at least a little bit interested in you will happily agree to meet you for coffee or a happy hour for your first date with her…
A gold-digger, on the other hand, will run for the hills <==Yes, this is a GOOD thing no matter how good-looking she is.
Isn’t it interesting how one simple thing like that can help you protect your assets over the next 50 years?
And, even if you have a lot of money, don’t try to impress a woman with your money…
Let her figure out that you’re wealthy on her own as she gets to know you because flaunting your wealth early on as a way to try to attract a woman filters OUT the women you really want to be with and filters IN the women who are there for all the wrong reasons.
The women who are interested in YOU will think of your wealth as an awesome bonus even though they would still want to be with you if you weren’t so well off.
On the other hand, the women who are interested in your money aren’t there for you and would leave you if the money runs out, use you as long as possible, and/or take money from you in a hefty divorce settlement…
…and if that’s the case it’s far better to hire “professionals” to take care of your intimacy needs instead of getting your emotions involved while setting yourself up to give a woman HALF of your assets or more while possibly suffering through YEARS of legal battles, possibly paying her alimony every month for the rest of your life, and paying her legal bills on top of all that.
Man, I’m telling you, this stuff goes WAY deeper than you think (if you’re divorced you know what I’m talking about)…
You have to do both if you want to be happy and keep your sanity intact.
And then, when it comes to choosing a good woman, make sure you also choose a woman who is LOYAL.
Here’s the thing: There are some women who will cheat on you even if they are deeply in love with you (their interest in you is 9 out of 10 or higher).
Usually because they have deep unresolved trauma issues.
And how can you tell when you meet a disloyal woman?
Listen to her when she talks…
Most of the time, she’ll tell you.
For example, if she says on the second date, “You know, I’ve cheated on every ex I’ve had so far, but…” that’s a HUGE red flag that she’s not a loyal woman.
The hard part is to pay attention to those red flags and then stop contacting her when you see them even if you really like her and she’s extremely good looking.
Again, filter her OUT because she most likely will cheat on you too.
The only exception to this rule is if she’s done some serious personal growth work since then and she’s telling you about that as well…
Even then, make sure you protect yourself because nobody else will.
The more loyal a woman is in general, the better it is for you over the long-term.
So, start looking for signs of a woman’s loyalty when you first start dating her.
And then, with every woman you date, once you get to the point where she’s deeply in love with you and she brings up the idea of being in a committed relationship with you, ask her:
“Are you still talking to any of your exes?”
And then, if she says, “No,” you can ask her to be your girlfriend if you want.
But if she says, “Yeah…I mean we’re just friends so it’s cool…” or anything lets you know she is still in contact with an ex, then just say, “You know, I really like the way things are going right now…let’s just keep it the way it is for now.”
And then DON’T ask her to be your girlfriend/commit to her yet.
Just keep asking her out like you’ve been doing before that.
Don’t move the relationship forward yet.
They key is that you don’t want to tell her directly: “I won’t be in a committed relationship with you if you’re still communicating with other potential suitors or your exes…”
That’s much too controlling…
You want her to come to the understanding that if she wants to be in a committed relationship with you she has to stop talking to/flirting with/dating other men/her exes on her own.
And, when you do this, it also filters out disloyal women so you don’t have to worry about them cheating on you later.
Awesome, moving on:
3. Make sure the right woman for you falls and STAYS deeply in love with you.
Listen closely: A woman’s high interest in you (9 out of 10 or higher) is your ONLY “adultery insurance.” <==Read 3X…
A legal document and a gold ring doesn’t cut it.
Here’s the biggest lesson of the day: A relatively psychologically stable woman (no deep trauma issues) cannot cheat on you if her interest in you is 9 out of 10 or higher. <==Read 3X…
It’s impossible (unless you cheat on her first and she does it to get revenge on you).
Because if you do that she will NEVER leave you, she won’t think there’s anyone better out there (for her), and she won’t cheat on you unless you cheat on her and she does it out of revenge.
In fact, when a woman’s interest in you is actually 9 out of 10 or higher, she doesn’t think there are any better men out there for her even if there are lots of guys she could be with who are wealthier than you, better-looking than you, have better personalities than you, etc.
