Do you hate punishing (with Time Outs, withdrawing privileges, or even yelling at) your child?   Do you feel guilty after you punish them, wishing there was a way to just get them to listen?   And do bribes ("If you brush your teeth now, you can have 5 minutes of screen time...") feel just as awful?   But what other choice do you have? Your kids don't listen now, so how could not rewarding and punishing them possibly help?   That's what parent Dr. Houri Parsi thought when I first met her. (Houri's doctorate is in clinical psychology, focused on behaviorist-based reward and ..read more

Here's a little thought exercise: think back to what you were doing this time last year, right around Mother's Day (in the U.S...I know it has already passed in other places!).   What kinds of things were your children doing that were really endearing?   What kinds of things were they doing that drove you up the wall?   What kinds of fights (resistance, back-talk, stalling, tantrums, etc.) were you having with them a year ago?   Are you still having those same fights now (or variations on them)?   Do you wish you weren't still having those fights? That y ..read more

Are there parts of yourself that you don't share with other people?   Things that you think: "If people knew that about me, they wouldn't love me / they'd think I'm a terrible person / they wouldn't even want to be around me"?   When you mess up, does it seem like it's not that you did a silly/bad thing, but that you are a stupid/bad person?   If your answer to any of these questions is "yes," then you're experiencing shame.   Almost all of the parents I work with are ashamed of some aspect of themselves...but not Dee.   That's not to say that Dee never struggles ..read more

Do you have a core group of parent friends who are always there for you? Friends who might not be 100% aligned with your parenting philosophy, but they're close enough that you know that when they do offer suggestions you would at least consider doing them?   And on the days when you just want to just vent and not hear any advice at all, you know that it'll be totally fine for you to vent. They won't take offense and they'll just empathize and reassure you that you aren't a terrible parent; you're a great parent having a difficult day - because they've seen you on your good days as well ..read more

Do you ever fight with your partner?   Do you ever fight with your partner about parenting?   (Pretty much all of the couples I work with do both of those things.)   And these arguments tend to follow a pretty well-defined formula:   Child misbehaves. Parent A gets overwhelmed, criticizes the child and snaps at Partner B for not doing more to help. Parent B and says that clearly Parent A's 'better parenting approach' isn't working, since the kids are still misbehaving - this is contempt. Parent A knows they don't want to parent the way they were raised, and also knows they ..read more

Do you ever wish that you know the appropriate logical consequence to give your child (aged 1-10) for each different kind of misbehavior you see?   When your toddler empties the water out of the dog's bowl for the 10th time today... When your preschooler climbs on the table three minutes after you told them to get off it... When your kindergartener refuses to come to the table for dinner (and you know they're going to announce they're hungry in an hour)... When your elementary schooler won't get dressed in the morning (even though you know they are FULLY CAPABLE of doing it themselves) w ..read more

Sometimes when listeners write to me, fun things happen! ?   Listener Diana replied to a recent email because she had listened to quite a lot of my episodes (although more of the earlier ones than the recent ones) and she was generally on board with my approach.   But she was having a hard time! Despite doing a lot of things for her children, and trying to remain calm and 'unruffled' and show that she loves them unconditionally, but as pretty often when she asked them to do something they sometimes scream at her for offering to help, they attempt to boss her around, and they're ..read more

It can be really hard to see what's happening in our struggles with our children. They refuse to go to bed at bedtime; we're at home alone all day with a baby who doesn't like being put down, and our older child who is now being aggressive, and there's no time for us to even take a shower, and maybe it seems like everyone around us is judging our parenting choices.   In this very different episode you're going to hear from parents who are in exactly these kinds of situations, and who joined me for a group coaching call to talk through them. We worked through a role play with one parent ..read more

I have to admit, I’m a bit scared to say it… The P-word… “Patriarchy.”(Phew!  I did it!)I know some listeners find it hard to hear. I’ve spoken with more than one woman who has told me: “I sent your podcast to my husband but then he heard the word “Patriarchy” and it was all over. There’s some sadness there for me, for sure. Every time I talk about patriarchy I talk about how much it hurts me and those of us who identify as women – but I also talk about how much it hurts men as well.  And that’s not just lip service: I truly believe that patriarchy has robbed men of a full emotional ..read more

  Sara has always tried really hard to not just be a good parent, but a really good parent. The best parent. (When I coached her and her partner recently to create some content for the Parenting Membership that you'll hear more about in a few weeks, her partner said to her: You hold everyone else to a high standard. You hold yourself to a higher standard.)   Sara put a lot of pressure on herself, and this was even harder because she she didn't have the most amazing parental role models. They often fought in front of Sara and her sibling (with insults and name calling a regular ..read more