Emyli specializes in helping relationship-ready men find a girlfriend, wife, or long-term partner…
I really enjoyed our conversation and think you’ll get a lot out of it too:
Men's Dating Coach Emyli (EmLovz.com): Find Your Next Relationship With the Right Woman - YouTube
1. We discuss Emyli’s “100 Date Experiment” where she went on 100+ dates in one year with around 50-60 men – all in the name of science.
She wanted to find out if love is a real, tangible thing or just a concept created to sell Disney movies…
Not only did she meet her current boyfriend and discover all kinds of interesting things through this experiment, she also noticed that most of the men she was interested in made what seemed like simple mistakes that she wished she could help them correct while she was on the date with them…
And that’s exactly what she does now through her coaching business – help awesome guys eliminate the dating mistakes that hold them back from attracting the right woman for them.
2. Emyli shares her concepts of “MegaDating” and “MegaMessaging.”
We talk about why it’s a GOOD thing for you to date multiple women before you commit to one and exactly how to set yourself up with many potential matches.
Why follow her advice?
Because naturally creating real abundance in your life is A LOT better than pretending or playing games.
When you have more options, you become more naturally confident and attractive while also giving yourself lots of good options so you can choose the right woman for you instead of SETTLING.
We also discuss why settling is bad (horrible)…and how setting up your “dating funnel” properly can help you find the right woman for you.
3. Emyli shares practical dating tips and strategies that have proven successful for her clients (the ones she wishes she could have shared with the guys who made mistakes on dates with her and more) like:
*How to be more naturally confident and fully present in the moment with a woman you’re VERY attracted to…
*How to keep an attractive conversation going on your dates and how much you should (not) be talking…
*How to ask a woman out PROPERLY (using her “TDL” strategy)…
*What NOT to do right after a date to make sure you don’t DESTROY her interest you…
*What to do between dates to make her MORE interested in you…
*How to get “secret intel” on your first date and use it to take her on a PERFECT second or third date…
*The kinds of dates you should be taking women on…
4. Lastly, we discuss the importance of being PLAYFUL on dates…
Having a playful attitude is one of the most critical aspects of successful dating. And, it’s also an extremely important part of MAINTAINING a good romantic relationship over time.
While sarcasm, cutting humor, and self-deprecating humor are not so great for attraction, POSITIVE HUMOR such as not taking yourself so seriously and playfully teasing her is on of the BIGGEST KEYS to raising her interest in you and then maintaining it long-term.
Your ability to use humor properly shows her that you can handle the inevitable challenges that come along in life. And any time you can SHOW a woman a good thing about you without having to TELL her, you get a lot more “points.”
Whenever you go on a date with a woman, ask yourself, “How can I really enjoy this date even if I don’t like her?”
This powerful question puts you in the best possible mindset and makes you feel more comfortable before you meet up with a woman.
“You don’t have to show her how great you are; she’ll know…if you can make her laugh and make her feel happy,” (41:30).
Listen to the show for all of this and more…Enjoy!
First of all, you should ALWAYS ask for a woman’s phone number the first time you talk to her if you’re interested in her AT ALL…
So, asking her for her number any way you can (or giving her your number) is always better than not asking for it.
However, whenever you can make something feel more natural or make it smoother when it comes to attracting women, it greatly improves your chances of success and makes it easier and less awkward for you at the same time…
So, today I’m going to share the EASIEST, SMOOTHEST way to get a woman’s number with you…
You’re hitting it off with a woman you just met…
You’re really clicking and you can really feel the mutual interest and tension building between you…
Then, right in the middle of your conversation, you get interrupted.
Maybe her friends come and lead her away to another table…
Maybe your friends come and join you…
Or, maybe you’re at a conference and the keynote speaker starts talking…
When you’re in a situation like this, the momentum you’re building with her gets STOPPED dead in its tracks.
And, if you try to strike up another conversation with her later just so you can get her number after an interruption like this:
1. It’s much more awkward than if the interruption never happened…
2. You can easily start thinking about it too much and psych yourself out…
3. You feel more nervous because now you’re chasing her a little bit and you’re “trying to get something” from her, so both of you sense that your perceived value is dropping.
So, what should you do in a situation like this?
Well, that’s exactly what happened to one of my top clients recently (and he has EXCELLENT attraction skills…so this can happen to ANY guy).
And what did I tell him to do next time?
The EASIEST, SMOOTHEST way to get her number…
Simple: The easiest, least awkward, most natural, most under-the-radar, smoothest way to get a woman’s number is this:
Open your phone to the “add contacts” screen, select “add contact” and then simply hand your phone to her with that screen open.
Then, look away a little bit instead of watching her put her number in your phone to ease the pressure even more.
And, trust me, she knows exactly what to do (I won’t even mention that you’re communicating all kinds of good things by doing this, including assuming that she’ll give you her number and that it’s not a big deal)…
The best part: You don’t have to SAY anything at all.
So, you can use this technique even if you’re in a group setting or you have to be quiet without making things uncomfortable for anyone.
Or, if she moved to another area of the venue where you were talking to her, you can just go up to her and casually hand her your phone like this without interrupting her group or making things awkward.
This is my absolute favorite way to get a woman’s number.
I like it almost as much as you giving her your number…
So, try this technique out the next time you meet a woman you’re attracted to because it makes everything easier, smoother, less awkward, and more natural for both of you.
Relating to other people in general can be frustrating sometimes…
And, of course, dating and relating to women can be especially frustrating for us as men.
However, it doesn’t have to be that way…
If you implement just one of the following 10 steps, you’ll reduce your frustration with women significantly…
Implement all 10 and you’ll eliminate your frustration with women almost completely.
