As the Founder of Outrageous Freedom, Allyson Roberts uses her intuitive superpowers to help those feeling stuck, or those suffering on their path to finally meet their soul, or reconnect with it, so that old patterns can drop away, and they can begin to give power to their lives.
You’re Fine. I’m Fine. We’re Fine. Breaking the code of co-dependency.
This month we are exploring authenticity. It’s impossible to be your true self and be co-dependent. You’re either one or the other. Before you slip into self-judgement or fear, let’s further examine this together.
Imagine this. You are at a party. You’ve worked all week. You’ve met impossible deadlines. Your two children both had sporting events and choir recitals. You rushed from work, fought traffic, bought fast food, changed clothes in the car. Your spouse showed up at the last minute to every event escaping the long to-do list and near impossible tasks associated with managing your family. When someone makes a comment about how difficult it must be for the both of you to run around town, never missing a beat, you smile and nod, allowing him to take the credit. This is co-dependence.
Most people are confused by co-dependence believing that it’s only present when a partner is struggling with addiction. This simply isn’t true. It can show up in any person, at any time, in any family or relationship.
How do you know if you are co-dependent?
If you can say, “That’s me!” to four, or more, of these co-dependent traits, then you suffer with co-dependency.
You have a difficult time setting boundaries.
You have low self-esteem.
You have experienced relationship dysfunction in your family or intimate relationship.
You have social anxiety.
You have a difficult time saying no.
You rescue people – even when it doesn’t make sense.
You are easily emotionally triggered.
You want to always take care of other people.
You find communicating your feelings honestly to be a challenge.
You fixate on mistakes – your own or others.
You have a need to be liked by everyone.
You need to always be in a relationship.
You deny your own needs, wants or feelings.
You have intimacy issues.
You confuse love with pity.16.
You have a fear of abandonment.
Admitting that you suffer with co-dependency is a huge first step. Most people stay in denial of it for decades and/or they rationalize their behavior by playing the victim. Freeing oneself of co-dependency isn’t easy. In exchange for the hard, personal work comes the best reward ever. You finally get to be you. I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of a better gift.
Hello, my name is Allyson and I am a former co-dependent. During my work with this, I came to realize that I was suffering in silence. The rage inside of me from growing up in a violent, out of control household, was taking its toll on me. I needed so desperately to be loved and I was willing to do whatever it took to make that happen. Then, one day, I hit my co-dependent limit, and decided to take a long, hard look at myself, my life, my choices, and my consequences. In this process, I found three treasures that I will share with you.
In this process, I found three treasures that I will share with you.
I had to find that little girl inside of me and explore her pain. (and triumphs)
Without total honesty with myself and others, I knew I would never break free from it.
It was time to be completely self-aware and stop hiding.
The process of becoming self-aware is both delightful and scary. I had to finally own my part in everything. While I never asked to be emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally abused, I was living in the aftermath of it and it was like a dollhouse. That’s the closest I can get to explaining how it felt. Nothing was real, except my children, and everything that was made up was for survival. I pretended to be happy, in love, together, strong, independent, and a willing helper to everyone. Inside, though, I was sad, lonely and terrified. I felt like a liar…every day. It’s hard to believe this was over twenty years ago. I remember the day I woke up, though. It was April 3, 1994. my daughter was a toddler, and my life was nothing but struggle. She needed new shoes and I didn’t have the money. I refused to ask for the money to buy the shoes. I refused to go to the church closet where they gave away free clothes to single moms. I was so afraid what other people would think of me. Then, my daughter told me that her feet hurt, and after I put her to bed, I found myself on my knees crying and praying for God to help me. I heard one thing that night. “Allyson, break free from your co-dependency and your life will be amazing.” I wish I could say that it was all magical and marshmallows after that night. I wasn’t. I did go and buy her shoes the next day at a kid’s consignment shop. They were two-dollars and that was something I could afford. I did start asking for help. I found myself in prayer a lot more after that night, and I started a meal share in our community where the other single moms would share recipes, leftovers, and swap food, school supplies and other items. It worked. I felt the first chains break. What is something you can do today that is completely different from what you’ve always done?
If you would like more information on working with your inner child, I’d love to hear from you.
Please reach out. A great way to get started is to order my new book The Magic in Youdue out in July. You can pre-order your copy here ← and if you order before June 15th 2019, you’ll receive The Magic in You meditation delivered to your inbox.
