I’ve had an overwhelming urge to sit down and write out my thoughts – my feelings – this past two weeks that I’ve been at home. But like so many others right now – here in this anxiety-drenched, other worldly moment in time, my heart hovers in my throat and the disbelief has kept my words at bay. Is this really happening? Of course I know that it is. This is only the beginning. But the utter horror of it all – a new era where words such as death toll, pandemic and lockdown roll off our tongues on the daily – a transition in time where the PM addresses us in some form every 24 hours and 95 per ..read more

Ahh how I’ve missed this. Sitting down at my laptop at 11pm at night, knackered from the day – coffee in hand, ready to bash out a blog post. I sound like I’m being sarcastic, but it’s the truth. I’ll let you in on a little secret, that’s not actually really a secret. More of an insight. This is the first time I’ve opened my laptop since I hit publish on a post here at the end of September. So long had it been that I couldn’t find the wire and plug to power it up for a good ten minutes after I decided today was the day I get back to it. Blogging, that is. Twenty Nineteen ate me up. And I retur ..read more

Over the last few months, I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of wanting to somehow capture the phase of my family’s life – that moment in time – that is now in the past. The deliciously bittersweet summer of twenty nineteen that cradled those last few weeks before Oscar started school. Those months together – he, Eva and I trundling along – days totally devoted to one another, Saturdays and Sundays with James too, the cherry on the top of each week. The best days of my life right there, and like all things good – I wanted to bottle up the feeling that this time brought, only too aware that wit ..read more

From the moment they are born you know that it’s the future. It just feels like an awfully long way off doesn’t it? Something to concern yourself with another day. We’ll cross that bridge… yada yada. Yada yada. And you’d be right. Hell, there’s enough to occupy your mind and fill your weeks, months and years without worrying about this before you need to. You’ll have first smiles, first teeth, first steps, first words, first tantrums, first time sleeping through, first shoes, first, second, third and fourth Christmasses. First everything. At least that’s how it feels. Yes, there’ll be many a m ..read more

Eva arrived just over eight months ago and it is only in the last three weeks I’ve felt the fog – that blanket of dense surrender that comes hand-in-hand with having a baby, start to lift. After weeks of not feeling myself. Months of feeling professionally stuck, and completely at the mercy of motherhood in its all-consuming glory – it dawned on me the week before last – less than seven days after I sent one of my friendship WhatsApp groups a message confessing that I not only felt overwhelmed by my mope, but that I also didn’t know how to pull myself out of it – that suddenly, said mope was o ..read more

Today as Eva sat puree-faced in her highchair – a week shy of turning eight-months-old – smiling at James between mouthfuls of food, he turned to me, and said: “I don’t want anyone to ever break her heart.” It’s not the first time I’ve heard those words. He’s said the same thing on a number of occasions about Oscar over the last four years too, and I’ll be honest – I’ve blocked the very thought from percolating my mind further, as I can’t bear the idea of that happening in coming years either. What parent could? I don’t look ahead too much to the future. Not the specifics anyway. I mean of cou ..read more

I’ve been feeling a bit out of sorts. Not quite myself. For want of a better, less dramatic word – lost. Now, I know that feelings like this can be common, and in some ways are probably expected in the months after having a baby, and I don’t doubt that is part and parcel of my current mindset to a degree. But the thing that has thrown me is that I didn’t experience this with Oscar. I mean yes, I recall not feeling myself – but it was in more of a ‘shock to the system’ sort of way. The transition of going from just worrying about me and James, to being responsible for another human. It also too ..read more

There’s no doubt about it. You’re all and more than I ever dreamed of. I have a daughter! Still, even now – six months since you were first in my arms – I can hardly believe it. Eva Audrey June, you bring us so much joy. All dark doe eyes and rosy pudding cheeks, you are a literal dose of daily sunshine. You hate to be put down, and are happiest and most content when in our arms or heartbeat-to-heartbeat in your wrap. Speaking of which we need to master the next stage slings as you are all elbows these days, practically pulling yourself out of our two stretchy cotton ones, which have cradled y ..read more

I’ve had an overwhelming urge to sit down and write out my thoughts – my feelings – this past two weeks that I’ve been at home. But like so many others right now – here in this anxiety-drenched, other worldly moment in time, my heart hovers in my throat and the disbelief has kept my words at bay. Is this really happening? Of course I know that it is. This is only the beginning. But the utter horror of it all – a new era where words such as death toll, pandemic and lockdown roll off our tongues on the daily – a transition in time where the PM addresses us in some form every 24 hours and 95 per ..read more

Ahh how I’ve missed this. Sitting down at my laptop at 11pm at night, knackered from the day – coffee in hand, ready to bash out a blog post. I sound like I’m being sarcastic, but it’s the truth. I’ll let you in on a little secret, that’s not actually really a secret. More of an insight. This is the first time I’ve opened my laptop since I hit publish on a post here at the end of September. So long had it been that I couldn’t find the wire and plug to power it up for a good ten minutes after I decided today was the day I get back to it. Blogging, that is. Twenty Nineteen ate me up ..read more