And, you’ll be able to handle minor frustrations that come from interacting with any human being no matter how much you like/love them smoothly:
1. Stop making “covert contracts…”
When you do something, never do it expecting something in return, especially if it’s not 100% clear to the OTHER PERSON that you expect something specific in return.
Don’t text a woman to get her to text you back.
Don’t do nice things for her to get her to like you.
Don’t take her to dinner and think that means that she’s supposed to treat you well or like you more or sleep with you.
Don’t do “everything” for her and hope that she’ll do something for you someday.
When you do something hoping to get something in return, it leads to tons of pointless frustration over time when other people don’t fulfill their end of the “covert contract” you secretly made with them.
And, when it comes to your relationships with women, it leads to RESENTMENT…and resentment is the silent assassin of relationships.
Remember: It’s not anyone’s job to read your mind; if you want something make it clear.
The next one is related…
2. Share FREELY instead of trying to get something…
ONLY give things to people and do things for people that you can give or do FREELY without ever getting anything in return and still feel 100% good about it.
Did you know that the human brain doesn’t interpret something as a true “gift” if it thinks you want something in return or if it thinks that you put too much work into it?
See, small “sacrifices” are GREAT for relationships.
So go ahead and buy her a $4.00 coffee on your first date.
And, if you suggest a date idea and she GENUINELY has a better idea that you like, go with it if you want.
On the other hand, big “sacrifices” are HORRIBLE for relationships (yes, the data shows this is true even if you’ve been together for 50 years…).
So, DON’T buy her a $100 steak at a restaurant you HATE just because she wants to go there on your first date.
(Now, even if you can afford to do expensive things any time, don’t spend a lot of money on her until she’s your official girlfriend, she’s already in love with you completely, and you’ve been with her for at least 2-3 months for OTHER reasons…).
And DON’T give in and go hang out with her and do what she wants to do when you have something important to do or something else that you really want to do instead (because when you do, it builds RESENTMENT, which again is the silent killer of relationships. It’s actually WORSE for her too in the long-run).
When you ONLY do things you truly want to do and give things you can give comfortably, you win.
You can make a small compromise here and there when required…And, it’s a good thing to work with a woman who treats you well also…
However, if you do things you don’t want to do or make sacrifices to try to get a particular outcome, you will eventually be FRUSTRATED.
The martyr role isn’t a good look for a man when it comes to dating. So make sure you’re ONLY giving freely and you’ll never be disappointed if it doesn’t “directly” come back to you. You simply don’t need it to.
Take care of yourself at a high level FIRST, take care of your own needs, and then share the abundant overflow that’s left over with the world (and the women you date) FREELY.
3. EXPECT a certain % of women to FLAKE on you…
No matter how awesome you are, no matter how good your “game” is, and no matter how much it seems like she likes you, a woman will STILL “flake” on you sometimes.
That means that you’ll think you had a great “connection” with her, she’ll agree to go out with you, you’ll get excited, and then she either won’t show up or she’ll text you a few hours to 30 minutes before your date and cancel.
EXPECT this to happen sometimes and you won’t be so frustrated when it does.
The word “codependent” gets thrown a lot these days…
Usually, it comes up when people make comments about someone or talk about someone else’s relationship.
However, very few people know what being codependent actually means…
So, in this article, I’ll cover one excellent definition of what it really means to be codependent in detail and link up some resources that can help us start the process of learning healthier patterns of relating to ourselves and others if you’re interested.
Now, before we get into what it means to be codependent, let’s talk about a few things to set the stage:
First of all, I think the way our culture views relationships is flawed…
The current paradigm is this:
-A happy, healthy relationship is ideal.
-Being (and staying) in a relationship is good.
-Being single is HORRIBLE (who’s going to wipe your chin when you’re old??!!).
Here’s what I think:
-A happy, healthy, functional relationship is ideal (or building quality connections in general if you don’t want a relationship).
-Being single is MUCH BETTER than being in a bad relationship…
I think we should reverse the value of being single and put it above being in an unhealthy, dysfunctional, unhappy relationship because I think it really is better.
Being single is actually a move UP the scale if you’re not in a satisfying, healthy relationship…
(What MGTOW gets wrong is that a happy, healthy, functional relationship is also a move UP the scale and it IS possible).
So, I don’t care about the divorce rate as much as I used to because I don’t think staying in a bad relationship is a good thing for anyone.
What I care about more than the divorce rate is this:
Only 10-30% of relationships are happy, healthy, and functional…
And that means that 70-90% of relationships are NOT happy, healthy, and functional right now (based on the academic research I’ve seen).
Why is it so difficult to create a good relationship?
Probably because having a good relationship is NOT a requirement to reproduce…
It simply isn’t necessary for life to carry on.
Also, if most people are NOT in a good relationship, that means that role models are scarce and the ideas about how we should create a relationship floating around in society aren’t helpful either.
So, I want to do what I can to help move the percentage of good relationships up to 40%.
Because, ultimately, what I care about is RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION.
I want you to be able to create a relationship (or multiple connections) that make you and your partner(s) as happy as possible…
Otherwise, it’s not worth the effort.
Now, in order to have a happy, healthy, functional, SATISFYING relationship, you have to attract a woman in the first place.
And, the NUMBER ONE factor that determines how good your relationship with a woman can be is how interested SHE is in YOU.
If a woman loses interest in you, there’s NOTHING you can do to create a good relationship with her even if she’s a great person and you’ve been with her for YEARS.
That’s one thing most relationship experts don’t know or willfully ignore when it comes to romantic relationships.
