Uk votes yes for anti-vaxers to seabed plan
Grey Badger
by
2y ago
A shocking new YouGov poll has revealed that 97% of the adult population think anyone with anti-vaccine beliefs should be chained to large ventilator shaped rocks and thrown into the Bristol Channel. A flustered Mandolin Buoy, 33 from Bath, gurgled to the Badger, “It’s poison, all poison! Don’t people realise they are being injected with Satan’s seeeeeeed (inaudible).” William Rees-Mogg, MP, was delighted by the news, telling reporters, “Wonderful stuff. I haven’t felt this firm since the repeal of the Corn Laws ..read more
Visit website
COVID Chin Music
Grey Badger
by
2y ago
A government report has today concluded that COVID 19 is very unlikely to be contracted via the chin. The £2 billion research project led by Mel Lons, close associate of Matt Hancock and former porn star, has raised serious concerns regarding the public’s current mask-wearing strategy. An apoplectic Charles Horseman, virologist and Armageddon hobbyist, told us, “What the hell is wrong with people? Do you see a cricketer stroll out to bat with his box causally strapped to his knee? Do you see a sumo wrestler waddle into conflict, sporting his jockstrap as a hat?  Do you see Zorro sword-fi ..read more
Visit website
Give us a wave
Grey Badger
by
2y ago
 An Australian surfer is recovering in hospital this evening after a brutal COVID-related attack on Newquay beach. Speaking from his ICU Bed, Bobby ‘Smooth Move’ Wombat, 35, told the Badger, “It was  horrible.  I was just making small talk with this local pom queuing for a beer.  He asked me what I wanted and I replied I was hoping for a really big wave this week.  Before I knew it, he had taken of one of his shoes and was beating the living dingo out of me!” A tearful Geoff Hitler, 64, later told police, “I can’t take this COVID shit anymore.  I used to be the ..read more
Visit website
Joints For Jabs
Grey Badger
by
2y ago
  The world was still aghast this week after Washington State announced it was offering free marijuana cigarettes for people to get a COVID 19 vaccination. However, the ‘Joints for Jabs’ campaign has not been without supporters, beyond Americans needing yet another ‘get off my tits’ incentive to protect their lives and the lives of others. Melanie Scratch-Packet, chairman of the UK charity ‘Hackysack for Herpes’ was delighted by the idea. She told the Badger, “I think it’s brilliant. We turned the dial on sexual health by offering people the chance to master an obscure 80’s Sport. And bec ..read more
Visit website
Ingenuity helicopter discovers life on Mars
Grey Badger
by
2y ago
NASA was left broken this morning after the Ingenuity helicopter discovered a Greggs sausage roll wrapper on the surface of Mars.  Hank Mercury, lead researcher, told the Badger, "All those years of dreaming of what life, what wonders, what history we might find, ruined! And God only knows what we’ll find next. A pink onesie? A dodgy giro check? A kilogram of gold jewellery worth £4.50?" Bella Ringer, an anthropologist from The Margate Science Group, later told reporters, "It is possible Martians were just a bunch of work-dodging, astral-couch potatoes, pushed into extinction through sl ..read more
Visit website
Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine linked to outbreak of extreme sports
Grey Badger
by
2y ago
Concerns over possible side-effects of the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine increased yesterday after reports of an apparent outbreak of extreme sports in Milton Keynes. Hilda Legume, a local washer woman, told the Badger, ‘My husband got his jab last week. He’s a fat f*cker who lists eating cake and being stationary as hobbies, so I was relieved at first. But now he’s taken up parkour and is jumping around the town’s rooftops like some flabby-assed Spider-Man. The roof of the local shopping centre has already collapsed.’ Karen Ballbreaker, a civil servant from Northfields, is recovering in hospita ..read more
Visit website
UK Government Announces Christmas Hazmat Suits
Grey Badger
by
2y ago
Westminster - The UK government today announced the release of a range of Christmas Hazmat suits as part of its ongoing struggle to cope with the ever-worsening Coronavirus pandemic. Branded the BozMatt™, health secretary Matt Hancock said that unlike the vaccine, the suits, which come in a range of festive colours, could be ordered online, had no deep-cold storage issues, were easy to administer, and required no additional distribution network. “You will now be able to freely hug your loved ones this Christmas,” he told our reporters. “It’s quite inspired, if I say so myself, and bef ..read more
Visit website
Klu Klux Granary
Grey Badger
by
2y ago
The British National Party were left devastated yesterday after a hotly anticipated new advertising campaign fell flat due to awful spelling and surreal baking connotations. ‘White Loaves Mutter’ was greeted with hilarity and derision from the press and anger from within the bread making community. Aunty Semite, the current BNP leader, told the Badger, “This is just awful. No one in our party has an IQ above 27. We really should have outsourced to an agency. Adulf Hootler must be turning in his groove.” Furious Redhill baker, Cob Yeasterly, later told the press, “Lovingly crafting bread has n ..read more
Visit website
Movie sex scenes get Covid-friendly brush-off
Grey Badger
by
2y ago
The world of cinema was celebrating yesterday after inventor, Dover Ringworm, solved the problem of how to shoot socially distanced erotic scenes in film. The ingenious Arousal Broom™ is 2 metres long and allows actors to perform varying sexual acts through advanced tickling and brushing techniques. It utilises multiple head attachments from silk to coarse horse hair to match context and mood. Ringworm told the Badger, “ I got the idea when I was sweeping up the yard. I saw this fit bird walk past and thought, cor I fancy a bit of slap and tickle but done in a safe Covid 19 manner. Next th ..read more
Visit website
Women Arrested For Dumping Toddler
Grey Badger
by
2y ago
Hawkhurst, Kent - A young mother of two was arrested today by Kent police after she attempted to dump her toddler on the side of the A229. "It was horrifying," said Mrs Verity Pot who witnessed the scene as it unfolded.  "We were all stuck in a bit of traffic caused by an overturned lorry on the A21, and I was starting to fret about missing my ladies coffee morning, when suddenly this woman jumps out of the car in front of me with her toddler.  At first I smiled, thinking the poor child needed a pee, but then she just dumped the child by the side of the road, got back into her car ..read more
Visit website

Follow Grey Badger on FeedSpot

Continue with Google
Continue with Apple
OR