And, on the other hand, if a woman’s interest in you falls to 0 at any point (meaning there is nothing you can do to ever raise it again no matter what you do) and she hasn’t left you yet, she might hook up with someone else but that does not make her a disloyal woman in general.
It just means she’s not interested in you at all (anymore) even if she’s still “with you.”
That may sound strange to you as a man but in reality a lot of women (even good ones) start looking for your replacement and build up a lot of resentment before they actually leave you even though they lost their last morsel of interest in you months (or years) ago.
In those cases, the man usually thinks that the breakup happened suddenly, that her feelings changed overnight, and that she’s a horrible woman.
However, what really happened (if she’s a good woman) is that his behavior lowered her interest all the way down to 0 a long time ago and she just didn’t leave him yet for one reason or another.
And that’s why we focus so much on female interest around here:
How interested a woman is in you is the number one most important factor when it comes to having a good romantic relationship with her.
Everything else comes in second.
So protect yourself and make sure you date women who are interested in you.
And then make sure you keep them interested in you as long as you’re with them.
Because you DESERVE to be with a woman who’s with you for the right reasons and because that’s the only way to make 100% sure you never experience the extreme pain and confusion that comes when a woman breaks up with you, cheats on you, or divorces you.
Did you know that the “Golden Rule” can actually be one of the most damaging ideas in the world when it comes to dating and relationships?
We’ll get to that in just a second…
First, let’s take a look at what the Golden Rule is and see if we can break it down.
Basically, most people interpret the “Golden Rule” this way:
Treat other people the way YOU want to be treated…
(Other “official” versions use archaic English phrases like “Do onto others…” etc. For our purposes, we’ll use the general idea behind the phrase).
Now, that sounds like a good idea right?
Treating other people the way you want to be treated really seems like a way to be more loving and civil…
It seems like an ideal we should aspire to.
So, what’s wrong with the Golden Rule and how does it destroy attraction and ruin relationships?
Why the Golden Rule DESTROYS Attraction and Ruins Relationships…
The Golden Rule falls short of being a good way to treat other people because we don’t all want to be treated the same way…
Instead of treating people the way YOU want to be treated, it’s much better to treat people the way THEY want to be treated. <==Read 3X…
It’s this little shift in “other-awareness” that can really help you take off when it comes to dating, making great friends, networking for business, sales, negotiations, giving presentations, relationships, and anything else that involves other people.
So, instead of the Golden Rule, follow the PLATINUM RULE from now on:
Treat other people the way THEY want to be treated…
How does that specifically apply to dating and relationships?
GREAT question sir…
1. Women are fundamentally attracted to different things than you are…
Now, that might sound obvious, but human beings have a tendency to think other people think, feel, and want the same things as they do.
So, a lot of the things that guys do that push women away are things that a man might actually LIKE when a woman does it (and that’s why guys do those things: it seems like a good idea because they would like it).
And, a lot of the things that are attractive to women don’t have ANY affect on men at all.
INTERNAL STRENGTH (your ability to say “no” when necessary, state your opinion even if it’s not popular, and walk away when it’s called for) and
CHALLENGE (you don’t chase her…you just LEAD and let her chase you if she wants – you’re not “easy” to get like every other guy she eventually gets tired of and you have a full life that you truly love whether or not it works out with her)
In a healthy relationship, you ONLY give things to other people FREELY.
If you can’t give something with absolutely no strings attached (including emotional ones), don’t give it. <==Read 3X…
Otherwise, RESENTMENT (that YOU created) builds up and resentment is the silent assassin of loving relationships.
(Plus, if you give her something or do something for her in the beginning stages of dating in the hopes that it will make her like you more, it’s called qualifying yourself to her and it turns her off faster than a “clap off” switch).
And, give what the other person wants, not what you want to give.
For example, when my girlfriend’s sister turned 21 I wanted to get her a present…
And my idea was to get her a really nice bottle of top-shelf liquor and a cool shot glass because that’s kind of the general way we do 21st birthdays in the US…
However, I had my girlfriend ask her what kind of alcohol she likes…
Turns out that she doesn’t like hard alcohol at all (which is strange…because she’s Russian haha) but she LOVES red wine.
