For those that are just setting out exploring the Narcissist Relationship, there is four distinct Phases that apply to a Relationship with Narcissist.
Stage 1: Love bombing
Stage 2: Devalue Stag
Stage 3: Discard
Stege 4: Recovery
What I am going to shout from the rooftops today, is how important Phase 4 – Recovery is for your future.
Why do I make such a statement?
I have experienced this, and unfortunately did not recover fully for a very long time, which is why I am going to ensure you do! I was in Phase 4 – Recover phase, for too long. I was Divorced and had moved on to another relationship, yet I didn’t feel as confident, as ambitious, or as content as I was before my relationship with my narcissistic husband.
I did seek help immediately my marriage broke down, but sadly I didn’t find the right therapist, who truly understood what I had experienced. From my first-hand experience, coupled with observations from many of my beautiful clients, these are the three most common tips, to expedite you through recovery to emerge ready to step into your best, most successful, confident and powerful self, the one you know is hiding somewhere deep inside you.
My 3 Top Tips to Expedite Recovery: 1. Seek Help
Seeking help is so important following a relationship breakdown with a Narcissist. What’s even more important is finding the right help. Determining if you need to see a therapist should form part of determining the next steps forward for you. Once you have reached this decision – how do you choose the right therapist?
Here’s a simple tip: You should have an indication after two sessions if they are a good fit for what you need. If you are not feeling a shift within you, then potentially it’s not the right fit. A good therapist will have you working, getting to the core of the issues that you feel you may have, and help you unpack any immediate questions swirling around in your head. If you don’t feel you are moving forward -its’ OK to find another therapist.
2. Don’t Talk Incessantly About Your Relationship to Friends or Family
You might find this piece of advice confusing and contradictory to other advice you have heard, namely that you should be talking to your closest friends and family about your break up. Whilst it is important with a normal break up, it differs when dealing with a Narcissist. They are chameleons. They may be cruel and cunning to us behind closed doors, yet to our friends and family, they present as the most charming, perfect partner. Sometimes – our friends and family simply don’t get your ex is a narcissist. Only you know the true person, hiding behind their glossy exterior.
As many narcissists are extremely successful, quite often you are walking away from a life of money & glamour, or so it may appear on the outside. This can confuse your friends and family, as they are not aware of, or don’t understand the emotional abuse that you may have endured.
The fact is, why would anybody choose to leave a relationship particularly if there are children involved? Keep your head high and know you are doing the right thing for you and your children. Keep the deep stuff for your therapist – who is qualified to assist.
3. Make Time for YOU!
When we have found the courage to leave a relationship with a Narcissist, once free we can feel so depleted and exhausted, we question if we have the energy to get through this. At this point, frequently we begin to listen to our inner critic who tells us how ‘Stupid’ we were to get involved with a narcissist and question how we didn’t see the red flags.
If this is you – STOP – right now. What you need is self-love AND lots of it. If your friend was in a crisis you would offer her your love, your comfort right? Well do that for yourself and start right now.
Why, oh why would we not want the feeling of a cosy blanket versus the sharp sting of a rawhide whip? You need to wrap yourself in love, particularly nursing a broken heart. Lather yourself in love! Have massages, take long walks in nature and spoil yourself with long hot baths. A hot bath can erase a world of anxiety. Your nervous system is probably shot, so your inner hard-wiring needs as much nurturing as your broken heart does.
Lastly, I highly recommend purchasing the wonderful book ‘Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff.’ It changed my perspective on recovering from a relationship and highly recommend it.
I would like to end this article by having you understand one important fact – You are enough exactly as you are!
Every man, at some point, wonders what are are the winning words that Women Love to Hear. Do I tell her she looks beautiful and have the line on repeat? Should the focus be more on her personality and her infectious laugh? Or is there something a little more inspiring that will make her jump to her feet and embrace you… ?
Try our winning 5 ‘Things Women Love to Hear from their man’ to add extra sparkle and recognition that we women sometimes love to hear from the man in our lives….. These simple, yet award-winning pointers will lift her spirits, make her smile and in return, you may just get into the good books for a little while. BUT, Listen Up…Before you get busy working your way through the list -these should not be used as a ‘line’. The only delivery method is one filled with authentically when you really mean it and she needs to hear it.