When a woman is truly, deeply in love with you, she treats you better and both of you are happier.
And, one more clear sign that you might be codependent is if you ever think, “If only person X would X, then I would be happy.”
If you need other people to be different or you need REALITY to be different in order to be happy, you might be codependent (and you’re in for a lot of unnecessary suffering).
Now, if you’re thinking, “Wow! I can relate to all 5!” you’re in good company…
In fact, when I first read one of Pia Mellody’s books about ten years ago it hit me like a ton of bricks: I’m codependent.
No question about it.
And here’s the thing: If you’re codependent, it’s very likely that most of the people around you also suffer from this condition.
Usually, parents’ codependent thought and behavior patterns get passed on to their children (and they got them from their parents, so the “cycle” just keeps repeating itself).
Now, none of us want to pass these thought and behavior patterns on to future generations, and none of us want to keep suffering from them, but we WILL unless we become aware of them and heal ourselves.
So, when I learned that I was codependent, I decided that I would do everything in my power to break the cycle.
I spent five years just working on recovery from codependence and I still work on it every single day.
Has it been painful?
Has it been worth it?
I wouldn’t be here writing this article right now if I didn’t go through this process.
I’d probably be doing something I HATE for a living instead of something that I enjoy and that’s meaningful to me.
And I wouldn’t feel good inside every single day instead of always feeling tension in my stomach and always feeling that something is MISSING or that something’s wrong with me and not knowing what it is…
So, if you identify with the core symptoms of codependence and you want to learn more about it and start down the path of breaking the cycle yourself, I recommend starting here:
1. The fact that 10-30% of relationships ARE happy, healthy, and functional means that it IS possible for human beings to have good relationships.
Human beings are doing it; so, it’s possible for you as well.
2. If your parents didn’t have the best relationship or you’ve suffered from some kind of trauma, that doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to creating unhealthy relationships for the rest of your life.
You can LEARN to create healthy relationships, starting with yourself.
And that’s backed up by research.
3. The better you treat yourself, the better you treat everyone else.
Start to see the world for what it is: A MIRROR…
When you treat yourself a certain way, you’re doing it to the world.
And, when you treat the world a certain way, you’re doing it to yourself.
So, from this point forward, strive to be CONSISTENT in the way you treat yourself, everyone else, and the world around you.
And, of course, strive to be CONSISTENTLY awesome in the way you treat yourself and the world.
Celebrate the success of others…
GIVE validation instead of seeking it…
Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you care about…
Accept yourself exactly as you are in this moment (nope, there’s actually nothing fundamentally “wrong” with you…) and then just keep getting a little bit better every day and you’ll be most of the way there.
If you think YOU are “good enough” even though you’re not perfect, you’ll be able to think a woman is good enough for you even though she’ll never be perfect as well. And that’s the starting point for a good relationship.
And, not only is accepting yourself good for you in general, it also makes you much more naturally attractive to women when you walk around with this attitude…they can sense it from across the room.
Remember: You’re awesome just because you exist.
And, you are whole, complete, and perfectly imperfect exactly as you are in this moment.
Start from there and see how far you can take it.
All the Best,
*These are NOT affiliate links…We don’t get any money if you buy from these links.
“Can I buy you a drink?” is one of the most common “pick-up lines” in the world…
And, it’s also one of the worst.
Why is it so bad?
Well, listen, saying ANYTHING to a woman to get a conversation started is better than never saying anything to her…
However, this kind of line SCREAMS all kinds of negative things to her right away:
You’re saying that you have to offer her something outside of yourself (a drink) in order to be worthy of her attraction and time.
You’re starting out your entire connection with her saying that you’re not good enough for her on your own…
Does that sound like a genuinely confident (attractive) guy to you?
You’re saying that you think she’s physically attractive, so you want to buy something for her…
You don’t even know her at all, yet you want to buy her a gift?
That says to her:
A. You’re shallow and only care about looks (even if that’s not true).
B. You don’t have standards for the kind of women you’re looking for beyond physical characteristics (when you actually DO have standards and she thinks she might be able to meet them, she becomes much more attracted to you).
C. You think she can be “bought…” (even if you don’t really think so).
Most women don’t want to be thought of as anything close to being a prostitute…
3. You probably don’t have many options in terms of women who want to date you (even if you do).
Otherwise, why would you try to buy a drink for woman you don’t even know?
4. You’re saying that you’re not creative or unique AT ALL and just parrot what thousands of other guys have said to her before…
Is that the kind of first impression you want her to have if you want to hook up with her or date her?
Of course not.
Now, most guys open with this line simply because they can’t think of anything else to say in the moment…
Well, whenever you can’t think of anything “witty” to say as you’re approaching her, just say, “Hi” instead…
That way you won’t immediately kill any attraction she might feel for you like you would if you offered to buy her a drink.
Remember: You can always playfully tease and challenge her later on in your conversation…you don’t have to try to do everything with your opening line.
So, if you shouldn’t open with that line, what should you do in terms of buying women drinks?
Should you buy her a drink?
Instead of offering to buy her a drink right away, you can reverse this classically horrible pick-up line to start challenging her immediately:
“I’ll have a whiskey and coke please, thank you.”
This works really well if she’s standing at the bar waiting to buy herself a drink. It helps if you have a little playful smirk on your face and you sell it by actually assuming she will buy you a drink and that it’s no big deal: OF COURSE she’s thinking about buying you a drink because attractive women buy you drinks all the time….When you use this line, play the part and stick to the bit.
It’s funny and challenging and projects confidence because you ASSUME that she wants to buy you a drink.