So, I got her a good bottle of red wine.
In my mind, it’s not as “cool” of a gift…but it’s what SHE will actually like and that’s what counts.
When you get something for your wife or girlfriend or you take her to do something for her birthday etc., get her something or take her to do something that SHE will like or that will be meaningful to HER, instead of just doing something that YOU want to do for her.
And this might sound obvious, but definitely don’t buy her a dishwasher, vacuum, or other practical appliance that helps with housework haha (buy these for her at RANDOM times, not important days).
Now, on the other hand, you should also clearly communicate the things that you want and need from others <==Read 3X…
Listen, it’s not anyone else’s job to read your mind or figure out what you need and want.
That’s the other side to this coin: Communicating clearly what you want and need while at the same time meeting as many of your own needs and wants as you can and giving freely to others (what they actually want and need – find out). <==This is a big part of having healthy relationships.
So, to bring this back full circle, the next time you want to send a woman that last, unnecessary text that you know you shouldn’t (you know the one I’m talking about), ask yourself:
Are you going to do what YOU want to do (lose self-control, destroy challenge, and make her less interested in you by overtexting her), OR are you going to do what makes HER respond positively to you (demonstrating self-control and being a challenge by holding back on that silly little text message)?
Did you know that experiencing “social rejection” fires up the same neurons in your brain as actually getting punched?
Yep, “rejection” literally hurts…
So, if you feel nervous when you think about approaching the gorgeous girl at the bar or the coffee shop, or if you get anxious when you want to go for a kiss, it makes perfect sense…
After all, who likes getting punched?
On the other hand, in order to experience dating SUCCESS, you have to take social risks (unless you’re in the top 1% of social status and/or looks and never have to approach women or risk rejection)…
You have to risk getting “punched” in terms of potential “social rejection.”
The most successful guys don’t necessarily get rejected less; they just handle rejection better, think about it differently, and seek more opportunities more quickly.
And, they RISK rejection a lot more.
They GO FOR THE KISS instead of trying to avoid a “negative outcome,” etc.
Now, you can definitely “reframe” what it means to be “rejected” and that definitely helps…
However, at the end of the day, you have to find a way to TAKE ACTION in spite of the fact that it will probably hurt a little bit if she doesn’t want to talk to you, doesn’t give you her number, says she’s busy when you ask her out, turns her cheek when you go for a kiss, etc.
You have to find a way to lead things forward even when you’re a little afraid, so:
Your level of “rejection tolerance” is one of the main factors that determines your level of dating success.
Almost every guy can have a good attitude and believe in themselves when a woman says, “Yes!”
The question is this: Can you take it (well) if she says, “No?”
Rejection tolerance is two things wrapped into one:
1. Your ability to feel fear and TAKE ACTION anyway…
2. Your ability to handle it well when things don’t go your way (how you interpret it, your emotional control, how long it takes you to recover, etc.)…
In other words, your ability to take “social punches.”
The BIG PROBLEM
The problem I see out there in the dating world is this:
Most guys try to “turn on” their “game” when they see a super attractive woman and either psych themselves up artificially to “go for it” (not a bad thing but usually not successful) or chicken out and hold back (they don’t go talk to her, ask her out, go for a kiss, etc…because they don’t want to get mentally or emotionally punched).
That would be like trying to learn boxing and only fighting against and taking punches from Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor…
And then, feeling like a FAILURE when you get knocked down or get too scared to step into the ring.
That’s not a very reasonable or effective strategy…
So, how can you increase your “rejection tolerance” so that you can more confidently take action, lead things forward, and also handle it well if it doesn’t work out?
Simple: PRACTICE MORE.
Take more little social punches more often and build up your tolerance…
(And, develop an abundance mentality: It’s okay if it doesn’t work out with one particular woman and it doesn’t mean anything about you. Set reasonable expectations for yourself).
Here’s a good analogy:
There are some MMA guys out there who can literally take a baseball bat across the shin with minimal pain and without damaging the bone…
Their shins are almost like steel.