1. You make me smile
We all want to feel wanted. To feel special. There are a few things that can make a woman feel exceptional. When a man tells her she makes him smile – this is one of them. Not that she makes him laugh (too much…) but smiling evokes joy, involvement and pleasure. It’s also a window to his soul, a window she is keen to have revealed and the assurance that she is the one who makes him smile, the one who makes his face light up.
2. I am so grateful I met you
Men are men and can be mildly oblivious to the subtleties of life going on around them, especially when they have what they think they need. Slipping into a routine of work, mates on the weekend, supporting their team and going on golfing holidays can eat years into a relationship. Being blessed with female intuition makes women more than aware of this so when he expresses deep thanks for her in his life, this heightens the reaction. She knows that to be singled out for such praise and recognition of how special he thinks she is, it is an absolute delight for her. Make her feel super wanted by telling her how grateful you are that she is in your life. Keep it subtle, blurt it out, mix it up – this one’s a constant key to success.
3. You are an amazing woman
To put it simply, who wouldn’t want to hear that they are amazing! However, with women, it is especially powerful. Our world is stacked with more than one generation of women who have been told that we can have it all and many strive to achieve some semblance of this. Even if we are not a career-obsessed workaholic’s who love to dance till dawn then negotiate till nighttime, there are choices that we make that helps when they are validated. Telling women that they are amazing for little things will win you buckets of affection and she will be a little bit more into you.
4. I am here for you
Women don’t always want solutions, in fact, we might just want unwavering support at certain times. The key words in this are unwavering and support. Men are wired to leap to the rescue, women don’t always want that so it’s important to let us know that you are with them and for them, come what may. We know we can be a bit loopy at times when looked at in the round but it’s not a time to call that behaviour out. Instead, be there, and give the required support so that we can count on you for whatever is needed, want or deem appropriate, no matter how utterly illogical it may appear to you.
5. I’ve Got This
Three of the most powerful words you can use with a woman. Though it may appear to be contradictory to the above scenario, the fact is there a time when a woman simply needs a man to be a man and assure her that he can handle a situation. We like to feel cared for. We’re not talking about putting out the rubbish or changing a tyre here, but more sensitive areas. Step up, step in, take over and do for her what she needs. Not a chance or excuse to become controlling so don’t play this card incessantly – use it rarely and when needed.
One of the hardest parts of navigating through a break up, is all the other relationships that have spawned from you and your Ex Partner. Their parents, siblings and their crew of BFFs.
Sometimes, sides can be taken. Not only do you have to divvy up the joined DVD collection, you may need to divvy up friends and family. That’s the super sucky part of break ups. All the other little break ups that may have to happen because of your big break up.
So where the hell do you start?
Just as there is no specific time frame for how long it will take your heart to heal, there is no specific time frame as to when, where and how you now work the new dynamics.
Take it from someone who’s navigated two major break ups, (one being a broken engagement). You can keep your relationship intake with friends and family, even if the foundation on which it was built no longer exists. However, there are some suggested guidelines that are going to help.
ASK FOR SPACE
You are well within your rights to tell anyone and everyone you need space. Especially from those closest to your ex. The last thing you need is his best friend all up in your business asking how you are doing and filling you in on how your ex is doing. I’ve had ex’s family members apologise on behalf of my ex. It doesn’t change anything. We live in a text message world but if you have grown close to his family and his friends a phone call is so much more personal and gives you the opportunity to explain why you want some space for the moment. Hopefully, they respect your wishes and ideally will be there for you when you decide you are ready to speak to or see them again.
NO GO ZONES
You can talk about anything under the sun… just not your ex. Your ex needs to be like in the Harry Potter Series. He, whose name shall not be spoken. If you have other common interests beyond your ex then it will be a breeze. Yes the temptation will be there to ask how your ex is doing but is that what you really want? There will be people who you truly want to stay close to. Those relationships will be the hardest – if you let them be. Should the ex happen to come up you can choose if you really need that information. Remember its okay to say you don’t want to know.
Like all relationships, they can change and grow into something different. After a break up we are all a little different. We change and grow. Our closest high school chums are just some kids we used to hang around with. You can still go to dinner or brunch with them. Perhaps they do want to try that new aerial yoga pop up that’s in town. Make the new memories that are just for you two.
