Alexis Meads - Dating Coaching For Women | Dating Coach and Dating Expert
Dating Coach Alexis Meads helps women who are on their last straw with dating finally get the love they deserve. She helps frustrated women find confidence and clarity so they can focus on what matters most.
“You can pray to God while peeling the potatoes. Or, you can just peel the potatoes.”
My sister said this to me over the phone, as we were busy catching up from her trip to Nepal.
She lived in Nepal for five months, and was telling me the lessons she learned from the people she described as the happiest people in the world.
Of course, I wanted to know ‘the secret’.
I told my sister how much I enjoyed the philosophies behind Buddhism, but wasn’t sure how to practice on my own. I figured it was easier for the Nepalese, as they’re immersed in such a spiritual culture.
This was an excuse.
I could meditate at home. I have the Headspace app after all!
I just don’t.
I was feeling like I wasn’t doing enough.
Ugh…that dreaded word.
It came down to feeling that in this stage of my life, being busy with a 3 year old and 3 month old, as well as caring for my two dogs, home, garden, and still having any time for my husband and self-care…that it wasn’t…enough.
That by not working as hard on my business, and not putting in as many hours volunteerings for the wonderful organization TreeSisters, I wasn’t being influential in the world.
This is when she said to me, “Well there’s the famous Buddhism quote, you can pray to God while peeling the potatoes. Or, you can just peel the potatoes.”
I was intrigued.
She told me that what she learned was that you can be with God in even the most ordinary of tasks. Even just doing the task, on it’s own, is enough.
I was feeling a weird shame for ‘just being a mom’.
The woman whose family she stayed with everyone lovingly called “Aama”, or, “Mother”.
She has her own children, but was also an importantly motherly figure in the community. “And all she did, all day long, was cook and clean!” my sister exclaimed.
“Really? That’s it?” I asked.
“Yes. But she infuses that cooking and cleaning with a lot of love.”
Forget peeling potatoes. I felt as if an entire sack of potatoes fell off of my shoulders.
All of these feelings of not being enough or doing enough that have crept up on me just melted away in that single quote.
As women we’re surrounded by images and messages that we’re not enough and that we need to keep striving to have it all.
Here’s a little secret. No one has it all.
Thinking that we need to be amazing wives and mothers, continually strive in a career, have a thriving social life, a perfect morning routine or meditation practice, beautiful home, latest wardrobe trends, and stay sexy and fit…all at the same time…this idea is damaging.
I will write more on that soon.
For now, just realize that peeling the potatoes is enough.
Whatever your current focus, be it mothering, dating, learning a new skill, taking on a project at work, or just cleaning your home, can be a Zen practice.
Infused with love, nothing is ever too small to change the world.
I’ve gotten requests from a lot of women who have said, okay, I’m working on thinking more positively, but I’d love to have more tangible ways to practice self-love and self-care.
I get that.
Self-love is not just a concept in our heads. Yes, I talk a lot about releasing negative thoughts and criticism towards yourself and embracing more loving thoughts. I also talk about how our thoughts create our actions and therefore our lives. But, self-love is also a very concrete, realistic thing.
The problem is, that we’ve been taught for a long time that if we’re not constantly working hard or taking care of others, we’re being selfish.
What we’re not taught, is that taking care of yourself is taking care of others. If you don’t work on yourself, if you don’t take time for rest and relaxation, if you don’t feed your soul; you’ll be so burnt out and depleted you won’t be any help to anyone else. Least of all yourself.
Now, the below list may seem trivial at first glance. However, I promise that if you commit to putting some of them into practice, every single day, you’ll see quantum shifts in your life. I also created a free video series around self-love to help you end dating frustration forever.
Without further ado, here is my list of 25 tiny but valuable ways to practice the art of self-care.