Try this one out this weekend if you want and see how it works for you.
You can buy her a drink AFTER you establish attraction and get to know her a little bit.
So, after you playfully tease her and she banters back and forth with you a little bit and then you ask her a couple of open-ended questions about herself and she answers them, you can get her a drink at that point if you want as a REWARD for being a cool person.
Just tell her she can get the next round. =)
As long as you’re not trying to get her to like you by buying her a drink, you can do it without crushing her attraction.
If you ask her to meet you at a happy hour or you take her to dinner and she orders a drink or two, you should pay for her drinks or at least assume you’ll pay unless she INSISTS on paying for herself.
When you know her already and you ask her on a date, things are different: You SHOULD pay for her drinks because the person who asked the other person out is the one who “should” pay.
And, in the early stages of dating, that will usually be you.
It’s very different when you buy a drink for a girl you just met vs. a girl you invited to meet up with you.
So, if you’ve been talking to her for a while and she’s having fun with you, go ahead and buy her a drink if you want. And, if you ask her out and she gets a drink or two, you should pay for them.
The same words with different body language as context communicate very different things.
We all know that non-verbal communication is most of the communication pie…
And, women pick up on nonverbal cues even more than you do (6 times more in fact).
3. The topic of this article…
We’ll get to that in just a second.
4. The way you say the words…
Again, non-verbals matter more.
THEN, what you say matters after all of this…
So, before you worry too much about what to say to women, let’s talk about something even more important:
How to be INTERESTING and MYSTERIOUS to women…
What we’re talking about today is a skill that more than 90% of men lack…
A. Most men who try to do it do it the wrong way…
B. Most people lack this skill in general…
C. It seems to be getting worse now, so it’s an even bigger advantage for you that it was in the past.
So, what is this magical skill that’s even more important than knowing what to say to women, that’s easy to learn, that actually makes dating easier for you, and that naturally boosts your confidence?
And, of course, that also makes you incredibly interesting and mysterious to women (i.e. extremely attractive) at the same time?
I know, I know, it’s not very “sexy…”
But, seriously, if you learn how to listen the right way, you’ll do much better with women and your life will be easier.
The art of listening might not be very sexy, but it makes YOU very sexy.
If you apply this skill to your life in general, you’ll also be more naturally popular and have more business opportunities as well.
Now, the thing is that you have to listen the right way for it to make you attractive to women, so:
1. Make sure ATTRACTION has been established before you start listening to her a lot.
This is the main mistake that “nice guys” make when they listen to women:
They listen to women complain about their problems with other men and they listen to women a lot BEFORE attraction has been established.
They think that “being a shoulder to cry on” will make her want him.
You have to make sure you establish attraction before you start listening to her…
Otherwise, you’re headed on a bullet train straight into the FRIEND ZONE.
So, make sure you playfully tease her a little bit and laugh with her before you start listening.
And, do it in a DATING context: If she’s attracted to you and she’s a good woman, she won’t want to talk about other men a lot.
If you’re on your first date with her and she tells you a little bit about her relationship with her ex and then moves on, that’s normal and completely fine.
However, if she’s always talking to you about her problems with other men or other men she’s interested in, either decide just to be friends with her and be okay with that or MOVE ON.
Listening to her talk about herself and asking her open-ended questions so she can talk a lot ON A DATE is different (attractive) than being her friend and listening to her problems (especially about other men) without ever asking her on a date or establishing attraction (repulsive).
2. After you establish attraction, ask her open-ended questions and LET HER TALK…
You shouldn’t be afraid to share yourself with her and tell stories, etc. but you also shouldn’t be worried about what to say next.
Let her carry the conversation while you just gently guide it along.
For example (after teasing her and being playful for a few minutes):
“Alright Janice…you seem like a cool girl so I’m curious…Tell me: What would you do if you hit the lottery jackpot and never had to work again?”
Then, shut off your mind and LISTEN.
When she’s done, you can tell her a story about you or your life that’s related to something she said, or you can ask her to tell you more:
“Is there more about that?”
“Wow, that’s really cool…Why do you X about X?”
“What makes you want to X?”
“Are you finished, or is there more?”
You can even just stay silent for a while after she’s finished talking…
I tried this as a social experiment one time:
For a whole week, any time I was having a conversation with someone, I counted to five before I started talking after they finished talking.
And, guess what happened?
Almost every time (95%), the other person had MORE to say and started talking again.
And, what they shared at that point was DEEPER and more meaningful than what they said the first time around.
And, the other person felt extremely comfortable with me and they felt heard, respected, and validated by me.
Remember: We don’t like people who share themselves with us a lot, we like people who we share a lot of ourselves with.
So, instead of trying to “convince her to like you” by telling her all the “awesome” stuff about yourself, let her tell you all the awesome stuff about herself.
If you do that and you also establish attraction, it’s like fishing with dynamite. =)
And, when you listen to her instead of talking about yourself, she likes you more, she’s more attracted to you, she feels much more connected to you, AND:
She thinks you’re INTERESTING and MYSTERIOUS…
She’s much more likely to want to see you again.
The best part: Asking her open-ended questions and letting her talk is infinitely easier than trying to think of the perfect thing to say next.
So, it also helps you relax and feel more naturally confident.
Now, at the very least, if you didn’t like what she said, after she’s done talking say something like, “Oh, that’s interesting…”
When she shares something even a little bit deeper about herself with you, NEVER put her down.
Just move the conversation smoothly to a new topic (and make your exit gracefully if what she said was a deal-breaker for you).
Remember: She should be doing 60-80% of the talking on your dates (after you establish ATTRACTION by being playfully challenging with her FIRST).
