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Have you been the victim of internet fraud? "His silly little fat face lit up with joy. It was heartbreaking"   Don’t worry. You’re not alone. I’ve been targeted many times. Many years ago, Chris Taibu, the nephew of a millionaire farmer who had been murdered in Zimbabwe, asked me to help him discreetly move his millions out of the country. Of course, I was eager to assist, but sadly it was not to be. I explained that I was banned from Spain (our planned meeting place) on account of an unfortunate incident involving a donkey in a hotel lift. He seemed puzzled by my description of sheep d ..read more

Spring Saturday Series - April 21st 2018 It’s been a topsy turvy couple of weeks. Just to clear the air and help get some perspective on why I’m sailing badly here are the highlights…     Someone claiming to be a Japanese guy emails me to say he’s downloaded some malicious code onto my PC which filmed me masturbating to porn. He threatened to send the movie to all my contacts, so, without knowing whether this was a hoax or not I decided the best course of action was to apologise to all my contacts for masturbating while watching porn, even if I wasn’t.     My employers decided to fire lots ..read more

This weekend I took part in my 3rd RS300 Inland Championships.  "You're going to need a bigger podium" So near yet so far... The 2014 Inlands at Grafham, my first RS300 event, turned out to be a humbling experience as I followed the fleet, discovering that fitness, ability, agility and speed were required to race RS300’s and that I possessed none of these attributes. It was also the first time I got to meet my sailing hero, the legendary and talented Steve Bolland. He arrived with the remains of an undercover and a lighting board dragging behind his boat which was, itself, vinyl wrapped in G ..read more

This week it's the 2018 Finn European Championships in Cadiz, Spain  My Nephew, Jack, is competing as part of the GBR Under 23 team. He's a very good sailor but for some reason he Finn Class has rounded up all the youngsters and taken photos of them doing stuff like this. So please don't write "Do not resuscitate" on my buoyancy aid... So good luck to all the ginger kids, under 23's and other minorities in Spain this week. I hope my brother doesn't get you all expelled before Brexit ..read more

I'm sorry this is a long rambling blog but I must get this off my chest. Sailors have become obsessed by the subject of single use plastics so how come we’re obliged to apply vinyl stickers from event sponsors all over our boats? If sailors love the environment so much – and of course we should – then we need to cut the hypocrisy, address the fact that we build boats out of the least environmentally friendly materials, travel hundreds or thousands of miles to participate at iconic venues, employ flotillas of RIBS so coaches, parents, photographers and assorted well-wishers and rescuers ca ..read more

Dear Steve Rooster, Without wishing to be a snitch, you ought to be aware that Ambassador Ken was nowhere to be seen for this morning’s race. He might be excused if he was busy talking down a traumatised fighter pilot who happens to be at the controls of a Boeing 747 because the flight crew are stricken down with food poisoning “Shirley you can’t be serious?”, but his Garmin app has given the game away. Ambassador Ken was running, meaning he’s clearly on a mission to secure the lucrative Salomon sponsorship deal. I think your man is losing focus. You need another local hero. Meanwhile, I ..read more

Saturday February 3rd Steve Rooster has been recruiting “Brand Ambassadors”.  I hear my old sailing nemesis, Ben Green, has signed up. I checked out the Rooster blogs to see whether I have the skills to apply. I think I’ve got the basic idea…it goes something like this. An 11am start today, so time to enjoy some pre-race toast, made with Warburton’s bread and some Anchor spreadable butter from the wonderful Sainsbury’s people down the road.  We make our way down to the club in my lovely Solar Yellow Jeep Renegade, which incidentally I owe £10,376 to Westover Jeep for, but hopefully they’ll kn ..read more

It’s a chilly, windy Saturday in January. The breeze is 20-25 knots and forecast to increase over the next couple of hours.   Here’s some advice.  Avoid so-called “runners” between the months of January and March because this is the start of “Marathon season”. We’ve been doing a spot of jogging and are acting like puffed up little pigeons, full of testosterone and other artificial hormones. In conversation we will mention that we’re in training for some event with all the subtlety of a Rooster Blogger incorporating a spot of product placement (fucking awesome Rooster carbon tiller extensi ..read more