1. Buy yourself fresh flowers
2. Clean your house or apartment
3. Organize your workspace and files
4. Take time for rest and relaxation
5. Wear red lipstick and heels just because it’s a Tuesday. I love this color!
6. Eat while focusing only on your food
7. Make a list of fun activities to do and post on your fridge
8. Repeat the following mantra “I love and accept myself”
9. Make a list of all the things you like about yourself
10. Each night before bed write in your gratitude journal
11. Start the day with 2 minutes of meditation
12. Treat yourself
13. Dress your body lovingly in a gorgeous outfit
14. Put your fork down between bites
15. Cut down on your caffeine intake
16. Make it a priority to get 8 hours of sleep
17. Read a good book
18. Do something for yourself without guilt
19. Set the mood while cooking – candles lit, music on
20. Buy something you’ve always wanted
21. Practice the art of saying “no”
22. Be of service – volunteer, help a friend, etc.
“These are for you,” he said, handing me a dozen red roses and a teddy bear before leaning in
to kiss me.
My first boyfriend, Danny, was standing in the doorway in full army fatigues.
He was picking me up on a warm Friday evening in July to take me out to dinner and a movie. We drove a half hour
to the Columbia Mall in the suburbs of Baltimore and ate at P. F. Chang’s.
It was the first time a man had properly taken me out on a date. And the first time I’d ever
eaten at P. F. Chang’s, too.
After the movie, we went back to his suite at the barracks on Fort Meade and cuddled until we
fell asleep. I was in a state of complete and utter bliss.
But that bliss didn’t last much longer. Danny and I broke up unexpectedly a couple of months later.
I was beginning my senior year of high school and, considering that I was just 17 years old
and he was 19 at the time, the two years that separated us seemed to be the force that was
driving us apart.
It took me several months, a lot of searching for perspective and multiple care packages from
my mom before my first heartbreak began to subside.
I’ve had a handful of great loves in my life. Danny was certainly one of them. We spent many
nights talking on the phone until the sun came up. He comforted me in the wake of my father’s
He was the first person I ever thought I loved.
Love is such an interesting specimen: It pervades our culture and yet it can be elusive to nail
down—and get right.
Over the years, I’ve learned so many wonderful lessons about what it
means to truly love someone. Danny and the men who followed in his footsteps have helped
me learn and grow and develop into the man I am today. In that sense, I think love only helps
cultivate more love, both for the self and for others.
Below, I share 14 lessons I’ve learned about love.
I hope they help you avoid the same mistakes and pitfalls I encountered. I hope they encourage you to open your heart and your mind to the possibilities that await you. I hope they help you find—and keep—the love you deserve.
1. No one else can complete you. Only you can do that.
Leasing out your self-worth to other people is a sure-fire way to end up emotionally bankrupt.
It’s called self-worth for a reason.
It’s imperative that you dig deep within yourself and believe in your own worthiness before you involve anyone else in the picture.
You can’t expect anyone else to fill a void inside of you. You can’t build a house on top of a foundation that’s borrowed from someone else. If they aren’t there, then you’re left with nothing. That’s what creates codependence and an unhealthy balance in a relationship.
Secure your own foundation first. Build a life that supports your happiness and it will attract the
person who complements that in a healthy way. Then, the two of you can build a home for
each other in your hearts.
And maybe one in real life, too.
2. Attachment is not love.
Attachment and love can feel similar at times, but there are some distinct differences to note:
Attachment latches on to a partner out of fear that he may leave.
Love opens the door for the partner to leave if that’s what makes him happy.Attachment is based upon the core belief that love is scarce, and therefore you likely won’t find
Love is based upon the core belief that love is abundant, and therefore it can be found again.
Attachment is based upon the extremes of “not enough” and “too much.”
Love is based upon an equilibrium of “enough-ness”—of being “just right” as it is.
Attachment feels like a cage.
Love feels like freedom.
Learn to differentiate between the two. Your heart and sanity will thank you.
3. It takes two to tango. It only takes one to forgive.
You are bound to get bumped and bruised and maybe even a little battered in this life. But it’s
up to you how long you choose to carry that baggage with you.