In our quest for “easy fixes,” we can make it so difficult, yes? We want to feel better “RIGHT NOW!” Yet, somehow, that almost gets in the way of us actually feeling better right now. The want becomes so much louder than the actual experience. What causes this? Our inner-child.
Your inner-child is your wounded self that never got answers for their pain. Your inner-child is the part of you that is waiting by the door for dad to pick them up for his visitation – and he never comes. Your inner-child is the one that was never picked for teams on the playground. Your inner-child is crying in the corner listening to dad and mom argue.
Too many of us are afraid to go inside and rescue this hurt child so we look to everyone and everything outside of us to heal the pain. I’ve even had clients look me straight in the eye and adamantly say, “No way, Allyson! I’m not digging up all that crap!”
For starters, it’s not “crap”. We all have unhealed childhood pain. The question I must ask is this – How much pain are you willing to continue enduring before the risk of living your current life is greater than the risk of looking at your past pain? In other words, how bad does it have to get?
Healing our inner-child takes work. First, though, you have to be willing to look at your life patterns and see what is not working for you anymore. Do you job hop? There’s a reason. Do you relationship hop? There’s a reason. Are you terrible with money – broke all the time? There’s a reason. Do you choose “bad” people? There’s a reason. Do you move all the time? There’s a reason. Are you sad without a real explanation? There’s a reason.
A hurt inner-child blames everyone and everything. A hurt inner-child refuses to take responsibility. A hurt inner-child plays the victim, refusing to understand the part they play in everything that happens in their adult life.
A hurt inner-child is running your show if you can relate to the following:
You’re afraid to speak your truth.
There is constant drama – either created by you or others.
You are overwhelmed, exhausted, and see no way out.
There is family drama that goes unresolved – and you feel stuck.
Your dreams go unfulfilled.
There’s no financial plan for your future.
You’re constantly worried about money for no tangible reason.
You won’t leave the house.
You tolerate mistreatment and make excuses for other’s behaviors.
You accept blame for things that aren’t your fault just to keep peace.
You can’t say, “no.”
Your kids are out of control.
Your house is a chaotic mess.
If you can relate to four, or more, of the above, then your hurt inner-child is running your life.
Hurt children scream for attention – as they should.
If your inner-child is hurting, there are three things you’re doing that are keeping the hurt intact.
Ignoring the fact that your inner-child exists.
Scolding or blaming your inner-child for creating issues.
Acknowledging your inner-child, but then disregarding him/her.
If you see yourself in this scenario, there is no time like the present, and Spring-time, to being working with your inner-child’s pain. Your child needs YOU to take control with love, compassion, and understanding. Your inner child has an entire story to tell you. The miracle beyond miracles is that your inner child will tell YOU exactly what they need to begin healing – and the results are immediate when you commit to your relationship with them. (People fail at inner-child healing when they refuse to focus on the solution and stay in their pain.)
If you want to learn more about inner-child healing, please subscribe to my YouTube channel.
Have you created vision boards and lists of what your life is “supposed” to look like? Do you walk around citing affirmations? Is the vision for a better life carried around in your mind, day after day, and you long to be finally free from corporate America? Maybe you have a wish list for that amazing relationship. How about mantras for the debt-free life you’re craving? Congratulations! You are on the right path, but before you stop reading, there are three more steps you need to take before your life can transform your dreams from fantasy island to reality.
It’s hard to believe that just ten years ago I was chained to a corporate job that kept me on my cell 24-7. Sadly, I’m not exaggerating. Vacations, days with my daughter and even relationships were all put at risk because I would not separate myself from the responsibilities of my job. I can blame my boss, or the company, all day long, but the truth is all my self-worth was tied to that job. My co-workers and managers were in awe of my devotion, skill, and sales. Sales trainers would tell the new hires, “If you want to succeed in this company, this is the person you need to model yourself after.” There was a time when I won awards, trips, cash, and more. And I was living a nightmare, not my dreams.
You can have the car, the clothes, the accolades, but if your dreams aren’t being fulfilled, you will feel that you’re living your life without purpose. That purpose will have you searching everywhere. And you will make excuses for your life.
Do you know what it takes to live the life of your dreams?
The first step is to decide what it is you don’t want.
It may sound crazy, but most don’t see the picture of what is wanted, until they see what isn’t working. I call this – clearing the mind clutter. So, here is the first ingredient to your secret sauce. You must determine what you don’t want first, and then immediately begin eliminating them from your life. While it can be scary, it’s also liberating. It’s the first step to showing the Universe that you’re ready to live your dreams and have the life you want, not the one you’ve trained yourself to tolerate.