If she gets to talk a lot when she’s with you and she’s having fun with you, you’ll be MILES ahead of your competition.
And, don’t worry, people generally HATE listening and LOVE talking about themselves…
It takes a lot of INTERNAL STRENGTH to not try to talk about yourself a lot and not try to convince her to like you and to listen to her instead…
So, it’s not like millions of guys will get this idea all of a sudden and start using it when they’re out there dating.
It will be a huge advantage for you for the rest of your life.
3. Keep playful teasing sprinkled in to your conversation every once in a while to keep the attraction alive and avoid the friend zone.
If she only wants to talk about her issues and problems and she always wants to tell you about all of her problems with other men, MOVE ON.
Otherwise, encourage her to share things she’s passionate about and the positive things about herself and her life and then LISTEN.
If you do that AFTER you establish attraction and you keep playfully teasing her every once in a while as a spice, she’ll think you’re the most interesting and mysterious man she’s ever met and she’ll think you’re an incredible conversationalist.
In other words, she’ll be extremely attracted to you and feel exceptionally comfortable with you at the same time…
And what do two people do when they’re extremely attracted to each other and exceptionally comfortable with each other? =)
4. After you’re in a long-term relationship with her or you’re married to her, LISTEN even more.
Now that she’s your official girlfriend or your wife and ATTRACTION has very clearly been established, she’s EARNED the right to your full attention.
If you can’t listen to her for 5-10 minutes a day without interrupting or trying to solve her problem or thinking about what to say next, you shouldn’t be with her.
When she has a problem, listen to her without trying to solve her problem unless she ASKS you for a potential solution.
You have no idea how many points you’ll get if you can do this.
And, it requires less energy than trying to come up with a solution.
So, fight your natural tendency as a man to try to solve everything and LET HER WORK IT OUT HERSELF BY TALKING THROUGH IT WITH YOU.
Just say, “You’re such an intelligent woman…I’m confident that you’ll figure this out.”
Don’t offer a solution UNLESS she asks for one. In that case, fire away.
And, lastly, when she interrupts you when you’re working on a project, watching a big game on TV, or watching your favorite show on Netflix to show you something, hit the “pause” button on what you’re doing and give her 5 seconds of your undivided attention:
“Wow honey, those shoes are amazing…”
“Those new earrings are very cute.”
“Yes, you look great in that outfit.”
Then, she’ll run off happy and you can resume what you’re doing vs. getting her feelings hurt and causing you many more problems later.
Usually, this only takes a few seconds and it leads to a lifetime of more happiness.
And, if you’re with a good woman, she deserves it (just don’t pay her so much attention BEFORE attraction has been established and she’s earned it).
If she wants to talk about something important in this scenario, give her a specific time that you’ll get back with her:
“I’m watching this game right now and I want to hear what you have to say…Can we sit down at 8 o’clock and talk about it?”
“Can we have this conversation in 20 minutes? I’m almost done with this and want to give you my full attention.”
Listen: If you master the skill of LISTENING PROPERLY to women and you also establish attraction, she’ll eventually erase the images of all other men that she’s ever seen in her life and put your portrait on her mantle as the man of her dreams.
She’ll fall in love with you because you let her tell you all about herself. She’ll stay in love with you because you listen to her without trying to solve everything.
So, start practicing this skill TODAY: In your next conversation(s), try to get the other person to tell you about themselves.
And just watch as your popularity skyrockets. =)
Remember: Instead of trying to be interesting, be INTERESTED.
It’s much more attractive to people and it makes you seem amazing to them.
All you have to do to transfer that skill to dating is make sure you ALSO establish attraction by playfully challenging her first and then continue to playfully tease her a little bit forever.
Here’s to getting a lot more with much less effort. =)
You SHOW her how you feel by attracting her properly.
You’re still COMMUNICATING your interest in her; you’re just doing it in an attractive way that she responds positively to instead of flapping your gums.
When you “tell her how you feel,” you’re TRYING TO GET SOMETHING FROM HER: You want her to tell you she likes you too and then take the lead for you…
When you show her how you feel by attracting her properly, you’re GIVING SOMETHING TO HER by leading.
When you GIVE FREELY, you get better results…
You just have to be okay with it if she ends up not being interested and GO FOR IT in an attractive way:
When you start talking to her, you SHOW HER that you think she’s at least somewhat interesting…
When you give her a little more positive body language (you point more of your body in her direction) as she EARNS it by laughing at your jokes, answering your open-ended questions, and participating in the conversation with you, you SHOW HER that you’re starting to like her more and that she’s earning your attention…
When you ask for her phone number, you SHOW HER that you want to get to know her more and see her again…
When you ask her to meet up, you SHOW HER that you like her…
When you go for the kiss, you SHOW HER that you like her.
SHOW HER; don’t tell her.
This can go the other way too (you have to do it in an attractive way):
For example, when you give her flowers on the first date, you SHOW HER that you’re too interested in her too soon without even knowing her yet.
So save the flowers for AFTER she’s in love with you and she’s already your girlfriend.
Because giving her flowers randomly after she’s already your official girlfriend and she’s already in love with you is GIVING her something. It feels REALLY good to her.
Buying her flowers before she’s in love with you is TRYING TO GET something (i.e. get her to like you/fall in love with you). It makes her sick to her stomach.
So, instead of “telling her how you feel,” ask yourself:
“How can I SHOW HER how I feel so that she gets the message without me having to say anything directly?”
And then, ask a follow-up: “How can I show her in an ATTRACTIVE way that’s appropriate for the situation?”