And sometimes we can’t hold onto those old relationships because they are just to hard to maintain without the foundation. Possibly even a little too weird. Can you imagine a time in the future when you are with someone else? Would having a relationship with your ex-mother in law where you still spoke every other week work? How would you feel if your new partner still has strong ties with their ex’s family and friends? All things that will become clearer as time goes on.
Can You Stay Friends With Your Ex Partner’s Family and Friends? Sometimes those people who you had over for dinner every week, turn into people that you just wish happy birthday on facebook once in a while.
Remember that famous dinner party scene from Bridget Jones’ Diary when she is surrounded by ‘smug marrieds’ and each couple takes it in turns to gloat over their lovely coupledom status whilst wagging the finger at poor, sad Bridget. Such a funny scene but the truth underneath the witty script is that it’s not funny when you feel you are the ‘sad singleton’ at the table.
The fact is that even today, more than twenty years on since the movie was made, nothing much has changed for many 30 something women looking to settle down.
Blame it on hormones or society’s expectations, but when the clock starts ticking, it can boom loud and clear on every level. Everywhere you go it seems society is mocking you. Friends announce weddings, babies are conceived and christened and meanwhile, you are the one left looking on, wondering when it’s going to be your turn.
For those going through ticking clock syndrome, the overwhelming emotion is fear. It stems from a dissonance with the way things are right now and the way you want them to be. Fear creeps in and grips like an iron rod, fuelled by negative self-talk.
“I’m going to be alone forever.”
“I’ll never have a baby”
“I’m not worthy”
and even …
“I’m ugly, unlovable, nobody wants me.”
It’s at this point that mistakes can get made. Jumping into a relationship with the wrong guy, putting up with unacceptable behaviours, settling for less. The list goes on. What I’m here to tell you is STOP. RIGHT. THERE.. read this first.
Relax and let go. Replace that negative self-talk with positive affirmations. Tell yourself, “I am worthy of love,” “I will find love when it is the right time for me”, “There is someone out there”. Hand over the responsibility of choosing – trust and let go and take comfort that things will happen for you as they are meant to – all in good time.
2. Get busy
They say life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans. Well so does love. Take a blank piece of paper and a pen and write down 5 things you really want to do while you are single – and make a plan and a timeline to do them. If you’ve always wanted to climb Mount Everest, put it down as a goal then work out your budget and timeline and get going. Making the most of being single will empower you and uplift you – and that in itself is extremely attractive. They say love comes calling when you least expect it. So get busy and get on with loving your own life first and you will be more open to love when it turns up.
3. Reach out
Instead of focusing on meeting ‘the one’, focus on meeting new people. If your friends are getting married, coupled up and having babies, then branch out to meet new people who you may have more in common with at this stage of your life. It doesn’t mean you leave your old friends behind, just expand your circle. Join a book club, take up a sailing or language course – do something you have always wanted to do. Gaining a new skill can give you a fresh take on life and something to look forward to in your spare time.
4. Write it down
Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be very healing. It can give you a chance to put words around your emotions and view them at a distance, rather than holding onto them, giving you perspective. Treat yourself to a beautiful notebook and pen and get writing.
If you are Married or you have been cohabitating for a long period and have joint finances and/or children, you need a very clear, defined strategy. Before you separate!
Separating from a narcissist, regardless if the decision was yours or theirs:
Your separation will not be amicable
Their goal is to win at all costs
There will be no regard of the pain they will inflict on you or your children
Separating from a narcissist, regardless of the reasons for the separation, nothing matters apart from their needs. Your needs, the children’s needs, unfortunately, they don’t matter, as its simply all about them.
If you understand this before you leave the relationship you will better equipped with what is to follow. If you are still in denial, it may be time to step into the reality of the matter. As tough as that is, its the only option for the sake of you and the children.
Ensure Your Physical Safety During Separation
When you leave a narcissistic partner, regardless of how bad their behaviour is, they don’t see their bad behaviour as the core of this separation. For narcissists, a separation will escalate their core issue, which is fear of abandonment. If you are concerned about yours and your children’s physical safety, ensure you inform your lawyer and/or therapist before even discussing divorce with your partner. If you feel unsafe, report your partner’s behaviour to your Lawyer and or police. If necessary implement a Restraining Order.