Forgiveness is the only way to wipe the proverbial slate clean.
No matter what happened to you in your past—no matter how rough you may have had
it—you must find the strength within you to forgive.
You only do yourself an injustice by bearing the burden of what someone else has done. You do not get to go back and rewrite the past, but you can rewrite the future. And that starts by releasing the negative energy of the
past through forgiveness.
You do not need an apology. You do not need an “I’m sorry.”
You do not need anything other than the desire to not be held captive to the negativity any longer. When you’re at that point, you’re ready to forgive.
When you finally forgive, you’re ready to welcome love into your heart.
4. Your relationship is a reflection of you.
The world mirrors you back at yourself. And nowhere is that more apparent than in your
Those faults you see in your partner are just disowned parts of you.
Those qualities you adore in your mate are qualities you admire because of your background.
The things you look for in another are based on the things you either admire or abhor most
about yourself based on your conditioning.
Your perception shapes your reality. Try to remember that what you see isn’t necessarily things
as they are but rather things as you perceive them.
This shift in perspective will help you open up to your partner’s point of view. And admit where you may need to heal as well.
(Here’s a hint: Just follow your emotional triggers.)
5. Vulnerability is the key to deep connection.
If you really want to welcome love into your life, you need to open up your heart.
And that means talking about your biggest setbacks, mistakes and heartbreaks. Truth is, we all have
them—and revealing yours is a brave show of strength, not a sign of weakness.
When you lay bare your soul in this way, you will attract profound and meaningful relationships
because you will transcend small talk and surface level connections.
Love can’t survive in the darkness that shields lies and secrets. But it thrives in the light of your
All you have to do is have the courage to share it with those you can trust. Then, watch as
your relationship flourishes.
6. You are your own person before you are a partner.
If you can’t take care of yourself, how do you expect to take care of someone else? In order to
be fully present in your relationship, you need to be fully present for yourself first.
Taking care of Numero Uno is essential so that you do not look for your relationship to serve you in ways
that you are meant to serve you.
Maintain a hobby. Invest in your core group of friends. Take care of your health. Being a good
partner starts with being good to you.
In short, put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others with theirs. You can’t be
there for someone if you can’t breathe.
7. Boundaries help enhance love. Walls lock love inside.
Boundaries are incredibly important for nurturing yourself and all your wonderful gifts. But
don’t confuse them with walls.
Here’s how they’re different:
Boundaries are transparent.
Walls are opaque.
Boundaries are healthy.
Walls are based in fear.
Boundaries are dynamic and compassionate .
Walls are immovable and stubborn.
Guest Post by: Chris Rackliffe, or @crackliffe, as he is fondly known by friends and colleagues, is an award-winning storyteller, motivator and speaker who has driven over one billion clicks and over six billion interactions as head of social media for some of the biggest magazines in the world, including Entertainment Weekly, Men’s Health, PEOPLE and more. With a B.S. in Advertising and Psychology from the University of Miami—and a Ph.D. in the School of Life—Chris tells first-person stories that cut straight to the heart. Chris has made it his sole purpose to empower and uplift others and help them find peace, perspective and power through what they’ve endured. You can read his work as published or featured in BuzzFeed, The Huffington Post, Thrive Gobal, TIME, Women’s Health and many more.
Someone in the Dating Cocktail Lounge recently posted that they’re struggling with coping through dating disappointments.
Dating can be difficult, it’s hard putting yourself out there, getting excited and then feeling let down.
I started talking to a guy off bumble and we were in the middle of planning a date for that evening when he just went silent. Never heard back again. The idea to do it that day was even his idea.
This type of behavior puts me at a lose for words. It completely ruined my mood and made me fearful of putting myself back out there.
Do you all have similar situations happen to you and how do you deal with this?
My heart went out to her because while there will always be disappointments and frustrations in life, they seem to be even more pronounced when it comes to dating.