You want HER to come to the conclusion, “Hmmm…I think this guy likes me a lot” all on her own without you having to say anything.
And, you also want her to come to the conclusion, “Hmmm…I really like this guy,” all on her own at the same time.
Let her figure it out on her own.
That way, it’s HER idea to be with you. And, if it’s HER idea to be with you, she can’t possibly want to leave you at the same time.
So don’t “tell her how you feel…”
Instead, ask for her number, ask her to meet up with you one-on-one on a specific day at a specific time, have a great time with her on the date, banter with her, tease her, challenge her, qualify her, go for the kiss by the end of the second date, wait a few days after each date and then ask her out for a specific date and time again.
Then just repeat the process until she says (usually takes 2-3 months), “Hey, where is this relationship headed?” Then, decide if you want to be her boyfriend.
Or, repeat the process until she declines one of your offers (she doesn’t give you her number, she never replies to your text, she declines your date invite, etc.). Then, move on to one of the other 3.5 BILLION amazing potential “soul mates” out there.
So far, I’ve found that there are just about 7 ways to get something that you want in life:
Begging for it,
Fighting/Competing for it,
Tricking other people into giving it to you,
Randomly finding it or “getting lucky”/accidentally getting it
Exchanging something for it, and
Attracting it by giving FREELY or by being valuable…
Let’s say, for example, that you want some money.
To get some money, you can:
Go to the grocery store parking lot with a cardboard sign and beg for some.
Go on a game show or play in a poker tournament to compete for some or to win some.
“Accidentally” bump a guy on the subway and steal his wallet or rob a bank for some.
Con people like Bernie Madoff did (and later go to jail) for some.
Find a $20 bill on the sidewalk or hit the lottery jackpot for some.
Exchange some hours of your labor for some.
Create something other people genuinely need and/or want and sell it to them or become a celebrity so your mere presence is worth paying for to get some…
Just off the top of your head, which of these do you think is the most powerful, sustainable, healthiest way to get money?
Well, I can tell you one organization who has employed option #7 to great effect (you can probably come up with lots of good examples yourself…).
You may have heard of them: it’s a little company called Red Bull.
The executives who started Red Bull in the US really understand how the principles of attraction work.
Here’s their brilliant marketing plan in a nutshell:
Have cute young women and athletic young guys drive around in a Red Bull truck and GIVE EVERYONE THEY SEE A FREE RED BULL (and sometimes a little literature about the brand with it…).
And, they try to concentrate on events where people are likely to want an energy drink.
How has this strategy worked out for them?
Well, they are now the most recognized energy drink brand in the world and have a massive, extremely profitable worldwide empire.
And I can’t tell you how difficult it is to compete for shelf space in the drink world.
Now, Red Bull dominates shelves in convenience stores and grocery store aisles all over the globe…(if it was actually healthy for you, I would be even more impressed…but that’s a topic for another day. Today’s topic is about the best way to get the things you want in life; especially women).
Compare Red Bull’s “giving” strategy with the local beggar in front of the supermarket’s strategy…
I think it’s pretty clear which one gets better results…Yet many men unknowingly follow that “beggar” strategy when it comes to women even thought they would never do it in any other area of life…
The One Who Gives Has the Power
Some Native American tribes from the US Northwest used to (maybe they still do?) hold a ceremony with another tribe called a “Potlatch” every so often.
Basically, one tribe would invite the other to their village and host a huge feast. They would give the other tribe as many gifts as possible and even destroy some of their own prized possessions in front of them.
Then, the other tribe would host the first tribe at their village and try to give even more…
The tribe who was able to give the most was proven to be the more powerful, wealthier tribe.
A wise man once told me, “You receive through the hole you give through,” (that’s worth writing down).
How does that translate to dating women?
Glad you asked…
WARNING: It doesn’t mean that you should “give her everything…” because that doesn’t make a woman more interested in you…
The key is to look at ALL of your dating behaviors, one by one, and ask yourself which ones are begging behaviors and which ones are giving behaviors.
Here’s the golden question:
Are you offering women GENUINE VALUE from THEIR PERSPECTIVE?
Or are you TRYING TO GET something from them?
Begging Gets Meager Results; Giving is Better
Don’t get me wrong; begging gets results or nobody would do it. The guy outside the grocery store will eventually get enough money to buy his bottle of booze for the day…
However, giving gets you better, more sustainable results…
AND your self-worth grows instead of diminishing…
The key then, in a dating context, is to know what women REALLY value in a man (not what you think they value, WISH they valued, or that they think they value but don’t actually RESPOND to) and then offer it to them (it’s different than what males value in a female and it’s not what society says…).
So what do women ACTUALLY value deep down in their subconscious minds, hard-coded by thousands of years of evolution (so you can give it to them)?
*Prefer to listen to audio? Check out this YouTube presentation:
Female Psychology: What Women REALLY Want - YouTube
Make sure you fasten your seat belt and STAY TUNED because these concepts will have a powerful effect on you, your life, and every woman you meet from now on….
I’m pumped for this because I LOVE talking about this stuff (and I love the RESULTS that come from it even more…)!
Let’s begin by talking about 1 of the 4 things that cause a woman to FALL deeply in love with you:
High Internal Value
What does high internal value mean exactly?
It means that you have high self-worth and you show it in all of your actions.
What’s the difference between high internal value and cockiness?
Cockiness is, “I’m better than you” or, “You’re not as cool as me.”
Self-worth is: “I’m not better or worse than anyone else, I’m just awesome.”
The more you TRULY believe the statement above and the more you show it through your dating behaviors, the more attractive you will be.