1. Open an Armageddon Fund
If you do not have access to all funds, this is a critical MUST. You must begin to add as much money to your account as you can. If you don’t have access to all funds this is Financial Abuse, and your partner will only increase their financial control if they suspect you are going to leave them.
2. Employ a Lawyer Who Understands Narcissism
If your lawyer does not understand Narcissism in its entirety, you have lost before you have started. Your lawyer must have a deep understanding of narcissists behaviour, to ensure your plan is strategic to be a step ahead of the narcissist.
3. Essential Self Care for Success
Love yourself enough to hire professionals. A Divorce Coach and/or Therapist, to guide you, to be by your side helping you make sound, logical decisions to make your future as abundant as humanly possible.
4. Everything Will Be Your Fault
Regardless if your partner had affairs, gambled or was violent towards you. Whatever their bad behaviour they demonstrated throughout the marriage, the Divorce will be all your fault. This is a key characteristic of narcissists.
5. The Narcissist Must Win At All Costs
It doesn’t matter the collateral damage to you or more importantly the children, all that matters is winning. This is truly a time you simply stand up to your partner, as they will absolutely bully you.
6. Narcissist Do Not Have Empathy
Definition of empathy ‘The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.’ Narcissists experience emotion but they do not feel them, which is how they can inflict so much pain on others and can keep going about their lives.
7. Lying To Benefit Their Case
Remember narcissists are the world’s best. They have lied to you and can lie to the judge. They can turn you into a pill-popping, alcoholic, neglectful person in the blink of an eye, and ensure everybody you have ever met starts to believe these lies are fact! Try to live a pristine social life during your divorce, as they will do anything to gain an advantage, regardless of the collateral pain and damage they cause. This includes anything that you post on social media.
8.Think Strategically Not Reactively or Emotionally
‘Stop & Think’ is my advice to anybody when Divorcing a narcissist. Every conversation, every action during this time is planned to gain a negative reaction from you, that they can use to their advantage in court. Just remember the two words – Stop & Think!
9. Save All Documents
Keep all abusive emails, text’s, phone recordings in the ‘Just in case’ file in the event you have to go Court.
10. Nothing is Going To Be Fair, Rational or Logical
Once you fully believe this, you are ready to take on your partner on a level playing field.
If you are separated or about to separate and feel you need some support, please do not hesitate to reach out to me or a Therapist, as a Divorce may be the most important transaction you do in your entire life. Make sure you have support so you don’t have any regrets once this difficult time has passed, which believe it or not, it will.
Growing up, we quickly learn the fundamentals of friendship and which values are important, such as trust, being there for one another, and supporting your friends through the good and the bad times. When that all-important time arrives and boys get involved, it soon becomes apparent that friendships can be distorted beyond what we accepted as the norm.
It seems natural that in our youthful innocence and amid the flush of first love we can be absorbed by the boys in our lives at the cost of our friendships. Usually, our sanity intervenes and we return to the sisterhood, often when something comes up in life and we realise the importance of friendships.
At some point in the journey, you may be faced with the uncomfortable situation of being attracted to a man who is just not that into you and, in fact, fancies your friend. Like many women, I have been faced with this scenario—from both sides. I have been the fancied one while my friend can barely see straight for her overwhelming infatuation; and sadly, I have been the green-eyed woman longing for a man’s attention—a man utterly captivated by my blonde-haired beauty of a friend.
At the end of the day, we want what we want. Sometimes without rhyme or reason.
However, the sisterhood has an unwritten code that ensures we behave as good friends and even good wingwomen. The code reminds us of our childhood values, instilled at an early age when we were introduced to the fundamentals of how to treat others. The code keeps us on track when we might otherwise be blinded by desire.
For those who missed the sisterhood code and are uncertain about how to be a good friend in awkward situations like this, it would be my pleasure to share the code. Adherence to the code will help you be a successful wingwoman and understand what is acceptable in this fluid age of dating.
He Digs You, Not Your Friend
If your friend fancies a guy, and yet he is paying you all the attention, back it up, back it up! It’s easy to engage with a man who is flirting and its always flattering to be the object of someone else’s desire but be the better woman. Remember the long-term cost of your actions and the hurt it will cause your friend. Be polite to the guy but do not engage!
