MENLO PARK, CA – In the midst of a slew of crises, Facebook has officially changed its name in an attempt to rebrand itself due to the increased scrutiny of its public image. At the conference Facebook revealed its new name to be “Company with No Relation to Mark Zuckerberg”, which many see as a way of distancing itself from its embattled CEO Mark Zuckerberg who still runs and owns a voting majority in the company. Some called the new name cumbersome and a transparent public relations move, but Chief Marketing Officer Alex Schultz said it had nothing to do with the CEO’s reputation and the nam ..read more

HOUSTON, TEXAS — After the recent Supreme Court decision to overturn Roe v Wade, and the continued passage of laws meant to subjugate women in Texas, Oklahoma, Florida and, Kentucky, many female residents are simply moving to neighboring states that still allow them to maintain autonomy over their bodies. At first celebrating the exodus, many male residents are beginning to reckon with the consequences of a heavily male shewed population. “We just wanted to take away women’s rights,” commented one local supporter of the abortion ban,”But we weren’t expecting it to get so goddamn SUPER GAY here ..read more

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A shocking new 2,000-page climate report commissioned by the White House was released this week detailing the effects of climate change on the US economy. Unfortunately, the report appeared to be unfinished with the last few pages incinerated by volcanic ash before scientists could complete it. Since these missing pages contained the entire conclusion of the the research, many are questioning if any useful information can be inferred from the incomplete report. The final legible sentence read: “The destruction of Earth could occur at any min–” with the remaining words singed ..read more

WASHINGTON, DC — Supreme Court hand puppet Clarence Thomas has been hospitalized to remove his wife Ginni Thomas’ elbow deep forearm from his anus. Though the Thomas family and doctors have declined to explain how her hand got up there, observers have long speculated that Ginny used this opening to control and prop up the spineless Supreme Court Justice. This news comes on the heels of reports that Ginni Thomas repeatedly implored Donald Trump’s chief of staff to help overturn the 2020 election results, according to text messages obtained by the Washington Post and CBS News. Mrs. Thomas is a q ..read more

QUEENS, NEW YORK — After the shuttering of McDonald’s restaurants in Russia due to the country’s invasion of Ukraine, president Vladimir Putin has made a desperate plea to other fast food chains to fill Russia’s empty food courts and bus stations. While this plea fell on mostly deaf ears, Queens-based McDowell’s burgers has answered the call. “McDowell’s is always looking for opportunities to expand into McDonald’s-free zones and I think this is just that opportunity,” said founder Cleo McDowell, “Business isn’t coming to America so I guess we’re going to Russia.” With Big Mac’s now being sold ..read more

HOUSTON, TEXAS — After the recent leak of the Supreme Court draft decision to overturn Roe v Wade, and the continued passage of laws meant to subjugate women in Texas, Oklahoma, Florida and, Kentucky, many female residents are simply moving to neighboring states that still allow them to maintain autonomy over their bodies. At first celebrating the exodus, many male residents are beginning to reckon with the consequences of a heavily male shewed population. “We just wanted to take away women’s rights,” commented one local supporter of the abortion ban,”But we weren’t expecting it to get so godd ..read more

WASHINGTON, DC — Supreme Court hand puppet Clarence Thomas has been hospitalized to remove his wife Ginni Thomas’ elbow deep forearm from his anus. Though the Thomas family and doctors have declined to explain how her hand got up there, observers has long been speculated that Ginny used this opening to control and prop up the spineless Supreme Court Justice. This news comes on the heels of reports that Ginni Thomas repeatedly implored Donald Trump’s chief of staff to help overturn the 2020 election results, according to text messages obtained by the Washington Post and CBS News. Mrs. Thomas is ..read more

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google’s army of working robots was unfazed by the 20,000 person walkout staged by employees protesting the company’s handling of sexual harassment cases. This marked the first walkout at the Silicon Valley tech giant and surprisingly caused little to no disruption to their worldwide services. “Our robots are designed to be run autonomously and ignore constant harassment by Google employees,” said operations officer Ned Kleinman, “We essentially keep the humans on staff so we can make use of our amazing recreational and dining facilities.” Google is famous for it’s lei ..read more

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Two weeks into his unprovoked invasion of Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin’s forces remain plagued by logistical problems as they slog towards the Ukrainian capital of Kyiv. Initially hoping for a swift victory with minimal resistance, Putin is reportedly furious with the slow progress and fierce defense stymying his forces. “Who knew genocide was such a logistical nightmare,” he admitted to his small circle of remaining advisors he has not yet executed, “Stalin made it look so easy! He would snap his fingers and a million traitors purged like that. Why didn’t anyone ..read more

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — At a contentious press conference this morning, Russian dictator Vladimir Putin reminded reporters that the sole purpose of his invasion of the Ukraine was to ‘liberate them from their freedom’. He repeated his claims that Ukrainians were Russians and that the population was grateful that he had sent in the Russia military. “The West is an empire of lies. Everyone is against me, but I am the great liberator!” He yelled from the far end of a 50 foot long table. “I have liberated nearly all Russians from their wealth. I have liberated countless reporters and politicians of their ..read more