Because women tend to agree with your TRUE, DEEP, GENUINE self-appraisal. She will tend to think about you what you think about you as demonstrated by the way you behave (not what you say)…
Your real internal value automatically increases when you ACT like you believe in it and your behaviors automatically start changing when you ACTUALLY have more self-worth, so it’s a positive, self-reinforcing cycle.
That’s why it doesn’t really matter if you start with changing your beliefs or behaviors.
So what are some practical ways that you can demonstrate your high internal value via your behavior while you also develop your real mental game and real self-worth at the same time so you can be more attractive immediately?
Here are 7 practical ways you can apply high internal value through your dating behaviors starting today:
Stop trying to convince women to like you and start encouraging them to convince you to like them.
Because if you truly value yourself, you have specific things that you are looking for in a woman and you want to see if she has them.
When you demonstrate that without coming off like you’re trying to be superior to her, it’s wildly attractive (because most guys, the ones she rejects, have no standards at all…AND because she feels SPECIAL if she meets your specific standards that don’t have to do with her looks).
Any time you catch yourself saying something or doing something ONLY for a woman’s approval, notice it, then stop doing it immediately. With a little awareness and practice, you can eliminate all of these behaviors one by one.
Take every insult you ever get as a HUGE COMPLIMENT.
Because your self-worth is so high, it doesn’t even enter your reality that someone (especially a woman) wouldn’t also think you’re amazing.
The next time a woman gives you a hard time, say, “Awww…You’re SUCH a sweetheart! Thanks so much!” and give her a genuine, winning smile. TRULY take it as a compliment and react to the context of that instead of her words.
Let me know what happens when you try this out (if you’re not too busy getting texts from beautiful women begging for you to come over…).
When you’re telling a woman a story that YOU think is awesome and you get interrupted (by the waiter, she starts talking, etc.), DO NOT CONTINUE telling your story unless she asks you to.
Move the conversation forward and LET IT GO.
The ability to do this demonstrates extreme self-confidence because you don’t feel the need to finish your awesome story to convince her to like you.
When you’re talking to a woman and she finishes a thought or a story, pause 3 seconds before you start speaking.
This will usually encourage her to keep talking and fill the silence.
When she shares a lot about herself with you and she senses that you don’t feel any pressure to keep the conversation going or feel the need to convince her how awesome you are, she becomes wildly attracted to you and starts to feel attached at a deep level…which brings us nicely to #5:
Get her talking.
Your job in dating is mostly to keep the conversation moving and get her to talk as much as possible.
It should be 60/40-80/20 in terms of how much she talks vs. how much you talk.
This “sharing ratio” demonstrates subconsciously who is trying to convince who to like them more.
She can ONLY be attracted to men that let her convince them to like her and don’t feel the need to convince her to like them (that’s you).
Feel comfortable sharing, but keep it to a minimum and encourage her to share more.
Use the words, “Is there more about that?” and “That’s interesting, tell me more about x…” a lot.
Ask her open-ended questions that allow her to talk for a long time instead of “yes/no” “interview” type questions.
Ask her qualifying questions.
Encourage her to explain why you should like her vs. every other girl out there without explicitly saying that.
Find out what makes her unique.
Ex: “What’s your favorite thing about yourself?”
or, “What’s something you secretly want to brag about?”
or, “What’s something awesome about you that I wouldn’t know by looking at you?”
or, “I value authenticity. Would your friends say you’re an authentic person? Give me an example of a time you could have been fake but you decided to be REAL instead.”
Approve of her.
When she answers one of your qualifying questions, give her approval. That makes her feel good and still keeps you in the attractive position (whoever is giving the approval is the more attractive one).
When she shares something personal, you never want to put her down.
Even if you didn’t like what she shared or you disagreed with it, don’t be rude.
You can always say, “That’s interesting,” and move the conversation to a new topic…
Okay, so, to recap, there are 4 things that cause a woman who is initially interested in you to like you more (fall in love with you).
The first one is HIGH INTERNAL VALUE.
From now on, start acting like you’re awesome (without being BETTER…), because it’s the TRUTH.
Isn’t it cool how, all of a sudden, for some reason, you just KNOW you’re awesome and your value is NEVER in question?
It’s such a huge relief…
YOU ARE A BADASS and it’s time to start acting like it without diminishing others.
And, watch how your new level of comparison-free self-belief spreads to everyone around you…especially the women around you who all think, “Hmmm…there’s just something about this guy…” and, “Something’s different about him today…”
Let me know how it goes…
Now, let’s talk about #2 out of the 4 things she CRAVES if she’s interested in you initially:
What does internal strength mean exactly?
The quick, dirty, simple, easy-to-understand definition of internal strength is your ability to say no to her when necessary, stand up to her when necessary, and leave her when necessary.
As unromantic as it sounds, if she KNOWS at a DEEP, SUBCONSCIOUS level without you telling her that you have the ability to walk away from her and be just fine, she will like you MUCH more.
In fact, when a situation comes up that allows you to demonstrate your internal strength and she FEELS it, that’s usually when her strong interest in you is solidified (not when things are going perfectly).
So what are some practical ways that you can demonstrate your internal strength via your behavior so you can be more attractive immediately?
Here are 5 practical ways you can apply internal strength through your dating behaviors starting today:
If you disagree with a woman, let her know (especially if you really like her).
If she knows that you’re able to disagree with her without being disagreeable and putting her down (respect her view and opinion also), she will start to realize that you might be the kind of man who has the internal strength she can TRUST.
If you see her flirting with other guys, DO NOT REACT.
From now on, all other men in the world are like her brother in your mind.