And how is that possible?
Well, when you get kicked hard enough in the shin, it creates what’s called a microfracture: a small break in the bone that doesn’t go all the way through…
And, when that microfracture heals, the bone becomes MUCH harder and tougher than it was pre-kick.
And when you get thousands of microfractures over time and they all heal, you now have a shin bone that’s a DEADLY WEAPON.
It simply doesn’t hurt to get kicked in the shin anymore (well, maybe it does a little bit).
And, the same idea applies to social punches: You can train yourself to tolerate more social rejection.
The BIGGER SOLUTION
How to Raise Your Rejection Tolerance…
Here are seven ways you can increase your rejection tolerance so you can be more successful with women:
Practice your approach and bantering skills on EVERYONE.
Getting onto an elevator?
In line at the grocery store?
Risk saying, “Hi” to someone…and then banter with them if you can.
Banter with your co-workers a little bit.
Introduce yourself to any woman any time, even if she happens to be 97 years old.
Take small social risks everywhere you go. Then, when you get comfortable with that level, take bigger ones.
This might sound really out there, but I used to randomly lie on the floor in the middle of a crowded building once a month or so just to keep building my tolerance.
Get in the HABIT of ALWAYS asking for a woman’s number if you’re even REMOTELY interested in her.
Whenever you meet a new girl and you like her or you might like her, GET HER NUMBER (or at least ask for it).
That makes it a lot easier to do with a girl you consider a “10” vs. never asking for numbers and then all of a sudden trying to “turn it on” with her.
And, you never know, maybe a woman you initially think of as a “7” will turn into a “10” for you once you take her out and realize that she’s awesome (happens all the time)…
Start “training” at whatever level you can handle and then slowly move up until you can actually take a punch from “Floyd Mayweather” and survive.
Also, once you start going on dates with a girl, ALWAYS go for a kiss by the end of the second date…
Take a few “rejections” if you have to because each one gets you closer to success with the NEXT girl.
Break some eggs = Delicious omelet.
Learn to handle “negative” comments from women.
Listen, women will usually try to IGNORE you if they don’t like you…
So, if a woman’s giving you a hard time, it could simply be a TEST.
How you handle incoming “negativity” is one of the biggest factors that determines your level of social and dating success. <===Read 3X.
I was thinking about bullying in grade school the other day…And you know what’s really interesting about bullying to me?
Sometimes the MOST POPULAR guy actually takes the MOST crap from people:
The most popular guy in my school got his head dunked in the toilet to the point where he got a cut in his forehead, had soapy lunch rags thrown at him and wiped across his face, was given the MOST BRUTAL “wedgies” of anyone in the school, had his lunch stolen multiple times, etc…
However, it never once made him think he wasn’t cool. And, he WAS cool.
Now, the “lowest-status” guy in our class also got bullied…
However, much smaller forms of aggression affected him MUCH MORE.
It reinforced his low self-worth.
There’s a scene in a horrible movie called John Tucker Must Die that really illustrates this point:
The girls at John Tucker’s high school want to get “revenge” on him basically because he could have any girl he wanted and they couldn’t control him.
So, they came up with a plot that ended up with him being caught by his basketball teammates, coaches, some other classmates, and school administrators wearing nothing but women’s thong-style underwear at a hotel…
They also took pictures of him wearing the women’s underwear and made sure that all the other students at their school saw the photos to try to embarrass him as much as possible.
So, what did he do?
Did he get angry and try to get back at the girls?
Did he decide not to show up for school the next week out of embarrassment?
Did he walk around with his head down?
He went right into it and WORE THE THONG TO SCHOOL.
Then, at basketball practice, he showed his teammates that he was still wearing it and that it wasn’t a big deal…
He even came up with semi-convincing arguments about why it was so awesome to wear women’s underwear.
And, by the end of the scene, all of the other guys started wearing women’s underwear at basketball practice too. He made it “cool.”
Great way to think about how to handle social “punches” and how life works?
And that’s the space that I want you to get to as well.