Dating disappointments can bring up feelings of rejection – feelings that can run deep into our subconscious mind from childhood.
The actual event may be far less substantial than how the event feels.
It can trigger us in ways that leave us wondering why we even bother looking for love in the first place when it just seems so freaking hard at times.
So how do you deal with dating disappointment when it arises? How can you even turn it into a spiritual practice?
I’m going to share a series of practices that you can turn into habits. When you notice yourself feeling disappointed, instead of spiraling down or lashing out, practice the following.
Here is how to cope with dating disappointments as a spiritual practice.
The first practice is to catch your habitual pattern as early as you can.
Shift your attention by not allowing yourself to indulge in it. When you notice yourself feeling disappointed, notice the urge to go to your habitual pattern (shutting down, crying, lashing out, giving up), but pause instead of indulging it.
The next practice is to drop into the body.
Again, pause, and let yourself take a breath. Drop your attention into your body and notice the sensations of disappointment. Stay with these sensations, with curiosity.
Open up to it, relax around it, be with it. Be compassionate with this feeling. As you continue to breathe, you should notice the sensation beginning to lessen.
The third practice is to use this newfound space to reconnect.
I understand that you might be angry at the person who let you down. Your heart then becomes closed off, because you think the other person is the problem. The problem is your closed heart. Try not indulging in that shutting down, and opening yourself a little. This is a challenging but transformative practice.
Realize that the other person may be acting the way they’re acting because they are feeling some kind of pain themselves. Maybe they’re feeling insecure, anxious, worried about the future. Maybe they are hurt by a previous dating disappointment of their own. You are feeling the same thing. In this way, the two of you are connected.
The final practice is to try to find an appropriate and loving response.
You have empathized with the other person, but now you need to take action. The answer of what action to take is not always easy, but at the very least, you’re not responding from a place of anger or sheer disappointment.
Some examples of loving responses and actions are:
Choose to call, write, or message the person who disappointed you from a kind place. You can say something along the lines of, “Hey I know that you’re no longer interested. And I’m just curious what may have happened for you? That would really help me if you shared it and I’ll be okay no matter what. So if you’re afraid that I’ll be hurt, it’s actually the opposite, it would really help me to know.”
You could choose to say and do nothing, realize he’s just not your guy, and move on.
You could choose to give yourself a break from dating for a period of time.
You could choose to dive deeper into dating, but do so in a more mindful way.
You could choose to give yourself some love and self-care. Journal about your feelings, meditate on it, go for a nice walk or call a friend.
As you can see, there are many possibilities — many more than I can list here.
In the end, this stuff takes a lot of practice. But it’s immeasurably more helpful to do these practices than to lash out, drown in self-pity, or give up entirely, which doesn’t hurt the other person but yourself.
I’d love to hear from you in the comments!
Have you had a recent dating disappointment? What helped you to get through it?
Hundreds of beautiful souls come here each week and your answer may be just the thing to inspire them.
P.S. Want to get my weekly(ish) inspirational emails and video series? Join thousands of women in our community with the sign up bar below.
I began my coaching career purely as a self-love coach.
It took a long time for the meaning of self-love to really come into focus for me, as well as it’s role in relationships, but I still stand by it’s importance today.
I recently read Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly”, in which her research data proves that self-love is foundational to loving others and receiving love in return.
However, there may still be a part of you that just doesn’t know what to do with that.
You don’t feel any different.
You’re not attracting anything different.
But what you can do, what you can do right now, is shift your mindset.
Stop looking at yourself the way you’ve always looked at yourself.
We’re the first to point out everything that we think is wrong with us.
We’re the first to notice what we’re not happy with when we look in the mirror.
Starting right now, let’s change that.
The truth is, there’s nothing wrong with us. It’s not about that at all.
If there are things you’d like to improve or do differently, by all means, do that!
I have an accountability mirror where I write in chalk marker reminders of these things.
My accountability mirror includes:
“Get dressed and put on make up” (because it ALWAYS makes me feel a little better).
