Even if we know the supposed reason--"Your first mother was a college student and wanted to finish her degree"--our brains can't compute. If we're told it was in the best interest of the first mother or father, doesn't that qualify us as a burden ..read more

When I saw this photo a few years ago, it drew me in. The combination of elements in the photo are open for interpretation. Perhaps the pearls are her fav necklace? And, she might be quite the style queen with the black hat? The dark red lipstick with gloss might indicate that she’s celebrating her womanhood? What do you think? Does something about her make you wonder what may seem like a weird combo? After all, black is usually typical of funeral dress, right? And the pearls? They may be the “pop-together” pearls that were popular back in the day. As you envision the rest of her in imaginary ..read more

When I read Derek Clark’s bio prior to interviewing him for our 20 Things Adoption Podcast, tears welled. I met Derek briefly years ago, when both of us were speaking at an adoption conference. With guitar strapped over his shoulder, he ran to catch a flight, promising we’d talk soon. The admirers flocked around him were disappointed that they couldn’t get a selfie. I knew Derek was someone whose story I needed to know. It wasn’t until I interviewed him for our upcoming podcast one week ago that I knew it in the depths. And, as I learned the details, I felt a bond with him in many of his circu ..read more

Adopted children have special needs that adoptive, first, and foster parents must learn  in order to become their child’s #1 cheerleader. Use this list as needed and as age-appropriate for discussing special needs with your child. You might say, “An adopted person wrote a list of her special needs. Would you be interested in seeing it? I’m curious if you identify with any of the needs that are mentioned.” Remember, with young children, keep it simple-rephrase into kid speak, and stick with the words: SAD, MAD, GLAD ANGRY. Scripture verses are included for those who want them. EMOTIONAL NE ..read more

  Today, we’re going to talk about the dance of adoption. Yes, there is such a dance. And we’re going to talk about it for the next few minutes. And hopefully, you will come away with new ideas of how to dance effectively, with your adopted child. Well, think about the floor like this, it’s made up of all the dynamics of your adoption. Maybe, it was a closed adoption. Maybe, it was an open adoption, kinship adoption, international adoption. Those are all possibilities for what the floor is made out of. And I remember as a little girl, one of my friends, just up the street for me, had a be ..read more

Dear all kinds of parents, fellow adoptees and foster kids… Every year, I watch the Christmas movie called ELF, mostly because my beliefs about Christmas, myself, and others in my story–adoptive mother and dad, ring familiar. We can use the movie as a springboard for discussing the challenges of Christmas that many adopted and foster children experience. By watching his struggles and happiness, you may readily identify. I will reveal main themes and then ask you to fill in“The Elf Questionnaire,” which contains ten attributes we may identify with as adopted people, and then watch the movi ..read more

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Adoption fantasies aren’t bad. They’re simply dreams adopted children, teens, and adults build within their hearts to ease the painful losses of adoption. Adoptees need not belittle themselves for having them, for without them the pain may have been too great, the burden of grief too heavy. In many ways, fantasies are a gift from God to help us survive until we are strong enough to work through the issues.  Your adopted teen may seek out the missing birth mother through “mother surrogates.” Instead of confiding in her own mom, she will reject her mom as a confidante, and will choose other ..read more

Self-worth and suicide are delicate and seemingly untouchable topics in the adopted child’s world. And yet, in an unwelcome way, the two are related. Just like the band’s drum major twirls a silver stick with two rubber ends, adoptive mamas must do much the same–always marching, moving forward, and directing. The two ends of her baton are adoptee self-worth and suicide, which in my adoptee mind, are untouchables. Mamas are ultra aware of this tension..in fact, hyper-vigilant. They hear about rising adoptee suicides and can’t imagine such pain coming upon their teen, or their family. Secretly ..read more

It takes something special to develop a Marine-like heart in the world of adoption. A person with a Marine-like heart has completed the hard work of getting free from his painful past or condemning self. Because he has nearly experienced death in this process, he has compassion for those that are hurting. The US Marines profess this mindset: “to be prepared for anything by training for everything.” It’s Innate Did you know that this Marine-like heart is innate? It’s a deep-seated, inborn characteristic that illustrates how you were crafted in the womb. You were crafted with a big heart that lo ..read more