Do one thing every day that scares you…
Practice facing your fears as a HABIT.
That way, when you feel the tension that comes with approaching or going out with an attractive female, you’ll be used to dealing with it.
Stop rating women on a “1-10” scale…
If you rate women on a 1-10 scale, you’re putting EXTRA pressure on yourself and lowering your rejection tolerance before you ever even say hi to a woman you think of as an “8,” “9,” or “10.”
So, if you stop rating women on a 1-10 scale, it takes some of that pressure away, raises your rejection tolerance, allows you to approach more women, and allows you to apply successful dating principles more consistently.
And, that’s what leads to the most success: applying successful dating principles exactly the same way with EVERY woman you’re interested in.
So, from now on, instead of rating women on a 1-10 scale, start thinking of them as 0’s (you’re not interested in them) and 1’s (you are interested in them) when it comes to dating.
That way your behavior will be more consistent with all the women you’re attracted to and you’ll actually have a chance with the women you want the most.
You’ll instantly take your dating success to the next level.
And, there’s really no such thing as a “10” anyway: One man’s “10” is another man’s “7” and vice versa.
Plus, who cares what her “rating” is? The only thing that matters is if you’re attracted to her or not.
So, if you rate her above other women you’re attracted to, you’re simply hurting your chances with her and lowering your rejection tolerance for no reason.
And here’s the thing: Gorgeous women are NOT goddesses; they’re just slightly more physically symmetrical and well-proportioned HUMANS (and they have more options in terms of dating).
Even the most beautiful women in the world have to go to the bathroom just like everyone else and they have problems and flaws just like everyone else.
Some of them are incredibly sweet, intelligent, caring, and fun to be around…
Some of them are terrible people.
And, you can’t tell what kind of person they are just by looking at them.
So stop thinking of women as “10’s” before you ever even talk to them…
And, have some standards for the internal qualities and personality traits you’re looking for because that makes dating more fulfilling, makes you much more attractive to extremely good-looking women, gives you a competitive advantage over almost every other guy out there who’s chasing them, and raises your rejection tolerance at the same time.
Remember: Every woman you’re attracted to is on the exact same “level” from now on.
Not only does taking good-looking women off of a pedestal help you be more relaxed and confident with them, it also allows you to treat them the way they deserve to be treated: as human beings.
And, when you realize that even the most physically attractive women are just humans with flaws and problems like everyone else and you stop rating certain women “10’s,” it takes some of the pressure off of you, increases your rejection tolerance, and increases your chances of success with every woman you meet.
Go where the women are…
This might sound obvious, but the more options you have, the more likely you are to succeed.
No matter how good your “game” is, if you’re taking consistent action to attract the right women for you, chances are you’re going to make some mistakes sometimes, especially with extremely attractive women.
So, in order for you to allow yourself to make those necessary mistakes, you have to have as many options as possible.
If you only ever try to apply successful dating principles with the ONE cute girl in your town, that’s way too much pressure…
So, do the best you can when it comes to putting yourself in a strong position to meet large numbers of the kinds of women you like:
Sign up for more than one online dating profile and download multiple dating apps…
Do activities that you GENUINELY enjoy that have more women than men…
If you live in a small town in Alaska, consider moving to a bigger city if you can…
Because the more real options you have, the more rejection you can tolerate, the easier it is for you to apply successful dating principles, and the more likely it is that you’ll be successful.
Keep Going and You Can Do It…
If you keep training, you will be successful with women.
Just know that success may require a little bit of what you might think of as “rejection.”
So, burn it into your brain now that you’ll keep going and push through those experiences because your success lies on the other side of them.
If you want, you can even challenge yourself to actively TRY to get more “rejections” faster so you can raise your rejection tolerance and speed up your success.
And remember: There’s no such thing as “rejection;” only LEARNING exists…
So, if you take consistent action to apply successful dating principles with women, you learn everything you can from every experience you have with a woman no matter how “bad” it seems, you keep calibrating your behaviors based on the feedback you get, you keep building your rejection tolerance, and you keep going, you will definitely get where you want to go.