Second, you need to feel your feelings.
Do you believe the mantras you’re saying? A client walked around her house one-hundred pounds overweight saying, “I am thin, I am my perfect weight.” Her husband asked, “Do you believe what you’re saying?” Her response, “No, not really.” This is what led them to me. Don’t be the person spouting off affirmations thinking that the words alone will get you where you want to go. Believe what you’re saying before you can speak affirmations into your life.
While affirmations are important, if they are just words with no faith behind them, you are only going to grow increasingly frustrated, and it could lead you to giving up on your dreams altogether. Before that happens, schedule some time with me. Together we can get you in a place where you believe what you’re saying, and where affirmations will help you achieve your dreams, but you need to know how to apply them effectively to your life.
The third step is to use this method – Ask, Listen, Obey.
Everyone is a co-creators with God. When you are negative, you create negativity. Being positive, creates positivity. If you are up and down and all over the place, you attract situations and people that leave you feeling up, down, and all over the place. It’s not fiction, it’s true. Don’t believe me, walk into a store and treat everyone in there disrespectfully. See what happens. Then, if you are brave, a few moments later, when different people are in the store, walk back in and treat everyone with love and kindness. Witness their reaction. Your day-to-day life is no different. Of course, there are some exceptions. There are those people in the world who are just rude, but that’s for another blog.
As a co-creator, if you want a different life, you must practice this on a daily basis. Get quiet. Ask God, “What is my next step to accomplish (fill in the blank)?” Listen. You can also do what I call “active listening” which is journaling or free writing. Write whatever comes to you. Then, pray on it. (Prayer is a form of listening.) Third, if you are guided to call an old friend or wait to make a purchase, for example, then by all means, follow what you’ve been told. In prayer, time is of the essence. Don’t hesitate.
Do you feel at times that you are this amazing person, with amazing gifts, so why aren’t you living your amazing life?
Did you know that there are only 3 key elements that stand in your way from living the life you’re tolerating and stepping into the life you deeply desire?
Are you ready to find your purpose?
I know, I know. You may be saying, “Allyson, I DO love myself!” All I can say is this, if you love yourself and you’re not in love with the life you’re living, then something is off because self-love and loving your life go in hand-in-hand.
You bring value to the table! Yes, you! How are you showing up in the world? If you are feeling “less than,” then it’s time to take a look at how you see yourself. Number one – STOP comparing yourself to anyone.
God created a magical being that is you!
So many people confuse this with anger or “being a bitch.” You know it’s so much more than that, and as a matter of fact, it has nothing to do with anger. Anger may have been the catalyst that opened the door to your power, but when you stand in your true power, there is no more anger. In fact, you RISE with JOY and it feels AMAZING.
If you want to live “in our purpose,” you must first live ON-purpose and this means aligning yourself to Love, Worth, and Power appropriately.
One of the ways you can begin doing this TODAY, is to think about your next steps to your pupose in life. I’ve so been there just feeling completely lost, and, at the same time, knowing it was time to make my impact in the world.
Why don’t we schedule some time together? I’ve held every Friday open for you. If you want to talk for 30 minutes, and let’s see if one session with me, or more, is the answer you need. I DON’T sell on these calls. I don’t trick you or coerce you.
Intuitively, I will tell you what I see is going on with you, and what it’s going to take to get you (back) on the right path. Sometimes our free call is all you need, and I’m good with that. This call is NOT for you if you are simply seeking free intuitive guidance.
Do you wonder about messages from angels, if they are real, and how to communicate with the angelic realm? If you are anything like me, I think about my angels all the time. If you are new to this way of thinking, welcome aboard!
Today, I’m going to teach you how angels communicate with you, why they do it, and how to know it’s an angel reaching out to you as opposed to other types of spiritual guidance.
First, and foremost, angels love feathers. They can be blue, white, gold, pink, yellow, orange or any other color imaginable. I have an entire vision board filled with feathers I’ve collected over the years. It’s fascinating to me how they show up, where I find them, and the timing of the angels. It’s always purposeful and perfect. Remember this.
Second, for those who may miss their feather, or are visually impaired, angels show themselves through the scent of roses. One of my clients, who gets physically ill-smelling flowery scents, receives a chocolate chip cookie scent from her angels. You see, they will work with you, however, you connect best, to peace, love, security, and your soul.