“Mind the Gap” (being attentive of the values I want to have versus the values I practice).
“No complaining, you are blessed.”
Self-love is about rising above everything we’ve been led to believe about ourselves as being true that we think is inherently not good enough, and starting a new belief system about ourselves.
A belief system that sees ourselves as beautiful and whole. A belief system that attracts wonderful relationships into our lives.
Love Step: Bring more awareness to your self-talk.
Notice when you start spinning out on something you said on a date.
Or if you did the wrong thing and that’s why he didn’t text.
Or if you start comparing to everyone else on Instagram who you then deem is better than you in some way or has it better than you in some way.
Learn to take a PAUSE.
Tell yourself a different story from the perspective of someone who loves you.
Example: “Alexis, I know you’re worried that you didn’t spend enough time with your three year old today and feeling badly about your role as a mother, but you were as present as you could be and he loves you. Give yourself some grace. Motherhood is hard and tomorrow is a fresh start.”
I’ve been a Professional Dating Coach for 7 years now, and had been on countless dates before that and meeting my husband. While there is no such thing as fully stress free dating, there are some key things I’ve learned to help clients date and have more fun along the way. Here are 4 things I’ve learned as a dating coach to date with more joy.
“If I can see pain in your eyes then share with me your tears. If I can see joy in your eyes then share with me your smile.” ― Santosh Kalwar
1. Dating needs to be simple.
One of my golden rules when it comes to dating is to keep it simple. With all the endless options out there today of dating apps, dating websites, and a (seemingly) endless sea of partners to choose from, it can become very complicated, very quickly.
You may find yourself overwhelmed by the number of messages you have to sift through. Or wind up dating three guys at one time, wondering if you even like any of them.
Keep it simple. Pare down.
If you’re going to online date, which personally I’m not the biggest fan of, then choose just one app to be on. Set boundaries around it regarding how much time you will spend per day, and per session. Know your goals.
2. You’re not candy.
When I was became a coach for Tony Robbin’s clients, one of my colleagues had told me that her grandmother used to say “You’re not candy. Not everyone is going to like you.”
Accepting this truth that not everyone you date is going to like you and vice versa can be liberating.
It doesn’t mean you need to fill yourself with judgment about every single date, over-analyzing all of his qualities, but just realizing that if it’s not a match for you or for him, that’s okay.
It’s quality, not quantity.
3. Use The Pause.
One of the things my clients often need the most help with is spinning out on thoughts in their head.
Should I text him, or is it too soon? Maybe I should wait until he texts me first. He hasn’t texted me yet, maybe he doesn’t even like me and I shouldn’t expect to hear from him at all. Oh f*ck it, I’ll just text him and get it over with.
We’ve all been there. I help clients to get out of their heads and back into their hearts, which sometimes means talking it through with me.
When you notice yourself spinning, take a pause. Just that pause will give you a little distance from your thoughts. Move positions: stand up, sit down, shake it out. Breathe.
4. Be determined to have fun.
What’s the point of dating if it’s not fun?
I know, you’re probably saying: so that I can meet ‘The One’.
However, if you’re not having fun, then chances are that even if you do meet The One, you may not recognize it and he won’t either.
We met my husband’s cousin for vacation a few years ago, and she said, “One of my life’s motto’s is to have fun wherever I go.”
That always stuck with me.
So on every date, be determined to have fun. Even if the date’s a bit of a dud.
At least enjoy your surroundings. Enjoy some of the conversation. Heck, even just enjoy your drink.
Obviously some of these might take some practice. But it’s worth it, because while you may not enjoy dating all the time, you can let go of the thoughts about it that are causing you to be unhappy.
And just maybe, you can find some incredible love for your experience. Yes, you can love the journey as much as you do when you get there.