Most guys do okay when things are going well with a woman they like…
However, what really makes the difference when it comes to increasing a woman’s interest in you and then KEEPING a woman attracted to you is:
How you handle it when things go a little sideways…
So, in this article, we’ll talk about a few situations with women that happen to guys all the time, a good way to handle each of them, and a bad way to handle each of them so that the main concepts we’re talking about become clear and so you can start applying them immediately.
Remember: When it comes to your interactions with a woman, your reactions to her actions and reactions are what matter; not her reactions to you.
A woman can only be attracted to you and stay attracted to you if she’s reacting to you more than you’re reacting to her.
And, if not, it should become a little more clear after we see some examples.
What to do when she STOPS texting you, cancels a date, starts touching you less, starts making negative comments to you more often, or stops sleeping with you…
Listen, here’s the big key: A woman treats you better and better as her interest in you goes UP and she stops treating you so well when her interest in you starts falling.
So, there are only TWO factors that determine how well a woman treats you and how awesome she behaves toward you and these two things determine how much you’ll enjoy being with her:
1. Her general character and attitude toward life (the way she is on her own whether you’re dating her or not…).
2. How interested she is in you right now.
And that means that if you’re dating a woman or you’re married to one and she’s really an awesome person, the ONLY factor that really matters when it comes to how she treats you (how often she touches you, laughs at your worst jokes, wants to kiss you, and generally makes your life easier) is her current level of interest in you.
If you’ve read Attract and Keep Her, then you already know this and you already know about the “SOI Scale…”
SOI stands for Strength of Interest and the SOI scale is a scale from 1-10 that allows you to gauge how much a woman likes/loves you at any given time (actually, it goes from -10 to 10 because there are also different levels of disinterest).
Here’s a short version of how the SOI scale works:
When you meet a woman, she can be open to you a little bit (SOI = 0-2), she can be a little bit intrigued by you but not blown away (SOI = 2-4), she can be interested in you (SOI = 4-6), she can be very interested in you (SOI = 6-8), or she can be in love with you at first sight (SOI = 8-10).
If her SOI is above 0 when you meet her you can raise her SOI (and if it’s 0 or below, nothing you do can ever raise it), so our mission is to RAISE her SOI until it hits 9+.
Then, if we want to keep dating her and/or marry her, we want to KEEP her SOI at 9+.
And your behavior over time is what raises, maintains, or lowers her SOI.
It usually takes about 6-10 dates/2-3 months to raise a woman’s SOI high enough and keep it high long enough for her to feel what we call “LOVE” for you.
However, if you get the most important things right most of the time, that’s generally good enough.
And then, if her SOI starts falling at any point, we have to raise it again before it hits 0.
Because once her SOI hits 0 and then goes below zero, there’s NOTHING you can do to get it back. It’s gone for good…
(Btw, lots of women get and stay married with an SOI between -2 and 0, meaning that they will never actually be in love with their husbands no matter what they do; but they won’t leave until their SOI hits -3 and they’re overflowing with resentment…).
Now, there are exactly four things that raise a woman’s SOI in a man (if she’s interested in you to begin with based on looks, social status, etc. and she doesn’t already have a boyfriend or husband):
INTERNAL STRENGTH (you don’t REACT to her; you have high self-control)…
HIGH INTERNAL VALUE (you have high levels of genuine self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence)…
PRESELECTION (she thinks other women on her level want you)…
CHALLENGE (you don’t chase her like all the other guys do…so she likes you more over time instead of getting rid of you).
And her SOI goes up as you show her that you have these qualities based on how you act and how you react to various situations.
So, in this article, we’re going to look at 4 examples of how you can demonstrate INTERNAL STRENGTH and raise her SOI…
*If you prefer listening to audio, check out this presentation:
You send a woman a text and she doesn’t text you back…
Option A (avoid):
You continue to text her…and text her…and text her.
What’s wrong with this?
Well, if her SOI is already 0 or below, you’re wasting your time and crushing your own self-esteem by continuing to text a woman who isn’t interested in you. Not good.
And, if her SOI is above 0 and you keep texting her when she doesn’t respond, you will LOWER her SOI in you and eventually it will hit 0 and then you’ll never see her again.
