A boy has been shunned by a club for not liking a lot of chocolate on his biscuit. Devastated Pete Bowen, 12, from Llansamlet desperately wanted to join up, but he failed to satisfy the only entry criteria. Club leader Theresa Connell said: “A lot of people think the ‘if you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join our club’ song is a catchy piece of marketing. “Really we’re hiding in plain sight, like Prince Andrew did. We cannot be any clearer on this: you absolutely must like chocolate on your biscuit to join our club.” Pete said: “I was told to join the Rich Tea’s but given you need an ..read more

A man who spent his 20s guzzling Mitsubishi ecstasy tablets is trying to show genuine disdain towards ravers in Banwen. 39 year old Planning Officer Pete Bowen read all about the gathering on a Swansea Online Facebook post and had difficulty balancing his feelings of disgust and envy in front of his family. Bowen said: “I saw the story and out of nowhere the little voice in my head that used to tell me double drop in Escape 15 years ago came out retirement to inform me that a rave in Banwen sounds like the best idea ever. “I read it at my in-laws so had to crush my noughties gurn demon and blu ..read more

A sunflower from Rhossili has tested positive for coronavirus. The sunflower, who is said to have flagrantly ignored social distancing rules, was tested after losing its ability to smell and taste the misery of people photographing their partners for Instagram. Head of Sunflowers Pete Bowen said: “We had been worried about this particular sunflower for some time and we’d been monitoring it closely. “We noticed that bees were avoiding it, appropriately, like the plague and while all the other little sunflowers bowed their heads at nighttime, this one stayed upright while bats feasted on it. “I ..read more

Sweat drenched men on bikes have swiftly reclaimed the promenade as their own as news of relaxations to lockdown were announced. The men, of all ages and often operating in sexually frustrated groups, have descended on the stretch of tarmac with glorious views to reassert their authority over families and people who want a quiet walk while wearing inoffensive clothes. Bike bellend Pete Bowen, 42, said: “I’d like to see coronavirus try to catch me when I’m in full flow. It’s not going to happen, especially after Sports Direct had a sale on cycling gear a few weeks ago. “Before I hit Ripples I u ..read more

A family who travelled to visit Caswell beach were horrified to discover that a family had travelled to visit Caswell beach during lockdown. Dunvant couple Pete Bowen and Theresa Connell headed to the beach with their two children yesterday, but couldn’t believe their eyes when they saw the Gray family from Tycoch parking up and using the beach as if coronavirus wasn’t a thing. Pete said: “We call Caswell our ‘second home’ as we’re there so much all year round. We have a dog and he loves to run around the beach in winter, knocking children over and defecating everywhere. It’s handy for us beca ..read more

A new lane is to be introduced on the Severn Bridge which will divert holidaymakers entering Wales straight back to their primary homes. The special lane, which will be aimed at very special types of people, opened overnight following Boris Johnson taking steps to hand responsibility over to the English public so that he can blame them when the infection starts spreading again. Welsh Government spokesperson Pete Bowen said: “We anticipated that the Prime Minister would be supplying some slack in the rope for England to hang themselves with, so got to work on the new lane early. “We’ve narrowed ..read more

Swansea’s own William Wallace type heroes spent yesterday queuing for a KFC to show Covid-19 who’s boss. The members of public, some rumoured to have jobs and families, poured towards Morfa Retail Park upon hearing the fast food restaurant would open its depressing little drive-thru windows for the first time in six weeks. Cwmbwrla resident Pete Bowen said: “We made a bit of a fun game out of blocking a road to a supermarket, hospital and a major pharmacy by saying we’re off for a Kentucky Fried Covid! “I came up with that one. I’ve also come up with similar one-liners before like “it’s just a ..read more

Trading Standards has reported a sharp rise in businesses across Swansea selling toilet paper which has passed its sell by date, we can exclusively reveal. The news comes following a splurge of visits to retailers who are reported to be exploiting consumers who are hoping that stockpiling toilet paper will stop the spread of the virus. Trading Standards Officer Pete Bowen said: “This is a worrying trend. We’re used to calls about out of date meat, fake designer clothing and low purity cocaine, but this is new. “We’re asking customers to be diligent when purchasing toilet paper and mak ..read more

Tiny handed England prop Joe Marler has announced that he’ll probably self isolate indefinitely so that he’ll never have to wash the hand that came into contact with the great Alun Wyn Jones’ cock and balls. Marler, who touched another mans genitalia without consent in front of families watching a rugby game on television, may even be able to use a useful ban period to kick the self isolation period off due to breaking World Rugby Law number 9. RFU spokesperson Pete Bowen said: “We’re a sport that has become accustomed to strange homoerotic behaviours and inappropriateness. “I suppose ..read more

Exhausted drug dealers across the city are requesting calm in order to gain some respite from the panic buying frenzy triggered by coronavirus. The dealers, working around the clock with no overtime or union protection, have been responding ‘as best as possible’ to requests from residents planning self-isolation periods. Phet dealer Pete Bowen said: “I’m one of many entrepreneurs across the city operating in a challenging, demand led pharmaceutical industry, who is frankly burning out. “It’s not unusual for me to receive customer requests for additional supplies, particularly from men ..read more