P.S. Right now you can join in on the 14-Day Dating App Detox Challenge! Get it free through March 31st when you sign up at www.alexismeads.com/gift
I read loads of dating advice for women. So much of it seems to be geared toward the woman who has it all, except for her lover. I see email headlines that read, “If you are a Powerful and Confident Women who is Ready to Find the Love of your Life, Click the Link Below”. One of my personal favorites is, “You know you are a great catch, confident, funny, smart, you have awesome friends, and you know you have so much to offer the right man”.
I didn’t know any of this. What I knew is that my husband had left me with a five-year-old and a baby on the way. I had an intimate knowledge of my pitiful bank account. The feelings of despair and loneliness came in waves and I just wanted a hug.
When I began to look up dating advice in 2005, it seemed as if the cliche, you must love yourself before you can love another, was the general thought process. I bought into it. Setting out to be someone that was lovable, was my plan.
When I began to date, being authentic wasn’t even a consideration.
I could never tell anyone my financial history or that my husband had left me and everyone knew about the affair except me. My strategy was to figure out how to meet someone I was attracted to, and figure out how to please them.
This was solely based on the need for them not to leave. It was years later that I realized I wasn’t looking for love, I was looking for security. I wasn’t aware that the divorce was way more than just a heartbreak. It was traumatic experience that caused lasting effects for years to come. This does not have to be your story. Once I started doing the practices that I teach in Lets Practice Love, everything changed.
When I would have a date and begin to tell someone that asked a bit about me, I would give a watered-down overview. I made it seem as if I had healed completely and was ready to take on the world. One of my go to phrases was, “I’m in a really good place right now”.
If you have read this far and you feel as if I am telling your story, take a really deep breath. In through the nose, hold at the top, let it out through the mouth. Do this one more time. Breath in through the nose for four counts, then let it out through the mouth for four counts. Your story does have a happy ending. You do not have to have it all together, not now and not ever.
In my experience, having low self-esteem is nothing more than a thought process. I am going to go extremely slow and step-by-step in the rest of this post. While I do love a great quote, no amount of affirmations ever relieved me of my self-loathing. It took daily inspired action to change my thoughts. That being said, below is one of my favorite quotes.
A belief is just a thought you keep thinking. Abraham Hicks
I dated for a decade while trying to hide who I really was. This gave me even lower self-esteem, with the added benefit of anxiety. If you are seriously picking up what I am laying down, go ahead and join my email list. I am going to teach you how to find your love in what you “THINK” may be the worst circumstances.
When I looked around, I found all different types of people were attracting and thriving in long-term relationships. In the crazy town that is my mind, I assumed they all had good credit, high self-esteem, had never experienced trauma, and were probably just plain lucky.
Once I began to do the practices that I teach, I realized that this type of thinking, was nothing more than a coping mechanism. It was a way for me to justify others finding love and poor, pitiful me being alone. It became a way for me to continue to hide my true self from any potential suitors.
What I hoped would work, was that I would share only my desirable qualities, and by the time any of my areas of concern showed up, we would be so in love that they would pale in comparison to my fabulousness.
These are the characteristics I would lead with.
A mix of down to earth southern girl, yet super sophisticated world traveler, foodie, and fashionista.
The motivational speaker uplifter. If you are having a bad day, I know exactly how to validate your feelings. After a conversation with me you will feel heard and understood.
I am sexy and sensual. I am extremely flirty and feminine. It’s just my way. I consider this a plus.
I am a social butterfly. If you are out with me you will feel like you are with the most popular girl in town.
I workout and do yoga, so by society’s standards, I have what you would call a hot body.
These are the things that I felt were good selling points. I invite you to write yours along with me. Just do the top five. What do you go in with?
Now for the things that I had a harder time admitting.
I don’t trust people. I rarely take them at face value. If I like what they say I do, but if I don’t like it, I read whatever meaning I want to into it.
It takes quite some time for me to feel secure spending time away from a lover. I am clingy. I am needy.
I can be manipulative. I am an only child and getting my way is pretty much a thing.
