You’ve done all the work. You’ve been there & done that. You’ve come to know yourself and your past, but you still can’t resist those delicious grandiose men. Like an incredibly rich black forest gateaux, they look great, taste amazing, but after a while the glamour palls. After a few weeks of chocolate and cream, you crave a good old fashioned chicken salad with freekeh. But why, oh why do you still find yourself looking into the refridgerated shelves, staring longingly at the layers of dark chocolate, cream and sour cherries. Narcissism researchers Brunell and Campbell liken having a rel ..read more

I was shocked. My client was attractive, successful, in a good marriage with three beautiful children, but she hated herself. She felt she couldn’t do anything right. She harangued herself with a barrage of self-criticism and judgement that would deaden the most sanguine optimist. Everywhere she went, a continuous commentary accompanied her saying she was no good, and she would never amount to anything. It was exhausting. And demoralising. Every time she tried something new, made a mistake or even just tried to live a normal life…the voice would be there telling her the same depressing story ..read more

We all know that narcissists are a nightmare - but was that really meant literally? When I first left my narcissistic home (yes, I know, congratulations to me), I thought YAY! That's it. Game over. No more narcissistic mom. How naive I was. At the risk of making myself sound like a loser, I went from share house to share house, making enemies (and finding them) and skating close to homelessness and unemployment.  I was pretty unstable. It took me a looooong, loooong time to even recognise what was going on. I had moved interstate, but I had taken my narcissistic mother with me.....in ..read more

Lessons from Gremlins Everyone forgets that Gremlins is a Christmas movie. I can understand why. Who wouldn’t rather watch Jimmy Stewart running around Bedford Falls wishing everyone a Merry Merry and helping Clarence get his wings. But for me, Gremlins is the more appropriate Yuletide watch. I love the sly, campy humour and unsubtle debunking of Christmas traditions. But in terms of anti-christmas spirit, my favourite scene is the one where Kate (Phoebe Cates) tells us why she hates the holiday season. Her father’s fatal chimney abseil leaves the family with understandably mixed feelings ..read more

It doesn’t make any sense right? Unfortunately there are any number of reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. A relationship with a narcissist can come at the cost of your sense of self, but it can also be hard to leave. Many of the reasons have to do with the victim’s circumstances, including lack of resources (for example financial resources) having young children, lack of access to employment or housing, language barriers, lack of social support or family/cultural or social pressure. But in narcissistic relationships, the narcissist’s “qualities”, behaviours or traits add to the ..read more

Well, this is a biggie. When I was studying social work, many moons ago, I helped one of the presenters in a group session talking about self-esteem. The presenter handily mapped out a continuum of self-esteem levels where narcissists were sitting pretty at the high end of the spectrum. But is that actually true? Research on narcissism is a somewhat fraught area, mainly because narcissists don’t always present their vulnerable side, and - shock horror - don’t always tell the truth, including when undertaking psychological tests (well, that probably doesn’t differentiate them from the rest of t ..read more

Low self-esteem Your feelings of worthlessness didn’t come from nowhere. Although many children of narcissists don’t consciously experience these difficult feelings, they are still there, running in the background and influencing your everyday life. Your choices, your relationships and your ability to withstand stress are all affected by low self-worth. Narcissistic parents raise their children to believe that their authentic self is somehow flawed. These parents use shame to try to control their children, forcing them to meet the parent’s needs. Anything that doesn’t coincide ..read more

Yep. You heard it here first. Narcissistic families are like mini cults. Complete with charismatic leaders, submissive acolytes, mini-me’s and hangers on. Without the god-bothering, incense and group chants…at least most of the time. There’s always a lot going on under the surface in narcissistic families and most of it isn’t good. Personality disorders cause intense and unacknowledged emotions to circulate and be transferred through projection and identification. Everyone ends up being subsumed into the zeitgeist of parental dysfunction. The family’s prime directive and raison d’etre is to me ..read more

*SPOILER ALERT* In Henry James’ masterpiece, The Portrait of a Lady, the rather naive American heroine receives a generous inheritance from distant relatives. Newly rich and independent (and with a number of ardent suitors) Isabel Archer is inexplicably seduced by the intensely narcissistic Gilbert. Unbeknownst to the trusting Isabel, Gilbert has targeted her (and her fortune) through his “friend” Mme Merle whose mastery of Schubert draws Isabel into the narcissistic web to ensure the protection of her (& Gilbert’s) daughter Pansy. According to the back of the novel, Isabel represents Amer ..read more

Well, this is a biggie. When I was studying social work, many moons ago, I helped one of the presenters in a group session talking about self-esteem. The presenter handily mapped out a continuum of self-esteem levels where narcissists were sitting pretty at the high end of the spectrum. But is that actually true? Research on narcissism is a somewhat fraught area, mainly because narcissists don’t always present their vulnerable side, and - shock horror - don’t always tell the truth, including when undertaking psychological tests (well, that probably doesn’t differentiate them from the rest of t ..read more