There Can Be Only One
If you are in the situation where you both fancy the same guy, then sure, it’s game on. But be mindful of your friend’s feelings. One of you will walk away without the prize and you need to be prepared for either eventuality. Rejection and hurt feelings are inevitable here. Is it worth it?
If you decide that it is and you end up with the guy, there can never be any gloating and your friend’s feeling must be treated delicately. In my opinion, it’s a game best not played as there can never be any true winners.
She’s Got This
If your friend is being chatted up, embrace it and allow the conversation to run its course! Don’t be a hand-brake and interrupt, and never, ever try to get his attention. Women who do this demonstrate their lack of self-esteem and it is simply uncool.
Be Her Biggest Fan
Don’t embarrass your friend in front of any guy. Not ever. If you are going to tell a story about her make sure it’s one that shows her in a positive light and homes in on her great attributes.
Life and love are hard enough without having to navigate mines dropped by other members of the sisterhood. If you truly value friendship and love your friend it’s time to woman up—being a good and supportive friend will make the search for romance a shared journey.
Stay loyal, keep your friends close and remind yourself that no guy should ever be allowed to come between friends.
So you thought you found the one, maybe you did, maybe you even married him, or perhaps you were getting close. But over time, he’s turned out not to be the person you thought he was. Cracks are showing in his prince charming armour, revealing parts of his personality that you have started to question, or that feel uncomfortable to you. His behaviour has changed, or is it just that now you see him for who he truly is?
The fact is that we have all been there. When we first meet our new beau, we are ruled by our hormones. Oxytocin combines with dopamine and testosterone to create a powerful love cocktail but when this wears off, we are faced with reality and this is when we can begin to see our loved one as who they really are, warts and all.
In healthy, functioning relationships, this is where the real work starts – when you knuckle down, nut out your differences and start to build your (real) life together. In the majority of cases, this is the norm, however, in some instances, there are some very clear indications that it is time to say goodbye. In my experience, there are some common deal breakers that indicate it may be time to move on:
TOP 4 DEAL BREAKERS:
ALCOHOL & DRUGS
Often at the start of a relationship, we may enjoy a few drinks with our new partner – it can help to ease nerves and facilitate the conversation. However, if alcohol and/or drugs are a regular feature of your relationship, or your partner has a habit he can’t kick, then it’s time to nip it in the bud. Alcohol and drugs have a whole set of side effects can inhibit the growth of a healthy functioning relationship and so it is important to seek professional help.
We all like to feel in control of our lives and of our choices, but if your partner exhibits controlling behaviour, take note. Controlling behaviour can be very subtle and express itself in many ways. It can include; restricting your access to your friends, expressing a preference over how you dress or behave or even how you speak. My advice is to listen to your gut. Controlling behaviour carries with it a strong feeling of discomfort. It is essentially someone stepping over your boundaries. What’s important is to speak up and explain that this is not OK with you. If this continues, then it might be time to end the relationship.
‘Controlling behaviour can be very subtle and express itself in many ways’ – MELISSA FERRARI
ANGER AND VIOLENCE
If your partner has ever used physical force to hit you or lash out, then this is a clear warning sign you need to remove yourself from the situation. Your partner will need to seek professional help to change his behaviour. Sometimes, anger and violence can be less obvious – it can be verbal, through the use of hurtful words or indirectly aggressive, such as throwing an object or breaking something. It can sometimes be hard to leave, especially if your partner is remorseful afterwards but a violent relationship has no future.
Committed, healthy relationships are based on trust. If your partner lies to you, it shows a lack of respect for you as a person and for the relationship, you have together. From hiding spending habits, telling lies about where he is or who he is with, lies can de-rail trust. We all want to feel we are in a secure and loving relationship, but if your partner is lying to you, it may be time to move on and find the partner you deserve.
Would you say that you are a stiletto kind of girl, or are you more of the ballet-flat type who cringes at the thought of tottering around in uncomfortable heels? Some of us prefer the even more laidback look of a pair of well-worn kicks and aren’t bothered by a couple of scuff marks.
Luckily for women, there are seemingly endless numbers of shoes from which to choose—shoes for all weather, moods and personalities. This abundance of choice was exactly what Ms Pink discovered when she returned to the dating scene after her divorce.