If you turn me down for sex, I am probably not going to be understanding. I am going to assume you are no longer attracted to me and begin to feel resentful.
I am complicated, not easy going, and pretty much an all around pain in the ass. If I veer from the practices that I teach at all, I can have a man jumping through so many hoops that I become way more trouble than I am worth.
High self-esteem wasn’t a skill that I learned. I thought that if someone liked me, I was likable. If my parents were proud of me, I had done a good job. If men thought I was pretty, it meant that I was. If someone rejected me, it meant I was unlovable.
I took all my self-worth from my environment. I had no idea it was an inside job. Once I learned this exciting little fact, to be quite honest, I was a little salty. Then why do we partner up? What is the purpose of romantic love anyway? I felt hurt and ultimately confused.
This knowledge felt like a rock bottom for me. I was willing to do anything to find love. The one thing I was absolutely not willing to do, was to stop dating. Even though I failed time and time again, if I could just get even two weeks with someone, before they ran away or I freaked out, it was better than nothing. I was unable to sit with my feelings of fear and loneliness.
I began to read everything I could on raising my self-esteem. There were three practices that began to make a difference.
If you want higher self-esteem, do esteemable acts. – Having been through a nasty and humiliating divorce, I had become pretty much obsessed with my pain and my quest for love. My low self-esteem and my trauma was also riddled with self-centeredness. I knew I wasn’t much, but I sure was all I thought about. I began to be of service to friends, family, and anyone I could find. Everyday in my prayer and meditation, I would say send me someone to be a blessing to today. It was so amazing. I literally had people coming out of nowhere asking me to help with everything from moving, to picking up shifts at a local restaurant. I still do it today. Picking up the phone to connect with a friend, just to see if I can help.
The Hare Krishna monks that I spent time with in India kept telling me to stop thinking and to start feeling. I had no idea what they meant. The primary yoga text is called “The Yoga Sutras”. This book is lovely and arranged in verses, much like the bible. The second verse is Chitta Vritti Nirodha. This translates to, when you stop identifying with the fluctuations of the mind, then there is yoga (union – a state of oneness). Remember I said that low self-esteem is simply a thought process about oneself. I realized I didn’t have to believe my thoughts. This felt like being let out of jail. This was a very new concept to me. It felt like starting with a clean slate. The monks taught me to trust how I felt in certain situations. When I told them I didn’t like feeling vulnerable, they would just say, okay. I asked them what to do about feeling vulnerable, fearful, unworthy, or not good enough. They would just say feel it and that it would eventually pass. They were right. I began to study several spiritual paths that helped me to articulate my feelings. This was the beginning of a deeper self-awareness. This type of spiritual study made no room for low self-esteem, only spiritual growth.
I also learned what I call The Pause. Since I had began practicing not believing my thoughts just because I was thinking them, I also didn’t have to react to them either. This was difficult at first. But once I saw how effective it was, I began doing it in every part of my life. With every decision, every conversation, in my work, and especially in communication with the man in my life.
One of my teachers, Marianne Williamson, said it best. She said:
I am not so enlightened that I don’t have crazy thoughts, but I am enlightened enough not to believe that they are true.
Low self-esteem, with the right practices, doesn’t have to be a roadblock to finding love. But hiding who you really are, will stop it every time.
I am still plagued with insecurities. I do daily practices that help me to feel my way to a better way of thinking.
Author Bio: Suzie Wheeler is a blogger, dating coach, and Jivamukti Yoga Teacher. She lives in Lexington, Ky with her fourteen year old son Jack and is in constant admiration of her twenty-one year old daughter Harris, who is an amazing poet, feminist, and a leader in social consciousness.
Suzie went through a very painful divorce in 2004 and a tragic loss of her fiance to suicide in 2017. Because of the practices she teaches, she continues to show up for life and for love. She helps women who are 45+ and have lost love due to infidelity or untimely death such as illness or suicide. She helps them realize their amazing qualities and their worthiness amidst the messiness of past traumas. She will help you understand that your imperfections can be your most alluring qualities. Click the link to learn more about what Suzie teaches and how she can help you: Lets Practice Love.