Option B (do this instead):
You do nothing…
You continue to live your life and let her text you back if she wants.
You can send her one more text a day or two later if you want just in case something weird happened, but no more than one.
You use this as a golden opportunity to show AND build your internal strength at the same time.
Why is this better?
Because if her SOI is already 0 or below, you don’t waste your time and energy chasing a woman who isn’t interested.
And you get more self-respect and internal strength points that you can take with you when you meet the next woman you like.
And, if her SOI is above 0, when you don’t keep texting her when she doesn’t respond, it shows her that you have internal strength (and hints at high internal value – you believe she’ll text you back because you’re awesome, preselection – you could be out with other women, and challenge – you’re not going to chase her like every other guy she eventually gets tired of), so her SOI goes UP by the time she texts you back.
She agreed to a date and you got excited…then, she texts you 3 hours to 30 minutes before and cancels on you.
This situation happens all the time…
Option A (avoid):
You get PISSED, show her how upset you are, and/or beg her to meet up with you another time:
“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me…can you meet me in like an hour? Or, can you meet me on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday instead?”
What’s wrong with this?
You’re REACTING to her…
Even if you feel extremely upset, don’t show a woman that she got to you. She already knows…and it lowers her SOI when you react.
Also, you’re showing her that you’re way too available (the opposite of CHALLENGE).
Her SOI will plummet if you react this way (assuming it’s above 0 to begin with – yes, some women will agree to a date even if they’re not interested).
Option B (do this instead):
Her Text: “Hey, I’m not going to make it tonight after all…Sorry!”
Your Text: “Okay cool.”
OR: “I was looking forward to seeing you but I’m actually a little bit relieved. I was invited to a friend’s party tonight and felt bad that I couldn’t go. I think I’ll head over there now, so no worries at all. cheers”
OR: “No worries…my friend invited me over to watch Moana so I think I’ll head over there now.” <==This is a powerful one because it implies PRESELECTION.
Notice how you don’t say, “Another girl invited me over,” or “My friend Amanda invited me over…” You just say that a friend invited you over…
You imply that it was a woman by the title of the movie.
When it comes to preselection, you want to imply it instead of being direct. Let her wonder if you’re going to hang out with another girl or not. We’re talking to her subconscious mind here, not her pre-frontal cortex. =)
Now, this might be considered “playing games” a little bit…but, hey, if she cancels a date on you it’s completely fair for you to play back a little bit if you want.
Don’t overdo stuff like this because then it won’t work but a little tactic like this every once in a while can be extremely effective.
Then, after you send this one text, DO NOT call/text her/ask her out again until she texts you again…
Her two days later: “Hey…haven’t heard from you in a while, what’s up??!! =)”
You: “Oh hey, how’s it going?”
Her: “Good, thanks! So…I was thinking…we should meet up soon. Sorry I had an emergency come up the other day.”
You: “Why don’t we grab a drink on Thursday? I’m going to Wine Bar X at 6; you should meet me there”
And if she doesn’t ever text you again, delete her number and move on.
Why is this better?
Well, if her SOI is 0 or below, you can’t raise it anyway, so you save your time and energy for women who ARE interested in you.
You just let her go and move on to the next potential “soul mate.”
And, if her SOI is above 0 and you respond this way instead of REACTING like we did in Option A, her SOI will go UP (sometimes way up) because you’re demonstrating internal strength.
She used to touch you a lot, say nice things to you, and laugh at your bad jokes…Now, she doesn’t touch you very often, she says little negative things to you more often, and your jokes seem to annoy her.
This means that her SOI is falling and you’re in danger of it hitting 0 any time (if it hasn’t hit 0 already).
Option A (avoid):
You get resentful, start fighting with her, insulting her back, etc.
Or, you get upset and start begging her to treat you better.
Or, you get upset and start trying to control her.
Or, you ask her to go to therapy or couples therapy.
What’s wrong with this option?
None of these things raise her SOI…and they generally lower it even more.
Option B (do this instead):
Assuming she doesn’t just have a bad attitude in general, you have to raise her SOI back up if it’s still above 0.