When Ms Pink found herself back in the dating game she struggled with how best to explain her situation to her impressionable daughter in a way that would resonate with her. In the end she settled on a shoe analogy. If she settled for cozy, lounge-about-the-house ugg boots there are certain things she’d end up missing out on, but if she stuck to stilettos day in and day out she’d have bunions in no time.
It was Ms Pink’s entertaining search for the right shoe—the blisters and swollen feet that went along with the learning and laughter—which prompted her to write about her dating journey in her book, Why Men Are Like Shoes.
When I asked Ms Pink what advice she has for women who are dating and looking for their wearable yet stylish shoe, she kindly provided me with her top three tips.
TOP 3 MS PINK’S TIPS:
MULTIPLES ARE OK
Don’t let anyone make you feel bad that you have tried on multiple shoes. Society tends to dictate what you can and can’t do. Make sure it works for you. It’s ok to shop around. Women not being free to date as many men as it takes is a societal judgement that we should be striving to dispel.
TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED
Take the time to discover what type of shoe suits you and be clear on what fits. We often rush to the bargain bin but if you really want a brand new pair of Italian boots make sure you know exactly what that looks like. Stop and think before you head out to the shops. Be prepared to try on many pairs before you find the right fit. Work out what you can compromise on and what you can’t. Can you tolerate a little bit of constriction across the toes in a pair of show-stopping glass slippers or do you need a trusty pair of flats in which you can walk for miles? Some pairs will give you blisters, some will scuff all too soon, and some will just be ill-fitting in an indefinable way. It takes time to find the right fit—that’s why there’s a returns policy.
Make the most of your shopping spree whether you are in it for a relationship or for friendship. Enjoy the process, share your experiences with your friends and family.
Ms Pink’s recently released book can be purchased here. You are guaranteed some laughter and a number of a-ha-moments and you might even find some insight into what kind of shoe is going to be best for you.
Firstly, I am not a psychologist nor a psychiatrist, what I am is a woman who was married to a narcissist, and survived. Just.
My husband never raised his voice, never raised a fist to hit me, as he didn’t need to. His weapon was the most dangerous of all, his sharp, acerbic tongue, cutting through my heart leaving a scar deadlier than any knife could wield.
My marriage ended suddenly and totally unexpectedly. I was left literally, with our much loved and planned for eight-week-old baby daughter to raise alone. Overnight I was discarded, losing my husband, my marriage, my home, my career in the financial markets of Hong Kong, and everything I had known for 6 years. My life as an exciting expatriate in Hong Kong was suddenly over. Sitting on the Qantas flight home to my loving family in Australia, I kept thinking ‘How the fu…k did this happen?’
I was left confused, angry and over time, unsurprisingly, became depressed. It took me years to understand what had really happened. This is WHY I became a Divorce & Narcissist Recovery Coach. I am the missing part that would have kept me semi-sane, and guided me to make much more sound decisions for my future. It is hard for anyone to understand what it feels like, discovering your partner is a narcissist if you haven’t had the misfortune to experience it.
When I was trying to understand my relationship, reading many articles on Narcissism were confusing, as they focused on personalities traits of rage and violence, which my husband did not display any of these characteristics, yet he was an extreme narcissist.
If you think you are going crazy in a relationship please keep reading, as you might suspect the problem in your relationship is you are dating or married to a narcissist? They are so very clever at not revealing their true self to you until they know they have you completely blinded by their immense spell. They only display who they think you want them to be. They are in a way chameleons, modifying their behaviour to whatever the situation may require
A RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST IS BROKEN DOWN INTO THREE MAIN STAGES:
STAGE NO. 1: THE LOVE BOMBING PHASE
Most relationships with narcissists begin in an intensive, almost obsessive cloud of love. Think of this time as the ‘love fest’. So much so, it appears at times they are too good to be true. You may not be familiar with this much attention and total adoration, but after a while, you begin to think – ‘Why not, let’s enjoy this?’
I’m sure your partner was charming, immaculately groomed, a high achiever, and basically, you could not have created this person to be more perfect? You cannot believe your luck! Finding somebody so in tune with you, your beliefs and your dreams of your future. They are truly perfect. You feel as if you are existing in a cocoon, which is sublimely perfect.
Within a very short time-span, you are convinced ‘He or She is the one!’