I just wanted to introduce you to my new baby boy!
Our second son, Case Michael, was born on February 5th weighing in at 6 lbs and 11 oz.
He is just the sweetest baby and both myself and him are doing well.
Unlike with my first son, where I tried to steamroll over all of the uncomfortable feelings I was going through, this time I’m just allowing myself to relax and enjoy.
Right now you are most likely to find me in a rocking chair in his nursery breast feeding and reading a book or staring out the window.
When I think about my life just 10 years ago the difference between now and then is astounding.
One isn’t necessarily better than the other…but just…so different.
Ten years ago you would hardly have found me at my apartment at all. If I wasn’t at work I was attending classes, at the gym, on a date, or out for drinks with friends and coworkers.
My life was jam packed.
Today I’ve done what I never thought I’d allow myself to do.
Give myself space. Breathing room. Say no to opportunities that I’d like to say yes to. Be present. Pay attention. Attempt (and sometimes fail) to be the best mother I can be.
Sometimes in life you need to pull back and find your focus. Focusing on what matters most is hard work, but it’s the best kind of hard work. It’s the work that leaves you often exhausted but grateful, not striving to be perfect but full of grace.
This is just one season of my life. It reminds me of winter.
In the winter we go inward, we build strength, allow for peace and quiet, and get ready to bloom again.
What season are you in right now? If you were to follow your heart and find your focus, what would that be?
I’ve talked to my clients often about body language, confidence, and flirting with ease. When I looked back on my own dating life, and wondered what came naturally to meet that attracted men, I realized the real secret to flirting and meeting men in the real world.
The truth is that it’s not about looks alone.
In fact, there was a study done by researcher Dr. Monica Moore that actually showed there was NO correlation between physical attractiveness of a woman and how often she was approached by men.
She even proved that “unattractive” women with the right body language were approached more often than attractive women who did not signal correctly.
But if this doesn’t come naturally to you, how do you remember all of that body language?
If you’re out on a date and constantly thinking, “okay now lean forward a bit, make eye contact, wait…not too long with the eye contact…damnit.”
Then you’re not really being present, are you?
And that is what it’s all about with men: your presence.
When I was single I would talk to all sorts of men in the real world and on the dates that I set up through dating sites.
There wasn’t always an instant chemistry, and some of these dates didn’t lead very far.
However, I was extremely good at moving beyond the first date to a man asking me out for date number two.
I’m not the most flirtatious or feminine person in the world.
In fact, I was deeply shy through my teenage years.
And my husband and I still joke about how much I would eat during our dinner dates! He said he thought that I would starve myself all day just to eat a ton of food for him to pay for on our date.
We laugh about it now, but at the time I didn’t even think about it!
I was just being myself and I like food.
So what was this quality that I had to draw men in? To have them want to get to know me more?
This is the real secret to flirting and meeting men in the real world.
It was how I made them feel in my presence about themselves.
I would try to look nice for the dates, have fun, etc. but ultimately it was never about trying to prove myself.
I didn’t have to show them how cool, or fun, or smart, or amazing I was to get them to like me.
I simply showed an interest in them, and then could feel the chemistry building, which became almost an addictive quality for me in dating.
It made me love dating.
I can remember being at a wedding and suddenly being left alone by a mutual friend next to one of the groom’s best men.
We both found ourselves sort of staring forward a little awkwardly, unsure of what to say to one another, and not entirely wanting to be there.
A few hours later we were laughing and dancing.
All I did was begin asking questions about himself.
And then I really listened, as though he was the most interesting person in the world.
If he made a joke, I let myself laugh deeply.
This transforms the way a man views himself, while he’s around you, and that is a very powerful thing.
I don’t want you to do this for the power or the ego potential that it has, as this was a trap that I fell into at one time.
But do it because everyone is interesting at some level.