You back off a little bit, give her some space, and let her come back to you. Stop worrying about whether or not she’ll leave you and just be present with her.
Go out and do some things you really want to do that you’ve been putting off and find a way to get your mind and emotions at least somewhat handled. Take GREAT care of yourself.
And, start dating her again if you’re not still doing that (if she agrees to go out with you).
You should take your girlfriend or wife out at least once every week or two and HAVE FUN – no talking about your horrible boss, the bills, the kids, etc. – if you want to maintain her SOI at a high level.
Focus on enjoying spending time with her and put absolutely NO pressure on her.
And, in the mean time, show her that you have internal strength by NOT REACTING to her little negative comments, etc. so you can start raising her SOI right away.
This process takes longer the longer you’ve been with her.
Why is this better?
If her SOI is already 0, there’s nothing you can do anyway…
However, if her SOI is above 0, backing off and letting her come to you and having FUN with her without any pressure will start to raise her SOI again.
She stops sleeping with you.
We’re in serious trouble if things get to this point, assuming you’re in a long-term relationship with her.
When a woman has SOI 9+, she (pretty much) always wants to kiss you. That’s one of the strongest indicators of high interest.
So, when she rarely wants to kiss you or sleep with you, it means her SOI has taken a nose dive.
Option A (avoid):
You pressure her into kissing you/sleeping with you.
Why is this bad?
Doing this will cause her SOI to drop below 0 faster than you can say, “But you’re my gf/wife…you have to!” (assuming her SOI is still above 0 at this point).
And, it causes two of the biggest relationship killers to grow rapidly inside her mind: resentment and contempt.
Option B (do this instead):
Hopefully it never gets to this point for you, but if it does, we have to make a more extreme plan to raise her SOI again:
You make a commitment to yourself that you won’t try to sleep with her for 2 months…that way, she won’t feel any PRESSURE from you and it will be her idea if you sleep with her during that time (that’s what we want).
Then, you take her out once a week or so and just have a fun time with her (if she’ll agree to it).
You treat her as if you just met her and you just started dating her.
You don’t make any ultimatums and you don’t argue with her.
You don’t REACT to the situation…
You RESPOND by letting her go and controlling yourself instead of trying to control her.
Then, you figure out what you did to lower her SOI so you don’t make those mistakes again.
(Or, you figure out that she just has a bad attitude in general and make a commitment to yourself to choose a better woman for you next time. Then, you break up with her or divorce her).
Why is this better?
Because it’s the only thing that CAN possibly work, assuming her SOI isn’t already 0 or below.
If letting her come back to you doesn’t work, there was nothing you could do anyway.
Remember: INTERNAL STRENGTH can be improved, just like physical strength.
So, I highly encourage you to work on building your “NON-REACTIVITY MUSCLE”
By practicing not reacting to things that happen around you.
For example, when you get a text from someone, wait for a minute or two before you check it.
Do anything you can to slow yourself down so that you’re RESPONDING to the world instead of reacting to it.
Another thing you can do is to get rid of things you don’t need. That can help you build internal strength A LOT because we all fear losing things more than we desire gaining things.
Now, because internal strength is 1/4 of what makes women like you more, you can succeed with women by either:
1. Actually not caring at all (she interprets this as internal strength).
This is how you probably feel about women you’re not interested in…which is why they like you so much. =)
2. Caring as much as you want and still not reacting to her.
In other words, you’re consistent regardless of what she does.
For example, you wait several days to ask her out again after a date whether she texts you once or 3,000 times in-between…
Or, if she doesn’t text you back, you don’t text her again no matter how much you like her.
Here’s the question: Can you control yourself when you’re dating a woman you’re very interested in?
Will you react or respond when things don’t go your way?
Will you stay on your path or can she knock you off of it?
That’s what she wants to know.
INTERNAL STRENGTH is extremely rare; and that’s one of the reasons it’s so incredibly attractive.
Remember: Patience might taste bitter at first, but its fruit is incredibly delicious.
And it also happens to be the biggest key to women (assuming you choose to date the right ones for you).