Good-looking women might even see if you’ll be jealous right away by talking about other men and gauging your reaction.
They might say, “Oh, yeah, I used to date the star quarterback at USC…” or “My ex-boyfriend used to take me around in his Corvette…”
Make no mistake, these comments are not an accident (at least in her SUBCONSCIOUS MIND)…
She wants to see how you’ll REACT.
You demonstrate internal strength by being “NON-REACTIVE.”
You are not jealous of other men EVER (at least you don’t let her know you are) and YOU are the cause of your emotions, not external events or the environment. <===This is the RARE, INTERNAL STRENGTH that females CRAVE.
If you’re at a party with her and you see her talking to other men, pretend it doesn’t affect you and just see how she handles it. See if she realizes what she’s doing and if she comes back to you or if she ignores you the entire night. It’s a good indication of how she’ll be when you’re away later on if you keep dating her…
She should eventually come back to you, and if you leave with her and she realizes you didn’t get jealous, she will be more attracted to you.
The best thing to do in that situation, if you can, is to talk to other women when she does that.
She’ll probably ask you, “Hey, who were those girls you were talking to?” and you respond with something like, “Oh, just a little quality backup (smile at her).”
If you’re on a date with her or she’s your girlfriend and she KISSES another guy in front of you, obviously don’t call her again or break up with her. But you don’t have to get mad about it. Just move on.
The less you REACT to what she’s doing and the more you CREATE your own emotional states, the more attractive you’ll be and the more options you will have. It’s VERY RARE and VERY VALUABLE to women.
When you’re in a relationship with her, say no to her at least once a month.
You don’t have to say no to her all the time (that’s not good either), but she has to KNOW that you’re willing and able to say no to her once in a while.
Trade a little short-term validation for some long-term attraction and love. It’s worth it.
If she’s acting silly, let her know in a firm yet gentle way.
Just stop her, look her in the eyes and say, “HEY…you’re being silly right now. Let me know when you’re done. :)” or something like that.
Don’t do this all the time, but if you are able to “put her in check” sometimes without being a total jerk about it, she will appreciate it.
She wants to know that you can be cool in her emotional storms. You are the flag pole and she is the flag.
5. If she tries to leave you, let her go. If she does something you don’t like, let her know without getting upset (and don’t put up with it). If she does a “deal-breaker,” leave her.
Even if these strong behaviors end your relationship with her, they will make you MUCH more attractive to every woman you meet after that. And, your self-worth will go up because you’re showing yourself that you are valuable via your actions.
If it isn’t a true “deal-breaker” situation and you stand up to her without getting emotional about it, she will fall deeper in love with you.
Again, passing these situational tests is what makes her fall in love with you, not your “resume stats.”
Now you can start to see these situations as GOLDEN OPPORTUNITIES to make her like you more.
Okay, so, to recap, there are 4 things that cause a woman who is initially interested in you to like you more (fall in love with you).
The first one is HIGH INTERNAL VALUE.
The second one is INTERNAL STRENGTH.
If you find it scary or difficult to implement these behaviors, you’re not alone. There’s a reason why they are so powerful and attractive.
If they were easy to do, they would lose their value.
However, the more you do them, the easier they become. Make them part of who you are. Because you ARE a valuable, attractive man.
Now, let’s talk about #3 out of the 4 things she CRAVES if she’s interested in you initially:
What does Preselection mean exactly?
The simplest definition of preselection is that if a woman thinks other women on her level are attracted to you, she will be attracted to you also.
Think about that for a minute…
Let’s say you’re sitting in a nice, comfy booth having some dinner at your favorite restaurant…
Then, a stunning blonde walks in wearing a form-fitting dress. She looks incredible…
Now, imagine that same woman walking in….only this time she has five sharp-looking dudes in grey suits around her.
Now, let me ask you a question:
Do you find the second version of her with the dudes around her more attractive?
That’s why preselection is so hard for guys to understand: it just doesn’t have the same effect on us AT ALL.
So why does preselection affect HER impression of YOU? Why would a woman find YOU more attractive if you walked into the same restaurant with five good-looking women than if you walked in alone?
In other words, why does preselection work?
Well, it’s actually quite simple once you understand the inner workings of the female brain.
See, a woman has to know at a deep, subconscious level that you have the internal qualities she’s seeking (while we’re mostly looking for youth, fertility, health, and good genes, which we can detect much more quickly). And, in order to find out, she TESTS YOU.
In other words, she watches how you react to various situations…
And, when you pass all of her tests, she feels attracted to you and then falls in love with you because you have SHOWN her that you have the qualities she responds to.
However, when she thinks that other women on her level already want you, she doesn’t have to test you, because you have already passed those same tests in the minds of those other equal females…
She knows those other women wouldn’t be with you or be attracted to you unless you have the qualities she’s looking for because female minds all require the same things from males.
It’s a short-cut for her mind…she doesn’t have to find out your value because other women have already done the work for her.
Also, there’s always an implied competition among females and they want to win.
So, it’s a turn-off if she thinks you’re after every woman, but it’s an extreme turn-on if she thinks every woman is after you.
And again, this is mostly SUBCONSCIOUS, but it explains all kinds of behavior that might seem strange to you as a man (I don’t know about you, but a woman surrounded by guys isn’t all that appealing to me…).
This is why once you have a girlfriend or a wife, it’s easier to get women.
It’s easier to get them all than to get one.
In fact, a recent study found that men with wedding rings are perceived as being more attractive.
Strange, I know, but only because you’re a man…
So what are some practical ways that you can use preselection that will make you more attractive immediately?
Instead of giving you a few specific ways to apply..
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