For the first time in your life, you have let down your boundaries, that up until this point, have been quite rigid in your past relationships. You know you are confident and self-sufficient, and until this relationship, you have been extremely cautious as to who you allowed into your life.
Your partner showers you with attention, and you both can’t stand to be apart for too long, as you are simply too in love. Normally you appreciate your own space and your own company, yet this time you decide to throw caution to the wind.
‘This is different; it feels magical?’
‘My partner adores me?’ and you know this feeling is overpowering, like a drug. You both can’t get enough of each other. You can talk until the sun rises, as you are so comfortable and relaxed in their company.
You can remain in the Love Phase for various time-frames. It could be simply days or weeks, or it could be months or many years or as it was with me. Life and your relationship begin to change, very slowly and subtly, as you enter stage no 2.
STAGE NO. 2: THE DEVALUE STAGE Why would they do such a thing when they are meant to love you?To have total control over you.
Their goal is to decimate your confidence, your self-esteem, your sense of self, the person you have always been, up until this point in time. This is where the corrosion of you begins. They begin slowly and subtly, with a continuous and sustained verbal onslaught, systematically and insidiously planned.
You may not understand why or how your partner, the one that initially was so supporting, nurturing and loving has turned into this cold and cruel individual, who you will do anything for, to keep the relationship intact.
Your partner makes it clear they do not like your family or your closest friends, the ones that have only your best interest at heart? They are so rude when in their presence and make every situation so uncomfortable when you are out with your friends or family, that the easiest way to keep the peace in your relationship, is to stop socializing. By this time, your friends and family are worried and concerned for you, and the brave ones voice their concerns to you. But you dismiss their concern. Even though you know something is not right, you play down the situation, as you love your partner so deeply. However, you acquiesce to your partner’s pressure and cease socialising, as you will do Anything for a peaceful life.
Are you seeing similarities with your life?‘Are you recognizing some signs and feel you could be dating or married to a Narcissist?’
What you may be unaware of, is that your partner has won here if you cut off your family and friends, as this was the desired outcome your partner needs, to prevent you from having your family and closest friends remain in your life.
This is how they begin to isolate you and begin to erode your confidence, to ensure you succumb to their ever-increasing demands. This is the beginning of their total dominance and control over you. If you are not married at this stage, you are extremely fortunate and may I suggest to lace up your Nike’s and RUN, RUN, RUN, as fast as you can.
They then may step up to the next step and begin criticising your personal appearance. It could be your hairstyle, your make-up or clothes. One of my clients told me her husband said ‘I don’t like it when you wear make-up, as you are not very good at applying it?’ He didn’t want her to shine, as she is simply beautiful.
Whatever your partner doesn’t like, they will insist you modify it. If you are a woman and wearing something revealing – or sexy, they will be so threatened that they demand you change? This goes against everything you believe in, yet you acquiesce and adapt your appearance to once again keep your partner happy. This is so against all of your principals of who you are. Yet again, you do it. Anything for a peaceful life.
STAGE NO. 3: THE DISGARDED STAGE
There will come a time when your use-by-date expires. A partner of a narcissist’s role is to fulfil a need. When the need is satiated, you will be discarded. At the beginning of your relationship, you were put on a pedestal, adored by your partner. Gradually, over time, your pedestal fell to earth bit by bit, until you have had the pedestal knocked out from under your feet, swiftly.
Once the narcissist makes up their mind, you will be discarded quicker than throwing out yesterday’s newspaper. It will be swift and merciless, as you will be reeling by the calculating cold-blooded cruelty they will display. It’s as if they can’t feel anything, they appear to be inhuman, devoid of empathy.
If you try and oppose them, they will begin a relentless campaign to destroy you. Their capacity to cause damage to the ones they were meant to love is infinite. All that matters is the one and only person they care about – themselves. Their wrath has no end, and remember they have no empathy so they simply DON’T CARE.
From one who has experienced this, if you have been discarded without warning, ensure you seek help from a Divorce Coach or Therapist, to assist in your recovery from this hellish experience. You will need this to understand on a deeper level, that it’s not you who are inept, its simply you were in a relationship with a Narcissist.
It is unlikely your partner will ever change.
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If by reading my Blog you feel you are in a relationship with a Narcissist and need some guidance, please reach out to me or begin by downloading my FREE Yourself from A Narcissist program today.