Third, have you ever noticed your pet looking into the corner of a room, or up at the ceiling as if someone is calling to them? They may even tilt their head slightly, rise and rest on their hind legs or paw at something that “isn’t there.” Animals are the purest souls on the planet. Their connection to the angelic is one that we will never understand. If you’ve lost a loved one recently, or are going through a tough time, and see your pet doing this, rest assured, your angel is making its presence known.
The fourth way to know your angel is present is through music. If you begin to hear the same song repeatedly, listen to the lyrics or research who wrote the song, where it was recorded, and the year it was released. I promise that all, or one of these, will direct you in some way.
A huge sign the angels give us, especially in today’s busy world, is numbers. If you see the same number every time you look at the clock, or it’s displayed on license plates, menus or your purchase tickets, know, FOR CERTAIN, that your angels are saying, “Hey! We have a message for you!” The best way to understand the message is to simply look up the numbers through a numerology search, or “angel numbers” search. For instance, 77 means that money is coming to you, while 44 means you are on the right path.
Did you know that you can also ask your angels for a sign?
Be very specific in what you want them to show you and make it something you don’t ordinarily see. A good example of this is a flying pig, or if you live in a mountainous area, ask to see a sand dollar. The more specific you are in your request, the better odds of seeing your sign.
As I was walking through a parking lot the other day, I heard a man screaming into his cellphone, “It’s time to settle the score. I’m sick and tired of this!” He was using a lot of foul language, and it was obvious he was beyond enraged. It scared me.
I quickly entered my car, locked the doors, and drove away. It was a moment that started me thinking.
What is it, exactly, to “settle a score?” The definition tells us it means to punish someone for something they’ve done in the past that you can’t forgive.
The man’s face and voice stuck with me. I knew it was no coincidence that I had encountered him, and his rage, that particular day. I knew I needed to dig in.
So, I meditated. I asked my angels, guides, and masters for guidance. It was a deep internal journey. I also asked myself some tough questions. The more questions I asked, the more seemed to come up. It caused me to sort through some seriously dirty laundry of my own.
So, why am I sharing this with you? Too often, when we are shaken up by someone else’s behavior, we don’t take it as a sign from our angels to pay attention. Instead, we go into blame and judgment. We allow our fear to get the best of us. Our angels communicate with us in all sorts of ways. Often, we want our angel communication to be feathers, and feel good, and while that may be the case, angels also shake us up to get our attention.
The next time someone is rude, or a stranger is behaving in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, instead of reacting with fear or anger, I invite you to get still and go within. Ask the question, “Did this happen in my presence for a reason?” Then ask, “What do you want me to learn from this?” I promise, if your angels have a lesson for you, they will most definitely let you know.
I am a grandmother. Yes, at 53 years old, I am a grandmother. Have you ever had a title or a label that you felt you couldn’t fulfill? An obligation or duty that, while you hoped you’d do your very best, you just weren’t quite sure? Me, too.
My family and I were seated at a “hole in the wall” Thai cafe immediately following the celebration of my father’s life. It was a rough November, and a lot of unnecessary drama around my dad’s death and his service. I was worn out – physically, emotionally, and mentally. I remember thinking, “I am so very sad right now.”
Laura and Jack married in December of 2015. They hadn’t known each other for very long, and shortly after they married, they went to live in China, only to have been scammed. They lost everything…except each other and a lot of determination. Once they were back home, it just seemed that life fell right back into place for them. Even though some of their hopes and dreams weren’t realized, Jack and Laura stood ready to face the world again.
Sitting in that Thai cafe, I sort of felt as if I’d lost everything, but I reminded myself that my daughter was back home, my sister was right beside me, and I share the love of many other relatives and friends. Still. It was devastating to lose my dad, and two siblings, in the process. But, that all was about to change with three words.
Laura looked at me, and said, “Mom, I’m pregnant.” And…just like that…the dagger in my soul vanished.
Today, I am a grandmother. My grandson will grow to learn many things about his family. Some stories will confuse him, others will make him sad…some angry. But, the one story that I hope will bring him joy is this.
Wren Alexander, you are loved. You were loved before your cells were even formed. You were created in love, and you will live in love. That is my legacy to you. That is my legacy to your mother. Breaking all cycles of abuse, choosing everything with outrageous freedom, and building a mighty foundation for you so that you can pass on outrageous freedom, too.